THREE MONTHS LATER
How did these past three months go so disastrously wrong? I'm a free woman, I got the girl, life should be simple from here on out, so why does it feel like I'm more trapped now than ever? Passers-by jeer and glare as I walk down the street, mothers pull their children tighter into their grasp, I'm infamous in a town that once never knew my name. Within a few weeks my ventures outside of the apartment slowly dwindled down to only those of pure necessity, and only when I was with Brittany, never alone. People are more discreet with their disgust when your accompanied by an officer. I don't know which is worse people's constant glares or the fact that Brittany is more police escort than girlfriend (I mean, we haven't officially had that conversation, but if this was a perfect world she would be).
My relationship with my father is still frosty. We haven't spoken much over the past few months, and when we have it has been strictly professional, court formalities, compensation applications, that sort of thing. I still haven't found the strength to talk to my mother. I miss her so much, so much so that I'm scared to finally meet up after all these years. What if she doesn't recognize the girl stood in front of her? What if the after all the years of no communication we've become strangers to each other? What if her once warm and comforting embrace now feels harsh and cold? Unable to chance that reality I continually listen to her countless voicemails that have slowly built up on my cell over the past three months. I listen to and treasure each and every one. Every sound, every mumble, every breath. I'd forgotten what her voice truly sounded like after all these years, how warm and inviting it is, it's almost willing me to answer. But I'm still to weak to reply, although I pray this isn't always the case, so for now I can only save them keep that tiny piece of my mother for myself.
The small box apartment that was once my lone beacon of safety now feels dark and claustrophobic. With career prospects non-existent, nobody wants to hire an ex-con, innocent or not, I begin to spend hour after hour, day after day, week after week couped up in the emptiness of the apartment, just waiting for Brittany to return from work. And she does, and when she does my world seems momentarily a little brighter. She smiles at me and tells me all about her day. We eat take-out and cuddle up on the couch together, binge watching the latest craze on Netflix. And I feel almost, normal. That is until I remember that this is anything but normal.
Replaying the past few months in my head and falling deeper and deeper into my dark depression, I continue to stare at the notepad in front of me, practically willing all the thoughts that I'm feeling to magically formulate into the written word. Thoughts that I long to tell Brittany, but I can't. I begin to scribble…'Brittany'…no, to formal I think to myself as I rip the page from the pad and try again…'babe'…no, too lovey. Again I rip the paper from the pad. Again and again, I rip page after page from the pad scrunching each into a ball and throwing them into the trash until the once empty can starts to overflow. I look up to the clock on the wall. 4:18pm. Brittany will be home in a little over two hours, and by then I need to be gone. I should be long gone by now anyway. If I had any backbone I would be, but every time I build up the courage to tell Britt everything I feel, my eyes meet hers and I crumble. So, I need to leave whilst she's gone or else, I know I never will. My stomach sinks at the thought. The thought of leaving without saying goodbye. The thought of an unassuming Brittany returning to an empty apartment.
Yet to successfully convince myself that I am doing the right thing, I drag my palms down my face, making sure to apply extra pressure when I reach my eye sockets, blurring my vision and temporarily dispersing the image of the blonde from my mind. Temporarily. Only temporarily. She soon reappears, long, golden locks flowing and beautiful blue eyes enticing me back in. Enticing me to stay, but I can't, can I? With the clock ticking and my deadline looming I decide to make a pros and cons list.
CON: NO JOB PRESPECTS. That's pretty self-explanatory I think to myself. I spent the first few weeks of my freedom on the job hunt and everyplace told me the same. 'We're not hiring'…'You don't have the look we're looking for'…'It wouldn't be good for business'. Every store, every bar, every office the same old bullshit. I've exhausted every possibility in Lima, if I am to find work it won't be here.
