"Doo-dee-doo-doo-doo... Doo-dee-doo-doo-doo..." The little green and yellow duckling wandered through the halls of the Pacific Princess. "Wow, this is a pretty ship!" He commented in his high-pitched, garbled voice. "I wonder where the show is..."

A fox wearing a striped sweater stepped around the corner. "You want to know where the show is?" He repeated back to the startled little duck. "Well, today's show starts with a cartoon, Fibber Fox in 'A Duck For Dinner!'" He scooped the duck up with one hand. "And the curtain's going up right now!"

He popped the duck in his mouth. Moments later, a hand shot out of the shadows, grabbing the fox's neck and squeezing until his mouth popped open and his tongue, with the little duck standing on its tip, protruded.

The little duck looked up at his rescuer. "Gee," he said, hopping down and flapping his wings to drop gently to the floor. "Thanks, Brother Otis!"

"No problem, Brother Yakky!" The solemn-faced Odd Squad agent replied. "Any time!"

"Brother Yakky? Brother Otis?" The confused fox squirmed in Otis' grip. "What is this, the Forest Friends Freemasons?"

"Never mind that," Otis growled at him. "Get lost! And don't bother any more ducks!"

He threw him down the hall. Fibber Fox slammed upside-down against the far wall, slid down, and rolled to a stop. "Oh, I WON'T, I WON'T!" He lay there, trying to get his bearings. "I'm strictly a chicken fox from now on!"

In the distance, a voice was heard...

"Lum-dum-dum-dah-dah-dee-dum-dum... Doo-dah, doo-dah!"

"Well, speak of the devil!" Fibber Fox scrambled to his feet. "I've gotta see a chicken about a dinner! If you'll excuse me..."

He fled.

"Good to see you again, Brother Otis!" the little duck was saying to the agent. "It's been too long!"

"It has, Brother Yakky!" Otis shook the duckling's wing. "But where's your bulldog friend Chopper? Doesn't he usually protect you in situations like this?"

"He does, yeah!" Yakky answered. "But somebody stole his necktie!"

A grey bulldog peeked out from behind a potted plant.

"I can't let no one see me like this!" He exclaimed. "It's embarrassing!"

Otis blinked. "Um... Okay..."

Yakky shrugged. "I don't even know why he wears a tie in the first place..."

"It makes me easier to animate!" Chopper stared imploringly at the Odd Squad agent. "C'mon, buddy! C'n ya help a fella out? We're late for the show!"

Sighing, Otis searched his pockets. "I think I might have a spare..."

#

Meanwhile, the OSMU agents sat at their table looking at one another in total bewilderment.

"What was THAT supposed to be about?" Osmerelda asked.

"I am not sure," Orla shrugged. "Perhaps he is trying to build suspense."

Oswald sighed. "Yeah, it's a lot easier to build suspense if your audience is actually WAITING for something! Just GET ON with it!"

"Ssh!" Omar shushed the others. "It's starting..."

#

Jackie Jokers walked out in front of a closed curtain. He glanced at the audience, down at the notes in his hand, then walked over to the curtain.

"Everything ready back there?" he asked in a low voice.

Backstage. "WHAT?"

Jackie sighed, then asked again, "Is everything ready?"

"IS EVERYTHING WHAT?"

"READY!" Jackie shouted back. "READY! IS EVERYTHING READY?" Catching himself, he looked at the audience. "Heh..."

"OH YEAH, YEAH! SURE! NO, WAIT!" Short pause. "OKAY, WE'RE READY!"

Jackie smiled apologetically at the audience, cleared his throat, and walked to his mark. "And now, folks! At last, what you've all been waiting for! The immortal stars of the Broadway stage Funt and Mundane! In this very special and very rare performance, the team will be recreating scenes from their beloved classic, FORBIDDEN DESSERT!"

"DESIRE!" Funt hissed from behind the curtain. "It's FORBIDDEN DESIRE, you little hack!"

"FORBIDDEN DESIRE!" Jackie corrected himself. He glared at the curtain and made a face. "They should have forbidden him dessert... Guy barely fits in his bathrobe..."

"It is a dressing gown, you uncultured little..."

"Whatever..." Jackie rolled his eyes.

He turned and found himself confronted by an elderly cartoon squirrel with a bowler hat and matching umbrella.

She looked him over. "You remind me of a very young Steve Rossi." Then she turned and left.

"I... What?" A stick from the wings nudged him. "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Ladies and gentlemen, FORBIDDEN DESIRE!"

