Chapter 16- Love You Either Way

One Week Later

The world was so dark. The darkness of the night sky so ominous and layered with depth, variations of blackness dependent on how illuminated the world below was. Closer to downtown it was a deep, royal navy. But as you got further away from the lights and hustle of the city and into the land that tickling the lake's edge, the navy transitioned to black that was so dark and vast that your eyes bugged out on it all. You couldn't tell where it started or ended, just seemed to be an eternal plunge into nothing. Hailey sighed, the ticking of the left turn signal the only sound both keeping her awake and aware that she was driving. It had been a very long day, preceded by an ever more depressing and daunting week. Since Jay's return home from the latest stint at Northwestern, everything between them had changed. Jay was no longer speaking to her, to Will, no one. It was miracle if he managed to get out of bed and walk into the kitchen for food. Apart from getting up to take a piss or brush his teeth, Jay appeared to no longer have the desire or willpower to get out of the bed, explore the apartment or the world around them. He just laid on his side, staring out into nothing or sleeping the day away. At first Hailey and Will figured it was the new medication causing it all. That as Jay worked through this introduction phase of things and his body got adjusted to the newer, far more powerful epilepsy that he'd act like this, but in no time would be bouncing out of bed. But by about day three when he still wasn't speaking to them and not wanting the curtains open, the lights to remain off, and barely eating enough to keep his growling stomach happy, they both knew this was something far more. Jay Halstead was in a funk. No, a rather deep depression that didn't appear to have a way out or an end date. Hailey tried to talk to him, try to just sit with him, do anything to help him feel alive or in control or anything really. It was a tall order, getting him to shower. Changing clothes was an event of the day and usually resulted in awkward silence and Jay crashing on to the bed and wrapping himself up in blankets for the remainder of the day. Will went back to work two days ago. Because as he stated when he walked out the door, as much as he wanted to help Jay through this, he wasn't going to sit around and not help other people who truly wanted him around. When Jay was ready to grab this thing called life as his own once more, Will was a phone call away. So for the last day and a half or so, it was Jay and Hailey alone once more. She cooked for him, watched the food grow cold and stale on his bedside table. She did all the wash and folded it all and put it away in complete silence. She'd talk to him and get nothing back. She slept next to him but he wouldn't make any kind of move or noise that he recognized she was there. There were two worlds existing in this place, the one where Will and Hailey were and the one Jay was looking to be forever trapped in. Just before she got the call to action she truly didn't know what would pull Jay out.

Like the Avengers assemble whenever there is danger, or the bat call goes out to Batman, when an officer is shot and killed the Chicago Police Department goes all out to avenge the trouble that dared to cross into their brotherhood. Everyone drops everything to take up arms and solve the crime, catch the evil one that inflicted this heinous pain on their own, and they would not stop till they get answers. Voight was the first to call her. In truth, the two of them had been conversing for awhile now about when she'd get back out there. It was one thing when Jay was preparing for surgery and then recovering those days after. But now he was fairly independent and functioning and it wasn't entirely necessary for her to be there every single day, all day long. So even after Jay's latest setback, they were still shooting for sometime soon, within a couple days of the call, for her to return. It was one of the many things Hailey tried to bring up with Jay, which just like all other talks was very one sided. She'd sit next to the bed, go on and on about things and Jay would appear to be day dreaming, not at all listening or comprehending what was being discussed. She'd wait the couple minutes in tepid silence, eventually sighing before getting up and leaving Jay alone. She'd read just about every book in the apartment, organized all that needed to be organized, and felt to have watched every single TV, Netflix, Hulu, Prime, Apple TV +, you name it; she'd seen it all. She felt rather horrible to feel this way, but when Voight put out the message that he needed her in the field for this officer shooting incident, she practically shouted in excitement. At last, some sense of normalcy was coming back to her life. She flew across the apartment and into the closet to change as fast as she could. Splashing water on her face to freshen up, she applied a little bit of chapstick before throwing her hair up in a high ponytail before checking that she was decent looking enough to run out the door. She told Jay she was leaving for awhile to work on a case, Jay mumbled something about being careful. It was the most conversing they'd had in forever and she took it as a faint good signal. Jay was going to be on his own today, fully and without warning, and the fact he finally heard her say something and respond was something she had to cling to, hoping that he took care of himself.

