Luna Lovegood Takes Everyone By Surprise
Perhaps it was foolish in hindsight, but no one – save for Professor Trelawney but nobody paid her prophecies any attention what so ever as usual – could have foreseen that Morpheus had come zooming into the sixth year boys dormitory with a letter from the last Death Muncher Harry and his friends expected at a rather ungodly hour. The identity of the writer remained a mystery until morning because Ron and Seamus were threatening their friends with decapitation by pillow if they didn't all go back to bed. It also didn't help that the raven automaton was on Ron and Seamus' side, cawing loudly for the children to get back into bed because they had school the next day.
Funnily enough, Thursday morning most of the boys had forgotten what had happened and went about their normal morning routine as normal. That now also included reassuring Harry's automaton nanny bird that they had all their books and their homework completed. Yes, the automaton made them show her, and no, they were not happy about that. Melpomene – Neville had found a suitable name for the Cobra Lily that both the Lily and Harry liked – was singing again, and though none of the boys save Harry could understand her, Ron, Dean and Seamus found themselves bobbing their heads to her tunes.
"We need to find a way to translate Parseltongue," Seamus found himself commenting as he tied his shoelaces.
"Doubt there is one," Dean sighed. "Or someone would have found out a way to do it by now."
"Never say never," Harry put in without looking up from the letter he was addressing to Balthazar Mulciber.
"True. I never thought anyone would be suicidal enough to prank You-Know-Who, but I momentarily forgot Harry exists," Seamus smirked.
"A mistake we all made," Ron grinned. He then frowned. "Remind me again why you are writing to Mulciber?"
"Just curious," came the predictably blunt answer from the Boy-Who-Knew-Rodolphus-Was-Going-To-Really-Hate-His-Guts-Because-Morpheus-Was-Going-To-Be-Sent-On-Another-Errand.
"Right. Stupid question," Ron snorted.
"You going to open the letter now or are you doing that at breakfast?" Neville wanted to know.
"Breakfast. The girls, Colin, Dennis and Justin will want to know what it says as well and I really do not fancy dodging Hermione's shoes at this time of the morning," Harry answered.
"Or Ginny's," Ron shuddered. "Gin has a mean right hook when she wants! It's one of the reasons Fred and George barely let her play as a Beater when we were kids. She can be just as evil as those two put together!"
Seamus smirked a little at Dean. "Better be careful then, mate!"
Dean didn't answer; he was pretending to be occupied with his robes. Seamus, Ron and Neville frowned at this and exchanged a quick look between them. OK, something really weird was going on.
"Mate, did something happen?" Ron wanted to know.
"No, nothing," came the curt reply from their friend.
"Yeah, sure, and Harry is mentally sane," Seamus snorted. "Come on, out with it! You and Ginny barely act like a couple anymore. Are you still even together?"
"Yes," came the surprisingly grim answer that made even Harry pause and look up. Morpheus, who was snoozing on the windowsill next to Melpomene, actually opened one of his eyes lazily. The automaton was regarding Dean with its head cocked to one side and Melpomene had stopped singing.
Not good.
Harry pushed his concern to one side for a moment as he finished the letter, folded it up, put it in an envelope, sealed it and handed it to Morpheus, who quickly took the letter in his beak and then promptly flew into the closed window in his haste. While the other boys snorted with laughter, Melpomene opened the window latch with one of her vines. Morpheus was gone in a blink of an eye.
"Time for food!" Ron stated, rubbing his hands together.
The Cobra Lily perked up at hearing this.
*Can I come along to class again?* Melpomene asked Harry excitedly. *I would love to soak up some more magic! I promise I will be quiet this time.*
*You'd better! You're lucky Snape actually liked your singing or I would have been put into yet another detention,* Harry huffed.
Melpomene pouted and the Boy-Who-Had-A-Weakness-For-Puppy-Lily-Cobra-Eyes quickly caved.
*Would you like to join Neville today?* Harry asked kindly.
Melpomene's petal hood shook excitedly. *OK!*
"Hey, Nev, Melpomene wants to come to class with you," Harry stated.
Neville lit up and gently picked up the Cobra Lily and the boys left their dorms to head down to the Great Hall. When they got there, Ginny and Luna were quizzing each other on Potions definitions, Hermione was reading the Daily Prophet and the Creevey brothers were discussing movies with Justin.
"Harry got a letter during the night!" Seamus announced happily as he plonked himself down on his usual spot on the Gryffindor bench, soon followed by Dean.
"Announce that to the whole world, why don't you?" Ron grumbled.
Seamus smirked. "OK!" he then cast a Sonorous Charm. "HARRY GOT-"
"SHUT UP SEAMUS!"
Dean clamped his hand over his friend's mouth while everyone shot them concerned and funny looks. The teachers – especially the Heads of House – narrowed their eyes at them. Hermione regarded Harry with a look and a raised eyebrow. "Who sent you a death threat this time?"
"Well, we aren't sure if it is a death threat. We didn't open it because Ron and Seamus were set to commit murder," Harry replied candidly as he fished the letter from his pocket. "Don't even know who it is from. I don't recognise the hand."
"Well, then, let's find out!" Justin grinned.
The Boy-Who-Was-Curious-To-See-Which-Death-Muncher-Had-Removed-The-Stick-From-Their-Arse broke the seal, took out the letter and unfolded it.
