Plastered Paradox

Chapter 8

Jaune emerged from the bathroom after about twenty minutes. Lil' Miss Malachite was there waiting for him, a smug look on her face. Jaune grimaced, then handed over the cup.

"Here."

Malachite accepted the cup like it was some kind of valuable treasure, bringing it close to her face to examine the contents. "It's kinda thin, isn't it?"

"Oh, bite me. I just got done with a girl the other night, so I wasn't exactly backed up."

"Is this wise?" Cinder asked, horrified. "I mean… this just seems incredibly stupid of you."

"Oh, it is," Jaune agreed. "But we don't really have an option because a certain someone couldn't hold herself back from making fat jokes."

"I aim to please," Raven said as she examined her nails. "Hey, Malachite – you're gonna go after Jaune for child support, right?"

"What? No," Malachite said, shaking her head. "I want nothing to do with that man past the initial hurdle, if you catch my drift."

"You must have been pretty desperate to do this," Qrow commented, sounding equally as horrified as Cinder did.

"Uh, have you looked at me?" Malachite asked. "I haven't gotten laid since I put on all this baby weight. My idea of a romantic evening involves a bottle of wine and a one-terabyte hard drive of porn, because that's the best I can get."

"So your solution is to put on even more baby weight?" Raven asked.

"My solution is to get myself another heiress," Malachite answered. "Ideally, one who will be stronger than the last two. Hence why I specifically needed essence of Huntsman."

"Why'd you pick Jaune?" Cinder couldn't help but question. "'Cuz Qrow is right here, and he'd be just as good."

"Yeah, but he's a goody-two-shoes," Malachite said dismissively. "He'd want to be involved with the kid and shit, and I can't have that."

"Yeah, whatever," Jaune told her, impatient. "Can we just get what we came for, please? I'd really like to get this done sooner rather than later."

"Very well." Malachite put the cup away. "You mentioned you're looking for some girl with weird abilities running around Mistral?"

"Pretty much."

"Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down? We live in a world with Semblances. Hell, I once met a girl whose entire Semblance was that she could fire a storm cloud out of her ass, like it had lightning and stuff in it. Unreal."

"So you can't help us?" Qrow asked.

"Oh, no, I can," Malachite assured them. "But you're gonna have to narrow it down more than that, otherwise we're going to have to drag in every random Huntress and see if they've got what you're looking for."

"Okay, how about this," Raven offered. "We're looking for weird weather patterns that have been occurring throughout Mistral. Things like random storms in a localized area on what was otherwise a clear day, or mysteriously out-of-season weather, like snow in late spring. Have you heard anything about any of that?"

"Hm…" Malachite thought for a moment. "...You know what? Yeah, I might have something like that. Anyone have a map?"

"On my scroll," Qrow offered. He handed her the scroll and she took it, which caused him to wince. "Did you have to touch it with the same hand that you touched the jar with?"

"Oh, shut up," Malachite chastised. She eyed the map for a moment, then tapped a spot on it. "There."

Jaune leaned in, frowning. "The coast?"

"Yup," Malachite confirmed. "Specifically, this little cluster of villages here." She traced a circle towards the south end of the island, just on the waterfront.

"Apparently, they've had quite a bit of what you've just described – out-of-season weather, the works. What's this about, anyway?"

"Cinder really wants to be a weather reporter when she grows up," Jaune said, earning a glare from the teenager in question. He ignored her. "We're helping her get a jump-start on it by chasing after someone who has a Semblance that messes with the weather, in the hopes that we can kickstart Cinder's future career by getting her into storm chasing."

"You know, if you wanted to lie to my face, you could stand to do a better job of it," Malachite said. "Considering it's my job to know things, and all."

"Trust me, you're better off not knowing," Jaune cautioned. He motioned for the others to follow him. "Come on, let's get out of here."

With that, they all left. As they walked, Cinder looked over to Jaune.

"Did you really just jerk off in a cup and give it to a crime lord so she can get herself pregnant with your illegitimate bastard baby?"

"Don't remind me," Jaune said, glum. "Can we just hurry this up? I'd like to get the fuck out of Mistral before anything else super weird happens."

"Have you seen this group?" Raven asked. "That's wishful thinking."

"Again, don't remind me."

"Alright, gang," Jaune announced as they made it back to the good part of town. "What do we need for this dumbass trip?"

"Is that even a question?" Raven asked, putting a hand on her hip. "We're all experienced with this sort of thing, save for the kid."

"Sorry, let me rephrase – when should we kill Lionheart, before or after we find Spring?"

