Standing up slowly, Kazuma used his sleeve to wipe sweat from his brow, then gazed up at what they had created. It had taken two days of constant labor from both Aqua and himself, but now their mecha was finally finished. Kazuma had just done the outside detailing; Aqua had done the actual construction as she was the genius of mecha building. Chris had helped a little with the wiring supposedly, but mostly he had been training Kazuma on the simulator.
"You know, you could just use one of our basic mechs," Chris told Kazuma as he came into the hanger with a bag of popcorn. He was dressed in the same military fatigues and jacket he always wore; the bulky clothing didn't look terribly comfortable, but Chris was forever pulling out various snacks and other goodies from the cargo pockets.
"Hey, I'm an Ace Pilot! Which means I need an ace custom!" Kazuma said, pointing to the Mecha that Aqua was closing the final panel on. "And that? That's an Ace Custom!"
Chris popped another handful of popcorn in his mouth and chewed for a moment or two. "It looks like Mazinger Z."
"Hey! Just because it- Wait. Aren't you some sort of alien? How do you know what Mazinger Z is?!" Kazuma demanded.
Chris gave Kazuma a flat look. "You know you guys just broadcast all that stuff into space, right? I was one of the people in SigInt for E-Arth."
"It's pronounced Earth," Kazuma grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"Oh, I know. But it's funny to watch you squirm. Well, I'll be down in the bay with my mech. I have a TH-13 F variant. I have one more frame and some spare parts: we could make you something simple, like a basic ADV-1 or melee frame like a GLAD-4," Chris offered.
"Heck no! I'm using some boring standard unit. I'm using the best we've got, and Aqua's some sort of genius at building things, right?" Kazuma said, nodding to the mecha. "Heck, she built a fully functional mecha in just two days!"
"Yep! I'm super incredible!" Aqua agreed, sliding down the ladder. She landed and took a bow, then yawned. "But I'm sleepy…I need a nap."
"We all deserve a nap. And a drink! You have the booze, right?" Kazuma asked. At first he'd been dreading being stuck aboard this ship, but as it turned out, Aqua had it loaded with fine booze and tasty snacks. She'd had two whole cases of caviar, along with expensive wines and fancy desserts.
"Well, I'm going down to the simulator. If our 'ace pilot' wants to get in some training hours, he's welcome to join me," Chris offered.
I shook my head and gave him a smile. Why train when you could party with a beautiful lady like Aqua? Sure, she was a bit of an airhead, but if this mission was all caviar and wine with occasional violence, it was going to be way better than working as a part timer. Being an ace pilot was a piece of cake.
Twelve hours later, after too much booze and rich food that led to several hours kissing the toilet, a bedraggled Kazuma and Aqua were half passed out on the bridge as Chris brought them out of the wormhole.
"Entering real space in three, two, one," Chris counted down, and Kazuma watched as the black, formless tunnel of the wormhole vanished, suddenly replaced by the dim light of a distant sun, and the myriad twinkling lights of stars. Far off, about the size of the full moon, a large gas giant could be seen, with smaller spheres traversing through an orbiting ring system.
"Welcome to the Belzerg System!" Chris said, gesturing to the main screen. He pulled up a few info graphics and pointed as they scrolled past. "There are two distant gas giants with some moons that have nothing more than some gas mining and a few ice moons. Nearer in, there is another gas giant that has six moons, four of which are habitable, and then two terrestrial planets closer to the sun. The nearer one is habitable, but it's mostly ocean with a few volcanic islands and one small continent. The last planet is tidally locked, and has a narrow band with a few hab domes and nothing more."
"Sounds like a lot. I thought you said this was a backwards system," Kazuma said, sitting up slightly and blinking at the screen.
"It totally is. They don't have much in the way of FTL travel, and all their stuff is junk," Aqua said, slowly raising her head up.
"But it's got all these habitable planets! Why hasn't someone scooped it up?" Kazuma asked, pointing.
"Well, the Space Devil King is trying to. And the natives here are…special," Chris said, unbuckling himself. "Well, better get into your mech, Mr. Ace Pilot."
