I've been at the writing stage where I am not sure how to execute the rest of the story! But do not fear, I am figuring it out and I do not plan on stopping until this fic is finished. I have the whole thing planned out already (for the most part) but I am freaking out a little! Feedback would be nice. I am going to persevere!
Also warning btw, there is some smut ahead :0 !!!! lol
I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, not thinking about anything in particular. My mind feels surprisingly relaxed, opposite to how I felt after the mental breakdown I had a few days ago. I softly stroke the warm, soft sheets with my fingertips, waiting for Finnick to finish brushing his teeth and come to bed.
I sink further into the the joy I am feeling, deciding that it is well deserved, and has been absent for far too long. Despite the bland food, gloomy atmosphere, lack of sunlight, and grey... well... everything -- I am now living in a place where I don't have to worry about the Capitol watching my every move, or the punishments Finnick and I would receive if either of us made a wrong move. We are getting married sooner than later, Coin and Plutarch decided, which was something we never thought would happen. Very soon everything will be in order, and for that, Finnick and I are okay with being in 13 for the time being.
Finnick emerges from the bathroom and squeezes under the covers and onto the small mattress beside me. Our compartment is meant to fit one person, so we have been crammed together in quite a small space, but neither of us mind, the modest size of our room makes it cozy. I lean over the edge of the bed so I can turn the lamp off. When I lie back down, I roll over into Finnick's warm, open arms, wrapping him in my own. I bury my face in his chest and plant a few kisses on his collarbones, my favorite place to be is in his grasp. He nuzzles his face into my hair, his hand sliding down the small of my back-- and suddenly, I feel a tingle of desire.
The sensation makes me nervous, I have not felt this way since the night before Finnick was reaped for the Quarter Quell. We spent that night in tears, too sad to speak, holding each other tightly through bouts of passionate sex and some crying, thinking it would likely be our last night together. But since then, and since the events that took place in the Capitol, Finnick and I haven't even talked about sexual intimacy. I know he's been waiting for me to initiate it when I am ready, just like I would wait for him to be comfortable after he'd return from his Capitol visits. He would never expect me to be physical so fast after everything that happened.
With our bodies pressed together, my desire becomes an ache, but a nervous one. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I spend so much time fighting through horrific flashbacks of disgusting Peacekeepers that I don't know when I am going to feel this at ease again. I decide that maybe Finnick's touch will make me feel better, maybe choosing to be intimate will make me feel like I have agency and control again
I tilt my head up so we are face to face, the tips of our noses lightly graze, creating a slight tickly feeling. I kiss him firmly -- it feels so natural just like it used to -- he kisses back, deepening it. Slowly, the kiss becomes more passionate, his hand moves to my hip, but moments later he pulls away and we both gasp for air.
"What are you doing?" he asks softly, clearly confused by my advances.
I pause for a second, trying to gather my thoughts, "I miss touching you, and I miss your touch. I want what we had back," I tell him.
He leans in again and nudges my nose with his, "Are you sure that is a good idea? I wouldn't want to upset you,"
"Yes, I think it is a very good idea," I take a deep breath, "I want to feel pleasure again, I want to feel like I belong to myself again... and I want you, if you're okay with it,"
He kisses my neck, I sigh at the wonderful sensation. I roll away from him for a moment to turn on the lamp, I can't do this in the dark, that would only allow me to imagine things. When I look back at Finnick, he is reluctantly grinning at me, he seems both pleased and worried.
He takes my hand in his, "I don't want you to feel pressure at all. Like you have to do anything you don't want to do-"
"Oh, Finnick, I know," I run my fingers through his soft, freshly-washed hair, smiling at his sweetness.
"I just want to make sure you're comfortable,"
"Oh, I am," our lips meet again, he slowly reaches his hand up and runs his fingers through my hair, tucking it behind my ear.
We wrap our arms around each other, pulling our bodies closer, I put my hands on his chest and gently push him onto his back, he smiles into the kiss. Next thing I know I am straddling him and we are both excitedly taking off our shirts. I lean down and kiss his neck and jawline, he wraps his arms around me and tugs at the waistband of my pajama pants, sliding his hands under it and holding my ass. I get off him for a second to take my pants off, he removes his own, giggles fill our small compartment.