To the ungrateful spawn of House Potter,
I know fully well that I have lost all good sense and sanity by writing you this letter – if I didn't know any better I would say that I am under some kind of Imperius Curse but I feel nothing but misery so that is not the case. Under normal circumstances I would not countenance giving you an iota of attention, however there is a matter that needs to be brought to your immediate and diabolical attention. No, it has nothing to do with Madam Umbridge.
Your friend Nymphadora Tonks has recently become tolerable to deal with. This is utterly unacceptable. Apparently she has set her sights on a man, but the mongrel has refused her for no good reason other than he thinks he is too old and that he does not deserve her. The man in question, if you are wondering, is your Order's little werewolf, Remus Lupin. I may be a follower of the Dark Lord, but even I cannot stand to see a woman in tears. Tonks was not in tears but she told me she was going to mope, cry and buy fifty kneazles.
Here is my request: make Lupin regret his miscalculation!
Hoping the owls take a dump on your head,
Corban Yaxley
The Boy-Who-Genuinely-Could-Not-Believe-What-He-Was-Reading gaped unabashedly.
"Harry, what is it?" Ginny asked with genuine concern.
"Yaxley's ill," came the blunt answer.
Colin lit up. "Terminally?" he wanted to know.
"No, not like that!" Harry huffed and handed it to Ron, who immediately started reading. The letter started making its round around the members of Team Prank. It was safe to say that when everyone had read the letter, there was not one of them who was not in a state of abject confusion.
"Did we just read that correctly?" Ginny asked to no one in particular as Hermione handed Harry the letter back.
"Yaxley … is requesting a prank … on behalf of Tonks," Ron stated slowly to himself as though he was still trying to process everything.
"This isn't happening," Neville too was having an existential crisis.
"Apparently it is," Dennis shook his head despondently.
"Oh bloody hell, I just realised something!" Dean exclaimed. "A Death Muncher is acting like a Gryffindor!"
There was a moment of stunned silence before Team Prank, sans Luna, chorused, "EWWWWWWWW!"
*Never saw it coming,* Melpomene sang whimsically. *Blind-sighted, misguided, no I never saw it cooo-ming!*
Once more, concerned looks were shot at the group of strange Lions, one Badger and serene Eagle. Dumbledore called out to them, "everything all right there, my boys and girls?"
"A DEATH EATER IS ACTING CHIVALROUS!" came the answer no one expected.
McGonagall looked ready to go back to bed while Snape had no idea how to react. Professors Sprout and Flitwick sighed, exchanged a look and then went back to their breakfast. They did not have energy for this nonsense just yet. None of the other teachers decided to push the matter as well. Hagrid looked amused but also didn't say anything.
Dumbledore beamed. "Well, that is something you don't hear every day!" he commented as he poured himself some more coffee.
Just as Team Prank had fully recovered from their shellshock, suddenly kids from all the Houses starting pointing up at the ceiling. "OWLS INCOMING!" came the shouts from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin.
Indeed, Hedwig and Jehoshaphat were back! They headed straight for the Gryffindor table. To everyone's surprise, Hedwig did not land in front of her wizard. She landed right in front of Luna, who blinked a couple of times before smiling brightly. Jehoshaphat landed in front of Harry with a parcel in brightly coloured paper and a letter, looking eerily smug.
Melpomene had at this point switched songs. *Mamma mia, here we go again! My, my, how can I resist you?*
Harry raised a challenging eyebrow at Macnair's familiar. "What has gotten you so chipper?" he demanded.
Jehoshaphat started chirping manically.
"Oh dear," Hermione shook her head at the owl.
"I think the General is about to get pranked again," Colin added.
Harry untied the parcel and the letter; Ginny then started patting the evil owl again, not even batting an eyelid when Jehoshaphat stole some of her bacon in an effort to try and annoy her.
"Phat is being greedy," Ron commented, earning himself a death glare from the owl.
Harry broke the seal, took out the letter from the envelope, unfolded it and began to read.
Dear Mr. Mupples' Papa,
This is Mr. Mupples' first attempt at a prank! Basti, Reed and Thalia recently went shopping for a proper prank and they came back with one from a museum. They also bought presents for everyone! You had better enjoy it because Mr. Mupples tried his best!
Bella
P.S. Izzy helped Mr. Mupples choose the paper
The Boy-Who-Was-Being-Pranked-By-A-Plushie-Monster smirked to himself as he set the letter aside – Ron immediately taking the note – and carefully began to unwrap the prank from Mr. Mupples.
"Oh bloody hell, Mr. Mupples has joined in on the fun!" Ron snorted.
"You have got to be kidding!" Justin shook his head in disbelief.
"The next thing we know Harry is getting pranked by Teddy Ruxpin," Dennis added.
"Let's not tempt the Fates shall we?" Hermione paled.
Harry ignored his friends as he unwrapped the last bit of paper. The Boy-Who-Had-Braced-Himself-To-Be-Covered-In-Some-Kind-of-Goo relaxed a lot when his eyes met the sight of a cute brown raptor plushie wearing a T-shirt. On it were the words Natural History Museum.
"Morgana's saggy black dresses, it's so cuuuuuuute!" Ginny gushed.
Neville could not help grinning. "A plushie bought you a plushie … that's a new one!"
