Chapter 3: The Pauling Equation
The mercenaries all opened the front door with faux smiles on their faces.
"Greetings, Miss Pauling", Heavy said cheerfully, as if they hadn't just lost three comrades in a week.
"Hey, guys", Pauling said in a cheerful tone. "May I?"
In unison, the mercenaries began mumbling to each other, backing up so that Miss Pauling could walk through the door. She cheerfully stepped through, clipboard in hand, jotting down notes as she went. When she was past the group, she turned to face them, and began her speech.
"Right, guys", she said to the still-smiling group, "as you are all probably aware, Scout is missing."
The Pyro mumbled something in what sounded like shocked surprise.
"Undoubtedly, he isn't here", Miss Pauling continued, "and I'm sure you all looked already. But the best place to start looking for a missing person is where they are at the most, that being this base and his home. I've already sought cooperation from his mother."
A few of the mercs glanced at each other. Pauling scribbled something down on her clipboard and continued.
"So, I'll start in Scout's room, and then I'll work my way around the whole base. So, just continue on with your days' work like I'm not here, and I'll get around to each of you. Sound good?"
Each of the mercenaries gave an affirmation all at once.
"All right, Scout's room is, um…"
Engineer pointed, saying, "That way, ma'am!"
"Yes", Heavy said, stepping out of the group, "I will lead you there."
"Ok, gentlemen", Miss Pauling said with a quick two-finger salute. "Back to work!"
...
Scout's room was not nearly as messy as she thought it was going to be. It did, however, throw a few curveballs at her.
"Is that a picture of me, taped to his ceiling?"
"Is best if you don't think about it", Heavy replied in a serious tone.
Pauling jotted something down on her clipboard and continued on.
Next was Heavy's room. Sitting on his desk was a huge shield that could be attached to Sasha's forward battery.
"Ooh, a gun shield", Miss Pauling said in a happy tone.
"No, no", Heavy said, scrambling to think of something. "Is, uh, is… squat device."
He put the shield on his shoulders and squatted with it.
"Seems kinda underweight for your size", Miss Pauling commented.
"See, that is problem with everyone who goes to gym", Heavy explained. "They all think they must go home unable to stand. Is not so. You should not go home exhausted, you should work up small sweat and small burn in muscle. Is most healthy result."
"Healthy", Miss Pauling repeated, chancing a glance at his gut.
"Is healthy to have some fat", Heavy told her. "Is good for survival situation. God made fat for reason, made us balanced."
"If you say it's a squatting device", Miss Pauling said, scribbling on her clipboard, "I'll take your word for it. Say, your arms look more muscley than usual. Got a hot date?"
"Oh, no", Heavy dismissed with a chuckle.
"Good. That's one less complication", Pauling explained, scribbling on her clipboard again.
Next was Demoman's room. All seemed to be going well, Demo having hid all of his extra work rather well, until she came across the empty shell of a certain bomb.
"What's this?"
"Cripe", Demoman breathed. "I guess I can let ya in on a little secret if'n ya promise you'll tell no one, aye lass?"
"Pinky promise", Miss Pauling said, holding out her pinky.
Demoman held out his own pinky in kind, wrapping it around hers.
"Well, ya see, I'm tryna make chloroform bombs. I think I've got it, but I'm not quite sure how to-"
"Aerosolize it?"
"Aye."
"See, funny you should say that, but I've had to aerosolize chloroform before, too, and the trick is-"
Next was Sniper's room. He was chucking throwing knives at a dartboard with surprising accuracy, but what really caught Miss Pauling's eye was the MP5KS by his desk with a duffle bag full of magazines under it.
"Uh… going hunting?"
"Yeah. I wanna hunt down a Stikini so I can stuff it an' put it on my wall."
"An Owlman?"
"You know about 'um?"
"Yep. Actually, I've been in the middle of one of their nests during an assignment near El Paso."
"Whereabouts?"
"I can show you on a map…"
She went through all the merc's rooms, not finding anything too out of the ordinary in them, taking an especially long time to go through Medic's room. When they were all done, she called for Heavy, Engineer, Medic, Demoman, Spy and Soldier to come to the round table. When Heavy, Medic, and Engineer had all three shown up, she began.