CON: ALONE. Apart from Brittany, I am completely alone, well maybe not in a physical sense but mentally even with the blonde holding my hand every step along the way I'm alone. Being the ex-con poster girl of Lima is truly mentally draining. Nobody I know in Lima understands what I went through. Maybe there is nobody who understands what I went through, not even Tina. If Tina was here, maybe I could stay I think to myself. If Tina was here, I'd have somebody to talk to about the adjustment of prison life to life on the outside. But Tina doesn't get out for over fourteen months, and I can't wait that long. Brittany listens and tries to understand, but how can you when you've never experienced it yourself. Watching all seven seasons of Orange is the New Black hardly correlates to twelve years on the inside. Let me tell you, those girls had it easy compared to the real thing.
CON: BURDEN TO BRITT This is a biggie I think to myself as I write. With no job or even tangible survival skills with each passing day I become more and more of a burden to Brittany. I grew up in a house with financial security, a luxury I know, but the thought of not having it scares me to the core. The thought of depending on somebody else for my own survival scares me even more. I've already put so much pressure on the blonde that she's going to break at some point, and I can't be the reason. I think back to that night before my trial. How dark and sunken her features were compared to the photographs I saw. Brittany would never admit it, but at one of my meetings with my father I managed to sneak a peak at just how much my innocent has cost her. £25,000 bail. I know she paid it. I know she gave up her house, her Harley, her passions, her life, her everything for me and with every passing minute that I stay, I'm becoming more and more of a burden.
CON: FAILING BRITT: Failing Britt. I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye as I shakily scribble my last con. This one hurts the most. Maybe I could live with the other cons, but not this one. I take a shaky breath as my mind wanders back to that night a little over three weeks ago.
/
"Happy birthday Brit" I smile as the blonde walks through the door after another ten-hour shift down at the station. "I-I know it not much but, but I…" I begin to ramble as Britt freezes in place, mouth gaped open. My stomach sinks to my toes as I hang my head in shame. She hates it, I mean why wouldn't she. It's pathetic. The hand drawn banners, the three mismatched balloons that I managed to find stuck in the back of one of the kitchen drawers, the cake that looks like it's been decorated by an infant. "I'm sorry, you hate it, I-I just wanted to…" I begin again, eyes closed. The soft, gentle touch of Britt's hand on my chin quickly holts my external train of thought, as she guides my eyes and lips to meet hers. My eyes flutter open at the touch.
"San. I love it" Brittany smiles in-between tender kisses.
"Really?" I ask. Britt softly nods and smiles as I fully relax into her embrace at the confirmation.
/
"What's on your mind baby girl?" Brittany questions as she pulls back the sheets, sliding under the covers next to me later that evening. I look towards the blonde internally deliberating whether or not to unload on her, instead I choose to just shrug in response.
"Okay. I understand" Britt replies quietly before placing a kiss on my lips and turning over onto her other side and switching the bedside lamp off. "Wake me if you change your mind" she adds between stifled yawns, curling herself into a ball. Staring at the celling in the darkness, is often when my thoughts begin to go into overdrive and tonight is no different. I manage to internally fight off the urge to share for fifteen minutes, before what I'm thinking spills out before I can stop it.
"Next year I'll spoil you. I promise" my body stays tense the admission, hoping that the blonde is in too deep of a sleep to hear my words.
"What are you talking about?" Brittany questions after a few seconds of silence as she turns over to face me, the twinkle in her eye intensified by the single steam of moonlight that seeps in through the blinds. I sit up against the headboard before elaborating.
"I mean it. Next year when it's your birthday. I'm gonna do it right. I'm talking fancy restaurants, expensive jewellery, the works. You won't even remember this crappy one. I promise" I reply, my tone serious.
"Babe, I don't need fancy dinners and solid gold earrings" Britt laughs, moving a stray piece of hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear as she sits up.
"You don't" I quiz, a look of confusement etched onto my face.
"Nope"
"But, but my father always spoils my mother on her birthday. Only the best for mi amor he would say. And they've been together forever" I pause before continuing. "So, is it that you need?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Britt chuckles, softly shaking her head. I scrunch my nose as I try to understand what she finds so funny, my confusement evidenty growing by the second.
