Chapter 188

"…music?" Lorelai asked.

"Sure," Jess shrugged. Lorelai turned on the radio, which immediately started to play Top 40. They both cringed simultaneously.

"Sookie borrowed my car last night," Lorelai explained apologetically. Jess looked amused.

"You that worried I'll think that's your taste in music?"

"Terrified."

"…smart woman." They shared a smile as she continued to drive.

About half an hour later, Jess looked at Lorelai quizzically.

"You brought me to Hartford?" he said, gesturing to the exit as they got off the highway.

"Sometimes it's nice to get out of town. Even if it's to Hartford. I find, anyway," she shrugged. He nodded, brow furrowed. They continued driving. Eventually, they pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant.

"Hungry?"

"I could eat," Jess shrugged, finally remembering that neither of them had gotten breakfast. Come to think of it, he wasn't sure Lorelai had even received more than one cup of coffee.

"Good. This place isn't half bad," Lorelai nodded, opening the door and getting out of the Jeep. Jess followed her.

They'd arrived at a brewery. It looked casual, cozy and pretty much like what you'd expect. He followed Lorelai inside.

"Hi, Lorelai!" the hostess greeted her in a friendly, familiar tone. Jess looked at Lorelai, surprised. She was blushing.

"Hi, Margot. 2 of us? My son in law's joining me today." Jess registered that, but didn't react.

"Sure!" Margot said cheerfully, grabbing a couple menus, "Follow me. Your table's open."

"Thanks," Lorelai said gratefully, as they followed her to their seats.

"I'll come back in a minute to see about drinks," Margot smiled before walking away. Jess turned to Lorelai, his eyebrows raised.

"They know you here."

"I've been a couple times."

"How many is a couple?"

"Well, I didn't decide to run inns because I was good at math," Lorelai replied evasively. Jess smirked.

"Fair enough," he shrugged, opening his menu, "What's good here?"

"Everything. But the burgers are fantastic. Don't tell Luke."

"Hey, your unfaithfulness to his burgers is your business."

"And we're gonna keep it that way."

"More likely now that you're bribing me with hypothetically great burgers,' Jess agreed. He looked at Lorelai again. "So he hasn't been here?"

"Nobody has, actually," Lorelai replied, looking down.

"Sookie?"

"Nope."

"Rory?"

"Nope."

"…why'd you bring me, then?"

"It's where I go when I need some space. So I'm trusting you not to ruin that for me," Lorelai joked, smiling at him. He nodded, returning her smile. "Plus, I figured you could probably use some."

"So you didn't take me here to interrogate me? Or try to get me to come around?"

"Not in the slightest," Lorelai said, her tone making clear that she wasn't offended in the least by the question. "If anything, I wanted to help you get some space and some air. From anybody else who might be asking. I thought that was probably clear from cutting Luke off and hustling you away from Rory."

Jess looked at her thoughtfully, raising the water glass to his mouth. Still trembling. Barely noticeable now, though Lorelai still noticed.

"…it was. I still don't get why. You didn't have to do that," Jess pointed out. He tried to keep his tone level.

No one had ever stood up for him in that way, except maybe Luke. Even so, Liz was Luke's weak spot, and no one had ever really been there to disagree or to defend him, from the time he was a child to now. Luke had been there for him in every way, that was inarguable. Luke got him out of there, gave him a home, and honestly, gave him a family. Those were invaluable things, and he loved Luke more than he could possibly describe.

All that said, Liz was a hard point for him and Luke. Luke clearly knew she wasn't a model parent, and in terms of his actions, always did every possible thing to give him a new, different, better life than the one he knew Liz had him stuck in. But for all that, Luke was defensive of Liz. He was especially defensive of her now, with Jess being an adult, and with Liz having theoretically "gotten her life together". Jess wasn't sure how much he bought that she had, but it really didn't matter much to him either way. He'd made his peace a long time ago with not relying on Liz for anything. When he was younger, anything included a safe home, reliable food and shelter, care, help with homework, a nonabusive environment. As he'd matured, it had altered to include expecting to have any relationship at all with her, any cordiality, any dependability, and any hope of her turning over "a new leaf". He'd gone through enough periods of false hope being dashed to give any credence to things like that anymore.

Luke saw it differently. He believed Liz had turned things around, at least, from his perspective, and therefore thought that Jess should give her a second chance, make peace, and just generally smooth things. It would be the mature thing to do, Luke thought, and he knew how much Jess had matured.

