A/N - WARNING - This story contains references to suicidal thoughts. If this could be a trigger or you just don't want to read about it then please skip this story. It's not for everyone and I totally respect that. This is more of a cathartic piece of writing than a story as such. If you are reading — Thank you xx
Elizabeth was sitting cross legged on the deep purple sofa that took up most of the space in the drab yet claustrophobic room. She had already been in there for seventeen minutes — The irritating tick had made sure to keep her focus on the clock situated above the door. She did wonder if they planned it that way just to mess with people.
She was picking at the thin cotton thread that stretched tightly across her kneecap, the rips in her jeans becoming larger by the second. She was transfixed by the way the thread left a white line against her pink skin while it was taut, only to disappear when the blood flow returned.
Will had brought her some bits from her dorm room, a change of clothes, her pyjamas and some toiletries but had refused point blank to touch her underwear which left her with the bra and panties she'd been wearing the night she was admitted. She had pointed out that her roommate, Becky, would have got them for him if only he'd asked, but it fell on deaf ears.
He had also managed to pack the grungiest clothes she owned! A hoodie that had more holes than fabric, an old Queen T-Shirt that was three sizes too big and a pair of sweatpants that she didn't actually remember owning. She was convinced that he did it on purpose just to piss her off. But in all fairness, she felt like she deserved it.
Her nail caught the fragile white thread, pulling harder than intended and it snapped in half leaving two frayed pieces on opposite sides of the hole in her jeans. She wasn't sure why but she could really empathise with that thread. There seemed to be two halves of her on opposite sides and she couldn't quite get them back together. There was the Lizzie who existed before her parents died and the Elizabeth who didn't want to exist afterwards — The two were at odds with each other constantly.
She couldn't move forwards because grief and loneliness were holding her captive in the past. But she couldn't go backwards because everything that had been there was gone. Well, the biggest parts of it anyway. She had set up camp in limbo and couldn't see any way out.
Elizabeth glanced up at the clock once again and sighed. Twenty minutes without saying a single word. She knew the therapist was waiting her out, expecting the silence to break her, but what this woman didn't understand was that silence was all Elizabeth knew. She could go days without uttering a single word because nobody ever bothered speaking to her. So she was more than happy to sit there without uttering a syllable until either time was up or the annoyingly friendly woman currently staring at her, broke first.
"You seem extremely transfixed with the time, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth smirked to herself and shrugged, her silence still very much intact.
"I want to help you but I can't do that unless you're willing to talk to me."
Elizabeth looked at the woman's name badge 'Dr Louise Elkin' and rolled her eyes. "I have nothing to say to you, Louise."
"Well, I've managed to get you to at least say something to me which is a good start."
Elizabeth chastised herself for falling into such an easy trap and smiled sarcastically "Gold star for you."
Dr Elkin closed her notebook and placed it on the table "Look Elizabeth — I'm going to level with you here. You were admitted because you tried to take your own life —"
"And failed spectacularly."
"I won't allow you to be released until I can be certain that you won't try to do it again. I want to help you figure things out."
"You can't keep me here against my will."
"I would have no choice but to go down the involuntary commitment route Elizabeth."
"You're going to section me?"
"You know what that means?"
"Of course I do. But here's a newsflash — I'm not crazy! In fact, I've never had more clarity. I just don't want to be here anymore. Shouldn't that be MY choice to make?"
"It's not that simple Elizabeth."
"Well it should be. It's my life — Why can't I decide if I want to live it or not?" Elizabeth could feel the hairs on the back of her neck prickle and her heart beat faster. "What gives you or anybody else the right to take that choice away from me?"
"I would like to understand why you feel that way and help you to understand it too."
"I already understand it. My parents died, my brother hates me and I have no friends. My life is empty and it hurts physically and mentally, every fucking day. Does that give you more of an insight, Louise?"
Dr Elkin picked up her notebook and started writing.
"Oh great — Are you writing a screenplay? A novel maybe? I'm glad my pathetic excuse for a life is so interesting to you. I would ask for a cut of the royalties but hopefully I won't be here to collect them." Elizabeth ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. This is why she didn't want to open her mouth. This is why she should have stayed completely silent because now she had given far too much away and had just bought herself a lengthy stay in fuckedupville.
"I think we've made some real progress already Elizabeth."
"Really? I'm glad you think so because I'm not really seeing the upside."
Dr Elkin smiled "We'll meet again tomorrow, but maybe I'll get you to face away from the clock next time."