"I still can't believe a Death Eater, a werewolf, a snake and an ugly plushie monster went to a bloody museum!" Justin shook his head. "It's like the beginning of a really bad joke."
"No, the joke is that they likely met Dippy," Dean grinned.
"Dippy?" Ginny, Ron and Neville chorused in confusion.
"Dippy the diplodocus," Hermione clarified. "He is the first dinosaur you meet when you go to the museum. I used to love visiting Dippy as a kid!"
"Same! Went at least twice a year," Dean grinned.
"We haven't visited Dippy in ages," Colin deflated, Dennis following closely behind.
"Ditto," Justin added.
Meanwhile, Luna had decided it was time to open the letter Hedwig had so kindly delivered to her. Though she did have a funny feeling what this was about, Luna was rather excited to see who had written her a letter. She unfolded the letter and began to read, Ginny reading over her shoulder.
To Miss Luna,
I have no idea how to address you – I refuse to call you 'Mr. Mupples' Aunt Luna' as Bella shouted at me – but I hope 'Miss Luna' suffices. I am not usually one for small talk so I will get straight to the point: we need your assistance regarding the next phase in our attempt to get rid of a certain Senior Undersecretary. Try as we might, we still have not managed to put the odious toad into St. Mungo's.
It was recently decided that we should go with the photos and new confession to someone who could be trusted with publishing it. Of course
The Daily Prophet was ruled out immediately. Issue is, we know of no other publication who would be willing, but apparently Mr. Mupples says you do. I realise that this puts you, and perhaps your friends, in the awkward position of helping us help you …
Those words still feel a little funny to write. Anyway, I apologise if I have put you on the spot.
Civil regards,
Augustus Rookwood
A letter from the quiet Unspeakable! Luna grinned as she finished the letter.
"What is it, Lovegood?" Seamus wondered out loud.
"I need to write to Daddy," Luna answered serenely, getting parchment, quill and ink out of her bag.
"What? Why?" Colin inquired with a frown.
"The Death Munchers need a publisher," Ginny answered bluntly.
"Excuse me?" Hermione snorted.
Luna handed her the letter without looking up from picking a proper quill. As usual, the letter made a round amongst all the members of Team Prank. Justin was shaking his head as Dennis handed the letter back to Luna.
"None of the Death Munchers are going to take The Quibbler seriously," he pointed out.
"They might do. The Quibbler has gained more subscriptions since last year and they accept articles written by anyone who has an interesting topic to write about," Ginny pointed out. "I think that their topic definitely qualifies!"
"And if some of them are difficult about it, I am sure Mr. Mupples will find a way to convince them," Harry added with an evil smirk.
Luna ignored them as she quilled a letter to her father that she would send later and then a quick reply to Mr. Rookwood. After finishing her letter to the Unspeakable she smiled serenely at Jehoshaphat.
The owl immediately read the intention on her face. "HOOOT!" he shrieked indignantly.
"Please?"
"HOOOOT!"
"Pretty please?"
"HOOOOOOOOT!"
"Pretty please with bacon on top?"
Jehoshaphat glowered at Luna as he stole a slice of bacon from her plate, glaring at her with all the malice he could muster. Luna ignored this, humming away to Melpomene's latest lovely tune as she tied the letter around the grumpy owl's leg.
Jehoshaphat soon set off for Malfoy Manor once more, cursing the existence of Harry I-Live-To-Make-Jehoshaphat-Work-For-His-Food Potter and his friends – except for Hedwig and Morpheus – once more.
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Balthazar Mulciber was as content as he could be at breakfast. He was enjoying one of Basti's latest smoothies – strawberry, blueberry and grape with a Colour Change Charm on the beverage – as well as a book on dinosaurs that Rabastan had bought him. Around him his friends were arguing amongst themselves: about if they had missed a clue in Cluedo, about the latest Muggle magic trick Lydia showed off, about Mr. Mupples' prank (Rodolphus and Bella) and of course, when everyone would be able to visit Dippy.
Except for Yaxley (who got more comments about needing anti-rash cream), the Carrows, Lucius, Jugson, Travers and Narcissa, everyone – even Fenrir and Voldemort – wanted to visit Dippy at the Natural History Museum. There was one issue: that accursed rainbow wig that was still stuck to the Dark Lord's scalp. When Jugson had shouted at the young werewolves that they would not visit the dinosaurs until their Lord was rid of the atrocity on his head, Izzy and Sebastian had genuinely marched up towards the most feared Dark Lord in recent history, intent on pulling the thing from his head.
Fortunately, Hannah and Mikah had sensed the danger in time and had grabbed both kids and carried them all the way back to their seats, protesting loudly.
"But Haaannaaaaaah, that thing needs to go anyway!" Izzy exclaimed.
"We are not pulling on the wig, young lady!" the alpha female stated crisply.
"No one has actually tried pulling it yet!" Sebastian countered.
"Are you trying to get yourselves killed?!" Fenrir snarled at them.
"We are already dying from boredom!" Izzy retorted easily.
"Boredom?! You have toys galore and countryside to explore!" Fenrir exploded, steam coming out of his ears.
"We did that already. We don't want to be kept inside all the time or go to the same boring fields with the same boring sheep," Sebastian pouted. "We want to see Dippy!"
