The road was winding and endless, everytime i hoped past the switchback would be the end of the highway. My prayers were never answered. None of them had ever been. It wasn't so much that I was fatigued from the road. It was that I had been not breathing since we left the house. It would be too much for me to try to digest all the different dangerous smells that the world had to offer. So instead of dealing I turned it off. Which was how I was going about all the unpleasant things in my life.

200 miles in, I needed gas. Everything was hard now. Everything felt so much harder, because I was embarrassed that I needed gas. For needing anything without any money. And I would have to tell them I needed gas and face them all. I felt high maintenance. All of them revolved around keeping me in control lest I do something that ruined all of us.

When the first station popped up i vered over, rigid with anxiety.

There was someone behind the desk. That couldn't be good, for him.

I looked over at Carlisle's car, he nodded. Emmet slipping casually out of his car and coming to my side.

"Ok doll, but if you kill him I probably won't be able to stop you"

"You're gonna let me go, by myself" They were losing their minds. It had only been months in this life.

"We can't control you, can't keep you from doing whatever you want, so go ahead."

I frowned. Esme was speaking of her concern to Carlisle. From inside her car. It seemed that not only me thought this was wrong. I was wretched with disgust for myself. I wanted to go in because I wanted to kill him. The thought alone made me feel alive. Much more than when I was actually alive.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, it dripped down on me.

He handed me a 50

"Have at it."

I stood frozen for a second, and if I killed him?

Wouldn't that make me feel so good, so good, so good.

When did I feel good anymore? When I did awful things to myself, when I destroyed and deteriorated my character. I didn't want to be like this anymore.

"Don't breathe Bella" edward whispered from inside the Volvo

And if I did?

I slowly snatched the dollar from Emmet's stone hands. Embarrassed to move, embarrassed because Edward thought he needed to help me.

I had not been in front of anyone since the change. Suddenly I was more nervous. My eyes still flowed red although they had been a dark burgundy mix of yellow that was almost brown last time I looked in the mirror.

I slipped into the small convenience store soundlessly. Careful with my every movement. The boy behind the desk was smoking a cigarette and looking up at the baseball game on the television. He didn't seem to notice my entrance.

I walked around the back near the refrigerators first to steel myself for the interaction, thinking up what I was gonna say. And I was not gonna do.

Surprisingly I didn't feel much anguish. Thirsty, yes. It felt dry but not fiery.

I caught my reflection again in front of the soda machine. I wondered if he would be freaked out by the paleness. Like if he'd seen a ghost.

Again I slowly made my way to the counter hearing every tick of the clock explosively in my head. Again again again with every step. These could be his last seconds of life.

Still he didn't look, gaze fixated on the game. His thoat pulsated. I'd never noticed how skinny mens veins were just centimeters under the skin. I cleared my throat not wanting to run out of breath and will. Although I didn't particularly find him appealing rather the thought of digging my fingers into him appealing I still fantasize about it, just a little.

When he did look at me I imagined he would give me the same bored look that Charlie had when he was forced to look away from the game. But the way his heart beat sped up almost made me jump at him. Across the counter right into his artery. I couldn't tell if he was nervous or attracted . His warm skin began to flush and he tried to muss his hair with a haphazard hand. I tried to smile. This did not work.

Alexis was the name on his flimsy collar.

Alexis was not doing well and his cigarette was about to burn the magazines next to him.

"How can I help you?" The fake enthusiasm reminded me of mike. Oh yes, Mike's attraction caused him to deepen his voice and curl the corners of his lips. So the boy was attracted to me. But his reaction was more enhanced than mikes, by a tenfold. I had never made a man nervous like this. Alexis seemed to be boiling.

This was my only line. I repeated it in my head once before my performance, nervous I would accidentally breathe.

"Fifty on three, please" I placed the dollar on the counter, minding my strength and placing it a bit too gently.

"Oh right" he smiled.

I waited for him to say I was ready to go but he fumbled with the register.

"How much did you say again?" he laughed.

Had he really forgotten? Maybe he hadn't been able to hear my softer tone. I moved my hair out of the way of my face and enunciated "fifty"

I was getting nervous. There weren't many words left in my breath and the clock ticked ticked the boy's doom.

He smiled again, too widely.

"I'm gonna give you sixty" he flirted. "Pretty girl like you, there isn't many"

I smiled. He was confident.

I was confident that pretty girls like me usually killed boys like him

"You drive that bike?"

I nodded. He made an odd whistling noise. This was getting annoying.

I could hear rose's sigh.

"His thoughts are worse rose" Edward was responding to a mental question I presumed.

What must the boy be thinking? I was intrigued by my own affect. Renee used to make men feel like this. Feel a little wild and brave.

I wondered what edward thought of this. How it must feel to have somebody else want me.

"Got a boyfriend?" he Smirked

I remember this question asked to my own mother many times, and how would she respond;I smiled devilishly at him. Shaking my head no slowly.

"I could give you my number, i'm out soon"

He had just then clicked the button that assured my gas would pump. And thank god I didn't have enough breath to reject him.

