Chapter 4

Trip didn't even bother to check the time. He sat on the floor with his back against the bulkhead. It didn't matter how many hours he had spent alone in the shuttlepod. Enterprise was not coming back. He refused to think that anything serious had happened to the ship. She was indestructible. So, the only logic explanation was that Archer had abandoned him. Come to think of it, why would he order him to collect a few samples from a planetoid in the first place? It was a task for a bunch of ensigns, not for the chief engineer. He probably had ordered Travis to set a course as soon as the shuttlebay doors had closed shut behind him.

"You really think that, do you?" a voice answered him, with an amused chuckle. "You know you're imagining things from plain sleep deprivation and hunger."

Trip was surprised enough to open his eyes. Was he already starting to hallucinate? To imagine voices?

Someone was sitting against the bulkhead opposite to him. Trip rubbed his eyes but the image didn't vanish. "A. G.?" he asked incredulously when he recognized the face. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd pay you a visit, while I was passing by," his old friend A. G. Robinson replied cheerfully.

"Yeah, sure." Trip sighed. Obviously, he had started to hallucinate. Maybe death would come sooner rather than later and put an end to his misery. But for what was worth, it was nice to spend his last hours in the company of a friend, even if it was an imagined one. He chuckled. "Nice of you to make a stop here. How've you been?"

"Ah, I'm fine. Never better, actually. Do you really think Jon would abandon you?"

"Apparently he has. And it serves me right."

"Oh, come on, Trip. You've done nothing wrong."

"Really? I'm responsible for the cogenitor's death." Briefly Trip considered explaining to A. G. who the cogenitor was, but decided against it. He was an image, conjured up by his own brain, so he should know. And apparently, he did.

"That's nonsense. You didn't kill Charles. The cogenitor took her own life."

"She would have been perfectly content with her life. But she couldn't go on like that after I showed her the alternatives."

"But that's not your fault. If anything, it's the Vissians'. What if they had allowed her to do all the things you showed her she could do, read books, climb mountains? It wasn't too much to ask."

"But they didn't."

"Yes. THEY didn't. It was not your fault."

"But if I hadn't …"

"Shhh, you gave her something very valuable. You gave her a sense of herself and some joy."

"Joy?"

"You showed her what she was capable of and I think she was grateful for that."

"Still, she killed herself."

"She didn't want to live that dull life anymore and that was her decision. At least that last decision was hers to take. Her whole life she was told what she had to do, and you gave her the courage to stand up for herself and do what she wanted with her life and not let others dictate her actions."

Trip didn't answer. He had never looked at her death like that.

"Let me try this. Your girlfriend Natalie, what if she couldn't have lived without you and had killed herself instead of breaking up with you."

"Natalie?" Trip huffed. "She's not the type."

"Humor me. Would it have been your fault because you did your job and followed the order to report to Enterprise?"

"I guess not."

"Exactly. We are all responsible for our own decisions and actions. You didn't tell Charles to end her life."

"But she would still be alive if I had left her alone."

"Maybe. Who knows. Maybe someone else would have shown her what she had missed."

Trip shivered. He was miserably cold, although his face was sweaty. "I'm not feeling so good." He closed his eyes.

"Come on Trip, stay with me."

"There's nothing else for me to do than sleep and wait to die."

"Ahh, bullshit. Hey, what happened to sunshine Tucker?"

"Sunshine Tucker?" Trip smirked.

"You're always seeing the good in things. I always envied you for that. Don't stop now."

"There's nothing good or sunny in my situation. Enterprise has abandoned me."

"That's the fever talking. If you were in your right mind you would never assume that."

"It's not an assumption. If Jon hasn't left me, then where is he?"

"Maybe you should have turned on the transceiver, then they would have known the Shuttlepod was missing when they left."

"Huh?" Trip's gaze went to the control panels. "Why would the transceiver be offline?"

"I guess it happened accidentally during the last post-flight check."

