esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

early february, 89 add.

night.

By the time he made it home, the reality of what had just happened was starting to sink in. He shut the door behind him and slumped against it, his heart hammering in his chest.

It was a setup.

(But he kissed me.)

Has he been lying this whole time?

(He kissed me.)

Was it all for his fucking father?

(I didn't want it to stop.)

What if they planned it together this entire time?

(I wish he would do it again.)

Everyone's gonna see that picture by tomorrow.

(Did he like it?)

I fucking hate him.

He ran his hands through his hair, his face hot. Part of him wanted to laugh at how fucking absurd this all was, and part of him was still stunned, and another part thought he might cry.

(How could he have been so stupid? Esper should have seen this coming- after all, wasn't he known for strategy, for tactics, for fucking over everyone else? Wasn't he known for the type of shit Townes had just pulled? No wonder he was humiliated- he'd let his guard down, and look at what had happened.)

(But he'd been in the Games then. And he hadn't thought he and Townes were playing that kind of game. Clearly, he'd been wrong. And Esper Myrellis-Verilla did not like to be wrong.)

In the end, that last part won out, because at the center of it all was hurt. He was hurt.

For a moment, he'd really thought…

His eyes started to burn, and he took off his coat and winter boots hurriedly, hoping to make a clean getaway. He reached to lift his backpack again.

"Esper?" Rhylee called from within the house. "Is that you?"

Esper didn't respond.

"Esper?"

"Yeah," Esper replied, wincing as his voice cracked. "Let me, um, put my bag upstairs-"

Rhylee rounded the corner. "I just wanted to ask if-" She stopped, spotting the look on his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine-" He started moving towards the stairs.

"Wait, hold on-"

"I said I'm fine!"

"Just stop for a second-"

"What?" he asked, his tone harsher than he meant it to be, his eyes still burning. He whipped around to face her, gritting his teeth. "What is it?"

"You looked upset!"

"I'm not."

"Okay," Rhylee said quickly. "I just- I haven't seen you all day. Can I give you a hug?"

Esper hesitated. "I… yeah. Okay."

Rhylee wrapped her arms around him, tucking her chin under his head and holding him tightly. The intensity of it loosened his resolve, and before he could register what was happening, his eyes had flooded over, and his chest was heaving. He might have collapsed in on himself, but Rhylee was there.

(Some distant piece of himself registered that he was glad he hadn't turned her away like he always tried to. She had always tried to be there for him. With his little sister in his arms that night, he suddenly wondered why he hadn't let her.)

Once he'd started to calm down a bit, she pulled away enough to look at him. "Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked, her eyes soft.

"Not really."

"That's okay," she said, and she hugged him again.

He hugged her back, and he was glad she was there.

townes zamoras. 18.

the next morning.

The next day, Esper sat in the back row in every class. He arrived at the last minute and left immediately, and Townes never managed to catch him. It was killing him, because he had so much to say. He always did, but not like this. He didn't even manage to catch Esper's eye once- every time he glanced back, Esper's head was down, steadily avoiding him.

By the time their last class ended, he was more miserable than ever. He didn't bother with his usual wandering. Every place he'd been recently- the library, the coffee place, Esper's house- he associated with him, and with a lonely weekend ahead, Esper was the last person he wanted to think about.

(Except he did want to think about him. When his mind drifted, he found himself replaying that moment, over and over, the precious seconds he'd won before his own mistake bit him in the ass. He'd had it! He was right there, and it was wonderful, and now Townes knew exactly what he was missing out on.

He was right there, and now he was gone.)

So he went home.

To his surprise, he found his father in the sitting room, reading glasses perched on his nose.

Townes stopped in his tracks as his father looked over at him. "Townes!"

"Hello," Townes replied, cautious. "I didn't think you would be here."

"I was at the office until eight this morning. I just woke up, and was about to go back," his father replied, "until I found this." He brandished a magazine in Townes' direction.

"What's that?"

"Take it." His father handed it to him, Townes' eyes widening as he took in the photograph splashed across the front page.

