Hello dear readers!

Yes, it's me. I'm really sorry for the long wait between chapters. But, some personal worries are taking a lot of my time, and I'm accumulating a lot of fatigue. So... Sorry, I'm doing my best to post as soon as possible.

I thank Pixie for always being there to correct my French mistakes.

I thank you, dear readers, for always being there.

Waiting and forgiving

"Wait a minute, will you?"

Christmas was fast approaching, and ever since Charles had proposed to Elsie, she had been running away from him. There had been no more secret meetings, no more hugs, no more kisses.

Elsie told him that she spent her free time in church, but Reverend Travis had told him that outside of Sunday mass he didn't see her.

It had been a month and a half since she'd spoken to him, and although she'd let herself drift into the comfort of his arms at first, it had been far too long since he'd had her against him and he missed her terribly...

"I've had a big day, Charles, can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"No." He took a deep breath. "You're mad at me." it wasn't a question. "You're angry with me, you run away from me, you barely speak to me. You no longer wear the brooch I gave you. So if you want to end things with me, if...tell me now."

Elsie avoided his gaze, it was hard for her. To hear Charles being so defeatist broke her heart a little more. But what to say to him? She tried her best to find the words.

"Charles, it's not that. I need time."

"Time without me?"

"You... It's all about you and your needs! "

"What? Elsie, come on. I don't understand..."

She huffed. She too was suffering from this situation, she missed Charles, but at the moment it was easier to let her anger speak.

"Forget it, Charles. " She walked to the door but he blocked her access.

"No, I'm not going to forget it. Where do you go on your half days?"

"I go to church I told you already."

"No, you don't. I spoke with Reverend Travis. Outside of mass you don't go."

"Oh, you're spying on me now?"

"No, Elsie! God... I'm worried. Is that so hard to understand? I worry about you and I miss you."

Elsie softened a little.

"The village church isn't the only church in the world, you know. I go to the Scottish church in York. I try to make myself useful in the parish."

Charles approached her gently, took her hand and she relented.

"Could I come with you? Just once?"

Elsie let go of his hand sharply.

"No. I'm going alone. I need this time alone. Leave it to me, Charles."

"All right, all right. Can we be together tonight?"

"Charles! Damn it, I tell you I need time, and you... first you propose to me and then you... If you can't control yourself, go back to the brothel! Let me pass."

Too stunned to hold her back, Charles let her out and she slammed the door.

Elsie immediately felt bad, it was a low blow, given just to hurt him and he certainly didn't deserve it.

She went upstairs to her room to bury herself under her covers for another restless night.

Charles was deeply hurt and stunned by Elsie's harsh and cruel words. He had known that she would eventually be angry, grief could provoke that emotion, he was no stranger to it, but still, he didn't know what he'd done to deserve Elsie's wrath.

Dejected and rejected, he went upstairs to bed and stayed there for a long time looking at the wall opposite his bed. The wall that separated him from Elsie.

oOo

Elsie had gone once more to the Scottish Presbyterian Church in York, where she found a kind of peace. She felt she could deal with her shame and guilt better. She didn't have all the answers yet, but she felt she was getting closer and closer.

She had been unfair to Charles, and she promised herself that she would make things right as soon as possible. In the meantime, she was helping to prepare the church for a traditional Scottish wedding and it filled her heart with joy to see this young couple so full of hope for the future and so much in love.

On her return to the Abbey, she was greeted by Mrs. Patmore who asked for an interview in her parlour.

Mrs. Hughes, though tired, could not refuse and prepared herself mentally to have to defend, once again, the key to the storeroom.

But Mrs. Patmore appeared in the housekeeper's study with a tray containing a steaming kettle full of tea, two cups and a nice pile of cinnamon biscuits, which Elsie was particularly fond of.

The cook, served the tea and some biscuits before sitting down with a sigh.

"Very well, Mrs. Hughes, now you will tell me what is bothering you. "

"Sorry? Nothing's bothering me Mrs. Patmore. "

"Of course and I'm the Queen of Scotland!" Mrs. Patmore gave Elsie an amused look before continuing:

"I wasn't born yesterday, young lady. You have that look that says you're unhappy. And I'm offering you my ear, and my advice and I as I know what you've been through, it can be useful to have someone to confide in."

"I don't..." Elsie's chin began to tremble, a tear slowly slipped down her cheek and Mrs. Patmore merely laid a hand on hers.