"No, thank you" I said before walking rigidly out of the little store. I avoided Edward's gaze and instead smiled, taking a small breath, still minding my air. When I was assured this was clean air I took another, gulped it actually. Once I left the small store the burn was even stronger.

"Everyones alive" I said enthusiastically

Alice and Rose chuckled back.

I hadn't had a light hearted moment in awhile, which is why I appreciated when esme added. "Could've killed him with one more smile Bella, we're all lucky"

I chuckled, finally pumping the gas into Jacob's tank.

"I didn't mean to" which was the truth, kindoff.

The rest of the road was more painless. I was beginning to comprehend how things were gonna be more now. I had this amazing life opportunity where I was immortal and beautiful, and had everything anyone could ask for, but it wasn't enough. Because I was stuck. Apart from the agelessness that came with never having a family I didn't really mind that, hopefully I never would. But because I was not okay. Beyond the longing. I was torn into pieces of myself and even if they were all different fractions of the people who had left me when you flipped them over, all of them were a monster. No matter what my action and justification was, my own flaws were apparent. I had cultivated myself to burn me down, every single time. And I was stuck in this cycle forever. The death I caused weighed heavily on me. And with each coming day I would kill more. How could I stand by myself in the end? When I had coerced myself to ruin.

The road gave me time to think. Out of everything I wanted in this whole life now full of endless opportunities was him. What a bad draw, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But he was an idiot, flat out stupid. I was a mess of my own self, twisted up ivy along the cullen house, begging to come in.

Eventually we had gotten to the middle of nowhere Alaska, stopping at the denalis house. I was tired of meeting people. I just wanted to go into the whole in the bedroom and not leave again until I had to eat. I parked my bike, watching the three extremely blond vampires race to the front door, smiling vibrantly. I wondered which one Edward wanted edward. I felt beside myself. Wholly not there. Like my soul had grown smaller and was now trying desperately to cloak itself in this skin. Fifteen minutes then I would leave. I would give myself 15 minutes holding back the anxiety attack before I succumbed to it in the comfortableness of my own home, or new home.

The tallest blonde one made a squealing noise, "and who is this?" she exclaimed excitedly. Could vampires get migraines?
"This" Carlisle said with his whole chest "is my beautiful daughter bella" i stared at him.

Their hellos were quick and soft, except for the one farthest from me who really measured my features before minding her manners, subsequently this was the same one who hugged Edward with both arms laughing at nothing in particular. So it was Tanya out of the three. Irina and Kate didn't really seem to care for edward. They mused over the cullens complimenting them and calling them cousin. It was just like any other visit I had dealt with visiting extended family, except for the fact that I was imagining blood dripping from all their hands. It was a group of killers, every single one of them had sinned beyond reprieve. I missed the people in la push, their humanness and flaws. I missed the crook of people's elbows and loving without reason. I missed excitement and the act of looking away just when they caught you. I missed being touched. I wanted someone to run their hands along my arms just to prove to myself I was real. What did I have to live for without the intimacy of touch, of nearness. Keeping myself away was a double edge sword and I liked the pain.

When it came to excusing myself it was harder than I thought. All of them kept asking things for me, but I already had run dry. Leaving myself with empty dirty hands presenting to them all the mess with a smile. Edward watched me from across the room silently. Never letting myself look directly at him. When I did I would find broken pieces of his actions dug in between my ribs and I couldn't make myself do that. Facing him was like facing that awful past. Even if I loved him, I couldn't make myself want him anymore, like an opposite reaction.

I felt dread and nothingness when I thought about him, like a closed pathway. There was no chewing ourselves out of what we had done to each other.

My tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth.

"So I heard you have a very special talent that renders my own useless." purred tanya with a sly pouting her mouth in a way that made me think she had been posing for her whole life. I dissected her appearance beyond her physical perfection. Her own strive for perfection was in everything she wore.

Her eyes sparked vibrancy. Before she took prickly fingers that snickered with verbose electricity and tried placing them on my arm, how bad I wanted her to touch me then.

But she sent electric shock across the bubble, lighting up its limitations. I pushed it further away from me afraid I would attain one of its shocks bouncing them onto past tanya and onto kate.

She lurched far up her own seat. And I shrugged into mine, afraid of the retaliation my little stunt might have bought me.

"If your gonna dish it take it" rosalie smiled

"That's my cue to leave," I said, standing up. Carlisle was amazed as always, i could tell that he was fighting the urge to ask me infinite amount of questions but i didn't have the answers.

"I'll drive your boxes over" Edward volunteered

What was I supposed to say but plead with my eyes to spare me from his storm. I wonder if i was just a version of myself i had dreamt up to lull myself to sleep, calm myself before my moments of death and i was stuck here for some reason.

I tried to ignore him, shoving past him driving like i'm willing to die, pushing myself farther and farther away into myself so that I do not have to accept the truth.

The house was of course monumentous, larger than the previous cullen home, larger than the largest house i had ever seen. It was massive white walls next to too much white surroundings. Reminding me of how i wished for anything but green in forks. I thought about phoenix. How i had taken every moment for granted there. If i only knew this is where id be in a year. The world has frozen over, and frozen me with it.