"Ah. Well, that is a good question, now that you mention it. On the one hand, if we wait to kill him, we can actually come up with a decent plan for how to kill him, hopefully one that won't end up with all of Mistral after us for murdering their headmaster. On the other hand, if we wait, we're also giving him more time to communicate with Salem. Decisions, decisions…"

"If I may," Qrow interjected. "If he really is in league with Salem, then we ought to take care of him sooner rather than later. I'd rather not have him continuously feeding her information while we try to find Spring, you know?"

"That's a good point," Jaune said, bringing a hand up to his chin. "Hm… Cinder, what do you think?"

Cinder was surprised. "Me? You're asking me what I think?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"Because I'm fifteen and have no experience killing anyone."

"Right, so you're a fresh perspective."

"If you insist." She sighed, then shook her head. "Admittedly, I'm still not entirely clear on any of this, least of all why the headmaster of Haven has to die in the first place, but if you all insist that it's that important, then fine, I guess we ought to kill him now."

"That's the spirit," Jaune commented. "So, it's agreed, then. We kill him now."

"But how?" Raven asked.

"Trust me, I have a plan."

"Mister Arc? The headmaster will see you now."

Jaune rose from his seat, setting aside his magazine. As he stood up, Raven glared at him.

"When you said you had a plan, I didn't think it involved setting up a fucking meeting with the Gods-damn secretary."

"Oh, like you had a plan," Jaune said as the secretary led them inside Lionheart's office. She gave them a warm smile, then stepped out and shut the door behind her.

Jaune honestly felt bad for her, since she was about to be out of a job.

"Qrow?" Lionheart said from behind his desk, surprised. "And… Raven?" He blinked, then his eyes flew over to Jaune and Cinder. "And who are they?"

"Look, can we just cut to the chase?" Jaune asked, impatient. "We're here to kill you."

Again, Lionheart blinked. "...I'm sorry?"

"We know all about what you've been getting up to behind Ozpin's back," Qrow growled. "You can't hide it any longer, Lionheart."

"Well, just because I'm a frequent patron of the Mistralian massage therapists-"

"Not what I meant. Also, gross. Anyway, we know you're in league with Salem."

Lionheart sputtered for a moment. "Wha- Me?! In league with Salem?!"

"Yes, that's what was just said," Raven said, tapping her foot impatiently. "Stand still for me, will you? I'm hoping for a one-shot decapitation, and you moving around is making that pretty damn hard. So, do you mind?"

"Yes, I mind! I'm not in league with Salem!"

"That's bullshit," Jaune declared. "We know you are."

"Do we, actually?" Qrow asked. "I mean… you never really gave us any proof, you just said that he was."

"Ozpin agrees with me, that ought to be all the proof you need."

"Maybe he's just being overzealous."

"Yeah, let's be honest, you can't really trust Ozpin to make the right choice, Jaune," Raven added.

Jaune stared at her. "Raven, you wanted to kill Lionheart yourself."

"I still do, but at the same time, I also still don't trust Ozpin. Those two don't have to be mutually exclusive, you know."

"Oh, whatever."

"W-wait!" Lionheart pleaded. "Just… stop for a moment, will you? Someone please explain what's going on!"

"It's simple, really," Jaune began. "Either you're in league with Salem now, or you're not in league with Salem right now but you will be in the future at some point. You being in league with Salem means you're going to send all of Mistral's Huntsmen and Huntresses to their deaths in order to help her out. Now, I can't stand sad children who have no parents, so to avoid all those sad children with no parents, we're just going to cut out the middleman and take you down before you have a chance to just absolutely cock up everything. I'd say it's nothing personal, but honestly, it kinda is, so just stand back and let Raven get her murder on, will you?"

"Heh," Qrow noted. "Raven. Murder."

"Actually, it's a group of crows that's called a murder," Cinder pointed out. "A group of ravens is called an unkindness or a conspiracy."

"Seriously? Who comes up with this bullshit?" Jaune wondered.

"All of you shut the fuck up," Raven growled. "I really want to do this in one clean cut, I think that'd look really badass."

"I'm not in league with Salem!" Lionheart protested. "I can prove it to you!"

"I mean, sure," Jaune said. "You've got five seconds, starting now."

"Do you see a Seer Grimm anywhere?! Everyone in Ozpin's inner circle knows she uses Seers to talk with people!"

"That's true…" Qrow muttered.

"It's a trick," Raven urged. "She could have modernized by now. Knowing her, she's probably made it to the telegraph already. Give her another hundred years and she'll have gravitated to the radio by the time we're all beaming our thoughts directly into each other's skulls using 5G technology."

