Most of these oneshots take place about a month apart from one another. So this is late November, and guess what that means?
Yep, time for family drama while juggling intergalactic politics!
The song for this week is "Call Me Queen" by Citizen Queen.
Enjoy!
Story 3: Not What My Name Is: The First-Name Wager
"This," Tony said, looking around, "might literally be the worst idea I've ever had."
"And you peed in a suit in front of a hundred people," Pepper said, raising an eyebrow.
Tony turned to her. "Am I ever going to live that down?"
"It's not likely," she told him.
Tony sighed.
On paper, it had seemed like a good plan. The Avengers and Asgard were almost completely aligned on the process of getting the Avengers Asgardian citizenship — contingent upon the UN and various world nations agreeing to the plan. (If they didn't, and if nobody signed on once the Avengers were no longer citizens of the Earth, it would be pretty pointless.) There were about a million tiny details to hammer out between them, but this agreement impacted more than just the current Avengers roster.
And so, in a stroke of killing-two-diplomatic-birds-with-one-stone insight, Tony had decided to invite literally everybody to the Compound for Thanksgiving.
The Avengers would all be attending, of course — including the unofficial Avengers like the Maximoff twins and Bucky Barnes. And, for once, Sam was not going to his family's for the holiday.
T'Challa was bringing his sister Shuri along partially so she could get some more practice interacting with outsiders and partially to compare technology with Tony.
Scott Lang, Ant-Man from San Francisco, had been invited along with his ex-wife and his daughter, since the citizenship offer was open to him as another potential ally.
Nick Fury was already here, along with Maria Hill and Sharon Carter, for SHIELD spy reasons.
May and Peter were also invited, because Thanksgiving was for family and also for the fact of Peter's soon-to-be Asgardian citizenship (and if Loki didn't offer it to May, too, Tony was going to hit him with a turkey leg).
The Bartons were coming; even though Clint was inching closer and closer to retirement, between the outstanding boon owed to him and the fact that he still did want an out for his family if things went south, he had every reason to be invested.
Odin had said he would attend, though Loki had sent his regrets. Actually, Tony understood that. Not everybody was on board with the villain from 2012 yet, and this was a time to broker an alliance, not test loyalties.
And four of Thor's friends would be Bifrost-ing down from Asgard along with him. Tony privately wondered if that was just another reason for Loki not to come — he knew that they didn't all get along well, either.
It was going to be a full house, and no matter how many parties Tony had thrown, this one was shaping up to be something else altogether. Sure, he (Pepper) had coordinated events with thousands of high-ranking people, but they weren't all high-ranking enhanced people and superheroes mixed amongst a bunch of civilians.
And, of course, the entire thing had to be kept utterly, totally secret. Nat had already banished that one mole at the Compound who kept reporting on them to Secretary Ross, and the other Ross, the good one, had declined on account of trying to keep his head down, but he was running interference for them with NATO and the CIA anyway. Other SHIELD agents on site had been hand-picked personally by the withering combination of Fury, Nat, Clint, and Hill — and those who passed muster might end up like consulate staff at an embassy.
Of course, part of that depended on how well they kept secrets.
Officially, the reason Peter was included on the Asgardian citizenship list had to do with his experience with the Mind Stone and, peripherally, the fact that Tony was his secondary legal guardian. SHIELD had a lot of information about both of those things, as much as it galled Tony that they did. But that was better than the same number of people knowing the kid was Spider-Man. It was going to be critical that they keep it that way as long as possible. Maybe even until Peter was a legal adult. The more they could do to keep Spider-Man separate from Peter on every official radar, the better.
The whole event had seemed like a great plan until Tony was faced with two truths.
First, he was kind of spoiling their traditional Thanksgiving that included only the family they had built.
Second, how did you feed this many disparate people, and where did you host them without some lucky person with a smartphone leaking something that went viral on the internet by nightfall?
The first of those problems was solved when everybody, and especially Peter, told Tony that it was fine. That the efforts to build cooperation and consensus was important and worth the interruption to their holiday. Peter decided that meant that the whole group would hang out on Black Friday instead, watching movies and eating leftovers.
For the second, Tony cleared out one of the big training rooms at the Compound. The training rooms were attached to locker rooms (with restrooms), had no windows (since nobody wanted to chase an errant Captain America shield out one), and had very carefully controlled access. The downside to the plan was that the Compound kitchens were absolutely nowhere near the training room he'd chosen, so Tony spent the week before Thanksgiving basically remodeling an adjacent area into a galley kitchen.
Also, just for Peter, he'd made sure that there was a projector hooked up in one corner so that JARVIS could display the parade and the dog show.
Arrivals of the guests began that morning, and as host, Tony was front and center for greetings and introductions. On the plus side, he was joined in that capacity by Cap, who looked twice as uncomfortable as Tony. Clint had teamed up with his wife, Sam, Wanda, and Bruce to coordinate the food (a mix of homemade and catered), with Pietro literally running interference at superspeed. Peter and May were keeping the other kids somewhat contained and entertained. And everybody else was basically milling around the long tables making small talk while Pepper and, surprisingly, Vision, did last-minute decorating, adding flourishes and perfectly placing dishes as they came out of the kitchen.
