Hi! Okay... So I know it's been forever. I kinda lost all my inspiration and have been VERY busy with uni and then I travelled for a couple of weeks and then suddenly when I got back inspiration struck again, so I'm writing again! For now I'm trying to continue this story, don't know if I'll make it or if one of the other ideas in my head needs to get out first haha.
Anyway; quick recap of everything so far for everyone who forgot (including myself, I reread the story before I could pick it up again): Harvey took a case against a powerful politician, Donna was kidnapped (from their own kitchen). And this story is the sequel to that; Darvey dealing with the traumatic event they went through. Donna is withdrawn, doesn't talk much, has nightmares. But wants to go back to work because being at home makes her restless as well. And I last left off at the point where she doesn't know what to wear for her first morning back to the office.
So... I hope you'll like it. Any comments are welcome! :)
Harvey helps Donna pick a dress and then helps her zipping it up. And when they get home at the beginning of the afternoon, he also helps her unzipping it. She changes into a sweater and a pair of yoga pants and settles on the couch, gratefully accepting the cup of tea Harvey hands her. He sits as well, turning his body to face her, "how are you feeling?" She blows at the steam rising from the cup while pondering the question. "I'm… okay," she decides. She notices Harvey narrowing his eyes ever so slightly, and elaborates, "exhausted. And overwhelmed. But… also glad I did it." She tiredly smiles at him, showing him the sincerity behind her words.
"Okay," Harvey nods, reaching out to gently brush his fingers over her leg. He was not fond of the idea of her going back to work and seeing her so nervous and insecure this morning didn't help. At the firm, she put on a smile and went to her office and worked almost as well as she always does. He took every opportunity to check on her, which she noticed and called him out on, but he didn't care. Because he is worried about her, and seeing her seemingly at ease at work did not much to lessen his worries, because he knows how great she is at putting on a performance. But now, when they are at home and she is sporting a genuine smile, he finally feels himself relax a little.
Donna folds both hands around the cup of tea and lets the warmth seep into her fingers as she leans back into the pillows on the couch a little. It feels like weeks have passed since this morning. In the meantime she walked into the office wearing a white dress with long sleeves that did cover her wrists, but a wide neckline that did show some of the bruises on her shoulder. People either avoided her or came to ask her how she was, most of them equally concerned and uncomfortable around her. It took a lot of effort to keep smiling and pretend she was fine. And on top of that she also managed to get some work done. So now she feels drained, and her head is spinning. She is proud of what she did. And it was good to be out. Just like it's good to be back home, where she doesn't have to pretend. But where she also feels anxiety gripping her every time she looks at the kitchen.
"Is there anything you want now?" Harvey's warm voice pulls Donna from her thoughts. She looks up and hesitates for a second before nodding at him. "I want to find a therapist," she tells him. Going to therapy feels terrifying, and she is afraid she might not take the plunge if she puts it off. "Right, I just…" Harvey starts digging into the pockets of his suit, and eventually pulls out a piece of paper, "I spoke to Arthur this morning. I asked him if he knew therapists with experience in these kinds of situations." He smooths out the paper and hands it to her. She looks down to see three phone numbers scribbled down, and then looks back up, "thank you." She whispers.
An hour later, Donna has researched all three therapists and decided on an elderly woman with a clean website in warm colors. She has typed the number into her phone, but is now just staring at the icons on the screen. She looks at Harvey, who worked a little while she was researching, but is now sitting right next to her. "I-I don't think I can do it…" She admits, her voice falling below a whisper. He reaches for her hand, taking it in between both of his, feeling how much she is trembling. She squeezes tightly, hanging onto him as if her life depends on it. She swallows, and then she calls, before she can think about it any longer.
Harvey quietly listens to Donna's side of the call. She stumbles over her words when she briefly outlines her situation and her voice catches when she admits she needs help. He squeezes her – still trembling – hand softly. She answers a few general questions and then has to explain a little more about what happened. Tears roll down her cheeks and she is squeezing his hand so hard her knuckles turn white and his fingers start to hurt. But she manages to get through it, and eventually she disconnects the call, untangling her hand from Harvey's and instead wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her body into his. He pulls her a little closer, holding her tight, "you did great," he whispers as he presses a kiss into her hair. She takes shaky breaths, her body trembling against his, the tension that had been building now unloading. "I have an appointment next Tuesday," she whispers, her breath warm against his neck and her voice hoarse.
That afternoon, Donna naps on the couch for a while. Until a nightmare disturbs her peaceful sleep and she shoots up. Harvey – who was working at the kitchen table – immediately drops his pen and makes his way over to her. He soothingly rubs his hand over her back until she catches her breath. Then she throws the blanket back and pushes up, filled with restless energy. "Do you have time to go for a walk?" She asks him, her hazel eyes pleading. He quickly nods, and not long after they are walking hand in hand through the cold streets.
