Just in case, we'll repeat the WARNING: This chapter contains violence, gore, 4th wall humor, possibly offensive jokes, surreal humor, unfunny jokes, foul language, stuff that makes no sense, original characters and events that do not follow the canon of any of the franchises present. Don't say you haven't been warned! :D
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BAKAS&BEHOLDERS presents…
The Night of the Living Kajis
Part 2: Things that go "D'oh!" in the night.
"We were skulking through this dungeon, a mighty sorry lot…" – Never Split The Party.
Night had fallen over the city of Tokyo-4, and over the crater that housed it. The stars and the moon shone above the pyramid of Nerv, silent and sealed, victim of a plague which the citizens blissfully ignored. Once again, the bowels of the GeoFront held what could very well be the doom of mankind, and this time it would not come by giant biomechanical abominations, but by itchy stubbles and cringe-inducing ponytails. And so, the stars and the moon held their breath, waiting for the result of Fate's dice roll, while the gentle breeze of the night…
…oh, why bother? You all know what's going on, let's cut to the chase.
The VTOL landed on the border of the crater, and the monsters jumped off. As their vehicle lifted away into the skies –and standing in a quite fashionable and marketable group shot–, they looked at Tokyo-4.
Bland took a deep breath, opening his nostrils and the gills on both sides of his neck.
"Ah, smell that air," he said. "Too bad that our mission will take us underground. It's a very pleasant night, perfect for a walk."
"Yeah," Death Bringer agreed. "It's been a while since we enjoyed a relaxing hike under the star–Whoa, hold on a moment!" he pointed at Bland. "You put gills on your neck?"
"Yes."
"But you're a vampire! You don't breathe underwater! In fact, you don't breathe, period!"
"It's style." Bland raised a finger. "If I'm going to transform my visage into one of a monster, then I will add the whole pack, even if I don't use it. It's why I've turned my tongue into a living centipede." It was then that a blue-colored scolopendra emerged from his fangs, hissed, wiggled a bit in the air, and then went back in.
There was a moment of silence and reflection, after which Bland asked a very logical, very honest question. "Why do you guys like to hang out with me?"
"Come on, let's get to it!" Xanaduu said, jumping in place, still holding onto his big travel bag. "The sooner we finish, the sooner we'll get to meet Shinji and Asuka!"
The monsters approached the border of the giant crater.
"The first obstacle," Hydro said, "is to get down there. We can't just jump; the height is too much. It would be deadly, even for us."
"Hmmm…" Carrot Cake stroked his beardless British chin. "Asuc, can't you use one of your earth powers to create a slide or something?"
"Actually," the mummy replied, coughing dust at every word, but he was interrupted before he could say more.
"You're right," Carrot said. "We better save your magic for later. We shouldn't spend it on something this mundane. Any other ideas? Erik, can you teleport us through shadows with your vampire hocus pocus?"
"It's called Obtenebration." Erik groaned. "And I can only do that with myself."
"Um…" Asuc tried to intervene, but the others were too busy talking.
"Fuck teleportation!" Death Bringer declared. "We'll climb down, just like in the good old days!"
"Oh, damnation." Bland cursed. "I knew I should've added those giant spider legs to myself when I had the chance…"
"If you let me…"
"We know, Asuc" Xanaduu said. "Climbing down is dangerous! Guys, you have a mage with you. I'll just transform some rocks and trees into slides, and we'll slide down. Easy as pie."
"I shall ROLL!" Haltman yelled. "RRRRRRROLL DOWN like that desert spider I saw in a vision!"
"We told you many times: it was a documentary on television."
"THAT'S WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOU TO THINK!"
"I wanna slide!" Hoodie said, bouncing in excitement. "I wanna slide too!"
"But…" Alas, nobody listened to Asuc anymore. They were too busy arguing about the most optimal way of reaching the bottom, and when no agreement was reached, they decided to each use a different method.
Death Bringer and Carrot Cake changed into their werewolf forms. The vampires just climbed down at the best of their abilities, except for Haltman, who just rolled sideways like a Carparachne aureoflava. Xanaduu and Hoodie were the last to join, since the former had to look for a big enough rock, and then transform it into a Christmas-themed slide.
Asuc Chicper just watched.
Things went fine for the first seconds. Xanaduu's slide quickly gained speed, and it seemed that it would soon reach and even pass the other agents. At least, until it bumped into a rebellious root. Xanaduu and Hoodie found themselves tumbling down the crater's walls.
This wasn't good for Hydro, who was climbing with care and calculated steps, trying hard to not stain his expensive suit with dirt. Before he could react, he was swallowed by a ball of screams and flailing limbs.
They passed too close to Bland, and the vampire's tail got caught in the chaos. Erik tried to avoid it, but he suffered the same fate.
Death Bringer realized what was going on and tried to stop the ball. Carrot Cake assumed that his lupine friend hadn't been successful when he too ended up in the ball.
Haltman didn't notice. He just assumed that he was very good at rolling.
They soon reached the ground of Tokyo-4, perhaps sooner than they had expected, and certainly rougher than they had preferred it.
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Hoodie laughed. "Let's do it again! Again!"
"Ouch." Bland said, disentangling himself from his companions.
"Ooof." A pained Carrot Cake returned to his human form and stretched. His back made some cracking noises.
"Good news, everyone!" Xanaduu exclaimed. "All my spaceship models and asushin fics are intact!"
Erik stood. He was brushing off the dirt and roots from his persona., when a thought occurred to him. "Shit, Asuc didn't come down with us!"
"Don't worry, I'm here." The mummy said.
"Ah, good."
It took some seconds for the group to realize. They all spun on their heels to stare at Asuc, who had seemingly appeared next to them.
"How?" Hydro asked. "Did you use one of your powers? Did you command the earth to open a tunnel, or to teleport you here through the stone?"
Asuc Chicper pointed behind him. "There's a big elevator over there."
The whole area sunk into a silence so awkward that not even a tumbleweed would want to roll by.
"I was trying to tell you," Asuc shrugged. "I mean, it makes sense. People, cars and trucks have to enter and leave the crater every day. How do you think they do–wait, where are you going?"
In the safe room, Ritsuko tapped her foot. Her arms were crossed under her chest. Next to them, Misato and the gang had found some plastic chairs and were now sitting, waiting.
