A/N: I know, some of the last two chapters was hard to read. Initially, I didn't want Mic to be a sympathetic character, but I also didn't want to make him entirely wretched. Instead, my muse took over and he turned into the Mic I've always imagined him to be and the story got a little darker than I had previously intended. Poor Mac, but she'll find her strength again.
No One Is To Blame
"No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones
Chapter 5: Count the Cost
May 14th, 2001
Let me in, Rabb! I know she's in there!
Harm yanked open his door, but only enough to slip out into the hall. He grabbed Mic by the lapels of his jacket and slammed him into the opposite wall.
"Listen, you son of a bitch. Do you honestly think I would let you anywhere near Mac after what you've done?"
"Let go of me, mate."
"I don't think so. Not until I toss you out of here on your ass."
"Look, Rabb. I just want to talk to her, to apologize."
"Right, and I'm the queen of England. You're not getting within ten feet of her."
"Dammit, mate!"
"You're a fucking bastard, you know," Harm spat, slamming him into the wall again. "She told me about the bruises, how you hurt her, how you guilted her into staying with you even though she didn't want to. She was your hostage, Brumby!"
Mic tried to pry Harm's hands of him, but Harm's strength was fueled by rage, and Mic finally gave up. He still met Harm's penetrating glare with defiance, however, and Harm fought his strengthening desire to beat Mic to a bloody pulp. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Mic?"Mic took in a deep breath.
"You're right, Rabb. You're right, but don't pretend she's blameless. And don't pretend you are either. I saw you kiss her. I saw how she responded, but you had no right to lay a hand on her. She was my fiancée, and you couldn't handle that. You sure picked a good time to declare yourself, ten feet from all her friends. You're just as much of a bastard as I am."
"Bullshit, Brumby. I would never have treated her the way you did." The two stared at each other, fire in their eyes, but then Mic suddenly went nearly limp, and his expression went from defiant to defeated.
"You're right, Rabb," he whispered. "You never would have. Look, I know how she feels about you. I know she was miserable this past week. I heard her cry out for you in her sleep, you know, and still I kept her there, even knowing there was no future for us. So, just let me in. Let me say my piece, and I'll go."
"No. She shouldn't ever have to see you again. Not after things you did to her. Not after using her like you did. You listen and you listen good, Brumby. If you ever lay a hand on her, if you ever abuse her like you did, I will kill you, do you understand that?"
"Are you threatening me?" Mic looked smug for a minute and tried to stand tall, but then his shoulders slumped again. "Hell, you should threaten me."
"I should call the cops. You assaulted her, you bastard!"
Mic paled and Harm took satisfaction in the other man's look of fear. "Look, mate. I never…I never raped her if that's what you're implying." The Aussie was obviously trying to appear unaffected, but he didn't fool Harm.
"Maybe not this week," continued Harm. "But it would have come to that, wouldn't it, Brumby. Eventually she would have said no, and that wouldn't be enough for you to stop."
"That's bull, Rabb. I would have…look, dammit. I'm here to apologize. I told you to let me talk to her, and then I'll go.
"No fucking way, Mi—"
"Let him talk, Harm."
Mac stepped up to them and put her hand on Harm's shoulder. He'd been so focused on Mic that he hadn't heard her come out into the hall. "Please."
"Mac, I don't want him to hurt you," he responded, not loosening his hold on Mic in the slightest.
"He won't." Mac gazed hard into Mic's eyes and the man shook his head.
"I won't, Rabb. I promise."
Harm let Mic go, but not before shoving him into the wall again. "Your promises don't mean much, Brumby, but okay."
The three of them stepped inside Harm's apartment, Harm wrapping his arm protectively around Mac's shoulders.
"All right, Brumby. Say what you have to say."
"This is private matter, Rabb."
Mac spoke up then. "Mic, I would prefer Harm stay. Whatever you have to say to me, you can say to him." Her voice was firm, but Harm felt the tremble in her slight form.
"Fine then, luv." Mac stiffened at that. Mic had lost any right to call her that, and Mic knew it.
"Sorry," he said, his eyes downcast.
"Okay, Mic."
"Okay." Mic glanced over at Harm, glaring briefly at him before turning back to Mac. "Sarah, I am so sorry about everything, about hurting you at the party and—and after. I was angry and hurt, but that's no excuse. I—I didn't mean to keep you at your apartment; I would have let you go."
"It didn't feel like that, Mic."
Mic dipped his head, his expression contrite. "I would have, but I understand why you felt that way. I've been pushy, dismissive, and—"
"Manipulative?" Harm broke in, and Mac laid her hand on his chest and shook his head. Let him speak, was her unspoken message.
"No…yes, yes, I was. Look, I'm going back to Australia. I've cleared my stuff out of your place. Mic snorted. "It wasn't as much as you would think. I've already shipped it back to Sydney and I'll be leaving tonight."
