Chapter 11

The group was out of the house and walking down the drive quite quickly, though Rikki noticed that Zane was falling behind somewhat. She didn't want to swivel around and stare at him as he still seemed like he'd take fright and run, so she settled for listening to his uneven footfall. Eventually, though, as they reached the bottom of the path, she realised that she didn't know where it was they were going, exactly. Back to Lewis' hired car, sure, but then where? Her father had long since left the Gold Coast and she hadn't been back to visit Cleo and Lewis in years. Add to that her current fragility and the horrible realisation that she had just intentionally tortured a man she had known for years, and she wasn't feeling so certain.

"Where are we going?" she asked, hoping that she didn't sound as shaky as she felt.

Still trying to pretend you're tougher than nails, Rikki, eh?

"Back to our house," Cleo said kindly, clearly not falling for Rikki's front and looking at her askance. "And we're not taking no for an answer."

"No."

Rikki would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious. Contrarian Zane, who never went with the convention on anything if he could help it. It warmed part of her inside to think that he was still that same teenage boy, contradicting others just for the fun of it.

"Zane, it's fine, please–" Lewis started up, but Zane cut him off.

"I need to speak to Rikki alone."

Lewis was giving Rikki a look, clearly trying to tell her, without saying it aloud, that he wasn't prepared to leave Rikki alone with Zane. He was still clearly thinking of what had happened earlier in the day. He still considered Zane a danger to her.

"I trust Zane," Rikki said, gaining confidence in the words as she said them. "We can talk alone."

Lewis looked angry now. Perhaps he felt she was being reckless. But Rikki knew - the danger had passed. There was no more threat to her, not after what they had just been through.

"You can have the house to yourselves," Cleo offered, jumping in to break the tension. "Lewis and I will go get a takeaway for dinner. Maybe a curry?"

Zane looked at Cleo with something resembling frustration and shook his head.

"No, I'd prefer… What I mean is, it'd be easier for me if…"

He put his left hand in his long, uneven hair and gave it a brief tug. Rikki tried to think what it was he wanted to say but was either too uncomfortable or too anxious to tell them. Then it hit her. She thought about how when she was feeling tired, or ill, or even just annoyed, the best place for her was the water. It seemed to melt all the bad feelings away. She was craving it now, with all of the drama that had ensued. A soothing dip in the blue waters she could see just over the rise. Maybe it helped him, with all of the pain that he had endured and was surely still enduring, to be in the water.

"How about Mako?" she offered, giving him what she hoped was an encouraging smile. She was dismayed to see his eyes widen in alarm and he shook his head.

"No, no, not there," he said quickly. "The… maybe, the beach where we used to meet? When we were younger."

Mako was clearly not high on his list of destinations, for reasons she was sure were valid considering what had happened to him. The beach sounded good enough, but places changed, and maybe it had been discovered by others apart from their little group. She voiced that concern but Zane shook his head.

"Nobody goes there," he said. "Even now."

Rikki didn't think to ask how he knew. She didn't know exactly where he had been living and she shuddered to think of him sleeping alone on a beach. Even in the summer, it was a grim prospect.

"We'll go there," she agreed. "Come on, Lewis can drive us."

Zane looked at her, then back at the car that they had arrived in.

"We can just get there from here," he mumbled, his eyes drifting over to the water again.

Rikki exchanged a glance with Cleo, who looked like she was on the verge of tears. She always had so much empathy for those around her. Rikki had never particularly envied that trait, it seemed exhausting. Right now, though, empathy was what Zane needed most.

"Let's go," Rikki said, trying and failing to smile, but walking towards him.

"Guys," Lewis groaned. "Come on, the car is here, it's a short drive and then we'll–"

"We're going to go from here," Rikki said, now confidently standing next to Zane and looking up at him. He stared down at her with a look that she didn't want to scrutinise too closely. He looked so weary, as if he might collapse there and then.