Jackie Jokers hurried offstage as the curtain opened to reveal a stage set to suggest an upper-class New York apartment, circa the mid-1920's.

Funt strode confidently onstage to thunderous applause, which he stopped to acknowledge. After bowing several times, he hurried over to pick up a framed photograph on an end table.

"Oh!" He proclaimed, twirling across the stage as he held the photo at arm's length. "I can scarcely wait to gaze lovingly upon you again, Melissa, my flower, my jewel, my precious, precious angel! For though we may come from two very different worlds and the world might object to our union, nothing, I swear, nothing will ever keep us apart!"

There was a pause as he looked expectantly at the prop phone. After a moment or two, it rang. Funt scowled murderously at the sound-effects guy off-stage, then answered it, pasting a smile on his face.

"Melissa! Melissa, at last, it's really you! What's that? You're in the lobby downstairs? You're on your way up? You... You say you have something important to tell me?" This was all said in an unbroken string of proclamations straight at the audience. "Yes, yes, my darling! I shall be waiting!"

He hung up the prop phone. In the audience, Joshua buried his face in his hands.

Meanwhile, Funt was busy ACTING! "What could she have to tell me? Oh, I hope there's nothing amiss!" He struck a dramatic pose, gnawing his knuckle.

Then the cartoon squirrel was back. She climbed up on the couch to stare the actor in the face.

"You remind me of a very old Moochie Corcoran."

"Get off the stage!" he hissed as he hustled her offstage. "Get off! Get off! Get off!" He shoved her into the wings.

Just as he finished, there was a knock on the fake apartment door. He hurried over and struck a pose.

"Melissa!" He ran his hand over his hair and smoothed down his toupee. "Is that you, beloved?"

"Yes!" Ms. Mundane's voice announced. " Oh, Adolphe! I must speak to you! It's simply dreadful!"

"Dreadful, you say?" He did a worried look, then rushed to the liquor cabinet stage right, where the champagne glasses were indeed in place. "Come in, my darling! The door is open! I'll fix us a drink!"

The door opened and a baboon wearing an elegant evening dress, a blond wig, and pumps entered. She twirled and struck a glamorous pose while the audience gasped.

Funt was standing with his back to her so he hadn't realized anything was off. "Now my dear, what is this all about?"

"Oh! Oh, it's too dreadful, Adolphe!" The baboon struck a poignant pose. "My husband Leopold simply refuses to agree to a divorce! Oh, he's such a beast!"

"Indeed!" The actor mimed pouring champagne into the two glasses. "Such foolish pride! Can't he understand you've evolved past him?"

"He's just an animal!" The baboon wailed, unable to imagine why she was getting laughs. "Oh Adolphe! Ever since we met on that safari, you have been the only man for me!"

"And you're the only girl for me!" He turned to face her. "Oh, MelissAAAACK!"

He stared in shock as the baboon glided gracefully toward him. "Every moment away from you is sheer torture!" She embraced him. "Kiss me, my darling!"

All the color drained from the actor's face. He tore himself free and handed her a glass.

"A drink, my... pet?" Funt said, wincing.

"Oh! Champagne!" She mimed drinking from the glass. "How I love it! But what we will do about my husband!"

"I... I... I..." Funt didn't dare move a single muscle on his face. "Wuh-wuh-well, my sweet... It's certainly nothing to monkey around with!" He attempted discreet hand signals which just confused her.

"It..." The baboon stared at him. That wasn't his line. "Do you mean..." She crossed the set, determined to stick to the script. "Do you mean we should do away with him?"

"I... I fear it's the only way!" The actor was sweating profusely and angrily glaring at Joshua to Do Something. Joshua cheerfully pretended not to notice.

The baboon, meanwhile, stopped at a mirror. She looked at her reflection a moment, then adjusted her wig. "But murder is such a drastic step!" She turned back to the mirror, noticed a bit of lettuce between her teeth, and licked it away. "I mean, it..." She looked at the mirror again. Then it hit her. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!"

Oswald discretely zapped her with a gadget. She returned to her human form in the midst of her hysterics.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS? I...I..."

Then she saw her own reflection was back. She ran her fingers across her now-smooth skin, almost sobbed with relief, then got back to the play.

"I mean, if we're discovered... It would mean the chair!"

She turned dramatically to where her co-star should be... and he wasn't there. She searched the stage frantically before she finally spotted the toddler waddling about wearing only a diaper and an oversized toupee.

