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I Really Really Really Really Want to be Your Friend
Chapter 37

Rukawa staggered downstairs at ten in the morning, only to find his mother dancing around the kitchen as she put away plates.

The radio was tuned to a golden hits station and playing old-style tunes. It was one of her favourite breakfast radio shows.

"Could you turn it down?" Rukawa grumbled, pressing his hands to his ears. Inside his skull, he could still hear a faint buzzing.

"Don't you have lectures this morning?"

"I don't think I'm going," he muttered, still rubbing his head. He remembered the innocuous glasses of alcohol that Myagi had bought him with a wince. Whatever had happened after that was hard to recall.

The radio played a short, loud blast from a brass band, and a woman's voice sung out loud and rich and strong,

"Does he love me? I wanna know. How can I tell if he loves me so?"

"Ooooh I love this one!" His mother attempted to seize his hand, "Dance with me!"

The dated yet extremely catchy tune filled the kitchen with the sort of morning cheer that Rukawa very keen to avoid.

"I'm going back to bed," he decided.

"No, you need to eat something," his mother told him wisely. "Soak up some of that hangover you've got." She encouraged him to the kitchen table, still pattering her feet lightly on the kitchen floor as she swayed with the music. "Congee?"

Rukawa lifted his eyes. "Liver?"

"Of course."

He sat and watched his mother prepare the ingredients, setting the rice to boil and slicing the fresh pork liver and scallions. He felt a little guilty for not helping, but his headache and feeling of crappiness kept him in his seat.

The music played on, wiggling like an ear worm in his ear.

"If you wanna know, if he loves you so - it's in his kiss. (That's where it is!)"

"So you must have had a great time last night," his mother chirped cheerfully.

Rukawa shrugged. He couldn't remember much, but he felt that it probably had been fun. At least it hadn't been bad. But he regretted having gone without Sendoh. In the end it seemed there was no big secret. No exclusive club or insider knowledge. It was just people, doing people things. His momentary feelings of inferiority, just because he hadn't experienced such things before… had been misplaced.

Sendoh was different from him. He knew that. It had been obvious, from the start. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Didn't mean that he was unworthy. It was only some unknown insecurity that had crept up on him unexpectedly.

His fingers traced the grain of the wood on the kitchen table.

Sendoh was his friend.

And really, he was pleased about that.

"Is it in his eyes? Oh no, you'll be deceived."

"Is it in his sighs? Oh no, he'll make believe."

He huffed out a breath. Okay. Maybe… not completely pleased about that.

His mother placed a steaming bowl of fluffy white congee in front of him and produced a spoon.

"Thanks," he said as the familiar and comforting scent of the soft rice wafted into his nose and made his stomach rumble. The green flecks of spring onion sat sparkling in the glistening soup, small triangles of meat breaking the surface like tiny icebergs.

"Eat it while it's hot!"

"Mm."

He blew onto the heaped spoon, then sipped the hot liquid cautiously. He closed his eyes to savour it.

"Delicious."

There was something so good about home comfort foods. He scooped up another spoonful.

"Whose clothes are these?" his mother asked, turning to the basket of laundry by the machine. The clothes Rukawa had borrowed from Sawakita were on top of the pile.

"Oh- my… friend…"

"Sendoh-kun?"

Rukawa touched his lips to the spoon again, eyes sliding to the tabletop as he considered this. "No, er. Someone else."

His mother's eyebrows lifted. Rukawa knew why. Before this year, he had never had anyone he would describe as a friend. Now suddenly, it seemed, he had several.

"That's wonderful, darling," his mother said, and the way her eyes were shining Rukawa knew she really meant it. "That's really nice."

A bit embarrassed by her concern and attention, Rukawa rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone instead. There was a message. From Sendoh. Did Sendoh have his number?

Sendoh Akira: Very much, Kaede.

Rukawa stared at it, not comprehending. Why would Sendoh be messaging him? About what?

The time stamp said that the message arrived at 8am this morning. Rukawa frowned, then pressed his finger to the alert to open the messaging app. His eyes traveled up through a chain of messages that he had no memory of sending. As he read, his palm slowly raised up to cover his mouth, eyes widening.

He scrolled back down to Sendoh's final message. It seemed it had been delayed by the network. Just as well, Rukawa couldn't help but feel relieved. Who knew what other embarrassing things he might have gone on to say if Sendoh's message had actually arrived in time.

"Are you alright, darling? You look like you've seen a ghost."