For the most part, things were going smoothly. The Avengers operated like a well-oiled machine in the chaos, and the local guests, in the sense of being from the same continent, were fitting in fairly well.
The day's real adventures would begin when the Wakandans and the Asgardians arrived.
But Tony was ready for that. He had his political game face on, he had JARVIS in his pocket to remind him to not push buttons today, and he had Pepper one one side and Peter on the other to remind him to be his best self. He was ready for anything from a dramatic reaction to the food to an interplanetary incident.
However, Tony was not ready for shouting to erupt from the kitchen an hour before the meal was to be served.
"SINCE WHEN?"
He looked up in time to see Peter running out of the kitchen looking exactly like a puppy who got caught stealing food from the table.
Tony immediately started in his direction, as did pretty much everyone else.
"What?" Nat asked when he caught her eye. "We're all curious."
"And hungry," Fury put in, being particularly unhelpful. Actually, Fury was in a fine mood because, for once, he wasn't in charge of this particular issue. And it had passed so far beyond ridiculous that he was pretty much just along for the ride now and enjoying the show.
"Pete, everything all right?" Tony called.
"Fine!" He yelled back a little too quickly.
He met May who had stepped out of the kitchen shortly thereafter, and she was laughing so hard she was weeping. Tony actually caught her shoulder to steady her.
"You okay there, Parker?" he asked.
May nodded and wiped at her face.
Before anyone could cross the threshold, Pietro popped up at the door. "Not allowed," he said, and he was laughing, too. It had been a fair-sized conference room before its makeover, but it was still a fairly small room. And there were a lot of people trying to get in there.
"In my own Compound? In the kitchen I built for this very occasion this week?" Tony asked, pretending to be affronted.
"The old man says nobody goes into the kitchen who isn't on the approved list. Most of you aren't approved."
"Hey! Knock it off with that old man thing!" Clint yelled from behind him.
"There's a loophole somewhere," Pepper said, "because May is definitely not on the approved list and she was just here."
"Just tell us what all the yelling is about," Steve said.
"Preferably before we start breaking through the front security," Barnes added.
Tony snorted.
Clint shouted something in a language that Tony guessed was Sokovian and stormed past Pietro, waving a dangerous-looking meat fork at the stampede gathered at the door.
"If I tell you why I'm ticked off, will you all go away? This is a critical time."
"Or take him with you!" Sam popped his head through the doorway. "There isn't really room for two birds in here, and that one's not even a real bird. He's more like a porcupine just stabbing people with his little pointy bits."
"If you two don't stop ranting about birds," Wanda could be heard seething, "I will turn your plates of food to ruins today and for as long as you have leftovers."
"Yikes," Scott said. He was shifting from foot to foot. "You guys are...a lot. You know that?"
"Welcome to the madness," Pepper told him.
"Look, it's very simple, like you, Sam!" Clint called over his shoulder. "We have all been betrayed."
"Hmm, sounds serious," Nat said.
"It is." Clint crossed his arms and didn't, somehow, stab himself in the nose with the fork. "That precious child over there," he pointed at Peter, "stepped into my kitchen — "
"Ain't yours until you win a one-on-one chef battle, birdboy wannabe!" Sam interrupted.
"And said, and I quote," Clint valiantly ignored Sam, "'Pepper told me to tell you that there's an extra box of stuff with Tony's name on it and not to lose it because it's for him to take back to Queens.'"
Tony didn't get it, but Rhodey rocked back. "Peter? Peter called them 'Tony' and 'Pepper?'"
Of all the tactical errors Tony had feared for today, this wasn't one of them.
"Peter!" Nat didn't shout, but she certainly made herself heard. "Is that true?"
Peter came shuffling towards the crowd. Hilariously, Lila Barton was walking in front of him as if she could protect him at her full twelve years old height.
"It's not a big deal," he said, not meeting anyone's eyes and probably wishing he could sink into the floor. Or, alternatively, wishing he hadn't missed so many movie nights in favor of being Spider-Man lately so this revelation could have happened in less complicated surroundings.
"It is absolutely a big deal," Clint said. "Have we not all been bugging you to drop that 'mister' stuff for literal years?"
"I am his actual uncle," Rhodey griped.
"Actually not," Tony said, elbowing him.
"And I am done being Captain Rogers," Steve said.
But Bucky blinked. "How come you started calling me Bucky, then?" he asked.
If anything, Peter looked more uncomfortable. "I mean...because it helped?"
May had finally composed herself and actually stepped in to his rescue. "We had a conversation not long ago after Pepper mentioned to me that you didn't like being called 'sergeant' because it reminded you of things that were difficult."
Peter shrugged as all eyes turned back to him.
"In point of fact," Vision said, "he has never called me 'mister' since my birth."
"Well, yeah, but you're different," Peter said. "You're, like, one third younger than me, one third JARVIS who I don't need to call mister, and one third the Mind Stone which…" He waved a hand. "So it didn't make sense."
"And me?" Pietro asked.
"You and Wanda are more like Ned's cousins than adults, I guess?"
"How'd you do it, Tony?" Steve asked.