"Twue!" The toddler sipped from his champagne glass as he paced the stage. "But wouwd death be any wowse than the agony we's wiwing now?" He paused, licking his lips and flexing his mouth. "Wiwing. Wiw... Wiv..."

This time Oswald didn't have to do anything. The actor changed all by himself. As did the actress.

"Oh. Adolphe," the bleached blonde recited flatly, snapping her gum. "I am afraid." She paused, then placed the back her hand on her forehead, her mismatched bracelets jangling loudly. She teetered on her stiletto heels as she minced across the stage, her too-tight skirt binding her knees together. "It is such a drastic step."

"Now-a don't you a-worry about a ting," the potbellied little man in the cheap suit whose sad little mustache matched his toupee but not his real hair told her. "Wee'll take-a care of your husband a-jeefy queeick!"

Oswald zapped the actor, Osmerelda the actress. They returned to normal, panic-stricken and clinging to one another.

Taking a deep breath, she began her next line. "P-P-Perhaps if I could slip something into..."

"Aw, forget it!"

A strange voice came out of nowhere. The actors looked around, trying to find who was talking.

Finally, the actor's toupee sprouted legs and crawled down his face.

"I've had enough of this nonsense! I'm leaving!"

A slightly higher voice: "Me too!"

The actress' wig hopped off her head and landed on the floor next to the toupee, which had slithered down Funt's leg and was squirming across the stage.

"C'mon, Marge, let's go get an egg-cream..."

Funt stared at the two sentient hairpieces, aghast. Mundane behind him fainted dead away.

The wig and toupee disappeared into the shadows.

"It's a rotten play anyway..."

Finally, Funt regained his voice.

"CURTAIN! CURTAIN, YOU IDIOTS, CURTAIN!"

The curtains closed.

Out in the audience, Gladys Kravitz sat next to her slumbering husband, thoroughly confused.

"That can't be how it's supposed to go..."

Joshua looked at the Odd Squad agents, smiling broadly.

"That was fun!"

The elderly squirrel was staring at Oswald. "You remind me of a very middle-aged Johnny Whittaker."

A smaller, cuter squirrel came over, took the old squirrel's hand, and gently led her away.

"Come on, Aunt Slappy. Back to the canasta tournament..."

Jackie Jokers emerged from the wings.

"Well, uh, that was certainly... An unusual performance!" He forced a smile. "Let's give 'em a hand! Funt and Mundane!"

From offstage, Funt's voice: "Don't patronize us!"

Jackie coughed. "So... Uhhh..." Someone handed him a note. "Oh! Okay. We'll be serving dinner shortly so if you could let the waiters know if you had the chicken, the shrimp, or the vegetable lasagna..."

#

Soon, everyone was munching away at their chosen entree and Jackie Jokers was struggling to get the show back on track.

"Uh... So... Been quite a show so far, eh? Nothing like this in Atlantic City..." He coughed. "Anyway, some light music for your dining enjoyment: Ladies and gentlemen, Wayne and Wanda!"

A young singing couple strolled out in Preppie Chic accompanied by a music vamp. Wayne began...

"Why do birds suddenly appear

Every time you are near?

Just like me

They long to be

Close t..."

A screeching hawk swooped down, seized Wayne in its talons, and flew away with him.

"YAAAAAAAAA!"

"WAYNE! WAYNE!"

The agents exchanged looks. Finally, Omar shrugged.

"I'll go..."

He pulled out a gadget and went off after the hawk.

Meanwhile, Wanda was frantically tap-dancing. Jackie Jokers came out and shooed her off the stage.

"Well, I think we all sensed that was gonna happen. So now, for our next act... Ladies and gentlemen, The Impossibles!"

A trio of guitar-strumming moptops took the stage.

#

Meanwhile out in the audience, Osmerelda was looking at her fellow agents.

"This is the first time I've been in one of this guy's fanfics..."

"You were in the Christmas story last year," Orla reminded her.

"Well, aside from that." She watched the giant hawk circling overhead, Wayne struggling in its grip, Omar running around the room trying to get a bead on it. "Are they always this... disorganized?"

A turquoise colored man covered in leaves ran past them.

"MOISTURE! I NEED MOISTURE!"

Oswald didn't even look up as he zapped him away. "Pretty much, yeah..."

She considered this. "How many more chapters?"

Oswald shrugged.

Sighing miserably, Osmerelda slumped on the table.

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child..."

The incredibly pale, wan woman in the skin-tight, overlong dress at the table next to theirs perked up.

