AUTHOR'S NOTE: Whoops, forgot the disclaimer in the first chapter! I do not own The Legend of Zelda, the Legend of Drizzt, The Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, nor do I own any of the characters of said franchises. However, I do own the crack involved, the chaos is mine (and justforficsjules's).
CHAPTER 2 - Of Gimli Hating Clouds, Elves Choking in Hylian, and Lasers That Are On Fire
"I never thought I'd die fighting alongside an elf," Gimli snarked, battling multiple orcs and standing back-to-back with a very odd companion for a dwarf.
"How about alongside a friend?" Legolas the (fabulous) elf responded in a solemn tone, wielding his bow like a melee weapon as only he could do against hordes of the same enemy.
"Aye, I could do thaAAAAAAAAAA-" Gimli was cut off by a massive rift opening under his feet, tumbling in alongside Legolas-
I laughed maniacally as I ripped open the fabric of the multiverse and wrenched the iconic duo from their proper place in space-time. I deepened my voice using the supreme powers of The Author. "HELLO, MY HUMANOID FRIENDS!"
"Who are ye?" Gimli shouted.
"Where are we?" Legolas wondered, turning around to try (and fail miserably) to see anything in the eternal darkness.
"YOU ARE IN THE SPACE BETWEEN WORLDS!"
"What on Middle-Earth are you talking about? The space between worlds?" Legolas questioned.
("Not Middle-Earth anymore, Elf-boy! HAHAHA!" - Kitten)
"GOOD LUCK!" I boomed back, ripping another hole and chucking the unfortunate two through.
The elf/dwarf duo landed on a bizarrely sparkly mushroom before sliding off and hitting the ground with a resounding thud.
"Ye son of a dog, that hurt!" Gimli screeched, waving a fist at the sky. Legolas just groaned. "I'll get ye, ya worthless yellow bellied, lily livered carpetbagger-"
(Gosh dang it, my deep-rooted love of 1800's insults and slang was messing with the fic.)
("No, keep throwing them in! May I suggest 'son of a potato manatee'?")
(Great idea, Kitten, I think I'll use that!)
"-son of a potato manatee!" Gimli finished.
"Gimli, I don't think he or she cares," Legolas reached down to place a hand on Gimli's shoulder.
A face emerged from the clouds. "JUST USE GENDER NEUTRAL LANGUAGE, I COMMAND THEE!"
"Who or what are you?" Legolas called in response.
"I AM A GOD! A DEITY, IMMORTAL AND ETERNAL IN STRENGTH. I! AM! THE AUTHOR!" the voice's volume doubled at the declaration of its title.
"The Author?" Legolas asked, ears ringing a bit.
"YES!" The Author replied. "AND I CONTROL YOU!"
"No ye don't, ye cur-" Gimli was cut off by his own hand slapping him fully across the face.
("Take that, smelly dwarf, Kitten and Jules are your gods!")
The Author laughed raucously. "IF I AM A CUR, THEN YOU ARE A FLEA, GIMLI SON OF GROIN!"
"It's GLOIN! And don't ye be insulting my father!" Gimli looked ready to charge the cloud face, even though it was hanging a full mile above his head. Logic wasn't his strongest point.
"PEACE, GROIN-SON-"
"It's GLOIN!"
"YES, YES, LOIN-SON-"
"AAAAAAAAAA-"
"SHH, I'M TALKING. I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY HERE."
("How long has it been since you read LotR, Jules?")
(Too long for me to be super reliable about this.)
("I can see that...")
(Ok, I'll stop bullying Gimli. And I'll pick up the book again.)
("The fourth wall is suffering enough damage for this portion of the chapter, where are the Links?")
(On the horizon!)
"If not you, then who?" Legolas questioned, growing supremely confused at the entire ordeal and mind spinning at the fact that 'The Author', whoever they were, apparently sucked them up from the middle of a battlefield and plopped them in a random forest that was definitely not the Mirkwood. However, The Author was already gone, and two figures approached from around the bend.
"And who are ye, ye orc-munching scum?" Gimli brandished his axe.
(Kitten, help, I don't know enough about the Links for this, please forgive my mistakes.)
("All right, I get to contribute more!")
"Sjhillas bevnc kjin dskid jadhfe sweds nfjir," said the boy in green-
("SHOOT!" screeched Kitten, grabbing angrily at her hair. "HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THE LANGUAGE BARRIER?? Now the Links are speaking Hylian but LeGimli are speaking Westron! Oh for Din's sake-"
Hence the further screwing-up of the multiverse as any language barriers henceforth were blown to bits.)
"I'm Link, but you can call me Sky," said the boy in green with light brown hair and bright blue eyes.
"And I'm Link, but you can call me Time." said the blond, also green-clad teen with more angular features.
"...what," deadpanned Legolas.
"Wha' kinda elf nonsense is this? Two boys named Link who insist on bein' called Sky and Time?"
"What's an elf?" asked Sky, now just as confused as the Fellowship members.
"I am an elf," Legolas replied patiently, not understanding that the Links were in fact Hylian and not the Sindarin elves that they so resembled.
"And I'm a dwarf! The name's Gimli, son of GLOIN." Gimli emphasized the last part pointedly, turning an accusatory glare at the unsuspecting clouds. The clouds didn't respond, because they were clouds, and now the Links were even more befuddled as to why this "dwarf" fellow seemed to have an issue with Hyrule's cumulonimbuses.