The honking of the car behind her is what snapped Hailey back into reality, realizing she'd been sitting in the middle of the intersection this whole time and was now blocking the outbound traffic from moving. She didn't bother waving that she was sorry, just floored it and got out of there as fast as she could before anyone could catch her. She was the police after all, she wasn't going to get pulled over anyway. Muffling a yawn she settled down into the normal speed limit for the area, now pulling herself away from Jay and to her rather long and tiring day. It was crazy to think she used to be able to do these fifteen, sixteen hour days and still have the energy to go home, cook some kind of meal, before settling down to discuss the day with Jay for a rather long time. It was such an awful case. A fellow officer went to help a woman and her child in the middle of the street in Cicero, who appeared to be lost and homeless, only to discover too late that it was an ambush. Crime lords and their minions were raining hellfire onto CPD today, trying to send a message to stay off their turf or the killing would continue. It was gut wrenching to have to rush to Med, only to find out that medical assistance was in vain. The officer was gone before he hit the ground. From there it was addressing his family, the media, and trying to prevent a city in chaos or fear the potential anarchy that was lurking. From there it was handling the scene, following leads, following up with evidence and pod footage and so forth. Hailey getting paired up with Voight meant she was his sidekick through all of this, now fully understanding how much pressure and lofty expectations were that were put on his shoulders in situations like this. If nothing else, Hailey learned today that she never wanted to be sergeant of Intelligence. At least not in the foreseeable future. She was so caught up in the day that she didn't have time to check in on Jay, let alone think about life outside of the case. Only when things died down to a point of waiting on results to return and everyone being out in the field searching was Hailey's order to go home and rest brought up for discussion. Who was she to kid. Voight said to get home and she didn't fight it. She hadn't been this tired since her first graveyard shift as a rookie.

She pulled into a parking spot around the corner, put the truck in park before sitting back and breathing, closing her eyes as she finally let herself just sit and do nothing. It felt so nice to just be, to be still and quiet and have nothing to run to or anyone to respond to ASAP. Funny, two days ago she hated the silence of her life, now it was something she craved. It took no time at all for life's hectic pace to make her wish for the silence she had for so long. Hailey counted to ten, telling herself that if she sat here for too long she'd either fall asleep or be called back in. So once she got to ten she forced herself to open the door, get out and walk towards home. She listened to the chime of the truck signaling all doors and windows were locked, tugging her already sealed shut coat closer to herself. That was the other stark change to her life. What was once always indoors and warm was all outside and freezing to the core today. She couldn't believe she'd grown so used to indoor life and heat so quickly. She'd gone wimp in no time at all. Now came the uncomfortable process of getting reacclimated with the frozen Chicago winters. It was either all frozen or snowy and frozen solid. There were no breaks and no days where less than three layers were sustainable. Hailey practically ran to the front door of the apartment complex, the energy used to carry out such a challenge coming from some unknown area of herself. Since it was nearing midnight the doorman had gone for the day and all the other tenants were tucked away in beds sleeping. The entry to the place was quiet and empty of any other kind of life, which was fine with her. The elevator ride up to their floor was lonely and the hallway leading to the apartment was a one woman show. Hailey didn't care, she was so tired and out of it that she just wanted to make it through the front door, toss her coat off, and crash land onto her side of the bed. She wasn't going to bother brushing her teeth or do anything else. Her bed, that's all she needed in life right now. But as she opened the front door, it appeared that goal wasn't going to be reached right away.

"Say it out loud if that's what you think of me," was yelling so loud through the apartment that it sounded like actual people were in the apartment.

"Jay," Hailey called out as she kicked her boots off while they landed near the bin next to the front door. High pitched buzzing, like the sound a tattoo gun made as it chiseled into skin filled her eardrums as she peered around the corner.