And a bit bored, to be honest.
Ritsuko took a glance at her wristwatch, and huffed. "Where are they?"
As a city in process of being built, Tokyo-4 had some infrastructures that perhaps you wouldn't see in a larger, more developed metropolis. For example, farms. In order to ensure fresh food for the citizens, the ground level of the GeoFront had been adapted to accommodate orchards, as well as herds of different domestic animals.
But, that night, in one of the barns, the sheep couldn't sleep. Because a bunch of weirdos had broken in, and now were standing among them, on all fours. Except for Hydro and Carrot who, fearful of the muddy ground, were on top of Erik and Death Bringer, respectively.
"Guys, I think you're exaggerating." Asuc said, peeking through the window.
"Shut it!" Erik growled. "And don't talk to us anymore! From now on, we're only allowed to say 'baaaaaaa.'"
Some time later…
"Rits, look!" Misato said. "There's something in Camera 12!"
It was the camera assigned to one of the emergency exists, one of the few views they had of the pyramid's exterior. Nine figures had appeared from the shadows.
"Finally!" Ritsuko sighed. She approached the console and opened a comm. channel. "Hello. I'm guessing you're the Notable Nine."
"The voices in my head speak! I'VE MISSED YOU, MY PYROMANIAC FRIENDS!"
"Calm down, Haltman!" Carrot Cake said. "Ahem. I assume you are Doctor Ritsuko Akagi, right?"
"Indeed. Thank you all for coming to our rescue."
"Do not worry, we shall take care of your problem. But first, could you open this door?"
"I'm afraid not. Once the emergency lock-up has been established, it can only be undone from the Command Center, but we can't access the main computer from here. You are authorized to open that gate as you see fit."
"Leave it to me!" Xanaduu stepped forward. "This looks like a job for a mage! I'll turn this door into… water, for example."
They watched as he stretched, preparing to unleash his powers.
"So..." Misato said. "Mages can just change stuff around?"
"Pretty much." Shinji explained. "According to the manual of Mage: the Ascension, all humans possess the innate power to alter reality, but in most it's asleep. Mages are those who awaken that power, and magic is basically warping reality according to your will."
"But it doesn't always work," Asuka said. "See, even though the power to change reality is asleep in the majority of humans, it still affects the world subconsciously. And, since most humans believe that reality is a logical place governed by the laws of physics, it resists the mages' attempts to change it." She shrugged. "At least, in the world of the game. But Akagi said that only 85% of what appears in the manuals is true, so who knows how this guy's magic might work."
"And even if it follows the same rules, I don't think mankind's belief in a rational universe is as strong after the Second Impact and the Angels. Maybe Mr. Xanaduu's powers will find no resistance."
"Alright, I'm ready!" Xanaduu exclaimed.
"Well, get on with it." Hydro groaned. "You looked as if you were waiting for someone to finish an exposition dump."
The unicorn-headed man –green unicorn, mind you– stretched both arms, with his hands open, palms facing the door. Calling upon his special connection with that fleeting thing known as 'reality,' he saw the stream of time, of energy, and of matter. He saw the endless possibilities, the trillion routes the current could take, if a mage with the right key were to show it the way.
He commanded the door to become water.
The thing is, Asuka was right. Mankind's unconscious, constant belief in a logical reality had dwindles somewhat since the Second Impact. However, that didn't mean that it was easier to do magic. Not necessarily. Reality was now in a state of permanent hangover, in a way. So, instead of just resisting the mage's push and perhaps pushing back; it vomited as soon as a mage nudged it.
Xanaduu had been lucky with the slide, but not anymore. Reality protested against his trick, and the door transformed not into water, but in wall of roaring fire that burned despite not having fuel.
The werewolves rolled their eyes. Xanaduu scratched the back of his head, sheepish. The vampires, however, had a much louder, and much more synchronized, reaction:
"FIRE BAD!"
And they ran around, flailing their arms and screaming like they were in an old Looney Tunes cartoon.
"Alright." Death Bringer said, with the tiredness of someone who had seen that situation before. "Hoodie and I will round them all up. Xanaduu, you try again."
The mage took a long and deep breath, locked his eyes onto the crackling flames, and snapped his fingers.
The fire transformed into a wall of electricity.
"Nope." Xanaduu snapped his fingers a second time.
The electricity became a door again, this one made of stone.
"Nope." Snap.
A swarm of teethed tentacles.
"Nope." Snap.
A wall of chainsaws.
"Nope." Snap.
A sixty-year old British teenager with glasses.
"Nya!"
"You're not canon in this story." Snap.
A chunk of blue ice.
"Oh, come on!"
After one more desperate snap, the door was replaced with a cloud of moths, which quickly flew away from there, into the night. Xanaduu shrugged. "The way is open."
"Good." Carrot said, and turned around. "Hey DB, have you rallied the bloodsuckers yet?"
But the vampires were making it difficult, since they had climbed to the top of the tallest tree they could find, and now they latched onto the branches like a bunch of terrified ticks. Death Bringer was kicking and punching the trunk, to make them fall, but to not avail.
Carrot shook his head. "What a bunch of faggots."
Everyone gasped.
"What? I'm talking about those!" And the British werewolf pointed at some bundles of sticks that someone had left around the tree.
Ritsuko and the others watched the event unfold through the cameras.
"We are all going to die." Rei declared, before taking a sip of her soda.
The halls and corridors were silent after the passing of the Kaji horde. Only cigarettes remained, scattered on the floor, as witnesses of the devastation. Not wishing to break the quietness, for it was their best ally, the agents moved carefully, not making a single noise. Unheard. Unseen. They became one with the same shadows that had birthed their kin.
That's what they would have done if they had been competent.
"This place reminds me of the labyrinthine passages of my mind, EXCEPT THESE ARE MUCH CLEANER! MALKAV, HAVE MERCY!"
Death Bringer cursed when he hit his head with one of the fire extinguishers in the walls, and he proceeded to beat said fire extinguisher within an inch of its non-life. Meanwhile, Xanaduu put coins inside a snack machine, took a candy bar and gave it to Hoodie, who munched on it with very louds 'nom nom nom' noises.
"Mmmmh…" Hydro scratched his chin. "Too many corridors to choose from. Haltman, do the voices in your head whisper something useful?"