He shook his head, and shoved the phone deep into his pocket. "I'm fine," he pressed his hand against his stomach which had begun to feel extremely loose and queasy, like his internals had turned into wriggling worms. His heart had sped up so that he could hear it in his ears, along with the lingering buzz. "Just need to sleep this off."

But even though he couldn't see it anymore, it seemed like the messages had become fixed in his mind.

Me: Do you like me?

Me: Goodnight.

Sendoh Akira: Very much Kaede.

He rubbed his head, bothered by it. What does it mean? He likes me… as a friend? Or-?

The uncertainty annoyed him. Why couldn't things just be clear?

He slipped down off the stool. The radio let out one last crescendo as the singer's voice repeated her confident proclamation.

"If you wanna know, if he loves you so - it's in his kiss!"

Over in the law faculty, Sendoh tapped his pen against the book, feeling frustrated at the topic. It wasn't Professor Grump, but their business and commercial law lecturer today. He was a chisel jawed man wearing a blue suit that was a little too small, and a comfortable pair of leather business shoes that had probably been expensive, but were now worn down to something more closely resembling slippers.

Sendoh furrowed his brows as he concentrated on the textbook open in front of him. He felt like he had a general understanding of the topic, but there were so many holes in his certainty. He flicked through the printed power-point slides, then looked over his handwritten notes, but he didn't see the answer to the question the lecturer was posing to them.

"What I'm asking," the man addressed the silent room once again through the wireless mic clipped to his tie, "Is the procedure where one guarantor is a natural person, and the other is a corporate entity?"

Sendoh's eyes read fast. He knew the procedure for a natural person as guarantor, and the procedure for a corporate guarantor, but no where could he find explanation for when there were both. Which set of rules would apply? He flipped back and then forth a page.

Somewhere below, from near the front, a student raised their hand- "The rules for corporate guarantors are more stringent, so in the absence of specific legislation the courts have adopted the corporate procedure."

"Correct! Case?"

"DDP v Barclay."

"Exactly," the lecturer lifted his hand, "we move on."

Sendoh grabbed his pen and scrawled rapidly beside his notes - DPP v Barclay? He tsked softly beneath his breath. What was the year? What level of court?

Fukuda elbowed him gently. "Hey! What's the case he said?"

"DPP v Barclay," Sendoh said out of the side of his mouth, eyes still on his notes.

"What year?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. He didn't say."

As the lecturer took a sip of water, Sendoh flicked to the textbook index and hunted for the case, but it wasn't in the case list. It's not in this textbook? Annoyed, he pursed his lips. Seemed that he needed a better textbook.

"You okay?" Ikegami muttered at him from his other side. "You seem a bit… off."

Sendoh looked between his friends, and cracked a smile for their sakes. "What? No, I'm fine," he promised. "Just… confused."

Fukuda nodded in solidarity. "Confused is the right word. What the hell is this even about?" He slapped his palm disparagingly on his notes. "This whole topic is a nightmare."

"Right," Sendoh chuckled. "But we'll make it."

"Maybe."

Sendoh's eyes slid back to the slides on the projector screen, and the lecturer pacing before it and explaining. But he didn't really see it. In his mind's eye he could see the chain of messages on his phone.

Rukawa Kaede: Do you like me?

Me: Very much Kaede.

Rukawa Kaede: Good night.

He let out a breath. Confused is the right word.

Good night? What does that mean? Why did he ask that but then not reply properly? Does it mean he doesn't like me back? Or-?

He rubbed his eyes. He hadn't gotten much sleep at all. He'd spent far too long laying in the dark with his phone under his pillow, willing himself not to check it again.

The law students ate lunch together out on the lawn. It was a warm, sunny day and they were all eager to escape the dimness of the buildings and enjoy the sunshine. They dumped their bags and books and jackets and sat directly on the grass in their white shirts, sharing what they had bought from the union store.

Sendoh found himself cheered by the sunlight, which woke up his sleepy mind, and he soon was laughing and joking with the rest.

"So what's with the black under your eyes, Sendoh Akira?" Someone wanted to know.

"Commercial law getting to you?"

"Finally, a subject even you can't sail through?"

Fukuda playfully tossed an unopened packet of chips at the speaker. "Don't be daft," he countered. "I'm his flat mate and I can assure you he's only top of the class cos he never sleeps. Never goes out. He's a study robot."

They laughed because they all knew this was patently untrue, and Sendoh rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "It's very confusing," he acknowledged. "The worst subject…"

"The worst!" Someone else agreed.

"…so far," Sendoh finished with a small smile, and everyone lifted their hands and groaned dramatically.