Harm was not just a little surprised. He hadn't expected this of Brumby, and suspicion filled his being. "Brumby—"
Mic held up his hand. "I know, Rabb, you didn't expect me to give up this easy, but I am. Sarah doesn't want me. I don't think she ever did."
Mac gasped. "Mic, that's not—"
"It's okay, Sarah. I always knew I was your second choice, but I thought maybe…well, that's not important now. I knew you would run to Rabb at the first opportunity. Even if things hadn't happened the way they did, I always knew you'd go to him first with any problem, any question, but I stupidly held on."
Mic directed his next words to Harm. "She loves you, mate. And you love her. René and I never stood a chance, and you two are assholes for leading us on like you did."
Apparently, Mic had a death wish. Harm started to move toward the other man, but Mac held him back. "Mic, I'm sorry. I can't speak for Harm and René, but I never meant to hurt you, and I never meant to lead you on. I'm sorry you saw the kiss—"
"But you aren't sorry about the kiss itself, are you."
"I…I am, just not as much as I should be." Harm's eyes widened at Mac's admission. It warmed him and he immediately felt intense guilt. He hated that a kiss he'd never regret caused Mac pain at Mic's hand.
"Mic," Mac continued. "I wish I'd been stronger, strong enough to make you listen to me, strong enough to have told you my feelings before things got this far. I should have been, and I blame myself for that."
"Mac, don't."
"It's okay, Harm. No one here is without blame. We're all at fault in some way." She turned back toward Brumby. "Thank you for your apology, Mic." Harm was shocked, thinking Mac couldn't have possibly been sincere, but her expression held no trace of sarcasm or irony.
"Can you forgive me, Sarah?" Mic asked, pathetic and hopeful at the same time.
Mac bit her lip and leaned into Harm for some much-needed strength. "Someday, Mic, I'll be able to, after some time and distance."
"Well, you'll have that. It's time for me to go, Sarah. Thank you for hearing me out."
"You're welcome, Mic. Take care of yourself."
"You too. Goodbye Rabb."
Harm nodded as Mic turned back to Mac. "Goodbye, beautiful."
And with that, Mic walked out the door and out of their lives.
Harm locked the door behind Mic, then turned toward Mac. He'd expected tears, relief, or even anger, but Mac's expression was blank. He called her name a few times, then finally came up to her and rested his hands on her shoulders. "Mac, sweetie. He's gone. It's okay now."
"What?" she murmured absently.
"He's gone, Mac. Mic's gone."
"I know, Harm."
"Mac, are you okay."
"Yeah, I…I am."
"Mac?"
"No, Harm. No, I'm not."
He pulled her into his arms.
"Mac, did you want something to eat?" The two had made their way to the couch an hour ago, Harm still holding Mac close.
Mac shook her head. "No, not now." She yawned and snuggled closer to him.
"You want to sleep for a little bit?"
"Harm, I'm okay. If you're good with it, I'd like to just sit here with you for a while."
Harm smiled and stroked her hair. "Of course, I'm good with it." Harm kissed the crown of her head and she closed her eyes. For the next several minutes he ran his fingers through her hair, rubbed her shoulder, and just held her. Her body was relaxed against his, and Harm was sure she'd fallen asleep. He was surprised when her soft, pained voice reached his ears.
"Harm? What's wrong with me?"
"Mac, nothing's wrong with you. Why would you say that?"
"Harm, I let him…I let Mic…my god, Harm. He was so—so, he never, god, I can't even find the words."
"It's okay, Mac."
"No, it isn't. Harm, how did I let him force his way into my life? No, I can't even say he forced his way in. I let him in, even when his assumptions drove me crazy, even when he ignored my opinions. I hated his plans for the wedding, but he wanted it that way, so I gave in. Sometimes I didn't want to…you know…but I let him…"
After the events of the last couple of days, Harm knew he had to voice the question that had been eating at him despite what Mic had told him. "Mac? When you say you let him…did he—did he ever…force himself on you?"
Mac didn't answer for a long time, and when Harm turned her face so he could look at her, tears were dripping down her cheeks. "Mac?" He was fully prepared now to hunt Mic Brumby down and kill him.
Mac finally shook her head. "No, no he didn't, but I…I dreamt several times that he did, and during this last week—Harm? Mic never raped me, but I think he was perfectly capable of it." Mac gave into her tears, and eventually Harm pulled her into his lap. She buried her face in his neck and fisted her hands in his shirt, while he stroked her back and whispered calming words into her hair.
As they sat there, they both dozed and though Harm was tired too, he was inordinately happy when Mac woke him and demanded food. He was pleased when she ate a small but complete meal, and after she helped him with the kitchen cleanup, they adjourned to the sofa once again. Harm made some hot chocolate, knowing Mac found it comforting no matter what time of year it was, and then the two sat sipping from their mugs companionably.
