Peggy watches as the words strike Steve, and he processes it. Then he blinks, and he shakes his head, "I'm sorry, what?"
It grates her throat to say it again, "It is you. In the Hydra Stomper"
Clint tilts his head, "the what?"
Anthony is the first to recover, "that's not possible. Steve died in the 50's."
Natasha's face goes back in confusion, "Steve, what now?"
"You know how it could be." She says to Anthony in a whisper, her eyes still on Steve who's staring off in the distance.
Anthony chokes and turns to Steve, "Winter Soldier?"
Natasha and Clint and a man she doesn't recognize seem to be losing their minds.
"Ohhh shiiiiiitt…." Anthony breathes out slowly.
Steve can't seem to respond. But she can hear his heart pounding.
"Agent Carter?" She turns to Natasha, a woman who looks at her warily, which is quite the opposite of her Natasha at home.
"Yes, Agent Romanov?"
"How did you get here?"
She blinks at Steve and Anthony. Anthony's face is a grimace. So maybe they hadn't been specific. "Like they did," she gestures to the two, "I assume they explained some of it?"
"You need to go—" Anthony says, "the time slippage—"
Peggy's brow furrows, "the what?"
"It's six months in the future." Anthony says, "when we got back it was six months later. We lost months of time."
Her chest constricts, "what? No—"
"Yes." Anthony says, "we don't know why."
"Steve?"
She steps forward, and she can feel the way the air tenses as she gets extremely into his bubble. The other people in the room going rigid as if approaching Steve is a strange phenomenon. Which makes her heart ache. She reaches out, but suddenly feels like touching him would be betraying her Steve. The roll of her nerves in her stomach makes her retract her hand, and it seems it's this that draws Steve from his mind. His eyes trail the way she pulls away. "He's there?" His voice is a rasp, "with you?"
Her voice is a whisper, "yes. He's in the tower."
"He's old? Alive?"
It's like he doesn't want to accept what he already knows.
"No. He's not old. And yes, he's alive."
His eyes flick up to her face, "he's like Bucky?"
"He seems to have received some strange form of the serum after they captured him in the suit. Although he's remained his original size. He refers to himself as the pilot."
Steve sucks in a sharp breath, "how much damage has he done?"
And that question pierces her heart. Of course Steve is worried about what he's done.
"Nothing." He looks at her sharply, "that we can find." She corrects. "The Hydra Stomper has been adjusted and modernized, but as far as we can find… There's no reports of Hydra using it for any mission we can find details about. But we're still checking."
Then a sharp question makes her heart pound. "Does he know who you are?"
She's silent and she can feel the way the group is watching her. Finally she's able to speak, "we believe he does. Yes. He thought Anthony was Howard."
"Was he violent?" Steve studies her, "did he try to fight you?"
She lets out a laugh that sounds brittle, "no, other than his many, many escape attempts before he accepted we weren't Hydra or trying to hold him prisoner."
The confusion crosses their faces.
"So, it was Hydra?" Steve asks.
"Yes," She winces, "they branded you—" she sighs, "I mean, him."
Anthony leans forward, "excuse me, branded?"
She nods, "yes, it's a rather large mark on the soft flesh of his thigh."
The group looks horrified, Steve just looks confused.
His brow furrows, "He can scar?"
Her teeth pull at her bottom lip, "yes, you've… he's got quite extensive scarring."
"You said there's no reports of the stomper in attacks. Bucky's been in reports for 50 years. But if I'm— he's scarred up, how's that possible?"
Her throat is dry as she stares at the way Natasha is grimacing, like she understands before he does. "Seems you never allowed them to learn how to pilot it. Which is why they gave you Barnes' treatment… Brainwashed and identity mostly erased. But still you didn't run missions for them. And they punished you."
Steve looks annoyed, as if he could care less that he was tortured, "Okay, but then why did they keep him alive then?"
"I believe that they couldn't find someone else to pilot it. That they deemed the Stomper too valuable to waste, thus they tried to make you behave for decades."
Clint snorts, "yeah, Like Steve ever misbehaves."
She can tell it's not a joke. He is teasing but the statement is said so clearly as if Steve never steps out of line. Which she knows is monumentally untrue. At least… for her Steve. She studies him, how much stiffer he seems, rigid. Which could be attributed to the circumstance, but she sees what he meant when he first dropped into her universe. They're more of a team than a family. He's still not open with them.
"Pardon my correction," She decides to say, "But Steve Rogers misbehaves frequently. Starting off his military career by committing multiple felonies is not exactly model behavior."
Steve frowns at her but the rest chuckle, "I guess that's true," Anthony says with a grin, "you holding out on us, old man?"
And at that, Steve's frown grows a bit more rigid. And oh she does not like that. "Mind your tongue, Anthony Stark. We may not be as familiar in this universe but I can still teach you a lesson, I'll bet. And if Steve's old then so am I. Would you care to wrestle and see who shows their age?" She smirks at their wide eyes, "biologically in age, of course." She points to Steve, "if we're speaking of years lived, then we're the youngest in the bunch, right Steven?"
And maybe it's the use of his full name, but his eyes soften and he lets out a soft laugh, "yeah, I guess so."
"Damn." Natasha says, "I never got to work with you much, you'd already retired mostly, but damn. How I wish I could have taken lessons from you!" She's smiling, "you're incredible."
Peggy laughs, "I don't think my counterpart and I have lived the exact same lives."
Natasha's eyebrows tilt, "you haven't?" She turns to Steve, "did she go in the ice too?"
That makes Peggy huff, "What the hell have you told them, Steve?"
Anthony looks up at the ceiling, his hands wringing awkwardly.
And Steve's face is full of anguish, "not much."
"And why in heavens not?"
His eyes go far away, "are you planning on staying? Could I leave?" He shakes his head, "I told them what was necessary to know." And that statement feels like a blanket statement to his whole life. Only telling anyone what they need to know. Never letting anyone in. So different from her sweet Steve back in the 40's. But the broken man back in her universe now is keeping her at arm's length as well.
Loss.
Loss is what creates a Steve Rogers who hides behind barriers. And Steve is clearly aware that her gain is his loss. She clears her throat about to speak when he steps towards the tesseract, "You need to go back, I don't want you losing too much time."
The abrupt words make her chest ache with sadness for him and distress for them both. He's pushing her away.
"In case you've forgotten—" she says clearly, her voice leaving no room for argument, "I'm the one who came to you not the other way around." She raises an eyebrow at him, "you haven't even asked why I'm here."
He slowly straightens, not looking apologetic, but more resigned, "Why did you come here, Carter?"
The use of her last name is probably the iciest thing she's ever heard. But she doesn't react to it, although she can see Anthony watching them with wide eyes. "I came because I thought you might have some information I could use."
"Like?"
"Any information on Hydra's infiltration of your Shield—" she almost stops there, although that's not the reason she came here at all. In fact she's lying on the spot to come up with a reason for why she came, other than to warn him that he'd been captured and tortured and brainwashed in her universe. She'd wanted to warn him, but now that she had… it just seems cruel. Like she'd come here to tell him to stay away. That she had her Steve and he was no longer needed.
And that's what his face is telegraphing.
So her mind scrambles for an adequate reason. "I wanted to speak to you…" she glances at the eyes watching them, "in private."