"How are we gonna survive another year of this?"

"My brain feels like jelly. If I have to memorise another set of case names I'll choke to death on my own revision cards."

"Sendoh-kun, how do you do so well on the exams?"

"Didn't you get over 80 on Human Rights law? I have to resit the paper… could you help me? There's a lot of things I don't understand-"

"Yeah, no problem," Sendoh agreed amicably. "Just message me if you have questions."

"Really? Thanks so much!"

Having finished his lunch, Sendoh smiled and began to pack up his things. "I've gotta go," he told the rest, shouldering his bag. "Got to find a book."

Koshino scoffed at him. "You're gonna be living in the library soon, you nerd."

Sendoh flashed a confident smile. "Who's joining us for drinks tonight?"

"Yeah I wanna come."

"Where are you guys gonna hang out?"

"There's a happy hour at Big Fred's bar tonight."

"Let's meet there!"

Sendoh lifted a hand in a friendly wave. "Great. See you all tonight, then."

Sendoh returned to the law faculty. He would go to the law library and hunt for a textbook that was more detailed.

He was preoccupied by this thought and he did not pay attention as he rounded a corner and crashed bodily into someone coming the other way.

He stepped backwards in surprise, nearly dropping his bag.

Then he grinned when he saw the familiar face. "Well. Good afternoon."

Rukawa rubbed his neck, a little sore. His eyes were puffy and unfocused, seeming for a moment not to recognise Sendoh. He was holding an insulated lunch bag in his hand, but did not have his usual backpack. He was not wearing a uniform and he looked completely hungover. He looked a whole lot worse than Sendoh.

Sendoh's mood improved rapidly, and he couldn't resist teasing him. "Had a good night last night, I see." But then the recollection of their messages to one another occurred to him, and he quietened.

Rukawa blinked at him, wordlessly.

Sendoh gestured to the lunch bag. "Are you here to eat lunch?"

Rukawa shook his head. "My dad's," he explained. "He left his lunch at home." He put his hand to his head. "I skipped classes today. I really… need to sleep."

Sendoh tilted his head. "Why don't you come and sleep in the library? That's what I normally do. I'm going there now."

Rukawa nodded tiredly. "Mm. Okay. I'll take this to dad's office first."

"Perfect."

Since Rukawa wasn't a law student he technically wasn't supposed to enter the law library. But his father was a law professor in the faculty, not to mention his height and the intimidating weight of his athletic gravity, so no one at the front desk dared to stop him despite his lack of uniform.

Sendoh walked beside Rukawa as they entered, and he flashed smiles at the staff who recognised him by sight. They smiled back at him, and they threw looks at Rukawa too - some intimidated, others appreciative of his handsomeness.

The law library was over two floors. It had a bank of computers at the front, and specialist legal librarians. Due to the volume of books there was a sliding shelf mechanism the likes of which Rukawa had only seen in movies. Entire shelves of books ran on rails and had to be moved closer together or further apart by turning wheels at the end of the row.

Coloured shelves show-cased the most popular publications - the essential reading for the university's courses and books published by the university's own professors.

The second floor was much quieter; the majority of the shelves were filled with seemingly endless and uniform books containing legislation and court cases.

"Most of this stuff," Sendoh explained as they walked up to the second floor and through the quiet shelves, "is available online. So it's pretty rare to need a physical book anymore. The only people who come up here are the lawyers in practise."

Sendoh led Rukawa to his usual table, right at the back by the windows. The table was tucked into the corner, shielded from sight by a shelf containing - Rukawa looked briefly - secondary legislation from the 1970s which it seemed no one had extracted from the shelf in a decade.

The desk had seats for four. Sendoh took the corner by the window, and Rukawa naturally took the diagonally opposite seat in order to maximise the working space. He watched as Sendoh settled himself, drew his laptop out of his bag and began to set it up. Opening the lid, and tapping his fingers over the keys with delicate little clicks.

"I'm looking for a textbook," he explained. "And I'll start researching my essay since I'm here." He glanced up at Rukawa who was watching him silently.

Rukawa had pulled on the first clothes he'd found when his mother had woken him up and sent him on this errand. He was wearing a loose sleeveless tank top and an old pair of silky basketball shorts that he usually used as pyjamas. Thonged sandals were on his bare feet. All in all, he was dressed more suitably for the beach than for the air-conditioned library.

He rubbed his palms up and down his forearms, trying to warm his skin a little.

