A/N: This is an extra-long chapter because why not. Let me know what you think :)

Chapter 5

Addison stood at the podium, eyes looking straight ahead, and emotions reigned in with indifference. Look at how self-disciplined I am, Bizzy. Aren't you proud? Addison thought as she looked over the crowd that had gathered for her mother.

Derek looked at her from the front family pew, trying to catch her eye so that he could give her an encouraging nod, but by then, she was staring down at her eulogy.

Addison cleared her throat and straightened her papers before beginning. "My mother told us that we should never cry in public. The Forbses didn't do that. If we needed to shed tears, it should be in the privacy of one's own home. Even better, in the privacy of our own room. I'm going to do my best to honor that today." She paused and found Derek's eyes for just a moment before she flitted them back down to her paper.

"In her 62 years, Bizzy taught me and my brother a lot of things. For as long as I can remember, she always told us never to settle for second best. It wasn't enough to be good at something. We had to be standouts at whatever we did. Bizzy didn't believe that every camper should get a feather. My mother threw herself into everything. She did more volunteer work than anyone I know. She was also a leading member of Greenwich Society. She was president of the junior league for almost 20 years. She also ran the Chamber of Commerce Book Sale every year. But even though her volunteer duties kept her extremely busy, she always had time for her family." Addison glanced up to find the knowing look on all her friends' faces that Bizzy had in fact not made time for her family. The Captain gave her a small smile in appreciation for still doing the family's due diligence of preserving their reputation.

"She was also very good at sports," she continued. "She held the state high school record for the 50-yard backstroke. That record was only recently broken this year. My mother was a woman who believed in accomplishment above all else. I think she remained true to that belief until the day she died."

Addison raised her head high and gathered the eulogy script before adding, "May she rest in peace." She then stepped down to resume her spot next to Derek on the pew.

Her friends and family exchanged looks but said nothing when the preacher took his place at the podium again.

The Captain looked at her as if he wanted to say something, but his eyes were swimming from the liquor and whatever else he had ingested to get through the day and she could tell he had thought better of it.

See, Bizzy? I'm even stronger than the Captain. Addison thought bitterly.

The day had gone by slow, but people had finally dispersed from the Forbes-Montgomery home. Her friends who had flown in were the only ones left, seeing as Archer insisted that they stay at the house instead of a hotel.

Amelia, Naomi, Sam, and Nancy sat in the living room, warming themselves by the large fireplace. The room was dark and foreboding with its high ceilings and mahogany wood columns. The shadows of the flames flickered along the walls and emitted a yellow glow around the group.

"So, are we going to talk about what's going on with Addison?" Amelia scooted up in her chair to sit on her legs, giving her an almost child-like appearance.

"Bizzy just died," Sam sighed. "Of course Addie's acting a little off. I mean, she's the one who found her."

"Yeah, but you don't lose that much weight overnight," Naomi keyed in, cocking her eyebrow when Sam gave her a challenging look. "What? You don't!"

"She's in mourning. And need I remind you; Derek and she are separated. Or not separated. Whatever their situationship is," he shrugged.

Amelia waved her coffee mug around. "I just find it very strange that she came to this…" She looked around the room with a shudder. "-creepy house to stay with her mother? We all knew Bizzy enough to know that doesn't track."

Nancy rolled her eyes at her younger sister. "Oh, please, Amelia. You're all about the theatrics. They clearly had a fight or something. Frankly, I wouldn't want to go back to the townhome either."

"I don't know, but that whole Bizzy persona is freaking me out," Naomi crossed her arms. "She's like a W.A.S.P. robot."

"It's just her way of coping," Nancy offered.

"Wow, I'll have to give Kathleen a call and let her know there's another therapist in the family," Amelia said before smirking at Nancy.

"Shh, here they come," Naomi whispered urgently and fanned her hands to quiet everyone.

Addison appeared from the dark hallway; Derek close behind her.

"You don't have to stop talking every time I walk into the room, you know," Addison said in an even tone.

"Oh, please, you're not that special. 'View must be nice from up there on your high horse though," Archer joked as he strolled in behind them, carrying three drinks masterfully.

Addison rolled her eyes but looked gratefully at the drinks. "I'll take one of those." She plucked the glass that was nudged in the crook of Archer's arm out and took a generous gulp.

She sat down next to Amelia and Derek sat across from them in an armchair.

"Where's the Captain?" Derek asked, accepting a glass from Archer, and nursing it slowly.

"Probably halfway through another Blanton's bottle," Archer mused.

"Can we not?" Addison said, exasperated.

"What? You saw him earlier." Archer laughed and shook his head. "He was piss drunk."