I sit myself back on his lap, running my hands up and down his chest and stomach-- I have missed this so dearly. He wraps his arms around my back and pulls me towards him so our chests meet. His skin feels electric against mine, my nerves dance at the contact sending goose bumps across my touch starved body. He runs his hands up and down my back and hips, his touch light and gentle as his fingertips glide across my skin. The intensity rises, I kiss down from his jawline to his chest, taking in the scent of his hair and skin. I am grateful to have a love like this, one I was not too long ago horrified I'd lost. I could stay this way forever, just lying with him, our skin bare, warm, and meeting-- and I would if it weren't for the throbbing between my legs yearning for more.
I rather anxiously lower myself onto him, we both gasp in bliss. Once I am comfortable, I slowly grind on him, we hold each other passionately, my whole body buzzes with euphoria, our fingers intertwine, as do our lips, and to my surprise, I feel nothing but pleasure and love.
--
The next morning we rise early, as usual, for another day of military duties, District 13 doesn't seem to believe in breaks or sleeping in. Everyone is expected to wake at the same time each morning for breakfast, but that does not stop Finnick and I from stalling the morning process as much as possible.
While getting dressed, I decide to confide my thoughts about Coin to Finnick. I pull my shirt over my head then turn to him, "How do you feel about Coin?" I whisper as if there are ears around to listen. I have been thoroughly scarred by the years of Capitol surveillance that a part of me is nervous 13 has some sort of hidden cameras as well.
He takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands, "I'm not sure how I feel about her. I am not sure if I fully trust her," he says.
"I don't think I trust her at all," I admit.
He looks at me, looking almost relieved that I feel the same, "Katniss told me that Beetee, Gale, and Coin are designing all kinds of bombs to use in the war. Katniss says they are going to use them on Capitol citizens," he tells me.
"What? They can't do that. That's cruel," I say.
He lets out a long sigh, "I don't know... I know it sounds cruel, but every year those same people gather around their t.v's in excitement and watch children from the districts slaughter each other. Makes me feel like maybe they are all the enemy,"
Finnick does have a point, even though the point is disturbing and difficult to agree with. The majority of Capitol citizens do seem to like the Hunger Games. And although I have only been in the Capitol one time, during the 70th Hunger Games, I have never seen or heard of Capitol people disagreeing with the Games. Maybe there is dissent towards them, but I've never seen it, and I am sure Snow shuts it down quick.
"I know, but we have to remember that they are taught it is normal. Makes me wonder if Snow has them thinking it will be their kids if they step out of line. And what about children that die? The kids don't even understand the Games," I say, "And Plutarch was a gamemaker and we aren't killing him,"
"But they watch kids from our districts die for sport, they know it is real. How do they not for one second consider that maybe what they are doing is wrong?" he asks fervidly, making eye contact with me, "And I don't particularly like Plutarch, but he is useful," he adds.
I sit and think for a second, he is right. How do they not question it at all? Do they? Are they just too scared to say anything? I think back to President Snow, how when I was little I used to think that he, and everybody like him, could change. That maybe if he was shown love and affection, he could become a good person. I know I was wrong. Snow was once an innocent child, and now he is a monster. And that is sad. But it doesn't make him any less of the enemy. I guess it is all the same with the Capitol citizens.
"I guess you are right, they are all the enemy. I would like to think they're not, that the Capitol citizens will live among everyone else after the war... but... I don't know," I say.
"I'd like to think that too. But after spending so much time in the Capitol, around the people there, I don't think that," he sighs.
Of course he doesn't think that. I feel wrong for even defending the Capitol's citizens. Finnick was abused, raped, and assaulted by the wealthy Capitol citizens who would bought him. He feels a special anger, a special pain that I do not understand since I have only been around Capitol citizens once, and not for very long. But still, the real enemy is Snow, not a random civilian, and especially not a child.
"I'm sorry Finnick. I am not trying to defend the Capitol. I just think that if we kill people with no control over their government, especially children, who have the least control. I think that makes us no better than Snow. I just don't want us to be like them." I murmur, taking his hand and kissing it.
He smiles a little, "I know. I just have personal grudges,"
He kisses my cheek then breaks away to grab his shoes.
"Katniss also told me that Coin was having her prep team tortured," he says while squeezing his feet into his hand-me-down, District 13 sneakers.
I look at him in shock, "Why would she do that?"
"I don't know, neither does Katniss. She assumes it is because they are from the Capitol. The details are disturbing," he shakes his head.
"That is disgusting. To torture someone like that, and without good reason. I don't know if there ever is good reason," I scoff.