Unlike in her universe, where they may have fought to stay in the room, these other four slip away soundlessly, leaving the door swinging closed with a woosh.
"The lab is not private." Steve says quietly, "Tony has cameras and audio in here."
"Well, I assume you have a Jarvis?"
"Yes."
"Can't you ask him to turn a blind eye?"
"Let's just go to my room." Steve says with a wry huff.
"Oh—" she starts, suddenly not wanting to be gone away too long. If she was going to lose time, she wanted to make this trip quickly. She did have someone to get back to.
And it's as if that whole train of thought must run across her face because Steve immediately nods and looks at the Tesseract, "of course. What was it you wanted to know?"
She watches as he folds in on himself, stiffening, going flat. Every emotion shuttering behind the Captain. Pulled tightly behind the curtain to hide what Steve is actually feeling. What she was feeling a few weeks ago. A person defined by the loss of a true love. Alone. At first meeting they were both that person. Now their status quo has changed. And they are both painfully aware.
"I'm sorry."
The words make him look at her, "for what?"
But how does she explain that she's sorry that she gets what she wants, and he doesn't? That she'd give anything for him to have his Peggy back but that she's desperately happy she has her Steve even if he's never quite the same?
He must understand though because he gives her a brittle smile that's so forced it almost cracks, "I'm happy for you. I hope he treats you like you deserve."
"Steve—"
"What was the information?" He asks, cutting her off, stepping a step back, "what can I help you with?"
And there it was. Steve's character in a nutshell. Ignore his own needs and help others.
And she finds she can't lie.
"Nothing." She admits, "I just wanted to see you. I needed to tell you. I didn't want you—"
And this time he guesses wrong, "to come visit anymore."
"No!" She says quickly, "no, that's not it at all. I just…" she takes a deep breath, "I didn't want you to be surprised if you did come visit again."
How inadequate that reason seems now even if it is the truth.
"Right…" he says quietly, "well, thanks for letting me know. You should get back. I don't want you to lose time."
"Steve, I—"
He looks at her, there's a special sort of jealous anguish in his eyes. Somehow he is happy for her. But he's devastated all the same. "It's fine." He responds, his voice a bit raspy, "At least we know there's one universe where we end up together."
Her throat is burning and her eyes are too, "Steve—"
"He probably was wishing for you." He says, now stepping further back and gesturing towards the Tesseract like he's directing her to it, "He wished for you and you came." He lets out a very brittle chuckle, "maybe I'm just not wishing hard enough."
"That's not it." She responds, feeling like someone is clutching at her lungs, "it's different." She looks at the tesseract, "our universes aren't parallel. There's—"
"No Peggy for me." He says, his voice sad, "I know, I understand."
"No, Steve, listen, there's some—" but her throat cuts off. What a hollow sentiment. There's someone else? Who? Someone else for Steve? Never. Just like there would never have been someone else for her. And here in this universe Peggy was in her 90's forgetful. She'd lived her own life.
Which, now that she thinks about it, fills her with rage. How could she have just abandoned Steve? Left him in the ice? Had she even tried to find him?
"Did she even try to find you here?"
The question throws him off guard, "yeah." He whispers out, "they did. Howard sent a search party every year when the weather was at its warmest. Even after Peggy here told him to stop."
Her eyes grow wide, "Your Peggy told him to stop?"
His face is pinched, looking at the far wall, "they just thought they were searching for a body. Each year they didn't come back with one… got harder on her I guess."
Her teeth clench, "harder on her." She glares at him, "and when you spoke to her what did she have to say for herself?"
"I didn't bring it up at all." He shakes his head, "She's in her 90's." Her anger must read because he huffs, "What, you expected me to be upset at her? I'm glad she moved on and lived a life. She couldn't have possibly known I'd still be alive."
How devastated her older self must have been when he was found and still alive.
The rage goes out of her and she sags a bit, "I'll bet she was never as happy as she would have been with you."
He frowns, "I hope that's not true." His head shakes slowly, "no, I don't wish that at all."
"That's because you're too bloody good for this world."
He snorts and huffs, "a lot of good it does me."
And the words surprise both of them.
He looks up and his eyes are wide, as if he can't believe he just said that.
"I didn't—" he winces, "it's been a long day."
"Damn Fucking Tesseract?" She offers, repeating his words.
Steve huffs out a laugh, "yeah." Then his face grows serious, "you know I didn't mean that right? I'd never choose to ignore what needs to be done just to be happier. I shouldn't have said that." He looks at her like he's apologizing for running over her pet, "I let my emotions speak." He shakes his head, "I shouldn't have said that."
She reaches out and rests a hand on his cheek, somehow still thrown off by how their heights are practically the same, "Steve." She whispers, making him go quiet and still, his skin warm under her touch, "I've never doubted who you are for a second. Here or back home. And how I wish I could turn back time and make sure you're found earlier, or perhaps drag a younger version of me from the past for you here… But I can't. I don't have any sentiment to offer that will make this situation hurt less. But know that I will think of you often. I will wish for some strange planetary alignment so that you are allowed to be happy. I don't know what that means. But I will wish for it."
His face is sad, but his words are soft, "thank you. I hope he'll be everything you wished him to be."
Her smile is soft as she brushes her thumb along his cheek, making him look at her even sadder, "you already are everything to me. Here or there. Steve Rogers is who I love. Never forget that. You are loved by Peggy Carter. Don't ever doubt that."
His eyes close and he nods. She pulls him forward and kisses him softly on the cheek, before stepping back and studying him, "Goodbye, Steve. I'll see you in another universe. Meet me there?"
His throat is tight and he swallows thickly before nodding, "it's a date."
She reaches into the container and grasps the tesseract, wishing and willing herself back to her own home and to the same time.
As the light grows too hot and too bright, the only thing she can still see is sad blue eyes.
—-
Steve stands there and watches as the Tesseract clunks to the ground.
He should pick it up.
He should put it back where it belongs.
But he hates it. So he turns and leaves instead.
—-
"It's a date."
Tony grimaces at the total flat anguish in those words. They'd immediately pulled up the lab footage the moment they left.
Clint and Natasha are watching over his shoulder. Bruce is mesmerized by the screen too.
"What the hell." Clint breathes out, "I mean I knew they had history from the plane audio, but I didn't know it was…"
Tony grimaces, "it's bad. You should have seen them when we visited. They're so…" he makes a face, "made for each other, and now…"
Natasha's voice is sharp, "she has her Steve back. And he's alone."
"He's not alone." Bruce says through a tight jaw, "he has us."
But they watch as Steve watches her disappear. And how he stares at the Tesseract as if he could make it disappear with just the intensity of his glare. Then he's leaving it on the ground and his shoulders are tense and sad as he exits the lab.
"I'm not sure he sees it that way." Tony says.
—
Her boots thump to the ground and she steadies herself. The room is the same as she left it.
"Jarvis?"
Yes, Captain Carter?
"How long was I gone?"
You've only been absent from the room for less than a millisecond.
Her brow furrows at that. She was there for at least 10 minutes… But she doesn't question it. Maybe that's how it had been for Steve the first time. "Where is Steve?"
There is a pause, and it makes her look up to the ceiling. Mr. Rogers is in his room.