"I didn't do anything," Tony said, honestly. "It's Peter's choice. And it still is," he warned the rest. "Now, leave the kid alone. We're about to get two kinds of royalty arriving and we need to at least make some attempt not to screw up before they've even sat down."
The only people who wandered away were Scott and his family, Peter and Lila, May, Vision, and Pepper. Everybody else stayed.
Nat looked Clint in the eye. "Care for a game?"
"It is on, Romanoff," he said, grinning.
"I'll play," Steve said, also grinning. "What are the stakes?"
"I am not betting any money with you sharks," Sam said, reappearing once more.
"Not money." Nat made a lazy, knowing smile. "Whoever gets Peter to call them by their first name by the end of the day wins first crack at claiming unlimited leftovers."
"Oh my god." Tony covered his face with his hands. "Do we have to do this now when we're about to play a much bigger and more important game?"
"It'll keep things interesting," Bucky said.
"We don't need interesting today! We need boring and agreeable!"
"JARVIS," Steve asked, ignoring Tony with what looked like glee, "can you confirm all the people Peter currently doesn't call by their first name?"
"Certainly, captain. That list includes yourself, Colonel Rhodes, Doctor Banner, Miss Romanoff, Mister Wilson, Prince Thor, Mister and Missus Barton, Mister and Miss Lang, Director Fury, and Agents Hill and Carter. If I may speculate, I would presume that the pattern will hold for our arriving Wakandan guests as well as our Asgardian allies."
"You could leave the kid alone," Laura Barton said, elbowing her way past Clint. "Let him come around in his own time, maybe."
"Yeah," Clint said, "but this is more fun."
Tony sighed. "Any of you hurts the kid's feelings and you answer to me and May and probably Loki, just so we're clear."
"And," Fury put in, "try not to wreck our relationships with Wakanda or Asgard while you're at it."
"First one to first name," Rhodey said, and he looked more invested than Tony would have expected — except how he was dead serious about that uncle thing, Tony knew — "with leftovers on the line. Maybe if you're nice to me, I'll leave the rest of you a slice of pie to share."
Clint opened his mouth and Laura literally grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him backwards. "Trash talk later. Cook now."
"I am going to do that from now on every time he's annoying," Sam vowed.
"I will shoot you out of the sky the next time we run a scenario, don't think I won't," Clint replied.
"This is a nightmare," Tony said.
Of all people, Maria Hill gave him a sympathetic look. "Are you really that surprised?"
"After the last few years?" He shook his head. "Not anymore."
-==OOO==-
Peter would rather have been hanging off the side of a plane fighting Adrian Toomes again than what this Thanksgiving had turned into. Sure, that would have been deadly and unpredictable, but at least there were fewer people ambushing him at every turn!
Super hearing meant Peter heard every word of the bet being made at his expense, and he promised himself to make sure they all lost just to show that he wasn't a kid they could play with like a toy. And he appreciated that Tony tried to call them off, even if it didn't work. But Peter was simply not prepared for the absolute seriousness with which the players in the so-called game were taking things.
It began almost right away when Colonel Rhodes came over and plopped himself down on one of the chairs gathered around the projected dog show.
"Hey kids," he said, pretending to be a lot more chill than he really was. "How's it going?"
"Can I ask you why you have those neat things on your legs?" Cassie Lang inched close, not quite touching the braces. "Mom said I have to be polite today, so I tried to ask you really politely."
Colonel Rhodes chuckled. "Mission accomplished, then. I'll be sure and tell her that you were perfect."
Cassie beamed, and Peter smiled, too. He was still the oldest by a good margin except for Cooper, but these kids were very much his responsibility today. And not just in a keep-them-out-of-trouble way, either. Non-corporeal Loki had dropped by to warn Peter about Thor's friends yesterday, and said that they were prone to being very loud, very quick to show off battle skills, and very unaware of their own strength or others' lack thereof.
Peter wasn't too worried about all the politics stuff since everybody here was on the same side, but that didn't mean an Asgardian wouldn't stand up to show off an axe and swing it too close to a helpless kid. Peter figured his job was to make certain that everybody smaller than him was safe, no matter what.
It helped that he knew Cooper was also keeping an eye out too, even without superpowers, and that this new little girl was pretty cute. And she was just as happy to watch the dog show as Peter was, so they had plenty to bond over.
"I got hurt a few months ago," Colonel Rhodes was saying, looking Cassie in the eye. "It made it hard for me to walk around. So my friend Tony built these for me to make it easier."
"Do they hurt?" Cassie wanted to know.
"Not really. But they're not comfortable, either."
"Oh." Cassie reached across the chairs for one of the blankets piled nearby. "Will a blanket help?" She tucked him in with care.
Colonel Rhodes smiled. "Thanks. I'm sure it will help a lot."
Peter considered the braces. "It can't be lack of padding, because there's no way Tony didn't try to make them cushioned for you. Something to do with rigidity, maybe?"
Colonel Rhodes looked over at him. "How'd you go from 'Mister Stark' to 'Tony' all of a sudden?"
Peter shook his head. "You all are obsessed. It's super weird."
