Ch. 5 Levaya/ Funeral

Days passed by in a haze. Without school to break up the monotony, Esther mainly sat in her bedroom, staring at the blood-spattered pages of the Death Note; running her fingers over the sentence written in hastily scrawled, almost illegible blue ink.

Nobody would say she did something wrong defending herself from a white supremacist, Kira-worshipping psychopath…So why did she feel so guilty? The way she felt after murdering that Nazi wasn't even half as bad as the way she felt now. It was like a heavy weight was pressed on every inch of her body.

She had saved people. That's what Zellogi said. And she chose to believe it. For her own sake.

It was stupid - but Zellogi had no reason to lie to her about that. She could actually do some good with this damned thing - if she still wasn't so scared to use it.

For all his threats, the shinigami had been pretty quiet since the shooting. Esther honestly, half expected him to kill her. But he hadn't. Instead, he stood or floated there - staring at her dead silent.

She'd rather have him nagging her to kill somebody, telling her she wasn't so dull compared to Kira.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Knock.

That last one came too suddenly and sounded different. Slowly her door squeaked open…

She slipped the notebook underneath her mattress, flopped down on her bed, and stared at her ceiling, which was covered with stick-on glow-in-the-dark stars. She tried closing her eyes, but every time she did, she was back in the bathroom gunshots echoing in the halls.

"Esther? Are you doing alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, Dad…"

He stood awkwardly in the doorway holding a bowl of matzo ball soup. Homemade.

"I bought you something to eat. I thought you should have something before the funeral."

"Thanks."

She put the tray on the bed, glaring at Zellogi who seemed interested in the unfamiliar food.

"Just so you know - you can feel free to leave at any time." He squeezed her hand tightly.

"I know."

He kissed the top of her head and left, smiling somberly as he closed the door.

Esther wasn't hungry - but the soup called to her anyway. Rich golden broth with chunks of cooked tender carrots, bright green springs of parsley, shredded chicken, and two large fluffy matzo balls.

It smelled like the holidays. Family. Comfort.

And even though her appetite awakened as she ate, the soup didn't do anything to fill the void inside her.

…..

Esther was surprised that Keith's parents had chosen to go the more traditional route but she was grateful for the familiarity.

The coffin was made out of pine, with no decoration save for a Magen David. It sat at the front of the sanctuary alone and unopened. The sanctuary pews were packed with classmates, teachers, and relatives. Many of them, scratched their heads, unused to wearing kippot. His parents and older brother wore black ribbons pinned to their right shoulders.

She was half surprised that Zellogi wasn't uncomfortable in this space. It must be weird, she thought, for him to be here - like here she was in a synagogue with a god of death…for a funeral…It didn't feel right.

"Don't humans worship that guy? You know the one all strung up and bloody?" Zellogi said. "I don't see him anywhere."

"I'll…I'll explain later."

Esther took a place in the back corner - her stomach twisted into a knot - she couldn't bare to look at the Rivers. What could she say to them when she was there when their son died when there was a chance she could have saved him?

"Hey - how are you doing?" Becca slid into the pew next to her and reached over for a hug. "You haven't been answering any of my texts."

"Yeah, I know…I just…"

"It's okay," Becca took her hand and squeezed it. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Esther smiled. "I'm glad you're okay too."

The prayers and psalms were comforting and foreign at the same time. Esther found herself, whispering, stumbling over the words as she followed along - they should have been familiar. It hadn't been that long since she had been at the front of the synagogue, black ribbon pinned to her dress, sitting in front of a coffin that held her mom.

But instead, now, she was in the back, desperate to be noticed by as few people as possible. Rabbi Weiss cleared her throat.

"There are no words to convey the sorrow and pain of someone so young being taken from us so violently. But Keith was such a bright light in so many of our lives; always with a smile on his face and a joke at the ready. He would not want us to cry - he would want us to laugh when remembering him."

There was a round of sniffles and small smiles from the audience. Keith had been a class clown; constantly interrupting class with some inane observation.

It was funny to think about it - but she was never going to hear him shout about The Great Gatsby again. Instead, she was going to be left remembering that wide-eyed, frightened look he had given her - how she wouldn't let him write a note…and how his last words were an apology.

"I'm sorry - you know. For all the teasing. And I know it sounds silly now - but, I am."

He didn't have to apologize…

"Students reported that Keith had tried to help one of his fellow classmates, Ji-Hoon Jeong before he was forced to flee…"

Esther had no idea. That must have been where all the blood on him had come from. Ji-Hoon was still in a coma from what she knew…

"I don't know. The voice sounded familiar but I didn't get a good look at his face. He went on some crazy rant about Kira. Going on about how he was going to help him rid the world of evil - and he just started shooting…"

She hadn't asked anything beyond what she needed to know. She hadn't even asked if he was okay.

Esther listened as the eulogy continued; as his parents, brother, cousin, and friends each gave a short speech. About his love of sports, South Park, and stand-up comedy. Sharing memories about his infamous Bar Mitzvah party where he did a back flip off the chair as it was being raised…

He had been human. Just as human as she was.