(Now that's a big word!)
("I'm not sure what kind of cloud that is, oof.")
"I see," said Time, seemingly unfazed by the presence of more random humanoids falling from the sky. "Do dwarves bear some sort of animosity towards clouds?"
"Only ones that insult their fathers," Gimli glared at the empty sky again, which didn't react except to plop a fat drop of mildly acidic rain (a rarity on the Surface) right into his eye.
"... alright then." Time watched as Gimli flailed around, rubbing at his eyes.
Sky had had enough. Answers. Now. "Okay, since you two obviously aren't from ...Hyrule... any time near our eras, where exactly did you come from? What multiverse has crashed into ours now?"
"We come from Middle-Earth. I am Legolas, the Sindarin elf prince from the kingdom of the Mirkwood. And this is my companion, Gimli son of Gloin, Elf-friend, killer of many orcs and causer of much screaming-"
(Dang it, Kitten!)
("Sorry, sorry! Correcting character voice now!")
SLAP.
"-And a dear friend of mine." Legolas finished with a bow (because he's a polite fellow, not some barbarian that delights in his friend causing much screaming).
"Yeah, yeah, it's a pleasure to meet ye boys." Gimli did a mocking imitation of Legolas' elegant bow (because he's a dwarf, and therefore he's salty about everything).
Time realized he might not be able to control this one's actions, and one of the Links should probably keep an eye on him at all times to make sure he didn't carve a path of destruction through Faron Woods and the other provinces. Sky privately came to the same conclusion, vowing to never let this Gimli onto Skyloft as he'd probably hack it out of the sky.
"Pray tell, my… elf-ish-"
"Hylian."
"-Hylian friends. Where exactly in this world are we?"
"Hyrule, or the land that will become it," said Time. 'Believe it or not, I come from a place in the timeline centuries after this, if the legends hold any credence. This land was a kingdom named after the goddess Hylia, However, Sky told me his story (as he is the native Link in this era), and it seems as if Hyrule hasn't been founded yet."
"Well, at least the names are easy to keep track of," grumbled Gimli. "Everythin's Hy-somethin', at home we got Gondor, Mordor, Lothlorien, The Shire, Rohan, the Mirkwood, Mount Doom, Rivendell, Moria, Erebor, Dale, the Misty Mountains, a buncha' other Elf-places-"
Gimli paused in his kingdom-listing when he realized Sky had zoned out, still trying to figure out how to spell 'Lothlorien' in his head.
"I believe what Gimli is, albeit untactfully, trying to say is that your naming conventions are very practical. Isn't that right, Gimli?" Legolas elbowed his short, angry companion.
"Yeah, yeah, what the elf said."
"...I see," responded Time. "There are other places in Hyrule and this Surface, of course, but none are as difficult to pronounce as 'Loflorin' - 'Lothloreen' - that isn't right, is it?
"Lothlorien." Legolas offered
Sky tried his hand at it. "Loshlorin? Lolthlo- pfft, ack I can't do it right!"
"Lothlorien," Gimli snapped, extremely irritated at this point.
"Lothlorien," Time repeated, successfully this time.
"Yes, Lothlorien." Legolas said encouragingly.
"...nevermind..." Sky said meekly.
"How do you even roll your Rs like that, anyway?" inquired Time. "I don't think I've ever tried that... 'Erebor'... 'Errrriborrr'-"
He interrupted himself by seemingly choking on his own tongue.
"Nay, ye need to roll yer tongue more, like this," Gimli cleared his throat. "Errrrrreborrrrrrrrrr."
Time was too busy hacking up his left lung to answer.
"Pronunciations aside, we are strangers in this land, and would greatly benefit from the assistance of two natives," said Legolas, trying and failing to ignore how Time looked and sounded like he was coughing up a hairball. Sky, who had enough common sense not to try rolling his Rs like his unfortunate descendant, nodded, explaining the general layout of his world's terrain to the two while Time regained control of his voice. In turn, Legolas and Gimli explained their stories, starting with a call for action and a hobbit with a ring...
*-*-*-*-*
Meanwhile, in the pit under the Sealed Grounds as the ZeldaRings acquainted themselves...
The curse-fest of Ganondorf and Demise was interrupted very suddenly when a flaming person dropped into the pit with them.
Demise, immediately insulted that his fiery hair had competition, proceeded to try and bash the newcomer's head in, while Ganondorf gleefully helped because he was dumb and forgot that he wasn't immune to fire damage.
The villains tussled and acquired some fifth-degree burns for a while, until the new person got bored of the fight, turned into a giant crimson eye and blasted the Ganon-incarnations with flaming lasers. How lasers could be on fire, the authors didn't know, but it was funny so it happened.
"I AM SAUROOOOOONNN!!! BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRNNNN!!!!"
And so the cursing continued, but this time it was mixed with lots of screaming. Gimli, had he been watching, would've been proud.
AUTHOR'S NOTE (again): Time is, for the most part, going to be a serious, competent, and unflinching character, but both of the Links will hqve their moments of silliness. Therefore, Time has my (Kitten's) spectacular inability to roll Rs.
Next chapter will introduce a couple of familiar faces from Faerun...