Yeah...this came out of nowhere. Been dealing with some real life shit so I wanted to write a shorter, lighter chapter based on some jokes made in the previous chapters about Weiss and Blake's antics with Jaune.

On a side note, a bunch of people were pretty against Bumblebee at worst or Neutral to it at best. A few liked it, but they were the exception. Odd, thought it was the most popular fandom pairing.

Jaune Arc wanted it known that he blamed Blake for all of this.

It had started off as rumors at first. Jaune was used to those; people still thought he was either the team's sex slave or some nefarious mastermind trying to make a harem out of Beacon's premier Huntress team. Whatever, the ones who mattered all knew the truth. He was best friends with Ruby and Yang...and fake dating Blake...and fake dating Weiss...and Yang had made comments about joining in just cause she felt left out.

But yes, apart from him fake dating half his team and his absolutely tattered reputation in Beacon, things were going great.

...Until that day.

Jaune was just wandering around Beacon killing time when it happened, "There you are!" He turned around only to get nearly tackled off his feet by a very pretty girl with dirty blonde hair wearing a green dress. She wrapped both arms around his right side giggled, a bright smile on her face. At any other time he would've thought himself lucky, but right now all he could think about was Ruby. She'd been put out for some reason ever since Blake and Weiss refused to just tell their parents the truth.

Well, that and everyone assuming she was Ms. Steal Yo Man ever since a guy she saved during the Breach dumped his girlfriend to professo his undying love to her.

"Wha-"

"I told you we were gonna meet my parents today!" she said over him, and he saw the far too familiar tinge of desperation in her eyes. Oh no, he'd seen that look before.

Sure enough her parents soon came by and she started babbling on and on about how they met and how it was practically love at first sight despite her being one of the Shade Academy transfer students. Every time he tried to speak up she'd talk louder or quicker and his attempts to get away were met with her claming around his arm like a bear trap. The girl was desperate.

The parents seemed to approve of him, which would've been flattering if this wasn't the third time this happened already.

He could only watch as the girl said goodbye to her parents and promised to meet up later. As soon as they rounded the corner she let go of his arm heaved a sigh of relief, "The the gods that's over."

"...What the hell was that all about?" Jaune asked.

"Huh?"

"We're dating now?"

"Oh, that was just a bluff. The name's Dew, by the way. Dew Gayle.

"Jaune Arc. Short, sweet, rolls of the- wait, that's not the point!" he shouted, "I know it was a bluff because I've never even seen you before we started 'going out'! I'm asking why you did that!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, we didn't even discuss your fee." She brought out her wallen and got a hundred lien note, "Is that enough? I'm not really sure how much services like these cost."

"I don't get paid to fake date girls!"

"You don't? Wait, so you're doing this for free? Thanks!"

"That's not what-" Jaune took a deep breath to just keep himself from exploding, "Why do you think I'm fake dating girls?"

"We heard Schnee and Belladonna talking about it in the lockers. They're both 'dating' you, right?"

"Well yeah, but that's not-"

"So I figured I could do the same for just a bit," she continued, cutting him off again, "Don't worry, you don't have to go meet up for family dinners or anything. I just needed an excuse cause I told my parents I had a boyfriend when they asked why I skipped out on them last week. Me and the girls were actually partying down in Vale, but mom and dad are kinda strict."

"So they won't let you party but they will let you have a boyfriend?" Jaune asked. He'd given up on trying to make sense of the whole thing.

"Normally they wouldn't like it either, but...well, just look at you!" Dew gestured up and down. Jaune looked at her blankly, "You're an average student, you're above average in looks at best, and apparently you come from a family of winemakers out in the country. You're harmless, like...like a puppy in human form." That wasn't the compliment she thought it was, "Any parent would think you were a good guy."

"...I gotta go." Gods, what the hell was going on? Was the world always this stupid and did he just not notice it?