"Oh, that sounds delicious!" She turned to the bewildered waiter. "I'll have one of those, please."

"I think I'll join you!" The shifty-eyed man in the pinstripe suit next to her said. "Make it two!" He called to the hairless man in the monk's robe across from him. "Fester, old man! Care to make it unanimous?"

The bald man shook his head. "My tummy's bothering me. Could I just have a bowl of used dishwater and a Diet Sprite?"

"And...a... Diet... Sprite..." Grover wrote down the order on his notepad. "I will be so happy when Charley's re-opens..."

#

The trio introduced as The Impossibles swayed on the odd little platform they brought onto the stage, played their electric guitars, and sang in harmony.

"Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place

Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place

Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place

Let's go down to Mary's place..."

Osmerelda sat staring at them. "I think they're stuck "

Orla quietly ground her teeth. "If they wish to visit this Mary, I wish that they would go already!"

Oswald rubbed his hands over his face. "For every worthwhile band the Beatles inspired, ten bands like this came along..."

"Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place

Let's go down to Mary's place..."

Omar returned and took his chair. "Okay... Took care of the hawk... Wayne's a little scratched up but he'll be okay." He turned to the stage. "What'd I miss?"

"These gentlemen wish to visit the place of a person called Mary," Orla explained. "So far, they have added nothing more to their story."

Oswald had produced a book. "Lester Bangs calls them a major force in the late Sixties proto-bubblegum pop scene whose popularity was eventually eroded by their limited musicianship and overly simplistic lyrics."

Omar watched the band a moment.

"Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place..."

"No kidding."

Oswald continued to reading. "Apparently, their early hit 'Hey You, Hiddy Hiddy Ho' was a huge influence on The Archies..."

Osmerelda pondered. "Hey You, Hid...?"

"Please don't make me say it again," Oswald begged.

When the door was kicked open by a costumed woman brandishing a pair of laser-pistols, the team was almost grateful.

"Nobody move!" The woman demanded. Her chef's hat tumbled off the back of her head; busy with other things, she just let it fall. "This is a heist!"

Gladys Kravitz screamed in terror. Abner tried to comfort her.

Jumping to his feet, Captain Stubing confronted her. "What do you want? Our money? Our jewelry?"

"Hardly!" The woman strutted about, a crossed knife and fork emblem emblazoned on her frilly apron. "I am The Gobbler!"

"The... Gobbler?" Richard Bouquet stared up at her from his seat. "Like a turkey gobbler?"

The woman scowled. "I ain't no turkey, turkey!" She gestured at him with a laser-pistol and he shrank back in his chair. "Once when I was a child, I was locked overnight in the canned goods section of a supermarket... WITHOUT A CAN OPENER!" She seethed in fury over the memory. "It created in me a bottomless, never-ending hunger which can never be satisfied!"

Oswald nodded. "I know the feeling."

Dimly, everyone had noticed the music had stopped but nobody really took any notice of it.

"And so..." She stalked forward, pointing her guns. "I am going to eat all the food left on everyone's plates!"

"WHAT?"

"You heard me!"

"Well, that's just gross!" Captain Stubing wrinkled his nose.

"Besides," Oswald had left his seat and was standing beside them. "Isn't your modus operandi to steal people's food while they're distracted and sneak away?"

"Well, I... ODD SQUAD!" She pointed her pistol at Oswald. "You won't stop me! Nobody can stop me!"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!"

A coiled spring shot out of nowhere, knocking the Gobbler's pistols out of her hands.

"RALLY HO!"

Then a powerful jet of water blasted her, sending her sprawling to the ground. As she stumbled to her feet, drenched, rows of identical red and black figures popped into being around her, surrounding her.

"GOOD WORK, TEAM!" A puddle of green liquid on the floor rose up and solidified into a dark-haired man in a green wetsuit and goggles. "EXCELLENT JOB, COIL-MAN, MULTI-MAN"

"THANKS, FLUID MAN!" The identical group of men said in unison.

"DON'T MENTION IT!" A portly little man in a purple costume with coiled springs for legs bounded over. "WE'RE JUST GLAD WE COULD HELP!"

"FROM NOW ON, THE ONLY THING THE GOBBLER WILL BE GOBBLING IS PRISON FOOD!" The multitude of clones said in unison. "THANKS TO... THE IMPOSSIBLES!"

"The Impossibles?" The Gobbler howled in dismay. "No! Not the Impossibles! I can't... I refuse to be caught by the Impossibles! It's too embarrassing!"