"What's really going on here?"
"Uh, I'm not sure what ya mean, miss", Engineer stammered.
"Are you going to act like I didn't notice Spy and Soldier are also missing? Something big is going on here, and if you fess up now, I might help you."
"Help us", Heavy cautiously repeated.
"The Administrator may be heartless", Miss Pauling explained, "but she's not cruel. If your men really are missing, I can help allocate resources for you all to find them. But", she continued, reaching into her waistband and pulling out a huge revolver, slamming it down on the table, "if you are going around killing your own men, there isn't a place on earth you will be able to hide from the administrator and I."
"Is that a .500 Magnum", Demoman asked in shock. "Girly, how do you not break your wrists firing that thing?!"
"I'm well practiced", Pauling said, staring them down.
"You're bluffing", Dell said evenly.
She leveled her gaze at him.
"Bluffing how, Dell Conagher?"
"You wouldn't help us", he told her evenly. "We'd be the next team's problem."
"Is it really that bad", Miss Pauling asked.
"It is", Dell said. "So you just run along and tell the administrator that she can have her empty threats. Next time you come, Miss Pauling, bring an army."
The room was silent as one woman stared down a group of ruthless killing machines.
"Phew", Miss Pauling finally said. "I'm glad you're not just killing your own men. I was totally bluffing. I mean, have you seen the size of that revolver? It'd crack my lungs from the concussive force alone!"
The mercs all breathed their own sighs of relief.
"So, come on", Miss Pauling said, "someone fill me in."
Engineer began telling her everything. The failed experiment, and what he thought they would need to bring their men home. Miss Pauling jotted it all down, and finally nodded, turning back to Engineer.
"I think the administrator won't mind getting you a little extra funding and some more downtime. The last one, though, is going to take some convincing. I'm not sure she'd be willing to give out this much Austrailium on a good day, much less for a situation like this."
"Just enough for two machines. And a backup. And… a little something extra."
"I don't know", she said, biting her lip. "It's risky. I'll have to work my magic, boys."
"Thank ya, lass."
"Don't expect anything. You might have to go in with just some free time."
"That will be enough."
"From the situation you're describing, I don't think it will. I'll be fighting for you back home. Fight for them in a parallel universe."
"Don't worry", Medic said with an evil grin. "We plan to fight."
...
How could he have made a mistake like that? Getting into such a crowded room and then accidentally bumping someone, resetting his cloak, it was a rookie mistake. Of course, the intel he had gained was invaluable, but it had come at such a high price. Now he couldn't seem to outrun his pursuers, and his cloak wouldn't rearm.
The intel he had gathered had been concerning reserve forces still in the vicinity of the castle. Jane had wanted to commit them all to the battlefield, although his under-generals were quite hesitant to do so.
Another bit of intel was that Jane's tactical knowledge was surprisingly vast. The Japanese forces had been sieging three different forts at once, which was partly why they had been stalling for so long. Jane, while chomping an unlit cigar, had told them to use their calvary and air balloons to strike their food stores, and to lay waste to any other strategic suppliers nearby. Then, as they were starving in their forts, infantry and artillery would await their counterattack as the cavalry and airforce wreaked havoc with hit-and-run attacks in less fortified areas. It was a bold move, and a surprisingly effective one. For the first time in months, the Japanese army was advancing.
Then, as he was listening to Jane explain to his underlings that he feared no assassin, since he had built up an immunity to every poison and disease known to man, Spy had bumped into someone. Jane was the first one to call him out, declaring him to be a Spy and telling him, "Take your Gaijin ass elsewhere". The generals had sent their bodyguards, who were using the more simple hydraulic machines, to kill him, and so the hunt had begun.
Jane was adjusting well to his new environment. He had paid no attention to Scout and considered Spy to be little more than an annoyance in his daily life. From the murmurs around him, it seemed his underlings disliked him immensely, but couldn't argue with his results. Spy almost couldn't believe it, but then, maybe Jane had learned something from the Art of War. He couldn't really argue with his results either.
A paper door, leading outside. Spy hadn't been outside much in the week since they had been here, but it was his best option right now. He braced himself, and plowed right through the thin paper, and charged-
Straight into one of the steam-powered samurai.