Addison was acutely aware of their friends seeing into this new window of her and her brother's life before they met them. She was painfully aware of how dysfunctional and cold they appeared to people like the Shepherds. Hell, it wasn't an appearance; they were dysfunctional and cold.

Before Addison could respond to her brother, someone's cellphone went off and everyone scrambled to see if it was theirs.

Derek checked his phone and stood up quickly. "Excuse me," he said before disappearing down the hallway.

Everyone exchanged a knowing look while Addison studied the condensation on her glass, feeling their eyes on her. An uncomfortable silence settled in the room.

Several minutes had passed before Amelia burst out, "I can't believe he screwed that intern. He doesn't even have a thing for blondes."

"Amelia!" Nancy scolded and looked at Addison apologetically. "Addie-"

"No, no. It's fine," Addison raised her hands up in surrender.

"I'm only saying what everyone else is thinking," Amelia said, trying to support Addison in her Amelia way.

"I guess it had to be said at some point," Addison said with a sad smile to ease the tension. "I'm sure his girlfriend just wanted to call and say goodnight."

"Well, how about some surgery talk? I have a case I'm completely stumped on," Sam cut in.

"Let's see it," Addison said, relieved for the digression from her marriage.

Derek looked over his shoulder before opening the front door and he stepped onto the porch, immediately feeling the bite in the air.

"Hey, I can't talk long," he spoke, watching his cloud of breath dissipate in the air.

"How is she?" Meredith cut to the chase.

Derek shifted from one foot to the other and stuffed his free hand in his pocket. "She's Addison." Also, possessed by her mother, Bizzy, he added in his mind as an after-thought.

"I don't know what that means, Derek," Meredith stated, frustration laced in her voice.

"It means it's complicated," was all Derek could give her.

A few seconds passed and Derek knew Meredith was trying to decide if she wanted to push him more on the subject. "Are you coming back on Monday?" She asked instead.

"I'm planning on being back Tuesday if the weather permits," he responded as he looked over his shoulder again, expecting to find any one of their friends peering through the window, or even Addison herself.

Derek could hear Meredith coming through the static again. "You're going to stay with her, aren't you?" She asked.

"At her parent's house? Yes," He responded.

"No, I mean, you're going to stay in your marriage," she stated matter-of-factly.

Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I told her I would try. I owe her that much."

"You don't owe her anything. This is your decision. You get a choice, Derek, despite what happened with her mother. You still get to choose."

"She's my wife, Mer. I made vows and I have to honor those."

"She didn't honor her end of the bargain. You don't have to do anything," Meredith argued.

Derek let a few seconds pass, weighing his responses carefully. "Our marriage is complicated. We have issues in it, and I know that, but love does live here. I have to try. I'm sorry I've put you in the middle of all this. It isn't fair to you."

He heard Meredith let out an even breath. "I can't promise I'll be here if things don't work out with you two."

"I wouldn't ask that of you, nor would I expect it. I'm just sorry," he offered honestly.

There was silence and he could tell she was accepting his admission and then she hung up.

When Derek reentered the living room, everyone looked up suspiciously. They knew who was on the other end of that line and he looked over to Addison, ashamed for having put her in that position in front of their friends and family.

But she didn't look angry. Her reading glasses rested low on her nose, and she was studying him carefully over the rim of her glasses with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Come over here," Amelia beckoned from her new spot on the floor. A ring of papers surrounded her. "We're reviewing Sam's case and we need your brain."

Derek smiled at her gratefully. She was somehow always able to break the tension with her unperturbed way and he could always talk medical.

It was late when everyone had gone to bed. Derek had gone up earlier in the night and Addison found herself alone in the living room feeling restless.

She wandered quietly through the house until she had reached the back door, swinging a wine bottle precariously. She threw her coat and boots on, wrapping up tightly before she stepped outside. It was the first time she felt like she could breathe all day, even if it meant she had to be chilled to the bone.

A fire roared and crackled in the pit that was just off the walking path. She meandered over to it, taking her time, and relishing the silence after being surrounded by people all day. She took a long sip of the red wine straight from the bottle, feeling it warm her from inside out and comforting her with a welcomed intoxication.

She stuck the bottle out in front of her and squinted one eye at it. "You might be the only thing that has never left me or let me down." She laughed to herself and took another sip before collapsing on the couch. The layer of snow soaked through her clothes, but she was blissfully unaware from the drunken haze she now found herself in.

"I thought I might find you out here," someone said from behind her.

She popped her head up to find who the voice belonged to.

Derek strode over and sat down next to her, shivering as he made contact with the blanket of snow. "May I?" He asked, gesturing for the wine.

