Chapter 17: Too Close to the Sun

Not even a few after hours after Robin's return did Starfire take Bee's advice and tell Raven her truth. Whisked away by the empath, Starfire was spooked by the Boy Wonder's sudden appearance and unsure as to how to proceed. It was an outpour as all her emotional conflictions and details of her and Speedy's entanglement since their last conversation came forth. How things were relentlessly complicated as Robin still held a part of her heart. How seeing him again made this week of contemplation more difficult and complex.

Raven listened in her quiet way, not saying a word, only acting to siphon off some of Starfire's extra emotions so she could speak with a clear mind. Starfire finished, waiting in Raven's calming wake.

"This is a delicate path you are traveling here, Starfire," Raven said, letting out a huff of breath. "I fear you risk losing one or both if you continue to waver much longer. And Bee nor I nor anyone else for that matter can make that decision for you."

Starfire's stomachs pinched in discomfort, nodding half-heartedly in agreement. She knew. Starfire had always known but Raven continued.

"And as much as you love Robin, you left for a reason. You left him," Raven reminded her, blunt in her assessment but trying to be as gentle as she could. "Have you even found what you are looking for yet? You cannot be certain that Robin will change if you decide to go back down that path."

Starfire stumbled in her response. "I…I found Speedy. And he found me. He was there when I needed him the most and I have changed because of it. Because of him." And in speaking those words, it brought some clarity, shined a bright spotlight.

Until Raven said, "Do you love him, too? Speedy, I mean?"

Starfire's heart stopped at that question, her pause giving Raven the answer she needed.

"I could," Starfire answered honestly, but hesitant.

Silence.

Raven gave her a meaningful stare.

"A clear mind leads to a clear and full heart," Raven finally declared, dragging Starfire from where they sat on her bed and to the middle of the bedroom. Raven tucked her legs underneath her as Starfire followed suit, both holding hands as they hovered together. "That is the first step. Communication is the second. Talk to Robin. Make idle chit-chat. Have a heart-to-heart. Whatever you need to do to feel him and yourself out. Maybe friendship is the path. Then go back to Titans East and do the same with Speedy."

Starfire gave her a bland look, unsure. "Robin can barely look at me, let alone speak to me."

"He doesn't hate you, Star. He's just hurting."

A tinge of relief. A glimmer of hope. A pang of guilt at both as a certain redhead flashed in her mind.

"I would advise not to drag this out though. You'll only end up hurting them and yourself more."

Starfire looked at her friend, squeezing her hands in thank you as Raven squeezed back, a slight curve gracing Starfire's lips to form a melancholy smile.

"Now, let's meditate."

Both girls bobbed up and down as they focused on their meditative chants and breathing. Taking in air and trying to expel the tension within herself, Starfire tried to find clarity within, to dig deep into a true desire that Raven said existed inside herself.

A precious day passed and Robin did not resurface.

To Starfire, this was to be expected. When it came to these bouts of hiding, investigating in the name of justice, nothing could tear him away from that room and finding a possible lead or answer. Not knowing when he would reemerge, when he would decide the job was well and done, or when fate would decide that they should cross paths again, Starfire decided to take things into her own hands.

Staring at the door to Robin's office, after having dinner with the rest of the team, her hand was poised to knock. It was then another life flashed before her eyes and memories hit her like waves. Ones where she brought food and coffee to him so he could continue to work. Ones where she begged him to come out and be with their friends. Ones where these same doors were closed in her face. Ones where he seethed and raged by himself as he detonated in grief.

Those thoughts alone signaled to her that this was a bad idea. That maybe these lingering memories in the Tower were too powerful to overcome, tainting all the good ones that remained on the wayside. Backing away a step and lowering her hand, she was stopped in her second-guessing as the doors opened quickly, Robin rushing through just as fast only to run face-to-face into Starfire.

She jumped, startled by his body pressing into hers, his face brushing against her cheek. He bumped her hard enough that she started to fall backward, his hands gripping her biceps the only thing grounding her feet to the floor.

Once their bodies stopped moving, Robin stiffened at their positioning, righting her more so that he could release her, coughing into his gloved hand. He then took a step back to respect her space.

Pain sliced her features at his movement, something that if Robin caught, he didn't let on, his stoic expression in place just like his mask.

"Greetings," Starfire said lamely, failing to have a prepared excuse for showing up at his doorstep.