"Huh? How come?" Kazuma asked, blinking in confusion as he peered at the various planets and moons the screen was still shifting through.
No sooner did he ask then alarms started blaring all through the ship, and the main screen flashed red.
WARNING: INCOMING VESSELS DETECTED. ALL PILOTS TO THEIR MECHA.
"I told you the residents were special," Chris chuckled. "Aqua, take over as Mission Control."
"Me!? Why do I have to do it!?" Aqua gasped, scrambling for the main control panel. "I don't know how to fly a ship!"
"Just don't hit anything. Space is big," Chris told her as he left the bridge.
Kazuma ran after the pilot, and Aqua's voice came over the PA as they headed down to the hold.
"Um, there's a flashing button that says we have a call…I think I should press it?"
"Press it!" Kazuma urged. "Maybe they're friendly!"
"Ok! Um…pressing it!" Aqua agreed.
A moment later, the PA system bellowed: "ATTENTION, ALIEN VESSEL! THIS IS THE PIRATE SHIP, REVENGE! I, CAPTAIN HIROPON, FOREMOST CAPTAIN AND RAIDER OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN, DEMAND THAT YOU SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY AND TURN OVER ALL VALUABLES IN THE NAME OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN!"
"That's why we have to scramble!" Chris laughed. "I told you; the natives are special!"
"Oh shit, do they work for the space devil king?!" Kazuma demanded.
"Nope," Chris said, sliding down a ladder then diving through a hatch. "They're locals."
"Aqua, Aqua, tell them we're from the Galactic Federation and here to fight the Space Devil King!" Kazuma ordered.
"Er, right, um, how do I do that?" Aqua's voice asked.
"Just press buttons until it works!" Kazuma snapped. "Don't you know how to run your own ship?!"
"Ooo, bad idea, she's likely to blow us up," Chris said, clicking his tongue. He ran into the hanger bay, Kazuma hot on his heels. The slim pilot made for a plain looking mech, painted in ordinary greens and grays, with GALACTIC FEDERATION, TH-13 F emblazoned on it. The mecha seemed to have two small missile launchers on its arms, two sheathed mech sized knives on its legs, and two more small lasers embedded in the torso.
"You're going to face pirates in that!? If it's anything like the game, that's a light, fast mecha with pretty crappy firepower," Kazuma said, jumping into his own Mecha and running the start-up sequence.
"Oh, it's not the size of the gun, it's how you use it," Chris said with a wink, then closed the hatch on their mecha, which was smaller by over a meter in height than Kazuma's and looked like it weighed a lot less.
Kazuma closed his own hatch, hitting the complicated series of buttons that would turn his mecha on. He began to sweat a little: he'd never even run the simulator on this thing…
A moment later, the main display turned on. Aqua's face appeared in a corner, looking panicked. "Kazuma, Kazuma!"
"That's my name," Kazuma grunted. "Mecha, activated! Ready to launch!"
"Ready as well," Chris said, his face appearing below Aqua's.
"Um, er…how do I do that?" Aqua asked, sounding confused.
Chris sighed. "It's the big yellow button that shows mecha shooting out of the ship? The 'launch all?' Also: nice. I'm surprised that thing turned on. Not bad, Kazuma."
"What do you mean?" Kazuma asked, but then his mecha shuddered, then he was tossed about his cockpit as it shot out of the ship. After a few moments, Kazuma managed to haul himself back into the seat. "Where's…where's the seat belt?"
"Um, I didn't make one," Aqua admitted. "Just, er, don't make any really sudden turns."
"How am I supposed to fight in a mecha without a seat belt?!" Kazuma demanded. He looked around, and spotted a roll of duct tape on the floor. Hastily, he taped himself across the legs and chest into the seat, grumbling all the while.
"Kazuma, Chris! There's five mecha coming straight at us! Help! I don't want to die! I'm too young! I'm only sixteen!" Aqua wailed.
"You're sixteen?" Kazuma asked, sounding rather disbelieving. There was no way that Aqua looked sixteen, and how had she been employee of the month for so long at such a young- Nevermind. It didn't matter.
"Mazinger K! Ready yourself!" Kazuma declared, and grabbed the steering yoke, pointing the mecha towards the enemy.