"Wait, before you go my other teammates need your help too! They-"

And that was all he could take before he ran all the way back to his room. The door to team RWBY-J's domicile slammed open and all four of his friends, teammates, and second family looked up at his sudden entrance, "Woah there, Grimm Slayer, where's the fire?" Yang joked. He let her get away with it cause she was one of the two people in this room he was currently mad at.

"Weiss, Blake, you both suck."

Blake cocked a brow, all too used to their sniping, while Weiss looked extremely offended. She slammed her book shut and stood, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"What's wrong, Jaune?" Ruby, his best friend in the world, asked worriedly.

"What's wrong is that these two-" He pointed to Blake and Weiss, "-were apparently talking about how good of a fake boyfriend I am and now people think I'm some kind of beard for hire!" To her credit, Weiss looked at least slightly ashamed, though that might have just been because of Ruby's glare. Blake, of course, looked like she did nothing wrong at all while Yang was full on belly laughing.

"Oh my gods, are you serious?!" Yang cried.

"Dead serious! One of the Shade transfer students literally just did it before I got here and she said her whole team could use my 'services' too!" Jaune shouted, "She even tried to pay me!"

"...Did you take the cash?"

"No!" Jaune shouted at the other blonde.

"Weak. If you're gonna be a himbo then you should at least be getting paid for it." Yang scoffed.

"Yang, stop talking about him like that!" Ruby shouted, rising to his defense. Truly she was the best girl of the team, "Ugh, Jaune is right, you two suck! This wouldn't have happened if you were just honest!"

"Not everyone's father is as understanding as yours, Ruby," Weiss defended feebly.

"Agreed." Blake nodded.

"Hey, you don't get to use that! Your parents are great!" Jaune said.

Blake, ever the worst girl, shifted tracks, "And it's because they're so great that we shouldn't disappoint them." She crossed her arms, "Besides, I'm one of your best friends and you owe me for everything I've done for you. I think paying me back like this is more than fair."

"...I also helped improve your grades, so I believe too is more than fair," Weiss said quickly.

"Oh no, not you, Weiss." Jaune groaned, "You were the chosen one. You were supposed to stop the Worst Girl, not join her."

"You're both terrible friends!" Ruby shouted.

"I think we're losing track here," Yang said, "Remember the whole thing about lover boy here being a himbo for hire?"

"Why didn't you just tell the truth?" Ruby asked.

"I tried. Every time I tried to say something she just talked over me and when I tried to just leave she held onto my arm like a vice. It would've come right off the socket if I kept pulling." His Aura might've actually been damaged. He was too scared to check, "She said her team wanted my 'help' too, and you all know how fast dumb rumors spread around Beacon. I wouldn't be surprised if the teachers know about this already."

"Then I'll stick with you so they'll back off!" Ruby said. Oh, she was such an amazing friend. He wondered if they could be more than that.

"Eh...not sure that's gonna work, sis." Yang clicked her tongue, "Everyone thinks you're some devious boyfriend stealing mastermind. If you hang around him they might actually go after Jaune more cause they think you like him and it's karma or something if you NTRed. You know some girls are already blaming you for their breakups? Apparently they think your NTR energy is destroying couples or something."

"That's...That's so dumb!" Ruby shouted.

"We're in a school full of teenagers. What did you expect?" Yang raised a brow, "Either way I wouldn't worry too much. Think about it, how many girls around here you think actually need a fake boyfriend."

...

"You know you just jinxed it, right, Yang?" Blake asked.

Yang just grinned.

Jaune groaned like a zombie as he was led to the nearest store by the hand. Turned out a lot of Huntresses needed fake boyfriends. Sometimes it was to lie to their parents, sometimes it was to brag to their friends outside Beacon; cause now everyone inside Beacon knew about his 'business'. And it was a business now, cause apparently Huntresses really didn't know how to take no for an answer and he wasn't going to get dragged around for free.

He couldn't help but think this would've looked a lot more off-putting if he was a girl being dragged around by guys.