"They tell me that Carrot has been using DB's toothbrush! FOR MONTHS!"
"You motherfucker!" Death Bringer pounced on his British companion, and both devolved into a cartoony, brawly ball of smoke and punches.
A click and a hum let everyone know that the comm. channels had been opened again. Indeed, Ritsuko's voice soon spoke from the ceiling: "You need to take corridor B-7 all the way down to the old Eva cages. From there, corridor G-3 will take you to one of the computer rooms of the lower levels, where a group of security guards have taken refuge. Speak with Lieutenant Walken. We believe he was the closest one to the source of the invasion. He will tell you, and us, what is going on."
"Can't you give him a phone call or something?" Erik asked.
"I'm afraid some of our internal communications have been compromised by the Kaji horde. Speaking of which, I would recommend you to be quiet. Otherwise, you will attract–"
A door screeched open, not too far away. All the agents turned their heads towards the noise, even the werewolves, who stopped fighting.
A badly-shaved chin, attached to a 30-year-old-ish man with a ponytail, appeared and smiled at them.
And then another. And another. And…
"You're living with Katsuragi, aren't you?"
"It's held within hard Bakelite, though I'm certain it's still alive."
"Those who have a mole in the path of their tears are destined to cry all the time."
Before they knew it, the Kaji horde was advancing towards them, sporting wannabe-suave smirks and speaking in soap opera lines.
Death Bringer rose, gritting his teeth. Veins appeared in his forehead, and his muscles increased their volume, for his body was in the very edge of transformation. However, Hydro put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back.
"Hold on," the vampire said. "Perhaps there's no need to fight. Let's be smarter this time."
Hydro took a couple of step forwards, standing between his team and the incoming horde. Then, he extended his arms, and his eyes began to shine in red light. At the same time, his skin lost the pale tone so common among vampires, and became rosy and luscious, almost sparkling.
"Heed my words, clones!" his voice was different. Commanding. Alluring. More proper of a politician, or even an actor. "Stop your advance! No harm shall befall me or my servants!"
"Wait, what the fuck does he mean, serv–"
"Oh!" Shinji exclaimed. "Look at that, Asuka! He must be using Dominate!"
"Yeah!" she agreed. "And Presence too, I think."
It didn't take them long to notice that everyone else was staring at them, confused. Asuka rolled her eyes and sighed. "In the Old World of Darkness games, each vampire clan as a set of three special powers called Disciplines. Dominate and Presence are two of the Disciplines of the Ventrue clan."
"The first one is basically mind control," Shinji explained. "The second allows the vampire to appear much more attractive, which makes it easier to emotionally manipulate people."
"I see." Ritsuko said, munching on her chocolate tablet. "Do those things work on creatures that lack a real human mind and have little to no individuality?"
"I don't think so. Why?"
"AAAAAARGRAABLLLLBG!" So said Hydro as he got run over by about three dozen Kajis.
Death Bringer waited no more. In an instant, the seemingly normal Latin-American man was replaced by a humongous humanoid wolf, with fur as black as a moonless night. He leaped forward, opening his maw wide, like Fenrir himself at the day of Ragnarok.
His mouth closed on the head of the nearest Kaji, and in a single and violent whip of his lupine neck, he tore the clone's neck. The decapitated body was thrown, spinning through the air and spraying blood everywhere. DB crushed the head between his jaws, which exploded in a small shower of flesh, brain matter and bone pieces. This didn't seem to demoralize or deter the other Kajis, but that was fine for the werewolf.
With a single slash of one of his claws, he ripped out half the ribs of a second Kaji, and then used them to stab the face of a third. His fur was turning read due to the amount of blood being shed, and he roared, enthralled by the fire of battle.
"Well," Carrot Cake shrugged. "I guess we should go, too."
He transformed into a white-fur werewolf of regal stance, while Hoodie became a humanoid rat with a long, whip-like tail.
"Gentlemen!" Bland said, unfurling his four arms. "Let the Monster Mash begin!"
Thus, blood and guts began to flow. The werewolves were the blunt of the assault, tanking the incoming horde and slashing flesh and bone like crazy. Hoodie jumped from one Kaji to another, ripping their throats open with his long and powerful teeth.
Erik covered his fists in spiked gloves made of solid darkness, and landed blow after blow, crushing noses, skulls and badly-shaved chins. Haltman found Hydro, who had used the third discipline of his clan, Fortitude, to become indestructible at the cost of not moving. So, Haltman grabbed him by the ankles and began bludgeoning the Kajis with him.
With a snap of his fingers, Xanaduu turned the clothes of some Kajis into boiling lava, and soon they were nothing more than puddles of burnt meat. Bland's bones protruded from his fingers, creating long, sharp claws which cut through the clones like sinister scalpels. Asuc used his magic to rapidly dehydrate a small group of Kajis, who became shriveled, mummified corpses in a few seconds.
"So," Misato said as she ate her popcorn. "Is the tabletop game like this?"
"No." Shinji answered. "The game focuses more on storytelling and roleplaying. Its main themes are horror and character drama, since the players are cursed beings, forced to live in the shadows in order to not get killed, clinging to the last shreds of their humanity. It's certainly not a power fantasy." A Kaji liver impacted against one of the cameras, splattering red all over the screen. "And it's certainly not whatever is happening right now."
The battle was over, eventually. The Notable Nine stood amongst the mangled corpses, the guts and the bones.
"Ugh," Carrot said, back in human form, rubbing a napkin against his clothes. "These bloodstains won't come off…"
Haltman dropped Hydro on the ground, who deactivated his Fortitude and returned to normal.
"Ouch…"
"Good job, Hydro!" Erik said.
"That's Count Hydro to you… ouch…"
"Look at this," Xanaduu said, pointing at the carnage around them. "We might've gone a bit overboard with the violence. It reminds me of Scar Tissue. Do you remember Scar Tissue, Asuc?"
"I remember when Scar Tissue was just regular tissue."
A noise from far away in the corridor attracted their attention, and interrupted their post-fight rest. A new group of Kajis, not as big as the previous one but still quite numerous, was running towards them.
"Again?" Hoodie complained, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Ugh… DB, you can take care of those. All for you. Have fun."
