Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Elizabeth is surprised more than once
Pemberley
Elizabeth
"Busy Lizzy! You shameless trumpet! Polishing your arts and allurements to beat me to Darcy!"
Elizabeth woke with a fright, then felt Darcy's arms tighten around her and his rumbling laughter against her back.
"Aunt! What are you about?" Elizabeth cried.
"I gained entry through the nursery, tickling your little bumble bees on the way, only to find that you have compromised young Darcy!" Lady Prudence leaned over the bed. "Is he unclothed?"
"Indeed," replied Darcy.
"How dare you appear so informally before a gentlewoman?"
"How dare you come into my chambers?" retorted Elizabeth.
"As dear Miss Lineley-Bingle is in Darcy's chambers— "
"Still? Has she stayed there all night?"
"Yes, Busy Lizzy, —oh, I cannot fight for Darcy's hand any longer; I concede." Lady Prudence sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Does this mean that you will also stop teasing Miss Bingley?"
"I think not; one ought to have some little amusement at my age." She shook her head sadly. "Are you to announce the winner at this evening's festivities?" she asked Darcy.
"At the tenants' dance? That seems appropriate," he replied.
"Very well, one more day and then I shall release dear Miss Lineley-Bingle from my employ. She has served well as my companion and will be impossible to replace." She leaned over to kiss Elizabeth, saying, "Many happy returns of the day, distant niece," and left through the door to the nursery.
"Mmm, 'So sleeps my love—'" sang Darcy, softly, as Elizabeth giggled.
Waking again, later, to find Darcy gone and the nursery empty, after dressing, Elizabeth picked up her bonnet and wandered downstairs. She found her father in the library.
"Happy Birthday, my Lizzy!" He kissed her cheek. "Before whatever plans young Darcy and your sisters have for your day, I wonder if you can spare a few minutes for a walk with your old pappa."
"Of course. Where shall we go?"
"There is so much of Pemberley to explore, I know not." As they stepped out onto the terrace, pointing vaguely, he suggested, "What about over that way?"
She took his proffered arm and they strolled in the direction he had indicated, talking of the plants and flowers that they passed on the way.
"Oh, look, Pappa, there is a small chapel."
"Mmm. I wonder if the family still use it. Shall we take a look?"
As they entered the porch, Elizabeth saw Lady Anne standing with Sarah Stevens and laughed. "I do believe that there has been some scheming!"
"You do not think that I would not take an opportunity to walk you down the aisle, do you?" Sir Thomas asked.
As Sarah handed her a bunch of flowers, she grinned and replied, "Very well."
Darcy
Lady Anne signalled to him from the door as Darcy waited with Richard at the front of the chapel. Heart pounding, he was astonished that such a great number of people could be silent. The chapel was full: his family; her family; many of the household staff, the gardeners and tenants: some sitting, squashed onto the pews, the remainder standing at the back and along the sides. Places of honour at the front were taken by Stevens, Mrs. Reynolds and the Gardiners.
Darcy could see Elizabeth's shock and embarrassment that there were so many people waiting for her, but she caught his eyes and smiled broadly as she held her father's arm to walk towards him. Her sisters had been standing at the back and followed them, along with Sarah.
The group reached the altar and the bridesmaids sat down, leaving Jane and Sarah standing by Elizabeth's side. Darcy took Elizabeth's hands in his and pressed them to his heart.
"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
Elizabeth laughed with delight, while many of the women listening sighed.
"My relations will be shocked— "
The Fitzwilliams dutifully drew in sharp breaths.
" —as your family are beneath my own— "
"Only because you are so tall, son!" cried Sir Thomas, to chuckles from the congregation.
"Aye, we have an earl, a viscount and a bishop on our side," Richard called back.
"It is not too late for me to halt your marriage to Jane, lad!" admonished Sir Thomas, to more laughter.
Richard made a pained grimace and hung his head, winking at Jane.
As Darcy drew breath to resume his speech, a small voice cried, "Mum-mum-mum-mum!" Lady Anne put Melissa down, who ran towards Elizabeth, carrying a bedraggled posy of flowers. She dropped the flowers and tugged off her bonnet. After returning it with a decided "no!" to her grandmother, she stooped to pick up the fallen flowers and continued towards her parents.
Good natured chuckles followed her. Darcy picked her up and said, "I am just about to ask your mamma to marry me. Does that meet with your approval?"
Melissa nodded keenly, to more chuckling.
Darcy addressed Elizabeth. "Would you do me the greatest honour of accepting my hand in marriage?"
"In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, so, thank you, Mr. Darcy — I shall!"
"Lizzy," cried Sir Thomas, "what are you doing? Are you out of your senses, to be accepting this man?"
The congregation laughed again.
"I do believe that I am!" Elizabeth answered, grinning up at Darcy.
