A/N: Holy Crap! It's been awhile, but this is it! Last chapter guys, and thank you all so much! This story has really surprised me, and I hope you too!
Enjoy!
"Hey! It's me, I'm on the ferry. I just wanted to say that, um, God, I wish you could see this! Weather is classic Seattle… Oh, the water is so blue. It may be the most perfect ferryboat ride I've ever had in my life. We're gonna do this a lot more when I get home, by the way. You, me, and the family. We're just gonna take a day and… ride the ferryboat. All day if we want.
I love you, Meredith. I know I just left, and I'm not even at the airport yet, but I love you. I love our family, and we're gonna keep doing this… I'll see you when I get home. Love you."
Meredith stared out at the sparkling blue water of the bay, swallowing a lump in her throat. It had been nine long months since she'd ridden the ferryboat, and Derek's voice made it especially bittersweet. She turned the phone off and tucked it into her pocket with one hand while holding onto baby Ellis with the other.
Coming home had been as difficult as her last attempt. The thought of coming home to Seattle, the house Derek built, the land he kept for her, had been daunting. She'd dreaded the torturous winding roads and climbing rain-soaked mountains and hills on the tiresome journey.
But it didn't slay her this time around.
Now, she watched Bailey chase Zola around in his big yellow rain boots, trying to catch her in their nonstop game of tag. Cassie and Sam looked on as they held hands at the bow of the ferry. Meredith chuckled when Grace jumped into the fray, scaring Bailey away from Zola and making herself the new target.
After being home in Seattle for a month, she'd invited them over to visit. Admittedly, there was a trauma conference that Sam wanted to attend anyway, but Meredith felt the need to settle things with them after she'd left Middleton rather abruptly.
The seat beside her sighed with new weight, and the aroma of earl grey tea wafted past her nose. Carolyn. "Are you all right?" the older woman asked, before sipping her tea.
"I miss him," she said and sighed.
"Me too."
Carolyn's simple statement bumped Meredith out of her own self-pity. She regarded her mother-in-law looking sadly out at Seattle's disappearing downtown towers. There were a few more wrinkles around her mouth, her cheeks just a little sallow and pale, like an old house badly in need of new paint.
"You lost him too." She concluded abruptly. She clamped her mouth shut. She hadn't meant to say that aloud, but–
"Meredith."
"I just realized you lost him too. I'm sorry." It was really the first time she'd become aware of someone else's grief besides her children's and her own. Had she really been so wrapped up in loss she failed to see it in the people all around her?
Carolyn swallowed. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she said.
"It's… I can't imagine…" Meredith continued, "If I lost Bailey, or Zola…" She sought solace from the living bundle in her arms. Ellis smacked her lips, then proceeded to stuff her fist into her mouth. Meredith stroked her infant's silky cheek. "Even if they were grown up, it'd be like somebody ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I don't know what I'd do."
"When I heard he died, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't–" Carolyn shook her head, staring out at the water. "Even though he had his own life, a good life, he's my son. Whenever I think about him, I have to stop what I'm doing and–" She wheezed and shuddered as if all the oxygen was sucked out of her. The corners of her lips pressed down and she swallowed again. "A parent should never outlive their children," she rasped.
Meredith made a split-second decision. She leaned over, offering Ellis up. "Take her," she said. "Hold the baby." Carolyn turned, shocked, but her expression melted as she welcomed her granddaughter into her arms. Baby Ellis stretched sleepily and yawned, but didn't fuss.
Carolyn beheld her. "She looks just like you."
"Everyone says that, but when I look at her… I see Derek."
Carolyn looked closer at her newest grandchild. "Oh! She has his chin!"
"Sometimes I stare at her, and I see him, and it's like he's here with me." There's a piece of him in her, and it comforted her to know it'll always be there.
"She's precious," Carolyn said. Meredith agreed.
xxx
Meredith was not the best cook, but being a mother, she'd learned the value of a pot roast. Just dump meat and vegetables into the pot and throw it in the oven. Grab a couple bagged salads and some buns, voila! Dinner!
Plus, Grace brought cupcakes, or "upcakes!" as Bailey called them.
She picked up Zola's plastic princess plate and her own dishes and slid them into the sink.