"But why don't they respond to my hails? They can't be so far away."

"No, but maybe there are some technical issues."

"The frequencies are open."

"Yes, they are, but still, your hails aren't getting through. Do you know what that toxic mist is capable of?"

"Blocking my calls?" The thought piqued Trip's interest.

"The pod is covered with the stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if it interferes with communications."

A. G. got up. "I have to go now, Trip."

"Hey man, you can't do that. Stay with me."

"I'm sorry, but Caroline is waiting for me. And I have another stop to make. But I want you to switch that transceiver on. Now!"

"Later. I'm too tired. Why can't you do it?"

A. G. only smiled. Of course, a figment of your imagination couldn't actually do physical things. But why was he being so adamant? Trip's foggy brain must have sensed the urgency to act. He idly wondered why his subconscious had remembered the transceiver being offline, something he hadn't consciously noticed. He remembered the feeling of having forgotten something when he had taken off, so maybe he had caught a glimpse of the transceiver and his sleep-deprived and pain-filled brain had only now finally started to connect the dots.

"Don't twist your brain, Trippy." A. G. chuckled. "Just get up and switch it on."

Awkwardly, Trip scrambled to his feet, flinching when his calf dragged over the floor. He swayed and reached for A. G.'s arm for support, but his hand went right through, causing him to fall back on his knees. He cried out and grabbed the pilot's chair just before keeling over. What was he thinking, trying to hold on to an imaginary person?

"Sorry, pal." A. G. shrugged, an amused expression on his face. "Can't give you much support here."

"I know." Trip took a deep breath, trying to get the piercing headache under control. He struggled to get up and with an effort reached over to the transceiver, switching it on. Slowly, he let himself slide back to the floor.

"Attaboy." A. G. nodded. "It was an honor knowing you, Trip. You've been a good friend. Watch out for Jon, will you? Don't let him get too cocky over being the captain of Earth's first Warp 5 vessel. I still think it should have been me. I wouldn't have given you such a hard time over the cogenitor."

"Yeah, I guess you would've been a fine captain as well. Maybe you'll get the Columbia, once she's ready."

"Don't think so. Now hang on, Trip. Enterprise is already on her way. Stay put."

"Didn't intend to go anywhere," Trip muttered. When he looked up, A. G. was gone.

Jonathan Archer restlessly turned around in his bed. It had been a long day, not because it had been stressful, but because it had been so annoying having to rush back to the place where they had been two days before. And why? Because Trip hadn't followed protocol. Jon was still pissed. Even more than before, because Trip had caused another incident. He had switched off the transceiver, hadn't reported his departure and was blocking Enterpris's hails. To Jon, it felt like Trip had done all this on purpose, just to anger his captain. And he had succeeded in doing so. Still upset, Archer had ordered the helmsman of the night shift to go to Warp 3.2. There was nothing dangerous in the vicinity of the planetoid, so Trip was safe, and it made no sense wrecking the engines by keeping almost Warp 5 for the whole time. Trip could stew there a little while longer and think about what he'd done. It meant another delay before they could explore that nebula, but it was the reasonable thing to do.

"Warp 3.2, Jon? Really?"

Jon started badly when he heard the voice. Was there an intruder on Enterprise? Porthos raised his head, let out a friendly bark and wiggled his tail. So, not a stranger. The voice had sounded familiar, although he couldn't place it. Nervously, he reached for the light and switched it on. Blinking against the brightness, he recognized a familiar figure sitting on the chair with his legs spread out. He was transparent and somewhat flickering, but Jon recognized him at once. "A. G.? What the hell are you doing here?"

A. G. just looked at him with his eyebrows raised.

Jon must be dreaming. That was the only explanation. So, he just went along. "I have reduced speed to give the engines a break," he explained to his friend.

"Bullshit. You want to punish Trip, because you think he ruined your friendship with the slave owner."

"Slave owner?" Jon sat up. "What's that supposed to mean? The Vissians are no slave owners."