"BEHOLD!" a new voice crackled over Kazuma's speakers, and the face of a man with glowing red eyes, a red scarf, a red leather uniform, and gray hair held back in a red bandana with a skull that had a knife buried in one eye embroidered on it, appeared on the screen. "I AM PUCCHIN, FOREMOST TRAINER OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN! SURRENDER AND DIE, SCUM!"
"Don't you mean surrender or die?" Kazuma asked, looking around his panel. Where were the weapons?"
"HAHA! I know what I said!" Pucchin laughed. "Now, girls, I'm just here to observe! Don't forget to follow all proper procedures."
Kazuma looked around, frowning. Where was Chris? He'd vanished from Kazuma's radar, and his face had disappeared from the screen as well. Did Kazuma have to fight FIVE pirate mecha all on his own?
"BEHOLD!" a new face appeared on the screen, this one that of you young girl, probably no more than fourteen or so. "I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST-"
"Seriously? I have to fight a little girl?" Kazuma said with a smirk. "Go back to middle school, kid. You could get hurt out here."
"WHAT?! I AM NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL! I'M SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD YOU JERK, AND I'LL GRADUATE IN JUST A FEW MONTHS AND BE AN ADULT!" the little girl ranted, going beet red. She had on a scarlet eyepatch, another scarlet bandana with a little mushroom cloud on the front, and of course, more red leather.
"Uh huh. Well, don't say I didn't warn you. For I am Kazuma, Ace Pilot, from Earth!" Kazuma declared.
Yet another face appeared, another young woman, though this one actually did look like she was a senior in high school. "Um, I-I am Y-Yunyun, F-Foremost-"
"I DIDN'T FINISH, YUNYUN!" Megumin ranted. "I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST CANNONEER OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY DESTROY AN ENTIRE WORLD WITH MY MIGHT!"
Kazuma realized that all of these maniacs were going to give a little speech. Their mecha were even coming to a stop a few kilometers from Kazuma so they could do so. What a joke. Well, Kazuma just had to find his long range weapons and-
"Where's my weapons?" Kazuma asked aloud, looking at his board in puzzlement. There was a button for communications, one for the toilet, an eject button, another for a snack, another for a drink, two for different video game systems…
"Um, a-are you done? O-ok," the timid pirate said, fidgeting nervously. "I-I am Yunyun, F-Foremost-"
"BEHOLD!" yet another young woman declared, this one with a black bandana with a bow on it and…was that a little book icon with a pen? What kind of terrifying pirate logo was THAT? "I AM ARUE, FOREMOST-"
Kazuma tuned out the rest of the speeches as he desperately looked for his weapons. He muted the other comms channels and frantically called Aqua. "Aqua, where are the weapons on this thing?!"
"Oh, they drew too much power, so I had to take them off. That thing is only powered by the batteries for my old phone and the magnetron from an old microwave," Aqua told him.
"What do you MEAN you took off the weapons!? I have to have WEAPONS!" Kazuma said, grabbing the screen in desperation.
"Well, I just used the materials I had. It's really impressive that thing flies at all, you know," Aqua said, puffing out her cheeks in indignation. "Considering what I was working with."
"Did you use high grade materials?!" Kazuma demanded.
"No. It's mostly tinfoil and milk cartons with some paste and duct tape," Aqua told him. "I could have cannibalized one of Chris's mecha but those always come out looking really ugly and you said you wanted a custom job."
"I wanted a custom job that could FIGHT!" Kazuma cried, going purple with rage. "What is this, a display model!"
"Yeah, it looks really cool, doesn't it? I am honestly a genius for making it so it could fly," Aqua bragged. "I don't think anyone else could have gotten a microwave and a phone battery to do all that."
Before Kazuma could rant further, he noticed that the Crimson Demons had all stopped talking. He also noticed that aside from the old man, they were all attractive young women. But they were also accelerating towards him, and fast.
Letting out a yip of panic, Kazuma turned his mecha around and tried to flee. Unfortunately, it turned out that his mecha that was built out of tin foil and milk jugs had the top speed of a fast car. While that was really, really impressive that a microwave and a cell phone could fly in space at all, that didn't really mean much against the enemy mecha that very much were actually built for war.