"I know…and I'll…explain it to you guys later. Tim was my friend or he used to be," greeted Hailey in the living room, allowing Hailey to sigh and relax but a hair as she realized it was the TV, turned about close to full blast. Mabel of Only Murders In The Building was discussing things with Charles and Oliver as they finally caught up with her and demanded answers. Hailey had already watched this show last week, much quieter we might add. She knew how it all ended, couldn't help but chuckle a little as she turned the TV off. The fact Jay had decided to get out of bed and watch a humorous crime show was somehow both hilarious and sad. Jay, way before any of this nightmare happened, used to joke that it was silly of Hailey to be such a crime junky. She lived these shows every single day. She could easily see where they were blatantly erred in their process of everything and how what was on TV never ended those ways in real life. He couldn't understand how she could be on her toes and involved in all things crime 24/7. So the fact he chose to put this on for himself just went and showed how bored he was and possibly, how much he missed solving the crimes of real life. As Hailey's quiet, but smug face of victory and happiness died down, the next question of Jay's whereabouts popped into her head.

"Jay," she called out once more, a bit more curious and wondering this time around. She first went to the kitchen, noting the lack of mess or food out all over the place. Which told her that either he'd cleaned everything up and things were left exactly in their place, or he had nothing today. Which, given his behavior this whole week, option two was the most likely.

"Jay?! I'm home," she called out once again, now her tone more nervous than anything else, a bit louder now. She made it to the bedroom, skin sporting goosebumps when she turned the lights on and didn't find him in bed. Bathroom was clear, the closet was lacking the the Jay department.

"Jay," she yelled just below screaming now, standing in the doorway that lead back into the bedroom, trying to figure out where else he could be. She scanned the bedroom, searching for clues and found things that didn't ease any kind of fear. The blankets weren't pulled over like someone had climbed out of bed, but they were all pushed to the floor, as if someone had been dragged or fallen out of bed. As she stepped closer to his side of the bed she noted the pill bottles knocked over, a couple of them had fallen to the floor. Hailey got down on her hands and knees to find two more pill bottles under the bed. Either Jay had fallen or been kidnapped, neither option helped her in the least. If he'd fallen, then he'd either still be here or had been brought into a hospital and she'd have been called. Hailey grabbed her phone, looking to make sure she didn't have any missed calls and her list was blank.

"JAY!" She was now screaming. She didn't care if she woke the neighbors, this was dire now and Jay was nowhere to be found, lacking his medication, in deep trouble. As she spun around the room one final time, about to call Voight in and alert everyone that Jay was missing, a final location popped into her head. She didn't think about it sooner because, at this time of year, no one ever went there. But it was the last place she decided to look before assuming the worst. Of course, finding him there was going to be much better, not knowing how long he'd been there or what his condition was. But she had to look, had to make sure he wasn't in the apartment before calling in the calvary. It was his bent over body on the railing that sent chills down her spine. Yes, she was happy to see him alive and still there, but that was about it.

"Jay," she called in great haste and immense worry as she flung the sliding glass door open, shocked at the cold balcony flooring under her socked feet as she dashed to Jay's side. His head was glued to the world, the lake to be exact. His eyes were fixed on the icy waves cresting the shoreline, slipping back into the frozen surface of the lake water before trying to grab hold of land once more. It was a back and forth battle between land and water, the sound of the ice water sloshing onto land echoing enough to where he could here it before Hailey arrived. He was living for the escape of it all, watching the simple world phenomena right on his balcony. He was enjoying the silence, the quiet and serene nature of watching nature that he didn't notice how cold he was, how his body was screaming for warmth and to not be out in the harshness of a Chicago winter without protection any longer.

"Jay," Hailey called a final time as hands latched on his arm, yanking him away from the railing and into her grab. Only when she begged him to let go of the railing did he look her way. His whole body was shivering to the point he was convulsing, jolting in reaction to the bitter cold. Hailey didn't know if this was some kind of seizure event or exhaustion or something far darker and deeper, but whatever the case was he had to get off the balcony immediately.

"What are you doing out here? It's below zero," she spoke with tears welling up in her eyes. Jay just blankly stared at her, the two of them locked in a gaze for a couple seconds. Hailey sniffed first, pulling Jay further away from the cold and into the warmth of the apartment. She guided him to the couch, shoving him down onto the cushions as best she could before running all over the apartment. First it was to grab socks and put two layers on his feet. Then she scored an electric blanket, another blanket, a beanie and some hand warmers before placing all things on Jay in an effort to warm him up.

"Did you eat anything? I'm gunna make you some tea and heat up some of the leftovers from last night," she puffed out once Jay was wrapped up tight like a giant, warming burrito. He didn't respond to her, didn't make a move or sound for the next several minutes as she gathered the things he'd need to warm up inside. She was back in five minutes, holding the plate of hot food out for him and smiled as she gestured for him to grab it.