He laughed. "Honestly, I didn't know if you'd get to this point before you graduated college. What brought it on?"
"I dunno." Peter shrugged. "The first time, it kind of slipped out. But, after that, it just seemed okay. Like...it was never about being family. It was something else. And that changed, I guess."
Peter appreciated that Colonel Rhodes was taking him seriously. "Well. For reasons I won't bother to mention, you're standing on a new level now, Peter. If that's what it took to get you comfortable, then I'm glad. I just wish you'd do the same for the rest of us."
Peter groaned at him. "Just for that, I'm not calling anybody by their first name today."
"You heard us?" Colonel Rhodes shook his head. "Forgot you've got sharp ears." He sighed. "Well, I tried. Cassie, how about you catch me up on the dogs. Which one is your favorite in this group?"
Peter let himself relax. He knew Colonel Rhodes pretty well, and figured that if the man gave in that easily, he wasn't intending to cause too much trouble. Which, in itself, might be a way of trying to get Peter to choose him as the winner. At least that was kind of nice.
But Peter wasn't so easily won over.
He had a few minutes of peace before he spotted Captain Rogers and Miss Romanoff heading his way. But before he could think up a way to escape, JARVIS spoke.
"The Wakandan delegation has arrived."
Immediately, the pair of them veered away to go meet the guests outside and escort them in. Peter was half-tempted to follow them because he was really curious about what kind of plane or helicopter the Wakandans used given what little he'd seen of their tech so far, but that meant opening himself up to other things, so he stayed put.
Peter almost didn't notice Director Fury making his way over, but even the best spy ever was no match for enhanced senses.
"Hey, I'll be right back," Peter said to Cassie, nodding at Cooper and Lila on his way. They, at least, knew enough about Avengers stuff to understand. Vision had drifted to join them at some point and was entertaining Nathaniel — and wasn't that a sight? — so Peter felt okay wandering off.
"Mister Parker," Director Fury said, as if they met along the side of the room by accident. "Quite a year you've had, isn't it?"
Peter knew that the director was aware of his identity as Spider-Man, and he didn't completely hate it because Director Fury was kind of a cool guy who had taught him to play ping pong at one point, so he smiled. "I guess."
"You know, if you wanted to stay under the radar, blue and red aren't exactly the right colors for it." The director smirked. "But then, Stark introduced himself to the world in red and gold. I guess it runs in the family."
Peter was just glad he didn't say Spider-Man was copying Captain America's colors. Captain Rogers had already tried that joke and Tony nearly threw him out a window from the Tower penthouse.
"Did you need something specific, or did you want to, like, talk fashion?" Peter asked, feeling a little daring.
If anything, Director Fury smiled more broadly. "Oh, just thought I should warn you. You know about the little wager going on, right?"
He nodded.
"Don't let Barton's buffoon act fool you. He's as skilled as Romanoff when he wants to be. The two of them are definitely your biggest threats if you want to have any say in how this ends."
Peter rubbed at his face. "I don't get why it's such a big deal," he admitted.
"Well, partly they're all using it as a distraction," Director Fury said. "Today has the potential to go a lot of ways, and sometimes we like to keep things loose with something less serious on the side. And partly, really, I think they're all trying to figure out where they rate with you."
Peter frowned. "What?"
"You're more reserved than the rest of this family in some ways, you know. Stark can't help but shout everything he thinks and feels every minute of the day, and the rest aren't much better — not counting Romanoff. You're different."
Peter swallowed, uncomfortable. "I mean, I guess."
"Whether they admit it or not, they're taking this as kind of a test to see how you really feel about them. If you've crossed this bridge you set up between others and yourself with them yet."
"They couldn't just ask?"
The director chuckled. "Now, where would be the fun in that?"
"Ugh." Peter tipped his head back so he could stare into the rafters and think about crawling up there to hide forever.
"You bothering my kid, Eyepatch?"
Peter immediately felt more at ease knowing Tony had come to get him out of this uncomfortable conversation.
"He brought this all on himself by being the way he is," Director Fury said, but it was clearly said in a good-natured way so Peter chose not to be too annoyed.
"Well, I gotta steal him." Tony put an arm around him. "Some Wakandan royals to meet."
Dread dripped into his gut. "Um, really?"
"You're going to be spending the rest of the day with them. Besides, cat fixation aside, they seem all right. Come on."
Peter let Tony steer him away from Director Fury. When they were well away from everyone else — not as helpful in a room full of people with superior hearing, but better than nothing — Tony squeezed the shoulder he gripped.
"Don't let them get to you, bud. They're just being big babies today for some reason."
Peter shrugged. He didn't know how to put words to all the reasons he found calling adults generally, and especially the Avengers, by their first names difficult. It was just...weird. Director Fury had said it had something to do with Peter being 'reserved,' and maybe that was true. But there was more to it than that. Colonel Rhodes had said that Peter was more 'on a level' with Tony now, probably because of the whole Spider-Man thing, and that was true, and it helped, but that's not what changed Peter's perspective, either.
Whatever it was, he just wasn't sure he was ready to be there yet with everybody.
But he was shaken out of thinking about it any more when Captain Rogers reentered the room with the others, leading two unfamiliar figures and King T'Challa.