"You" the blonde replies slowly, as if it's the most obvious answer in the entire universe before bopping me on my nose. "Just you and your cute little confused, scrunched up nose" I open my mouth in an attempt to speak but before I can formulate a response the blonde quickly captures my lips in her own.
"Smooth" I chuckle as we separate. Brittany's cheeks become flushed as I bite my bottom lip and effortlessly move to straddle her hips. "But if I'm all you want…" I whisper slowly into Brittany's ear, making sure to linger a second too long before continuing '…then why didn't you just say so" I gently take her ear lobe between my teeth, before letting go and placing a soft kiss there that barely touches skin. I supress a chuckle as I feel the blonde beneath me begin to squirm slightly. I begin to leave a trail of gentle kisses as I make my way down towards her collarbone. I see Brittany biting down on her lower lip, eyes scrunched closed, as I do.
"San. Are-are you sure?" the blonde asks quietly as she lifts up my chin, so my eyes meet hers. "I don't want you to do anything if you're not ready" her eyes scan mine and I feel my insides begin to warm at her gaze, at her concern. But I want this, I want Brittany. And I want her now.
"I'm sure" I nod in confirmation as I make my way back down to her collarbone to at nip at the skin, making sure to leave my mark before capturing Brittany's lips back in my own. The sweet sensation of Britt's lips on my mine sends a warm shiver down my spine and straight into my core. Both wanting and needing more I begin to trace Brittany's lips with the tip of my tongue, desperate for permission to enter. She accepts and I quickly deepen the kiss with the hunger that can only come from being sexually deprived for the better part of a decade. What started out as a sweet, tender moment quickly escalates into a hot, sweaty mess, the only pause in connection being when a gulp of much needed oxygen is hurriedly taken. My fingers sloppily entangle in golden locks as I pull the beauty closer into my touch. Mine are not the only hands that wander as Brittany's begin to explore my lower back. Her delicate touch sends another shiver coursing through my body, resulting in a barely audible moan escaping my lips.
"Oh you like that do you" Brittany teases between kisses as she begins to trace barely there circles on my lower back with her fingertips, making my body squirm uncontrollably in anticipation. Upping the ante Brittany slowly begins to move her hands further south and under the waistband of my sweats and onto my thighs. It's only when the gentle touch of Brittany makes contact with an army of old, barely healed wounds that I am jolted back into my harsh reality. Deep down I know these are touches of love from the blonde, but the years of physical and mental abuse from my time inside have clouded my body's ability to process that. Every movement from the blonde feels like a fresh blow from an angry CO. Every touch from her fingers unlocks an array of decade old memories, each one racing to the forefront of my mind, playing out like its own individual horror film. Every tender moment twisted and torn until I can't stand the feeling anymore. The broken scars of a broken shell of a women and Brittany can feel each and every one. At this realisation I leap off her lap and head for cover in the safety of the corner of the room. I begin to slide down the wall pulling my knees tight into my chest, the vulnerability I'm feeling rapidly speeding into overdrive as I fight to keep the tears in.
It's takes a few moments for a undoubtably confused Brittany to leave the bed and make her way over to me. Like so many times before the blonde sits a few feet away granting me the much-needed space I need in this moment before offering her words of comfort.
"San. It's okay" the blonde chuckles softly, her tone genuine. "You're not ready. That's fine. There's no rush"
"It's definitely not fine" I sob back, unable to keep the frustration I feel inside any longer. "How-how can it be when I can't…" the tears continue to fall in uncontainable streams down my cheeks. "Wha-what if I never can…." I turn my head away from the blonde as tears of frustration starts to turn into that of anger. "Y-you need…"
"I don't need anything baby girl" Brittany gently interrupts my ramble before slowly beginning to inch closer to me.
"Stupid…Failure…Stupid…" I mutter to myself between sniffles, now an unravelled blubbering mess, as I start ferociously scratching at the raised wounds of my hand until they begin to reopen once more. I'm too caught up in the sharp sensation that the pain causes to notice to blonde is now next to me. Drops of crimson escape the open wounds, collecting in a small puddle on the wooden floor at my feet. My reflection begins stares back at me, only increasing the amount of self-hatred I feel with every passing moment.