His latest client, for lack of a better word, was one Coco Adel. Apparently she came from a pretty well-off Valean family that didn't know she A. only like girls and B. was already dating one Velvet Scarlatina. Cue one Jaune Arc to the 'rescue', again cause apparently no one in this school was ever taught the meaning of the word 'no'. Either that or they just really wanted to stick it to Ruby in particular.

Oh Gods, Ruby was his one sanctuary in the cavalcade of insanity. She'd been so kind and understood that it wasn't his fault that no one on Beacon outside of the two of them and team PRMN would pass a sanity check. At least everyone on their sister team was dating their partners. If he had to pretend to date either Pyrrha or Nora his head would probably explode.

His payment for this little charade was Coco giving him fashion advice and even buying his clothes. Right now he felt more like a sugar baby than anything, but at least this time it was something he could use. He was planning to ask out Ruby and he wanted to look his very best. At least looking good for the girl he actually wanted to date made him feel less like an idiot.

"Hm..." Coco looked him up and down as she circled him. The hooded tweed jacket, fancy denim pants, and leather shoes wasn't part of his usual reportoir, but that was kind of the point. The price was also pretty expensive even with his new (forced) job, but again Coco was paying for everything; mostly cause he actually had to go to dinner with her parents and talk to her dad about man things like hunting and camping.

"What do you think?"

"Looks pretty good." She nodded, face hidden behind her shades, "Of course it'd look better if you let me change that hair up a bit. I've got this design to shorten it and spike it up top-"

"No." Something told him that way lied madness, "Look, I really appreciate this. Me and Ruby really need to go out for a date."

"Still not sure why you're sticking around her. You've heard the rumors."

"None of which are true." He glared at her.

"I dunno, I've been seeing a lot of girls crying in the lockers, but hey, it's your funeral." She shrugged, ignoring Jaune's offended look, "I'll call you if me and Bun-Bun need your services again."

"I really hope not..."

He went back to Beacon and fast-walked to his room, afraid that if he lingered any longer someone would come up and ask for a fake marriage next. Team RWBY-J were all at the dorm, but his attention was solely focused on Ruby. The Silver Eyed girl was sitting at her bed reading a comic, though it was clear she was in a bad mood. Not at him, but at everything. She did actually try to use herself as a deterrent the day after he told them what happened.

If anything, it only made them even more eager. Yang was right.

"Nice duds, lover boy." Yang whistled.

"Indeed. It's nice to see you out of that hoodie for once." Weiss smiled.

"That'd mean a whole lot more if you weren't one of the reasons I'm now a beard for hire." He didn't hate Weiss and Blake, but it was hard not to be sour when they were the reason he was in this mess. Oh well, nothing for it now, "Actually, Ruby, could we talk? I was hoping..."

"What's wrong, Jaune?" She set down her comic and looked down at him worriedly.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just..." He coughed, "I know it might seem super weird considering what's happening now, but would you like to...go out with me?"

Silver eyes widened for just a second before her mouth split in wide grin and she happily yelled, "Yes! I'll go out with you, Ja-

That was as far as she got before the door to their room opened. Jaune turned around and nearly had a heard attack. At the door stood a woman that could only be described as pure evil. Her skin and hair were chalky white and she was dressed in a long, flowing black dress. That coupled with the veins on her face and her red and black eyes only added to that feeling that he was staring evil head on.

"Th-That's Salem!" Ruby shouted. With a burst of Semblance-enhanced speed, she dashed in front of him and hefted her scythe, eyes alight with Maiden power. The others weren't far behind, weapons ready and magic burning.

"Hold, children." Salem said. Her voice was soft and echoing, "I did not come here to fight."

"Somehow I doubt that." Blake snarled, "You're here to kill the Maidens, aren't you?"

The Queen of all Grimm scoffed, "Ozma's castoffs are of no concern to me. I am here for him." And then she pointed right at him. Jaune actually did have a heart attack, but Aura kept him standing. He didn't know if that was good or bad.