It grabbed him around the neck, lifting him up with a powered arm, squeezing down as hard as it could. He had already shot at these behemoths before, only to find that his bullets bounced straight off of them. Spy grabbed for his knife, and jabbed it into one of the exposed eyeholes. A cry of pain emanated, and the samurai dropped him to clutch at his face. Spy scrambled to his feet, and sprinted away, down a small, grassy hill.
Coming to a stop at the bottom, he checked his cloak, and was relieved to see that it was finally armed. Spy hit it, vanishing from the observable world. He took stock of where he was headed, and realized that he was already going in the direction of the small town below the palace. He needed to lay low for a while as it was, he might as well do some recon while he was at it. He disguised himself as a low-level unarmored samurai, and headed for the town.
...
The bar finally came loose. Finally, after a week of shitting into a bucket and eating rice, he was free. The rock crumbled a little around the bottom, and the bar gave, coming into his cell and landing on him.
No more hanging tight. He was going to escape this stupid country and take the next plane back to-
Oh, right, parallel universe.
Why had he been trying to escape all this time? He knew there was no way back. Was this simply an act of defiance?
He was about to put the bar back and wallow in self-pity when he heard a voice call out in his native tongue, "Did someone just escape?"
Now, the guards could barely speak his language in very broken sentences, and with thick, cartoonish accents, so he knew it wasn't them. Furthermore, this voice sounded distinctly like a British female. His interest peaked, he slipped between the bars and walked down the dungeon hall.
He hadn't exactly been shown around when he was dragged into here. Now that he was getting a better look at things, he realized that there must have been dozens of cells down here. He had assumed that in a prison-like place, everyone would be talking all of the time. He realized now that almost everyone had just been quiet the whole time.
The prisoners looked filthy and emaciated, covered in scars and sores. Most of them simply stared at him curiously, not minding him as they went about their lives.
"Gaijin", one of them whispered.
Scout turned to him. the man pointed to the far end of the hallway, put a finger up to his lips, and then made a slashing motion across his neck.
Guard at the end of the hall. Got it.
He nodded to the man, and the man nodded back, sliding back to the floor. Scout continued his way down the hall, until he reached the cell he was looking for. Inside was a strikingly beautiful woman, dressed in a tattered kimono with flowing golden hair, soft blue eyes, and a western European complexion.
"Uh, hi", Scout said sheepishly.
"Salutations", the woman told him, then glanced towards the far end of the hall. "Careful not to talk too loud, or the guard will give us a right walloping."
"Sure", Scout said at a whisper. "Um, who are you?"
"I was once called Boudica. Here I am concubine."
"Uh, nice to meet you Combine. I'm Jeremy."
"Charmed", she said, holding out a hand for him to shake between the bars.
He took the hand in his own, shaking it earnestly.
"I don't recognize your name", she said, letting go of his hand. "Are you, perchance, German?"
"No, American. I'm from a parallel universe."
The woman cocked her head.
"I've not heard of either of those places before."
"Yeah. Uh, you from around here?"
"London", she said sadly. "I hope to one day return."
"Well, I don't know, you're kinda far away. How about you just-"
The door at the end of the hall banged.
"The guard must have heard us", Boudica said. "Back to your cell, quick!"
Scout turned tail and ran as fast as he could. Part of him wanted to just beat the crap out of the guard and be done with it, but the guard had a sword and he had bare hands. Scout hated even fights, much less disadvantaged ones, and he wasn't about to have one against a guy in an armored suit either. Metal is hard on the knuckles.
Scout got his cell in order, replacing the metal bar to its original spot. The guard soon came to his cell, giving a hard glare at him, then opened his small receptacle and place a bowl of rice inside. Scout accepted it with a huff. It was going to be a boring few weeks.
...
"General", his underlings told him, "we have been most pleased by your efforts in the wild lands. In four days, you have helped our army take two of the three forts we had been sieging. We present to you, therefore, a toast!"
Jane Doe was ecstatic. For the first time, his underlings were beginning to recognize his superiority on the battlefield. With their crude communications, they had delivered his new orders in a day. Every specialized soldier had been playing to their strengths for the first time in quite a while.