She blinks, "doing what?"
He seems to be struggling with the facilities.
The tone he uses makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up, "what do you mean struggling?"
Perhaps Mr. Rogers would prefer a different method of hygiene?
Those words make her bolt out of the lab.
—-
She knocks at his door and speaks, "Are you alright in there?"
It only takes a few seconds but the door opens. And her eyes go wide as Steve stands there, completely naked, covered in grime from his last escape. She turns around and closes her eyes for good measure, "what happened?" Her breath in a rasp.
His voice sounds on edge, "the pilot is unable to utilize certain hygiene methods."
She shakes her head, those words confusing her, "what?"
"Supervision is required for all hygienic activities."
And something about that makes her fists clench. "Why?"
"The pilot cannot drink water without permission."
Her teeth clench at the implication. "Is that all?"
"Supervision is required in case of outburst."
She turns slowly, keeping her eyes on his face, "what type of outburst?"
His eyes glaze, "the pilot is not allowed to slam his own head against the tile."
Her lips purse and she has to resist the urge to cry out in rage at what may have caused him to try that method of escape. "And the pilot tried this on more than one occasion?"
"Twice. Both unsuccessful."
She can see he's set back in his mind. Like the programming is tightly wound around him. Something about the shower set him off.
And it's so far from intimate that she feels no shame in asking, "would you allow me to be your 'supervisor'?"
Steve's shoulders shrug, then he turns and walks towards the bathroom. And her eyes follow his back, covered in long stripes. She wonders if the whipping happened before or after he'd tried to 'get rid of the pilot'.
She follows him into the bathroom. It's a large space, a tub on one end and a shower on the other. She sees his eyes flick to the tub but then stare at the shower. "Temperature regulated by supervision."
Oh…. She grits her teeth. Of course it was.
"What do you prefer?" She asks, "a shower or a bath?"
"The pilot has no preferences."
And that's when she can't take it anymore. She turns, finding herself in front of him and resting her hand over his chest, the warmth of his skin fluttering beneath hers. "The pilot may not have been allowed to have preferences. But Steve Rogers is. And I, as Supervisor, want you to choose what you prefer?" His eyes are staring at her hand on his chest, she can hear his pulse rising. And she thinks he may try to protest again. "I order you to choose what you want."
"Bath." Comes his quiet response.
She smiles, "Excellent. A bath then."
She strides over to the tub and runs the water at a slightly warm temperature. Nothing too hot. Unsure of the sensitivity of his skin.
She adds a few of whatever Anthony has stocked in the cabinet. And soon the room is steamed and smells probably too feminine for a man's preference but Steve doesn't seem to care.
When he doesn't move to get in, she sighs, "you can get in the bath now."
He nods and steps forward, gently stepping into it and then sitting down. The effect is immediate, his head droops forward and he steadies himself with his hands. She relaxes a bit now that his body is mostly hidden under the suds and water.
"Is the temperature alright?"
"Affirmative." Comes a quiet voice.
She kneels beside the tub and hands a wash cloth to him. He accepts it and starts to scrub his skin harshly, scraping it and making her suck in a sharp breath. Without thought her hand reaches out and rests on his, "what are you doing?"
His voice is strangely separate, "getting the pilot clean."
And she wonders if they scrubbed him so harshly. Was everything with Hydra harsh? She wants to laugh at herself mirthlessly, of fucking course it was. No organization that branded a man would show kindness.
"Can—" she feels her throat get tight, "Would you be willing for me to show you a gentler way to get yourself clean?"
He just looks at her, confusion clear. But she carefully extracts the washcloth from his fingers. She grabs a bottle of soap that rests on the edge and squeezes out a bit of the liquid, sudsing it up. She clears her throat as his eyes watch her hesitantly. Softly she places the washcloth to his shoulder and starts to work the grime off, rubbing in soft circles and rinsing as needed.
Maybe she expects him to stiffen, but he doesn't. Instead practically melting under her ministrations. He pulls his knees up, resting his forehead against them as she gently works across his shoulders and down his back.
She's shown him, she could let it go. Hand him back the wash cloth. But the radiating aching desire to care for him won't let her. "Wait one second." She says softly. She steps out and runs across the hall, entering her room and throwing on a soft pair of shorts instead of her long pants. She ties up her curls into a ponytail and runs back across the hall.
Steve hasn't moved an inch.
"Tell me," she asks softly, "promise you'll tell me if at any point you want to stop?"
He doesn't respond, forehead still against his knees. She reaches down, and lifts his chin up, "Steve?" He blinks at her, "if at any point, you want me to stop. You must do so. Understand?"
His jaw moves in her hand as he nods. She smiles, "okay."
The tub has a large tiled rim, and she sits at the back of it, her spine against the wall. She's facing Steve's back and gently she uses her strength to pull him so he's at the back of the tub against her bare legs. She reaches for the shampoo bottle and pours some in her hand. She lathers it and gently starts to work it into his hair, against his scalp. His head tips back, eyes closed as she works, a completely relaxed expression on his face.
Her throat tightens, burning with emotion that he's trusting her. She lathers it in perhaps a bit longer than necessary. But his soft hair and even softer breathing won't let her stop. She grabs a plastic cap off one of the bottles and slowly begins the process of filling it up and pouring it over his head slowly, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair and avoiding his eyes.
Then, bolder than she ever imagined herself to be, she pulls at his shoulders until he rests his back against the tub, her legs on either side of him, their skin touching. Peggy adds more soap to the wash cloth, beginning her soft circles across his collarbones and then down his chest. She studies every scar, wondering how he received it. The ruminations make her sad and angry and even more gentle.
The water is dirty, and she knows she needs to refresh it.
"Steve? I'm going to empty the tub and refill it. Is that okay?"
His nod is barely perceptible. But it's there. He seems so quiet and relaxed.
Thankfully it drains quickly, and he doesn't so much as shiver as the cold air must hit his skin. She rinses it really quickly to make sure it doesn't just refill up with dirt and then she starts the water. Adding suds and scents again.
Instead of sitting behind him this time, she kneels beside the tub, glad there's room on both sides for her to do so. Careful of both his dignity and the growing warmth in her cheeks, she scrubs his thigh and calf. When she gently scrubs the bottom of his foot, he goes rigid and she freezes, worried that somehow she had hurt him. "Steve?" She asks, "did I hurt you?"
"No." He whispers.
She looks down to the placement of the washcloth and something so heartbreakingly adorable strikes her. He's ticklish.
She sets his foot down, and he relaxes slightly. She gets up and goes to the other side, and this time she ignores the bottom of his foot. It was in a shoe, and he can clean it the next time. This makes him relax fully again. And then a terrible thought enters her mind, had he been punished for being ticklish?
She ponders the thought as she works her way up his calf and to his thigh. When she reaches the brand, she can't help herself. Her fingers ghost over the gnarled skin and she sighs, picking up the wash cloth and finishing. She has to remind herself that they're both adults and that this is not a normal circumstance as she hands him back the washcloth, "would you prefer to wash your private areas yourself while I get you some fresh clothes?"
He seems unbothered by the offer, which she can't decide if that makes her unbearably sad or relieved that he wasn't embarrassed. He takes the cloth from her and she walks out the door into the room.