"That was great, dear." Carolyn said as she followed her into the kitchen, placing her dishes by the sink as well.
"Yes, wonderful," Cassie agreed, lifting her wine glass to her.
"Thanks," Meredith smiled. She didn't often get complimented on the quality of her food. It wasn't like the kids could tell. As long as it didn't taste horrible, they were in. She started to grab the dishes and run some water in the sink to rinse them.
"Oh no, no, no," Carolyn pushed her aside. "I'll get this. You cooked."
It would be futile to argue, so instead, she walked into the living room. She picked up Ellis from her carrier and sat down in the rocker to feed her.
Cassie followed and sat in the chair adjacent to her. "This is a lovely home. And the land…" she shook her head. "It must look amazing with the sunrise over the mountains."
"It is gorgeous," Meredith agreed. "Derek chose well."
"You left so quickly," Cassie continued. She swirled the wine in her glass. "I never got to say goodbye."
Meredith gently pulled at Ellis's blanket to release her arms. "I'm sorry." She had left suddenly. Only two weeks after she was discharged. She hadn't meant to leave anyone in the lurch, she just–
It was time to get back on the carousel.
"Here we are," Cassie said, parking the car in front of the townhouse.
"Yay, home!" Bailey clapped from his car seat.
Meredith stared out at the house, and her heart sunk a little. It was a home, yes. But it wasn't HOME. Gingerly, she stepped out of the car, wincing at her incision. Zola unbuckled herself and jumped out. "Mommy, can I carry the baby?" she asked.
"The carrier's too heavy," Meredith said as she unbuckled Bailey. "Cassie will carry her inside. You can hold my hand, though."
"Okay."
"Momma, I gonna play trucks!" Bailey exclaimed as he jumped out of the car, a toddler ball of energy.
"You are?"
"Yeah. Can baby play?" he asked.
"She'll probably just sleep, honey."
"Oh."
"But you and I can play trucks."
"Okay," he resigned.
With Bailey and Zola's warm hands in hers, she followed Cassie down the freshly shovelled sidewalk– likely done by Brandon– and into the house. Instantly, her kids released their grip on her, shed their coats, and dashed off to their rooms, laughing. Her gaze subconsciously landed on the corner of the kitchen where she'd bled out, but the floor there was spotless. Everything was just as she left it, except cleaner.
"There's some casseroles and fresh groceries to last you a few days in the fridge." Cassie said as she put the baby carrier on the coffee table in the living room.
"Oh, you didn't have to do that."
"We all wanted to help."
"Well, uh, thanks. I appreciate it." Meredith tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. Sudden fatigue hit her, and despite her desire to move around and start doing things again, she found just standing tiring.
"Do you need anything?"
Nothing came to mind and she shook her head. She was just tired and sore. A few days of rest was all she needed.
"Okay," Cassie said. "I'll drop by tomorrow."
She bid Cassie goodbye and eased herself onto the couch. Ellis was fast asleep, and would be for at least another hour. She propped a pillow behind her head and pulled the throw blanket over her body. Bailey had brought out his dump truck and race car and had one in each hand as he raced them down the carpet of the hallway. Zola was out of sight, probably in her room. She closed her eyes.
"Mommy?" Zola's soft fingers squeezed her own.
"Mm?"
"I miss daddy."
She missed him too. "Come here, sweetie."
Zola climbed up and sat between her legs, gently resting so as not to touch her incision site. "Are we gonna go back to the big house?" she asked, meaning home. Seattle. The dreamhouse.
"You want to?"
"I miss the lake."
No matter the weather, it was a Shepherd ritual to walk down to the lake after coming home from work. The kids would zoom ahead, burning off all that excess energy, while she and Derek held hands and dawdled behind, discussing the 'complex nature of their existence.'
"Remember when I caught that fish, and Dad said he'd cook it, but he got called in to work so he told you to cook it?"
"I do," Meredith chuckled.
"And you burned it!"
Meredith wrinkled her nose, recalling the acrid scent of burnt fish. "Your father knows I don't cook fish," she said, then winced. Knows? Knew. Knew!
"The alarm beeped really loud and it smelled so bad!"
"Well, that's what happens when your mother cooks fish." She tried to smile, but it faltered, and her voice cracked. Dammit.