"Don't take me back there," finally fell out of his mouth, causing Hailey to forego handing the plate off to Jay, instead putting it on the coffee table and taking a seat next to it. His voice was so quiet, so shaky that at first she assumed it was the cold that was causing him to sound that way. But, as she watched this slow dissolve of Jay Halstead in front of her, she realized there was a lot more going on.

"Jay, what happened," she softly asked, keeping her hands clasped and resting on her crossed legs. Jay was very slowly nodding his head, biting his lower lip in an effort to stop the shaking. You could feel the tension falling off his him as he tried to speak up.

"Please…don't take me back there."

"Take you where," she spoke, watching the tears about to drip down in face. He sniffed, but it didn't matter, they still fell anyway.

"Promise you won't take me back there. I…I…just can't get anymore news." Hailey sighed, no more was needed to be said. She had to admit, the thought had crossed her mind and was still there. Jay could've developed hypothermia or had another seizure episode today; so many bad scenarios. But as she sat and watched him quietly cry, in a place of absolute vulnerability right now, there was no way she was going to violate his trust by going against his wishes.

"I promise," she eventually spoke up.

"But Jay, what happened? Why were you out on the balcony?" Jay nodded, slowly curling his head back down towards his chest, closing his eyes as more tears formed and fell into his lap. The little circle patterns that were being created on the blanket encapsulated his mind for a bit, only when Hailey asked again did he finally work up the strength and courage to speak.

"I fell out of bed and I think I had another seizure." Hailey nodded, finally noting the red mark on the left side of his forehead. It must've been the freaking out of him being outside, and her racing to warm him, that allowed her to not see it till now. The tea kettle was going off now, the hight pitched wailing allowed for Jay and Hailey to turn their heads away from each other and to the kitchen.

"Sorry, I'll be right back," she apologized as she got up and ran to turn off the heat. A few minutes later she returned with a steaming hot cup of green tea in her hand, placing it next to the plate of food on the coffee table. Instead of taking a seat on the table, she sat opposite of Jay on the couch. Folding a leg under her bottom, Hailey rested a hand on the top of the couch, cradling her head on a formed fist as she spoke.

"What exactly happened," she said, watching Jay think into nothing for a bit before speaking.

"I just remember waking up and having another headache. So I reached for the pill bottles and next thing I knew, I was on the floor. It felt like after waking up from a seizure. I was tired, my head hurt, I didn't know what happened." "Did you take your pills this morning?" Jay slowly shook his head, adjusting himself so that the blankets were pushed further up his body.

"Jay, you have to take the pills," Hailey quietly, gingerly scolded.

"You have to take them so you can get better."

"There is no getting better Hailey," he was quick to speak back. It was quiet and more defeated than upset, but the message was just as piercing.

"There's no getting over this," he spoke on. Hailey sighed, glanced over at the balcony before she spoke.

"Jay, why did you go out on the balcony?"

"I wasn't going to jump," he was fast to reply.

"I didn't think you would. But Jay, why did you?" Silence fell for several minutes now, Hailey just watching Jay try to form words. He'd try to start before stopping himself. Mulling it over in his mind before mentally concluding that it wasn't worth it or that she'd never understand. Some time later he finally figured out something to say.

"Because I needed to feel something, Hailey. Because I've been locked up inside for so long that…I didn't care if I froze out there, I just needed to feel something." Hailey nodded, looking down at the couch as she spoke. Now she was the one that couldn't find something to say.

"What if this is it? What if I never get out of here and get to have a life again?"

"Jay, you have to take your meds."

"I don't want to be stuck here forever, on medication that's never going to change things. What happens to all of this, to us, if this is the end result."

"Jay, no one is saying that this is the end. You realize you could walk out the door right now, right this moment?! I'm sorry if no one has said that. But nothing is stopping you from leaving the apartment."

"Except for the fear of having another seizure." Hailey reached over to her phone, unlocked it and began scrolling through saved pages on her phone. Jay watched on with annoyed silence. Here he was pouring his scariest, most terrifying thoughts and she was off trying to find a distraction or some way to make him feel someone else's version of better. He didn't want that. He just wanted to vent and figure things out.