The next moment, Sendoh pulled his uniform blazer off the back of his chair and tossed it in Rukawa's direction.

"Here," he said. "Wear this. I'm not using it. You can sleep more comfortably."

Rukawa caught the jacket, the dark fibres rough against his palms.

The jacket had Sendoh's scent in it. Rukawa slid his arms into the sleeves, feeling the warm silk of the lining brush over his skin.

"Mm," he acknowledged. "Thanks."

He folded his arms on the desk top and rested his head on them, his eyes and body heavy.

The scent had the habit of sneaking up on him every now and again. When he adjusted his shoulders, or turned his face the other way. Each time, a waft of Sendoh's closeness would assail him.

He took a secret pleasure in it, pushed his nose into the fabric slightly and breathed in. He closed his eyes, intending to do as Sendoh suggested, and sleep.

Sendoh smiled. "I'll wake you up in two hours," he said.

"Mm," Rukawa repeated dozily.

However, after twenty minutes of trying to rest, Rukawa came to the conclusion that sleep was impossible. He kept fidgeting, adjusting his posture, trying to find the right position - but no.

He could hear Sendoh moving about quietly, papers sliding against each other, turning pages, and tapping laptop keys. It was a comfortable, calming sound. He really ought to have been able to doze off.

But all he could think about were the messages that neither of them had mentioned.

He lifted his head.

"You okay?" Sendoh asked, glancing up from his notes.

Rukawa felt a little guilty for disturbing Sendoh's concentration so he hunkered down again and muttered, "Fine".

Sendoh lifted an eyebrow, but seemed to accept Rukawa's word and got back to his papers.

Rukawa pushed his nose into his own elbow, eyes observing Sendoh silently over his arm. It was easy to see him from this diagonal vantage. Sendoh had taken off his glasses and placed them on the table beside his hand. His hand. The same, slightly large, square cut nails, pleasingly masculine and solid hands that Rukawa found himself daydreaming about.

He recalled how those hands had massaged their way into his shoulders in a manner that had felt absolutely divine.

Tsk. What am I even thinking about? Stupid.

He had learnt about hands in his physiotherapy lectures. About sprains and wrist fractures and how to treat them. About the different bones and muscles of the hand. So he spent the next five minutes mentally mapping Sendoh's hands as they moved over the keyboard, sliding across the track pad, or leafing through papers. Naming tendons, bones, joints kept him occupied for a little while. Maybe it would calm his thoughts?

Finally, he closed his eyes again, willing himself to sleep. He swum in and out of consciousness, not fully asleep nor awake. Resting, unaware of time passing, but aware of sounds and things around.

At some point he began to wonder if he could move to the seat directly on Sendoh's right, instead of the diagonal chair. Would Sendoh mind? If their elbows were to touch. Their knees jostle together a little. Rukawa's foot bumping Sendoh's accidentally. The warm brush of their thighs. Their eyes meeting. And then-?

His eyelids fluttered, and he briefly saw Sendoh typing on his laptop. But almost at once Rukawa sunk back down into the fog of sleepiness.

A little later, his eyes fluttered again, and took another look. This time he saw that Sendoh was concentrating on his notepad, working intensely, pencil scratching.

Rukawa blinked sleepily.

It was so quiet in this part of the library it was as if they were alone.

He watched the way Sendoh's long fingers curled against the crisp white paper. Imagining how those same fingers might twist into the back of his t-shirt and-

He lifted his eyes to silently admire the slope of Sendoh's jaw, the singular focus of his eyes, the handsomeness of his face as he concentrated. He must have gazed a little longer than usual, because unexpectedly Sendoh looked at him too, and their eyes met.

Rukawa expected a calm smile. An enquiry as to how he was doing.

Instead, Sendoh straightened guiltily, as if Rukawa had caught him doing something bad, and he covered the paper he'd been working on with his notepad.

Rukawa felt confused.

"Oh, you're awake," Sendoh's eyes darted around the table. Then he reached over and grabbed a textbook. "I- I probably need to take this back- I'll be back in a moment. Keep resting."

He stood up and, walking fast, disappeared into the shelves.

He had almost seemed... embarrassed? Rukawa considered. Then, aching a little from his sleeping position, straightened his back, giving a yawn and a stretch. He leaned fully sideways from his chair to look around the bookshelf and saw Sendoh's back as he went towards the stairs, then turned into one of the rows of books. Frowning, Rukawa straightened again and his eyes fell on the notebook.

