Epilogue is up next!

Chapter 21

Kowalski continued to pretend to look through the notes he had been given as Skipper entered the small room they had given him to work in. It hadn't been much, just a table with two chairs, a large whiteboard, and a suspiciously large mirror that was most likely one-way glass. Technically he was suspended, but nanotech was his specialty and Alice had persuaded the committee to let him look over some solutions that the medical team came up with while he waited for the investigation to conclude.

"Anything yet?" Skipper finally asked when his Lieutenant didn't stir at his arrival.

"So far nothing that won't end in either heavy metal poisoning or a series of blood transfusions that won't guarantee that the nanobots will be removed." Kowalski closed the folder with a sigh of defeat. It had only been a few days and while Rico was stable his health was showing no signs of improvement. A working theory from the medical wing was that Rico's Dextrocardia Situs Inversus was now causing unforeseen complications, but he firmly believed that Doris hadn't intended for Rico to survive even if the serum had been administered in time.

"Don't count Rico out yet." Skipper wanted to sound positive but it felt flat. He had been able to see Rico in the days since they had arrived and he only seemed to be getting worse as time stretched on. Of course, the same could be said about Kowalski.. "And don't count yourself out yet either."

At that Kowalski looked up and regarded Skipper for a moment. He knew that his commanding officer had been going to bat for him since day one, but it was a losing battle. "Well, that's just until the committee makes a decision. The writing is practically on the wall."

"If you really felt that way you wouldn't be trying so hard to find a solution." Skipper set the thick envelope he was carrying down on the table in front of him, but it did little to pique Kowalski's interest.

Instead, it was clear that the other man was lost in thought.

The silence continued as Kowalski didn't answer. Although it wasn't for having a lack of an answer rather he wasn't sure how he could say it. But at this point, he was beyond tired and knew that there was no point in lying. He had been raked over the coals thoroughly by Alice and had been cut to the bone during a psych evaluation just a few days prior.

"Whatever decision the committee comes to I'll accept without argument because I'm not trying to save myself," Kowalski started, internally wincing at how close it sounded to his confession that he hadn't planned on living for long if the partnership with Doris had come to fruition. He closed his eyes and the image of Doris's lifeless body being zipped into a body bag bubbled to the surface. He remembered the medic remarking how lucky he had been to not have stabbed himself with the toxin during the fight.

"I never thought you were." Skipper wasn't surprised by the response. He had already been notified of the red flags that came up in Kowalski's evaluation. In fact, it was the primary reason that he had been allowed to see Kowalski. "I'm just not sure who you're trying to save now."

Kowalski looked up at Skipper in confusion. The answer seemed obvious to him. It had been the only thought on his mind for days. It was the only thought on his mind now. "Rico, of course."

"But at the cost of yourself?"

"Skipper, I had a bit of an epiphany a few days ago." He started and paused waiting for Skipper to interrupt him, but when he didn't he took that as a sign to continue. "It has occurred to me that Rico has helped me even when it's been an inconvenience to him. Trusted me time and time again or at least he did, until recently."

Skipper's curiosity was piqued by the remark. He knew that Rico had been hurt by Kowalski turning most of his attention to Doris, but it hadn't lessened his trust in the man. "What makes you so sure that you lost his trust?"

"I was starting to lose his trust before then," Kowalski closed his eyes and willed himself to ignore the memory of Rico explaining how he had to trust someone to be intimate with them. The moment had stirred something that he thought he had buried long ago and wasn't ready to uncover. Instead, in hindsight, he felt foolish for taking what Rico said to mean sexual intimacy alone. It was something that Doris had teased and later taunted him with– the intimacy he had with Rico. Of course, he had denied it, forgetting that there was an alarming degree of intimacy in the simple gestures and acts between them.

Kowalski looked up at Skipper and decided to approach the topic as bluntly as possible. "Do you know why Rico and Julien broke up?

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"It's what made me change the terms of the agreement," Kowalski explained. "Honestly, I thought they had gotten back together at first. It wasn't until a few days ago that I learned that wasn't the case. Either way, it reminded me that Rico didn't trust me enough to tell me about the relationship when it began."

"That still doesn't mean anything." Skipper tried to follow Kowalski's thought process, but even after knowing him for as long as he had, it was a fruitless effort. He simply stated the only fact that he could, "Rico doesn't like being open about his relationships."

"I know." Kowalski nodded. "However, Rico told me that they broke up because there was someone else and I realized that not only did I lose Rico's trust, but I had ruined his chance at happiness time and time again. With everything that's happened to him because of me, and my inability to see Doris for what she was, I want to give him a chance to be happy. All I want is for Rico to get a chance at happiness without me screwing it up. Even if by some slim chance I'm not discharged and sent to Hoboken I'm not sure I have a right to be on the team anymore."

Skipper pushed the envelope toward Kowalski with a bitter sigh. "Before we started his mission, Rico requested that if he did not survive I would give this to you. Now I'm not counting him out and I'm sure if he knew I was giving this to you he would be pissed at me. But the committee has requested a meeting with you before they reach their final verdict and I'm not letting you face those sharks without knowing what else is in the water."

Kowalski took the envelope and felt his lips part in surprise at the sight of Rico's sketchbook. It was the one that Rico didn't even trust him to pick up after it had fallen on the floor. His curiosity was piqued, but he hesitated to open the cover. "I don't understand,' he spoke softly, running his hand over the plain cover. It didn't make any sense to him why Rico would want him to have something so personal.

"Rico's never been the best with words." Skipper answered with a soft shrug.

Kowalski turned the cover over and froze. While he hadn't given much thought to what Rico was drawing, he didn't expect to come face-to-face with himself on the page. Was this how Rico saw him? He looked so content rendered in pencil on the smooth white paper. After a moment of hesitation, he turned the page and let out a choked sound. There were several sketches of him on the page, from him in the lab to him during training sessions.

Then he started to notice that further into the book the sketches were accompanied by short captions and phrases. One was of Kowalski with a novelty coffee and off to the side, Rico had added a note detailing how Kowalski took his coffee. There was also a small penguin that suspiciously looked like it had a mohawk next to the note remarking in Spanish that it was more sugar than coffee.

A smile graced his lips for a moment but it faded as he continued to turn the pages. It wasn't just him. Some drawings were of the places they had gone to together or some of the projects they were working on. All with their own little comments and observations.

A page was full of visual puns and a note that read. New life goal: get Kowalski to laugh so hard he snorts.

Do NOT let Kowalski watch Re-Animator was written across the bottom of a stylized page that looked like concept art for a movie poster with him as a mad scientist.

Ideas to cover up Kowalski's shame. The note and page stung, but at the same time, he felt a pang of gratitude because he had regretted the dolphin tattoo since he had woken up with it.

He was getting to the end of the book when he noticed another drawing of himself. Only this time he was dressed up and it struck him that it was what he wore on his date with Doris before everything fell apart.

He looked at the note and felt his breath catch in his throat. Kowalski, I wish you believed me when I said you were handsome. Maybe I shouldn't have flirted with you so much all those years but even if I hadn't I don't think you would ever believe that I meant it. But if you're reading this and I'm gone I need you to turn the page and believe me now.

Kowalski swallowed thickly and stared at the arrow at the end of the note urging him to continue. But he couldn't bring himself to turn the page trapped on the idea that Rico had been genuine in his advances all those years ago. The implications were too much to consider as he thought about the fact that Rico had said that there had been someone else, but he had to know. He turned the page and began to read.