Hey, how are my fellow MerDer fans? Here's a new chapter finally. I can't say that the lack of feedback on the previous chapter encougared me to write more. If you didn't particularly like something about it, please write that in a review so I can do better next time. Anyway, I'd say this is a nice long chapter and I would love to read your thoughts about it, even the tips on what I can do better. The title is the song Next to Me by Imagine Dragons.
Chapter 23: Next to me
Amelia's POV:
You comb your hair, paying special attention to covering the shaved spots along the line from the surgery. Derek came to visit but you suspect he just wants to check on you and make sure you are okay. It's touching on one hand but a little annoying on the other. Derek should understand better than anyone else. He gently rocks Ellis in his lap while you frown into the mirror. "I hate this bald spot," you grumble.
Derek chuckles. "I can barely see it."
You roll your eyes at him and then hit his arm with the comb. "How was it when you didn't have your precious hair?" you tease.
"Less work. But..." he grimaces and you know he wasn't enjoying it all that much. The image of Derek without hair is still weird. He runs his finger through his curls as if to make sure they are on his head where they should be. Derek was always weirdly obsessed with his hair. "...Hmmmm."
"So what big brother? Have any plans for celebrating the big jubilee?" you ask cheerfully and you nudge him. He grumbles but you smirk. You are just teasing him. The age of 50 is big and has a whole lot of special meaning after the year Derek's been through. But just like you he has a new baby and you can tell he just wants to spend the day in peace with his wife and kids.
Derek chuckles: "No." Then he scratches his head and continues: "Ma called about that."
"Seriously? She would want you to travel to New York?!" It gets you triggered and Derek can tell.
"Hush. Even Nancy told her it's bad idea."
Of course, your OB-GYN sister would have something to say about travelling such long distances with little babies. Especially after the birth that was less than ideal for both Ellis and Meredith.
"She gets that. But you know how...it's...everybody wants celebrate I'm...alive for 50. Or what...ever," he forms his thoughts the best he can, raising his eyebrows. Yeah. You get that too. But you are still thankful you will be spared of the big family gathering. "Wait, they are not all coming here, are they?"
You both laugh. "No. But ma has two new granchil...grandchildren here. She will come sooner or later."
Derek's POV:
Expressing yourself clearly on the phone still proves difficult for you. You cannot use facial expressions or gestures and you have to really focus on your articulation. However your mom is a patient woman. Actually you've only ever met one woman more patient than her – Meredith. Meredith who waited for you for months and helped you with absolutely everything all while being only too urgently reminded of the passing time by her growing belly. Anyway, after the birth of Ellis, you really wanted to share your happiness with mom.
She picked up the phone: "Hello Derek. What's up?"
You got so excited you spurred a bunch of incomprehensible words on her.
"You'venew...grandchild. She'as born night." You heard voices in the background: "What is he saying?" ... "New Year's night? Wow, good!" You guess the family New Year's dinner was taking place in the house.
"Ma, I have daughter Ellis."
"Really Derek? That's so amazing! Congratulations! Give her a kiss from nana."
There were more squealing congratulations in the background and kids' voices asking what's happening.
"Yeah."
"How's Meredith feeling? Is she okay?"
You took a deep breath. That's a long story and you weren't sure you could explain it correctly. "Yeah, now. But not really."
Ma's breath hitched. "Son, what's wrong?"
"Nothing 'more. Now okay. They both. But Mer had a'rupt...abrup'on of placenta. She hadto've...C section at tirtyse'en weeks, " your voice was breaking. No matter what, you had one pressing thought on your mind I wasn't there.
"Oh dear God. But you say she is okay now, right? You caught it soon enough and she and Ellis are both alright."
You irrationally sobbed: "I wasn't...here. Zozo called 'bulance and she...I came home and there's...somuch blood."