"Your highness," Tony said, stepping from Peter's side to offer a handshake. "Good to see you again. Thank you for coming."
King T'Challa inclined his head. "I am honored to share your American holiday with you, Mister Stark. Please allow me to introduce my companions." He gestured to the younger of the two women. "This is my sister, Shuri."
Shuri accepted Tony's handshake, but she was peering at him with an almost skeptical expression; it reminded Peter a lot of MJ.
"So you are the best of those outside Wakanda when it comes to technology. I am not sure I am impressed yet."
Peter snorted before he could stop himself.
Tony actually grinned. "Then I look forward to receiving your feedback, Princess Shuri."
King T'Challa looked like he was torn between being proud and annoyed at his sister — Peter knew that expression since he got it a lot, too.
"And this is Okoye, ranking General of the Dora Milaje, the finest warriors and bodyguards in Wakanda."
General Okoye did not move to take Tony's hand, and he didn't seem surprised. "I'm sure this whole day is pretty high on your list of things you don't actually want your king doing," Tony told her. "I appreciate the trust you're showing us."
General Okoye blinked slowly at Tony. "We shall see if it is deserved," she said.
Tony took that in stride, which was probably good for politics but really bad for Peter because the next thing he did was turn around and gesture for Peter to step forward.
"Your Highness, you remember Peter, of course," he said.
"Of course." King T'Challa smiled and Peter didn't miss the knowing look that meant the king remembered more than Peter's name. "I had hoped we would meet again, young Peter Parker."
"Yeah, um, I mean, yes sir." He managed. "Nice to see you, too."
"Oh, brother, stop it." Princess Shuri rolled her eyes. "You are terrifying the small white boy." She turned to Peter. "Do not let him intimidate you. He has far too much fun making everyone around him uncomfortable."
"Shuri…" King T'Challa began.
"I will tell you what, brother." Shuri stepped away from the king and actually wrapped an arm around Peter's. "In the name of international diplomacy, Peter and I will swap cultural knowledge as equals. I can meet the other colonizers later."
Tony, traitorously, looked like he wanted to laugh, and only got it under control when Peter glared at him.
"Yeah, you kids go have fun. Pete, make good choices. We'll catch you at dinner time."
General Okoye said something to Princess Shuri in another language, but Princess Shuri just tugged Peter around while calling something back over her shoulder. Peter didn't know what else to do, so he gave kind of a weird wave with his free hand as a goodbye and hoped it wasn't too stupid or disrespectful.
The princess led him to where the projector was set up. Cooper and Lila were still hanging around, but Cassie was bugging her mom for a snack and Nathaniel was toddler-shuffling in circles while pulling Vision around by his pinky finger.
"Um." Peter realized Cooper and Lila were staring. "This is Cooper and Lila. They're Mister Barton's, uh, Hawkeye's kids. This, um, this is Princess Shuri. She's from Wakanda?"
"You say it like you are not sure," the princess said. "Never mind. I have a question of critical importance for all of you. It will determine if we can become even the most basic of allies."
"Oh?" Peter said, still stuck in Shuri's grip. For a princess, she sure was strong. He didn't think Tony had suggested anyone other than King T'Challa was enhanced, but maybe…
"What," Shuri asked, her face twisting in glee, "is your favorite Vine?"
Without missing a beat, Peter yelled "What are THOSE?"
Cooper and Lila both started to giggle.
Shuri patted Peter on the shoulder. "Oh, yes. We can be friends now."
"Mine, and my dad's," Cooper said, puffing up bravely, "is the one about Captain America's shield being the size of a dinner plate."
"And he is an idiot!" Lila said it with the absolutely perfect inflection and accent from the original.
From across the whole room, Peter could hear Captain Rogers groaning, "Not again."
"Excellent." Shuri nodded sagely. "I have found civilized people amidst the colonizers."
"Also, Peter?" Cooper glanced around. "You should know that dad snuck out here while you were over there and said he'd bake us an extra pie if we got you to win him their bet."
Lila smacked her brother in the arm. "Dad told us not to tell him!"
"Yeah." Cooper shrugged. "But Peter's our friend and dad's dad."
"What bet is this?" Shuri asked.
Peter extricated himself from her so he could fling himself down on the nearest soft surface in despair. "All the adults are teasing me because I finally started calling Tony 'Tony' and not the rest of them. They made a bet that whoever gets me to call them by their name first today wins all the leftovers for some reason."
Shuri frowned. "What do you call them if not by their name?"
"He calls dad 'Mister Barton,'" Cooper said.
"Hmm. And what will you call me?"
Peter flinched. "Um, I mean, you're a princess, so…"
She put her hands on her hips. "Do you actually intend to call me 'Princess Shuri' all day?"
He shrugged miserably. "I mean, that's what's polite, isn't it?"
"As much as I appreciate the intent, I would rather you drop it. I can't do memes and formality in the same conversation."
Peter was about to object, but he stopped. This was Shuri's first time here and she was surrounded by people she didn't know. She was celebrating a holiday that had nothing to do with her culture or country, and she was on her own with her brother off being politically important. And Peter couldn't see any nervousness in her, but he had a feeling she wouldn't have shown it to him.