"Harm?" Mac eventually asked, setting her empty mug on the coffee table. "Can we talk about the kiss?"
Harm shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Sure, Mac," he answered reluctantly, setting his own mug next to hers.
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, Mac, for what?"
"For kissing you. For kissing you ten feet from my fiancé and your girlfriend. He said he could smell you on me. You know, the next morning I found my dress ripped in half."
"Well, since I kissed you ten feet from your fiancé and my ex-girlfriend, I guess I should be sorry too."
Mac shook her head. "Don't be sorry, Harm—wait, did you say ex-girlfriend?"
"I did, Mac. René and I broke up."
"When?"
"In the car after we left your party. She, uh, said she could smell you on me too."
Mac gasped. "Oh, Harm. I'm so sorry. I didn't want…I'm so sorry!"
Harm took a deep breath. Part of him knew it wasn't the time to admit this but waiting to tell her hadn't done them any good either. "I, uh, I'm not sorry, Mac. Not about the kiss, and not about breaking up with René."
"You're not?" she whispered.
"No, Mac. You know, Mic was right again tonight. He said I loved you."
"What?"
"He said I loved you, and I do." Harm held his breath, waiting for her to say, well, anything.
"Harm—"
"I know, Mac. I know it's really not the right time, but I didn't want to go another day without telling you how I feel. Not after everything that's happened this week."
"Oh, I don't…I don't know what—"
"Shh, Mac. You don't have to say anything."
"I just—"
"Mac, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm not sorry I told you, but I know it's too soon and I know there are so many things we need to talk about."
"Harm, it's just—there's so much going on. I-I have a wedding to cancel, and I need work through a few things."
"What kind of things?"
"Well, for starters…I need to figure out why I let Mic get away with so much. He didn't listen to me, Harm. He didn't care about my my feelings, and I don't understand how I could have let him do that. I thought I was strong, Harm, and now look at me. I let Mic swallow me up, and now we're here and it's all my fault."
Harm's heart hurt for the woman in his arms. "You are strong, Mac, and it's not all your fault. You know, we've been talking a lot about blame today. It's your fault, my fault, Mic's fault. Maybe it's no one's fault. Maybe no one is to blame. Things just happen."
"I don't know, Harm."
He kissed her hair. "Well, I do, Mac…or I don't, but all we can do is move forward from here, right?"
"Right."
"Now, Mac. I think you should stay here for a couple more days, at least until we're sure Mic is gone. I can go over to your apartment later and get you some of your things."
"Harm, I appreciate that, but I'm sure I'll be fine." Despite her words, he picked up on the tiny hint of uncertainty in her voice.
"Oh, I'm sure you will, but humor me, Mac. I'll worry too much otherwise." Please agree, Mac.
Mac bit her lip and looked away from him for a moment. "You wouldn't mind if I stayed here?"
"Not at all."
Mac took a deep breath. "Okay, Harm. I will. I'll stay."
Harm flashed her his full-on flyboy grin. "Wonderful."
Mac dropped her head on his shoulder and squeezed him tightly. "Yeah, it is."
Two weeks later…
Harm sat at his desk, staring at his computer monitor but not having any idea of what was actually on the screen. Mac had requested a meeting with Admiral Chegwidden after morning staff call, and Harm had a sinking feeling. Somehow, he knew he wouldn't like any of the results of that meeting. He was afraid Mac was requesting a transfer.
Things hadn't been exactly strained between the two of them, but the departure of Mic and René hadn't yet restored the easy relationship they'd once had. Mac did stay with him for two more nights and they did share his bed, and though he would have liked to cuddle her close, it was obvious she needed space. For a while, Harm feared he'd made a huge mistake in telling her he loved her, but then decided he didn't care. He wanted her to know, whether she returned his feelings or not. He suspected she did, but he wasn't going to push it. It was still most definitely not the right time for that. For now, he would be satisfied just being her friend.
Growing more and more impatient, Harm kept his eye on the admiral's office, waiting for Mac to emerge. There was no way he'd be able to focus on anything until then.
Twenty minutes later, Harm slapped his hand on his desk in frustration. Mac had now been with the admiral for nearly forty minutes, and though he didn't understand why, it was making him crazy. Slapping his desk again, Harm cursed as one of his files slid onto the floor. He bent to retrieve it, and when he rose up, he was startled by the beautiful woman standing in his doorway.
"Hey, sailor."
"Hey, ah, yourself."
"Harm, I need to talk to you about something."
Harm's heart sank. "Okay. Am I—am I going to like this?"
Mac stepped in and closed his door before flipping his blinds down. "I guess I don't know."
Harm nodded to a visitor's chair. "Well, have a seat, Mac, and tell me what's going on." He was damn sure he wouldn't like where this was heading, and no guesswork was involved.