Alas, Death Bringer was busy mauling on a Kaji corpse. Foam flowed from between his lupine fangs, and he replied with only a berserk roar.
Bland scratched his chin, looking at the incoming Kajis. "Erik. Xanaduu. Could you immobilize those, please? Keep them alive."
Erik summoned tentacles of darkness, which emerged from the clones' shadows and trapped them in a supernatural hold. Meanwhile, the green-headed mage snapped his fingers and transformed the Kaji's clothes into skin-tight prisons of hard steel. Bland approached them, cracking the knuckles of his four hands.
"What are you gonna do?" Erik asked.
"This place is too big. If we wish to finish the mission before sunrise, it will be wise to have a vehicle. And it'd be a shame to waste such good materials."
And he got to work. At his touch, the skin and flesh of the Kajis opened. He took out bones and reassembled them into an enormous framework, weaving nerves and blood vessels over it. Livers, stomachs and lungs became construction blocks. Using the intestines, he tied the different parts and pieces together. A beating engine was made out of hearts, brains and spines.
The flesh of the Kajis was clay in the hands of an aberrant artisan.
"Wow." Ritsuko said, while slurping her ramen. "That seems unfairly powerful for a tabletop game."
"Yeah." Asuka agreed. "That's Vicissitude, the signature discipline of the Tzimisce clan. If I remember correctly, they weren't supposed to be playable in the earliest editions, and existed only as overpowered enemies. Even nowadays, many people don't like to play them or have them in the game. The Tzimisce either outclass all the other clans, or they are too difficult to implement in a balanced game."
The voice of an offended Bland came through the comm. channel:
"Well, excuse me for being awesome."
"Bland is too OP, I say! PLEASE NEEEEEEEEERF!"
"Shut up, Haltman."
The Notable Nine gawked at the creation of their vampiric comrade. Before them stood a fleshy contraption, an organic mockery of a small convertible bus. The chassis was raw muscle, and the seats were lined with human skin.
"It is done," Bland announced while grabbing a potted plant that just happened to be there. "Aboard, my friends!"
Death Bringer, back in human form, took the driver's seat. Once everyone else was comfortable and ready, he stepped on the pedal.
The pedal was a living Kaji face, so it reacted with an 'Ouch.'
Thus, the gory vehicle began the long journey towards the bowels of Nerv Headquarters, carrying the agents swiftly to their objective. To their destiny.
The wheels were also Kaji heads, so when it moved, it did so with a chorus of 'ouch ouch ouch ouch.'
"Hold on," Misato said. "Did that weirdo just stole one our plants?"
"It must be the compulsion," Shinji explained. "As part of their weaknesses, each vampire clan has a compulsion that can activate when they use their powers. In the case of Tzimisce vampires, it makes them obsessed with possessing something from the scene."
"Uh. Well, I guess we're lucky he only wanted a plant."
"Yep. By the way, the burgers are almost done." With a movement of the spatula, Shinji turned the hissing meat on the grill upside-down.
Ritsuko walked closer to the screens. She pressed some keys, changing the angles of some of the cameras, to get a better view of the agents and their new macabre transportation.
"You know, she said, "this is a great opportunity. I never had the chance to study any of the supernatural monsters of the night, and now I have many of them here! And from different species! How will they behave with each other? Will they struggle to keep their rivalries aside? Will they share their secrets? Imagine the things that we could learn, listening to such interesting convers–"
"I'm Henry the eight I am, Henry the eight I am, I am…"
As the song continued, Ritsuko lowered her head and sighed, wishing that she could be in a better-written story.
"…I got married to the widow next door…"
The bus of flesh moved across the iron platform. Dead heads of many failed Eva prototypes watched like grim and silent guardian, at the top of enormous spines emerging from the LCL.
"…she's been married seven times before…"
Standing up next to the driver, Carrot Cake lead the singing of their comrades, like an orchestra director.
"…and everyone was a Henry, she wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam…"
"No Sam!" Hoodie and Xanaduu bounced in their seats.
"…I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry; Henry the eight I am!"
"Alright, ya wankers!" Carrot said. "Second verse, same as the first!"
But their singing was interrupted when the platform trembled. Death Bringer hit the brakes. The flesh of the Kajis couldn't resist the tension, and bones and muscles snapped in several places. Guts spilled from inside the bus, whose frame crumbled quickly. With no other choice, the Notable Nine jumped off.
"I'll save you, Mr. Bush!" Bland said, talking to the potted plant in his arms.
Death Bringer turned into his werewolf form and carried Xanaduu on his back, while Erik carried Asux.
"By Mama Qucha!" The mummy exclaimed. "What is happening?"
A new tremor. Some of the giant spines snapped, and their old, failed Eva heads sunk into the depths. The surface of the LCL broke, and something big emerged, sprinkling the orange liquid in all directions.
That something was a gigantic creature, isopod-like, clad in a light brown exoskeleton. Its sharp legs clung onto the platform, bending it and forcing the Notable Nine to either jump further away, or grab onto the guard rails.
The creature's head turned.
It was the head of a giant Kaji.
Misato's can of beer fell to the floor. "What. The crap. Is that."
"Just as I feared," Ritsuko said. "The clones are mutating."
"Wait, what?"
"They need to make haste and reach the source of the Kaji Horde before–"
"No no no, Rits! Back up: what do you mean, 'mutating?'"
"… The Notable Nine are our only hope now."
"Stop ignoring me!"
Rei took a bite off her veggie burger.
Streams of LCL dripped from between the nooks and crannies of the creature's exoskeleton. Its enormous Kaji-like head smirked at the agents.
"It's the smell of rotting marine life. It's a testament to their life." It said.
Haltman did a somersault and hanged onto one of the remaining Eva spines, holding his hat so it would not fall. "That's not true, you scruffy manwhore! The sea smells bad because PEOPLE PEE IN IT! THE VOICES IN MY HEAD SAY SO!"
"Also!" Hydro yelled. "You used the word 'life' twice! Learn to write good lines!"
"Mr. Bush! Nooooooooooo!" Bland cried as the potted plant slipped from his claws and disappeared into the LCL below.
Death Bringer leaped through the air. His claws and fangs started to emanate blue smoke, and in an instant, they transformed into curved daggers of hardened ice. The exoskeleton of the giant Kaji was no match for the werewolf's supernatural powers, and the frozen weapons pierced the chitin with ease.