"You probably want to put the motorcycle in the garage, I don't think it would survive a night here" he scrunched his nose.

I couldn't keep the scoff escaping my throat. I pushed the bike into the gigantic garage, that's the thing; Edward looked down on so many goddamn things.

I walked in slowly keeping as much distance between us as possible. He took my one bag out of the trunk of his car, carrying my entire life in his hands. Everything that proves I was or am. The entire proof of my existence, he carried it with his pointer and middle finger.

Setting it just a foot away from my feet without another word.

I glared at him. Trying to see right through him. "Which one is mine?"

He stared right back harder. Not flinching at my tone. "Third floor, first door to the left" the quick exchange of words was really the only exchange of words we had. We didn't have much to work with. I grabbed my bag still not removing eye contact. I felt like I was going to explode. I was on the verge of every emotion I could possibly supply- and he was stone. Unmoved by me. I was so tired now. I was so far past this.

I was heavy.

A sand bag floating down to the ocean but I didn't want to reach out anymore. My arms never did me any justice and my fingers were tired of losing.

"Do you need help, or anything?" and this was genuine.

"No. never again"

The room was too big for me. How any one could be comfortable in a space like this baffled me. This was the size of my little house with my mom. The walls were so tall they began to look crooked. A large fireplace and a couch set on the left end and a thick wooden bed on the other side gave me the chills. Welcome to everything you ever wanted. I guess I had lost my soul when I turned, maybe I had lost my soul the day I met him, maybe I was just the victim of the blackest form of theft.

I could feel him moving in different parts of the house. It was driving me insane. Like every inch of my body was itching.i folded up all my clothes with hawk-like precision. I drew a shaky breath out. Then another. I arranged my shoes into neat lines. I was so burning up from the inside out.

We were alone.

Then without my control I walked out of my room and down the stairs, searching for him. I went back up to the second floor going mad with every step. Storming through the white marble. Looking in every room. I was so out of focus I had looked in every room twice. My body overrides my memory, going back to what it knew. Then he was there. My tragic boy. Just for a second there he was. Under all the mistakes. There he was.

Edwards' breath was rushed, it set me on fire. Like he too knew how important this was. This moment alone. How rare it might be. Like any moment we won't be like this anymore. Like we were slipping from each other's fingers. "you can hate me. I'm begging you to hate me. Hate me loudly, hate me physically, if it pours out of you i'll take it all."

I shook my head disgusted with myself for clinging to his words, just the mention of the word physical had me all caught up.

"Everything you do or say intoxicates me. I'd rather you hate me than leave me. I'd rather be your worst enemy than a stranger." he continued

"Are your greatest aspirations so fickle as to wanting me to hate you?"

"Just you looking at me after everything we said the night of the crash is a miracle. Every man in the world would bow down to you isabella, i am just one of the many"

"Why because of what I look like now? Now I'm desirable?"

"You have been too desirable for your own good your whole life, so desirable you brought the darkest of souls out and into the light and you know that."

"So is this what you want for us? You want to watch as I hate you keeping your distance forever? Do you want us to watch as we fill the holes in our hearts with sweet nothings from others?"

His smile sent chills up my spin. I could faint at any moment. "If what you wish is another's touch, i wouldnt prevent you from that, but I cannot promise to let them live for much longer after you are done with them."

"You're ridiculous" I turned to go up the stairs, no longer sure of my own control.

"I'm a fool for you"

"Go back to tanya!"

He followed me up the stairs "seriously bella" he laughed

"At least she's willing"

I could see the hurt on his face. Good I thought. I had never been a person that revealed in others pain but it felt good to hurt him.

"Bella as long as you breath i will be at your back and call."

"I don't want you to be" that was a lie.

He leaned so close to me. Overshadowing the door. "I know"

His eyes were eating me up. He was smoldering in ways that might have given me a heart attack. But he could not reach me now. And he knew that.

There's a way about the sadness in me. It beats me in every way. Bashes in my chest over and over robotically. It swallows me up and leaves me in places so dark I can not even hope to get out. And when it reaches me it makes me do such horrible things. Such hurtful things. It makes me cruel. Hurting myself over and over until i can not go anymore and then when i can no longer feel reason, he does something. He gives me a crumb of his love and I am all alright again. I knew this is how we worked. But I hoped it was not what all we could be.

Us, alone. Since when has my body become so heated? At the sight of his forearm against my door frame i began to crumble. All this want I had within me I knew could go away by grazing my fingers up his abdomen, by letting him touch me in all the ways I had imagined before. And I almost did.

But I backed away from him and the door. Slowly sealing him away from me behind the door. And even now I didn't shield myself from him, something I thought to be so instinctual, even in my deepest core I never protected myself from him. Sometimes a stranger, sometimes my boy.

And in the very last seconds of turning away, when the loneliness began to set in, and the hopeless future i lived concreted itself once again, i turned around and kissed him.