"I won't let you hurt him!" Ruby snarled, the red flames around her eyes turning silver.

"Hurt him? If I wished to do that I would've sent Tyrian after him. No, I am here for another reason." She looked him in the eyes and he froze, trying not to empty his kidneys right then and there, "Jaune Arc. I am in need of your services."

...

What?

Just like that, all tension in the room evaporated, leaving nothing but utter confusion in its weake. Ruby still looked murderously protective while Yang, Weiss and Blake just looked between them as if they were watching a car crash in slow motion.

"...What?" Jaune managed to say.

"Your services. I've heard that you provide fake relationships for clients."

"Are you...are you kidding me?!" Ruby shouted. It was a miracle her powers hadn't destroyed the room in her rage. Past the open windows he saw tornadoes in the distance, "You came here from your evil lair because you want him to pretend to be your boyfriend?!"

"The more appropriate term would be lover, but yes." She nodded shamlessly, "I've heard many things about you, Jaune Arc. Your reputation precedes you. Even the Grimmlands tell stories of your excellent service."

"How?! There's literally only Grimm over there!" Ruby shouted, looking close to losing all of her sanity entirely.

Salem ignored her and continued, "I wish for you to pretend to be my lover in order to make Ozma jealous." They all looked at her in confusion and she sighed, "I believe you know him by the name Ozpin. Honestly, that man, what is the point of changing your name?"

"How do you know the headmaster?" Weiss asked, eyes narrowed.

"He did not tell you?" Salem raised a brow, "Then I will not do so either; better to feed your paranoia." Uh...it kinda killed the point when she said it out loud, but he wasn't brave enough to correct her, "Regardless, I do still require your services."

"There's no way-"

"What are you willing to offer in exchange?" Weiss asked, cutting Ruby off. The red haired reaper gave the heiress a look of utter betrayal.

"I would offer money, but I know that is of no interest to the likes of you." Salem steepled her hands together, "Instead I will offer an accord. In exchange for Jaune Arc's assistance, I will halt all my plans for the next one thousand years. Ozma will no longer have to worry about my machinations in that time period."

"And how do we know you're not just waiting for us to die so we don't kick your ass?" Yang raised a brow.

"I do not fear Ozma's Castoffs." Salem scoffed again, "As to how you know I will keep my word, this is not the first accord I've made. Ozma and I have made such deals in our long war, however rarely, and we both abide by our agreements. There are few things that immortals abide, but this is one of them."

"You're willing to stop all your plans for a thousand years just to try and make the headmaster jealous?" Blake asked.

"You act as if that time matters to me. I've existed in this world since before Man evolved and before the Faunus even existed. A thousand years might seem a long time for you, but for one such as myself it is nothing more than a reprieve; one that I'm all too willing to pay for Jaune Arc's services." She looked to him again, "Do we have an agreement, Jaune Arc?"

"I-"

"Hold on a second," Weiss cut in, "I believe that there's room for negotiations here. Jaune's services are valuable and he is in high demand."

"That is sensible." Salem nodded, ignoring the fact that it made no sense at all, "Very well, let us negotiate terms."

"Weiss...are you serious?" Ruby asked softly.

"I'm sorry, Ruby, but this is for the greated good," Weiss said firmly.

"No one's gonna ask how I feel about this? I did just kinda ask Ruby out," Jaune asked, though he already knew the answer.

"Greater good," Weiss said again.

Negotiations took half an hour. It was odd and more than a little scary to watch Weiss and the Queen of All Grimm hashing out terms for his 'service'. Poor Ruby looked like she'd just been kicked in the gut. Not only was she denied an epic final battle with the source of all evil but now she had to watch the guy she agreed to go on a date on agree to a fake relationship with said Evil Incarnate.