Nagini started laughing at this point. *I would have loved to see the little hatchlings try though!*
*Yeah, it would have been really funny to see!* Thalia agreed through giggles. She then lit up. *Hey, Nagini, what game do you think the wig would have played with the little wolf hatchlings?*
Balthazar could see his friend physically brace himself out of the corner of his eye. Oh no – Thalia was making jokes again!
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*Tug of War-wolf!*
Down went the head of the Dark Lord into yet another conjured pillow. Balthazar once more shook his head in the direction of Nagini and Thalia.
"No indeed, Mr. Mupples, I don't think pulling the wig would help in this case," Bella stated sadly. "Hmmm … what is it, Mr. Mupples? … Open the window and leave it open? … Morpheus is coming?!"
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Rodolphus seethed. "Does it ever end?!"
Antonin started cackling. "Get ready to dodge, Dolph. Oh wait, that ball of feathers will probably chase you around the room."
"Shut the fuck up, you Bolshevik sheep!"
"… Bolshevik sheep? Is that the best you could come up with?" Antonin sassed.
Rodolphus turned scarlet with rage. Unfortunately, Thalia had heard his insult and started giggling.
*Hey, Nagini, I think I figured out why people fell asleep during Antonin's reading yesterday,* Thalia tittered. "They had listened to the Death Sheep!*
*People fall asleep counting sheep, not listening to them!* Voldemort wailed.
*Oh my baaaaaaaa-d,* Thalia sassed, imitating the sound of a sheep as best as she could muster.
Nagini hissed with laughter as Voldemort, weeping to himself, opened the window with a lazy wave of his hand and put his face back into his pillow.
Very soon, in zoomed the sleeping owl. To everyone's surprise, Rodolphus' delight and Antonin's dismay, Morpheus headed straight in the direction of Balthazar. When the Death Muncher in question noticed this too, he pre-emptively decided to duck just in case. It was a good thing too because the owl flew just past his head and managed to land just about in front of Balthazar's empty breakfast plate.
Rodolphus was not happy about this. "So it does have the capability of not crashing into someone!"
Macnair could not resist commenting. "Of course. He just doesn't like you."
"No one asked you, Walden!"
"To be fair, Balthazar did duck," Rabastan pointed out.
"Maybe we should all get helmets just in case?" Beynon put in.
"No, that owl just needs to flipping fly properly!" Rodolphus complained.
Morpheus paid the rest of the Death Munchers no mind. He carefully hopped a little closer to Balthazar. "… Hoot … hoot …" Morpheus informed drowsily, sticking out his right leg.
Balthazar blinked. He had no idea how or why, but he knew what the owl had said to him. The Death Eater found himself smiling softly as he took the letter. "Thank you kindly, Morpheus."
"Merlin's saggy Y-fronts, he is balancing in his sleep!" Lysander could still not believe what he was seeing.
"He's an owl with psychic powers; it really isn't that impressive," Travers sneered.
"Shut up, Derrick," Avior advised coldly. Travers complied with an eyeroll.
Balthazar ignored his friends as he broke the seal on the back of the letter, opened the envelope and unfolded the letter, aware that a lot of eyes were on him all of a sudden.
Good day Mr. Mulciber,
Hope that Morpheus didn't crash into you like he does with Rodolphus. In his case it's rather funny but you have kind of been one of the few Death Munchers who has been sitting on your hands lately so I don't see any reason to be glad when my new owl crashes into you.
If you are wondering, I am not writing because I want to give you a head's up that you're a target – for once – or even for any kind of update on Operation Drive The Toad Mad. No, I am writing because, and I know this is going to sound as bonkers as all hell, but I actually wanted to ask you some stuff about, well, you.
You see, Slughorn has invited Hermione, Neville and me into this Slug Club of his the other day and he told us some things – about my mother, Nev's mother, one Regulus Black and you and your son. Xander, right? Slughorn was positively gushing about the pair of you, even showed us a photo of the both of you. He mostly talked about Xander's passion for music and your academic achievements. Later Hermione said that Slughorn likes collecting people, and something about a Hippogriff Club. A club for passionate students for certain subjects, including Astronomy. You got the highest grades in the subject in fifty years. My first question: how in everything good and holy did you manage that? Second question: were you ever in this Hippogriff Club?
I suppose my third question is, how did you get involved in this Slug Club and how in the hell did you ever become friends with Tom I-Will-Sic-My-Basilisk-On-You-If-I-Don't-Like-Your-Sass Riddle?
I guess these are the ones on my mind right now. I mean, I am curious about Xander but I have a feeling I may be going a step too far there. I may be a little shit, but I do have my limits.
Civil regards and hoping to perhaps hear from you soon,
Harry Potter
P.S. I understand completely if you want to Incendio this letter
Balthazar had honestly no idea how to respond to what he had just read. He had not seen this coming at all. The Brat – Harry – was interested in him and … Xander. Because of Slughorn – a man Balthazar had not thought about for many years, but clearly his former Head of House still held some fond memories. Balthazar decided to read the letter again, just to make sure he was not going completely mad.
"Balthazar," his Lord spoke with a rather soft tone for his doing. "What isss it? What hasss the Brat sssent?"
Balthazar swallowed. "He … wants to get to know me, my Lord."
Oh yes, saying it out loud just made it even madder!
There was a moment of abject stunned silence.
"You what now?!" came the chorus from half of the people in the room.