There are clothes waiting for him on the bed.
Jarvis' voices makes her jump and she places a hand over her heart, "oh." She breathes out and then back in, "thank you…" Then she grimaces, "who dropped them off?"
Mr. Stark. He told me not to bother you two.
She winces. Great.
Peggy grabs the clothes and steps back into the bathroom. Steve is standing there, looking in the mirror.
And she wonders when the last time he was allowed to do that was.
She snags a towel off the hook and hands it to him. "Get dry, and here are your clothes."
She sets them on the sink counter and he begins to dry off.
As she starts to leave again, she pauses looking back, he's still staring in the mirror, like he can't quite believe what he's seeing.
—
She decides to head to the common room. Anthony is there and so is Natasha and Clint. They all stare at her and she stares back.
Her eyes find Anthony's. And he doesn't seem to be in a teasing mood. But the question is there.
"Steve, as the pilot, was not allowed to bathe without supervision for two reasons. One, to limit the amount of water he was given, and two because he attempted to end his own life in the bathroom. Therefore, once you left him to get cleaned up, he couldn't. I was present to help him. It was not sexual in anyway and any sort of joke of that nature will be regarded with a swift punch to the jaw."
Natasha and Clint are staring at her with wide eyes, meaning Anthony hadn't shared.
Anthony sort of looks offended, "I wouldn't have." He clears his throat, "actually he'd told me the same thing. I'd left to get clothes and come back to be that 'supervisor' or whatever. But you were already there. So I left."
Her mouth parts in surprise and she suddenly feels very sheepish. "Oh."
But he doesn't tease her about that either, "how'd he do?"
She sinks to a stool at the counter and sighs, "I had to stop him from basically scrubbing his own skin off. But he was definitely pliant when I helped to clean him." Again no snickers or teasing, just sad expressions, "he didn't even react to the fact that he was naked in front of me. Maybe he doesn't know who I am."
"No," Anthony says, "I don't think it's that. The minute I took him into the bathroom I could sense a switch. He's more programmed in the bathroom. It was like the Pilot took over. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it."
"Shame once beaten out of the body takes a while to come back." She looks up at Natasha whose words spoke volumes.
"Okay," she whispers back, "I hope so."
—-
The tower gets blown to hell by Ultron and Tony moves them upstate.
But the vision that Wanda gave him haunts him. Day in, day out.
Tony talked about "isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "Why We Fight"? So we can end the fight? So we get to go home?"
We can go home. Imagine it.
No one gets it.
He can't go home. There is no home for him. Not the Tower. Not D.C. Not Brooklyn. Not the compound even though he'd told Tony that that was home for him.
He wakes from sleep, dreaming of her spinning into his arms in that blue dress. That flower. Her hair.
His perfect memory creates the scene over and over. Even fills in the details he remembers from the 40's. The way her perfume smelled and how it would linger on his dress uniform. The exact shade of her lipstick that would match her nails. The pins in her hair and how the light would glint off them.
His chest aches.
Loneliness crushing him.
He's a mess. Bucky refuses to be found. And while Sam is helpful, it's… it's not the same.
Knowing that she can't ever be his. He can't ever be hers.
—-
It takes months. Agonizing months of consistency. They root out Hydra, Alexander Pierce takes a bullet to the throat from Natasha and Peggy takes a cold dip in the Potomac when she can't manage to get off the Insight Carriers in time. But She hadn't had to fight a brainwashed soldier. She counts herself lucky.
Until she finds the files.
After the uprooting of Hydra they'd figured out a way to separate the files from Shields and Anthony had collected all of Hydra's to go through them.
Steve was sitting quietly on the balcony. Something he did often. He was very prone to quietness. It didn't bother her, except when she felt like he was holding back. But there was no rushing this process.
He'd learned their names, and usually called them by it. He had accepted that his name was Steve. But he would still take a few seconds to respond, as if he wasn't sure if you were calling to him. Like he hadn't heard his name right away.
But if the word Pilot was said his head would perk up.
And that makes her want to scream.
But she doesn't.
Every once and awhile he'll say something with his old Brooklyn intonation and she has to keep herself from breaking down and crying with relief.
But now she looks at the files.
The files of why the Stomper had been being shipped to the US in the first place.
How they'd figured out a new machine to scramble and erase his brain. (Found in a bank vault in DC. She'd torn that place down with her bare hands. Anthony had skittered around her in fear for a week after) How they were planning to make him a permanent resident on the insight carriers. Their own personal attack dog in the sky.
That's why the suit had been modernized.
And all of that is bad.
But it hadn't happened yet.
It's the files on what was done.
Halfway through the first one she tosses it harshly. It slides across the table and the pages spread, some splattering to the floor.
She feels eyes on her. She looks to see Steve has turned, staring at her with a confused look. He's not aware of the files. They'd told him Hydra was being eradicated. To which he had shrugged. As if he wasn't sure what that even meant..
Now a pane of glass sits between them. But she can't stand it.
She walks out the door and stares at him, "Please allow me to hug you."
He looks around, as if she couldn't possibly be talking to him.
And she crouches, the balls of her feet carrying all her weight as the wind blows across the balcony. Her elbows dig into her knees and her eyes dig into the palms of her hands.
Soft footsteps approach her and a hand rests on her shoulder, patting it before it draws back, "what happened?"
She looks up, "I've been reading some files on something horrible that happened to a friend."
He nods, "anything I can do to help?"
Her eyes close and she feels guilty for asking again, but she needs the reassurance, "please let me hug you."
He looks uncertain, but he clears his throat and says, "okay."
She pushes up, straightening and wrapping her arms around him. She holds tightly, feeling his beating heart and the way his breath moves in and out. He's here and safe.
She doesn't let go, and eventually his hesitant arms come around her, and it makes her want to sob. He smells like she remembers. Anthony had done some digging when she'd mentioned that he needed more soap. Howard had apparently stocked Barnes' and his apartment at one point when they were moving places. So Anthony had discovered both men's preferred brands. Thankfully they were both still in distribution, just harder to get. But thankfully Anthony appreciated a good challenge. And now one cabinet was completely filled with soap and shave bars waiting for use.
Steve was past needing a supervisor in the bathroom, thankfully. Clint and Anthony had willingly taken on that role for the period of time he had needed it. Once Steve had accepted that he didn't need a supervisor, it was a funny turn of events because Clint and Anthony got anxious about not being there. Worried he may actually need them.
He didn't.
But it was heartwarming to see anyway.
Now he stands there, hugging her back, not knowing the reason.
"Steve?"
A pause, "yes?"
She releases him, stepping back, "are you happy?"
He looks at her like the question confuses him, "happy… as in?"
The fact that he needs clarification rips at her heart, "are you… happy here in the tower? Would you like to live somewhere else?"
His face pulls down, "did you want me to leave?"
"No!" She practically shouts, "no, I don't ever want you to leave. I just… I worry that you're only here because you have no other place to go."
He studies her, "I think that's true." She winces but he's still speaking, "by what you've told me I technically don't have anywhere else to go. Right?"
Peggy sighs, "true. But if you wanted somewhere else… I'm sure we could figure something out. I just…"
Just want him to remember everything.
Want him to make his own choices.