Desperately, Kazuma shouted, "I surrender!" at the screen, hoping to earn a respite. However, as he was panicking, he forgot to hit the "unmute" button, and none of the Crimson Demons heard a word he was saying.
Crying and pleading, Kazuma's mecha puttered through space as its pilot desperately tried to get away, like a crippled deer running from four hungry wolves. Explosions began to rattle Kazuma's mech, as one odd byproduct was that his low powered mecha didn't emit much in the way of radiation, making it hard to target by the Crimson Demons' systems. Missiles burst around him and lasers lanced through space, but Kazuma's luck held out and he barely dodged all of it.
Just as he was ready to wet himself and die, Chris' mecha suddenly reappeared on the scanners behind the fourth Crimson Demon girl, the one Kazuma had ignored.
"Nothing personal, kid," Chris' voice said over the comm, and then he buried his knives in the back of the mecha.
The girl screamed silently, and sparks flew in the cockpit around her. Chris withdrew her knives, and the Crimson Demon mecha shuddered, then went still, dead in space.
"Oh. They're muted," Kazuma muttered, and turned the comm system back on.
"NERIMAKI! NOOOOOOOO!" the three remaining Crimson Demon girls wailed.
"You will pay for this, outsider!" Megumin snarled. "I shall unleash my ultimate technique! That which even the Space Devil King quakes in fear of!"
"NO!" Yunyun wailed. "Not while they're close to Nerimaki! She could be hit!" Yunyun gasped. Her mecha, the lightest and sleakest, with powerful long range lasers, dove forward. "I'll get him!"
"Not today, kiddo," Chris chuckled. "So long."
With a jaunty salute, Chris' mecha vanished again.
"A stealth field!? On a mecha that small!?" Megumin gasped. "The only way to stop it is through overwhelming firepower!"
"I think not," Arue chuckled. "For you see, I have foreseen this: I have with me an X-Ray bomb, one that will ruin any stealth fields!"
Arue's mecha, the largest of the three, with a large rack of various missiles on the back, one arm a laser canon, the other a multi-launcher, and another smaller laser on the head, reached up and and slotted a bulbous missile into her launcher, then fired it. The missile sped forwards, then exploded, bathing the battlefield in radiation.
"Ha, ha! Where are you, outlander?" Arue cackled. "I shall-"
"Right here," Chris said, the radiation washing over his mech as it appeared right in front of Arue's. "Say goodbye."
Arue recoiled, horror on her face. "What!? Impossible! How could you-"
Chris' two lasers fired, right into the core of Arue's mecha. It bucked and trembled, then Chris dove the last few meters and punched, causing the mecha to break into two pieces, the torso separating.
"Nice! Way to go Chris!" Kazuma gasped. He'd brought his mecha around, and was racing for the Crimson Demons. So what if he had no weapons? If they were distracted, he had one weapon he could always use…
"N-no! My friends!" Yunyun wailed.
"Stand back, Yunyun! Nothing can stop me now!" Megumin boasted. Her mech appeared to have no weapons, but two strange wings over its shoulders. The two wings suddenly snapped together, right in the center of Megumin's mecha's torse. They extended out from the body, forming the barrel of a single large canon. "NOW, FACE JUDGMENT! WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION BEAM, FIRE!"
Kazuma gasped in pain as the screens and his view ports flashed white as a new sun was birthed. A massive detonation and wave of energy washed over the battlefield as Megumin's mecha fired a wave of destruction that not only dwarfed her mecha, but would have dwarfed her mothership, or even the larger Axis Queen. The awesome display of firepower silhouetted the remaining mecha, and Kazuma feared the worst.
However, Megumin seemed to have entirely missed Chris, her shot not even grazing his mecha. Instead, the beam traveled harmlessly out into space, where eventually, even its cataclysmic energy would harmlessly dissipate.
Really eventually though. Like, after a decade or two.
"You…missed," Chris grunted, looking into his camera and grinning, blood trickling down his face from a cut, goggles knocked askew so one violet eye showed.