Voldemort and Avior blinked and exchanged a momentary look of disbelief.
"You must be joking!" Rowle snorted. "Potter's not interested in us in any other way than pranking targets and as a means to getting rid of the pink demon toad!"
"Yes, indeed, Mr. Mupples, Thorfinn needs to keep his big mouth shut before someone shuts it for him!" Bella's eyes flashed with her magic.
*Thorfinn is jealous that only Mr. Mupples, Bella and now Balthazar have personal letters,* Nagini sneered.
*He should be careful before he sees the bad side of Mr. Mupples,* Thalia agreed. She suddenly lit up. *Hey Nagini, what do you use in order to contact the spirits of dead Scandinavians?*
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*A Nor-Ouija board!*
Voldemort was fortunately too jealous to cringe. For some reason, this statement from Rowle really irked Balthazar as well.
"Really, Thorfinn?" he raised a challenging eyebrow. "Would you like to hear for yourself what Potter has to say?"
The Death Eater cleared his throat and began to read his letter out loud. The beginning of the letter got more than a few chuckles, Rodolphus was sulking, the second part got a few disbelieving grumbles and smug I-told-you-sos. No one said anything during Potter's large rambling and questions. By the end of the letter, there was a rather pensive atmosphere over the Death Munchers.
"The pup sounds genuinely interested," Mikah found himself saying in the tense silence.
"And it sounds like it isn't in bad faith," Reed added.
"I don't think it is too surprising. He was told a little about the Mulcibers. Who better to ask questions to than Mr. Mulciber?" Izzy put in sagely.
"So," Amycus was the first to speak from the Death Munchers. "Are you going to answer the Brat or not?"
Balthazar regarded Amycus coolly. "I might do. But I doubt I need your permission to do so!"
"Amy doesn't know how to mind his own business," Antonin added with cold snark.
"I don't see why you should tell the boy anything," Alecto sneered. "Allow Slughorn to continue blabbing. It is what the man does best anyway."
"May I point out that he could have?" Augustus shot back coldly. "He didn't. He opted to write Balthazar a letter – getting information from a primary source is better than getting info from a secondary source, most of the time."
Jugson pulled a face of disgust. "Balthazar should just Incendio the letter and be done with it."
"No one asked you, Ralston," Macnair answered with a tone full of venom.
Nagini and Thalia were unimpressed by how Tom's men were acting.
*How is the hatchlings are more adult than the adults?* Nagini huffed.
*Because these adults were not hugged enough,* Thalia commented bluntly, causing Voldemort to splutter a little. She lit up. *Hey, Nagini, what do you call a group of Death Eaters who enjoy infighting?*
*Easy lunch?*
*Nope! Death Rowers!*
Voldemort was about to intervene before his followers started a full blown argument and his snakes turned even more punny than usual, when Phoebe spotted something. "Look, everyone! Jehoshaphat is back as well!" she exclaimed excitedly.
Balthazar sighed quietly in relief as the attention turned onto Walden's familiar, who headed straight for Augustus.
Bella started cackling. "Yes, Mr. Mupples, it was a very good idea to let Augustus write the letter and not Antonin!"
Antonin scowled. "My letter would have been just fine!" he protested. "No matter what Mr. Mupples thinks."
The malevolent owl landed in front of the Unspeakable and regarded him like he was the most disgusting bit of road kill Jehoshaphat ever beheld. Augustus prayed to any deity who would listen that his fingers would not be pecked to oblivion, considering the mood of the bird at present, as he reached out to take the letter from around the owl's leg. Jehoshaphat regarded him unblinkingly as he did so, which made Augustus feel more than a little uncomfortable, but he managed to untie the letter without losing any of his fingers.
Macnair smirked away; he always enjoyed watching his owl mess with people's heads. Augustus broke the odd seal on the back of the envelope, took out the letter and unfolded the parchment, everyone turning their attention onto him to hear what Mr. Mupples' 'Aunt Luna' had to say.
Dear Mr. Augustus Rookwood,
Miss Luna is fine; whilst I am flattered at being called Aunt Luna by Mr. Mupples, I understand it is awkward to write that. I am rather surprised it was you who decided to write and not Mr. Dolohov. It seems the Wackspurts have left you alone. Small talk is rather tedious, isn't it? I don't blame you for wanting to skip straight to the point, though I do advise you not to always do that because some of the best conversations originate from small talk. I got to know my friends because of small talk, you know. They asked about my anti-Nargle charm and my Daddy's magazine.
My Daddy is the publisher of
The Quibbler, you see. It is a little alternative for most people's tastes but Daddy always makes sure to bring in the best and most interesting of writers and puzzle makers. I don't know if you know her, but the author and researcher Asteria Snyde-Hallow has several Ancient Runes and sigil riddles published in Daddy's magazines. She does them for fun between articles and books! You should talk to Mr. Yaxley about her – he apparently knows someone who is close to Mrs. Snyde-Hallow. Anyway, I have written to Daddy about the matter – all we have to do now is wait and see.