Zola sat up, a serious countenance etched on her young face. She scrunched the fabric of Meredith's sweater with her little brown fingers and nestled her head into Meredith's shoulder. "Mommy? I wanna go home."
"I know, lovebug." A lump rose in her throat. It hurt to know that she was keeping her kids from something that would make them happy. Keeping them from people who loved her. She didn't want to turn into her mother, running away and alienating everyone. She always intended to go back. But the last time she tried to go home, it hadn't ended well. She practically had a panic attack at the side of the road. Her pulse quickened, thinking about it.
"Are you scared?"
Meredith tightened her arm around her torso and rested her cheek against Zola's head. Scared? No one had asked her that before.
"I'm not scared, Mommy."
"No?"
"No, cuz Daddy's there."
"Sweetie–" she was about to contradict her. Daddy wasn't there. And that was precisely why she resisted going back. She couldn't face the emptiness.
–"Mommy, he's there. He's here. He's here too," Zola said, pointing to her heart.
"How do you know?"
Zola shrugged. "He told me."
Of course he did. He was everywhere, all the time, saying things. Even from beyond the grave. She swallowed. "It doesn't bother you? That he's everywhere, but you can't see him or feel him?"
"Not anymore," Zola said. "Mommy, I wanna go fishing in Daddy's lake and play in my old room. I miss all my toys and dolls. Please, can we go back?"
Meredith stared at Zola for a long time, seeing herself at five years old, pleading the exact same thing with her own mother. 'We're not going back, and don't bother asking me again, the answer will be the same,' she'd said. 'There is no more time, you can't go back, you can't press pause, it just keeps going forward, faster and faster. The carousel never stops turning.'
Now, the carousel had spun so fast Meredith had been thrown off.
Meredith's world in Seattle was going on without her. But there had to be a way, she thought. Looking into Zola's eyes, she knew she couldn't refuse her. "We will," she said.
"Soon?"
"Soon."
There had to be a way to start again. Start fresh.
She called Alex that night.
Baby Ellis cried softly, rooting at her breast to nurse. Meredith pulled a blanket to cover her and lifted her shirt so her baby could feed. She regarded Cassie softly. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I thought if I didn't go right then… I would never leave, and– I needed to go back. Get back on the carousel."
"The carousel?"
"Something my mother used to say. I fell off the carousel and landed in Middleton. It was really nice. You were really nice. But…"
"It was time to go back."
"I need my family, my friends. They need me. And I need to be a surgeon again."
"You seem… at peace, finally," she said.
"I still miss him all the time, everyday. But-" The pain wasn't always ten anymore. Sometimes it was an eight. On good days, seven. Meredith no longer expected to see Derek around every corner. The kids kept her busy, and she'd been catching up on medical journals in her downtime, slowly preparing to go back to work.
The big, empty bed still made her lonely, but a decent sleep did happen once in a while.
"Meredith?"
"I really do want to thank you," she said. "For being there when I– you know. And for being there for Zola and Bailey. It means a lot."
"I'm glad I got there in time. No one should ever go through that alone."
"I know," Meredith said, because she did know.
"Meredith, I knew to come… because I saw Derek."
Meredith looked up in surprise. Her baby squawked, but Meredith shushed her. "Makes sense." She smiled. "He always hovered."
"I was just so glad you made it."
"It was pretty close, I…" She looked down at Ellis and adjusted her breast under the cover for a better latch. When she finally suckled properly, Meredith sighed in relief. "I… went somewhere. You know, an out-of-body thing." She had what scientists refer to as an NDE, a Near-Death-Experience. In the space of minutes, she'd seen, felt, and spoke to her lost love.
Cassie nodded and her eyes glimmered as if she knew that already.
"What?" Meredith asked.
"When you were in surgery, there was a moment when–" she stopped and shook her head.
"What?"
"What was it like?"
"My NDE?"
"Yeah."
Meredith chewed her lip, unsure of sharing. That time with Derek, that space… what he said, what she saw and felt… seemed beyond explanation, and massively private. But Cassie had looked out for her and done so much for her… She was there that day with Zola and the blood. And she was there in the aftermath, too. She clutched Ellis closer to her, peering down at her perfect features. "It uh… it was white," she started. "There was snow." Huge snowflakes, intricately designed and perfect. "Derek was there."