"Come on," she whispered, and, with a wave towards Lewis and Cleo, she turned and took a few steps back towards the water, relieved to see that he was coming along and that Lewis and Cleo weren't going to fight her on this. She would have been lying to herself, of course, if she didn't also feel slightly frightened. It was still Zane, she knew, her Zane, somehow, but nothing could completely eliminate that memory of what had happened between them on that beach in suburban Sydney. She wasn't going to let that stop her from trying to bring him home, though. Even if she herself didn't know exactly where home was at that moment.

They continued to walk towards the water in silence, and with every step, Rikki became more and more aware of how badly Zane was doing. There was the limp of course, but also how out of breath he seemed. They were on the flat at this point, there was no hill to climb, yet she could still hear the heaving breaths he was taking as they walked along.

What else had they done to him? That list in his father's house had not been exhaustive. She wasn't sure if she wanted the full list, though, not least because she was worried that the darker side of him, which is what she had mostly seen since she seeing him again last night, might emerge and decide to linger. Rikki thought back to her own experience, not just the most recent, but that horrible day when they were still children, treading water and panicking that the worst fear they had had since becoming mermaids had finally come to pass. They would be exposed, captured, put on display. Nothing could have been more frightening. Except that they had moments, a few hours at most. Zane had spent years enduring all they had imagined and worse. It almost made her wish she hadn't stopped burning Harrison. Almost.

The truth was, she was grateful that she had stopped. She had never imagined using her power to intentionally harm someone. It was an intoxicating feeling, and that scared her a good deal. What must it feel like for Zane, who could hold the power of someone's life in his hands?

The sun had nearly set, but they were still making their way slowly towards the water. Rikki wondered for a moment how wise this decision was, to come down here where it was so heavily crowded with houses and people, and enter the water where everyone and anyone might see them.

"Zane," she said softly, and he paused for a moment, looking down at her. He didn't say anything, just stared at her with those eyes that looked so big in his thin face.

"I was just going to say, it's pretty crowded here," she said quietly, slightly startled as she made eye contact with him. "Maybe there's somewhere else we can go to get to the water where nobody will see us?"

At this, Zane gave a faint smile, one side of his mouth turning up slightly. It was a real smile and not just a grimace. A small sense of hope flared inside her that he was still there, under all the scars and injuries and pain.

"We don't need to worry about that," he told her. He continued towards the setting sun and the water, motioning to her to follow. She did, still wondering what it was that would actually make him smile in this moment.

As they neared the water, Rikki saw that there was a small path between two houses that led towards the beach. They walked down the path, and Rikki realised that Zane must know it well. He had grown up in this neighbourhood, lived here for many years. Maybe he had enjoyed walking down to the water. They had never really discussed it. At the end of the little walkway, sheltered by trees and gates on either side, Zane stopped, and turned to her.

"It's dark now, so you should be ok to get down there without anyone seeing you. Nobody around here would be down there right now. But I can teach you, if you'd like."

Rikki was about to ask what it was Zane was offering to teach her, when he held a hand in front of his chest and suddenly - he was gone!

"Zane!" she hissed, looking around.

"Still here," Zane's disembodied voice came from directly in front of her. Rikki stared ahead of her, wide-eyed with shock.

"Come on, I'll teach you later," she heard him say, and then he was shuffling towards the water. She could see the sand on the beach being displaced. Fortunately, the tide was high and there wasn't far to go.

Rikki ran towards the water and then there was a splash to her side, and she was changing. The transformation felt like a massive relief and she turned underwater to see…

There he was.

Even in the last bit of fading light, Rikki could see him clear as day. She had seen so much already, felt the reality of what had happened to him, but clearly nothing had quite prepared her for seeing her erstwhile boyfriend with a scaly, blue tail. She knew her mouth had fallen open, she could taste the salt water on her tongue, but she couldn't help it. He was looking at her, in turn, and then he reached out and grabbed her hand, giving it a tug.

Rikki shook herself out of her momentary stupor and allowed him to lead her, swimming, towards the spot they had agreed upon. She did her part in keeping up, of course, but she couldn't help but be distracted by the sight of Zane swimming alongside her. None of this felt real.