If I may offer some advice, get one of the wolves to write the article or write it under a pen name. It might get Daddy to say yes – he is still not very happy that Mr. Macnair was a little rough with me a few months ago. I did try to tell him that we weren't entirely innocent either because we went to the Department of Mysteries intent on fighting you for Harry's godfather, but parents don't always like to listen to their children. Oh well …
Hope you have a good day and I hope your Lord enjoys going out and about again soon,
Luna
P.S. A quick update on the Cobra Lily, her name is Melpomene and she managed to charm Professor Snape out of giving Ron and Harry detention not too long ago by singing along to the record he had played in his classroom.
It was safe to say no one had any idea how to react to this letter. Except perhaps Thalia.
*Hey Nagini, what should the name of Melpomene's first show be?*
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*How To Tame A Severus!*
Voldemort counted to fifty in Parseltongue in his head. It was at this point that people started to get knocked out of their stupors.
"What is a Wackspurt?" Rabastan was the first to begin the inquisition.
"What is an anti-Nargle charm?" Balthazar found himself adding not too long after.
"Who the hell does Corban know who knows Asteria Snyde-Hallow?" Alecto wondered, turning to the man sitting on her left, who looked like he wanted to make a quick escape from the room.
"What I would like to know is how this kid apparently knows that Mikah loves to write!" Fenrir blanched.
"I can't believe that she is so blasé that Walden held her hostage!" Antonin snorted.
Macnair frowned for a moment. "Didn't Potter say that his friend Luna was a little bit strange?" he pointed out. "Swear that was in one of my letters …"
"Well, what I would like to know is where Augustus bought Melpomene and how in the name of everything magical did that plant manage to charm Severus out of dishing out detentions?!" Crabbe Senior was shocked into contributing.
"You are not serious about this are you?" Lucius sneered, looking up from his strong coffee. "Xenophilius Lovegood is not worth our time. His magazine is a joke as much as he is! That man lost what little wit he had left when his wife met that unfortunate accident!"
"Unfortunate accident?" Antonin repeated with a frown.
"Pandora Lovegood was a spell creator," Narcissa explained with a sigh. "Five years ago she died when one of her spells … backfired."
A good few Death Munchers and werewolves winced at that; even Voldemort pulled a bit of a face. A backfiring unique spell with unknown qualities – that was not ideal. They could easily create fatal situations.
"Well, given that purebloods with decent reputations pay attention to it, I think we should not be so ready to dismiss it entirely," Balthazar stated, regarding Lord Malfoy coolly.
"Plus Mikah has been itching to write something," one of the other werewolves added with a grin.
"Well, he has. He's been writing crappy poetry," Izzy informed bluntly.
"Izzy shush!" Mikah blanched.
"About everyone. Including me," the young werewolf continued primly. "I managed to read a few and I found one about me. Mine had a really mean passage about Lady Flopears, which I am still not happy about."
"Izzy, shush!" Mikah repeated, really paling this time as interested eyes turned on him.
*Ooooooo, busted!* the two snakes hissed with glee.
Fenrir turned to his wolf with a raised eyebrow. "Is there one about me, Iz?" the alpha questioned lightly.
"Yes, it's call 'The Great Howler'," Izzy informed candidly despite Mikah's signing to shut up. "My favourite part was the passage about you chewing on Harry's shoes."
"Was it now?" Fenrir continued to stare at Mikah unblinkingly. The latter had developed a very sudden interest in the table.
Voldemort was about to ask Izzy if there was one about him, when Thalia began tittering. *Hey Nagini, what do you call a werewolf who decides to take up poetry?*
*Not a clue, Thalia, tell me!*
*A Buk-oawwwwoooo-ski!*
WHY ME?! Voldemort wailed internally.
Unfortunately for him, Thalia had one more lined up. *Nagini, what was the name of the man who was the werewolf poet's greatest rival?*
*No idea, Thalia!*
*Silverstein!*
Voldemort once more put his head in a conjured pillow whilst everyone else tried to get Izzy to tell them whether or not Mikah had written a poem about them as well. It was at this point where no one was paying attention that Teddy Ruxpin appeared, right behind the sleeping Morpheus, fully intent on this time waking the owl up and giving him a good scare. Mr. Mupples tried to alert Bella and Rabastan to the danger, but they too were wanting to quiz Izzy on Mikah's poems.
Teddy Ruxpin, who apparently was not very good at learning his lesson, began poking Morpheus in the back of the head. It was only when the accursed teddy was on his seventh poke that anyone noticed the danger.
"Guys, Teddy Ruxpin is poking Morpheus again!" one the adolescent wolves warned loudly.
Eighth poke. It was at this point that Morpheus started twitching with irritation again. Ninth poke.
"Stop that you stupid bear! You know what happened the last time!" Avior scolded.
Teddy Ruxpin ignored him. Tenth poke; it was at this point that Morpheus slowly turned around. "… Hooooooooooot …"
The bear went in for another poke but before the teddy could make contact with the owl, those eyes were open and glowing blue again, a blue aura surrounding Morpheus and the owl opened his wings. "Hooooooooooot!"
A blast of psychic energy sent Teddy Ruxpin once more flying, only this time in the direction of Voldemort. Before anyone could react or slow the momentum of the bear down, Teddy Ruxpin collided with Voldemort's rainbow wig and soon both the cursed teddy bear and the wig were sent flying straight into a portrait of a Malfoy ancestress, who had stopped sewing in utter disbelief at what happened. Indeed, there was a moment of stunned silence, with everyone blinking at the bear lying pathetically on top of Voldemort's rainbow wig.