He was there. He was there and she kissed him, and everything was perfect. "We talked about…" The complex nature of their existence. "Life. Living. Dying. And…it all felt so real."
"No pain?"
"No," she shook her head. No pain. No fear. No guilt…
"Good," Cassie said. "I think– you know, there was a moment, in the waiting room, when I couldn't– Meredith, something you should know about me, I have a gift… Call it special intuition. When it comes to people, I just know–"
"When something is going to happen before it happens?"
"Yes."
"Is that why you're everywhere, all the time, doing things?"
"Yeah," Cassie chuckled. "It does seem to work that way, I suppose."
"And when I… died, you-?"
"I felt… cut off."
"Oh."
"I've only felt that once before, when Jake– when he was dying. I couldn't feel him. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to do something, like I always do, but– it was completely out of my hands, and I never felt so powerless in my life."
Meredith swallowed. She knew that feeling.
You go. We'll be fine.
Ellis squirmed, pulling on Meredith's nipple. With a wince, she covered up and switched her over to the over side and helped her latch again. Ellis's soft expression calmed her, but also triggered a memory.
"I know you want to stay," Derek said.
"There's no pain here."
"Pain means being alive. It means you can move and breathe and fight. Sometimes… I miss the pain."
"I don't know if I can fight anymore."
She looked up at Cassie, and her lips trembled. How could she ever admit…? "I… when I was–" in that place, "it was…" Amazing, wonderful, divine… "Pain-free. I felt… Weightless. Free." She gulped. "I–"
"You wanted to stay."
"Yeah."
Cassie nodded, and a glassy layer of liquid slipped over her hazel eyes. She was crying. Meredith had never seen her cry before. It must be about Jake, she realized, so she struggled to come up with something comforting.
"It's not how you think," she said. "It's not because I didn't want to live. It's…"
"It's heaven."
"...Yeah." How can one possibly resist heaven? "And fighting, trying to live… was exhausting."
"How did you do it?"
"I didn't want to go back at first…" I don't want to go, she'd told him. "But Derek told me it wasn't my time. I thought I wouldn't make it, that it was too late. Until I saw her," she gently patted her girl. "Then all I wanted to do was hold her."
Cassie rested her face in her hands as tears streamed down.
"Hey, oh, hey… No, Cassie–"
Her friend shook her head.
"I was lucky. I got a choice. Derek and Jake… it was too late. It's not your fault. It's not because he didn't love you enough." If love was enough… "There's just a point, medically, when the body is too exhausted. And letting him go… it's what he would've wanted. What he needed."
Cassie sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. "You think so? Because I… sometimes I feel–"
"Guilty?"
"Yeah."
"You shouldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because…" she was back at that moment in her NDE when she saw Cassie and her kids in the waiting room. Even seeing them scared and worried for her hadn't quite been enough to convince herself to ignore heaven. If she had stayed… she would never want anyone to feel guilty. To feel that they weren't enough, or hadn't done enough to keep her here. Derek had insinuated as much to her. You gave me everything I needed until my last breath.
"It wasn't in my hands," Cassie suddenly gasped. "That's why… that's why I felt so lost, because–"
"It wasn't your choice. You weren't supposed to do anything," Meredith finished.
"Yeah, yeah."
"Yeah."
They sat there, just absorbed in the moment. In this revelation. All that could be heard was the clinking of pots and pans from Carolyn in the kitchen, and Ellis's enthusiastic suckling. Finally the suckling stopped and Meredith cleaned up. She slowly stood up, pulling the towel off her shoulder and handing it to Cassie. "I think you should hold Ellis for a bit. Someone needs some love."
"I would be honoured."
xxx
Meredith stood in front of the tree. It towered over her, its long branches swaying in the gentle wind. The spring air revitalised her with every breath as she took in the view of the mountains and the lake ahead of her.
"Mommy! I got da box!" Bailey shouted as he tramped toward her.
"Do you?" she smiled. "Good job. Careful!"
"An' I got the map, Mommy." Zola said.
"Perfect. Let's go," she said as she pushed the stroller down the path.
Bailey ran alongside the stroller, poking his head in, "Ellis sleepin'?"
"She'll be awake soon. It's almost feeding time. Zola, where does the map say we should go?"