He stopped after a short while, and she realised that they were in shallower water again. He raised his head above the water's surface and she followed suit, allowing the current to bring her towards the beach. She saw as he sat up against one of the rocks that were stacked on the beach. He was watching her and she moved closer, sitting up on the sand, with a hand to prop her up next to the rocks.

He still hadn't said anything and she realised that she was taking her time examining him. Only the moonlight shone now, but it was enough to see by, and she was amazed to see that the injuries, scars and other damage that she had seen had completely vanished. A lot of words came to mind - whole, unhurt, healed - but instead she simply came out with, "You're perfect."

Zane smiled again, though a bit more wistfully than he had when he had been about to show her his disappearing trick.

"Perfect, except with a fish tail," he replied.

Rikki looked down then, and saw that his tail was gently floating to and fro in the surf. She looked back up at him, taking in all of him as he was now.

"Zane, I'm so sorry," she suddenly burst out. "I'm so sorry we didn't listen when you warned us about Denman, and I'm so sorry that–"

She stopped, and realised to her annoyance and frustration, that she was crying again. No tears for years and suddenly here she was, crying for what felt like the sixth time in the last 24 hours.

"I'm sorry that I didn't realise something was wrong when you called me, that last time," she finally managed, though she had to stifle a small sob as she said it. She remembered now so vividly how wrong he had sounded, how frightened and unhappy. Denman must have forced him to make that call.

She looked down at the waves rolling over her own tail and suddenly felt a hand settle on her cheek, wiping away the tears.

"Never thought I'd see that," he mumbled. "Rikki Chadwick, crying and apologising."

In other circumstances, those words would have incensed Rikki and she would have told him exactly what she thought of that opinion. But now all she felt was small and humbled.

"This body doesn't take a beating like the other one," Zane said, and she swivelled up to look at him. "It's like… it's like my human body is this punching bag, the whipping boy. Anything bad that would happen to me, as soon as I was in the water, I'd heal up as if it didn't happen at all. Like it's the goddamn portrait in the attic."

Rikki wondered when Zane had started making literary references or if this was something she just hadn't noticed about him before.

"You mean when you change back, when you're dry…" she started.

"Yeah," he agreed, not elaborating, but she understood what he meant. On land, he was broken. Here, in the water, he could be whole again.

"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked. "If you can," she added quickly. The last thing he needed was her pressuring him.

Zane sighed, and he looked at Rikki for what felt like an eternity. Then he told her, in unflinching, horrifying detail, what had happened from the moment he had last seen his father when he was only 18, until last night, when he had followed Cleo and Lewis to the facility where she had been taken. It took time, but she let him pace himself and say everything he might need to.

"It's funny," he finally said, what felt like hours later, "But when I'm in this body," and Rikki wondered again about the way he spoke about different bodies. "When I'm in this body, it's like what happened, it happened to someone else, or like I saw it in a film or something. It doesn't feel real. I don't feel…"

He was quiet for a much longer moment now.

"I don't feel crazy."

"You're not crazy!" Rikki protested hotly, and Zane looked dolefully at her.

"I'm not not crazy," he countered. "At least, not when I'm on land. You don't have to pretend, Rikki, you and I both know what I did. I hurt you."

"You were upset and scared," she tried to say, realising even as she said it, how ridiculous it was that she was defending how he had choked her.

"I was out of my mind," he replied. "I… I don't spend a lot of time in my right mind when I'm dry, to be honest. Like I told you, there's nothing really left for me on… on land."

Rikki stared at him, not sure of what to say next.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to tell me goodbye," she finally said, and she hoped he wouldn't take offense at the slightly caustic note in her voice.

Zane didn't say anything right away. He slowly took her hand in both of his, and held it in a firm grasp.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," Zane said quietly. "I didn't think saying goodbye was going to be an option. It's not easy."

"Then don't go," Rikki said briskly. "Why would you leave now? We've found each other, and we know everything! We can help you."