Carrot Cake followed his friend's lead, but he didn't summon any ice. Instead, his whole body ignited with silver light. Like a furious, living comet; he ran up the body of the giant Kaji until he reached the face. A single slash of his burning claws was enough to leave a gash on the cheek.
In response to those attacks, the mutant sunk again below the LCL, forcing the werewolves to jump back to the rail.
"Fuck!" Death Bringer spat. "Come back here, you coward!"
"This isn't working," Carrot grumbled. "We need to keep it on the surface long enough so that we can kill it!"
Bland climbed up one of the spines, and met Haltman on the head.
"Bone." He said. "Bone, and a bit of old flesh. I think I can use it to immobilize the aberration, but it will take some time." He yelled at his friends still on the platform: "When it resurfaces, keep it in place for a while!"
"Leave it to me!" Xanaduu jumped over the guard rails, diving into the orange liquid.
He wasn't submerged for long, though. A column of ice –not frozen LCL, but pure ice– rose, with the mage standing triumphantly on top, arms crossed. His red scarf flowed on a nonexistent, but very cinematic breeze.
The giant isopod Kaji returned as well, and some more Eva heads were knocked down. The one with Bland and Haltman tilted and shook, but didn't fall.
"Face me, abomination!" Xanaduu yelled. "The ice made by my magic shall not crack! It shall not crumble!"
The monster head-butted the frozen column, and indeed, it suffered no damage. Moving his arms like Mickey Mouse in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Xanaduu weaved the shape of the ice into many hands which grabbed onto the isopodian legs. That giant Kaji would not return to the depths.
Or, at least, that was Xanaduu's intention. Sadly, reality hiccupped one more time and disagreed with his magic. In the blink of an eye, the great column of ice became a frail tower of rubber ducks.
"Oh, come oooooooooooooonnn!" The mage yelled as the support under his feet crumbled, and he fell into the LCL, among a cloud of yellow bath toys.
"I shall help him!" Haltman jumped off the Eva head. "As a child of Caine, I need not fear the depths, for I do not need to breathe THE WICKED OXYGEN!"
He miscalculated and hit the platform. But, after making sure that the corks were still dangling from his hat, and that he still had his underwear on; he jumped again.
The giant Kaji turned its attention to the rest of the agents. It leaned in closer and opened its mouth. Six much smaller creatures crawled through its tongue and jumped down. They were crabs the size of small horses, but their exoskeletons had the green color of watermelons. They rose their pincers in the air, clacking menacingly, as they approached.
Also, and surprising no one, they had Kaji heads instead of mouths.
"There's a river wider than any ocean between men and wo–" a big, black lupine fist caved in its face. It made a wet and disgusting noise when it crushed whatever foul organs were inside the monster.
Death Bringer pulled his arm back, watching as the mutant crab turned on its back, its legs wiggling pathetically. Then, he looked at the pinkish, sticky liquid now covering his hand and rolled his eyes. "Of course they bleed fucking watermelon juice."
"Bland!" Carrot called as he wrestled with another crab. "Is it ready?"
"Not yet! Just a little more time!"
But the giant Kaji waited for nobody, and it sunk again, shaking the whole room.
A crab tried to hit Hydro, but the vampire called his Fortitude and the pincer shattered against his reinforced undead flesh. Asuc used his magic to dehydrate the monster to death, and the exoskeleton crumbled, releasing a cloud of dust. Hoodie transformed into a small rat and ran around, confusing the other crabs and making them clash against each other. Death Bringer, Carrot Cake and Erik took that chance to crush them into a pulp.
A new tremor, and the giant Kaji returned, vomiting even more crab warriors into the platform, much to the agents' chagrin. Except Death Bringer, who was happier than a kid in a candy store.
"I have died and gone to Valhalla!" He laughed as he gutted the decapods, ripping their badly-shaven faces with his fangs.
When the giant Kaji was about to dive again, seemingly damming them to an eternal and cyclical battle, something else broke the surface of the LCL. Something yellow.
The enormous rubber duck tackled the Kaji isopod, preventing its retreat to the depths. Hanaduu and Haltman were holding tight onto the neck of the colossal toy. This interruption seemed to upset the mutant Kaji, for it tried to assault the duck with its sharp legs.
So the duck shot lasers out of its eyes wait what?
Three of the legs of the giant Kaji were cut off clean, and the wounds cauterized immediately.
"I have no idea how I did this!" Xanaduu laughed.
"Get him, oh MIGHTY RUBBER DUCK OF THE APOCALYPSE!"
The two titans clashed, and their struggle created waves of LCL and even more tremors. However, it gave Bland the time he needed.
"It is done!"
The Eva head and spine returned to life, or rather, a temporary mockery of it. Its jaws opened wide, lunged forward, and sunk its teeth into the exoskeleton of the giant Kaji, holding it in place.
"Erik!" Death Bringer called. "With me! We're finishing this!"
And they jumped off the platform. DB grew icy daggers in his claws one more time, while Erik summoned a sword made of pure darkness. In perfect unison, they stabbed the, for lack of a better word, 'neck' of the giant Kaji. Then, they allowed gravity to pull them down, thus opening a long gash, spilling the abominable guts.
Silence. The enormous isopod now floated in the LCL, whose orange coloration had grown darker due to all the blood. The giant rubber duck vanished, and both Xanaduu and Haltman landed on the corpse, where they found Death Bringer and Erik. Bland also jumped off the Eva head, which returned to being immobile and dead.
"Haltman, what are you doing?" He asked when he saw his fellow vampire drinking from a wound in the exoskeleton. "Such mutated blood can't even be tasty or satisfying by this point. … Can it?"
Curious, Bland dipped a sharp finger in the blood and tasted it. His eyes opened wide, and his smile would've elongated, were it not reaching the ears already. "Hydro, come down here! The vitae of this beast is edible!"
From the platform, Carrot shook his head as he watched the four undead reunite and feast on the carcass of the giant isopod Kaji.
"You vampires are disgusting," he said, pulling out a small book from his pocket. "If you need me, I'll be reading my futanari centaur foot fetish erotica, thank you very much."