Want him to want her on his own.
"Just care for you."
His nod is slow, "thank you. I care for you too." It's said slightly stilted. Like it's new words he's learning. But he says it.
—
She eventually finds the will to work through all of his files. Natasha or Clint or Anthony help her as she reads, watches, and learns a lot of what Steve wa spit through. There's gaps. Gaps in time of their records and that scares her, the not knowing. But the knowing is equally bad.
Knowing that they'd almost killed him multiple times before figuring out the serum. The pictures of his starving body.
She finds a picture of the picture.
Someone had snapped a picture of the picture that Steve had kept in the Stomper. A photo of her in her uniform, shield at the ready. Her hand shad been shaking as she read the report
Prisoner punished for hoarding personal item. Item recorded and burned in front of prisoner.
Back when he was still 'prisoner'. Not the pilot. Which means back when he was fully mentally present.
She learns the origin of almost every mark on his body. She learns the whippings were from when he would fail a Hydra Mission.
She's not sure how a body could endure that much torture in such a small amount of time and not break. But then it's the hibernations and the transfers and the amount of time he was kept on ice in that machine.
And she thinks about that when she wakes in the middle of the night.
Once she'd walked to his room, sitting outside his door, wondering if she could hear his heartbeat from this far.
But apparently she hadn't been quiet because the door had opened and he'd looked at her, "what's wrong?"
"I wanted to make sure you're okay."
He'd looked around as if a threat might appear, "what happened?"
"Nothing." She'd whispered, not wanting to admit her nightmares and how they'd been filled with his face. Tortured and alone. "Just missed you."
His head had tilted in confusion, "but I'm right here."
Her lips had pursed and she'd nodded, "I know. I'm sorry for bothering you."
They've told him about the video files on himself. Anthony told her he's offered for Steve to watch them multiple times, but Steve hasn't taken him up on the offer.
And the day they offered for him to go see Barnes… even though Peggy wasn't sure how she was going to manage that heartbreak on Barnes' face, but it hadn't mattered… Steve had adamantly refused.
When asked why he'd gone rigid, and then he'd basically fallen fully back into the 'pilot' programming for days.
So they hadn't asked since.
Peggy was torn. Barnes was running out of time. Would Steve regret not going to him if he ever came around fully? Or would he be glad not to put the aged man through the knowledge of where his best friend had been.
She's glad it's not her decision. She feels guilty about being glad.
—
It's little things. Day by day. Steve starts to reappear in his facial expressions. His movements. The way he talks about certain topics with a Brooklyn accent or the way he uses crisper words when talking with Jarvis.
He stops responding to the word pilot and he reacts almost instantly to Steve.
She watches as he gets more shy around people, reacting as Steve may have and not the flat and robotic pilot.
When Anthony takes him shopping, he comes back with clothes that are modernized versions of things he used to wear. It makes her cry the first time she sees him in a button down with high pleated pants. She hides her tears but Anthony sees. And he lets her know that Steve picked it out all by himself.
He gets a haircut and starts to shave. Although the scars on his face had made hair growth patchy and uneven. Now he keeps a smooth face.
They take walks about the city. And the team takes turns doing that. Each having a different experience or perspective. Steve is an avid listener.
Then one day she hands him a sketchbook and charcoals. And unlike usual, he doesn't ask 'what is it'? Or 'is this something I used to do'? He accepts it and a sense of relief crosses his face.
"Thank you." He had said quietly.
"You're welcome."
—
Steve holds his fingers tightly against his scalp. He's taking deep breaths and trying not to crack his skull.
Then he hears Wanda watching the Lagos news footage over and over and over and he stands. She's blaming herself. As if the bomb would have done less damage in that market if she hadn't thrown it. He'd probably be dead.
Rumlow mentioned Bucky.
Bucky.
Steve grits his teeth. His best friend had remembered him. Then he'd been scrambled again. Now he's in hiding. Refusing, refusing, refusing to be found. He and Sam have stopped searching. Not because they want to. But because Bucky must have figured out how they were trailing him and stopped leaving a trail at all.
He hears her change the channel listening to another news report and he sighs, walking towards her door.
—
Mr. Rogers has left the tower.
She pops her head up, "what?"
You asked to be notified if he left the tower.
Anthony's looking at her, and she sighs, "yes."
He has exited the tower.
"Alone?"
Indeed.
"He's left the tower before."
She glares at Anthony. "Yes, but not alone."
"Maybe this will be good for him." Anthony tries to offer, "feeling that freedom?"
She glares at him again and stands, "we haven't gotten all the hydra heads. What if someone nabs him."
Anthony laughs, "we saw the fight tapes." He shakes his head, "I don't think Steve will go easily."
"That's not comforting." She grits out, "He was punished for fighting!"
"And he still fought every time. And he tried to escape here, like what a bajillion times before we convinced him he wasn't a prisoner?"
She takes a deep breath. Then she stands and heads towards the elevator. Anthony's laughter follows after her.
—
"You're not exactly subtle."
She winces, turning around to see Steve somehow having managed to slip behind her and catch her from behind.
People were staring at her.
She's too tall. Too prominent and well known.
"I wasn't going for subtlety."
"Good. Cuz you're bad at it. You always have been."
She blinks at him and he gives the smallest smirk. So small and yet it knocks the wind out of her. "You're… remembering more?"
He's nodding… "Yeah… have been for a while. Wasn't sure what was real. Wanted to wait it out. Now they're sorting."
"Sorting?"
He starts walking, his shorter stride easier to keep up with.
"They screwed with a lot. So when I started to really remember… I wasn't sure if it was backlogged memories they'd erased or screwed with. So… now I'm figuring it out." Even just that sentence sounds more like Steve than anything else he's said since he'd returned. He really must have been holding himself back, making sure this was real.
Her voice is hoarse, "what are you figuring out?"
"I'm remembering," His eyes flick up to her before going back to the sidewalk in front of him, "and testing out the fact that you're way over protective."
Her breath huffs out, "I can admit to that." His face gains an amused quality at her admittance. "For good reason."
His eyes flick again, and there's a wariness there, "good reason?"
And maybe it's too soon. But he's been back for almost 6 months and she hasn't said it since they were fighting on the ground. "Because of everything you went through. Because even though you're enhanced now I have a hard time accepting it. Because… I love you."
At this his face gets somber, "still?"
She turns and gently grabs his arm, pulling him off to the side. People are still staring and damn why does this stuff always happen in public. "What do you mean still?"
His face gets rueful, "no one wants someone broken." And suddenly it's Steve again. He seems there, fully aware of who he is, what he looks like, and what he went through.
She feels anger rise up and she glares at him, "oh, and you're the decider of what's broken?"
He laughs, one of the few she's heard in the past half year. "I think I qualify spectacularly."
She steps forward, crowding him, and she can feel eyes but she doesn't care, his eyes are wide as he stares up at her. But she doesn't relent, she raises her knuckles and she raps twice on his sternum, "love you." And then she glares at him, "and don't you dare forget that."
His throat is tight but he's looking at her with the softest eyes, "I don't think I ever did. Not really."
And then she's kissing him. In public, holding this man who seems half her size and trying not to crush him. And she has to remind herself that he's not exactly crushable anymore. But he doesn't complain, his hands finding her neck and holding her face like it's something precious.