(He had his arms around Esper's waist, pulling him flush against him, and Esper's hand was on his neck, brushing the bottom of his hairline. Both their eyes were closed, oblivious to the cameraperson. The fading light swept them in shadow, but not so much that it wasn't clearly them. Townes' heart sank as he noted that it was taken from Esper's left side.

It was a beautiful photograph, honestly.

But with it plastered on the front page of a magazine, Townes could not help but feel violated.)

(And he didn't want to think too hard about what Esper- someone who had already been repeatedly violated and shoved into the limelight and broken by it- was feeling, either.)

"Why the long face?"

Townes glanced up. "What do you mean?"

"This," his father said, jabbing his finger at the photograph, "is the smartest move you've made in years."

"...What?"

"The timing couldn't be better," his father answered. "The day after the Stelvio bullshit, you come in and distract! You change the subject! You make a bigger spectacle that keeps people talking!"

"Spectacle?"

"Have you not seen them yet?" he asked. "These things are everywhere! Takes the heat right off all that election bullshit!"

"I hadn't seen it yet," Townes said. "This happened yesterday."

"Well, it's fucking perfect," his father replied. "Now you're finally getting it! This is the type of shit I want to see!"

"Oh."

"Associating the Victor with us, on a whole new level…"

Townes swallowed. "Aren't there people who, uh… won't like that?"

His father raised an eyebrow. "In what way?"

"Because of the stuff he did? In the Games?"

His father took off his reading glasses and set them on the coffee table. "I don't care," he replied. "If anyone has a problem with it, we can point them to the year of extra supplies we've been enjoying."

"I… okay."

"This is good shit," his father said. "More of this. We need to lean into this. How soon can we get more of this?"

"I, um… not for a while."

"Why not?"

"We had, um, a disagreement?"

"Resolve it."

"I'm trying," Townes said. "I just… I'm trying not to ruin everything."

(He was afraid he already had.)

"It doesn't have to be the same thing," his father said. "Just being seen together is gold."

"I'm just saying I can't guarantee anything right now," he said.

"Well," his father said, "you finally did something right. Keep it going." He checked his watch. "I have to go. If there's anything you need to continue this-" he gestured at the tabloid- "call my assistant."

Before Townes could reply, his father breezed by him, disappearing into the house. He'd left the tabloid on the table, and Townes picked it up, staring at the cover. He took a moment to flip through it- the longest article was about them. Some of the other pictures- of Esper pulling back, of Townes alone on the sidewalk- accompanied it alongside pictures from the last six months, providing more content for the article. Townes skimmed the article, his chest tight.

This was what his father wanted more of?

He lingered on one photo- the one of Esper having just broken away, his eyes wide with shock. Even in that split second, Townes could see the hurt. He could see Esper putting the pieces together in the shot as horror started to set in.

How had he fucked up that badly?

And how could he fix it?

(He didn't care about his father's opinion here half as much as Esper's. He wanted to explain, to apologize- but he'd let Esper go in that moment, and he hadn't been able to catch him since. He wanted a chance so badly, but he couldn't make Esper give him that chance. And he didn't want to cross a line- not after last week- and make him uncomfortable and make things worse. He always made things worse, didn't he?

And he wouldn't see him until Monday.

So at least until then, he would give it time, wait for his chance, and hope for the best.)

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

february, 89 add.

afternoon.

He could tell as soon as she got home from school that Rhylee knew what had happened. It was the way her smile faded as soon as she saw him that tipped him off.

"Hi."

"Hi," he replied, flipping to a new page. He'd been trying to read for the last hour, Bullet snoozing on a pillow nearby, but unlike his cat, he couldn't relax. He was fifty pages in, and he couldn't remember a single thing that had happened.

"How are you?" she asked.

He glanced up. "Fine."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"I just, um… I saw some stuff today at school…"

"It's fine."

"It didn't seem fine."

"Well, it is."

"Okay," Rhylee said. "I just… I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" he asked, closing his book.

"That it happened," she answered.

"You didn't do anything."

"I know. Not that I know what's going on with you guys, but like… I wouldn't like it if that kind of picture was taken of me. And you're already dealing with enough."

Esper sighed. "I, um, I appreciate that."