"Chris!? Oh, thank the goddesses, you're safe!" Aqua cried. "I thought you-"
"Didn't hit me," Chris grunted. "But…it didn't…didn't have to…backwash got me..systems are fried…I'm shutting down. Sorry, Aqua. It's up to Kazuma now. Good look, Ace."
"I GOT YOU!" Kazuma screamed. He'd moved just fast enough to get close to Megumin's mecha, and he extended his fist as he barreled into it. "MAZINGER PUNCH!"
Kazuma's mecha hit Megumin, then shattered. Even going only a couple hundred kilometers per hour, tinfoil and milk cartons just don't have the durability to survive a head on collision. Thankfully, Aqua took her safety systems seriously. Kazuma's capsule was well protected, and he found himself floating amidst the scraps and ruin of his "ace custom."
"Did…did I get her?" Kazuma asked, peering at Megumin's mecha. It was totally frozen, apparently, having sustained enough damage to cripple it. "I…I did! I took her out, she-"
"Megumin! Y-you fried your own systems again!" Yunyun said, flying closer. "Y-you could have been killed!"
Megumin, of course, did not respond, as her mecha was totally shut down. She was currently putting on her helmet and breathing equipment, as even her mecha's life support system was offline.
"W-well…you did get both of them…though how you destroyed the s-second one, I don't know…I thought he was going to ram you…" Yunyun sighed. She flew over to the Axis Queen. "Um, s-surrender. O-or I'll shoot…"
"DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE!" Aqua wailed. "We don't have any weapons! We're from the Galactic Federation, we're here to fight the Space Devil King!"
Yunyun blinked. "Really? W-with one light mecha…and…whatever the other one was? A-and no weapons on your ship?"
"We, um, we have have, er…slightly underprepared," Aqua admitted.
"Well…I still need to pass my trial…so, sorry. B-but I'm boarding you. A-and claiming your mecha as prizes! Y-You have been defeated by Yunyun, F-Foremost Ace Pilot of the Crimson Pirate Clan, and she w-who will one day be Pirate Queen!"
"Well, as long as you promise to save my friends," Aqua agreed.
"Oh, of course!" Yunyun agreed brightly. "We c-can't sell you into slavery without taking you alive!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Aqua wailed, even as Crimson Demon leech craft latched on to the Axis Queen. "I'm too pretty to be a slave girl!"
Some time later, Kazuma woke up in a cramped little cell in the brig of the Crimson Pirate Space ship. Chris was slumped across from him, looking a bit put out. Actually, Chris looked rather composed for someone who had just been captured by pirates. Aqua, on the other hand, was sobbing into Kazuma's shoulder.
"Hey, get off me!" Kazuma snapped, jerking away from Aqua.
"K-Kazuma! W-we're being sold into slavery!" Aqua wailed, grabbing Kazuma's arm and shaking him. "I-I'm going to be horribly abused! D-do you know what they do to female slaves as pretty as I am!?"
"Oh relax. Just lie back and enjoy it," Kazuma grumbled. "I'm getting sold into slavery too, you know." He glanced over at Chris, who was still sulking. "Um, you were pretty awesome back there. I can't believe you used a light mecha like that to take out two pirates all on your own…"
"I can't believe that had both an anti cloaking device, AND a such a hugely powerful weapon. If they'd fought like half sane pirates, I would have mopped the floor with them," Chris grumbled. "Now we'll have to escape this cell and everything…"
"What?! How! We're locked in here, and you're hurt! It looks like your arm is broken, and you're cut with dried blood everywhere!" Kazuma said. "And where would we go! We're stuck on a pirate ship!"
"Oh, I'll think of something," Chris vowed, sitting up and wincing. "Aqua, can't you heal me?"
"I, er…" Aqua blushed, looking down. "I-I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, come on! The nano tech? Please! This really hurts!" Chris begged.