She hears whoops and hollers and that's her first cue that they should stop.
But Steve's heart is practically pounding out of his chest and she loves the sound.
—
They hit the tabloids the next day. Blurry cellphone screen captures.
Captain Carter with a mystery man!
She looks up from where Anthony has thrown the paper into her line of sight on the table. A pixelated photo of her kissing Steve and him kissing her back.
"You were just going to keep this little development to yourself?"
She huffs, "It wasn't a development more than it was a spontaneous loss of sanity." Peggy rubs at her eyes, "I couldn't help myself."
"Ah," he teases, "so your were the initiator."
"Of course I was." She snaps, but he's looking at her like he's practically giddy with happiness for her, so she's not too angry. "He's been holding out on us."
His brow furrows, "In what way?"
"He's been remembering and figuring out things on his own for longer than we thought. But there was fear of it disappearing or he was worried it was still incorrect, so he was biding his time." She points to the conference room, "apparently he's been accessing his own files too. I had Jarvis confirm."
"That little sneak." Anthony jests.
Peggy huffs out a laugh and leans back in her chair, "indeed. But now…" she looks up, and she feels that same overwhelming sense of happiness fill her, "he's back. He's come back to me."
"Technically, you both came back for each other."
She laughs, "yes, but I wasn't brainwashed. I wasn't sure…" She sighs, admitting her worst fear, "I wasn't sure which version of Steve was left."
Anthony's grin is genuine, "And the version you have? Are you happy with him?"
Her hand ghosts over the tabloid photos, "I thought I'd earned my happy ending. I just didn't think I'd get it."
"I can't tell you how glad I am that you did. Fury's going to lose it." Then he looks around, "speaking of the pda king and queen, where's Mr. PDA?"
"He's sketching, I think, in his room."
"You going to make his return public, right?"
There's the question she's been ruminating all day. "I want to. I want him to be able to have his life back. And I know Shield can make that happen. But then…"
She cuts off and Anthony nods, "Uncle Bucky."
"Yes…"
"Have you asked him?"
"Last time he—"
"Went Hydra mode. I know. But that was months ago."
"I'll ask…" she says slowly, "I think Barnes… I think as hard as it will be for the both of them… They both will be glad in the end."
"I agree." Then he points to the picture, "And I'd say sooner rather than later. Anyone who grew up around Uncle Buck knows what Steve looks like. Especially when standing next to you. His family may have agreed to keep quiet back when he first escaped but this is public now—" he laughs, "flaunting even."
She stands, "you're right. We'll go today."
—
Steve's hands wring nervously and he steps back, "I don't know. He'll be so upset."
"Yes." She agrees, "he will. But I think he'll be more upset if he finds out you're avoiding him."
"He's going to blame himself—"
"He already does." Peggy says sadly, "you avoiding him isn't going to help that him what you really think."
"He couldn't have known—"
"I said tell him." She says softly, stepping up the last step and ringing the doorbell, "not me."
The door opens and she's not surprised to see the whole family. Barnes' kids who live in the area, and their kids, and their kids.
She reaches a hand back and holds it open, waiting for him to accept it.
His eyes are scanning the crowd and he swallows heavily before accepting her hand and being pulled into the house.
—-
"I'm Steve." The older gentleman, blue eyes just like Barnes' but a lighter brown like his mother's, his oldest son, says "It's so nice to finally meet you."
Steve ducks his head and nods, "It's nice to meet you too. I'm St…" His voice trails off and he looks around as if unsure how to even exist in a room full of people who know exactly who he is, but he's never met. She hears his heart rate and breathing elevate.
"We know." Comes a kind soft voice, "we've heard all about you." Peggy turns to see Barnes' daughter. She's getting up in years too and she stays seated in a large chair, "you're quite the legend around here." Then she points to the back hallway, "but you're not here for us. And he's waiting."
A younger man steps forward, A great nephew she thinks, "He's been told that you're coming to visit, and we tried to explain about Steve but…" he frowns, "it's not easy getting things to stick."
She nods, "of course." She tugs Steve's hand and she can feel the way he radiates anxiety, like he wants to rip his hand out of hers and run. But he doesn't.
They knock on the door and a deep voice says, "come in."
She pushes the door inward and the warm cozy room greets them.
Steve's hand is like wrought iron in her grasp. Their eyes find each other and she hears Barnes make a startled sound, "Steve?" He turns to Peggy, "is that Steve?"
She nods, "yes." Pulling the man forward, "It is, do you remember when I last came to visit? I told you I found the Hydra stomper?"
Barnes' eyes don't leave Steve's stricken face, "yes…"
"Well, you told me to find Steve. And I did."
Steve is frozen, looking at Barnes' old rugged face, "Buck?"
Barnes' eyes instantly moisten, "Steve? You're alive?"
Steve doesn't answer, eyes glazed as he stares at his best friend withered with age on a bed.
"Yes." She prods, "he is alive. He wanted to visit you."
Steve had taken a bit to convince. He was so worried about Barnes' reaction.
"Steve?" Barnes tries again, and there's a clarity in his eyes that Peggy hasn't seen, "Steve?"
"I'm here." Steve's voice says quietly.
"You're here?" Barnes sits up, looking at him, "how are you here? What happened?"
"Hydra had me." Steve whispers out, "they took me and the machine."
Barnes' face is horror stricken, "no…"
"But I'm free now." Steve says, stepping forward and slipping on to the side of the bed, "I'm here to see you."
Barnes' face is full of confusion and sadness, "Howard found you?"
Steve's nose twitches, "no, not Howard. But his son did help."
"Tony?"
"Uh-hmm." Steve bobs his head, "Tony. Heard you were a great Uncle to the kid."
Barnes seems torn, "where's the machine?"
"It's at the tower." Peggy interjects, "under lock and key."
"Who was in it?"
The question makes her pause, she can see the emotions overwhelming Barnes' mind.
"I was in it." Steve says softly, and surprises her by reaching out his hand and grasping Barnes' "It's good to see you again, Buck."
"You're the same." Barnes says suddenly, "what happened to your face? Why are you the same?"
It's the panic of an elderly person who just can't understand. It makes Peggy's heart feel like lead.
"Steve's been like me." She says simply, "lost in time a bit, hmm?" She sits on the other side of the bed and then reaches out, grasping Barnes' other hand, "He's been fighting a lot." She says it with a teasing tone, "you know our Steve, always fighting some bully."
Steve looks at her and smiles, rolling his eyes, but she smiles back then looks at Barnes, "but he's out of the fight now." Then she gets bold, "He's safe with me." She reaches out, knowing now that Barnes will know this motion.
She taps Steve on the chest twice. Steve's cheeks heat and he laughs, "yeah, yeah," he says with a huff, "I love you too."
Barnes watches the exchange and suddenly he's crying, his hands, though weakened with age, grab both of theirs firmly and he's shaking, "you're together? You found each other?"
And somehow that one question makes both of their throats tight and the emotion fills both their chests. Steve looks at her and his smile is so soft she hears her heart beat in tune with his, "yes," She squeezes Barnes' hand and then reaches, grasping one of Steve's, "we found each other."