She cocked an eyebrow and gingerly handed it over. "I thought I would be safe out here from prying eyes," she noted and surprised herself by slurring her words a bit.

"I think you've had enough," Derek said and stowed the bottle in the inside pocket of his coat after a quick sip himself.

"Well, I think it's not up to you to decide when I've had enough." Addison reached for the bottle, swaying slightly.

"Come on, Addie. It's freezing out here and I think we both have had enough. Let's go take a hot shower and lie down."

"I'm not ready to go up. Let's just finish the bottle." She grabbed at the lapel of his coat, but he batted her hand away.

"You drink anymore, and I'll have to hold your hair." He smirked and bumped shoulders with her. "C'mon. A shower sounds so nice after this Connecticut cold. I forgot how it felt out here in the winter." He looked at her, expecting a smile, but she looked like she was somewhere far away from him now.

He bumped her shoulder again, until she registered that he had said something. "Where'd you go just now?" He asked, almost scared to hear her answer.

She stared at the fire and followed a little ember as it floated up into the night sky and died out. "I can't take a shower, Derek."

There was silence as he tried to work out what she meant by that. "What do you mean?" He asked finally.

"I can't- there's the um…I can't…look… at myself. And I can't let you see me like this either."

Derek took her hands in his, rubbing his thumb over the grooves and arches in her knuckles. "Addie, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and that won't change. I can help you. We'll do this together."

"It will, Derek. It'll change everything…because of that," she pointed at his face. "The way you're looking at me right now. I can't have you looking at me like that forever. If you see me, you'll never unsee me like this. And especially after you've been with Meredith. I couldn't compete with that before, and I definitely can't now."

He brushed a loose strand of hair out of her face. "Addison, I can't be stoic like you. I hurt when I see you hurt. So, I can't say I won't react, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that you're always the most beautiful woman in the room and always will be. Meredith or no Meredith, you've had my heart since the day I met you in med school. There's no competition."

"Except when she calls you on the day of my mother's funeral," Addison mumbled, eyeing him.

"I shouldn't have done that," Derek said. "I was tactless in my timing and I'm sorry. But you should know, I told her I'm fighting for this marriage. I told her I'm not leaving you."

Addison stared at him, and he couldn't figure out what she was thinking.

He looked down at their intwined fingers. "Honey, I'm trying to understand the pain you're in, but the magnitude of it… I'm scared, Addison. You scare me with how you're trying to handle everything on your own. No one would be able to handle what you've been through." The fire popped and crackled when he paused. "Share some of that burden with me. Let me help you. Please."

Addison blinked at him, having a silent debate in her mind. She finally stood. She had a look of determination in her eyes, and she held out her trembling hand to Derek.

He stood and placed his hand in hers. "Okay, then," he whispered.

They walked back into the house without saying a word and climbed the stairs to her bedroom without losing their grip on one another.

When they reached the bathroom, she stepped in front of him with her back facing him and let him unzip her dress. It fell into a puddle at her ankles, and she stepped out of it before rolling her pantyhose off. Derek pulled his shirt over his head and stripped down himself, eyes glued to her the whole time. He missed this intimacy – the intense and overwhelming intimacy that he shared with Addison and Addison alone. They fought hard, but they loved harder, and he could feel the buried passion resurfacing as his resentment settled.

Addison was fully exposed in front of Derek for the first time in a long time and she fought the urge to cover herself with everything in her. She could feel the tears welling up when his eyes fell on the bruises scattered across her body and she let them roll down her cheeks as his eyes scanned a rib cage he had never seen before and hipbones that were more pronounced than he had ever seen them.

He ran a hand down his face, trying to clear his eyes from tears. He took several steps forward and wrapped her in an embrace. "I love you so much, Addie," he whispered into her hair.

She buried her face in the crook of his shoulder and let the tears fall freely.

He lifted her chin so that she would meet him halfway and he kissed her deeply, only stopping momentarily to turn on the shower head. He stepped into the shower and held his hand out for her to join him. She took his hand and the two of them were submerged in a welcomed warmth together.

He held her close to him and kissed her more deeply than before, trying to convey his love for her because words wouldn't do her justice in this moment. He wanted her to feel their connection.

Water flowed over and between them, and they finally broke apart for air.

"I'm so sorry for everything," Addison said quietly, letting the words get lost in the water. "You don't know how sorry I am."

He uncapped the body wash and squirted a generous amount into his hands. "I'm sorry too. We both hurt each other, but I continued to hurt you. That wasn't right. That wasn't fair to you." He lathered the soap and worked it into her shoulders before moving down her arms and back up.