"Crab Kajis, really?" Asuka huffed. "This is getting nonsensical. I hope those buffoons can solve the situation soon. We've been trapped in here for hours! We're gonna starve by this point!"
"You want chocolate cake or strawberry cake, Asuka?"
"Both."
It took a while, but Bland managed to rebuild the fleshbus by mixing the remains of the original with the corpses of the Kaji crabs and the giant Kaji isopod. Not as impressive as the first one, and most likely wouldn't last as long; but it should be enough to take them to their destination. Thus, the Notable Nine boarded it.
When Death Bringer was about to, they all heard the noise of something big and heavy being dragged through the platform. Bland was trying to move the head of a failed Eva prototype. He clasped at it with his four arms, and grunted as he pulled, with not much success.
Death Bringer approached the vampire. "Compulsion?"
"Compulsion."
The werewolf sighed. Not needing to change into his beast form, and using only one arm, he pulled Bland away from the head.
"No!" the vampire shrieked. "I want it! It's mine!" His claws left marks on the armor.
"You can't take it with us." Death Bringer carried him over his shoulder, back to the bus.
"I will extract your stomach through your ear and pour the digestive acids into your eyes!"
"No, you won't."
"I hate you!"
"No, you don't."
"… Yeah, I don't."
And so, the macabre vehicle continued the journey, leaving the old cages behind and taking the corridor G-3, as Ritsuko had instructed them. Four songs later, they reached a gate that had been blocked by a pile of furniture. A few dead Kajis were on the floor around it, clearly killed by bullets.
"Look." Hydro pointed at the broken cameras, and the cables ripped out of the wall. "No wonder Doctor Akagi couldn't get in contact with these guys, with so much damage."
The agents stepped down the fleshbus and approached the barricade. All except Death Bringer, who began to step on the Kaji corpses with a maniacal smile on his face.
"Hello?" Carrot asked. "We're looking for Lieutenant Walken."
"We're here to help!" Hoodie said.
A few chairs were taken away from the other side. A face peeked through the hole, of someone that looked like a younger Christopher Walken, but more Japanese.
"Mmmmh…" He scrutinized the Notable Nine. "No ponytail, so you're not infected. No stubble, no old-fashioned pink tie… Hey, you. The one with four arms."
"Yes?"
"I like your style. Well, you don't look like allies of those copy machine spawns to me. Certainly not that big fella over there, stomping on them. Come in."
The barricade was taken down briefly, and the agents walked into the room. It was filled with large computers, although they now were turned off, and most likely broken. Haltman entered last, and as the barricade was recreated by a group of security guards, Walken stopped the vampire.
"Wait a moment. Where are your pants, soldier?"
"I reject ALL PANTS! That way, my underwear shall become OVERWEAR!"
Walken smiled. "I like your style."
The security guards and the technicians didn't react well to the agents, especially to Bland, Asuc and Xanaduu; and they kept their distance. It seemed some of them hadn't managed to escape the Kajis in time, for they sported ponytails.
Lieutenant Walken sat on one of the few chairs that hadn't been used to block the entrance.
"So," Hydro said. "Doctor Akagi told us that you were close to the source of the horde during the initial outbreak, and that you could perhaps take us to it."
"Indeed. My men and I were patrolling the old 'Reiquarium,' as they've grown to call it, when the first wave of those sonsabitches burst out of nowhere."
"What's that Reiquarium you speak of?" Bland asked,
"A cloning facility that the old commander kept in secret. Decommissioned near the end of the Angel Wars, at least in theory. But I would bet my collection of R2D2 paperweights that the Kajis come from there."
"Then it's easy," Death Bringer said, cracking his knuckles. "We kill every ponytailed bastard we find in our way, we crush that cloning facility, and the job is done!"
But Walken shook his head. "No can do, big guy. When the outbreak began, the safety protocols activated, and all the areas around and above the Reiquarium were sealed. My team and I escaped by the skin of our teeth."
"How do we open them?" Carrot asked.
"Going into the Command Centre. We need direct access to the MAGI to undo the seal. Plus, if you could provide cover for my team, we could also re-establish the communications with Doctor Akagi." He sighed. "But you'd have to go through the Ultra Kaji first."
And just like that, a chill ran through everyone present. Even the vampires felt it.
"The what?" Erik asked.
"A fearsome beast." Walken's eyes got lost at some point in the infinite. "The legend of the Ultra Kaji goes all the way back to the beginning of the outbreak, about seven or eight hours ago. They say he has a ponytail so long that he can use it as a whip, and it cuts through flesh and steel. They also say that he has more chins than any other Kaji, with stubbles so hard that not even the mightiest blades can shave them."
"Wow." Xanaduu said. "The lore of this mission is growing deeper than Re-Take. Asuc, remember Re-Take?"
"I remember when Re-Take was just Take. Good times."
As Hoodie patted Lieutenant Walken's head, the other agents exchanged looks and nodded.
"Hop on the bloody bus," Carrot said. "We'll take you all to the Command Centre."
We couldn't find a good transition scene, so have Kaworu dancing on ice instead.
…
You've just imagined Kaworu dancing on ice.
Apologies for the inconveniences.
Nerv's Command Centre. Once, the place from where the defense of humanity had been directed. A marvel of modern engineering, housing the most powerful computers ever created.
Now, a ghost room. The screens were silent. No technicians attended to the mighty MAGI. No commander watched from above.
Only Kajis.
One of them patrolled the east wall of the Command Centre. He approached another, and began a conversation:
"It's more realistic to be addicted to desire as a hu–"
The fleshbus burst through the wall, squashing the two Kajis into crimson jelly. Alas, that action proved to be too much for the improvised butchery vehicle; and it crumbled, spilling its organic components everywhere.
"Your job is done," Bland said, melancholic, as the muscles and the veins slipped out of his hands. "Goodbye, my friend. I hope you meet Mr. Bush on the other side…"
Asuc Chicper moved fast: he turned to the hole they had just opened and waved his hands while mumbling prayers in the tongue of his people. In a few seconds, Incan runes appeared on the borders of the opening, glowing with green and brown light.
"Done." Asuc said. "I've place a ward in this hole. No Kajis will be able to cross it, although I'm afraid it will only work on the models we have seen. If there are more mutations out there…"
"It shall be enough, brother." Death Bringer got into his wolf form and leaped off to face the incoming Kajis. "Now, to battle!"