Once in touching distance the blonde softly places her hand atop of mine, bringing it to a gentle stop, before opening up her arms. I graciously fall into Brittany's embrace and nestle my face into the crook of her neck as I allow the remainder of my tears to silently fall. Exhausted by my latest breakdown, I finally fall asleep in the safety of the blonde's arms.
/
Ever since that night it's been like Brittany has been afraid to be near me, too worried that she'll break me, too scared to even touch me. Physical contact has been at an all time low and even simple gestures like handholding or subtle kisses have become scarce and tentative. Days slowly became weeks and I dread to think about weeks becoming months or even years. Sooner or later Brittany's resolve is going to break and she's going to look elsewhere for the intimacy that I am uncapable of providing for her. And you can't blame her. Not really.
/
I wipe the free-falling tears from my eyes with the back of my sleeve as I rip my cons list off the notepad before stuffing it in the pocket of my sweats. I take a quick glance at the clock that sits high on the wall before quickly jotting down my final message to the blonde:
'Britt,
You don't deserve any of this. You deserve to life your life, happy and stress free, without the burden of this broken shell of a woman dragging you down. You deserve somebody who can spoil you. Somebody who you can show off to the world, not someone you have to keep hidden in the shadows. Somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. You deserve somebody who has the guts to be able to say goodbye to your face, rather than leaving a note. But that's not me. I wish it was different, maybe one day it could be. Maybe one day I can be worthy of you. I hope so. But for now, I have to go.
You will always be my blue-eyed knight in shining armour
San x'
I pull a tattered brown envelope out of my other pocket. I partly open the packet to reveal a wad of Benjamin's. Compensation for my time inside, or as I like to call it 'hush money'. It's feels dirty, and if I could survive without it I wouldn't even take a dime, so I take just enough to keep my head above water for a few months and leave the rest for the blonde. It belongs to her anyway. A repayment for my bail and subsequent months of care. Placing one final kiss on the note I put it atop of the envelope before standing and taking one final look at the apartment. Grabbing my duffle bag on the way out, I lock the door making sure to tuck to key safely under the mat.
Pulling my hood tightly up and over my sunken features I cross the road and make the quick two-minute journey to the bus stop. Across from and barely in the distance, a bus slows to a stop on the opposite side of the road. A familiar blonde figure emerges. My heart sinks as they start the short journey to our, I mean their apartment. My eyes follow the blondes every step, making me question every recent decision I've ever made.
"Are you getting on or not? I've not got all day you know". I'm pulled out of my trance by a deep, husky voice. I look up to see a rather large, unhappy looking bus driver, staring down at me and tapping his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel in front of him.
"Y-Yes. Sorry" I quietly reply before hurriedly climbing aboard the bus and paying my fare. Keeping my eyes plastered to the floor I make my way towards an empty seat near the back of the bus before looking out of the window, my eyes frantically searching for the blonde. I quickly find her, my gaze firmly fixated on Brittany until the bus pulls her out of sight. Quickly disappearing in-front of my eyes, like we're two ships passing in the night. Returning my eyes forwards I pull the now crumpled con list out of my sweats. I flatten out the paper before momentarily scanning the list. As I turn it I re-read my scribble that fills the page.
'PRO: BRITTANY'
So...I've finally finished my first ever fic! I did originally plan to have this updated a months ago, but I wasn't fully happy with it. It's not perfect, there are little imperfections here and there, but this is about the 7th different (and best imo) ending I've written so let me know what you guys think.
I have got a basic idea of where I would take this fic, so if you guys want to a sequel let me know! If not, I feel like this is a good place to stop.
I hope you've enjoyed the ride, and I'll hopefully see you on a future fic!
...also now I've finally finished this fic, I'm going to be turning my attention back to my GATBSL fic, so keep an eye out for a update on there in the (hopefully) not too distant future!