The bishop started the service by telling the gathering that he had performed the same ceremony five years earlier, and had christened their daughters, but that it all had had to be done in secrecy. He then repeated the familiar words, ending with a nod to Darcy and an instruction to kiss his bride.
So, while Melissa wrapped her arms about both parents' necks, with joy, great joy, he did!
Before they walked back down the aisle to leave the chapel, James stepped forward to ask if his father would perform the same office for Mary and himself. To everyone's amusement, Sir Thomas and Mary walked quickly back to the chapel's door, followed by a flock of Mary's sisters, so that he could have the honour of presenting a second daughter.
There was no heckling during this re-affirmation, as many in the congregation were distracted by young Miss Darcy. Still in her father's arms, she played with his sideburns and cravat; pushed and pulled at his cheeks to make funny expressions; and bestowed his face with kisses. Quite a few of the female watchers smiled to see their normally reserved master kiss his daughter in return and pretend to gobble her fingers.
When the bishop finished, Darcy turned to the congregation and thanked them for helping with his secret. He announced that there would be a party for all of Pemberley's children that afternoon followed by a dance for everyone in the big barn in the evening. There were many congratulations and good wishes as the two couples walked back up the aisle.
Outside the small chapel, the guests gathered round the brides and grooms. Darcy watched as his newly acknowledged wife greeted all attendees with kindness and joy. He listened to her reiterate his invitations to the celebrations later on that day, and was proud to hear her say, repeatedly, how much she was looking forward to getting to know them.
Miss Bingley
Success! Miss Bingley woke in Darcy's bed. It appeared that she had spent the night alone, but that did not matter, all she needed were witnesses to her presence. She climbed out the bed and rang the bell to summon Darcy's valet. Climbing back into the bed, she arranged her hair on the pillows, pulled her gown off one shoulder and waited.
And waited. No-one came, so she got out of the bed and pulled on the bell cord again.
Still no-one came.
What are these idle servants doing? she wondered, her anger mounting.
A third time she pulled the bell cord, yanking it repeatedly with all of her strength. Her efforts were in vain.
If I am not seen in this bed, then I must, at least, be seen leaving these chambers. She tried the bell once last time, then made her way to the door and opened it very slightly to see if there was anyone in the corridor. She would wait until someone, anyone, came so that he or she saw her leaving the master's rooms. No-one came; the corridor remained empty, so she wandered back towards Darcy's chamber. The door was locked! As was the other door to the mistress' chamber. She swallowed a scream of frustration.
Losing patience, she was about to admit defeat, but, as luck would have it, as she left the sitting room and started to make her along the corridor of the family wing, she heard voices from the entrance hall below.
Waiting while the chattering noise grew louder, she held the door handle as if closing the door behind her, perfected her dishabille, and turned to feign embarrassment.
"Oh, there you are, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle!"
No!
Others followed Lady Prudence along the corridor, but they took no notice and, chattering, dispersed to their rooms.
Lady Prudence caught Miss Bingley's arm and laughed. "Oh, my dearest Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle, there is no point in trying to compromise young Darcy. You have been soundly trounced and we held the wedding only this morning!"
Miss Bingley bit back her fury. Darcy would not have married this old crone!
"My lady," she replied tartly. "I spent the night in Darcy's bed, so you have not beaten me. In fact, I shall go to my brother to tell him that I have been compromised!" With Lady Prudence in her wake, not caring that she was not properly attired, she strode along the corridor, down the stairs and into the large breakfast room.
Sir Thomas
"Charles! Charles!" came a cry from the door.
Sir Thomas noticed that almost everyone ignored it and carried on eating and drinking. He saw, from the corner of his eye, Lydia silencing Kitty.
"Yes, Caro!" replied Mr. Bingley.
"I have been compromised, Charles!"
"Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle claims to have spent the night in young Darcy's bed," a loud voice followed her into the room and heads then turned to face the door. "But — oh, dear, you do walk fast, dear — it was not so when I was a girl, we would have to glide with elegance and charm —none of this rushing hither and thither— " Lady Prudence puffed and held out an arm.
Several men leapt to assist her; Sir Thomas reached her first.
"Ah, Sir Tinley, I thank you." Lady Prudence pulled him along with her towards the Bingleys.
"Really, Charles— " began Miss Bingley.
"But," Lady Prudence spoke over her, "this cannot be true as the door was locked." She looked up at Sir Thomas coquettishly and added, "I checked it myself, you see."
He chuckled. "I am sure that you were most thorough, my lady."
"Anyway — oh, do stop flirting with me, young man."
"I shall endeavour not to while my wife is watching, my lady," he replied, trying not to grin.
Matlock's voice boomed across the room. "Bennet! Are you trying to compromise my mother-in-law?"