"Well at least the wig is off," Sebastian eventually commented as Morpheus went back to sleep.
And that was the moment that the Galleon dropped for everyone.
The wig came off.
The wig came off!
THE WIG CAME OFF!
Voldemort started happily feeling the top of his scalp again whilst Thalia and Nagini laughed at his enthusiasm.
"That means we can go and see Dippy soon!" Sophie cheered.
"Sssssshhh wolfie, you will wake Tom!" Bella snapped at Tom the Cabbage Patch Kid's latest babysitter.
"We will visit the dinosaurs during the weekend," Voldemort informed primly.
Yes, go and see some old fossils! You will fit right in!
HARRY!
###########################################################################
"I think Daph and Pansy have a point. This is ridiculous! We are stalking one of our best friends all over the school."
"No, what is ridiculous is that Drakey-poo is refusing to allow his mates to help with his little pet project."
"I doubt the Dark Lord made this a group assignment, Blaise."
"Yeah, well it's still no excuse to not talk to us, Theo. Besides, you think it is just as barmy or you would not have followed me."
Blaise, Millicent and Theo were on the trail of the elusive specimen known as Draconis Malfoynius once more. Blaise and Millicent had tracked their friend from the owlery to the music rooms and then the Art rooms, collecting supplies as he went. Theo had joined up rather quickly after telling them that Professor Snape had just finished talking to both Kingsley and Ferrars about something.
As the three Snakes carefully followed their friend towards the Room of Hidden Things once more, they spotted none other than Luna Lovegood round a corner, also on the trail of the Malfoy heir.
"That can't be a coincidence," Millicent commented quietly.
They watched Draco disappear behind the tapestry of the Room of Hidden Things. Luna Lovegood rounded her corner at the same time as the three Snakes rounded the corner of theirs.
"Oi, Lovegood!" Blaise called.
"Sssssh!" Theo hissed.
The dotty Ravenclaw turned and smiled at them serenely. "Zabini, Nott, Bulstrode," she greeted amicably. "I see you took a different path."
None of the trio knew how to answer that.
"Potter sent you on an errand?" Millicent inquired coolly.
"No," Lovegood smiled softly. "I wanted to see how well Draco was dealing with the Happy Spell."
"What are you talking about?" Blaise demanded, frowning.
Lovegood gestured with her head to follow her. Without even thinking, Blaise, Millicent and Theo complied. They followed one of Potter's weirder friends through the labyrinthine room until they came to a hidden hiding spot and carefully peered around trunks and boxes. Draco stood quite a good distance away in front of an old Vanishing Cabinet of all things.
"A Cabinet? That is Draco's great mission?" Blaise hissed, hardly believing his eyes.
"He needs to fix its connection with its friend," Lovegood whispered back, causing Millicent and Theo's eyes to widen too. "Problem was, the Cabinet was very sad."
"Of course it was," Millicent commented drawly.
"So, Dobby and Winky-"
"Who?" Theo inquired quietly.
"Harry's house elf friends," Lovegood clarified simply as though it should have been obvious. "Anyway, Dobby and Winky put a Happy Spell on the Cabinet and well – apparently it has been doing some funny things."
The four of them watched as Draco put in a violin into the Vanishing Cabinet whilst mumbling something that Blaise, Millicent and Theo could not hear. They did hear the whooshing sound – the violin was very likely gone. Then very quickly, there was another whooshing sound. The violin was back.
They watched Draco brace himself and then open the Cabinet. Immediately, the Room of Hidden Things was echoing with the sound of Mozart and Beethoven being played on the violin. Whilst Draco was cursing and silencing the violin, his friends were gaping.
"Oh boy," Theo commented.
"Yes," Lovegood agreed wryly. "This is not a fluke, though. Watch."
Draco, annoyed, put in the canvas, paints and paintbrushes. Once more, with one whoosh all the items were gone. Then, a good minute later, there was another whooshing sound and the items were back. Blaise, Millicent and Theo watched in anticipation as their friend opened the Cabinet. The pot was filled with water and used brushes – a few of the brushes were broken – and the paints were used. On the canvas was a portrait of another Vanishing Cabinet, only this one was surrounded by knick-knacks in a small room and looked extremely sad.
"Merlin's saggy left-"
"Blaise don't you dare finish that sentence!"
"-butt," Blaise smirked at Millie's exasperated face.
"And it keeps doing that? With everything?" Theo inquired meeting Lovegood straight in her weird blue eyes.
"Yes."
"And you said it was because of a Happy Spell done by elves?" Theo frowned.
"Indeed."
"Are Happy Spells even that powerful?" Blaise questioned. "The times the elves used that spell on my cousins, my sister and me they kept us content for a few hours, but only because our parents wanted us to be quiet when we were mopey."
"No clue," Theo admitted. "I don't think I have ever heard the elves using a Happy Spell on anything except kids who were being difficult."
"Maybe we should find the elves and ask?" Millicent suggested.
"Good idea," Blaise agreed. "Lovegood, do you know where those two elves are at this time of day?"
"Kitchen," Lovegood answered without missing a beat.
"OK. You coming along?" Theo wanted to know. "They might be more willing to talk with you there."
"Of course."
The four of them crept away just as Draco shouted at the monolith, "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!"
He had put his lunch into the Vanishing Cabinet, and the food had returned nicely laid out as though he were having a picnic in the park.
