Chapter 2: Forgiveness

Do you ever feel like you're doing something wrong? Or maybe like your whole life is wrong? That's how Mike felt every day. Every single day of his life, he felt like he was a mistake. A waste of space. A screw up.

He sat on his floor in the farthest corner from his door. His knees were up to his chest and his head was buried in his arms. There were no tears, but there were plenty of thoughts. His walkie talkie laid on the floor, an arm's reach away from him. He wanted to pick it up and call Will. He wanted to tell him everything. But something inside of him was stopping him from making that decision. It was that small voice in his head. You're fifteen, Michael. Fifteen. You don't need to pick up a stupid walkie talkie. But it was filled with so many memories, the good and the bad, mainly the good. He still remembered his first conversation with Will. It was one of his core memories.

You can't do this to yourself, Mike. You either need to talk to someone or pick up that walkie talkie, he thought. Mike had two voices in the back of his head. One was negative and the other was positive. It was like he had a shoulder angel, the angel on his right and the devil on his left. What are you going to do, Mike.

"Get out of my head.", he mumbled to himself.

I'm trying to help.

"How on earth are you helping?"

There was no answer from his "angel".

"Hello? I'm waiting."

Look, it began, I know you might not want to hear this, but I think you should go talk to your sister.

"Nancy? I should talk to Nancy? No way.", Mike lowered his voice now. He heard footsteps. "I'm not doing that."

Come on. It won't be that bad. Nancy gives some pretty good advice. Don't you think it's time you come out to her anyway?

Mike thought for a moment. His little voice was right. "Fine. I'll talk to Nancy."

He got up and walked out of his room, making his way down the hall. He approached his sister's door. Mike stood there for a moment. Knock, the voice said. He knocked.

"Nancy?", he paused, "May I come in?" He needed her to say yes.

"Of course, Mike.", Nancy's voice was muffled.

Mike grasped the doorknob, slowly opening the door. He walked in and softly shut the door behind him.

"Hey Mike, what's going on?", Nancy spoke gently. She was a bit confused. Mike never came to her like this.

"I needed someone to talk to.", he swallowed, "I also wanted to tell you something."

"Oh. What's wrong?"

"Well," he began, "it's about Will and I's relationship."

Nancy tilted her head to the side. "What do you mean? Did something happen?"

"Um, no. I mean, yes? Kind of? I don't know.", Mike's voice was quivering.

"Mike, you can talk to me. Just say what's on your mind.", his sister commented, reassuringly.

Mike took a few deep breaths. You can do this, Mike. There's nothing to worry about. It's just Nancy. There it was again. That annoying, yet helpful, little voice. It repeated itself in his head.

"Um, so, I kissed Will last night.", Mike stopped, looking down, "He kissed me back but I don't think he meant it. I'm afraid I've just ruined a decade of friendship. He's my best friend. I can't lose him. Not yet."

"So, you're...?", Nancy indirectly asked.

"...Gay? Yea, I am."

Nancy smiled at her brother. "I'm proud of you, Mike. You've come to terms with yourself."

"Have I though?", he pondered, "I think I have a bit of internalized homophobia. It won't leave me alone."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because", he stopped, "Will's special to me, but not just in a friendship type of way. I love him so much. That's why I feel so guilty. Every time we're together I feel alive, I'm tender. But after a while, this wave of fear and disgust overcomes me. I don't really know how to describe it."

Nancy watched her younger brother's eyes fill with tears. She wanted to help, but she was unsure what to say. "Can I ask a question really quick?" Mike nodded his head. "Who else knows?"

Mike swallowed with hesitance. "Only El." His voice was low, pained.

"I'm assuming she wasn't much help?", Nancy implied.

"Nope.", Mike confirmed. He let out a small laugh. His smile was plastered on with pain, but it was still genuine. It lit up the room.

"There's that smile. I bet Will loves it.", Nancy teased, ruffling Mike's long, dark brown hair.

"So funny, Nance.", Mike rolled his eyes, continuing to laugh.

While Mike was having a slightly humorous heart to heart with his sister, Will was dealing with his problems as well. They were similar to Mike's, but they had their own little twist added to them.