"Erik!" Carrot said, transforming as well. "You, DB and me will push them back! The rest of you, protect the Lieutenant and his crew!"
Thus, the company of monsters opened a safe path to the MAGI. The werewolves ran and jumped around, tearing their enemies apart with claw and fang. Erik encased his body in a nightmarish armor of darkness, with shadow tendrils growing from his sides, and crushed any Kaji in his way. If a clone managed to get through that, Xanaduu or Asuc would use their magic to annihilate it before it could approach the technicians.
"We're here!" Hydro announced. "Alright people, get to work! We will form a perimeter to defend you!" He then sniffed the air. "That smell… What the? Walken, you are bleeding!"
Indeed, the lieutenant had been hurt, possibly during the crash, and now his left shoulder was red. However, he didn't falter, he didn't wince. Walken stood, proud, and smirked. "I ain't got time to bleed." And used his gun to shoot at the surrounding Kajis, while his technicians got to work on the computers.
Asuc glanced at the hole in the east wall. As he had expected it, some Kajis were trying to cross it from the other side, but the magic kept them at bay. Alas, the smile soon faded off his dried and wrinkly lips, for a new type of clones shoved their brothers aside and passed without issue.
These Kajis had guns and cybernetics fused to their arms.
"Duck!"
"Ducks?" Hydro asked. "Where? Ouch my head! Who the fuck shot me?"
Bullets flew from below as the small army of new Kajis made their way towards the computers. Walken's technicians cowered under the desks and chairs.
"There must be guns stashed here!" The lieutenant said. "Grab them and return fire at my order!"
"Here they are!" Using his natural rat-like agility, Hoodie jumped from one position to the other, making sure that everyone would have, at least, one weapon.
Bland turned to their compatriot in permanent underwear. "Haltman, I think it's time for your Obfuscate to shine. Metaphorically speaking, of course."
And the pantless vampire disappeared from sight.
The advancing Kajis couldn't see through the supernatural invisibility, for they had no more mechanisms than those in their arms, and none of them were scanners or cameras. They didn't see Haltman jumping down from the computer area, or pulling two big knifes from his briefs.
He ran, cloaked in Caine's gift of the unseen. He scuttled among the clones, cutting the cables that dangled from their cybernetic arms, slicing their weaponized hands and slashing their necks. From each open jugular came a stream of blood, and he drank from it, in order to keep his Obfuscate active for longer without feeling hungry.
His shoes still made squeaking noises with every step, but that ended up working in his favor, since it confused and distracted the Kajis.
In one swift movement, Haltman decapitated the last one. As the head rolled on the floor, leaving a crimson trail behind, the vampire returned to visibility. One knee on the ground, he spun the knives in his hands.
"In vitae anointed, my blades have done their grim deeds, and THE EMU WARS HAVE BEEN AVENGED!"
But not all the Kajis had been killed by Haltman. The front half of the column still advanced towards the MAGI.
"Shoot them to Hell, lads and lasses!" Walken yelled. "Make sure to not hit our underwear-loving friend!"
"Nah, don't worry," Hydro said, massaging the bullet hole in his head, which had begun to heal already. "We vampires are mostly unaffected by small firearms… Come on, man; did you get hurt again?"
Walken ignored the increasing red stain in his leg, and the hole in his chest that was literally spraying blood. "I ain't got time to bleed." And he kept shooting.
Still, despite their efforts, five of the gun-Kajis survived and reached their position. Bland stood quickly in their way, unfurling his four arms and standing on the tips of his talons.
The Kajis aimed.
Bland's mouth opened, his jaw unhinged like a snake about to swallow, and he breathed a fierce cone of fire at the Kajis, who were soon reduced to a pile of charbroiled bones and melted metal.
"What?" Xanaduu shrieked. "What was that, Bland?"
"Breath of the Dragon. A special power of Vicissitude."
"You just breathed fire!"
"Yes. That's what Breath of the Dragon does."
"But I thought you vampires were terrified of fire!"
"Indeed we are."
"But you just breathed fire!"
"Yes. That's what Breath of the Dragon does."
"But vampires are terrified of fire!"
"Indeed we are."
"BUT YOU JUST–"
Meanwhile, above their heads, the battle was over. Death Bringer smashed the skull of the last Kaji against what had once been Gendo Ikari's desk, cracking them both. Then, he spat the other mauled Kaji in his maw, and turned to his companions.
Erik gave him a thumbs up. Carrot cleaned his blood-stained claws in the clothes of a felled Kaji.
"We have it!" one of Walken's technicians exclaimed. "Re-establishing connections and unsealing lower levels in three, two, one…"
The screens flickered to life, and through the walls came the distant noises of magnetic gates being opened. The speakers woke up with a buzz, and the voice of Ritsuko came through:
"Good job, everyone. Now that all our systems are online, it will be much easier to monitor your advance through… Lieutenant Walken, you're bleeding."
Three more holes in his body, with blood flowing through them like water from a fountain. However, Walken didn't seem to suffer any ill-effects. "No time for that, ma'am."
Hydro approached, holding a coffee cup that read '#1 Count in the world,' filled it with the lieutenant's blood, and drank it. His companions gave him a weird look.
"What? It's a shame for it to go to waste!"
"Stay alert." Walken continued. "We have won this battle, but not the war. And the Ultra Kaji might be around somewhere."
No sooner he said those words that a hole opened in the ceiling, and a creature jumped down, landing perfectly in front of Death Bringer.
"Oh, there it is."
Hoodie smacked Walken up the head.
The Ultra Kaji was no bigger than the normal clones, just more muscular. His ponytail was even longer than his own body, easily reaching the four meters, perhaps even more. When he looked at Death Bringer, the rage of the werewolf quivered for a fearful instant, for that abomination had no eyes, just two more mouths, all of them sporting a suave smile.
His shoulders were chins. His elbows and knees were chins, each with a stubble.
He was naked, but it didn't matter, for between his legs there was nothing but yet another badly-shaven chin.
All heads turned to look at Misato. Some eyebrows were raised.
"What? Are you expecting me to say something on the lines of 'It's not so different from the real thing?' That is a chin. There is no comparison. Have some decency, please!"