"Help me?" Zane echoed. "Help me with what?"

Rikki realised she didn't know how to answer that. Rehabilitation? Going back to life on land? Healing his broken body? The real answer wasn't that she knew how to help him. She just didn't want to lose him again. She didn't like that this seemed like a selfish impulse.

"I appreciate what you did back there, at my… my father's house," he said, barrelling along with whatever he wanted to say. Rikki let him, still stunned into silence. "And thank you for coming here with me and listening. But I have to go now."

"Where will you go?" Rikki finally said. "Where could be better than here?"

Zane didn't answer, he just turned his head towards the open ocean, the quiet Tasman Sea that would swallow him up and never let him go.

"Rikki, you've seen what's… what's left of me when I'm on land," Zane said, his words seeming to come out by force. His cheeks were burning, with shame, Rikki realised. She wanted so much for him to understand that there was absolutely nothing for him to be ashamed about. "I can't live among normal people," he continued. "And what's more… well, I just don't want to."

The silence stretched between them. The waves lapped against the shore and Rikki felt a wave of nausea as she realised that this story might not have a happy ending. Zane, at sea forever, alone. That was where he was headed, that was his bright idea.

"Have you…" she hesitated, not wanting to set him off with a suggestion to do something that he had already tried and that had hurt him more. The last thing she wanted was for him to hurt more. "What have you tried to do to get better?"

Zane stared at her, and even in the darkness, she could see that ferocity that was now always latent in his face. He pulled his hands away from hers, finally. That question had been a mistake.

"Better?" he repeated. "Rikki, there is no better. I don't think you understand."

"I understand that you were hurt, and we abandoned you," Rikki said, letting some of her emotion into her voice. She was no longer worried about scaring him off. She was more worried that he'd leave no matter what she said or did. "I can't pretend to understand what you went through, but I'm here now. Why can't that be enough?"

The ferocity faded from his face and he just looked sad now. Distant and sad.

"There is no doctor that can help me," he said softly. "There is no medicine for me to take. There is nothing that can help me deal with all of… with all of it when I am dry." He seemed to spit the last word out. "It's why I wanted to talk with you here, without everything clouding my thoughts. I don't have options."

"You can stay here, though," Rikki tried again, though she realised she was shivering a bit. He had spoken about the things that had been done to him, but he had never spoken about what he felt like now. The very idea of unending pain was horrifying.

"Stay nearby, you mean?" he asked. "Like a dog on a lead?"

"Zane, no!" Rikki exclaimed. "You know that's not what I meant!"

"Do you want me to stay here for my sake or for yours?"

"I…"

Rikki realised that this was exactly what she had been thinking earlier.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I just know that if you leave, I'll never have a moment's peace. I know that I genuinely care about you and I want to at least try–" She was about to say, 'being a couple', but knew that would sound childish in the serious reality they were currently facing. Boyfriend and girlfriend dynamics didn't seem to matter so much to someone who was clearly suffering from PTSD and who knew what else.

"Try what?" he interrupted her thoughts.

"Try this again," she said gently, taking his hand. "Try being Zane and Rikki again."

She almost wished she hadn't said it, as she saw his face fall. He looked like he might cry.

"I wish that could be possible," he said, holding on tightly to her hand now, and looking down at the water again. "But you have a life to live, on land, with your friends and your family. I can only offer you half a life. That's not even worth trying."

Rikki knew that he was telling her the truth, and that it killed him to have to say it. He wasn't being stubborn or trying to offend her with what he was saying. There was simply the fact that, for his own wellbeing, he could not return to a life on land. Rikki bit her lip as she looked deep into his eyes, trying to frantically think of the right thing to say that would prevent him from disappearing into the water. Because as much as she knew he couldn't come back on shore with her, she also knew that what she said was also true. She would spend the rest of her life wondering about him, hoping that he was ok, knowing that he couldn't be because he would be all alone.