"Oh, that's what you heard. Okay. Let's talk about the Vissians first. Why do you think that? Because they're technologically advanced? Have you even bothered to look into the cogenitor's life circumstances? The southerners on Earth, back in the old days, at least had the decency to allow their slaves to have names. The cogenitor didn't even have that, did you know that? She sits there in her room the whole day and sometimes she's allowed to come out and have dinner with their owners. And no one ever speaks to her. Heck, I would have killed myself, too, if someone had made me aware of my misery."

"And that's the point. Trip had no right to interfere."

"He wasn't interfering. He was just friendly to her, treated her like the human being that she was. And showing her what potential she had."

"And that's exactly what he shouldn't have done."

"Really, Jon? How many times have you interfered with other people's lives, with other species? Trip was right. Normally, you would have done the same. You have always been a stickler for justice. And if you hadn't been so fiercely in punisher mode, you would have understood. But your head was just too far up the ass of your new friend to notice the cogenitor's suffering."

"I took her plea for asylum into consideration."

"Nah, you didn't. You never even bothered to learn about her situation. You should have talked to Trip instead of judging him, then you might have done the right thing. But you had already decided from the first second on that you'd send her back. You just wanted to impress Drennik, because you were tired of being the inferior one. You wanted to feel important, with all that talking about asylum. Actually, I blame you for the cogenitor's death. You could have used your friendship with Drennik and talked to him about Charles, convinced him to help her. Let her have books, watch a few documentaries, maybe even engage in a hobby. You know, it's all about the outcome. If they had done all that, it could have been the first step towards giving all the cogenitors a better life. Maybe in a few hundred years they would have been equal to the two other genders. I think Trip would have been their hero then. Trip Tucker, the human who showed the cogenitors what they could be. It isn't Trip's fault that this can't happen. That the Vissians have refused her the most natural rights. Actually, they're not only slave owners, they're sex traffickers."

"Now wait a minute."

A. G. held up his hand. "Think about it, Jon. The only purpose of the cogenitors is to help conceive babies. How do you guess they're involved? I doubt they just have to watch a couple making love to each other. D'you know what their part is in the conceiving process? Maybe the cogenitors are the ones who have to carry and deliver the baby. And once the baby is born, they are shipped off to the next couple, going through the same ordeal again. And again. I don't think they're asked to give their consent. Tell me how that is not sex trafficking."

"It's their way of life."

"Really? I guess you could say the same about the poor black people who were enslaved back in the day. Being slaves became their way of life, too, so they had to like it?" When Archer stayed silent, A. G. went on: "It's a wrong way. And that's what Trip had realized. He tried to show Charles that people can be different, that they can be kind and friendly. She trusted him and became convinced that all humans were like him. But then, the almighty Captain Archer came and crushed her dreams, instead of helping her making the Vissians understand. You're such a great diplomat, Jon, but you didn't even bother to help her. Instead you blamed Trip for the outcome. Instead of being a friend to him, listening to him, talking to him, telling him that you understand, which you clearly don't because you don't even try, and helping him with his crushing guilt, you added to it by telling him that he's responsible. You really are a lousy friend, Jon. And why? Because of your bruised ego. Because you couldn't have anything tarnish your beautiful friendship with Drennik. But this is not about you and your two-day friendship with a man you most likely will never see again. This is about Trip, your friend of many years. Who always had your back, no matter how questionable some of your actions were."

"Questionable actions?"

"Come on, we both know there are a few situations you could have handled better. You're only human, Jon, and humans make mistakes. But Trip always supported you, why can't you do the same for him?"

Jon fell silent.

A. G. stood up. "Look, I know you're pissed. Maybe rightfully so. Trip had no business going into that room when only the cogenitor was there. Maybe he shouldn't have spoken to her at all, but he didn't know what would happen."

"Exactly. He never thinks of the possible consequences."