"I was attempting to be surreptitious about it, my lord, as I should not like my wife to find out," he replied, looking pained.
"My apologies," Matlock shouted. "Shall I distract Charlotte while you make your escape? Would that help?"
"I thank you. That would be of great assistance!"
Sir Thomas heard his wife laughing as Matlock ostentatiously captured her attention, then heard Miss Bingley trying to draw her brother's back to herself.
"Really, Charles. I spent the night in dear Darcy's bed, so am compromised!"
"And I have told you, Mr. Really-Charles, that the door was locked," protested Lady Prudence.
"Did anyone see you there?" Mr. Bingley asked with a sigh.
"No, but I was there!"
"If you were not seen then you have not compromised Darcy," said Mr. Bingley.
"Ha! See! I told you that I beat you, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle." Lady Prudence waved a gnarled finger in Miss Bingley's face.
"What is this?" asked a voice from the hallway. Elizabeth came into the breakfast room. Miss Bingley looked cross as everyone rose to greet her with well-wishes.
"I have been compromised, Miss Eliza," Miss Bingley started to explain.
Sir Thomas noticed, wryly, that she had not sniffed.
"Oh dear, Miss Bingley!" cried Elizabeth. "Who compromised you?"
"Fitzwilliam," replied Miss Bingley, with a tearful expression.
Cries of "I did not!" and "Which Fitzwilliam?" filled the room. Lady Harriet's strident "Matlock! What have you done now?" made them all laugh.
"Mr. Darcy, Fitzwilliam Darcy," clarified Miss Bingley.
"Oh heavens," said Elizabeth. "When was this?"
"Last night," said Miss Bingley.
"This will not do," cried Sir Thomas as Darcy came into the breakfast room. "Darcy, where did you spend last night?"
"Is this a trick question, Bennet?"
"No, son. Miss Bingley, here, claims that you compromised her."
"Indeed. I was not in my own chambers — "
Gasps of horror and cries of "Where were you, young man?" and "Who were you compromising?" interrupted his reply.
" —I was in my mistress' bed."
"'Mistress'?" spluttered Miss Bingley, going pale.
"You lie! You were not in my bed!" said Lady Prudence, adamantly.
"His other mistress; I think that he means his other mistress," said Sir Thomas patting her hand.
"Darcy! How could you?" demanded Lady Prudence. "And you, Sir Tinley, stop your advances!"
Elizabeth
"Would you excuse us, please, Pappa? I shall help Miss Bingley back to her chambers to calm her." Elizabeth took Miss Bingley's arm and led her away.
"I shall come too," said Lady Prudence. "Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle might have need of my smelling salts." She tugged on Elizabeth's sleeve as they climbed the stairs. "Before you came to Embersby, Busy Lizzy, Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle was quite, quite faint, so I know to have my salts with me at all times."
Turning into the guest wing, Elizabeth managed not to laugh, but turned her face away to conceal a smile. "That is very kind of you, Aunt Prudence. I am sure that Miss Bingley finds great comfort in your attentions."
"'Aunt Prudence'?"
"I have not given you leave to address me thus!"
"You were introduced to me as— "
"You have it wrong, Miss Lineley-Bingle. I outrank you — by a great many degrees — thus you were introduced to me."
Elizabeth found her emotions divided: she was fed up with Miss Bingley's pretentions to the highest society and did not mind Lady Prudence teasing her; but she was now the Mistress of Pemberley and so ought to tend to her guests. And I offered to do the tasks that Mamma does not care for. She sighed and spoke,
"Miss Bingley, Lady Prudence— "
"'Aunt Prudence'," interjected the dowager.
"Lady Prudence paid me the honour of bidding me to address her as 'aunt', even though the connection is distant," Elizabeth started to explain with a quelling glance at the older woman.
"Oh, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle! When two women are mistresses of the same man, they do not stand on ceremony! Actually," she continued, looking thoughtful, "they do not stand much at all. Do you not find that so, Busy Lizzy?"
"Indeed," Elizabeth replied with a laugh.
"Are you saying that Eliza is Mr. Darcy's mistress?"
"Well, far be it from me to say such a thing, but young Darcy was not in my rooms last night." Lady Prudence huffed, then looked perplexed. "Oh no, does he have a third mistress? It is bad enough having to share him with Miss Busy Lizzy Trumpet, but a third woman! It shall not be borne!"
They stood in the doorway to Miss Bingley's rooms; Elizabeth again trying to hide her smile as she listened to Lady Prudence's nonsense and watched Miss Bingley trying to work out who the third mistress might be.
"Shall I send some hot water up for you to bathe, Miss Bingley?"
"Yes, you do that, Busy Lizzy. I shall look after dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle, while you make sure that the arrangements are in hand for my celebratory ball this evening."
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