Unable to resist the pull of his curiosity, he got up and took the opposite seat. He noticed that Sendoh's laptop screen had turned black with inactivity. There were a few loose leaves with roughly scrawled citations and phrases, a pencil and a pen tossed carelessly on top.

He recalled for a moment the old saying, curiosity killed the cat. Rukawa hesitated for a moment, but could not stop himself from reaching out and pushing the notebook aside, his eyes alighting on what was underneath.

Oh.

Sendoh hid down an aisle containing public law textbooks until the colour on his cheeks had faded, and his heart stopped beating quite so fast.

Once he was feeling a little more composed, he returned the textbook, and made his way back towards where Rukawa was supposed to be napping.

He checked the time on his phone as he walked. Maybe, he thought, after this they could go and throw a ball around in the law faculty court. He guessed Rukawa would agree. But at the same time, he was in no hurry for their time in the library to come to an end. After all, it wasn't often that he had such an opportunity to observe him so thoroughly, from so close, and to…

He rounded the final shelf to see Rukawa leaning back in his chair, balancing it precariously on two feet, eyes closed, arms crossed across his chest, face calm. His long legs made the posture easy, feet firm against the floor despite the jaunty tilt of the chair. His face was towards the ceiling, his head falling back, and the long arch of his throat like smooth marble. His fringe had fallen away to reveal his face fully, pale and handsome. It seemed like he was contemplating something very seriously.

When he heard Sendoh arrive, his eyes opened, twin swirls of morning, blue and brilliant.

On the table in front of him was the picture Sendoh had been drawing instead of working. The one he hadn't been able to resist making in the face of the opportunity to study Rukawa so closely while he was asleep. The one that had entered his mind and forced his pencil into motion halfway through reading a court case analysis that he really ought to have been concentrating on.

It was funny, Sendoh thought, his heart sinking, to see how different his drawings had become. At the start he'd always drawn Rukawa playing. Jump shots, runs, even a dunk or two. But his imagination had begun to meander recently. The pictures that bloomed from his hand - innocent, of course - were more domestic. Closer. Warmer. Rukawa's sleeping face, tucked up under his arm. Rukawa sitting against the wall. Rukawa gazing off into the near distance. Sendoh's reverence for Rukawa's play giving way to reverence for… something else. His mere presence. The simple fact of his existence. Sendoh's gratefulness that he could see him, talk to him, every day. Whenever he wanted. His friend. His friend.

But this-

Sendoh swallowed.

It wasn't really much, objectively speaking. There was perhaps a little… tease about it. Flirtatious. But not greatly. It was not obscene. Barely even sexual. Rukawa's eyes looking directly out of the paper. One finger pressed against his lip. One bare shoulder raised. It was… a portrait. Innocent, except for the knowledge in Sendoh's mind that it was anything but.

Most people would have considered it unremarkable. Not problematic in the least.

But the way Sendoh's blood ran cold, it seemed to him at that moment like he'd drawn something bordering on pornographic.

He reached out for it numbly, and Rukawa didn't stop him from taking it. He was unable to bear the fact that it was just laying out in the open for anyone to see. The deepest and most vulnerable feeling he'd kept hidden in his soul exposed to the entire world.

He crumpled the paper silently into a ball and shoved it deep into his pocket.

He didn't know what to say. Rukawa was looking at him, clearly expecting him to speak. Perhaps to excuse himself. Make up some innocent reason. But what could he say? He didn't feel innocent at all.

Rukawa lowered the chair legs to the floor, and turned around in the seat to see him more fully.

The silence continued, so Rukawa eventually narrowed his eyes, and slowly rose to his feet. He uncurled from his chair to match Sendoh's height. Everything about him was like a force.

He's… angry, Sendoh guessed.

Of course he's angry.

What… kind of friend… am I?

A cold feeling crept through his limbs. He felt like he'd broken something. Something that couldn't be fixed or repaired. Something precious that he'd meant to treasure, had shattered in his own hands, and now it was falling between his fingers like fragments of glass.

I told him I liked him, but he didn't return the sentiment.

So surely- he must not- accept me?

Rukawa stepped forward, absolutely silent. His eyes were so fierce that Sendoh backed right into the bookshelf.

He'd never been intimidated by Rukawa. Not like others were. Stammering Aota, and falsely-aggressive Koshino, and the staff who didn't dare confront him, and the rival teams who he blew away like a hurricane. Even though Sendoh knew that, when he turned his focus upon something, Rukawa was like a tornado flattening everything in his path. Still he… Sendoh… had never felt afraid.