Everything worked out for the best, considering the circumstances. You wanted to be strong in front of Meredith, Zola and Bailey. But after it was over you realized you were frightened. You are really proud of Zola and hate the gnawing feeling that instead of going to the store you should've just stayed home with Meredith and the kids. And you hate that you are so emotional. You think you should behave like the man, be the rock and just deal with it, especially since everything turned out okay. But you just couldn't do it at that moment. Your mom would be the first to say it's good that you are coping and facing your emotions, but you just felt so weak.
"Derek...shhh...Mer's okay. That's it. Focus on that. Son, you did everything the best you knew how. You are raising good kids. Zola knew how to help Meredith, that means you're doing something right."
"...thanks you ma," you got out, drying your tears.
"I'm so happy for you Derek. I will come over sometime. Don't worry, not right now. I just really wanna see you all. I will let you know eventually."
...
You are sitting (obviously) in the living room of your and Mer's dreamhouse with a colorful partyhat on your head and the banner birthday boy is hanging from your neck. Well, Zola stuck a different paper on the word boy, so now it's saying birthday dad. You love it. Zola wrote the word dad herself, she already knows the capital letters. You love celebrating your 50th birthday just with Mer, the kids, Alex, Maggie, Amelia, Owen and Logan (though they leave soon, understandably with Amelia's recovery after the brain surgery and labor and with Logan being only 6 weeks old). Jo is working, Arizona too. Both Miranda and Richard called with congratulations. It's the first birthday you are spending in the chair and the first in maybe 20 years you aren't a hotshot neurosurgeon. But you really don't care. It would be bittersweet, but...you frankly have no time to think about it. You just feel so happy. Even with the aching back and limbs and no sensation in your legs. It's your first birthday as the father of three. You are so in love with your wife, you have the greatest friends and the best kids. They love the chocolate birthday cake with sprinkles Meredith made (you are not big on chocolate or sweets, Mer would even call you a health nut, so it's not so much for you as it is for the joy of 3 year old Bailey and 5 and a half year old Zola). They climb on you, playing with your hat and banner all the time. You look at sleeping baby Ellis filled with so much love.
There's something about the way that you always see the pretty view
Overlook the blooded mess, always lookin' effortless
And still you, still you want me
Seven and a half weeks ago you were absolutely terrified – Zola called you from the ambulance about Meredith bleeding heavily and passing out. Placental abrution. There's no way you could've know. But damnit, you should have watched for the signs. You remember calling Timothy and rushing to the hospital. Well, not Grey Sloan, but UW Montlake which wasn't a ferryboat-ride away from your house. You were in the waiting room and tried to reassure Zola and Bailey their mom would be alright, telling them how proud you were of them and that they handled the situation really well. But inside you were falling apart. You nervously rubbed the wheels of your chair until your fingers were bloody. You called Alex who immediately said he was coming, Maggie and also Cristina. You two already did this once.
"He looks like her. His apgars are good. 6 and a 9. He's gonna be fine... " You sobbed softly: "Cristina?"
"Hey, Meredith Grey has survived a bomb, a drowning, a gunman and a plane crash, and she's still here. She's gonna die when she's like 90, old and warm in her bed. She's not gonna die today. Today she's gonna be fine."
"I hope so."
"She has to be. She's our person."
(Derek, Cristina, 9x24)
There was a mutual understanding that you and Cristina needed each other to make it through this. You stayed on the phone for a while. Then Cristina was pulled away by her work. But very soon she called back. That day she called you maybe five times.
You know in Grey Sloan they wouldn't let you into the OR gallery or anything and they would all look at you with even more pity than they usually do, but you still felt out of place in Montlake. Alex came and pulled you into a hug. You thought of Mark and how much he meant to you. You get that Alex feels similarly about Meredith and vice versa.
And then the nurse came and her bright smile felt out of place. But that was only until she said:
"Mr. Shep...Dr. Shepherd. You have a healthy daughter. Would you like to see her?
"Yee...as...of course."