"There's not a single part of that sentence that made sense," Cinder noted. "I think you're all losing it."

"Bold of you to assume we haven't lost it already," Jaune replied. "Anyway, I disagree with Raven, as per usual. Everyone knows Salem is too much of a boomer to actually move up technologically. You ever try to teach an old person how to use the DustNet? I imagine it's like that. Hell, from what I remember, Evernight doesn't even have indoor plumbing, and I've gotta say, that was hands-down the scariest part of assaulting that castle. The Grimm are one thing, but no flushable toilets is just downright heinous."

"How would you know what Evernight is like on the inside?" Raven wondered. "You're not making any sense."

"Maybe he's the real traitor, after all," Lionheart said hopefully. "How else would he have known?"

"That's a good point, actually," Qrow admitted, bringing a hand up to his chin in thought.

"I've already explained this to Raven and Cinder," Jaune argued. "I'm not a traitor, I'm a time traveler."

"Yeah, Jaune's not a traitor," Cinder agreed. "He's just completely insane."

"You're not wrong, but you're also not right," Jaune said. He looked back to Lionheart. "Alright, well, now we're at an impasse. Unfortunately for us, I think the best thing we can do right now is head out and just wait until we find evidence of your wrongdoing for ourselves. I mean, not that I need any evidence because I already know you're guilty, but these three idiots do now, apparently."

"I don't," Raven stated. "I just want to kill someone. Qrow and Cinder are the ones who are insisting on collecting evidence first."

"I haven't used the word 'evidence' a single time since we've been here," Cinder pointed out. "This is all Qrow."

Qrow rubbed the back of his head. "I mean… don't get me wrong, Lionheart's a bit of a prick, and apparently he's also got a penchant for seedy Mistralian massage parlors, but I don't think those are good enough reasons to kill someone."

"Why do we care what you think?" Raven demanded. "It's not like you're part of the crew, we just picked you up after we found you wandering around drunk. You're basically a stray dog we found on the side of the road, only less useful because you're always drunk."

"How does that make me less useful? Jaune drinks as much as I do, if not more."

"Yeah, but I'm a competent drunk," Jaune interjected. "I've been permanently drunk since the war ended like two or three years ago – it's the only way I can make the screams inside my head and the nightmares stop. I'm basically dependent on booze to survive and function now. I'm such a worthless alcoholic that I've come full-circle and am now even more competent when I'm drunk than when I'm sober."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a terrible role model for Cinder?" Qrow asked.

"They don't have to, I already know I am. That isn't gonna stop me, though." Jaune leaned over to ruffle Cinder's hair. She glared at him and batted his hand away after a second, then began to smooth her hair back out. He was unperturbed. "Anyway, what are we going to do with Lionwood, here?"

"You mean Lionheart?" Qrow asked.

"Oops, sorry – got my asshole traitors mixed up. What are we going to do with Ironheart? Fuck me, I did it again… Lionheart. What are we going to do with Lionheart?"

"You know where I stand on this," Raven said. "Give me the word, already. I'm getting tired trying to hold this cool pose."

"Maybe I should have tried harder to convince Summer to take me in…" Cinder mused.

"Enough!" Lionheart shouted. "That's enough! I demand an explanation right now!"

The room finally fell silent. It only lasted for a second before Jaune's scroll rang.

"Oh, whoops," Jaune said. "Sorry to interrupt your mental breakdown, but I think this might be a booty call."

"How could it possibly be a booty call?" Raven wondered. "The only women you've talked to in the last few days aside from Cinder and myself were Summer and Glynda, and I doubt either one would be calling you."

"Summer's a given because she's taken and I'm not a homewrecker, but Glynda would totally call me," Jaune argued. "She's just being tsundere."

"No, she just hates you."

"She hates everyone. She's tsundere for the world. Hold on, I'm gonna take this." Jaune accepted the call and put it on speaker. "You've reached Raven's Sperm Bank – you yank it, she banks it. What can I do for you?"

"Ha-ha,"Torchwick deadpanned from the other side of the line. "Is he dead yet?"

"Hold on, is that Roman Torchwick?" Lionheart asked.

"Actually, it's Ozpin," Jaune said.

"No, it's Torchwick right now," Roman clarified. "Oz is taking a little nap at the moment, he's several thousand years old so he gets cranky in the afternoon if he doesn't get a nap and some hot chocolate."

"Hold on, Oz is in Torchwick's head?" Qrow asked.

"Yup," Raven answered.

"Wow… how the hell did that happen?"