There isn't. I can't think of one situation where it would be okay to torture someone. A part of me wishes Snow could be tortured, but I guess that is a revenge fantasy more than something I actually think should happen. The Capitol thought I should be tortured, and in their minds they were the just ones, the ones who were doing the right thing. I would never wish what happened to me on someone else. What Coin did to Katniss's prep team is something the Capitol would do. I feel ill at ease with all the similarities between District 13 and the Capitol that I have been noticing. I feel an indescribable anger, a massive distrust with Coin knowing that she called for the torture of Katniss' prep team.
Finnick looks at me with with sympathy, handing me my shoes, "I know, love,"
"There is just something off about Coin, maybe it is just a politician thing. I don't know. It does bother me that she seems to have just decided that she will be the new President of Panem. Does she not think there will be an election?" I continue.
"No you're right. There is something off about her. She wasn't going to rescue you or Johanna or Peeta if Katniss didn't make her. Even though your capture was her people's fault. Most of us see her insincerity, except for maybe Beetee and Gale," he scoffs, rolling his eyes.
I laugh, Beetee and Gale are definitely District 13 ass kissers.
Now knowing that Finnick and most of the victors agree with me, I feel a little less like I am being paranoid, and more like I am getting a gut feeling. I have had a hard time differentiating between the two for a long time now.
After eating breakfast, I head to Special Weaponry for some shooting lessons. I refuse to use a spear for anything other than fishing, I don't want to continue associating spears with killing people. So I decide to only use spears when Finnick and I fish in the woods. Right before the entrance to the weapons area and shooting range, there is a small garden with hummingbirds soaring through green trees. They are beautiful little birds, I used to see them every once in a while in District 4. What they are doing here in 13, this far underground, I don't know. This enclosed area is the only truly beautiful thing in this whole place, but I can't help but feel bad for the zippy, little birds. They will never see the sky.
Gale has been teaching me how to use a gun, it didn't take me long to catch on and realize I'm a pretty good shot. Shooting is not as nerve wracking as I thought it would be, and it is nothing like throwing spears which I like. I was worried about the sound hurting my ears, but the gun I have been using is not very loud, it has some sort of silencer on it. I have been shooting at human shaped targets, which I did not like at first, but I've gotten over it. My target's head and chest is decorated with tiny bullet holes, if this was a real person they'd be very dead. With every shot, I feel more confident in my skills.
"You're a quick learner, you've got great aim," Gale compliments.
"Thanks,"
"Have you ever shot a gun before?" he asks.
"No, but I have been spearing small, fast fish for many years," I say.
Gale nods, "That'll do it, I can imagine they'd be pretty hard to catch,"
"Yeah, they can be rathery finicky and slippery,"
We end lessons for the day, unload the guns, and put them in their cases, Beetee sits at a desk a few feet ahead of me looking at some blueprints on a monitor. I can't make out what is on the screen but it consists of a bunch of different rectangular shapes.
"What is that?" I ask.
Beetee jumps a little, "Oh! This. This is a blueprint of an explosive device we have been working on. One that will hopefully come in handy against the Capitol,"
It dawns on me that this may be the bomb Finnick was telling me about, the one they plan to use on Capitol citizens.
"So what's the plan?" I ask.
"Well, we aren't sure of the exact plan for these yet. They are double combusting bombs, so they will explode once, there will be an interval between where more people will enter the combustion zone, then they will explode again but with a more lethal explosive yield," He says matter of factly.
I can't help but be perturbed by the idea, "Who exactly are we using these on?"
"They be used in an area of the Capitol that is deemed appropriate for rebel advances. We are thinking of using parental urges to our advantage. If we can find a way to use the first detonation on offspring, we will effectively draw in the parents for the second and final detonation," he says with no emotion.
The use of the word offspring irks me. Children, they want to kill children. I don't understand how there is any scenario where killing children or innocent people is okay, especially since that is all the Capitol has done to us. Haven't we learned anything?
"You are using this bomb on children? Don't you think that is unethical?" What I really wanted to say was don't you think that's something the Capitol would do, but I kept that thought to myself.
"I suppose in most circumstances it would be unethical. But I think we would be rather justified if we went down that route. We would make sure the attack would be appropriate for the rebellion,"
I can't see how it would ever be appropriate to bomb people who were not directly involved in attacking you. Whether it be children or adults, it is barbaric to bomb anyone who isn't Snow or his colleagues or Peacekeepers.
"I think in all circumstances that is unethical. Why not use the bomb on Peacekeepers or Snow's army?" I ask as calm and monotone as I can so he does not stop answering my questions.
"A bombing like this one would make more of a statement. It would give the Capitol a tragedy of their own, one to really make them think about whether or not they want to continue fighting with us," he responds.