You switched the wheelchair for the hospital mechanical one that could go to the NICU and Alex took you there to take a good look at your little girl. When you saw her the first thought was that she looked just like Meredith. Beautiful.
"She looks like Mer,"Alex breathed out. You nodded. Absolutely. Than you proceeded to ask the staff all you possibly could about the baby and even if there were a few replies like "Could you say that again?", "Once more please," and once Alex had to explain what exactly you wanted, you couldn't be bothered by it.
I got no innocence, faith ain't no privilege
I am a deck of cards, vice or a game of hearts
And still you, still you want me
"She's waking up," the smiling nurse announced and you thought she was great in such a positive department as obstetrics. Surgery wings could use more smiling too.
But the prettiest smile was the one on Meredith's face when she said I had a baby, when you told her the girl was okay and when she decided Her name...is Ellis. Meredith's mom caused her a lot of hurt through the years. You were there. You very vaguelly (thankfully) remember how you pulled Mer out of the freezing water and did a CPR on her but you do know it had something to do with Ellis Grey. You didn't think it was possible to ever feel sorry for the woman, but you kind of did after you heard the story about Maggie (the second time around, Mer and her sister claimed they told your shortly before the truck-crash, but it's just point blank in your mind). Something similar almost happened to Meredith – you almost left her alone – and you hate yourself for it. Anyway, she sympathizes with Ellis more now. Your daughter will have her grandmother's name. Okay, why not?
You smiled like a fool thinking: Okay, we are naming the next one Carolyn. Or Caroline, after Lexie too. It was a joking thought but you realized to Mer it might sound like a diabolical plan. You won't tell her (for now at least).
The next day was worse. You came home and as soon as you opened the door, the smell of blood lingered everywhere. There was a large puddle of the red liquid on the kitchen floor. You got sick. Not necessarily from the smell or the blood itself but more from the associations with it. Mer must've been absolutely terrified. With the swirling stomach and tears in your eyes you tried to pull yourself together and started tidying the kitchen (in whatever way you managed from the wheelchair).
...
You behaved to Meredith horribly before your accident – you remember bits and pieces of that – but she helped you through so much during your recovery. She still does – and it's your turn to do the same for her. At least to try and make things easier, to be there for her.
Oh, I always let you down
You're shattered on the ground
But still, I find you there
Next to me
And oh, stupid things I do
I'm far from good, it's true
But still I find you
Next to me
(Imagine Dragons - Next to me)
So from the beginning of Meredith's recovery you helped her with everything you could. The first few days she was bleeding heavily and she slept lot of the time. You could tell she was really exhausted after the traumatic experience and the blood loss. You explained it to disappointed Zola and Bailey who managed to get just one phone call with their barely-awake, ICU-confined mom during the next 4 days. You showed them their little sister on the camera and they were very excited. You managed to take her out of the incubator and free her from all the wires for a short while so you didn't scare the older kids. Everytime you hold her in your arms, you feel the overwhelming love. Oh gosh, she's so precious. She's gorgeous.
"This is a dream come true," you heard the soft voice of Meredith who just woke up and watched you cuddle Ellis with shining eyes. You know she dreamed about this scene for months but she was scared to hope.
"For me too," you replied. You are so glad you're here with Meredith and your little girl. The feeling is worth everything. You came so close to not being able to do this, they almost lost you.
The Lord saved me from death; he stopped my tears and kept me from defeat.
(Psalm 116)
You are so thankful that wasn't the case. You were lovingly rocking Ellis and you asked Mer: "Howare you feeling? "
"Uh, sore still. But it's getting better. You are helping tremendously, Derek. And the bleeding's not so bad anymore."
She got up and went to the bathroom to take care of that when she noticed that her pajama top was wet from the leaking breasts. "Oh great. Not again," she grunted. The leaking almost stopped a few days ago, but the extensive milk production remained. Mer and Ellis were able to come home after a week and since then your fridge is crowded with bottles of the pumped milk.