Meredith already knew the route, but making a map with Zola had been extraordinarily fun for her daughter, who was quite enamoured with this idea.
"Um…um…" she said, putting a finger to her lips as she examined the paper.
"Where's the X?" Meredith prompted.
"Um, it's here," Zola pointed.
"Okay, so do you remember where the X is from here?"
Zola looked up and scanned the area.
"See, here's the trail, that's where we are," Meredith ran a finger down the page. "And the X is here… so which way should we go?"
"Um, um, that way!" Zola pointed straight ahead.
"No silly! Which way is the X?"
"Oh." Zola looked down at her pink Princess Pony shoes, then looked up thoughtfully. "That way?" She pointed to the left, east, toward the lake.
"That's right! You're so smart!"
Zola beamed. "C'mon Bailey," she called as she took off from the path. "We're gonna bury treasure!"
"Yeah!" he roared as he ran behind her, the tacklebox tucked safely in his arms.
Meredith grinned as she watched her children dash off. She scooped her two-month-old from the stroller into her baby wrap carrier, and grabbed a big bag. "C'mon Ellie-belle, we better catch up."
"A-goo-ah!" Ellis exclaimed with a gummy grin.
"I know, right?" Patting her infant, Meredith stepped off the path into the woods to follow her children's lead.
xxx
They ended up near the lake. Thirty feet from the old dock was a fallen moss-covered tree. The weathered stump was massive, the middle mostly rotted away. It made the perfect hiding spot for a treasure box.
Meredith paused. The late morning sky was, for once, devoid of clouds, and the water matched its perfect blue colour. Soft waves lapped the shore and all around her, an array of birds could be heard, chirping along.
"Mommy, I wanna talk to Daddy." Zola said, pulling on her shirt.
"Of course sweetie. Go ahead."
Zola nodded and closed her eyes tight. Her face scrunched as she concentrated, as if she was trying to practice telekinesis.
"What are you doing?" Meredith asked.
"Talking to Daddy. But I'm doing it in my head, so Bailey doesn't hear."
"Oh. Okay." Meredith chuckled. At night, she often heard Zola whisper her day to her daddy into her pillow before she fell off to sleep. Somehow, Zola's attachment to Derek after his death also helped her in her own grief.
"Okay Mama, I'm ready!" Bailey said, holding up the box.
"Zola?"
"Coming!"
Meredith slipped the bag off and pulled out a big blanket. Derek's old blanket from the trailer, and spread it on the rough ground. She sat down with her children. "Bailey, hand me the box."
He did so, as carefully as he could. Meredith put it in the middle and let Zola open it. She dug in her bag for the few remaining items.
"Can I go first, Mommy?" Zola asked.
"Go ahead," Meredith said, handing her her 'book.'
While they were in Middleton packing to come home, Meredith had come across Zola's numerous pictures depicting much of the events that had happened during their stay. After much thought, she and Zola ordered them and stapled them together in a sort of book. When Meredith asked her what she wanted to put into the box, Zola immediately requested the book. This morning, Zola even made a cover page for it, with a simple drawing of her and her father, and 'Love U Daddy' scrawled on top.
"Daddy, this is a book I made for you, I drawed all the pictures of what you showed me." Zola said. She flipped through the papers, smoothed it over and put it in the box. "I love you Daddy," she said.
"And how about you, Bailey?"
"You got my car, Mommy?"
Meredith handed her son his favorite Hot Wheels diecast metal NASCAR racer.
"Daddy wikes cars, right?" Bailey asked, running his fingers over the metallic blue paint with the number twelve on the hood.
"He loves cars."
He ran the car across the blanket, into the dirt and back, then onto Zola's knee, down her leg, over her shoe, and into Meredith's lap. He ran it up and down Ellis's back, making her squawk, then lifted it high above his head. He loosed a long whistle and guided the car into the box. "This is so you can pway cars in heaven," he said. "I love you, Daddy."
Meredith smiled softly at this. "Good job, Bailey," she said.
"What about you, Mommy? What did you get Daddy?"
"Wait! Ellie has something for Daddy." Meredith interrupted.
"Okay."
"What is it?" Zola asked
"She got your daddy… a teddy!" Meredith reached into the bag and pulled out the small teddy bear she'd bought in Middleton, the day she found out she was pregnant."Congratulations, Daddy. We got another one."