Over the next few days, Donna slowly finds a rhythm. Working in the morning, then going home with Harvey. Sometimes sleeping on the couch – depending on how her night was. Harvey working from home in the afternoons, but always making time to go for a walk with her. It works for her, but at the same time she knows that she is also avoiding confronting the images in her head. When she sleeps, she has no control over it and nightmares wreak havoc on her brain. But during the day she tries to keep herself busy. All the work and the walks are just running away. And she knows it, but she doesn't feel strong enough to do anything else.
On Thursday, Donna walks into Harvey's office a little before noon. Usually he picks her up, still too worried she is asking too much of herself. But today she is just really tired after a very fragmented night of sleep. He is on the phone, but acknowledges her presence with a soft smile. She lowers herself in the chair in front of his desk and listens as he finishes his call. "No, that won't work," she hears him say, "I'll have my secretary set up something as soon as possible, but I can't this afternoon." His words make a frown appear on her forehead, and as soon as he hangs up she opens her mouth, "are you canceling meetings for me?"
Harvey looks at her, a frown forming between his eyebrows as well, "yes…" He slowly answers. He thought she knew. How else could he be home with her so much? The muscles in her jaw firm a little, "you shouldn't do that." He huffs, "and leave you?" She quickly diverts her gaze and shrugs. "Hey," he leans against the edge of his desk, "it's okay. Mike, Rachel and I are dealing with it. I want to be able to be there for you. We all do." She looks up again, exhaling softly, "you shouldn't have to drop everything because of me…" Her teeth sink down in her bottom lip, "maybe Rach or Mike can work from our apartment while you take meetings?" She hesitantly suggests.
Harvey disagrees at first. He doesn't want to leave Donna if she is not comfortable. But he quickly realizes that is also makes her uncomfortable if he neglects his job for her. So with a long sigh he gives in to her and they call Mike and Rachel into the office to discuss the plan with them. They don't agree at once, afraid Donna is just trying to make all of their lives easier and ignoring her own needs in the process. But she seems calm and sure and then they agree, both secretly glad that she is allowing them to help as well, because over the last week they have felt immensely powerless.
Rachel only has calls and administrative work that afternoon, so she accompanies Donna home. It's sunny out, so they walk, a comfortable silence between them. Donna is tired, and while she is glad to have her best friend next to her, she doesn't have it in her to make small talk. Luckily, Rachel knows her well enough to give her space. When they get to the apartment, both of them settle on the couch. Donna curls into the corner and takes the book she is reading from the coffee table as Rachel takes her laptop and some files out of her purse.
After working for a while and making some calls, Rachel looks over at Donna, who has barely flipped a page since they got home. "Are you okay?" She softly asks. And then she sighs, because clearly Donna is not okay. It takes a few moments, but then Donna puts her book down and meets Rachels eyes, "I'm just trying to hold it together. But I feel so close to falling apart." Her teeth sink into her bottom lip, surprised by her own honesty.
"Oh Donna," Rachel lets out a breath and then moves closer to her friend, taking her hand, "you know it's okay to fall apart, right? After what you've been through nobody is expecting you to be this strong. Coming to work every day and pretending you're okay… You don't have to." She softly squeezes Donna's hand. "I know," Donna whispers, tears burning behind her eyes, "but… I don't think I can put myself back together if I fall apart now. I need help. I'm going to therapy on Tuesday. And until then I just need to hold on to whatever little sanity I have left."
Donna squeezes her eyes shut to prevent tears from falling. She feels Rachel softly squeeze her hand again, "whatever you need. You're so strong. We're all so proud of you. But also worried for you," she admits, "that you're pushing yourself too hard." She speaks the words Harvey has been thinking for days but is too afraid to say out loud. Donna looks up at her, a single tear rolling down her cheek, "I want to work," she starts, "staying home… Being here all day is driving me crazy." She explains, her voice soft and unsure. Rachel offers her a smile, "if that's what you need, that's what we'll help you with," she squeezes Donna's hand once more, "we're here for you. Mike and I as well as Harvey."
When Harvey gets home after his meeting, he is a little nervous. It's the first time he has left Donna, and he has been jittery ever since she and Rachel left the office. He walks into the living room, and feels all of his tension fade away when he finds the two women on the couch with cups of tea and smiles on their faces. "Hey," he smiles too, leaning forward to kiss Donna. She runs his fingers along his jaw and he lingers close for a second, looking into her eyes and quietly asking if she's really okay. But she seems fairly relaxed, besides pale and exhausted. He shrugs his jacket of and looks at Rachel, who offers him a reassuring smile; it went fine.
After Donna catches Harvey up on the few hours he missed and he tells her and Rachel about the meeting he had, they decide to invite Mike over as well and have dinner together. For the remaining hours of the afternoon, Harvey and Rachel get some work done while Donna takes a long, hot shower and then a short nap. They order in from a new Italian place Rachel discovered and by the time Mike arrives, they have pizzas and pasta displayed on the dinner table. It's a good night, and Donna finds comfort in the familiarity and the warmth, but just like a week ago, she feels disconnected. Despite Rachel selecting bits of the food that she loves. Despite Mike including her in the conversation every time she slips away. Despite Harvey's hand brushing over her thigh under the table. Despite all the love around her, she feels broken and out of place.