The two forts had surrendered after a combined attack of artillery and air balloon bombings had destroyed the last of their food stores and wrecked their walls. With no other options, the forts decided to give in to the rather simple demands of mustering no more forces against the might of Japan. As per Sun Tzu's teachings, he had ordered the prisoners be treated fairly, so that they would be more accepting to their American ways. The third fort hadn't surrendered, so Jane had told the calvary to crush an infantry force to their north that had been trying to reinforce them. Their resistance would be short-lived.
Jane grabbed his odd-looking cup of what he had been told was rice wine, and raised it up.
"To Sun Tzu, George Washington, the governor of Japan, and all great Americans who have shown us the enlightened pathway to freedom!"
His underlings all glanced at each other, their confusion undoubtedly due to the fact that he had done so well in so little time.
His underlings all shouted "Bonsai", and they all tipped back their drinks. As Jane tipped back his own, his underlings all shared another glance, their smirks belying their patriotism. Jane put his glass down, belching audibly.
"Right", he said. "What's for dinner?"
Roasted goose was pretty good, Jane decided. Apparently, his underlings didn't think so, since they kept sharing worried glances with each other. Oh well, more for him.
As Jane ripped a leg off of the goose, digging his teeth into the juicy meat, his stomach started rumbling. It was going to be a nasty one by the sound of it.
"Where is the shitter, gentlemen?"
After a small meeting to figure out what a shitter was, they pointed down the hall. Jane bid them good dinner, and hurried to find a toilet. Pulling back the paper door, he was met with a hole in the ground. It was the worst part about living in this state, kind of like how the worst part of Ohio was that you were living in Ohio.
Jane took a messy shit, periodically making sure he was getting it into the hole, and noting that there was quite a lot of blood in his stool.
Finishing his shit, he returned to the dinner table feeling much better. He continued to calmly eat his goose, as his underlings began to look even more nervously at one another. Maybe they thought he was going to take their jobs! Silly Japanese people, he already had them.
Once his goose was finished, he started feeling a little tired, so he got up and left for his floor mattress. Pulling his wool blanket over himself, he smiled as he sunk into a deep, patriotic sleep…
...
The town had been an interesting place. It was choked with people, animals and fumes from machines of all kinds; mechanized carts pulling soldiers, food, and farm equipment, animals baying and being led along by peasants, and people of all calibers shouting their wares. It took Spy a while to find the black market, but once he did, he was not displeased.
Of course he needed food, and he found himself a generous amount, on which he gorged. But what he really needed was something to help him knock out any samurai he came across. If he kept killing them, he was going to prove himself a true nuisance, and bring down the full might of the imperial army, which they had tried to do already, only for him to slip them for three whole days. So far, he hadn't killed anyone else, but he had had a few close calls, and wasn't about to have any more.
Now that he had what he needed, and the sun was down, it was time to try and slip back into the palace. Putting on the night vision goggles Dell had given him, he disguised himself as a ninja, and prepared to sneak his way back inside.
...
The sleeping form of Soldier lay still on his floor mattress. Four men, clothed in all black, silently approached him, careful to step lightly on the floors so as not to make a creak. They all huddled around him, silently looking to one another for reassurance. One of them lifted a blade, driving it into his chest.
Soldier did not make a sound. There was no breath escaping his lungs and no groan of ending. Confused, the one who drove the knife lifted his blanket, finding only a set of Bushido armor. Realizing his mistake, he turned to leave the room.
Soldier's face was inches from his own, his form naked in the darkness.
"C'mere, pumpkin", he declared, as he drove a pan down across the side of his face.
The ninja fell, as the others began drawing blades, all charging him at once. Soldier jumped at the nearest, dodging his blade and landing a crippling uppercut. He took the ninja's short, straight sword from him, and grabbed his body, throwing him at the other two. They ran him through unintentionally, ending his life.
"Communist ninjas", Soldier spat, raising his blade, "I'll beat some freedom into all of you."
The two ninjas attacked him at once, throwing their blades a little too hard. Soldier parried one, running him through the chest, as the other one cut him across the back. Soldier tucked and rolled so the blade didn't bite too deep, and righted himself, in time for the blade to be driven through his left bicep. He ignored it, driving his own sword through the ninja's neck, then taking both ends of the blade and twisting them around.