Was the answer to go with him? To live out her days swimming in the sea like any other wild creature? At least she wouldn't be alone, nor would he. They would have each other. Even so, it was something she shrank from. She wasn't the most social person, but even she needed more than just open water and only Zane to fill the rest of her days. That was assuming it would even work, and he wasn't completely changed by the events of the last six years.

What did that leave her with? Was there a way to maybe make Zane fully human again, take away his powers? If it were possible, that might make things worse, as it could leave him permanently crippled without even the relief that taking merman form afforded him. Her mind dashed here and there, and Zane sat patiently, waiting for her to accept the reality and let him go. He had clearly already made his peace with his grim future.

Only one small thought came to her, and it was such a throwaway idea that she almost didn't voice it. But when there was nothing to lose, she may as well suggest it.

"Did you ever go back to Mako?" she asked him.

Zane swallowed slowly, nervously, and Rikki watched his eyes dart away.

"No," he said. "Not since that day. I wasn't even conscious when they…"

He let his words trail off, but Rikki didn't need him to finish. He had already told her about the night he was changed.

"What if that's the answer?" she said. "What if the moon pool and the moon could fix things?"

Zane didn't answer, didn't respond in any way, and she decided to press her advantage.

"The full moon is in a few days. Four days. Stay until then, and we'll go together and maybe the moon pool will–"

"No!" his sudden vehemence threw her off. He released her hand again, and drew away from her, further towards the deeper water. "Why can't you accept that it's over? I have!"

"It isn't over," she shot back, just as vehement, just as fired up. "I won't accept defeat!" She pushed herself out into the water to join him there. She wasn't going to let him just swim out of her life.

"Why are you doing this?" he shot back. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because what happened to you is my fault!" she nearly screamed at him. "Because every single time when we were kids and I thought an ill thought against you, every minor transgression that I used to mentally calculate how awful you were and how I was allowed to hate you – you've paid for it with flesh and blood and loneliness. There was a time when I really loved you. I don't know if that's still the case, but I also know I want to find out. And now I'm supposed to just let you disappear without even trying to fix things?"

"I'm not a thing you can fix," Zane said, now starting to get really angry. Maybe that was what did it, seeing that the Zane she knew, with his fiery temper and passion, was still there, in spite of everything. She knew in that moment, clear as anything, that he wasn't beyond reach. She knew that her idea on Mako could work. She just needed to persuade him.

"I'm asking for four days, Zane," she said evenly, trying to bring her own tone down from its near-hysteria. "If it doesn't work, you can leave and do whatever you were planning to do. Just four days later."

He was staring at her, wide-eyed and angry, but he was still there and listening. It wasn't a complete disaster.

"Besides, you said you'd teach me that invisibility trick," she added, making the gesture against her chest that she had seen him make earlier. "You can't leave before you've taught me that."

He was breathing heavily, staring at her, and finally, gruffly, he nodded his assent.

"Four days. I'll teach you how to do… that. We'll go to Mako," the word came out as a shudder. "It won't work. And then I'm leaving."

"Ok," Rikki agreed. "It's a deal."

"Meet me back here tomorrow, around sunset," he told her. "Go to Lewis and Cleo's for now, they'll take you in."

She was about to ask where he was going to spend the night, but remembered how he had told her that he had spent more than a few nights in the last few years on his own, in the water. Maybe it was better not to know.

"I don't know where they live," she admitted sheepishly. "We haven't really stayed in touch."

Zane gave a slight snort of derision.

"You've really matured," he said, sarcastically.

Rikki was about to retort, but bit it back, allowing herself to take a small comfort in the fact that he was joking at all, even if it was at her expense.

"You know me, always making and keeping friends everywhere I go," she said, and she allowed herself to smile.

"Come on, follow me," Zane said, diving under the water. Rikki exhaled deeply, and followed him. She had won a brief reprieve. She'd need to talk to Lewis and Cleo, because if her idea about the full moon didn't work, she didn't know what else she could do to keep him there. More than anything, she knew now she needed to keep him with her.