Chapter 15
Matthew woke up to a beautiful sunrise. All and any time of day could be stunning at a house like the abbey.
But he thought mornings always were. Whether they were bright and sunny like that morning or misty and atmospheric. He loved them.
And he also loved mornings because of who he woke up with.
He put an arm about his wife and was pleased to feel her press in close and respond to him.
She was awake, her eyes bright as he saw them.
"Any news?" he asked, yawning as he did so.
"The best kind of news," Mary said with an exhausted grin. "Sybil is back. Anna had a boy." To her great delight her friend had already felt up to sending a picture of the baby. He looked as if he was a lovely little thing. "Mind you, I can't help but think Tom had a point - Sybil looked exhausted."
She hoped her next shift had been pushed back, but she did not know how possible that was. She feared it was going to be not at all from the way her sister spoke about her work.
But Sybil, on her return, really had looked dead on her feet. She would need a rest before she once more faced the maternity ward.
"Did she say how Anna was?" her husband asked with concern. He liked Anna and she had always been a good friend to Mary.
"Only that she was ok, and her text said she was glad to be back with John." The message which Anna had sent with the picture of baby Bates had been a bit harder to decipher than the picture which had spoken for itself. She had no doubt that was due to her weariness so she had told her to get some rest and she hoped when Anna was doing better they could catch up properly. Even if that was going to have to be through a window. Pray god that little boy allowed his mother some sleep that night. She wondered how it was Anna had coped with it all, though she knew her to be strong and have courage in spades.
"I am sure," Matthew concurred with a sigh for it could not have been easy for her to be apart from him – heck they had not even been at the hospital and he was well aware how hard Mary had found that day. He wondered how many times he had to multiply that feeling to find how hard it had been for Anna.
"I can't think either of them would have taken the separation well." She was sure if it was them then they would not have done. Matthew made a noise which could only suggest the utmost sympathy which he had for Anna and Bates. Mary rolled towards the middle of the bed and to him, once more having laid on her back when they were talking. Other couples may have been forced in to separation since the world went nuts but she was so glad that was not the case for them. Especially not so early into their young but happy marriage.
He put a hand on the small of her back and the feeling of being skin on skin for the two of them was nothing short of bliss.
Separation. What a horrible word.
At first they lay quietly and quite, quite still and then Matthew pressed a tender kiss to his wife's forehead and then another. And then there was a kiss on her check. When she had spent so much of yesterday worrying it really it did feel joyful to be so near to Matthew.
It was calming. And peaceful. And quiet.
But then she felt Matthew come closer still. And she knew what he wanted. Of course she did.
And she could not say that she did not want it either, for she did. And she was always going to want him in that way.
But what she did not want was to have Anna's birth.
They had had the talk before they had got married. They knew they wanted children, both of them. A family had very much been on the cards. But that was when the world was sane.
And it was not any more.
It was only then Mary realised she had been thinking for too long.
She came back in to the room and saw there was hurt and rejection in his eyes.
Fuck.
It had not been meant as such, as a rejection. That was the very last thing in the world Mary wanted to do.
But it was too late for that.
"I am sorry," Matthew said meaning it for the offence he had unknowingly cause. He had pulled back immediately.
Mary found the words she needed to explain her actions to her husband escaped her and thus they got off on the wrong foot that day.
X x x
Sybil woke up on her own to her great disappointment. Balm for that disappointment came swiftly: A note by her side told her Tom had gone to make her breakfast. It had gone midday but she supposed given the circumstances it was reasonable to still call it breakfast.
She wished he was there, to hold her straight away – but yes she was hungry. If he had gone to make her food she could forgive him.
She threw on a hoody and went to find him.
As she knew she would, she found him in the kitchen.
"How are you feeling?" checked Tom as Sybil walked in.
"A bit like a new woman." She responded though it was a bit of an exaggeration.
Anyone would think she was the one who had given birth last night.
A small smile prayed on her lips at the memory of Anna cradling her new son. It was the first time she had ever helped someone she knew give birth and due to the external circumstances, it had not been the joy she had thought it would be. Yes there had been happiness there, nevertheless. But there was still that but…
She tried to turn her thoughts from the darker of those two paths as her stomach rumbled.
Her craving for a hot breakfast drink was clearly about to be satisfied by Tom though.
He had made her a bacon sandwich and a hot sweet tea.
He knew she would be ravenous.
She sat up at the breakfast bar and gave him what could only be called a brave smile.
He was only sorry she felt the need to be.
Somewhere deep down it hurt him she felt she had to find courage to smile then, even with him.
"I am glad to hear it but when we are done with food, I think we should go right to bed - and I do not mean to do anything but sleep," he said with the cheeky grin as he tried to gage the mood.
"I would not be good for anything else today," she said with a sigh. Tom knew deep down it was no time to joke.
"Truly, my darling, are you ok?"
The silence told him all he needed to know about her answer to that question. And that was that she was a long way from ok.