"Go ahead and cry, sweetheart, and talk. Don't keep it all in, get it out. "

Elsie then began to talk to Beryl, she told her everything between sobs. She told her how she had loved Charles from afar for so long, how they had finally given in to their feelings, about her miscarriage and Charles' proposal and she hid her face in her hands, consumed with shame.

Beryl had been shocked to learn that the man who had gotten Elsie pregnant was not this Mr. Perkins but Mr. Carson himself. She had never thought that such a stuffy man could indulge in such a thing. But at least he had proposed to Mrs. Hughes, he had done the right thing.

"I think God is punishing me for living in sin with Charles. That's why I got pregnant and wasn't able to hold that baby. And worst of all, part of me was relieved that I had the miscarriage, I was so terrified of losing my job. I'm a monster Mrs. Patmore."

"Well, for a monster you feel a lot of guilt. God doesn't punish, you punish yourself Mrs. Hughes."

"But..."

"You punish yourself, you don't need the Lord for that. And I think you've punished yourself enough by walking away from the man you love, by not sharing your pain with him. By trying to deny the love you have for each other. Nothing is more important than that, Mrs Hughes, nothing. When we come to the end of our lives, the only thing we want to remember is whether we have loved and been loved back. You are blessed, Mr Carson and you. You must not let your grief and guilt get the better of you. Go to Mr. Carson and talk to him, talk to each other. And above all, forgive yourself."

Elsie wiped her face, her tears had left large wet streaks and her eyes were puffy and red. Mrs. Patmore rose, and Elsie followed her example and led the cook to the door. Before lowering the handle, the cook turned to look the housekeeper in the eye and say:

"You are a good person, Elsie, don't forget that."

Elsie tried to nod without much conviction. The conversation with Beryl had done her good, but the guilt was still very much with her.

"Thank you Beryl, you are an angel, I needed your listening and your wisdom I think. I am indebted to you."

Mrs. Patmore rolled her eyes before walking out muttering something about the keys to the storeroom and Elsie allowed herself a slight laugh.

oOo

Charles had heard Elsie coming back from York, he would have liked to go and welcome her but he knew his presence was unwelcome. He was heartbroken, and he too was getting angry.

Very well if she doesn't want to see me any more, if she wants me to leave her alone, then so be it!

He had made up his mind, he would no longer make the first move to try and sort things out between them.

During the meal, Elsie smiled at him, she was trying to be more pleasant. She intended to talk to him this evening over a glass of Sherry, to ask for his forgiveness and to explain everything to him, but clearly Charles was not in the mood. He just looked at her, raised an eyebrow and grunted, looking away.

He did not speak to her for the whole meal.

When dinner was over, Charles got up from the table and went to his pantry.

"Mr. Carson, can I talk to you for a moment? "

"I'm afraid I don't have time tonight, Mrs. Hughes." And he went into his study, shutting the door in Elsie's face.

Depressed and filled with guilt, she in turn went into her office to catch up on the bills.

oOo

Charles went upstairs to bed at about Ten o'clock. He felt exhausted, and for the first time he felt the weight of his fifty years. The walk up the stairs seemed longer and steeper than usual. He walked through the door of his room and wearily undressed and washed quickly at his small wash basin. As he dried his face, dressed only in his undershirt and underwear, he heard the door to his room open and he turned abruptly, covering his chest with the towel.

Elsie was standing in front of him in her evening dress, she stood straight and stared straight into his eyes.

" I'm afraid I don't have time tonight, Mrs. Hughes? Really?" she whispered.

Charles looked at her in amazement before sighing, turning his back on Elsie to put on his pyjamas so he could face her clothed.

"I didn't have time." He was dry. "And I'm tired tonight, I'd like to go to bed early, if you'll get out."

"Charles...we need to talk."

"I think I've told you everything, Elsie."

"I haven't. If you'll just listen to me?"

He looked away from her for a few seconds and then nodded before showing her a chair to sit in while he sat on his bed.

How long ago it seemed to him that the mattress was on the floor for their lovemaking.

"I'm listening."

"I'm sorry, Charles. I know I left you out, I know I hurt you. But like I said, I need time. I needed time. I... I've been so hurt, so scared..." She wiped away the tears that had started to fall. She hoped that Charles would at least take her hand, but he didn't. He looked at her with a look in disbelief. He looked at her, a look of deep sadness in his eyes, and waited for her to finish what she had come to say.