There was a tap on Will's window. It was Max.

"Finally.", Will murmured, walking to the window. He opened it and Max climbed through.

"Hey, Will. What's up?" She closed the boy's window.

"I need you to play therapist for a second."

"Therapist you say?" Max arched one of her eyebrows. "I'm all ears, William. What's going on?"

Will inhaled, then exhaled. "I'm warning you; this might be a lot so be prepared." Max nodded. "So, um, yesterday Mike and I got into a pretty heated argument and he may have brought up some stuff from the past, you know, like my trauma."

"I swear I'm going to hurt him. He needs to think before he speaks. This is the second time something like this has happened.", Max insulted.

Will chuckled a little. "It's okay, Max. There's no need to hurt him. He apologized."

"So, then what's going on? Why am I playing therapist?", the redheaded girl questioned.

"There's more." Will paused, thinking of how to word things. He didn't want to make Mike sound like the bad guy, the villain. Will didn't want to play victim. "After Mike apologized, I let him stay over. It was late and I really just wanted to spend some time with him." He smiled at the thought of his best friend, the boy he'd been in love with since he was twelve. "He complimented my drawing, blah blah blah, that's not really important. Anyway, it might come as a surprise, but I'm having episodes again. Sometimes they're more like nightmares, but it's whatever. Mike basically saved me while I was having a nightmare and, shortly after, he kissed me."

"Wait! Mike kissed you!? Michael Wheeler!? Mr. I'm in love with my childhood best friend but I have internalized homophobia and I'm super oblivious to the fact that he's also in love with me?! That Michael Wheeler!? Are we talking about the same person here?!"

"Uh, yeah. He's been acting strange since he kissed me though.", Will added.

"He has internalized homophobia, Will. Maybe just give him some time? It seems like he's trying to come to terms with himself and his sexuality. Now, let's talk about these episodes, or nightmares should I say.", she remarked, calmly.

"Wait", Will began, "does that mean I can't talk to or see Mike at all, until he's ready?"

"Not necessarily. You can still talk to him and hang out with him any time you want but just try to keep things simple. Don't act weird. Pretend nothing ever happened."

"Yea, okay." Will had no other words. No other desire to talk to Max. "I think it's time you go."

"Oh. Already? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Max. You can go", he implied.

"Nancy! Michael!", their father yelled from the kitchen.

The two ran down the stairs, Nancy getting there first and Mike following behind.

"Dad" Mike paused. "You know I don't like being called 'Michael'. It's, uh, Mike." He was hesitant when correcting his dad. He was afraid of him. He did his best not to show it but the stutter that formed when he spoke to him was too strong.

"Why are you stuttering, son? What's your deal?", Ted swore.

Mike's voice was pitiful. "I- no reason, dad. I'm sorry."

He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, the two of you are going to the Byers' house for a few weeks. I need you to pack your things. You're leaving soon."

"Why are we staying at the Byers' house?", Nancy asked. She heard Mike gulp quietly. He moved his gaze to the ground.

"Don't ask questions. Just do as I say." There was a silence. "Go!"

The two walked up the stairs, Nancy behind Mike. As they were about to split and go their separate ways, Nancy grabbed her brother's wrist. He quickly jerked his body to face hers, unsure of what was happening.

"Are you okay? I saw your gaze trail towards the floor when dad mentioned we'd be stay with the Byers'." She stopped. "I heard you gulp too."

Mike's heart was racing. He didn't think she would notice. He didn't realize his face said what he couldn't say verbally. "Yea, I'm good."

"You don't look 'good', Mike. But if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to." she shared.

"Cool, I guess." He broke loose of Nancy's grip. He headed towards his room, getting ready to pack his things and mentally prepare to see Will.

As soon as the two Wheeler siblings were ready to go, Ted quickly pushed them out of the house, throwing Nancy's keys to her as they left. The car ride seemed awfully long, although they were just a few minutes away. Mike didn't mind that though. Instead, he enjoyed gazing out the window, watching the pretty autumn scenery pass, as he dreaded arriving at the Byers' household.

"We're here." His sister turned off the car and unbuckled, getting out. "Come on, Mike. You can't avoid him forever."