Mac sat down but spent the next several heartbeats wringing her hands in her lap until Harm stood and came around his desk. He sat next to her and took one of her hands in his, giving it an encouraging squeeze. "Tell me, Mac."
"Okay, Harm. I talked to Admiral Chegwidden today." Harm nodded. Everyone at the meeting this morning knew that. "But then you already knew that." She flashed him a sheepish grin.
"Yeah, I did, Mac. You, uh, seem nervous."
"I, ah, I am. Harm? I'm leaving."
Harm dropped her hand. He felt sick.
"Not forever, I mean, I'm not transferring or anything…I'm just going out to the Guadalcanal for a couple of months."
There was a whooshing sound in Harm's ears. Mac was leaving him.
"Harm? Say something."
"What?"
"Harm, did you hear me? I said I'm—"
"Leaving. Yeah, I heard. Why, Mac?" He willed his heart to calm.
"Harm, I need to get away. Just for a while. Everybody's talking about me and Mic, wondering what happened. Harriet contacted most everyone and told them the wedding was off, but even she doesn't have all the details. And now, all I hear are whispers, Harm. I-I can't take it anymore. So, I asked the admiral to send me somewhere."
"When?" Harm gulped.
Mac took a deep breath. "Tonight. I leave at 2200."
"Oh."
"I'm coming back, Harm."
"What?"
"I said, I'm coming back."
"Oh."
"Well, I guess I'll leave you be." Mac started to stand, but Harm's hand caught hers. "Wait, Mac. You're coming back? This—this isn't a permanent thing?"
Mac shook her head. "No. No it isn't."
"Thank God," he breathed, standing the both of them up. He pulled her tightly against him, not caring that they were in uniform. "I'm going to miss you, though," he whispered after a minute of just holding her.
"I'm going to miss you too, Harm. And Harm…one more thing before I go."
"Yeah?"
"Mic was right."
Harm grimaced at the mention of Mac's former fiancé. "What was he right about?"
"That I love you, Harm."
"Oh, Mac…"
"I always have, Harm."
"I love you too, Mac."
Moving as one, their lips met for the first time since that stolen kiss on the admiral's porch. The kiss was gentle and full of promise, and it would have to sustain them in the coming weeks.
When they broke apart, Mac's tear-filled eyes looked up into his. "When I get back, Harm, I'd really like to talk. About us. I think I'll be ready then."
"That sounds great, Mac. I love you, Ninja Girl."
"I love you too, Flyboy."
Mac moved out of his arms and rested her hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye, Harm."
"Goodbye, Mac. I'm going to miss you, you know."
"I know. I'm going to miss you too."
The two stared at each other for several heartbeats and then Mac pulled open his door. "Goodbye, Harm. I love you." She quickly stepped out into the bullpen and shut his door again.
"I love you too, Mac," he said to his empty office.
Three months later…
Harm tossed aside the book he'd been trying to read for the last hour. Over the last month, a feeling of melancholy had settled upon him. Mac was supposed to be gone only six weeks, then two months, but it had stretched into four. Harm was terrified they'd extend it even longer. He was already going to have to wait another month to see her. He didn't think he'd survive if he had to wait even longer.
The two had been sending emails back and forth and he'd even talked to her a couple of times on the phone. The emails were long and affectionate, and each one of them ended with an 'I love you.' He lived for those emails, but his joy in them was waning. He missed her voice. He missed her smile. He missed her.
Harm closed his eyes and laid back on his couch, deciding he'd take a rare nap to pass some time. He was just drifting off when a knock came at his door. "Dammit," he muttered, pushing himself up from the sofa. He walked slowly toward the door, not caring to hurry for his unwelcome visitor. Without checking the peephole, he pulled open the door.
"Hey, Flyboy."
"Mac?"
"It's me." She grinned up at him and he touched her cheek, still afraid she was a figment of his imagination.
"I'm really here, Harm."
"Are you—are you okay?"
"I am, Harm, and I-I'm ready to talk. About us."
"Okay. Um, come in. I'll get us some water, or—or something." He stepped away from her, but she reached out an pulled him back.
"Wait, Harm. First things first." Mac wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips against his. "Let's talk," she said into his mouth.
"Yes, let's."
And then he did just that. She spoke of how her time on the Guadalcanal had helped clear her mind, how she had time for some much-needed introspection. He told her of his regrets in how he'd handled their time in Sydney, how he wished he'd been up front with her, and how their time apart had allowed him some needed introspection as well. They talked and talked some more, they kissed, and they loved, and by the time the leaves were falling off the trees, they'd agreed to spend the rest of their lives together. By the time the leaves were budding once again, they were married, and by the time those leaves turned red, orange, and yellow, they had welcomed their little girl.
Love and happiness reigned.
End