But he'd never had to face Rukawa's anger before. And at this moment, Rukawa's intensity seemed like it would burn all the books to a crisp.

Rukawa came in close, putting his hands on the shelves either side of Sendoh's head to fence Sendoh in. Sendoh blinked in astonishment, breathing faster, painfully close to Rukawa's blistering strength.

"Kaede-" he said, worriedly. Their faces were inches apart.

Rukawa's eyes were full of hot bright fire. Sendoh's eyes rapidly moved over his face, trying to make sense of what was going on. He half expected to be struck. To hear a primal rumbling growl in Rukawa's throat. But Rukawa just stood there, mere inches away, waiting.

A buzz of confusion moved through Sendoh's stomach. There was that thing in him - that power and that grace that Sendoh had seen from the start. That had wound its way down into his heart like a hook.

He had always been a dumb dog laying head on paws under the tree, gazing with longing up at the cat among the branches, and wishing.

Always just… wishing.

Because.

Rukawa Kaede was beautiful.

But also.

Absolutely terrifying.

And now that the cat had noticed him there… perhaps his welcome, and his peaceful days of admiring him in secret… were over?

"What do you want?" Rukawa asked him.

Sendoh could not physically squeeze himself any further against the shelf. He squinted at Rukawa. "I'm sorry," he said. "Don't be angry. I just-"

Rukawa only shook his head silently, his eyes swimming with meaning just visible. Like a mirage. Sendoh didn't dare look too hard. That slightest flicker of… something?

Sendoh swallowed. "Kaede…"

I want... to be your friend.

Just looking at you feels greedy.

What am I supposed to do now?

This thing inside me that aches. To hold you. To possess you, even just a little piece of you. Even if just for a moment. It's... so far beyond my reach. I dare not even think of it. I couldn't... couldn't possibly...

And yet he'd dreamt of this. Of having Rukawa close to him. Of brushing hand against hand. Of lips against his neck. His eyes. The gentle rake of nails over his back. It was just so hard - so very hard - to believe it could ever be real.

"Akira," Rukawa demanded his attention.

But Sendoh didn't know. What to say. What to do. How much he dared to confess.

"Kaede, I… want to be your friend. That's… what I want. I am not… so ambitious… as to ask for more than that."

He had lied for so long. Something to deny, at all costs. To his friends. To himself. To Sawakita Eiji, in a tiny bar-side bathroom. And now. Right to Rukawa's face.

Lying to his friends cost nothing. Lying to Sawakita had cost him his peace of mind, perhaps even his pride. But lying to Rukawa was something else.

Because he wasn't prepared for the look of disappointment in Rukawa's eyes at that moment.

He felt a numb and distant sort of panic. But still he didn't know what to do.

"Oh," Rukawa said quietly, his voice hollow. He seemed to realise that their position was inappropriate, and his posture weakened. It looked to Sendoh's eyes like all the confidence and the power and the fire that he wore so well, suddenly rolled out of him. And the pieces that Sendoh had been trying so desperately to protect and treasure crumbled even faster.

The look on Rukawa's face was confused. Like he'd reached out for something, only to be stung by it.

Sendoh felt his lungs freeze in his chest.

"I thought- that you-" Rukawa muttered, drawing back again.

Unable to bear it, Sendoh's arm darted out to seize Rukawa's shoulder, gripping it tightly, causing him to still where he was. Sendoh's hands were shaking.

Rukawa lifted his eyes to meet Sendoh's.

Sendoh struggled for a moment, gazing at him like he was a rabbit between headlights.

Then, very slowly, Sendoh released his shoulder and lifted his hand to touch Rukawa's hair softly instead. Reverently. Brushing his fingers through the silken strands. "I am not so ambitious," he repeated quietly. "I cannot reach out and take what I want. I only watch you. And wish."

His fingers trailed down to Rukawa's cheek, brushing softly over his skin, gazing at him.

"But I do wish for it," he forced himself to admit quietly. "So much. So... so... much."

The final word ached.

Rukawa's eyes widened, then, rolled impatiently.

"If you want it…" Rukawa complained, "…you should take it."

"Well I-"

Rukawa adjusted his hands leaning on the bookshelves, bending his elbows. "You said you liked me."

"I do!"

Rukawa tilted his head to the side, eyes sliding closed. "We'll see," he finished, leaned forwards and kissed him.

Sendoh stood still. Astonished.

Rukawa, for his part, had not planned this at all. He was, as they say, winging it. Driven by the stupid jingle that had infected his ears - it's in his kiss.