##########################################################################
"I fucking hate graphs," Piers grumbled, shaking his head at the question he was on. "You know what, next question. I cannot be arsed! … What the fuck is this Sudoku-looking, alchemical-like bullshit?!"
Dudley, who had been internally struggling with the sums as well, had been the middle of contemplating throwing his dreaded Maths homework on the ground when his phone rang with his cousin's mobile number on the screen. Dudley lit up.
Thank Christ his parents were not home!
Dudley picked up the phone quite quickly. "Cousin, you saved me from Maths! How can I help?" he asked brightly.
"Oooo, what kind of sums?" Dudley heard Hermione ask eagerly.
"Hermione, no!" several voices chorused.
"There is one about freaking pond lilies!" Piers complained.
"I thought you were studying numbers, not plants," came the voice of Ron out of the phone.
"Yeah, so did I!" Piers agreed dramatically.
Dudley decided to get the topic away from the painful Maths homework and onto something a little bit more fun. Like pranking Death Munchers who would very likely kill him and his best mate if they knew they were involved.
"OK, cousin, who is on the list today?" Dudley wanted to know, already moving to his computer in anticipation.
"Well, first up is a request," Harry informed brightly. "A friend of my dad's and a friend of ours. Remus Lupin."
Piers started chuckling. "Turning on your own mates now are we, Potter?"
"Yes, especially if they're being stupid and causing someone pain because of it," came the blunt answer.
"What's this guy done?" Dudley wanted to know.
"Made our friend Tonks want to buy fifty cats," was the answer Dudley should probably have seen coming, but didn't.
"You know what, I am not even going to ask. So, what are we thinking for this guy?" Dudley decided it was best to move on.
"Well, we debated for a bit before calling you – we want to do something with chocolate since the guy is utterly chocolate obsessed but we don't want to risk him actually taking a liking to it," Harry answered.
"Yeah, that doesn't sound like anything you can buy," Piers frowned. He then lit up. "What we can do is we can start soaking Brussels sprouts and other disgusting veggie shite into chocolate and try to pass them off as bon-bons."
"Oooooo that sounds perfect!" the Creevey brothers chorused.
"Sounds like a fun project to do tomorrow," Dudley found himself grinning. "OK, any other targets?"
"We were thinking a general prank would be quite fun," Ginny answered. "Something with posters, videos – the boys also thought perhaps to send leaflets from fertility clinics to Bellatrix."
"Wait, fertility clinics?" Piers repeated, eyes widening.
"The woman struggles to get kids," Dudley explained simply.
"Doesn't that go a bit too far?" Piers asked.
"Let's just say, she doesn't know it's an option," came the tentative reply from one of Harry's mates.
"Oh, fuck's sake. I will see what I can find. But as for the posters, how does Thomas Kinkade posters sound, but tailor made to your targets?" Piers continued, with a grin. "There is a comedian amongst them right? And this funny My Pet Monster? Could be hilarious, especially with some funny slogans!"
"Do it!" came the easy chorus from the other side.
Dudley immediately set to work.
"We can also buy Thalia a translator," came the whimsical input of the girl named Luna.
"Is there even such a thing?" Ron asked doubtfully.
"Yes."
Apparently no one knew how to react to that.
"Dud, buy some anti-rash cream for Yaxley," he heard his slightly mental cousin add. "And I don't think we have had Avior yet …"
"I know a good one for Avery Senior!" Dean piped up. "We should send him something he wished he had used against his son growing up. A kind of monster under the bed."
"Oh no!" Hermione exclaimed. "Dean … no!"
"What?" Ron was confused.
Dudley and Piers had caught on as well.
"MR. BLOBBY!"
Before he knew it, Dudley had ordered several videos of that nightmare inducing show and had put it under the name Avior Avery, which Piers had snickered at. As Dudley worked he said, "Cousin, I am going to say Saturday delivery if you don't mind. Gives us some time to also do the chocolate prank."
"Good idea! We don't want these idiots getting too spoilt," came the predictable answer. "Hey Dud?"
"Yes?"
"Do you still do small funny cartoons?"
Uh-oh.
"Why do you ask?" Dudley wanted to know, voice dipping in suspicion.
"Because I want to commission you for a small cartoon publication," Harry tried to sound innocent but was failing rather miserably.
"Oh boy," Piers commented, smirking.
"OK, for what exactly?" Dudley was not going to give in that easily.
"The story of Lord Ponymort."
Piers was dead in seconds, clutching his sides and nearly falling off Dudley's bed. It was in that moment Dudley very nearly regretted asking that question.
Emphasis on the word nearly.
###########################################################################
I think it is safe to say Mr. Lovegood will not know completely what has hit him – or perhaps he does … Well, Voldie has managed to get rid of his wig – finally – thanks to Morpheus. What will he and the rest of the Death Eaters think of Dippy? What will Harry and friends discover at the dinner with Slughorn? Will Remus regret being an idiot? Will Draco find the birthday dinner for his aunt a moment of peace or return even more stressed than he was? Stay tuned to find out!
Thank you once again to everyone who has commented and left good ideas for pranks! I promised we would get back to the pranking soon didn't I? I am an Umbreon of my word – at least I try to be! Hope you guys liked this moment of madness and I will see you in the next one.
Kingmaker'sUmbreon