"I'm coming."

Nancy lightly knocked on the door and Joyce opened it. She stood in the doorway smiling, looking effortlessly beautiful, as always.

"I've been waiting for you two to get here!", she beamed. Mike shot her a quick, fake smile. "Come in!"

They stepped in, the door closing behind them. The house smelt just as it did earlier that morning. It smelt of cinnamon, pumpkin, and a hint of apple. It was very fall-like. Mike enjoyed the scent. Suddenly, Will approached his mother and the two siblings.

"Hey Nancy!" He glanced at the floor. "Hey Mike."

"Hi Will.", he trembled. He felt his cheeks burn with joy. He knew things were a bit weird between them but just hearing Will say his name calmed him a bit.

"I'm assuming you and Jonathan will share a room, Nance?", Ms. Byers asked.

"Yes, that's fine."

"Good. You two can share a room, right?" She looked at the two boys.

"Of course, Ms. Byers.", Mike spoke.

"Okay, well. Nancy, Jonathan's in his room. Boys, you're free to do whatever you want." She smiled.

The boys nodded and began walking to Will's room. When they arrived, Mike put his bag on the floor while Will pushed the door closed.

Don't say anything stupid, Mike. He was overthinking again. He sat on Will's floor with his back to the wall. He felt like crying. He just wanted to sob into someone's chest while they comforted him. He caught himself glancing up at Will every so often, who was leaned against the wall, his arms crossed and his foot on the wall. With every look, Mike's vision became more blurry, his palms began to sweat, and he was very fidgety with his hands. He was beginning to have a panic attack.

Will took notice, of course. Why wouldn't he? He walked over to Mike and sat down next to him. He seemed distressed.

"Mike? Are you okay?" He tried to look at the other boy's face. From what he could see, his eyes were watery and red. "Mike, please, you can talk to me."

Will placed his arm around Mike, leaning his head on him. Mike flinched at the feeling of Will's arm draped around his shoulders.

"I'm here when you're ready to talk." He spoke tenderly.

"Will", Mike said, "What's wrong with me?" He knew why the panic attack was occurring. His head was spinning, thoughts racing back and forth. For one, he was thinking about his father. What if he finds out I'm in love with Will? My best friend. A guy. I'll be the family disgrace. His question may have sounded as if he was just wanting validation but in reality, he was doubting himself. He doubted himself in a way no one else did, a way no one else understood.

"What? There's nothing wrong with you, Mike." Will lifted his head up off his friend's shoulder. "Look at me." Mike slowly looked up at Will. "I don't know what's going on in your complicated mind right now but you're enough and there's nothing wrong with you. You got that?"

"I don't know. There's just a lot going on in my head right now.", the dark haired boy shuddered.

"Do you mind telling me?" Will looked directly into Mike's swollen eyes.

"Uh, no.", he gulped, taking a few deep breaths, "I have a secret and I'm worried my dad's going to find out. If he finds out I'm sure I'll be kicked out."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Mike spoke quickly. His tone seemed less relaxed than before. He watched as Will's eyes widened a bit at the sound of his voice suddenly shifting into an angered tone. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just a touchy subject for me." He looked down, letting a few tears fall from his eyes.

"Come here." Will grabbed his friend and pulled him into his warming embrace. He hugged him tightly, beginning to rub his back. He felt Mike's arms wrap around his waist and his head resting on his shoulder. Mike cried, cried for what felt like an eternity.

When he could finally catch his breath, he spoke. "I'm glad I have you, Will. You made me realize something really important." He inhaled, his head still rested on Will's shoulder.

"And what is that?", Will smiled. He loved hearing Mike say he was important to him.

"My mind can't dictate what I do or how I feel. For a long time, I've let it control me but not anymore." He lifted his head up off of Will's shoulder and looked at him dead in the eyes. "I'm sorry about the whole kiss thing. I know it made things awkward between us." He paused. "And I'm sorry I said it was a mistake. It wasn't. I meant to do it. I don't really know what I meant by it yet but I do know that it meant something to me."

Will smiled, his cheeks a bright pink color, like always. They were always rosy around Mike. "It's okay, Mike. Take your time."