So he just said, "Okay. But only because you asked nicely. Unlike everybody else."
He was pretty sure he didn't imagine a slight shade of relief in her eyes.
"Well." Shuri perched on the seat beside him. "I cannot help you with the frustrating adults in your life, because I am a princess and so I simply tell people to go away and they must or Okoye stabs them with her spear. But I can tell you how to handle this bet."
Peter perked up at once. "How?"
"It's very simple," she said. "Since obviously no one will let it drop until you satisfy them, you must choose someone to win. Or you will never have peace."
Peter slumped right back into his chair. "Yay."
Shuri wasn't finished, apparently. "But if I may offer some advice, I suggest you choose someone who does not want to win the bet or does not need to win the bet. That will teach them a lesson."
She had barely finished saying so when Captain Rogers walked up. "Hey, kids. How's it going?"
"Great," Peter said, heavy with sarcasm.
Because of course Captain Rogers was enhanced and was in on the bet, and so had heard their whole conversation. And couldn't just leave him alone.
"Princess, are you getting along with everyone okay?" he asked, just a little too concerned.
"I am." Shuri perked up so much Peter was sure it was an act. "As there are very few others of my own age with whom I can socialize on a regular basis, I find it entertaining to be able to relax and spend this time with my new friends and allies."
"Oh." Captain Rogers looked taken aback. "Well, that's nice."
Shuri's grin went bright and wide and Peter felt an unspoken threat hanging there. "It's very difficult to be the only young person in such gatherings, you know. So many adults watching your every move and judging your behavior even when you are attempting to do your best to honor them with your good manners."
Peter felt a thrill of vindication run through his chest. Cooper laughed and tried to cover it with a cough. Lila was grinning and it looked like Miss Romanoff when she was mad at somebody.
Captain Rogers cleared his throat, looking awkward. "I see. I guess I didn't think about the pressure of being the only young person in a group." He looked at Peter with legitimate contrition in his face. "Pete's held up so well over the years, it didn't occur to me."
"I'm sure," Shuri nearly purred, "that such an upstanding war hero as yourself has never felt out of place or as if you were a...fish out of water, is the English phrase, yes? So of course you might never notice the discomfort of the situation."
"Yes, I mean, uh, that's the right phrase," Captain Rogers said. He was backing away. Across the room, Peter could hear Bucky laughing. "Peter, we should...talk. At some point today. Not about...well, anyway. I'll go see what Bucky wants." And he retreated faster than Peter thought he ever would on a battlefield.
"And that," Shuri said, "is how one goes for the legs diplomatically."
Peter grinned. "You are a genius. And you're absolutely right."
She preened. "Of course I am. But what am I right about? How to defeat your legendary Captain America?"
"No, that we can be friends." Peter offered her a fist-bump. "Welcome to the Hero Kids Club."
The princess bumped his fist and grinned. "Excellent. Now, I heard something about a dog show? In Wakanda, we primarily honor cats, but it is always good to expand one's horizons."
-==OOO==-
To be honest, if it wasn't for the combined efforts of Nat, Sam, and Clint, Tony might have forgotten all about the wager with Peter in the middle of it. Hell, he might have forgotten literally everything except for one single fact as the day wore on:
Asgardians are annoying.
Frankly, Tony was starting to have more than a little sympathy for Loki having to deal with these people all his life. Was the whole of Asgard like this? The Warriors Three — Hogun, Fandral, and Volstagg — were like Thor on steroids. And Thor did not need to be on steroids.
Clint had said that the first SHIELD agents who had gotten a look at them had described them as Xena (Lady Sif), Jackie Chan (Hogun), and Robin Hood (Fandral). Tony was pretty sure Volstagg would have been described as Gimli if the agents had bothered to report on him. But even that was just not enough to capture their...Asgardian exuberance.
Okay, Hogun kept himself more contained, even though he was just as loud and just as much of a menace when it came to recounting epic tales at high volume. But Volstagg and Fandral were just different flavors of loud Thors. They swung their mugs of alcohol without regard for smaller people in their vicinity. They threw more than one plate to the ground before figuring out that they could just reuse it. They actually jumped over tables either to recreate the battles they were talking about or just to grab seconds and thirds. The only normal one was Lady Sif, and she was actually getting along frighteningly well with Pepper, May, Nat, and Maria Hill.
Tony wasn't actually sure what was more dangerous — the Warriors Three versus Thanksgiving, or the planet Earth faced with those women in a cohesive alliance.
And through it all, Odin just...sat there. Enjoyed the tales being told, made compliments about the food, asked after the state of the politics, and generally held court at his end of one table. As if his own people weren't getting on General Okoye's last nerve every time they jumped just a little too close to where she was eating.
"I owe Loki a commiseration fruit basket," he muttered to Pepper when she wandered by for a drink refill. "Remind me."
"We both do," she said back. "And an invite to a spa day, maybe."
Well, Loki getting his spa on was definitely an image Tony had not expected to have, ever, and he was probably never going to get rid of it. But in a day of weird, what was one more thing?