"I just want to be Derek and Addison again. What I did- Derek, what are you doing?" She asked when he moved down her arms and back up again, tantalizingly slow. She watched him smile as he applied pressure, massaging, and washing her at the same time, careful to move around the bruises.

"Is this okay?" He asked.

She looked up at him through the water raining down on them and nodded silently. His touch was so different, so attentive. They could have fun, quick sex that was always followed by lots of laughter, but she hadn't seen this side of him in what felt like years. He could be intense in bed when he wanted to be, and she missed how she used to feel in those moments.

But this would pass, she decided. He was concerned about her and trying to comfort her in the best way he knew how, and she recognized that for what it was. This was pity, or maybe the feelings were real, but they stemmed from guilt and not from love.

His hands grazed the sides of her breasts, and she suddenly could see the tanned man in front of her, gripping her and consuming her body like a python. Her throat closed as though she was being suffocated. She tried to push the thoughts away and savor this rare moment of forgiveness and kindness from Derek.

Her mind liked to conjur up images of what that man had done to her, but the logical side of her knew she was unconscious the whole time and it haunted her to know he had done things that she would never know about. It especially haunted her at night when her unconscious mind had full control and in moments of intimacy like this. It was cruel of her mind to blur the line between Derek and that man.

Derek broke her train of thought by peppering kisses along her collarbone and neck.

The suffocating feeling squeezed tighter around her neck, and she stepped out of the stream of water into the cold corner of the shower, causing him to shoot his head up with a worried look plastered on his face. "Derek, I'm not- I'm not ready-"

"No, I know that. I'm so sorry. I just- I don't know, I want to be close to you. I didn't mean to imply..." He fell short, finding himself at a loss for words.

Addison gave him a small smile, filling in the gaps in her mind. She took a step forward, feeling the relief of warm water again. She gingerly placed her hands on his chest, feeling his heart thud against her palms. She studied her hands and her wedding bands sparkled brilliantly back at her. "Okay," she whispered.

He ran his fingers through her red tresses, admiring her for the first time in a long time. "You're so beautiful, Addison."

She raised an eyebrow and her smile stretched further. "Don't patronize me, McDreamy."

Derek laughed at his Seattle Grace nickname. "I'm not patronizing you." He uncapped the shampoo bottle and dispensed it right on top of her head.

She surprised herself when a laugh escaped from the cold sensation, and she opened her eyes to watch him carefully massage the soap into her scalp.

"Give me that," She grabbed the bottle out of his hands and squirted the soap into his hair. It dripped down his face and he narrowed his eyes playfully at her.

He launched towards her, making a mess of her hair and she was quick to return the favor. They both scrubbed at each other, getting tangled together and laughing.

Addison took a step closer and slipped on the soapy shower floor. Derek grabbed her waist, holding her up before she fell.

"Tssss," She hissed in pain and hunched over when his fingers came into contact with a nasty bruise on her side.

"Shit, Addison, I'm so sorry." Derek let go of her and stepped back until he was outside the stream of water, putting some distance between them.

"It's okay," she stood up straight and rubbed at the bruise gently. "Really, it's okay, but I think that concludes the hot, steamy, not-shower-sex."

Derek smiled sheepishly and turned the shower handle until the water halted with a squeal. He opened the door and pulled two towels off the rack and then handed one to Addison.

After they both dried off, they tiptoed into the bedroom. Derek retrieved a T-shirt and sweatpants from his suit case, dressing quickly.

Addison picked up her matching silk set and held it up, grimacing. She turned to Derek, only to find him already giving her a knowing look. "Can I borrow-"

Derek smirked and tossed her one of his T-shirts that dwarfed her. She held it close to her, inhaling deeply before putting it on.

He climbed into bed and patted the spot next to him. Addison joined him and he wrapped his arm around her small frame. "Tomorrow is going to be hard," he acknowledged.

"Yes, it will be." She agreed without looking up at him.

"Whenever you feel ready, you know you can talk to me, right?" He looked down at her and rested his cheek against her wet hair.

He felt her head move as she nodded.

He let some time pass before he spoke again. "You should get some sleep."

"I keep having bad dreams," she admitted quietly.

"I'll hold you until you fall asleep, and I'll wake you if you have one," he promised.

She didn't say anything, so he scooted down until they were at eye level. He fluffed the pillow behind her head and drew the blankets up once she had laid down. He leaned over her to turn off the lamp and then curled his body against hers in the dark.

He thought she had already fallen asleep when he heard the faintest whisper. "I know you'll always love her. But I'll always love you." And then she relinquished to sleep.

Ch.6 coming soon.