"step down my loyal soldiers," a voice said.
everyone watched in horror and confusion as tris stepped out from between two of the viet cong men, except it wasnt tris.
"OMG TRISCUIT," TRIS GASPED. "MY PARENTS BANISHED YOU TO THE SHED WITH CALEB WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE BITCH"
"MUAHAHAHA I ESCAPED AND NOW AS YOUR EVIL TWIN I MUST DO MY ONLY DUTY ON THIS EARTH WHICH IS TO DESTROY YOU. and also time travel to ensure the victory of communism in vietnam which is going great as u can see"
peter fell to his knees and began to beg jesus for forgiveness. "WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE TWO OF THEM? IM SORRY JESUS. ILL BE A GOOD BOY I PROMISE JUST GET RID OF THE SECOND TRIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"
"JESUS CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE EXPLOSIONS OF MY EPIC VIET CONG SOLDIERS DOMINATING THE UNITED STATES" TRISCUIT SCREAMED AT TRIS.
"i was drafted into this stupid ass war because of time travel and shit i literally dont CARE BIATCH"
then tris and triscuit began viciously making out right there in the middle of the jungle.
"arent u two sisters" will asked but no one heard him because of the deafening lesbian enemies to lovers incest going on.
"GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCHING FUCK TRIS" TRISCUIT MOANED BETWEEN KISSES. "IVE HATED YOU EVER SINCE OUR SLUT OF A MOTHER SHIT US OUT AND DECIDED IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO NAME YOU BEATRICE AND ME BEATEN RICE."
"I HATE YOU TOO TRISCUIT NOW STFU"
TRISCUIT THREW TRIS INTO A FUCKING WALL AND SHE EXPLODED INTO A CLOUD OF DIVERGENT PIXIE DUST.
"What the ahegao… tris is dead," Al said.
CHRISTINA STARTED DANCING EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE VIET CONG SOLDIERS HOLDING HER AND SHE SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE. "Good i couldnt stand that BITCH HAHAHAHA"
except tris wasnt dead. she had just entered her flight form so she could beat triscuit once and for all and vanquish her to the same fate as caleb, completing her duty of purging her evil siblings from the earth forever. she still had hearing in her flight form so she got PISSED and flew down christina's throat, choking her.
christina fell on the ground coughing.
"hey! i didnt say you could do a reenactment of the first time you gave me head!" will shouted.
peter got out his special bitch-poking stick and poked christina in the boob. "christina get tf up bitch"
"HANDS OFF MY TITTY" CHRISTINA SCREAMED. then she went back to coughing and choking and dying on the ground.
"Um guys I was trying to take you all prisoner and kill my cervix-suckling pissroach of a sister so let's get back to that please," Triscuit said.
then christina died. tris flew out of her nostril and realized she could kill triscuit like that so she flew up into triscuit's pussy and expanded like antman.
Triscuit fucking exploded.
"WHAT THE FUCK" EVERYONE SCREAMED AS THE RED MIST OF TRISCUIT'S INNARDS POURED DOWN ONTO THEM.
"tee hee" tris said.
"this is so romantic," al said as a spleen landed on his head. "it makes me forget all about being abducted by the government to fight in a blatant proxy war."
"True." Will said. "Te casarías conmigo?"
"OMFG YES"
"we already raised a shit baby out of wedlock" will said "and we've gone thru all these adventures together so its about time ya know."
the viet cong started clapping and let everyone go. this couldve been because tris killed triscuit and changed them from enslaved zombie communists to normal communists but who knows maybe it really was the power of love, which had also un-killed four and christina.
will took everyone to the edge of a large crater from a natural gas explosion. this crater was beautiful and romantic and did not smell like charred flesh at all and there was a completely intact gazebo in the center for some reason.
"ok ITS TIME FOR MARRIAGE" CHRISTINA SCREAMED. "EVERYONE SIT TF DOWN AND SHUT TF UP OR ILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WITH MY RETRACTABLE COCK"
peter immediately began dancing and screaming. "OH NO CHRISTINA LOOK IM BEING DISRUPTIVE DONT FORGET TO GIVE ME MY PUNISHMENT WHILE IM SLEEPING TONIGHT"
"someone bludgeon him to death please. aNYWAY LETS START THIS MOTHERFUCKING WEDDING. heres ur vows albert. start reading or DIE."
Al glanced around nervously and then began to speak. "Whillip, my beloved..."
"WHILLIP?!" TRIS SCREAMED.
"wut" will said "thats my name"
"no fuckin way. dude we just assumed it was short for william. maybe willard. what the fuck is WHILLIP"
"ME BITCH. I'M WHILLIP. IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT IT YOU CAN SAY IT TO THE FORD FOCUS I'M GOING TO DRIVE THROUGH THE CROWD AT YOUR FUNERAL," WILL SCREAMED.
"ok and when you get arrested the cops will know your name is whillip BITCH"
christina threw a bible at tris and it landed in her mouth, silencing her. "anyway if you sluts are done RUINING THIS WEDDING i would like al to continue speaking."
"mhmgjfm" tris said
"ok. say your vows or whatever faggots just hurry because i have a tent revival at 5."
al got out the Wedding Instructions and started reading but he didn't even get one syllable out before someone started FIREBOMBING THE FUCKING WEDDING
"THIS ISNT IN THE WEDDING INSTRUCTIONS WHSAT DO I DO" AL SCREAMED.
THEN AL'S NIPPLES CAUGHT ON FIRE and it burnt his arms and legs so badly that he was reduced to just a torso. peter found a stapler and swatted at the fire but he accidentally stabbed al in the dick.
"oh no my dick is inside the stapler"
CHRISTINA GRABBED A MACHINE GUN. "I GUESS I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU GUYS MARRIED OR SOMETHING NOW RUN BIATCHES LET ME HANDLE THIS."
"CHRISTINA NOOOOOO" EVERYONE SCREAMED AS SHE SPRINTED TOWARD THE SOURCE OF THE FIREBOMBING
"ugh shes so brave. a true dauntless. WHY CANT YOU LITTLE FUNGAL INFECTIONS BE MORE LIKE CHRISTINA" four whined.
"we can discuss that later but right now shes sacrificing herself 4 us so we gotta make this count" tris said. she took everybody at gunpoint including al who was just a smouldering torso and forced them into a land canoe.
"um tris are you sure this is gonna get us out in time" will asked
"several tribes of native americans used to build these and ride them across the plains to find buffalo. we're gonna be fine"
"i feel like thats not true"
tris bludgeoned the side of the land canoe with a stick until it started moving.
peter glanced over the side of the land canoe in absolute fucking disbelief. "holy shitbiscuits tris wasn't trying to get everyone killed for once."
"see! im a good leader so suck on that."
"i hate you but i WILL NOT pass up an opportunity to suck and slurp on something"
so peter gave tris sloppy oral sex in the canoe while everyone watched in horror, unable to escape the land canoe that had now reached the speed of a jumbo jet.
"I just wanted to get married." Al complained like a bitch.
"If you don't stop complaining we're going to have to start taking people out," Four said.
"Whos there left to take out, FOUR? Chridtina just DIED BITCH. And when someone dies they just come back SO TAKE UR EMPTY THREATS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR PROLAPSED RECTUM NEXT TO YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND YOUR DAD'S CUM BITCH"
everyone stared at al.
"oh im sorry my assertive side leaked out a little there. im so sorry guys it wont happen again i promise."
four sat scrunched into a ball at one end of the canoe sobbing like a bitch for the rest of the trip and it wasnt even because he was being cucked by peter.