You still try to let Mer have lots of sleep and you are taking care of the kids and everything you possibly can the best you know how to. You call your friends for help occasionally, but you love when you can do it yourself and you are just the husband pampering his wife. You love massaging Mer's breasts. You are aplying the lanolin cream on her nipples and your thoughts aren't even (that) sexually charged – you are really tender and the same goes with gently cleaning her C-section scar (the old one from Bailey's birth is kind of hidden beneath the new one). You are always moving with things on your lap now because you don't let Meredith carry anything heavier than Ellis.
You are also spending time in the kitchen quite a lot and even if you managed to splash yourself with boling water when you tried to cook something the day Mer got home (which was a seriously painful experience), you got more used to cooking from the wheelchair and no such thing has happened since. You are making all kinds of healthy food because you know Mer should eat lots of fruit and vegetables filled with plently of fiber and white meat full of proteins. She hates that though. She tries to persuade you to let her eat lots of sweet things, claiming she needs lots of energy. You know she's intentionally teasing you. But you can barely resists her when she sweettalks to you, caresses your face, peppers you with gentle kisses and most importantly when she comes close and her boobs heaving with milk are right in your face. She still needs to be careful with movement, but you start going outside together, Mer walking with a stroller, you driving your wheelchair, mostly with Zola or Bailey sitting on you, the other one walking by.
Meredith's POV:
You cannot really postpone Carolyn's visit anymore. You are just glad she's coming on her own. In the hallway you happily watch her fall into Derek's arms. It's a touching scene, really. Your smile brightens. Derek's mother straightens up and she catches sight of you with the baby in a sling. Her eyes seem to light up even more.
"Hello Carolyn. Good to see you," you say with a smile. "This is Ellis," you introduce the baby girl in your arms. She just woke up. Carolyn's soft palm touches Ellie's cheek and she whimpers, but looks content. You later let the proud grandmother hold Ellie and you are all making small talk. Anyway, it's heartwarming. Carolyn has that effect on people. Well, her son inherited it and your kids did too. Actually, you feel they have that effect on Carolyn in return. Of course, what also helps is the fact that Derek really improved, he's smiling happily, he's less bruised and in general looks less drained by simple things. He has healthier color in the face, engages in the conversation and he's sitting more upright.
When Zozo and Bailey come back home from preschool, they are squealing happily and talking Carolyn's ear off about various topics. They couldn't wait for their grandma, you know they love spending time with her. You still don't feel 100 percent comfortable with Carolyn, mainly because of your relationship with your own mother. And Carolyn sometimes seems like a perfect mother which is intimidating. Though from what you heard about her relationship with Amelia, that definitely isn't the case. Childhood of the Shepherd siblings wasn't perfect, not even close. Their father was murdered with Derek and Amelia watching. You have seen Derek get shot, Derek battered and comatose after the truck crash, Lexie and Mark dying after the plane crash, even more battered and disfigured George dying after the bus crash and yet you consider Derek and Amelia's experience utterly horrible and maybe worse than anything you've been through. Ellis slit her wrists in front of you and you carried the trauma of that till adulthood. But Mr. Shepherd's life was taken forcefully and it was because of the thieves wanting his watch. Amelia was Zola's age at the time and just the image of your children having to go through something similar makes you sick. Yet Carolyn Shepherd raised 5 doctors on her own. She may not be perfect but she's definitely an admirable woman.
.
Amelia and Owen come to the house soon with Logan. Amelia has a small band on the head in the place of her surgery incision. You see the mother and daughter greeting, but it's a bit tense. No wonder. Derek said Amelia only told her mom about the surgery a few days ago on the phone. You get that Amelia didn't want to worry mom or maybe didn't want to deal with her or the sisters, but it is unimaginable for you as a mother. If Zola ever needs a shunt revision for her hydrocephalus, you cannot imagine not being there.