"You know, I think it was God who punished me. I think he punished me because I gave in to my desire for you. Because we lived in sin. And I am so ashamed Charlie, if you only knew how ashamed I am." She held her head in her hands and sobbed.

And finally, Charles made a move towards her. He knelt down in front of her and finally grabbed her hands that were hiding her face, kissed them and kept them warm in his hands.

"I'm ashamed too, you know? I'm ashamed that I got you pregnant, ashamed that I let you deal with birth control when I had what it took to prevent it. I'm ashamed that I made you suffer and that I wasn't there for you. I'm ashamed because..." And he looked away from her again.

"Because?" She asked him to continue.

"Because... Because part of me is relieved by your miscarriage. I'm so sorry, Elsie. When we first started sleeping together, I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to see you growing my child, wondering what it would look like... But... Part of me is glad that you're not pregnant anymore. I think I would have panicked. Oh, I would have taken care of you and our child but... I..." He lowered his eyes in shame.

"I know. God, I know. I know because I felt the same way. And now I don't know what I feel. I think I'm split in two, the housekeeper and the grieving mother. I can't lose my job, I don't want to stop working, I can't afford to be a mother. But I also know that this was my last chance to have a child, I know that he would have been loved, that he would have had the best dad in the world, that I would have loved his laugh. You know, I didn't know I was pregnant. I only realise it at the same time as I lost him. I didn't even have time to love him. "

And she sobbed silently, her shoulders shaking under the weight of her grief. Charles, still kneeling in front of Elsie, got up and took her in his arms, and Elsie put her head against his stomach and hugged him with all her strength.

When she calmed down, Charles pulled her by the hands and they both sat down on his bed, hand in hand.

"I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't hurt by your distance and your words yesterday. You know very well that I wasn't implying anything... um... sexual. I know you're hurting, but I don't think I deserve what you spat at me yesterday."

"No, of course you didn't. For what it's worth now, Charlie, I'm sorry, really. I regretted it immediately after I said those horrible things to you. You know I didn't mean it. And I'm sorry I shut you out. It's just that I needed to clear my head, it wasn't against you."

She snuggled up to him and Charles put his arm around her shoulders and they stayed that way for long minutes side by side, Elsie's head resting on Charles' shoulder.

"Do you want to stay a while?" Charles asked.

"I'd like to. But I'm still dressed, and this corset is killing me."

"Then take it off."

Elsie stood up briskly, turned her back to Charles and undressed. Charles prepared the bed, trying not to concentrate on the sound of Elsie taking off her clothes.

When he heard nothing more, he turned around and Elsie was still standing in front of him in a simple undershirt. He thought she was beautiful but he didn't dare tell her. So instead he lay down and invited her to join him.

Elsie lay down beside Charles with her back to him.

"May I?" Charles asked as he slipped his arm around her.

"You may."

He hugged her again and they both felt complete again.

"Charlie?"

"Yes?"

"Will you marry me?"

The smile that lit up his face was huge, he felt like dancing a jig. He moved closer to her, pressed his body against hers, and whispered in her ear.

"Of course I'll marry you, you old boobie, I thought you'd never ask. "

"Good. When?"

"When you wear the luckenbooth again?"

"Who says I'm not wearing it?"

"Well anyway, you're not wearing it on your dress."

"No. Not on my dress. Underneath."

She heard Charles swallow.

"On your corset?"

"Maybe."

"Then we can get married."

"We'll go to the town hall and ask for a date to register. I don't want a big wedding. But I want to tell the family. "

"We'll let them know."

"And maybe Lady Mary will agree to be one of our witnesses?"

"Oh Elsie... I don't know if I'd dare ask her."

"As you like. I'll ask Mrs. Patmore."

He held her a little tighter to him, and kissed her neck.

"I love you, I've missed you."

"I missed you too. And I love you. But I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of getting pregnant again. I don't want to go through that again, Charles."

"We'll be more careful, I promise you that, Elsie. Sleep now, stay here and sleep."

Charles fell asleep quickly, Elsie stayed for a while lulled by the breathing of her new fiancé wondering if she had made the right decision.

TBC…

I hope you enjoy this new chapter. I'm looking forward to hearing your opinion.