"Mommy, I don't think this box is big enough, Zola said.
"It'll fit," Meredith said. "We'll get him a bigger one next time."
"Next time?"
"Yeah, we'll come back again, sometime."
"Yeah!"
Meredith smiled.
"Your turn, Mommy," Zola said. "What present did you get Daddy?"
"I um… I wrote him a letter."
"What did you write him? Can you read it to us?"
Reading it would make her bawl, and she didn't want to do that today."Well, I um… It's a special letter just for him, so I want him to read it first."
"Cuz it's special."
"Yes, Zola."
"Okay, Mommy."
She pulled the letter from her pocket and put it in the box on top of the Teddy Bear, then closed the box with her kid's help. Together they carried it to the stump. Meredith wrapped the tackle box in a clear plastic garbage bag to help protect it and then she covered it with some large stones, bark, and branches that Zola and Bailey brought. It wasn't as safe as a cave, but it was easily accessible this way, and they could always move it if they had to.
"Bye Daddy." Bailey said.
"Bye for now, but you're not gone forever, you're right here!" Zola pointed to her heart.
Meredith said nothing. Just smiled sadly with her children before leading the way to the dock. "C'mon guys, we're gonna go fishing, remember?"
"Yeah, fishing!" Bailey shouted. "Mommy, are you gonna cook the fishy?"
"Nope. There'll be no cooking of fishies. Just hot dogs."
"Good. I like hot dogs better than yucky fishies."
"I know, Bailey."
xxx
The kids were in bed, the house quiet. Meredith had just put Ellis into her crib. She wiped her tired eyes and settled into bed before pulling open the drawer of her nightstand and lifting up the letter Derek had written on his way back to her. The letter she'd found months and months ago but had been too scared to read, until this morning.
The letter she wrote a response to.
Now in the dim moonlight of her bedroom, she read it again.
Dear Meredith,
I let myself think that going to DC was ultimately, to save you. But I was wrong. I forgot you're the one who saves me, over and over again. You pushed me to succeed when I felt like I failed. You stood in front of a bullet for me. You opened up your heart for a family, and now we have Zola and Bailey, more than I thought possible, more than I ever imagined. You're my world.
The 'treasures' in this box are reminders of how I fell in love with you. It's like I met you in some other place or time, you know me so well. All I ever needed, Meredith, was you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to figure this out. No matter where life takes us, all I need is you.
I promise to never leave again.
I love you.
Derek.
She closed her eyes and slept.
Beside her, Derek lay on the 'empty' side of the bed, watching the love of his life sleep. Quietly, he pulled her letter from his back pocket and opened it. On simple yellow foolscap paper, her long cursive writing poured out the simple ache of her heart.
Dear Derek
I miss you. But I know you're here somehow. Who knew a one-night stand would change my life forever? But it did. You did. Your love did.
I didn't know what love was, until you loved me. I didn't think I could be a good mother, but you showed me I could. I even doubted my own abilities as a surgeon, but you believed in me.
I wish I never lost you. I wish I could still feel your arms around me when I go to bed at night, but in the absence of that, you've given me treasure. Pieces of life that stop time.
You're in my head. I hear you all the time, saying things. And that's what gets me up in the morning. Hearing those words, 'If there's a crisis, you don't freeze… you move forward,' keeps me going. And I see you. Not ghost-you anymore, but I see you in Bailey's eyes, in Ellie's chin, in Zola's smile.
I will always miss you. All ways. But you showed me heaven and now I know that you kept your promise. You're still with me. As Zola would say, "You're in my heart."
This is forever.
I love you.
Meredith
He folded the letter up and slid it into his back pocket and scooched closer to his wife. Meredith's eyelids fluttered briefly, and she rolled onto her side, her back to him. Her breaths continued, eventually turning into soft snores, which Derek secretly adored. He kissed her softly on her cheek, her shoulder, and embraced her. He missed her too. "I love you," he whispered to sleeping Meredith.
"Love you too," she murmured back in her sleep.
He'd always stay by her. Not moving. Waiting for her.
~Fin~
A/N: Save Me is the next story in line to be updated... Hopefully soon, we'll see.