And now he was gone.

Forever.

Because of her.

…

At the cemetery, in cool spring air - a day that was much too nice for a burial - the mourners now stood by an empty hole in the ground. Esther closed her eyes and let the wind wash over her as the Mourner's Kaddish was recited.

"Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'mei raba b'alma di-v'ra chirutei…." the crowd chanted. Esther rocked slightly, back and forth. The ancient words were familiar but fell off her tongue easily, as if from muscle memory.

She wondered what Zellogi thought; did shinigami know anything about funerals? About how different they were from place to place? How they evolved over time, in some ways and in so many ways was still the same. Were shinigami ever involved in the human world?

"Amen," she whispered as the prayer came to an end.

"Weird," Zellogi said. "That all just sounded like gibberish. I can usually understand all human language…"

Well, that was something to think about, she thought. That was going to bother her all night. But now wasn't the time.

Becca handed her the shovel.

Esther flipped it over so the blade was upside down, and dug it into the pile of dirt. It felt weirdly heavy. She took it and dumped the dirt into the grave, where the pale coffin sat. The dirt landed with a soft thwump.

She then flipped the shovel back over, right side up, and dug it into the dirt once again.

"Keith," she whispered, "I'm sorry."

The second shovelful of dirt fell onto the coffin.

…

Esther skipped the shiva that afternoon. She had wanted to go- but right as she headed to the door, hands shaking, the apology she had to his parents running in her head, she had gotten too nervous and had thrown up on the lawn; right into Mrs. River's prized petunias.

So now, she and Becca were sitting inside Goldstein's Deli, eating bagels.

"Why is it that when somebody dies they always serve bagels?"

Esther shrugged. "I don't know. All I know is that it's basically an integral part of the mourning process."

Becca laughed, "I guess so."

It was quiet inside the deli; the workers were in the kitchen preparing a platter, probably to go to one of the other families who were mourning a loss. No doubt a near identical platter was in the Rivers' dining room next to giant tubs of cream cheese and plates of lox.

Esther swirled her straw in her cup - and sighed.

"You know it's not your fault, right? There's nothing you could have done," Becca said as though reading her mind. "I mean Kyle had a gun. What were you supposed to do?"

Be quicker - Esther thought but instead, she shrugged. "I dunno. It's just that we were talking about him at lunch and then…"

"He'd think was ironic probably…" It was Becca's turn to trail off. "Do you think Kira actually killed Kyle? I know it sounds silly - but I've heard rumors that it's not just heart attacks. And in a way…"

"Kyle killed himself. Kira had nothing to do with his death," Esther hissed. The words came out harsher than she wanted them to. "If Kira was half the man -"

"If Kira was what?"

"Never mind," she replied shoving the rest of the bagel in her mouth.

"You sure?"

Esther nodded. "I-I-I just don't want to talk about Ki-" Her voice trailed off, as her eyes caught a glimpse of the television.

It was some talk show host cum politician - she couldn't recall his name and some kind of…preacher? It didn't matter.

The captions made it clear they were talking about the incident. If it had just been about guns and liberals - she wouldn't have minded so much. But instead, they were talking about them: Kyle and Kira.

But what had caught Esther's eyes weren't the captions or even the people on screen. It was where they were. They were in front of a bakery; her family's bakery and stopping people on the street.

What were they doing there? What gave them the right…

Esther pushed her chair away from the table. "I think I'm going to go," she said.

Before Becca could protest, she had already left, with Zellogi on her heels.

"Are you gonna kill somebody?" he asked excitedly.

Esther didn't respond.

Note #1: Traditionally Jewish funerals take place as soon as possible after death; within 24 hours if possible. But many people wait until relatives can arrive; and a funeral won't take place on Shabbat or during most holidays. There's also an exception, like with Keith, if an autopsy is required in modern day.

Note #2: Traditional Jewish funerals use simple pine or wooden coffins for burial. It's so the body can decompose naturally - and Jewish funerals are never open casket.

Note #3: The reason why Zellogi doesn't understand the prayer is because the Mourner's Kaddish is recited in Aramaic. Some Jewish people believe that angels are unable to understand Aramaic, which is why some prayers are recited in Aramaic rather than Hebrew.

I thought it would just be interesting if the same thing happened with Shinigami.

Note #4: In Jewish tradition, the mourners help bury the body. These days, most will just do one or two shovelfuls of dirt; and some will also use the backside of the shovel for the first time, as a way of showing the difficulty in losing somebody.

Note #5: Other aspects of Jewish mourning traditions are included: the black ribbons, and the Shiva are two big ones. The black ribbons are worn in place of tearing one's clothing and the shiva is for the community to come together and assist the family - people often bring food so they don't have to cook. Bagels are common because they don't require prep work from the family, and they keep well.

...

This chapter took much longer than I planned - my beta reader had some personal business to take care of and I couldn't find somebody else. I know I won't be posting here with any regular schedule for time being, but you can expect the story to finish.

Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought or if you have any questions. I love responding to comment