On the other hand, T'Challa was turning into a legitimate ally and Tony was not-so-secretly hoping to earn an invitation to Wakanda sometime because he was going to actually explode if he didn't get to figure out the engineering behind the kimoyo beads — and everything else they implied. But, selfish desire to get his hands on earth-shatteringly innovative tech aside, T'Challa was exactly the help they needed on the world stage to pull off this interplanetary incident.
He even offered to give the Avengers and their civilian support staff (which included families, of course) refuge in Wakanda if the Earth ever turned against Asgard or the negotiations failed spectacularly. And that was a different weight off Tony's mind, since there was always the chance Secretary Ross or his cronies could make life really uncomfortable if Asgard and the UN and then individual nations couldn't make this agreement fly. Tony didn't design anything without failsafes, backups, and redundancies. And Wakanda could serve as all three.
Anyway, all other chaos aside, the major intent for the day was met by the first round of pie. All the players, including the Langs and SHIELD, were in on the full plan regarding their political options, even if not everyone had decided if they wanted to join Team Asgard or hang out with Team Earth a while longer. Wakanda stood ready as an ally in the negotiations and in case of disaster. Thor's friends had been brought into the secret that Loki was the one ruling on Asgard — and except for a whole lot of swearing in not-English by Fandral, Volstagg throwing his axe at a wall, and Lady Sif straight-up punching Thor for lying to them (and don't think Tony didn't see May give her a high-five for it), that revelation went about as well as could be expected. Generally speaking, the stage was set.
Tony had overseen a lot of successful negotiations in his time, and this was probably one of the most important of them all.
But with all that, he still couldn't quite forget the wager going on amongst the Avengers, mainly because they didn't let him forget.
Or, rather, they didn't let Peter forget.
At dinner, Sam refused to pass dishes down the table to Peter unless he called him 'Sam' instead of 'Mister Wilson.' Which resulted in a lot of back-ups at Sam's end of the table until Bucky, who sat next to him, just started snatching stuff and handing it down anyway.
Clint, taking a different, more emotionally manipulative tactic, told stories at his own table about how SHIELD had helped him find acceptance and family, and the importance of family, and the trust that made family work, and how family didn't exist standing on formality — and, of course, his words were pitched perfectly for Peter's superior hearing.
Tony wouldn't have thought Nat was really playing at all, except that she picked up an extra plate of stuffing and brought it to Peter, showing him (and only him) something on her phone when she handed it to him. Peter's head had come up with his eyes wide and he went quiet for a while after that. Tony had known Nat more than long enough to know she had chosen a precision strike with whatever that was.
His only comfort was that it seemed Steve and Rhodey had given up on badgering the kid. In fact, Steve looked downright guilty any time Sam or Clint got in on their antics. Rhodey just shook his head and serenely ignored it all.
Finally, the end of the evening arrived. While most everyone else lingered with coffee, pie, and friendly small talk, the kids of all ages, including Vision, Wanda, and Pietro and also most of the Asgardians had left to play a round-robin Mario Kart tournament at the setup in the corner. From where he sat, Tony could tell that the Warriors Three had been banned after breaking two controllers, but they were heavily invested in the outcome. It seemed Peter and Pietro were dueling for reigning champion to a great deal of cheering.
"He is a very noble boy," Odin said, surprising Tony. He hadn't even realized the king was beside him.
"He is," Tony said, "the best of all of us. And don't think I'm not including you in that just 'cause you're immortal."
"Not immortal," Odin said, chuckling. "Just extraordinarily long-lived. But that is as it should be. All wheels must turn eventually. There cannot be true growth if the forest's oldest trees do not yield the ground to new saplings."
T'Challa, who knew about Spider-Man and had been given a very, very basic explanation about the Mind Stone, furrowed his brow. "As one who has seen many wonders, what makes one boy special?"
"It is as much what I do not perceive in him." The All-Father settled on an abandoned chair. "There are many beings who overflow with courage, or kindness, or optimism. These are the fertile grounds necessary for any soul who strives for valor. But it is what he lacks that makes him special."
"He's the most selfless kid I know," Tony said. "From the day I met him, he's tried to do good things for other people instead of himself."
"That is not always a virtue." Odin peered at Tony. "But I suppose you already know that."
Tony nodded.
"Yes, he lacks selfishness or the pride of his own ego above others', but far more striking is his lack of fear."
T'Challa tipped his head. "How do you mean?"
Tony was wondering that, too. He knew perfectly well that Pete had been afraid far too many times in his life already.
"When the boy was faced with the Mind Stone, he responded with curiosity and openness. When faced with Loki, he put aside all prejudice and approached him with sincerity. Even with the villain who tried so many times to end his life, he never grew to hate him — instead, he saved him."
Odin sat back, his single eye fixed on where Peter's entire focus was clearly on Rainbow Road.
"Many succeed at not giving in to hatred. You both have done so."
Tony swallowed, and very deliberately did not look at Barnes.
"But hatred begins from a seed of fear, always. Fear of the unknown, of that which is different, alien. Fear of the potential for harm, of threat to one's sense of self, one's power, one's comfort, even one's worldview. Fear creates walls within the soul, and those walls cause the fear to fester like mold in a dungeon."