"W-well, um, maybe just a little. I could-"
"There you are! Sorry, had to attend to the girls first. You gave Megumin and Arue quite a thrashing! What a great trial!" a fat man waddled into the hold, dressed in long white robes with red stripes on them, his hair done up in a pomfrey. His robe had a sharp "V" neck, and quite a bit of chest hair was poking out from it. He opened the lock with a swipe of a key card, and squatted down by Chris. "Right, young man, let's get that jacket off and have a look at you. I think you might have cracked a rib or two."
"N-No! I'm fine!" Chris lied. "Y-you don't need to take my jacket off!"
The man frowned, then glanced at Aqua. "Ah, shy, are we? Well, come along. I'll take you to the med bay then. Can't have our goods damaged!"
A knife appeared in Chris' good hand, and he made to stab the doctor. He easily blocked the thrust, then twisted Chris' arm. "Ha! Good one! But it will take more than that to get one over on ole' Chekera! Now, don't make me dislocate it. Come along!"
"Wait, no, I-" Chris babbled, and the doctor hoisted Chris to his feet, then grabbed him around the chest and legs.
"Ole Doc Chekera will- oh. Oh, ah, I see the problem. Sorry, miss. You're built just like Megumin! Well, no worries. I'm a professional! I treat boys and girls both. Come along, don't worry, I won't get frisky!"
Chris slumped in the doctor's arms, and gave Aqua a guilty look as she hobbled off, having to lean on Chekera rather heavily.
"Wait…Chris…is a girl?" Aqua gasped.
"Yeah…I…I can't believe I didn't notice," Kazuma said, upgrading Chris from "Potential Rival" to "Waifu" in his mind.
"Huh. She has purple eyes, and silver hair, just like my friend Eris," Aqua mused.
Kazuma glanced at Aqua. "Really? I heard you two talking on the phone. Do you think…?"
"That's weird! I've never met anyone one else with that combination. I'll have to tell Eris when we get back," Aqua said, nodding to herself.
Kazuma blinked. "Oh, I guess they must look really different…"
"Nah, Chris has a scar on her cheek, longer hair, and bigger boobs, but other than that they could be twins!"
"Huh. Well, I'm sure-"
"Of course, Eris wears pads because she's super insecure, and she always covers up her scar with makeup for the same reason," Aqua prattled on.
Kazuma gave her an incredulous look. "So…they have identical scars…and the same cup size?"
"Well, when Eris doesn't wear the pads, sure!" Aqua agreed.
"And…people can cut their hair," Kazuma prompted. "And that eye and hair color is really strange, which means that Chris is probably…"
"No, they're not related, I promise! There's no way Chris is…um, the same race," Aqua assured Kazuma.
"But, since they look identical…" Kazuma said slowly. "Aside from features that are changed with cosmetics…"
"Yeah, it will be so fun to introduce them! I bet they'd get along great. Man, I wish I was on vacation with Eris right now," Aqua sighed, slumping in the cell. "It would be so much better than this."
Kazuma regarded Aqua, a look of utter disbelief on his face. She wasn't this stupid. There was no way! How stupid could-
"Do you think we could get room service?" Aqua asked, looking up. "I'm hungry. Would they bring me some of my bubbly from my ship, you think?"
Very. The answer was very stupid. Kazuma looked deep into Aqua's eyes, and all he could see was a "THIS SPACE TO LET" sign behind them.
"This is just great. I'm stuck with no mecha, a useless commander, and a Sweet Polly Oliver, and I'm being sold into slavery!" Kazuma wailed.
"Who's Polly Oliver?" Aqua asked curiously.
"Our crossdressing friend! But we have to-"
"No, that's Chris! You know, I remember, back before we got promoted, sometimes, Eris would dress up in boy's clothes too and get into fights. She was a really good mecha pilot too. I was in the supply and engineering corps of course. I don't like fighting, you get all sweaty and sometimes you get hurt," Aqua rambled on. "Hey! Is anyone there! We're hungry! ROOM SERVICE!"
"Aqua, we're being sold into slavery, and we're in the brig of a pirate ship!" Kazuma ranted. "There is no way that we-"
"Bonjour, mon amie!" a man said, spinning around in an elaborate bow as he slid out of the hatch and into the brig. He was wearing a tall white chef's hat, with a red brim and the symbols of a skull and cross…spatulas. What the heck kind of pirates were these?