Carolyn's POV:
"I wasn't there when you needed a mother. When you most needed help trying to make sense of life or loss or love...I'm so sorry you lost so many people in your life, including your baby, and felt like you couldn't count on me," you told Amelia. It was not easy forming the apology, thoughts of those moments were pushed somewhere to the back of your mind, but have been gnawing you for years.
"It's ok. I'm not angry at you, mom," your daughter replied.
"I know, hon... but I...if you let me, I would really like to be here for you now. To help you with anything you need," you said tenderly. The thoughts about another grandchild coming were really nice.
(chapter 6)
Of course you weren't there for your daughter because she didn't let you. She told you about her brain tumor only after Logan was born – even when she was on forced leave for some time before the birth and you called her, she still acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. You hate that, but you know you are partly at fault. You never fully repaired the relationship with Amelia for her to trust you enough.
Amelia's POV:
Mom picked up after 4 rings. At the first ring dread settled in your stomach, still protruding though Logan was sleeping in the crib next to you. With the second ring your palms were sweaty. You're a surgeon and they are never shaky but still with the third ring the hand in which you held the phone started shaking and after the fourth your breath hitched. Derek had been convincing you to call for weeks. You didn't wanna do that at all, claiming you'd tell ma after it was over. She called once or twice to ask about the pregancy. Anyway you always told her something irrelevant. Your symptoms thankfully weren't too noticeable. Once it took you too long to find the right word for something and you called it the "pregnancy brain". Mom bought it you thought. Part of you almost admitted the brain tumor, thinking it would only be worse when you don't rip off the band aid and tell her, but the other – you now call it the more cowardly one – always said you didn't want to worry her. Derek didn't want that either, but still hated how you handled things. He almost broke down and called ma when you weren't speaking after the surgery, but telling her at that time would be even worse. Of course if you stayed that way it would be inevitable and ma might have never forgiven Derek or your doctors for keeping her in the dark.
"Hello, Carolyn Shepherd speaking," yeah, your mom still does this even if she can read the caller's name on the screen. Old habits are hard to break.
"Mom, it's me...Amelia."
"Amelia, are you ok? You sound..." Weak, ill, drained after the surgery. You know. If labor was hard, the brain surgery was impossible. The feeling that something was missing didn't help.
"Mom, I had a brain tumor," you spurted out. You just wanted to get it over with.
"What?!" mom shrieked and rightfully so.
Carolyn's POV:
You are here now. When you recovered from the initial shock after Amelia's news you had a thousand questions and with each word you felt angrier. At Amelia and at yourself. And who came the worst from the situation was Derek because you bombarded him with the phone call right away and he listened to all your reproaches, blames and worries. When Amelia couldn't tell you such an important thing, why didn't Derek? You talked his ear off for half an hour. Derek now isn't great at speaking and expressing himself, even though he has so much wisdom to share. He is very perceptive, amazing at listening and comforting people though.
"Ma I know you worried...you're unhappy 'bout us. And Amelia okay now. Don't like...that she didn't tell you. But don't frighten. Amy made't through surgery amazing. Am so proud of her." They infrutiate you. But you are so proud of them both.
She is okay now. My baby is okay. You tried to convince yourself, but the image of young Amelia after the overdose kept popping up in your mind. When you imagine everything that happened to her later – and you are sure you don't even know all to the full extent – your heart breaks. But then you see the little boy and the piece of your heart – or maybe several pieces, because happiness floods you – are back to where they should be.
"This is Logan," Amelia proudly says.
"Hi Logan, I'm your grandma," you caress the baby. "I'm so happy to finally see you and your mama. I'm sorry I missed..." But it doesn't matter. You have all the time in the world. For both your grandson and your youngest daughter you hope such horrendous things are over. You look at Amelia. "I'm sorry I missed your tumor," you can't help saying. Your eyes catch hers and you both burst out laughing.
What do you think?