"Um, you're from an old episode of Spidey Super-Stories so obscure it's not even on the Internet," Oswald reminded her. "It's not like you have a lot of room to talk!"

"I don't care!" The Gobbler wailed as Oswald's teammates came to join him. "I have a reputation to maintain! Can't I be caught by Odd Squad instead?"

Orla considered. "I do not know. Stealing food from other people is rude and disgusting but I am not sure if it is odd."

"Yeah," Omar agreed. "It seems like more of a boundary issue..."

"WE DON'T MIND GIVING UP CREDIT," Coil-Man assured them.

"YEAH," Fluid-Man added. "IF IT HELPS CALM HER DOWN SO SHE'LL COME ALONG QUIETLY!"

"Oh I will, I will!" The villainess held up her arms. "I surrender! Take me away! Just say it was Odd Squad and not... them..."

Captain Stubing whistled for security. They came to escort her

"Hold on!" Osmerelda came hurrying over, leading a man in a sports coat, turtleneck, and full beard who was happily munching on cupcakes. "You might wanna take this guy too!"

Captain Stubing gasped. "That's the international criminal The Pick-Pocket! However did you capture him?"

"It was simple!" Osmerelda proudly explained. "I noticed him stealing people's wallets in the confusion! So I managed to distract him with Hostess Snack Cakes!"

"Oh! The rich, creamy goodness!" The Pick-Pocket sighed, his mouth stuffed with cake. "How could I resist?"

"As soon as he saw the cakes, he dropped the wallets and went for them instead!" Osmerelda smiled. "Then it was easy to catch him!"

"Hey!" The Gobbler whined. "How come he gets cupcakes and I don't? It's not fair!"

"Very well!" Orla reached behind her back and produced a box of Twinkies. "Here!"

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" The Gobbler sighed, devouring the goodies. "Moist, delicious sponge cake with a rich, creamy filling!"

The Pick-Pocket nodded in happy agreement. "It's worth prison to have these delicious Hostess Snack Treats!"

Captain Stubing sighed and shook his head. "Take them away, boys!" he told his security guards, then looked around. " Hey! What happened to The Impossibles?"

Then the music started up again.

"Let's go down to Mary's place

Mary's place, Mary's place..."

Omar pondered as he and his partners returned to their seats. "Y'ever notice you never see the superhero Impossibles and the rock band Impossibles together?"

Then someone kicked the door open again.

A man and a woman in bizarre costumes with impressive hair stormed in, brandishing lasers and singing.

"Frankenfurter, it's all over!

Your..."

The man looked around.

"Oh. Wrong room."

The woman smiled at everyone apologetically. "Never mind."

They turned and left.

"Didn't I tell you this was the wrong room, I told you this was the wrong room..."

"Look, don't start up with me..."

#

Presently, everything was put to rights and the show continued. A shapely redhead in a skimpy outfit sang and danced onstage.

"All the girls are crazy for a certain burly wolf

A certain hurly-burly wolf

Whose line is oh, so smooth when he spreads it on..."

Out in the audience, a wolf in a tuxedo whistled and pounded his fists on his table in approval. At the next table over, Hyacinth Bouquet glared at him in haughty disdain

"Such vulgarity!" she sniffed. "I would expect that sort of behavior in a burlesque house, but certainty not on a luxurious, high quality vessel spoken so highly of in all the glossy travel brochures!"

A sad-faced little dog looked over from another table. "Shocking, isn't it?"

"I should say so!" She huffed. "I..."

Then it hit her. She stared in shock. Then her eyes literally popped out of head, expanded to the size of beach balls, and hovered in midair, vibrating and emitting car horn noises.

They zipped back to their proper size and position on Hyacinth's face. She sat, jaw slack, trying to process what just happened.

"Ah... Ah... Ah... I... RICHAAAAARD!"

"That's nice, dear..." Richard responded, not taking his eyes off the singer.

Before anything else could happen, there was a loud crash that shook the entire ship.

The agents looked at each other.

"What was that?"

"Something is happening to the ship!"

They leapt to their feet and ran to the deck, followed by Captain Stubing and a great many passengers.

There, they stared in amazement at an enormous, one-eyed monstrosity wrapped its tentacles around the hull. It gnashed its sharp teeth and shrieked.

"Oh my LORD..." Captain Stubing staggered back in shock

The Odd Squad Mobile Unit looked up at the creature, gasping.

"The Hydroclops!"

#

TO BE CONTINUED...