"Of course." She hesitated. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"No."

"You haven't?"

"There's no reason to," Esper said. "He knows exactly what happened, because he- he set the whole thing up."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you remember how I told you about the thing where he would tell photographers where we'd be?"

"Oh… yeah, I do."

"Yeah. That."

"He set it up?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes," Esper repeated.

"Wow."

"Why 'wow?'"

"I just… you know. We've met him a couple times. I didn't think he would do that."

"He's done it a dozen times."

"But not like that," she said. "I don't know."

"What are you saying?"

She gave him a look. "Really?"

"What?"

"I saw the picture, okay? It didn't look… fake."

"Well, it was."

"And I saw you guys all those times he was over here."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on," she said. "I'm not stupid."

"I didn't say you were."

"Esper."

"Rhylee."

"You even let him stay the night last week!"

"That was different."

"Not like that," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Like, with your whole sleeping thing, people never stay over. Ever. Except for him."

"He needed a place to stay. We had extra rooms," he said, gesturing with his book. "Problem solved."

"You would've kicked him out if you wanted to."

"Rhylee…"

"I'm just saying- I thought it was obvious the whole time. So this whole thing sucks, and I'm sorry it happened, but… like… I'm not really surprised."

Esper stared at her, narrowing his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You've been thinking about this for a while, huh?"

"Um… maybe?"

He shook his head at her. "Rhylee."

She started to smile at him. "What?"

"You're such a snoop."

"No I'm not!"

"Then what's all this?"

"It's me trying to pay attention!" she replied. "And be there!"

"You are!"

"Sometimes I wish you would talk to me more!"

"Well, sometimes I don't know what to say!"

"So you say nothing?"

"I don't know!"

"Maybe that just makes us worry more!"

"I told you not to worry about me!"

"It didn't work," Rhylee said. "You're allowed to worry about me but I can't worry about you?"

"Yes."

"That's stupid."

"You're calling me stupid?"

"Not you, that idea," she clarified. "You're pretty easy to worry about."

"No, I'm not."

"You are!" she said.

"I'm not trying to be."

"I just…" She struggled for a moment, her mouth twisting into a frown. "I love you, okay?"

"I love you too."

"That's what I'm trying to say."

"I know. It's okay."

She crossed the room with a sigh and plopped next to him on the couch, leaning against his shoulder. "This stinks."

"It does."

"I was thinking we could pull out some of the games tonight," she said, "if you want to."

"That sounds nice."

"But before we stop talking about it…" she trailed.

"What?"

"Was he a good kisser?"

Esper pulled away from her so fast that she nearly toppled over. "Rhylee!"

"I'm just asking!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"What?"

"He's the last person I want to be thinking about right now!"

"But you're not saying no."

"I'm not saying yes."

"Was that the first time you guys kissed?"

"I swear-"

"I'm done!" she announced, throwing her hands in the air. "I won't talk about it anymore!"

"You better not," Esper threatened, suddenly very aware that his sister was a fourteen-year-old girl and that he possibly should have seen this coming.

"I won't," she promised. She leaned into him again, crashing against his arm and knocking him to the side. He groaned, exasperated, and she giggled, reaching over and hugging him again.

(Never mind that his answer would have been yes.)

The weekend passed, and Esper spent it trying not to think about that night. He focused on his classwork, and playing board games with his siblings, and forcing himself to take his medication, and staying away from public places. Most of those things, he did very successfully.

(At night, he couldn't help but let his thoughts wander.)

(Townes had taken it too fucking far. For a second, Esper had thought… but no. Townes Zamoras had proven himself to be exactly who Esper had expected back in August. He'd walked into Esper's life and disrupted it at every turn, as if it hadn't been disrupted enough already- and even worse, Esper had let him. Rhylee was right. Esper could've turned Townes away so many times. He just hadn't wanted to. Maybe if he had wanted to, he wouldn't have felt like this.)

(He wouldn't have felt… robbed. He wouldn't have felt like he finally had something, within his grasp, all for himself. He wouldn't have felt like maybe there was something worth seeing in him, that maybe he could be loved for not just who he was before but who he was now, that he could have something the world wouldn't seek to ruin.