"Let's just say that Jaune penetrated him a bit too hard."

Jaune flipped her off. "Anyway, Torchwick, he isn't dead yet. Qrow wants proof."

"The fuck are you talking about? Just ice this guy already, we've got stuff to do."

"W-wait!" Lionheart protested. "I'm innocent, I swear!"

"Nobody's truly innocent, least of all you, you Salem-worshipping, treasonous, scumbag," Torchwick said. "But admittedly, Qrow might actually have a point, now that I think about it."

"Oh, come on," Raven protested.

"No, think about it," Torchwick implored. "If we just kill him and it turns out he was innocent of this particular crime, well, you'd all feel really bad about it."

"I wouldn't," Raven instantly said.

"I didn't even like Lionheart in my own timeline," Jaune said.

"I barely even like any of you people," Cinder added.

"Okay, well, Qrow would be upset, because he's nominally a good person, aside from the drinking and barmaid-chasing. But what's a bit of alcoholism and whoring around between friends, yeah?"

"Very poor choice of words," Jaune warned.

Torchwick ignored him. "Anyway, I don't want to deal with a sad Qrow right now."

"You don't even know Qrow," Raven pointed out.

"No, but Ozpin does, and the last thing I want is for him to be all weepy inside my head and shit because his mancrush is depressed over killing an innocent person. Man, imagine being upset over killing an innocent person."

"I thought there weren't any innocent people," Cinder said.

"Well, at least one of you is paying attention."

"Stop corrupting the youth," Jaune said, dismayed. "You have your own little tyke bomb for that. If you simply must raise a little future ex-con, the least you can do is make sure it's your own little mini-me, not mine."

"Yes, of course," Roman said. "Point is, I'm making an executive decision to veto this would-be execution. Lionheart gets to live."

Jauene frowned. "Raven, you heard the man."

"What was that?" Raven asked. "Sorry, I can't over the blood rushing in my ears. You'll have to speak up."

"Yeah, yeah." Jaune looked to Lionheart. "Well, uh, this is awkward. Sorry about the whole trying-to-murder-you think. No hard feelings?"

"Get out!" Lionheart shouted.

"I'm gonna have to call you back, Roman," Jaune said as he ended the call. He motioned for the rest of the group to follow him, and they did, stepping out into the hall. Lionheart slammed the door behind them and then locked it with what sounded like a comically large amount of locks. Jaune waited for the noises to end, then turned to the rest of his crew.

"Well, that was fun," he announced. "Shall we continue on with finding Spring?"

"Only if I get to kill something," Raven grumbled. "Because I'm feeling pretty blue-balled at the moment."

"Relax, would you? I'm sure there'll be plenty of people for you to kill at wherever it is we end up."

Shorter chapter this time. I'm a bit pressed for time though, since I'm working on a little project for Halloween. Basically, Sunset Hunting approached me with this idea of doing a Knightfall-themed Halloween one-shot. I thought the idea sounded awesome, so I figured I'd put my own spin on it and make it suitably insane. Long story short, we now both have Knightfall-themed one-shots scheduled for Halloween. It'll be a similar theme for each of them – Jaune summons a demon, and you don't get points for guessing who the demon ends up being – and shenanigans ensue. I haven't read his full story yet, but I've seen snippets, and like everything he does, it's damn good. On the other hand, he's currently reading through my mostly-complete story, and he described it so far as an acid trip, which I found to be quite flattering. I'm having a ton of fun working on it, both because I don't do themed one-shots generally and because it reminds me a lot of the early days of writing Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls. So if you're looking for some Knightfall content this Halloween, give his story and my story a look, I think you'll enjoy both of them.

Aside from that, I've been busy elsewhere, too. I might be starting a new job in a few weeks – waiting to see if I get an offer letter or not; won't know anything until Friday, at least. More realistically, it'll most likely be next week until I hear something. But we'll see. I certainly hope I can move on from my current job, because I'm just about sick of it, but I won't get into that now. Just know that I'm going to keep studying for this test even if I start a new job, and that if I do start a new job, well, my limited time is probably going to get even more limited. I will probably hold off on uploading a new story for awhile once I finish Black Widow and MIA, and instead focus on updating Plastered Paradox, Black Sun, and The Seventh Circle, plus maybe working on some one-shots here and there instead. I don't know; I'll have to see what the future holds. I'll have a lot on my plate to really jump headlong into a whole new fic so soon, though, so it might be a bit before then. Just know that I'll still be updating those three, though.

What else, what else… can't really think of much right now, so I'll just leave it there. See you all next time, and thank you for reading!