—-
Steve leaves Wakanda knowing that they'll alert him when Bucky is freed from whatever mind control Hydra out there.
But who knew how long that would take?
He drops Sam and the others off at a safe house and he slips his way back to the compound to pick up the gear they couldn't get. He knows the security system inside and out and Friday is on his side. She'd never admit it to Tony. But he can tell.
Because instead of alerting the compound to his arrival, she just winks the lights at him.
He salutes back and rifles through their rooms and gathers the stuff they'd requested. They'd offered to come, but he knew he didn't care if he got arrested, he'd figure a way out. But he wanted Wanda and Sam far far away from the possibility of going back to the raft.
He's leaving out through the back section of buildings when a door catches his eye.
He knows what's in there.
He knows that Tony had requested Thor to bring it back to earth for just a tiny experiment before the world went to hell in a handbasket. Now it sits, waiting for Thor to reappear from wherever the hell he is.
A feeling so strong overwhelms him. Like a magnetic force he can't ignore.
Steve sets the items in the duffel bags to the side and he looks up at the camera.
"Friday?" He asks quietly, "please." The door clicks green and he sighs, "thank you."
He walks quietly, avoiding the few security guards making their rounds. Honestly…. He's pretty sure if he ran into them they'd let him go anyways, but he doesn't risk it.
He gets to the vault and he enters his code. It will either alert Tony to his presence or Friday will keep it quiet. Either way. Who cares? The pull is too strong to ignore.
And then he's there. Staring at it in its glass case.
And it would be so easy.
His throat runs dry at the thought. And a thought… more selfish than he's ever had in his entire life makes him step forward. A force so oppressive he has to touch it, to wish for it.
"Steven Rogers."
He startles, something he hasn't really done in a long time. But the thing in front of him has no heartbeat. No pulse.
He steps back in fear and looks at it.
"Steve Rogers, I am the Watcher."
The man, who floats in the air, the darkened room making him seem to glow.
"Uh—" he's fought aliens, he fought the Red Skull, but here he feels fear.
"You're being influenced. You must stop."
He looks around, "what?"
Then the force is back, crushing him, like if he doesn't get the tesseract he will be obliterated. And he wants it so badly. He wants her.
He steps forward only to come face to face with the star filled eyes. "You cannot understand the force that is being willed against you." His face frowns, "but you must resist."
Steve groans, feeling like he's being pulled in two, "What's happening?"
"A force is using your own desires against you."
Steve pants, his chest feeling like it's being stepped on, "I need to wish for her."
The Watcher's face morphs, something like pain, understanding, "not now."
Rage fills him, and he can sense what the Watcher's talking about, something is heightening everything, "yes, now!" He shouts, "I deserve my happy ending!"
The Watcher's face is solemn. "If you leave now this universe will be destroyed."
That makes him pause, the feeling abating for a mere moment. "What?"
"Someone or something knows that you are part of the equation to save the universe. If you leave now, this place will be destroyed with the upcoming threat."
He balks, "what upcoming threat?"
"I cannot reveal that. Only that you must stay. Without you, they will lose."
He frowns, "they'll be fine—" the feeling rears again, "I need to go to her."
The Watcher looks at him sadly, "to who?"
But the question sounds like he already knows the answer.
"To Peggy," he grits out, the force pushing his heart in his chest, "there has to be some universe where she's alone. Some universe I could stay. Be with her. Be home."
"This universe is your home—"
"No!" He shouts, gripping at his hair, "it's not!"
The Watcher looks about and his strange galaxy eyes stare at the tesseract, "you would let everyone in this universe suffer simply for your own happiness?"
The violent sickness that comes with that statement makes him positively ill. His knees crack against the ground and his breathing is rapidly reaching levels he hasn't experienced since having asthma.
"You must fight this, Steven Rogers." The Watcher says solemnly, "this force that works against you does not want your happiness. It only wants your universe' destruction." Then he sighs and Steve feels his heart beating faster, "but it is your choice. You are correct. There are universes out there where Peggy Carter lives alone. Where you could be together. But…" he pauses, "that would mean the destruction of this universe."
He gasps, anger and anguish tearing at him. "Just like the plane." He rasps out, "why is it always me or the world?"
The Watcher has a sad smile for him, "such is your lot, Steven Rogers." He points at the Tesseract, "you must decide."
Something fills him, visions of a life with Peggy. Wanda's visions and his own made up dreams. A drowning flood of possibilities.
And then he takes a deep breath. Bucky. Sam. Natasha. Clint. Wanda. Bruce. Thor… Even Tony. His team here. Some he even considers to be family now. Leaving them to die so he could be happy would mean he would never be at peace. Knowing what he'd done.
He grips the ground, fingers pressing into the concrete.
"I'll stay." He gasps out, "I'll stay."
The pressure immediately disappears. The weight leaving his chest.
"A difficult decision. But the right one." The being says ominously.
Steve doesn't feel relieved. Just full of grief.
The Watcher speaks, "Your scientist was right to be impressed with you." Steve's throat goes dry, scientist? Erskine? "And that force that just tried to overcome you is not to be reckoned with. But you are a good man, Steve Rogers. And this universe still needs you."
"Needs me." He sighs, sitting back on his heels, "to fight." A long pause, "Right?"
"You are correct." Steve looks up and the being looks like he's about to fade, to disappear, but he pauses. He studies Steve and then leans closer, "But not forever."
His brow furrows, "what's that supposed to mean?"
The Watcher glances around and then his empty shining eyes find him again, "one day, in fewer years than you expect, there will be an opportunity. A chance for what you wish to come true. Then. If you choose it then. You will not be stopped. You may rest."
He stands, "what does that mean? For what I wish? How? When?"
"I can speak no more." The being says, beginning to fade, "you will know."
And Steve stares at the Tesseract. And something like a tiny kernel of hope plants in his gut.
—-
She looks at the man who has drifted off to sleep beside her on the couch. The wedding band reflecting the glow of the TV.
Peggy runs her fingers through his hair, something that used to wake him now makes him sleep deeper.
Everything had taken a while. To get his paperwork figured out, to bring Shield and subsequently the world up to speed on what had happened to Steve. He hadn't liked the public knowing all that he'd endured, but it was necessary to some degree. Although thankfully not everything was revealed.
She was ever so grateful that Barnes was at the wedding. Sitting in a chair right behind Steve as his best man. She had Natasha as hers and the wedding was small and lovely.
They danced and it almost made her sad how smooth he was, years of training in Hydra and the Red Room had made him graceful. But she loved how he still fit in her arms.
Anthony had hoped with time and proper nutrition that the scars might fade. But they haven't yet. She barely notices them anymore.
He's beautiful.
And he thinks she's beautiful too.
—
"I think it should go to Sam."
Steve looks up, "what?"
Bucky is looking at him, his dark jacket from the funeral resting on the back of the chair. "You should give the shield to Sam."
Steve stiffens, "why would I be giving up the shield?"
Bucky shakes his head, "you better damn well give up that shield."
He bristles, "what!? Why!"
Bucky stares at him, "because you have to go."
His throat runs dry, "go where?" He rasps out.
Bucky sighs and looks out the cabin windows, "you know where."
THere's a long pause. But Steve doesn't pretend that he doesn't understand.
"No. I can't."