"But you do, don't you? Let me ask you, Jon: when you rescued those Sulibans from that prison, did you ever stop to think that it could have gone wrong?"

"They knew the risks and were willing to take them."

"I bet Charles knew the risk as well and was willing to take it, yet you still blame Trip for the outcome."

"That's different."

"Yeah? Why? Because the outcome was bad? Or because you're the captain? Anyway, if Trip had died in that godforsaken desert, it would have been your fault."

"Why? It was Zobral who took us there. And it was the Torothans who shot at us."

"Right. But why did Zobral invite you in the first place? Because he thought you're a war hero."

"He was misinformed. How could I ever foresee something like that?"

"Oh, I see, you think, Trip should have considered that Charles might kill herself because he talked to her and showed her how to read?"

"Maybe not. But …"

"There is no but, Jon. Trip was just being Trip, kind to everyone. The rest just got out of hand. He hadn't planned or foreseen any of it. The problem is, that you never talked to him about it, like a friend would do. Like a good captain would do. Then you would have realized how much he is suffering. Are you aware of the fact that he gets nauseous every time he tries to eat something and throws up what little he forces down? You should talk to Phlox about that. Do you know that Trip hasn't eaten or slept properly for more than two weeks now? Not only because of the devastating guilt he's feeling, but also because he thinks he has lost your friendship for good. He's not even blaming you for letting him down, he blames himself for it. And by the way, did you know that the shuttlepod wasn't restocked with provisions after you ordered its complete overhaul? That's also when a young ensign accidentally switched off the transceiver. And now Trip's out there with nothing to eat, and his best friend, - sorry, former best friend - takes all his sweet time getting to him."

"I can't go full speed all the time."

"Spare me the crap, Jon. There's a big difference between Warp 5 and 3.2, and if you're not aware of that, maybe you shouldn't be captain. You want to punish Trip by limping to him. Are you really comfortable with the thought that he's been alone out there for three days now?"

"He's safe in the shuttlepod. And he can always hail us."

"Oh, so not only did you think that he had switched off the transceiver, but also that he's purposely blocking Enterprise's calls. What is wrong with you, Jonathan Archer? Why would he do something like that? Why do you blame Trip for everything that goes wrong? Let me tell you that the planetoid's toxic atmosphere interferes with the comm frequencies. Only very short range is possible with the pod covered in that waste. But Trip doesn't know that. By now he thinks that you have abandoned him, that you purposely sent him to the planetoid to leave him there."

"I would never do something like that."

"So why is Trip thinking that you want to get rid of him, the engineer who can't do anything right, and always screws up?"

"That's not true, Trip is the best engineer in Starfleet. He's only still a bit inexperienced with other species. But we all are." Jon pondered his own words.

"You should think about that a bit." A. G. smiled sadly. "What happened to you, Jon? Where does this hate and distrust against Trip suddenly come from?"

"I don't hate him, he's my friend."

"Then why don't you act like one? You should stop worrying about your relationship with Drennik and whether Trip has ruined it, because he hasn't, and even if he had, it wouldn't matter anyway. Instead, you should consider how to show Trip that you're still his friend."

Jon bit his lip.

"And stop taking your sweet time. Do you even know how long it will take you to reach him at Warp 3.2? I wonder what your officers even think of your decision to slow down so considerably."

"We have no means to locate him with the transceiver offline."

"That's a problem for when you're in the vicinity of the planetoid. You can locate that, can't you? By the way, Trip brought the transceiver online again, so that's not a problem anymore." A. G. sighed. "Look, Jon, you can be such a great friend. I know you can mend fences with Trip, if you want to. But you have to acknowledge your own part in this mess. Stop pretending that everything is Trip's fault and that he did all of that on purpose, because it's just not true." He hesitated. "I have to go. Let me tell you that I'm honored that I was your friend. Take care of yourself, it was nice seeing you once again. But one last advice: if you don't want to experience the guilt of being responsible for someone's death yourself, you should speed her up a bit." A. G. walked to the door.