"I am Chakamiya, Foremost Cook of the Crimson Pirate Clan! I would like to welcome you aboard! Tell me, what wondrous dishes can I prepare for you today!" the man said, bowing again and smiling as he tugged at his long mustaches.
"Aqua, he's taunting us," Kazuma said. "There is no way that-"
"Can we see a menu? But I think we'll start with something light. I'll have a caesar salad. What about you, Kazuma?" Aqua asked.
"Gruel," Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. "Preferably with no roaches or rats in it."
Chakamiya's eyes lit up. "Ah! A man of exquisite taste! I see you are really getting into the pirate captive to be sold into slavery experience! I will have some authentic gruel for you, my boy!"
"Of course," Kazuma sighed. At least they weren't starving him…
"And you, my lady? What sort of dressing?" Chakamiya asked.
"Do you have ranch?" Aqua asked. "And can we see a drinks menu?"
"But of course! I will be back, una memento!" Chakamiya skipped out, leaving the two prisoners still in their cell.
"See? He's just taunting you. It's gruel and stale bread for you," Kazuma told Aqua.
A few moments later, Chakamiya was back, rolling a cart with a silver dinner platter on it covered by a lid. He quickly brought out a small table and three chairs, setting them up beside the cell. Then he opened it and bowed. "Please, have a seat while I serve you. I set a place for you friend. He is in good hands, do not worry. Chekera is a magnificent doctor! Replaced my leg, you see! Good as new! I always wanted a peg leg! But he wouldn't hear of it! Insisted on a flash cloned one, the spoil sport."
Kazuma slowly got up and sat in the actually rather comfortable seat. Aqua tucked her napkin into her jumpsuit's collar, taking up her salad fork as Chakamiya served her.
"One caesar salad, with ranch! Cheese, my dear?" Chakamiya asked, holding up a grater.
"Yes please!" Aqua said happily, and Chakamiya began to grate shredded parmesan onto her rather appetizing looking fresh salad, with juicy ripe tomatoes, and several croutons and cucumbers.
Kazuma poked at his gruel. There was a sprig of parsley in it, and a garnish of ketchup, which was in the shape of a skull and crossbones. Seriously?
"And here are your menus," Chakamiya said. "I'll be back as you look over the menu. Here, some fresh tea while you wait."
Kazuma expected a hot cup, but instead he was handed a cold glass with ice and lemon in it. He looked at it, baffled, as Chakamiya hummed to himself and left.
"Ooo, Iced Tea, my favorite!" Aqua said, and happily sipped hers. "Mmm, sweet! Just like I like it!"
Kazuma hesitantly sipped his. He would never call it "tea" but…it was pretty good.
A few minutes later, Chris came in, walking alongside a happily chatting Doc Chekera.
"-and as I said, young woman, we're perfectly open minded in the Crimson Pirate Clan. If you do want to become a young man, it's a simple operation and gene scan, with-"
"No, no, I like being a girl, thanks!" Chris squeaked. She hastened to the table and hid behind her menu, only the bright red tips of her ears showing.
"And, you, young man?" Chekera said. "Let's have a look at you."
Kazuma put his spoon down. His gruel was cold oatmeal. It had bits of sausage in it. And some scrambled egg and cheese. It wasn't rice, but it wasn't bad. He'd have this for a meal and be happy.
"Alright, Doc. Do me up."
Chekera took out a scanner of some kind and ran it up and down Kazuma. "Hmm, light contusion…focus on this light? Good dilation…no concussion then. Well, we'll monitor you until we get into port and sell you! Enjoy your meal! Chakamiya's cooking is delicious!" The doctor rubbed his paunch and smacked his lips, then waddled off, whistling a happy tune.
Kazuma studied his menu. A few of the items he didn't recognize, but…a lot of them he did. Seriously, was this just earth food with names like "Space Burger" instead of "hamburger?" Was this just a bad light novel or something? Though the fried giant space frog legs sounded a bit weird. Or just French. Same thing, really.
As he sat through the surreal meal, Kazuma couldn't help but wonder just what the hell kind of pirates he'd been taken captive by.