But Jess didn't want to do the mature thing. He didn't want to suggest, imply or extend any forgiveness he didn't feel. He didn't think he should have to. In his eyes, Liz was the one who had messed up, who had failed as a parent. If she'd gotten her life together? Fine, great for her, not that he was buying it. But it didn't make a damn bit of difference to the fact that he'd never had a mother he could rely on, and it didn't undo any of the harm she'd done to him. In Jess' eyes, he didn't owe her anything. The decent courtesy he extended to her normally was just that, a courtesy. He knew it was something that Luke just didn't understand.

He hadn't expected that Lorelai might. Jess knew that Lorelai and her parents didn't always see eye to eye, and that the relationship was complicated, but he'd certainly never thought of it in comparison to his own family dynamics. He knew the Gilmores- they were unpleasant at times, sure, maybe judgmental or unkind- he could certainly see them acting that way when their sixteen year old daughter had gotten pregnant- but never abusive. And although Jess now had quite a few positives that came to mind with the idea of Lorelai Gilmore, a firm grasp on and appreciation of boundaries hadn't been one of them.

It flummoxed him why she'd have his back like that, why she'd go to bat with Luke for him about it, and how she'd known exactly what he'd needed and made sure it's what he got. It didn't make any sense to him. She didn't owe him anything. But she'd done it. It felt almost…maternal. Jess tried to push that thought away, feeling his own immediate discomfort and unease about the idea. It didn't go very far. He turned back to Lorelai, coming out of his reverie, and waiting for her to answer his earlier question.

"…because you don't owe her anything. She wronged you. You're not the one who should have to change anything. You created limits and drew lines to protect yourself, which was the right thing to do. You shouldn't be the one who has to change for those to move. And even then, they should only move if and when you decide you want them to. You were the kid. She was the adult. She fucked up. From my perspective, you get to call the shots on what your relationship with her looks like, should you choose to have one."

"Luke thinks I should forgive her."

"I disagree."

"You think I shouldn't?"

"I think you should do what you want to do. If you decide one day to forgive her, because you want to, then that's great. If you decide not to, equally fine. But that's your choice to make and nobody gets to make it but you. Liz gave up the right to any say when she chose not to parent you." Lorelai looked at him firmly. He raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you liked her."

"I like her fine, as a person. As a peer. As a mother, I have my opinions. But again, mine don't matter either. But I'm sorry if that came out too harsh."

"It didn't. I've just…never heard anyone say it," Jess admitted. Lorelai raised her eyebrows.

"Not even Rory?"

"We don't talk about it much. We have. But not much, and not in a long time. It's not something I like to talk about. Not a lot of people get it."

"Not a lot of people should," Lorelai said, "And it's not like I do completely either. My parents were assholes sometimes. But they were never…"

"Yeah."

"…that said, I am someone with pretty firm ideas of what being a parent should entail, and what kids do and don't owe to those parents. And I've said my piece. Like I said earlier, we don't have to talk about it at all."

"When do you come here?" Jess asked, changing the subject. Lorelai looked around, a faint smile on her face.

"I've actually been coming here since high school," Lorelai admitted, "When my parents' house felt too crushing and I felt trapped, I'd come here. The servers were nice, they left me alone, and once in a while the bartender would give me a rum and coke. I knew my parents would never come here, and none of their friends would, so it was a good place to hide out. When Rory was really little and we didn't have money, I came probably once a year, for the lunch special. Just because it meant something to me, you know? I never brought anybody though. It was an escape, I guess. There were a couple years where I didn't really go…I went once or twice when Rory was in high school and I was taking business classes at the college down the street. I stopped around when we opened the Dragonfly, and I didn't come much for a bit. When I was married the first time, I came back once, after a big fight. Just because I needed to get away. I needed some space, to take a breath. I started coming more and more after that. I probably get out here at least once a month, usually just when things feel like too much, and I need some time to myself."

"…I didn't take you for a person who needed much time to yourself."

"…I don't advertise it," Lorelai smirked, earning a small chuckle from Jess, "And I'll make you live to regret it if you tell anyone."

"My lips are sealed. You…you didn't have to bring me here. But I promise, I won't tell. Thanks for trusting me with it, I guess, is what I'm getting at," Jess stumbled. Lorelai smiled.

"…my haunt is your haunt. I know it's not local, but…you need it too. It's helped me. Maybe you'll find something closer to you that does it, but whenever you're here, you're welcome to borrow mine."

"Thanks. I might just take you up on that."