"Wait, what do you mean?"

But A. G. didn't look back. Just before he reached the door he became even more transparent and disappeared.

Trip shivered. He felt miserably and his leg was giving him hell. He wondered how a simple cut could hurt so much. It was like his whole leg was on fire and took every little ounce of strength that he had left out of his body. He was so weak he could barely move a finger. He had dragged himself to the controls to turn the heat up, but he was still shivering. He should get up and get a blanket from the compartment in the rear, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Why bother anyway? Jon had left him there to die, and he couldn't give a crap if it was today or tomorrow. A. G. said that Jon would come for him, but A. G. had been a hallucination. Trip regretted that he was gone. The conversation with his imagined friend had helped him understand a few things. He still felt guilty about Charles's death, but he hadn't been responsible. He realized that now. The thought wasn't as comforting as he had wished, though, because it didn't help if he stopped blaming himself when Jon didn't.

Trip winced. His empty stomach had started to cramp again. His insides churned and twisted and a wave of nausea washed over him.

A static noise came from the comm and startled him. Yes, the universe was definitely mocking him. Last time, when he'd been stranded in Shuttlepod One with Malcolm, that noise had been Hoshi, but this time it was just that, static noise that meant nothing. This time he would really die in this pod. And it was okay. Shivering, Trip closed his eyes, regretting only for a moment that he would never see his friends again.

Jon was deep in thought when he entered the turbolift. During the rest of the night he had pondered his dream. It had felt so real. How could his own subconscious admonish him for being a dick? Either way, it had helped him to understand. He had no idea why he had been so angry. Maybe Dream A. G. was right. It had been the easiest first contact ever and he had valued his time with Drennik. He had been afraid that Trip's action might have irreparably ruined it, but that was no reason to be so hard on him. His friend certainly hadn't intended for the cogenitor to commit suicide. Briefly, he wondered if it was true that Trip hadn't slept or eaten since then. His subconscious couldn't know that, could it? Maybe it had made it up just for drama. Perhaps his dream also wanted to remind him that he hadn't reached out to A. G. for quite some time. He should change that. But first it was important to retrieve his friend. With a pang of guilt, he thought how petty it had been of him to reduce the speed to Warp 3.2 for the night. He had given the order to pick up speed as soon as he had woken from his dream, but they had lost a lot of time.

When the turbolift doors opened, his eyebrows lifted at the sight of the complete A-shift already present, although their shift didn't start for another half an hour. "What are you doing here already?" he asked with a small smile.

Malcolm turned to him. "Apparently none of us could go to sleep with Trip missing."

"Any news?"

"The transceiver has come online again. We were able to pinpoint Commander Tucker's location."

"Good. Can we hold this speed, Travis?"

"Without problems, Sir. Engineering is doing constant maintenance to keep the engines at full power."

"Can we hail Trip, Hoshi?"

Hoshi shook her head. "Our calls are not going through. I have no idea why."

"The shuttlepod was coated in a toxic film when it came back from the surface the first time. I guess it's the same now and the residue is blocking long range comms. Keep trying, Hoshi, maybe you'll get through once we're closer."

"Yes, sir. Do you think he's okay?"

"Of course. He's just waiting for us to come back."

"Guess by now he thinks we've abandoned him," Malcolm muttered under his breath, but Archer heard him all the same.

"He knows that we'll come for him. And apparently he's realized that the transceiver was offline and has switched it back on." Briefly, Archer wondered why his dream had told him about the transceiver being online again. Another dream mystery. "What's our ETA, T'Pol?"

"If we can maintain top speed for the whole time, sometime around twenty-one hundred hours."

Archer nodded pensively. He had wasted too much time with his decision to slow down. He was glad that neither Travis nor T'Pol both of whom would have studied the speed logs, had mentioned it. Malcolm too was capable of doing the math.

"You have the bridge, T'Pol. I'll be in my ready room."