Fall Out
Chapter Three
(Themes: The Letter: Dear Trina)
Dear Spencer,
I love you.
I want that to be the first thing you read because it's true. I also want to say it at the beginning of this letter with the hope that no matter where this letter goes or what I end up writing, you can know that I can share all of this with you because of how I feel about you and because I trust you with my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Where is this coming from? Well, just as I have encouraged you to work on yourself with therapy, you know that I decided to do the same. A few weeks ago, my therapist gave me an interesting exercise. She asked me to sit down and spend at least five minutes gathering my thoughts and writing them down every day. Then she suggested that I leave what I write for an hour or so, and then come back to them to see how I felt about what I wrote.
After a lifetime of school and now college, writing something without worrying about structure or the audience is a little weird. Anyway, I've come to see that I really do find clarity by writing things down. It made me wonder about the letter you would give me that night at the Savoy. You've told me that you wrote that you always believed in me and were only pretending not to.
I still wish I could have seen the letter.
Not just to see what exactly you said, I would have also gotten a chance to see how you wrote it. Did you write in a calm, formal way? Were you emotional? Did you write with excellent penmanship, or was it hurried and scribbled? What kind of paper was it on? Was it on "official" Cassadine letterhead? Did you write the letter on lined paper ripped out of some notebook?
Is it weird that I've spent a lot of time wondering about that letter?
I'm still a little annoyed at how you didn't give it to me…
Okay, so what did I want to write to you about?
I want to write down my thoughts on you and our relationship. I think we both can admit that it was toxic and started off on the wrong foot from the moment we crossed paths in Ava's Gallery to the moments where you called yourself Victor, flirted with me, and lied to me about who you were.
It's a shame because you appeared so nice to me, a great listener, and gave me really great advice. I wonder now if it was guilt that motivated you to keep in touch with me. At least at first. It would be a lie to say that we didn't click from the start. But the way you kept disappearing and hiding from Joss and Cam? It was embarrassing to learn that I'd been falling for a lie.
I then forgave you, and I thought we were really connecting and building up to something special. There was a look in your eye when you talked to me, making me feel so pretty and unique. Again, I was embarrassed and, no, I was MORTIFIED when Esme appeared on the parapet seconds before we were going to kiss….
Oh, Spencer! This is tough for me to write down and see in stark black and white how much deception there's been between us. You may ask me all the time how I've managed to disregard ALL of this to still love you and want to be by your side.
The answer is simple:
You're a brilliant, generous, complicated, passionate man who burns so brightly it calls to me. The flame within you brings me heat and comfort. It brings me brilliant light and stark shadows. It brings color, texture, and flavor to my world. You make me laugh, you inspire me, you infuriate me, you sadden me, and you bring out a vulnerable part of me that scares me. Moths attracted to flames burn. I think that may also be a part of the attraction, though. What's in the center of that light?
How would it feel to be completely joined with you?
When we make love with one another, I feel it.
Sometimes I even feel it when you smile at me.
You make me feel seen.
Also, I'm not going to lie, there's something really heady about being the center of your world. To have a man as handsome, worldly, privileged, emotional, and clever as you think that I, Trina Robinson, who has never really gone anywhere outside of Port Charles, could catch and hold your attention? To have a man who has so much but would still be willing to put his freedom aside for me when even I wouldn't risk it?
It's like the plot of a TV show, movie, or book! Not real life.
Anyway, back to the topic I wanted to explore here. (I know this is really long already!)
What does it say about me that I would allow myself to stay by your side after everything that's happened between us?
What it says about me is that I'm stronger than I thought.
I am brave to risk my heart with you because if you're not afraid, you can't be brave, right?
I think it says that I want to believe in you and that we can build something wonderful together. I think it says that because I'm making the choice to be with you, I now have control of my own destiny. I get to choose from here on out what happens next for me. I would love it if we could make our choices together, but I'm also assured now that if I truly needed to, I could walk away from you.
I would be heartbroken and miss you fiercely, but I would survive and thrive.
Something is amazing about knowing that. That my love for you makes me stronger and more of who I am. I hope that I can do the same for you. If you ever can work through your issues and become your genuine, compassionate, loving, fantastic self?
You would be unstoppable.
You would be truly great.
You would believe you were enough.
You would KNOW you were enough.
And once you know that?
The world would be yours.
Just like I am.
Yours,
T