Elizabeth rolled her eyes "Was that your attempt at being funny?"
"Maybe! Did it work?'
"No!"
"I guess we both have some work to do then. Get some rest, eat something and I'll see you tomorrow."
"Do I have any choice in the matter?" She earned herself a raised brown which made her huff "I guess that's a no then."
Unlike the day before, Henry found Elizabeth's door slightly ajar so poked his head into her room and was surprised to see her sitting on her bed, fully dressed with a book in her hands.
"Hey — It's good to see you out of your hospital gown?"
Elizabeth tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at him "Excuse me?"
"Oh no — I didn't mean it like that — I meant it's good that you're dressed." Henry was usually such a laid back kind of guy who rarely got flustered but there was something about Elizabeth that always made him lose all rational thought.
"Those gowns are itchy and somewhat draughty. I'm more comfortable this way."
"What are you reading?" Henry nodded towards the book she was holding.
"Absolutely nothing. I've been trying to read the same paragraph for the past hour and nothing seems to be going in." She threw the book onto the bed and sighed "I wasn't expecting you to come back."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't know me so why waste you time coming to see me?"
"I don't see it as a waste of my time at all. In fact, there is nowhere I'd rather be." Henry smiled at her.
"Wow! If that's the case then you really need to get out more Henry. Being stuck in this godforsaken place is the very last thing I want."
"Not letting you out yet?"
"Nope! Seems I have a lot of bullshitting to do before I convince them to release me for good behaviour."
"Or you could just let them help you?"
"I don't need any help and if you're going to come at me with this do-gooder crap, you can walk your ass right back out that door."
Henry sat on the end of Elizabeth's bed and picked up the book "Grapes of Wrath — That's a little heavy."
"Well what can I say — I read to match my mood."
"What's your favourite book?" Henry was determined to find out more about her and books were a good subject for him.
"I have too many to answer that question."
"Really? Most people I've met can't name one."
"Then you're meeting the wrong people! I like to read - It's a good escape from the reality of my shitty life."
"I get that - I like to read too. What's your major?"
"I see what you're doing Henry."
"And what's that?"
"You're trying to get me talking about something I love in order to lift my mood - But you'll be trying for a very long time. I don't have any happiness or hope left inside me." Her expression changed from one of sadness to utter despair.
"Maybe you just need to find it again. It can't be lost forever." Henry could feel the lump in his throat from her words. He really had no idea who she was or what she was going through - But he was very glad he was there with her.
"It can in my case and nothing's going to change that."
Henry wasn't sure what else to say so he begrudgingly changed the subject "So, go on, tell me, what's your major?"
"Math."
"Really? I wasn't expecting that."
"Why not? What were you expecting?"
"English maybe — You love reading so I figured it's what you'd be taking your degree in."
"Yes I love reading but that's a hobby. I trust Math — I can figure it out and it never lets me down. It's the way my brain works."
"I'm not so good at Math — I'm majoring in Theology and Religious Studies."
"Wow — And I thought Math was heavy! I take it you want to be a priest?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not prepared to take a vow of chastity." He grinned and Elizabeth couldn't help but chuckle.
"Yeah — I think that would be a problem for me too."
"I brought you some flowers but they took them —." Henry gestured towards the door.
"Oh yeah — They apparently have to check everything before I'm allowed to have it. Quite the invasion of privacy."
"They just want to keep you safe Elizabeth."
"That's the problem."
"It's what you need right now." Settling himself in the chair next to the bed, Henry opened up the book and started reading.
"What the hell are you doing?" Elizabeth couldn't work this guy out.
"I'm reading to you. You said it yourself that nothing was going in, so maybe it will if you don't have to stare at the page."
"I don't need your charity, Henry."
"Good because that's not what I'm offering — I'm here as your friend."
"You're so odd."
Henry laughed "Says the girl wearing a Queen t-shirt.'
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with Queen,"
"If you say so! Now get yourself comfortable and stop interrupting — I have a book to read."
Henry continued reading until he heard Elizabeth's soft snuffles. He glanced over the top of the book and smiled when he saw her fast asleep, pillow clutched to her chest.
He stood and placed the book on the chair, his gaze never leaving her. He moved a piece of hair that had fallen across her eyes and sighed. She was so beautiful and spirited and intelligent - He knew all this from hearing her speak in class - But she was so much more, he knew she was. He wanted to help her, he wanted to be her friend but he knew she was fighting a battle she may not win.
To be continued…..