"Prince was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was a child, yet still became an icon and toured the world. Elton John, also diagnosed with epilepsy and became the artist that he is today. Roosevelt also had epilepsy yet still was the president and served his full terms. Edgar Allen Poe, Harriet Tubman, Vincent Van Gogh, the list goes on. All these people were handed an epilepsy diagnosis and yet, still accomplished amazing things in life. Jay, this is not the end result. It can be if you allow it to be. But no one is saying you have to stay inside forever. No one is saying that you can never do anything ever again."

"I don't want give up control. I'm over doing that. I'm sick of the meds." In disgust, Jay kicked the blankets off his feet, Hailey looked down as he did it and just about reach over to correct the mistake, but figured that would set him off even more. Instead she allowed the tension to die down a little, do the gaze and scan she'd done on him since the first day she met him, and countless times since. There was something deeper, darker in there and she had to at the very least, shine some light on it.

"Jay, what makes you happy right now?" He was so not prepared for that one that he snapped his head up, ignoring the heat that was building around him and causing him to sweat. Looking right at her with a very puzzled expression.

"What?"

"What makes you happy? What is the one thing that you desire for right now? What is on the other side of all of this that's waiting for you?" It appeared the lightbulb of his life went off above his head. Like the clouds had lifted from his world and the sun was beginning to crack through the dark skies, the ray of light that was clarity had found its' way in. He shifted in his spot on the couch before he spoke.

"I want to get back out there. I want to pull the all night stakeouts again. I want to write stupid BS on the boards till there's nowhere left to write. I want to be annoyed by a comment from Platt. God, I want to just be out there making a difference when no one else can or wants to. I want to help Chicago again." Hailey nodded, making sure Jay was finished before speaking up.

"Then in order to do that, you need to take your meds, every single day. You are not giving up control anymore, Jay. That ended when you woke up from surgery. You were given only a piece of your life in the post-tumor world, not the whole thing."

"But how do we even know work wants me back? Or can take me back?" Hailey sighed.

"I don't know, but I know they absolutely miss you. It was very strange, going back there without you. It felt like a big piece of the place was missing." Jay nodded, not sure what to say so chose silence for awhile. Hailey noted the time of night on her phone: 1:24am. She needed to get back to the 21st at 7am at the latest. Sleep was going to be very quick tonight.

"And Jay," she spoke up since he wouldn't.

"No matter what life looks like for you, you and I will always be good and be there, together. I don't care if you are a detective of Intelligence or a guy stuck inside this apartment for the rest of time. I will love you either way. I signed up for life with no with no strings or expectations attached. I want to see you happy. That's all I want to have happen in our life."

"So, why don't we go make that official? Let's just say fuck it to all of this and all this crap that's come up and say that we're in this together…now." Hailey didn't know if Jay was serious or joking. Sitting on the couch, wrapped up in many blankets and still shivering from the prolonged cold exposure was not exactly the final minutes of non-married life she had in envisioned. She almost laughed at him, but as he just looked on at her with this growing sense of seriousness, she realized that she actually had to respond to his kind of crazy notion.

"Well, what about the promise we made? No tumor or cancer between us when we take that next step?"

"Hailey, there's always going to be something between us," Jay spoke back, which completely shocked her because that's exactly what she thought not even a week ago. They truly did think and feel and behave the same.

"Well, I have to be to work at 7am and I'm dead tired so…let's get things straightened out first…maybe keep our promise…and then we'll follow through with your plan." Jay nodded, on instinct reaching for the now lukewarm cup of tea and pull it to his mouth.

"Now, there is something I need you to do," she spoke once his mouth was full of liquid. He seemed to know what she was hinting, rolling his eyes as she nodded.

"Oh yes, you need to take your meds." Handing him the plate of food on her way, Hailey walked into the bedroom, gathered all the things Jay needed to take before returning to dish them out. One by one, a pill at a time, Jay downed the little freedom tokens. Hailey was absolutely right. His imposed problem had been fixed and all power was given to the tumor during it's time of reign. Now, it was time for him to respond in kind, to take up the possession of his life once more and let the past be in the past, the fight come to a close. In order to gain control, he and these awful and bitter little pills would have to become best friends.