He wouldn't have felt there was a chance.)

(He just… he'd been so tired. He still was. He was tired of lying and being lied to. He was done with mind games. He was tired of the horrors of his dreams and the bitter pill he had to swallow to keep them at bay, which still only worked some of the time.)

(How many times did Esper have to crash and burn before he learned his lesson?)

(How many times could he take?)

(He'd had his moment. He knew the feeling of Townes' lips on his, of his hands on Townes' skin; that was all he was getting, and it was enough.)

(He was done giving himself away. He'd betrayed and maimed and killed and dreamed and… and… and that was enough. They didn't get to have any more of him.)

(Least of all the boy who'd broken his heart.)

(the next week.)

When class started back up at the beginning of the next week, Esper remained in the back row. He ignored the murmurs of his classmates and the back of Townes' head and took the best notes he'd ever taken, and when that was done, he left. He knew there was some merit to the argument that he shouldn't have hid- why give Townes the satisfaction?- but staying away from Townes kept Esper from getting used. That way, he could cut him off properly, and take back what Townes had wanted from him in the first place: attention.

But after class on Thursday, he got held up.

"Hi. Sorry to bother you- could I ask you something?"

Esper flipped his notebook shut, sparing a glance at the girl who sat two seats down from him. "What?"

"Sorry," she apologized again. She wore her long black hair in a single braid, and her desk was covered in a rainbow of highlighters. "I'm Kiya. You're Esper, right?"

"Yes."

"Nice to meet you," she said. "Sorry- I'll try to make this quick. Someone reached out to me saying they were a reporter, and they wanted statements from me, um, about you. Because we have classes together. We had one together last semester, too, but I don't know if you remember."

He raised his eyebrows. "What did you say?"

"I told him I'd get back to him," she said.

"Oh, okay."

"I wanted to make sure it was okay with you first," Kiya said. "It seemed rude not to."

"I'm sure plenty of people have already told them stuff," he said. "It's fine."

"Maybe, but…" she trailed. "Is there something I should say? Or not say? Or try to debunk?"

The rows around them had emptied. "I… oh."

"It's okay if you don't know right now," she said. "I think we have a lecture together tomorrow, if you want to think about it. I would just feel bad talking about you, I think."

He sighed. "That's honestly nice of you," he admitted. "I… as long as you're not making stuff up, it's okay with me. See if you can't get some compensation from them, though."

"Compensation?"

"Yeah, sure," he said. "Tell them you're the only classmate I've actually talked to all week. I bet it would convince them."

"Am I really?"

He sighed again. "Yeah."

Kiya nodded. "Okay. I'll do that, then. Thanks."

"No problem."

"It was nice to meet you."

"You, too," he replied. "See you."

"See you. Good luck with the paper, by the way."

"Thanks. You too."

She returned to packing up her rainbow highlighters. Esper slid his notes in his bag and followed her out of the lecture hall. She took a left, disappearing out the door, and he turned to the right, and there-

-he was.

"Esper."

He ignored him, walking further down the hallway.

"Esper! Wait!"

He rolled his eyes and kept walking.

"I need to talk to you!"

Esper spun around, glaring at Townes. "You don't 'need' anything," he replied, letting his tone be scathing. "And I don't give a fuck about what you 'need,' anyway."

Townes walked closer. "We have a partner assignment due tomorrow," he said. "I wouldn't be bothering you otherwise."

"I already did it," Esper told him. "I'll put your name on it."

Townes started to frown. "You know how I feel about-"

"No," Esper interrupted. "No. I'm not going to stand here and listen to you whine about your feelings. Are you fucking kidding me?"

"That's not what I meant," Townes said, his voice quiet.

"Wasn't it?" Esper said. "That's how it's always been with you. It's always all about you. The whole fucking world revolves around Townes Zamoras and what he thinks he needs."

"That's not true," he said.

"Then prove me wrong for once!" Esper said, his voice rising.

"Listen, okay? I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"For what?"

"For last week. I didn't mean for that to happen. I had no idea he was still there- I forgot I even called him in the first place-"

"Bullshit."