Having Sendoh's lips pressed against his own was overwhelmingly intimate. Not like kissing Sawakita at all. That had been fun. But this… this went deep. Right down into a different part of him. Like a knife in his chest and a storm in his stomach.

He might have pulled away again if not for Sendoh's hands drifting around his waist, gently taking hold of him. The warmth of his body so close by, and the unexpected pleasantness of the touch. Because Sendoh's lips were soft, too. And when they moved, the motion riled up further fireworks in Rukawa's stomach.

Being honest, like this. Allowing Sendoh to know such things. Things he'd been so uncertain about. Things he wasn't sure he could ever admit. Surrendering, a little. They were all new sensations. Something he wasn't sure he liked. Something he wanted just the same.

Huh. Song was right.

He closed the last inch, bringing his body flush to Sendoh's. Their chests pressed together, and Sendoh's body felt hard and solid against his own.

Rukawa let go of the shelf and wound his arms around Sendoh's neck and held him as tight as he dared. Sendoh's fingers pressed hard into his back, as he tilted his head a little further, pushed a little bit deeper, parted his lips just enough to swipe his tongue against the closed door of Rukawa's mouth.

To Rukawa's own astonishment, he heard himself groan. The sound seemed unreasonably loud in the silence of the library.

Sendoh put his hands firmly on Rukawa's hips, turning them around so that Rukawa's back hit the bookshelf instead, their lips not breaking apart for a moment. They kissed deeper.

Dreaming. Sendoh guessed. I fell asleep, and I'm definitely dreaming.

Rukawa's mouth welcomed him, hot and wet and absolutely delicious. Sendoh plundered him, catching the hem of his shirt on his fingers, and sliding under it curiously. His fingers came flush with hot silken skin.

Rukawa shuddered, and did not stop him. Sendoh's hands ran curiously over the steel of Rukawa's abs, beneath his shirt, feeling each cut and groove in disbelief. Rukawa's entire body was a song to athleticism. His muscles twitched ever so slightly under Sendoh's hands. He was perfection.

Oh, my god, Sendoh thought numbly.

His hands could not stop feeling the flesh of Rukawa's sides and stomach, gripping at him, brain seeming unable to process the absolute glory of Rukawa's body.

Sendoh drew back and they gazed at each other, motionless for a moment. There was an embarrassed blush on Rukawa's cheeks, and his breath was coming short. Sendoh licked his lips, his throat suddenly dry.

Rukawa's eyes lifted, even while Sendoh was absorbed with staring at him. He reached out with two hands and seized Sendoh's own hem. Sendoh met his eyes abruptly, looking a little reticent, as if worried that his body wasn't much in comparison. But Rukawa was insistent, dragging the white shirt up and out of his trouser waistband, putting his hands beneath and onto Sendoh's bare stomach, too.

A momentary shiver ran through Sendoh. Then, impatient, Rukawa lifted both of their shirts, holding the fabric in a ball between their chests, and pulled him close so that their bare stomachs pressed tight together, a ticklish sensation of heat and skin on skin. Rukawa brought their lips against one another again, his gentle breath warm against Sendoh's mouth, his hair tousled, and his eyes hot.

I'm still dreaming, Sendoh decided, kissing his lips briefly before tipping to the side and pushing his face into Rukawa's neck instead. Rukawa shuddered, moaned softly, tilting his head as Sendoh's finger slid through his hair, tugging gently at the strands.

"Akira-" Rukawa gasped, feeling Sendoh's hot tongue pressing heavy against his skin, his hands running over Sendoh's back. The sharpness of his nails dragged with tickling scratches over his skin even through the cotton of his shirt.

"Mmm-" Sendoh, feeling reckless, took a few more moments to worry Rukawa's neck with his teeth before pulling back and looking into his eyes.

I don't want to stop. If I stop then perhaps…

...I will wake up.

And everything will dissolve.

And I'll find that nothing was real. And that I've fallen asleep at the window, watching him play. With my books. Late for class.

But it didn't dissolve. Rukawa's eyes were bright fire. Frightening in their intensity. His lips glistening. His face flushed, a little breathless. And whatever claws had Sendoh's stomach pinned in their grip, squeezed a little tighter until he could feel it in his chest. Some urge, primal and fierce, that demanded he reach out and take.

"This-" Rukawa stammered, sounding a little bit unsteady. He blinked up at Sendoh. Took a breath. "-don't stop."