"Come here," Jay encouraged once all was swallowed and food was consumed. Hailey collapsed into his arms, the two of them smiling and snickering to themselves as they wrapped into a tight hug.

"I love you," she yawned.

"Love you too. Now, rest."

"You too," was her parting word of the night. In no time at all she was sound asleep on his chest. Jay, despite having been stuck in bed and weakened by everything for the last few weeks and months, managed to get up and carry Hailey to their bed before gently placing her down on her side. Kissing her forehead before landing on his side of the bed, Jay was out and truly resting in peace and comfort in no time. He had a problem, he had gotten it fixed, now came the fun of it all.

…

Today, Jay Halstead was going to get ready for the day. That was his very first thought that morning, aside from thinking of himself in third person. But as he opened his eyes to the new day, stared over at the curtained off windows across from him, Jay decided that today was the first day in a very long time that he would get up, get ready, and have a day. Now, of course, the day would come with a need for resting, medication dosing, and whatever other hurdles or downsides that would come. But the overall theme of the day was that he was going to have himself a day that was worth talking about. Rolling away from the windows and to the other person in bed with him, Jay was a little surprised to not see her there. Whatever he took last night must've really knocked him out. He did not hear when her alarm went off, nor did he hear her getting ready for the day, saying goodbye to him, and didn't leave his deep slumber when she walked out the door. He was out like the rest of the lights in the apartment, which in Jay's case worked in his favor. He wanted to surprise her, surprise everyone by showing that he accomplished things today. Which his first accomplishment of the day was going to come in the form of making the bed. Jay was still taking some time in getting awake and alert for the day, but he was improving a little bit each day. Jay had to take a moment and level out once he was upright, but in about two, three minutes he was coherent and living once again, walking to the window and pulling the curtains open one at a time. The drab, gray morning greeted him on the other side. The icy waves from last night were still there, still trying to reach dry, snowy ground. Jay got lost in the trance of the lake waves for a few moments, contemplating if he should go out on the balcony and watch awhile. But, that was not something worth reporting about tonight. So that could come another day, or later on depending on how much he accomplished that day.

Returning to the bed he pulled the sheets and blankets up first, trying to figure out how the pillows and such were supposed to be arranged. It looked like a toddler had made the bed when he was done, but Jay was rather proud of himself. He hadn't made the bed in quite sometime so to get anything to look remotely in place and purposefully positioned was a win for him. Next came a shower, which was complete in under ten minutes, Jay toweling himself off before wrapping the damp towel around his waist and rubbing a circle into the mirror.

"Yeah, there's something back there," he spoke to no one as he ran fingers along the back of his head and neck before working his way up and around. Amelia was correct, there was hair coming back to the world. Yet another stark and comforting reminder that the trauma and damage was done. The regrowth of Jay Halstead was here and happening now. Jay had never been more thankful of his decision to start anew, not even realizing that down the road he would need this visual reminder to get back out there and try and relearn. If his head, which received the highest amount of trauma and impact from this whole experience could do it, there was no reason at all the rest of him couldn't follow suit. Jay quickly brushed his teeth before applying some facial moisturizer before calling it a day in the bathroom. Where he was going would be dry, cold, perhaps a chance of snow later in the day. He needed to help his skin not dry and crack as best as he could.