"Peter has no fear of people," Tony said, realizing it himself. "I mean, he was scared when the Hydra guys tried to kill him, or he had to deal with bullies. But he always started from trust. With me, with Nat, even JARVIS. From the very beginning."
"And that lack of fear grows in him," Odin said. "Even if he learns someday to hate, it will never begin as so many do in fear of that which is different. He is rare, that way." He smiled at Tony. "You have done well with him."
"He started that way," Tony said. "That wasn't me."
"And it will serve him nobly," Odin said. "Heed his council when he gives it, Stark. He sees something in others that you cannot."
Before he could reply, Odin got up to speak to Thor. Tony swallowed a sudden dryness in his throat.
"Forgive me," T'Challa said, "but that felt ominous to me."
"Yeah." Tony grabbed the nearest glass of any liquid and downed it. "Me, too."
But before he could get too worked up, Thor's voice rose boomingly through the room.
"My friends! Odin has decreed that the time has come for us to return to Asgard!"
T'Challa glanced at Okoye and nodded. "We ought to return home as well. Your hospitality has been very much appreciated, but there is work to do to prepare for what is to come in only a few short months."
"Of course." Tony pulled his professionalism back on like a jacket. "I'll help you collect your sister, though we may have some trouble separating the clan of kids that's formed over there."
Which, of course, they did. Nobody wanted to leave, but a lot of hurried phone numbers exchanged and internet handles and other forms of contact later, the Wakandans returned to their impressive as crap ship and the Asgardians vanished in a rainbow shower of grass murder.
And Tony thought he could relax.
He really did.
"Okay!" That was Sam yelling when Tony got back into the converted gym. "It's just us now. Us and the Ant Family and the spies who don't count."
"I object to not counting," Fury said, raising a hand.
"I object to 'Ant Family,'" Maggie Lang said.
"Peter Benjamin Parker, front and center!" Clint called, using his best 'dad voice,' and what was Tony's life now that he knew not only how that sounded but how to do it himself?
"Guys, you are seriously the worst," Peter grumbled. But he let himself be pulled into the literal middle of the crowd anyway.
Tony made to step forward, to stop this before his kid could be embarrassed again, but Peter looked up and gave him a tiny shake of the head.
"Don't worry," Nat said, suddenly beside him. "He's got a plan."
"Oh, yeah?" he shot back. "And how much help did he have getting there?"
Nat, tellingly, didn't say anything.
"Okay, little man." Sam was peering at him. "You know you're family, right? We all tolerate you. Some of us even like you. But it's not fair for you to only give some of us the benefit of a first name. So it's time to own up, kid. No more 'mister' and 'missus.' Got me?"
"Only," Rhodey said, "if you're comfortable. If you're not, you can tell Sam here to pound sand and I'll help him do it if necessary."
"No. Uh, it's okay." Peter rubbed the back of his neck, clearly somewhat uncomfortable being the genuine center of attention. "I think...Director Fury said that it's like...like a measure of trust, right? Me being comfortable with all...this."
"Honey," May started. But Nat got to her and stopped her.
"You can trust us, Pete," Clint said, far more gently. "You're not my kid by birth, but you're our kid. You're ours. All of us."
"I know that," Peter said. And he smiled. "It's...I didn't think I'd have anybody but May, and now I have...everybody. And that's a lot."
"Your bet is stupid," Pietro said suddenly. "Makes me wonder who here are really the children and who are the adults."
"He has a point," Vision commented lightly. Wanda made a sound of agreement, leaning against him.
"But," Peter said, and he straightened his shoulders, "taking the bet in the spirit it was meant, I guess it'll never end unless I end it."
"Sadly true," Bucky Barnes said. He got elbowed by Steve and dug his metal elbow into Steve's ribs in return.
"So, I think...okay." Peter drew in a deep, deep breath. "I think I'm ready to drop the 'mister' and 'miss' and all that stuff with you. Just you!" and he turned a little red when he said it. "Not, like, everybody!"
"Go on, Peter," Pepper said, and she was smiling. "Anybody gives you grief, they answer to me. Make the choice that's right for you, sweetie."
"Okay."
"Now, remember," Clint said. "Winner gets first dibs on all the leftovers."
"And bragging rights forever," Sam added.
Peter shut his eyes, and turned within the circle.
When he opened them, he smiled.
"Thanks for being my family, Bruce."
Bruce blinked. "Uh. Me?"
Peter nodded. Then he immediately turned again. "And thanks for not being mad at me for not choosing you, Rhodey. It was kind of a toss-up."
Rhodey grinned brilliantly and gave a thumbs-up. "Perfect choice, kid."
And later, Tony would think back on all the yelling that followed with people trying to get in good with Bruce to steal his leftovers, or wanting to know why Peter chose someone who didn't care about the bet at all, or whatever.
Later he would catch Bruce accusing Nat of throwing the game in his favor and her smug smile in response.
Later he would have JARVIS save the image of Peter dodging out of a noogie from Sam and Clint combined while taunting them by finally calling them 'Sam' and 'Clint.'
But for now, Tony could only smile at just one more reason to be thankful.