"Do you know, it was such an honour to be there with Anna but I think I just now realised just how barbaric the next few months are going to be. Women giving birth with out there choice of birth partner, women wishing their partner could be with them and not having that support. I can't fathom the mental health issues that is going to cause. And then what is that going to bring. A rise in postnatal depression? Only already we are hearing that the community team are limiting visiting due to covid. So is that depression going to be caught so easily? As if it has ever been caught easily before, ever…" she asked as she looked him dead in the eye. And then what was that going to do to the babies and bonding and…
She blinked and a tear splash down her check. She wiped it away on her sleeve. As if she was ashamed of crying. In front of him, which he hated. She should never ever have to feel that way. This was what they had been talking about… keeping talking.
"Sybil, I do not want you to be under this pressure. Darling if there is too much for you –"
"And what? So they mothers are abandoned by their midwives as well?" she asked. He knew to her that was not an option.
No, she was going to stay there with them in the trenches. That was where she belonged. For just as long as it took for this to pass.
"I am not going to go. But it is going to go against everything we all believe in in training." What she was going to be enforcing…felt wrong.
And she knew as one of the midwives who were implementing this she was going to be in the firing lines.
Honestly, she knew that if any mother or father had a go at her over the next few months and weeks it was not going to be born out of anything personal. It was going to be borne by fear or longing. She was not going to blame them. But it would feel terrible…
All Tom wanted to do in that moment was defend her and save her from what she was already going through. But he couldn't. So he did what he could…
He came and put his arms about her and held her.
He couldn't protect her as he would wish, but he could love her with all his might. And so he would.
Oh yes he would he thought as she clung on to him. "I've got you my darling. I've got you."
X x x
After what had gone on between them that morning, Mary had been very mature and got out of the bedroom as soon as she could.
It turned out to be an error as the longer the day went on, the more apparent it became that she could not settle to anything. She could not do her work. When her and Edith had a squabble it was an easy win for her sister. And when she spilled hot water when making a tea it was the very last straw.
She needed out. She needed to get all of this tension out of her.
And so she pulled on a cardigan which she did not really need on and made her way out into the garden. A bit of air would no doubt do her the world of good.
The thing was it was not as if she had left it all that badly with Matthew. It had just been awkward.
He had stopped as soon as he has realised she didn't want it that morning. It had never occurred to her he would do anything differently. But he had looked hurt. There was no use in denying it.
She had gathered herself and left.
And so it was that she found herself sitting in the garden at two in the afternoon.
She had not been there long when she heard footsteps behind her. The immature part of her and the girl in her hoped it was her mother.
But in her heart she didn't need to turn to know it was her husband.
Matthew had no more been able to set his mind to anything than his wife had. He had gone on a walk after breakfast and then he had tried to do some work and he had failed. So when he had seen his wife walk out through the window he had decided that enough was enough.
They were both miserable and how silly was that he thought as he sat at her side.
And for a moment there was silence.
"Mary –"
"Matt –"
Their eyes met and a small laugh escaped him as she dared a smile and cleared her throat.
"Let me please," she said as she held his hand. This felt easier to have this conversation when they were touching.
"I – I do not - I did not express myself well this morning." Mary admitted.
"Do you think you can do it now?" asked Matthew. She nodded. She had had time to reflect on this… on what she should have said…
"I - I know we discussed having children – and, and I do so want them with you, I want a baby – your baby, my darling. But - but I no longer believe… that this is the right time for us to go ahead and have one," she admitted. She did not met his eyes for fear of any further hurt she may see in his eyes. "I – I want your baby but I do not want a covid birth. I want us to wait for a while now," she knew they did not know how long a while would be. How long was a piece of string she thought to herself.
And no doubt that would not please him any more than it did her. But there they were.
"OK – so then we wait," she heard him say – just like that - and it felt as if a wait had been taken off of her chest.
He squeezed her hand and it was only then she dared to look at him.
He was still her Matthew. His eyes were not hurt. They were warm. If this was the issue then, he could deal with this.
"If you think I want you to have Anna's birth then you are wrong my darling."
He would not argue to put her in that situation. He let go of her hand but only to take her in his arms.
She felt freer now with her words than she had all day. "It wasn't you I did not want this morning. It was anyone else or consequences I did not want."
"I know that," he said as he kissed her forehead, hoping in a small way he was helping her to feel more secure. She clearly had not been feeling so that morning.
But that when we he knew he had to say something which could unsettle her once more. It was not as if they had been very careful since they had got married. And he could not ignore that.
"You know this may have been decided already though."
She had hoped he was not going to state the obvious – but she did recognised it may be needed to be said.
"Of course – and if it has been, then I am not – I could not change the course of fate," she said delicately as she rested in his arms. She could prevent herself from becoming pregnant from now on. But if something had already happened…
"And if that is the case we will surely know soon enough." He murmured kissing her forehead.
She nodded and said no more. For now, after all, there was nothing more to say.
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