"It's not," Townes insisted. "I wouldn't have done that if I knew."

"I'm not stupid," Esper seethed. "I know what happened. Your father's scandal broke, and then that same day, you pull that? Are you serious? You really think I'd believe that wasn't on purpose?"

"It wasn't," Townes said. "I wouldn't do that, not for him. I wouldn't."

"Then what was the reason?" Esper asked, trying to keep his voice from trembling.

"Because I…" Townes trailed. "I…"

"You what?" Esper asked.

"I, um…"

"Just tell the truth," Esper said, his face hot. "You did it for the fucking tabloids. That's what it's always been about for you. Attention. I know you think I'm heartless-" he pointed not at his chest, but at his face, at the scars twisting along his cheek- "but I'm not-" his voice started to shake- "and I never have been, and that… that was fucking awful of you, and I'm not going to stick around and take it."

"I don't think that," Townes said, taking a step closer, his dark eyes serious.

"You do, I know you do," Esper insisted, eyes burning. "You made it clear from the beginning!"

"I didn't mean for anyone to see," Townes said. "That's not how I wanted it to go."

"Why should I believe that?"

"I'm not lying," Townes said.

"I don't believe you."

"I'm not lying."

"You have been this whole time," Esper said, blinking fast.

"I'm not lying."

"You already got what you wanted," Esper said, voice cracking. "Would you fucking leave me alone now?"

Townes took another step closer. "What do you think I wanted?"

"Attention. Approval. I don't fucking know."

Townes tilted his head. "Yeah. I did."

"And now you have it."

"Not from you."

His heart stopped. "You can't have everything you want."

"I only want one thing," he replied, stepping solidly into Esper's personal space. "And I… I really am sorry. I'll keep saying it until you believe it. I'm sorry about the place, and the timing, and the lack of privacy. But…"

"But what?"

"...I'm not sorry I did it," he finished.

Esper took a deep breath. "You mean that."

"I do."

Esper studied him for a long moment, looking for any signs of deception. Townes held his gaze. "You mean it?"

"Yes."

(It was what he was known for, right? Lying. Manipulation.

Maybe he had never seen it coming because it was never there to begin with.)

(Maybe Townes really was that big of an idiot.)

(Maybe Rhylee was right?)

"You're… you're so fucking messy."

"I know."

"You're the worst."

"I know."

"I hate you."

"You've mentioned that." His gaze swept up and down the empty hall before it settled steadily on Esper's. "There's no one here."

"So?"

"So… I can do this better."

Esper still hadn't moved, and as Townes started to close the short distance between them, he thought about it. He really did. It would have been the smart move, and Esper was plenty smart.

But he wanted so badly to believe him.

(And if Townes really could do it better, Esper wasn't opposed to seeing proof.)

"If I see one fucking picture of this, Zamoras," Esper said, his voice soft, "I'm telling every tabloid reporter I can find that you're just as much of a pretentious asshole as your goddamn coffee order implies you are-"

Townes smirked and leaned in, effectively shutting Esper up. He kissed him, draping his arms around his shoulders, and Esper kissed him back, his hands finding their way to the small of Townes' back. And it was better this time, because there was no one to interrupt them after just a few seconds, and Esper could finally appreciate the way his chest felt against his, and that Townes was a good kisser, a confident one, and he liked that- he liked this, he'd wanted this, and it was a relief to be able to admit that-

-and then he pulled away, a teasing glint in his eye.

(Not a camera to be seen.)

"Told you," Townes smirked. "That was better, right?"

Esper exhaled. "I hate you."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Did you even hear what I just said?"

"Loud and clear."

"Then there's something seriously wrong with you."

"Must be," Townes replied, his arms still resting on Esper's shoulders. "Otherwise… me and you? Of all people?"

Esper pushed him away, untangling his arms. "Oh, fuck off."

"When have I ever?"

"That doesn't stop me from wishing you would," Esper told him.

"That means I'm doing something right."

"It literally doesn't."

"Besides," Townes reminded him, "I'm not leaving without seeing your half of that assignment."

"You're the worst."

"Yeah, I know."