"I believe we've come to agreeable terms," Weiss said, "Salem has agreed to halt her plans for the next three thousand years and that this agreement will continue if and when team RWBY-J continues with our plans to destroy her. However, she does have the right to self-defense in the case." She flipped to another page, "In exchange, Jaune Arc of Domremy is hereby required to fake a relationship with her for the next year in order to make headmaster Ozpin - Ozma - jealous. This includes being at her beck and call every day and "

"A whole year?" Ruby moaned.

"I am giving three thousand, what is but one?" Salem asked coolly.

"Weiss...you just became Jaune's pimp. I hope you realize that," Yang said. For once she wasn't smiling.

"We gave the world three thousand years of guaranteed peace. I can live with that." Weiss wrinkled her nose.

Salem hummed, "Come along, Jaune Arc. I believe we must now 'hold hands'."

The rest of team RWBY gasped. That was another thing; a weird amount of girls thought holding hands was apparently worse than, you know, actually faking a relationship. Coco was an exception, and that was probably because she didn't swing that way. He didn't get it. Either way he held Salem's offered hand and tried not to think about how cold her skin felt.

Ruby cried and got down into a fetal position.

"I will be in your care for the next year, Jaune Arc."

Poor Ruby. Jaune gets roped into being a fake boyfriend and she has to watch her crush constantly get dragged around by other girls. And then, just as she's about to get a happy ending, Salem swoops in and basically forces her to watch as her future boyfriend gets taken from her. For someone known as the NTR Queen, she's the one who keeps getting cucked.

Oh well, at least Jaune saved the world for three thousand years. That's kinda being a hero if you think about it.

Originally Jaune and Ruby were already supposed to be dating, but I cut it out since it made no sense that Jaune wouldn't literally shout over the girls that he was taken in that scenario. I was also gonna show Salem trying and failing to make Ozpin jealous and her ramping shit up like Worst Girl Blake, but I think it's better left to the imagination what happens between her and Jaune for the next year.

Questions:

1. So I'm curious, should I tone down Blake and Jaune's pissing matches? I wonder if it seems in poor taste now that Jaune has started hearing Adam's voice in his head. Additonally, should I have Blake's lie finally unfold and put the gag to rest or keep it going?

2. I'm tempted to have the cast temporarily transfer to a different academy post-Vytal and I'm torn between Atlas or Mistral. Any preferences? The former would focus more on Ironwood and Weiss while the latter focuses more on Cinder's faction along with Jaune and Ruby.

3. So since people dislike Bumblebee so much, what do you guys think of a reader's suggestion about pairing Coco and Yang? I could see the two playing off well together and I might be able to show some interactions with team CFVY.

Review Answers:

Tohu - Neither, just curious on what people thought.

jfrost22792 - Jaune's life sucks in almost every omake except All-Maiden Pyrrha :P

jester3423377 - Depends on how inheriting more than one power works.

Raj8 - Really? I kinda based it off of how she and Jaune interacted in Headmaster Arc when she really gets into the White Fang shenanigans. Headmaster Jaune even treats her as the problem child that he has to deal with.

Spartastic 4 - Maybe in canon, but here they do kinda point out Raven has killed god knows how many innocent people, which a future Huntress like Yang would definitely be against. We see their handiwork in V4 so it's not a stretch that those aware of Raven think she's a bastard.

FROZTDOULUO - Eh, no harems since it reeks of wish fulfillment. That's why they're not present outside of omakes.

Drasser - Yeah, Mercury x Pyrrha is just a weird crack ship. That and used to imply Pyrrha is weird since she has no issue wanting to date a near-sociopathic assassin.

sos - Maybe, but I do still wanna hear audience's thoughts since they're the ones reading. I do put my foot down, such as with the No Harem rule.

Chuck B. Winanaki - She continues because she already told Jacques a lie. If she backslides Jacques will know she lied to him, which would put her on thin ice.

MASTER T-Rex - Weapon gifts can come later; they just rebuilt Crocea Mors, after all. As for Cardin, we'll see later ;)