"Hey," he said brusquely back, the warm tone he usually reserved for her long gone and now laced with forced boredom. But as he looked directly at her, expectant as to what she wanted, taking in every line, sharp edge, and curve, taking in that lovely face that held no amount of malice, he saw maybe the tiniest bit of hope shining through her eyes.

Confusion colored him.

"I apologize. I did not mean to bother you, just merely wanted to greet you properly. You departed in a hurry yesterday."

Strange, Robin thought. Everything about this was strange. Why seek him out now when she had specifically come to visit when he was supposed to be out of town? Maybe this was her extending an olive branch, a truce to being civil during the next few days. But if that were so, why was there a blush across her cheeks? Probably just from running into each other, nothing more, but still, she was flustered. Just as she was yesterday when she first saw him. Why would that be when…

"I'm sorry. I've had a lot on my mind," was all he said in response. Point blank. Aloof. Cutting off any of his thoughts that would bring a semblance of hope.

"I understand," Starfire acknowledged. Fully understanding his double meaning, that she might have something to do with that. She instead said, "You have been busy. With the Batman. With work."

He nodded, accepting her excuse for being rude as he scratched the back of his head.

Didn't she see that this hurt too much? That she didn't need to pretend that there was any sort of relationship between them? She didn't need to force herself to be near him. Didn't need her to pretend that she hadn't ignored his message.

He said as much, declaring, "We don't have to do this, Starfire. Really, it's ok."

Starfire cocked her head to the side, a gesture she used when she was confused. One he used to find cute. Still did.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," he said, a bit more icily than he meant, gesturing between the two of them with his hand, "that we don't have to pretend to be something we aren't."

Starfire took him in, a rip forming where her heart used to be. Not anticipating that this conversation would veer in this direction, veer right off the road, though she should have. Should have realized he would react this way.

He had every right to, after everything.

He was stern, arms crossed across his chest, and she wrung her hands painfully as she said, "I believed us to still be friends."

"We haven't spoken in months." He said this statement softly, factually, the venom from before leaking out and disappointment coating his words. "And you didn't respond to my message. I tried to reach out."

Her mouth turned to ash and Starfire swallowed, bile rising in her throat.

"I did not even open it. I was afraid to," she confessed, pleading with him to understand.

Looking at her, Robin forced himself to say his next sentence. As it left his lips, it gutted him.

"Because of Speedy?"

And there it was. Laid out before him and Starfire was their ugly reality. The thing that kept him up at night and the thing that tore Starfire in two. Her look softened, no words finding their way to her as she forced herself to gaze into that hurt that nestled into his features. Into his frown. Into his posture, as if in flight or fight mode. Into his entire being.

When she didn't supply an answer right away, he continued, a non-answer enough for him.

"That's what I thought."

He went to walk away from the conversation, but Starfire was quicker, stepping in front of him to block his way, imploring him to hear her out.

"Yes," she breathed, frantic in her explanation. "It was because of Speedy but also…" She did a counted breath, not sure if it was wise to say what she was about to say. Potentially undoing or remaking everything that had happened over the last couple of months. She confessed, "I would have broken. Depending on the message received, it would have broken me. Undone everything I was trying to achieve by transferring."

Robin went dead still. His perfectly composed mask faltered, revealing that same despair for a fraction of a second before the wall returned.

"Well, you broke me. I broke the day you left the team and I broke when it only took you a month to replace me." She gaped, about to reply when he cut her off. A fit of quiet anger releasing. "I was so angry with you. For so long. After piecing everything together. After the party. After that unread message…" He shook his head in slight frustration, saying quietly, "Sometimes, I still am."

Tears brightened the corner of her eyes, deep hurt replacing the shame she briefly felt. That pain intermingled with an emptiness that was emerging, words forming to console him but then failing to fully take shape.

His stare pierced straight through her.

"It was never my intention," she said. The only thing she could conjure up.

Robin turned his head, looking away as if he couldn't stomach much more of this conversation.

He asked softly then, still not meeting her eyes, "Is it serious? Between you and him?"

A sudden flash of Speedy's handsome, devilish smirk. An echo of his laugh that was unabashedly beautiful. The gaze of his hunter green eyes on her, also waiting for her answer.

"It was beginning to be."

Those green eyes shuddered in her mind while Robin looked back at her, catching the past tense.

"But?"

Too late to lie, to be diplomatic, to be neutral. Too late to enact Raven's advice.

She swallowed, a single tear slipping free, not a wobble to be heard in her voice.

"You got in the way."