He noticed the one he had hit with the pan making a break for the door. As the ninja made it past the doorframe, someone cried out, "Ninja! Someone run him down!"
No need. Soldier pulled the sword out of the one ninja's neck, and threw it, hitting the last ninja square in the back. The ninja heaved, falling to the ground, attempting to crawl away.
"Get back here", Soldier chided, grabbing the ninja by his foot, and dragging him to the center of the room.
He began smashing the ninja's face with his right fist, slowly crushing it to a bloody pulp. He heard one of his underlings breath, saying something in his native tongue. Soldier kept crushing until the ninja stopped moving.
Soldier stood up tall, facing a now group of his underlings in his doorway, their eyes wide and mouths agape. He slowly reached over to his bicep, removing the blade without flinching. He let it drop to the floor.
"Gentlemen", he said, "the worm has turned."
...
Security seemed quite lax tonight, especially considering the events of this morning. Spy was expecting a trap at any moment, and kept being surprised when none revealed itself. If security was so limp tonight, then he was going to visit Scout.
He was not surprised to find a guard at the door, but he was surprised to see how effective his new sleep medicine was. A little dust in the face, and within a minute, the guard was sawing logs. A key in the door, and he was through.
Since it was normally difficult to get in, he hadn't seen Scout in several days. All that time, he had been worrying about whether or not he was being treated right. Seeing him now, he had clearly lost a little bit of weight, nothing alarming, but noticeable nonetheless. Furthermore, he was outside of his cell, talking to a woman who was trapped in a cell as well.
"Scout!"
Scout gave him a sideways look, muttering under his breath, "Gaw, crap."
"How did you get out of your cell?!"
"I jiggled the bar loose, alright? Get off my back!"
"What if the guard finds out?!"
"He hasn't found out yet, no reason for him to find out anytime."
"Yet?"
"I've been doing this for a few days now."
Spy was impressed. Of all the things he expected Scout to do, make a viable, easy-access escape route was not on the top of that list. He was probably not thinking as far ahead as an escape, or, at least, Spy hoped he wasn't, but it was good to have options. Spy nodded his approval.
"Who's your friend", Spy asked, jerking a thumb towards the woman in the cell.
"Oh, this is Combine", Scout said, as Spy lifted an eyebrow. "Say 'hi' to that asshole I was telling you about."
"Hello, 'asshole'", Boudica said, holding out her hand. "My name is Boudica."
"Sorry about Scout", Spy said, shaking her hand. "He's not good with English, despite it being his native language."
"I don't mind my nickname", she explained with a wave of her hand. "It's better than 'concubine', which is what I have been."
"Why would they put a concubine in a prison cell", Spy asked.
Boudica gave a wicked grin.
"I bite."
"I see. Carry on."
Spy turned to Scout, jerking his head to the side. Scout stood his ground. Spy sighed.
"The emperor has gathered his engineers", Spy explained. "Within a few days, he should be calling on you. Once he does, you will most likely be taken away from the palace. I'm going to follow you there, but I can't stay forever. I have to make sure Soldier doesn't get himself killed, after all."
"No problem", Scout said arrogantly. "I don't need your help anyway. I can take care of mys-"
"Scout, I'm serious, if you get in trouble, there will be no team and certainly no Respawn. There might not even be me. Just do whatever they say, and you should make it out of this alive, understand?"
"Yeah, gotcha", Scout replied with an eyeroll.
"No screwups. If you mess any of this up, you die."
"So what the hell should I do, then, smart guy?"
"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Scout. I just want you to get it right the first time. There isn't a second time this time."
"Alright."
"I brought you some food."
"Sweet."
Spy dropped a bag of assorted foods on the ground in front of him.
"I have one more piece of business to attend to tonight. I'll see if I can find you tomorrow."
"Sure thing."
Spy stood by, looking at Scout for a moment more.
"Uh, you ok?"
"Yes, I'll be going now."
Spy turned and exited the dungeon.
...
Soldier sat stoically as the doctor dressed his wounds, having cleaned each with water and herbs, and now wrapping each in a bandage. As it turned out, he had been stabbed more than twice while he wasn't looking, filthy communists. His underlings surrounded him, their atmosphere tense as they no doubt wondered if their great American leader would survive. He had no intention of dying, so they had nothing to worry about.