It was in the closest that Jay's phone chimed its' reminder tune, alerting him that it was medication time. With a great sigh Jay forewent trying to zero in on outfits and proper winter wear and instead made his way back to the bedroom. He had six pills to take each morning: one for the oral chemo, one for everyday seizure control, two for mild head pain, another one for epilepsy management and another short term relaxant that was helping his brain settle as it adjusted to things. The goal was to keep Jay stress free and his mind not running on all cylinders until they found the proper drugs regiment that would allow him to function without being on seizure watch twenty-four hours a day. Until that was found he wasn't allowed to drive, work, or go anywhere without another pill bottle that was for emergency seizures, a rescue pill for when things started to go bad. Furthermore, but this was probably for life, he had to wear a medical bracelet that had inscribed on it his medical condition, his emergency contact, and Amelia's phone number to call in the event he passed out from the clonic-tonic seizure episodes. He was still getting used to wearing the thing, the cold metal against his wrist was truly bothersome at the moment, Jay twitching and adjusting the thing constantly. Honestly it irked Hailey and Will, constantly hearing Jay grunt in disgust while the metal quietly clinked around his wrist as he fixed it. Give it another week or so and he'd not even remember that he was wearing it. But for today, it annoyed the heck out of him. Once all pills were swallowed Jay reminded himself to text the code signal. He'd finally figured out the push for the slurpees, the true reason she brought it up whenever she saw him and before he even went through any of this. That mysterious and all-knowing mind played the long game, it always did. Jay thought it over quite a lot since getting home, because what else was his mind to ponder about. But two days ago, it finally clicked. It was his alert message, their secret code that the time had arrived. Jay texted the magical seven words, placing his phone back down on the bed before he went to the closet and gathered what he needed. Today wasn't a joggers and hoodie day. This was a big occasion that called for more appropriate attire. He put jeans on, straight legged, real life jeans for the first time in over two months. The material felt so odd against his skin, he couldn't believe he actually liked wearing these all the time as he pulled them up to his waist. It was so itchy, so constrained, honestly his legs felt suffocated the longer he wore them. No wonder everyone complained about having to leave the lounge life whenever they finally had to leave their houses and go back into the office. The lounge wear life was the way to go forever.

As Jay fastened the buttons on his jeans, and noted how loose they were on his body, the truth of how much weight and muscle he lost was glaring right in front of him. Will, Hailey, everyone wasn't joking, he had lost quite a bit of weight. Jay mentally added more food intake and some walks and potential jogs around the block to his internal list of things to do in this newfound desire to recapture life. He threw the thermal shirt on first, again sighing at how it hung off his flat chest and torso, before buttoning up a thick, flannel patterned button down before slipping socks onto his cold feet. Jay looked at himself in the long mirror once again, this time not saddened or upset at what was looking back at him. For the first time in a very long time he was happy, recognizing the face and person looking back at him. It was different, but most definitely a version of him. He looked more like himself, he felt more like him in his own skin, it was really starting to come back to him. He nodded in satisfaction of it all, making sure to turn the closet light off before shutting the door. His growling stomach told him where to go next.

"Oh thank God," Jay spoke when he saw the full pot of coffee in the carafe, Hailey once again thinking ahead of him and making sure his morning salvation was ready whenever he was. Jay downed a full mug of the hot, dark roasted coffee before turning to what he was going to pair with another full cup of the heavenly nectar. He found two slices of bread, popped them in the toaster, and found a near empty jar of peanut butter. So, true bulking up would start with lunch. As he looked around for a plate and knife he decided without much thought to turn on the news. Pre-tumor life it was apart of his morning routine. As he made breakfast for Hailey and himself, he wanted to be up to date on all the news happenings he missed the day before or overnight. He was never one to stick his head in the sand. Crazy or predictable, infuriating or something to be satisfied with, Jay Halstead was a well rounded, politically active and informed individual. While he poked fun at Hailey for wanting to watch crime dramas, she more than made up for it by telling him that it made no sense to listen to the news and current events that they probably had a hand in writing. But he couldn't help it. He hated that his parents took the ostrich approach to everything in life and he vowed to never repeat that. He was waiting impatiently for the toast to rise as he reengaged with the world. Gun violence was at an all-time high in the country, crossing once safe zones off the list by the day it appeared. The January 6th Committee was set to return from break and hold more private hearings. It was said that summer would be the time of the great reveal, public hearings and mountains of evidence to be shared with the world. Jay only prayed it all made a difference in the end. As his toast popped up, all golden and extra hot, Jay shook his head at how out of it and unfamiliar with the world he'd become. None of what was being reported resonated or made sense to him. In fact, it appeared to have all gotten drastically worse since he last checked in with the outside world. But, he was going to make up for lost time, he'd be back in time. No one ought to worry. As his heated hands danced against the flaming hot toast, the news ceased to speak as his phone chimed a text notification. Jay waited till all corners of the toast were covered in peanut butter before tossing the knife in the sink, allowing himself to lick his sticky fingers as he read the incoming text, smirking wide as he practically exploded in renewed delighted.

"For awhile there I thought you were gunna leave me hanging. When and where?" Get ready world, because Jay Halstead was making a comeback. But first, some peanut butter toast and coffee was calling his name and he wasn't about to let them down.