Just as Sendoh was looking at him, Rukawa was looking right back. His eyes tracing Sendoh's handsome features, the easy motions of his hunger, the way his body seemed so effortlessly to stir such impossible sensations in Rukawa. And then his eyes. Glittering skies. Hotter and more ferocious than Rukawa had even seen them.

Sendoh pushed forward and kissed him hard. Rukawa tipped back a little, giving way. He felt Sendoh's hand push around his hip and press firmly into the small of his back, making the two of them press their hips into one another. Rukawa gasped into his mouth.

Sendoh's hand moved purposefully downwards, causing every hair on Rukawa's body to stand up. He felt as if he were melting. Unable to focus his eyes he let them slide closed, feeling the shape of Sendoh's smirk pressed there against his lips.

The ache in him was agonising. He was so aroused he thought he might burn up.

Sendoh's hand slid down until he was cupping Rukawa's ass purposefully, lifting an absolute storm in Rukawa's gut. He was more and more convinced he was going to collapse. Sink to his knees on the library floor, a hopeless, trembling mess. But Sendoh's weight pushing him backwards kept him upright despite the weakness in his knees. And Sendoh's mouth so hot and insistent over his own kept him firmly awake.

But it was not just a matter of his body's impulses. It was his mind, too. Sendoh Akira. Something about his name, drifting through his mind, made his heart beat faster, made the pleasure in him spike. The underdog. The underdog- that was what they called him.

How stupid they were.

Sendoh Akira was no dog. He was all wolf.

Rukawa felt like he was turning to liquid.

But eventually, reluctantly, they broke apart.

They were both breathless. Sendoh's hand holding Rukawa tightly, dragging him closer. Dawn eyes fixed upon wolfish ones. Pulled together by some fierce magnetism. Keeping apart by force of will.

We have to stop, thought one.

If we carry on like this… thought the other. I won't be able to control myself.

Besides, they both thought together. We're in the goddamn library.

"Kaede?" Sendoh whispered, eyes soft.

"Mm."

"Am I awake?"

Rukawa tilted his head. "Yes."

"Ah-" Sendoh smiled. "-I was just checking."

Sendoh drew Rukawa away from the bookshelf so that he was standing upright on his own unsteady feet. He could not seem to resist touching him. His hands were in his hair, brushing over his shoulders, making connections between their bodies at every chance. Wanting more and more. To explore him. To have him. Rukawa didn't mind - leaning into his touch.

"So uhm-" Sendoh asked him. "Do you… go want to play some ball?"

"Okay," Rukawa said vaguely in agreement, giving a small nod, seeming a little dazed.

Sendoh smiled and lowered his hand to gently rest on Rukawa's shoulder, then his arm, then his waist. His fingers tingled a little.

"Kaede I-" he hesitated a little. "I do really like you."

Silence.

"I still really want to be your friend."

Still no response.

"But… I..."

Rukawa interrupted him by stepping closer and dropping his head onto Sendoh's shoulder affectionately.

"I really really really want," Rukawa said, "you."

Sendoh blushed. "Really?"

"Really really," Rukawa confirmed.

"Oh, that's-" Sendoh swallowed, frightened by the intensity of this huge, hot balloon of thrill that was expanding in his chest at a rate that made him think he was about to burst. "That's… good."

"So… do you have a ball?"

"Uh-" Sendoh frowned in realisation. He hadn't brought a ball.

Rukawa blinked slowly at him. "You've got one… at home… right?"

"Ah. Yes. Right. We can just… go back and…" Sendoh trailed off.

He thought of his flat. His room. His bed. Just him and Kaede and this… feeling. He immediately flushed red.

Rukawa squeezed his hand. "Let's go?"

Sendoh squeezed Rukawa's hand back again. "Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let's… go."

-tbc

ANs: I originally intended to split this into chapters, but I don't want to drag out the ending any longer. Just a couple more to go to tie up ;) as always, thanks for reading!

Kaede4ever: Sorry for the delay, as always, hahaha T.T

Guest: I'm really glad you're enjoying the story! :D

Rik: aww thanks- I'm experimenting by writing some simple scenarios in this fic. Trying to experience the little moments that make up a romance ;) first time going to a club is fun growing-up experience haha!

2003Reader: thank you for speaking up and seeking to defend all the authors on this site :)

other guests: thank you for your messages - I decided to block all reviews for a period of time so some comments were not shown, but I read and appreciate your messages of concern and encouragements

senru711: great to see a new name - thanks for reviewing and reading along!

blockspace: I admire your energy in defending your friend ;) glad I could meet a new senru fan like you

Well, I'm just here to write senru fics. So I'm gonna do that ;)