"My lord", one of them said, in a shaky voice. "Perhaps the ninjas were rebel dissenters trying to kill the emperor."
"Or perhaps they were servants of the enemy, trying to take out their biggest threat."
All good ideas. But not the truth.
"Actually", one of the men said, stepping forward, "I know who they were sent by."
All of his underlings grew wild eyes and stared at the man. Intrigued, Soldier put forth an ear to hear.
"It was the one you call 'Spy'", the man revealed. "He has been a nuisance for far too long, whereas you have been a great leader to us. He ordered your death out of jealousy."
At first, his logic didn't make sense. Spy, like Soldier, was a true American. He wouldn't betray a fellow American just to gain his position; that was unamerican.
Then the pieces started to fit, like a puzzle. Spy was, by trade, a backstabber. He was vain, given his stylish suit he wore everywhere, and he was willing to interrupt his plans to achieve any goal.
There was still a flaw in his logic, however; Spy was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not working with communists. Having seen Spy's service record personally, even the parts that were covered in black ink, he had disrupted not only the Nazis, but the Soviets in a fair number of operations.
It couldn't have been his enemies, because they were overseas. It couldn't have been random assassins trying to kill someone else, because they would have ignored him. it couldn't have been Spy, either, because he didn't work with communists.
"It was you", Soldier said.
The man froze.
"My lord", he stammered, "I-I-I don't think-"
"Not just you", Soldier explained, finally making the puzzle pieces all fit together, "it was all of you."
His underlings all looked shocked. Some offered excuses, some denied it implicitly, but the man in the middle said nothing. Finally, he held up a hand for silence, and the group fell quiet.
"It was me, my lord", he said quietly.
"Just you", Soldier asked.
"Yes, my lord", he replied quietly.
"I forgive you", Soldier told him.
The man looked shocked.
"I forgive all of you", Soldier told the group, "for it is written; 'Should your soldiers make a mistake, the fault of the first is on the commander'. Clearly, you have all made a mistake. Do not let it happen again."
Soldier stood, flexing his wounds, saying, "I will retire now. If I catch any more ninjas in my room, I'm beating you all to death with my bare hands."
...
As Spy decloaked, he pulled the goggles down over his eyes. He could clearly see Soldier, naked as the day he was born, waiting in the corner of his room. On his mattress pad, under a blanket, lay his suit of cheap gunshow Bushido armor. Clearly, this was meant to be a trap.
"I can see you, Soldier", Spy informed him.
"Am I invisible to the communists", Soldier asked.
"I suppose you are", Spy responded.
"Then I'm staying here", Soldier told him. "It worked once, it will work again."
Spy began to notice all of the bandages covering his naked form.
"Mon Dieu, what happened to you?"
"Communist ninjas", Soldier said, as if that explained everything.
"Filthy communists", Spy said in a near sarcastic tone. "Seems like they got you good."
"Almost", Soldier admitted. "But they never really stood a chance against my patriotic pride."
"Did you find out who sent them?"
"My own men", Soldier replied nonchalantly. "I think they were testing to see if I could walk my talk."
"Right", Spy said in mock agreement. "Are you sure none of them are communist sympathizers?"
"If they do it again, they might be."
"Just once is an 'accident', yes?"
"I have made the mistake of using my enemies to destroy my friends as well. Everyone does."
"Of course."
"Besides, Sun Tzu says to forgive the first failure and punish the second."
"Right."
"So why exactly did you come here, Gaijin? Surely not to have a friendly chat."
"You're right. I came here to talk about Scout."
"The Gaijin in the dungeon?"
"You've worked with the man for years, Jane."
"What about him? Has he escaped?"
"No. they're probably going to move him tomorrow."
"Good. I can't stand that idiot."
Spy rolled his eyes under his goggles, sighing audibly.
"Look, Jane, I can't protect you once Scout is gone. I have to make sure he doesn't kill himself."
"Unlike that Gaijin scum, I can protect myself. If that's all you came to say, then leave me alone so I can find more ninjas."
"Whatever. Good luck."
"Same to you, Spy."
Spy left the room, noting that he was adjusting to his environment a little too well, and wondering if he would have to kill his colleague.