"You told me the whole story." Bucky urges, "this is it. Your chance."
"I can't leave now. The world is—"
"Saved." Bucky cuts him off. "The world is saved. Go live. Be free."
"Come with me."
Bucky looks up, startled, "what?"
"You can come too. We can go home! We can live when we were supposed to—"
"I appreciate it." Bucky says softly, "really. I do. But…" he shrugs, "I like now. I like the modern world and the technology and I—" he sighs, 'I'm not the same man who left the 40's. I did get to grow and modernize. Be it in spurts of being defrosted. But still. And there's nothing for me there—"
"I'd be there." Steve says sharply.
"Bucky laughs, "Steve. You just spent the last decade trying to save me! Now you get to save yourself. You accomplished your goal. I'm free of Hydra. My brain is mine again. Going back isn't the right thing for me to do. But it is the right thing for you to do."
"But…" Steve feels the draw, the desire to go. To Time travel. "I'd be leaving everyone behind."
Bucky holds up a hand, "first, Sam is going to be fine. That guy's like a cockroach. I'm telling you to go. Bruce is fine, Thor…" he winces, "Wanda and Thor do need some help, but that's… that's not something you can help with anymore than any of us."
"I can be here. I can be their friend, their support."
Bucky huffs and he shows a bit of anger, "and what do you get Steve? Huh? You stay and you're their friend. And what does your life look like, huh? You wait on the sidelines forever until someone needs you for a fight or a shoulder to cry on?" He shakes his head angrily, "you don't get it! I watched you and Peggy. You can't lie to me. She's your right partner. I know you thought Sharon might be a good replacement. But that's what she would have been. A replacement. Something you need because you can't have the original—" Steve winces, and Bucky sighs, "I know that sounds awful. I'm not trying to dehumanize her, I'm just saying. If she wasn't related to Peggy would you have even been interested?"
He does not like this line of questioning. Makes him feel gross, "I mean… She's nice. She's smart and strong—"
"Yeah, and so is Maria. And Natasha. And a hundred other girls you've had the opportunity to try something with." He points at Steve. "You're not getting the point. The point is, you want Peggy. You've always wanted Peggy. I've never seen you interested in another girl like her. And here you have the chance, sanctioned by whatever freak Watcher guy said, and you're going to turn it down because you think the weight of everyone else's mental and emotional sanity resides on your shoulders?"
Steve feels his throat tighten, "you don't think it's the wrong thing for me to do?"
Bucky looks at him seriously, "Not that it was ever in question, but you've earned your retirement. You've lived for so long for everyone else. You've given lifetimes to save the world. Now you have. Consider it saved. Hell, even Tony Stark told you to get a life, right? Can't argue with the dead."
Steve looks up, "Morgan. Pepper."
Bucky sighs, "you're going to stay because other people might need you?" He points to the cabin, "they have Happy and Rhodey and Peter and a thousand other people who love them and can help them." He stabs Steve in the chest. "For once in your damn life stop thinking about everyone else. Don't think of anyone but you." He stares Stvee dead in the eye, "What do you want?"
Steve feels the way his heart races, the vision Wanda gave him so long ago still fresh.
"I want to go home."
When he looks up, Bucky is smiling, "good. Then go home."
—-
Peggy is standing in the kitchen. Files strewn about the kitchen counter.
Steve walks in, wearing a shield issued jacket and his hair wet. "It's pouring out there."
"Hmm…" she responds, "you know DC gets more rain than Seattle."
He smiles, "you know I love the rain."
She steps over to him and brushes some water droplets away from his eyes, "you look ravishing when wet."
His cheeks heat but he just laughs, "don't get talking like that, I have a meeting with Fury soon."
She raises an eyebrow, "oh? And you think I can't make that time worth your while?"
Even sometimes, years down the road the strength he holds in his smaller stature surprises her. He grabs her waist, pulling her tightly to him and grabbing her wrists with his other hand, "don't start something you can't finish."
She laughs and quickly maneuvers out of his hands, instead grabbing his collar and dragging him towards their bedroom, "tell Fury you had a much more important engagement."
Steve's laughing as they make it to the room, and she's careful not to rip his jacket as she tears it off him. They've had to replace more than a fair share of items due to their strength and not being careful enough.
"I don't think Fury would be too happy about his employees fraternizing." Steve teases, pointing at her.
She kisses his neck and nips at his jaw, "then we better be quick so you're not late."
There's not too much talking after that. And only as he kisses her, getting to his feet and grabbing clothes to get dressed does she speak again, "Steve."
He looks up, his eyebrow raised in question. She studies his face, his scars, the way they trail his entire body. Her eyes land on the brand. Still as gruesome as the day she found it, but somehow they'd reclaimed it. That horrible mark meant nothing anymore. Held no power. She reaches out her hand and he doesn't hesitate grabbing hers back, "what is it?"
She pulls him closer, his naked form like a map she's read a thousand times, "I just…" she feels emotion catch in her throat and it doesn't matter that he's been hers for years now. Every day she wakes up to him is like a miracle, "I just wanted you to know that I wished for you. I wished for you every day. And I love you." She kisses his thigh, right over the brand, and then right over the biggest scar on his ribs, and then the burn on his collarbone, and then his lips. "You're mine. Don't you ever forget."
And Steve's looking at her like she's the moon and the stars and she knows he thinks exactly that. "All those years…" he says quietly, taking her hand and kissing her palm, "trapped in that machine…" he looks up and smiles at her, "I wished for you too."
—
Steve's gone to his appointment by the time she makes her way back out to the kitchen. She stretches and goes to grab a cup to fill with water when something catches her eye.
Peggy reaches onto the pile she'd unceremoniously abandoned when Steve had arrived, and her fingers ghost over a piece of paper that definitely had not been there before.
At first she thinks it's a note from Steve, as the handwriting is his. But as she reads it, her heart catches in her throat.
Dear Peggy,
I don't know when, or even if, this will reach you. Maybe the tesseract only delivers humans and not Thank You notes. And I had to wait a while before I could get access alone to the Tesseract without Howard over my shoulder. But I knew I had to try to send this note to you. Your wish came true. And so did mine. You wished I would find happiness. And I have. With you of course. It's a lot to explain over a tiny note. But just know our wishing must be the most powerful force in the universe. Somehow we both went from having nothing to having everything.
I have you. And you have me.
Don't ever doubt how much he loves you. I've got it on good authority that he loves you with his whole heart.
Love,
The Other Steve
P.S. I guess the Damn Fucking Tesseract isn't so bad after all.
—
*A/N- I don't know if anyone else out there watches things with Subtitles religiously like me, but when you watch A:AOU the scene where they're at the Barton Farm? Right after Thor takes flight back to Asgard, Steve turns around to walk back into the house.
Then Peggy's voice echoes: We Can Go Home.
And he *literally* can't step into the house. He leaves instead.
And I freaking hate Joss Whedon and his portrayals of Cap. What a little **** Whedon is. But THAT particular scene IS heartbreaking and the one I mention above? Where Tony says "so we get to go home!?" I WISH PEOPLE ADDRESSED THIS. At that point Steve LITERALLY couldn't do that. He had NO HOME.
UUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH… Anyways. Steggy Supremacy. :D
Hope you enjoyed!