Gale cuts in, "The Capitol never thought about ethics when they sent kids into the Hunger Games, when they bombed 12, tortured people. So really we are just playing their game. And we've run the idea by Coin, and I trust her judgment,"
So the goal is to be just as bad as the Capitol, but to make a point. Blurring the lines between who is moral and who isn't-- by the end of this will both sides be just the same? Katniss is right for not liking Coin.
The film crew, Finnick, and I have worked on some more We Remember propos, we finally made one for Mags, I narrated it. It took a few takes for me to get get through our script without crying. The wedding is going to be a propo too, especially since I mentioned Finnick and I were together in the first propo I did. They want to show that there is still joy and good things happening, Cressida thinks it will be a good slap in the face for Snow if he sees it. I like how she thinks.
The wedding will happen in a couple of days, there are children being taught the wedding song, Dalton from 10 will be officiating it since District 10 and 4 have a few similarities in our wedding customs, District 12 has a fiddler who will play some music, and Peeta will be making the wedding cake as part of his therapy.
Katniss and I went to District 12 together so I could pick one of her dresses to wear for the wedding, she was very kind to offer that, especially considering that she had just been shot while in District 2 and needed her spleen removed. I got to talk to her a bit more on the hovercraft although our interactions were quite awkward. Katniss studies people with her gaze, she has eyes that feel as if they can see your every thought and intention. Maybe it is the hunter in her. I was quite nervous on the hovercraft with her and I ended up getting lost in my head a few times.
Finnick and I have had almost no control over the wedding besides sharing the District 4 traditions, and we both got to pick what we wear out of Katniss and Peeta's old clothes. But we don't mind, wedding or not, we just want to be married already.
It is breakfast and Johanna's second day being discharged from the hospital, meaning she gets daily duties inked on her arm like the rest of us now. She doesn't attend her classes or jobs, she just kind of roams and avoids the guards. But this morning we both had Kitchen Duties after breakfast, so she decided to stick around and do them with me. Her and I wash dishes and help Greasy Sae and the other kitchen staff properly store the leftover foods.
Johanna places the final dish on it's proper shelf, "Annie. Wanna sneak away and hang with me after this?" she whispers.
I grin at her sneaky proposition, it feels fun and juvenile, like we are a couple of school kids ditching class.
"Sure," I whisper back.
Next thing I know, her and I are walking down the hall at a swift pace, trying to look like we have places to be. This is the best way ensure that no one stops you to ask questions. Finally, after taking the elevator up a floor and speed walking down some hallways, Johanna yanks me into a supply closet. I am not sure how she found it, it is unassuming and the door blends in with the wall. Boxes line the walls and there is a crate of pencils and chalk on the floor, it looks like this is where they keep the extra school supplies. It seems lightly used, there is a layer of dust on almost everything, indicating that the contents of the closet have been untouched for some time.
"I found this place the other day, I have been coming in here to chill. No one has been in here yet so I don't think anyone will find us," she smiles mischievously.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," Johanna slides the pencil crate over the pulls out a book from behind it. "I found this on a bookshelf in the library yesterday. I was bored so I roamed around in there. I thought you'd like it,"
I take it in my hands, the book is somewhat thick and hardcover, the title reads Marine Biology. I beam at her sweet gesture.
"I know you like the ocean and stuff, so I thought maybe that would help you feel more at home," she says with a small smile on her face.
"Thank you so much, Jo," I say.
"Of course. It's the least I could do considering you babysat me while I bathed," she laughs.
"Don't worry about that, it was fun bonding time for us," I jest.
Johanna and I decide that every few days we can check in with one another, and I will sit outside the tub while she bathes. I like the deal, I like having a friend. I have not had a proper friend in many years besides Lotus from back home, but we weren't very close.
"I should get going. Haymitch and Plutarch may be wondering where I am," I say.
"What are they... your dads?" she asks.
"No," I giggle, "but I am expected in Command probably soon, and I don't know if they have propos for me to work on today,"
"How about I walk you to Command then?" she offers with a shrug of her shoulders.
"And risk getting caught?" I jokingly gasp.
"I will run off before we get too close, don't worry! I've got this whole sneaking around thing down to a science,"
It feels good to hide away in a supply closet with her. Johanna feels like the silly, school friend I never had when I was a teen. With our friendship growing and Finnick and I getting married soon, life feels... lovely. Almost too good to be true considering there is a war going on, but Dr. Jayr tells me it isn't good to think like that.