"People who live in glass houses…"
"Shut up, Asuka."
The Ultra Kaji moved first. He opened the three mouths in his face and exhaled a large cloud of foul-smelling smoke. Death Bringer and Carrot Cake began to cough uncontrollably.
"It's cheap cigarette smoke!" The British werewolf said.
"Ha!" Erik laughed. "It doesn't affect me!" And he sprinted towards the new enemy, summoning a blade made of darkness in each hand. The Kaji, however, didn't move an inch. Instead, his ponytail whipped at a demonic speed, hitting the vampire and sending him flying. His dark weapons vanished.
Carrot Cake tried to react, but the ponytail cut through the air and stroke him right in the chest, pushing him over the edge of the platform. He fell on the Casper unit.
Death Bringer rose from among the smoke, snarling. His eyes were bloodshot, and a spark of unbridled rage shone in his animalistic pupils. "Fear the Might of Thor, you horsebutt head!"
A mighty, primal howl rose from his throat, and his muscles became twice as thick. His body released a shockwave that dissipated the smoke. DB pounced high in the air, summoning ice into his claws and letting gravity do the rest. But the ponytail whipped up, and the clash not only shattered his frozen weapons, it also forced him away from the Ultra Kaji. DB didn't desist, though. With a quick movement of legs, he soon covered the distance between them, this time avoiding the ponytail, and threw a mighty punch.
The Ultra Kaji blocked it by crossing his arms in front of his face. Death Bringer attacked with a kick, but his enemy did the same, and both legs clashed.
Slashes were met with resistance, and punches were returned. The Ultra Kaji had good footwork, and despite his lack of eyes, it seemed he could see perfectly.
The ponytail whipped again, cutting through Death Bringer's face and making him jump back.
"You fucker!" He tried to advance, but the ponytail hit him again, and again, and every time it did, a new gash opened in his werewolf skin. DB covered his face with his arms while the assault of the weaponized hair grew in speed and ferocity.
But then, the pain stopped. Not the attacks, just the pain. For some reason, the ponytail could no longer harm him.
Death Bringer looked at the vampire holding onto his back.
"I'm sharing my Fortitude with you!" Hydro said. "Go!"
The werewolf advanced, step by step. His increased toughness wasn't lost to the Ultra Kaji, who continued with his ponytail attack, if only to delay his enemy. At the same time, the mutant was calculating, in his mutant brain, the best course of action to deal with this obstacle. He made a decision, and got ready to move…
…only to find that he couldn't. Two hands made of metal had emerged from the very floor and had grasped at his ankles, anchoring him in place.
Death Bringer looked back. Xanaduu was hanging from the edge of the platform, one arm extended towards the Ultra Kaji.
"It won't last forever! Finish him!"
The werewolf hastened his movements, jumping and crouching to avoid the renewed and desperate attacks of the giant ponytail. The Ultra Kaji opened his three mouths again, hoping that another cloud of smoke could give him the edge he needed. However, before he could do it, something jumped out of nowhere and hugged his face.
"Surprise!" Hoodie said. "You won't be polluting the air anymore, mister!"
Meanwhile, below, Bland had been working with the Kaji corpses since the arrival of the Ultra version, and had fabricated a big battle-axe made of sinew and sharpened bone. He ran to Carrot, who was still somewhat dizzy from crashing into Casper.
"Maneuver 37-Z!" Bland said, giving him the axe. "Just like that one time in Atlantis!"
Carrot nodded. "Erik, the 37-Z"
"On it!" The vampire, who had fallen on Melchior, called on its Obtenebration and used the limited natural shadows of the place to teleport himself back to the platform above.
Carrot jumped, as high as his werewolf muscles allowed him to, and threw the axe at him.
"DB!" Erik called.
One more time, the macabre axe swirled through the air, until a black, savage claw closed on its handle.
Death Bringer spun, avoiding the ponytail one more time. Then, in a mighty swing downwards, he sunk the axe into the chest of the Ultra Kaji.
It didn't kill him, but that was fine. It was just a distraction.
As the Ultra Kaji grabbed the axe with both hands and tried to take it out, Death Bringer ran behind him, took a hold of the ponytail, put it around the Kaji's neck and squeezed. He even slammed a foot on the mutant's back and applied pressure. Like a spy using a garrote wire, DB tensed the ponytail as much as the Might of Thor allowed him, grunting and growling.
The crack of a crushed trachea and broken vertebrae echoed in the whole room, and the Ultra Kaji stopped moving.
Death Bringer bit his head off, just in case.
Down below, Walken smirked. "I really like his style."
"Seriously, man; put some bandages on."
About ten minutes later, Erik and Hoodie rendezvoused with the rest around the three cores of the MAGI. They carried Death Bringer, who was back into his human form and could barely move a muscle.
"What's wrong with him?" Ritsuko asked through the comm. channel.
"Eh…" He panted. "The… The Might of Thor drains too much stamina… I need to rest for an hour or so…"
"I'm not sure that will be possible." Walken said. "With the lower levels unsealed, more Kajis are bound to come over."
"That's their origin?"
"Aye, ma'am. From the Reiquarium, I reckon."
"I hate that name." Rei's voice interrupted.
"Yeah, yeah; we'll deal with that later. Now, if the Kaji horde truly comes from there, then the situation is direr than I suspected. Notable Nine, you will need to…"
But then, all of the screens in the Command Centre showed static. The technicians looked at each other in confusion, and when they tried to fix it, they found themselves unable to.
Before anyone could ask what was going on, a new and strange voice spoke:
"I see that you have defeated my Ultra Kaji. Congratulations. It was very entertaining."
To be concluded…
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Many thanks to Born2Walken (Lieutenant Walken) for accepting to be in this silly thing, and for letting me make that constant reference to the very first Predator movie.
And speaking of references, the first scene with the elevator and everyone going with the sheep after making fools of themselves is a homage to the Spanish comic book Mortadelo y Filemón, which I loved to read as a kid.
Thanks to all of you for reading. :)
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OMAKE: There's something missing...
An empty void. A blank space, devoid of reality. As white as a page after the chapter is over.
Panting, Kyoko entered into the void, looked around, and kicked the nothingness.
"Shoot, I missed the chapter!" she pouted. "I slept in..."