Chapter 17- Slurpees In Secret

"You really had me wondering if that tumor took all the detective out of you," her voice echoed from behind, allowing Jay to swivel in place and face the voice he knew all too well. The promised of snow had definitely arrived now. Every inch of his outerwear had a nice dusting of the dry, white precipitation on it. Not enough to make him look like a statue or one of those artsy people that posed as living art all day long, but enough of it to make him appear like someone that had been out there for a few minutes waiting alone for someone or something. Jay didn't care in the least. He hadn't experienced the snow and winter fully this season so it was refreshing, therapeutic to be in it all.

"You know, for a moment there I was wondering that myself," Jay spoke as the elderly yet spry woman walked up to him, preparing to hand off one of the two slurpees in his hand before she scoffed.

"When I said slurpees I meant for you, not me. Plus I didn't even mean that altogether." Jay smirked, rolling his eyes as he played along with her joking banter.

"Oh darn, then what am I supposed to do with these," he teased, holding them up a little more as he spoke of them. Trudy chuckled, taking the florescent blue one out of his left hand.

"Just to not make this look weird: me sitting next to you while you down two of these." Jay chuckled.

"Yes, because these are normal for February." Trudy's eyes sparkled with hilarious mischief, lips going to the straw as she nodded for a new resting spot. There was a bench about a hundred feet away, nestled right against the water's edge but under cover. She wasn't about to go all out and become a snow covered, blue slurpee lipped person sitting practically alone in the park. The whole point of this was to not draw attention and yet, so far all the scenarios were hinting at that. Jay followed her down the boardwalk path to the bench, motioning for her to sit before he did. They each took a sip of their frozen treats before beginning the conversation, the true reason for them being here, in this very remote spot in the middle of the opening act of a good snowstorm.

"You look good, Jay," Trudy began, taking a quick scan of the person sitting next to her as she spoke. It was a very night and day difference from the last time she saw him. For one thing he was clothed in something he picked out, another being that no one was doing something for him today. All efforts to get from his bed to this bench were done by him. Furthermore he had the mental wherewithal to think of her coded messages this whole time, conclude what they meant and then act on them; complete with purchasing the spoken of code and knowing where to meet up without causing suspicion or being too much for him to handle. On all accounts Trudy was ready for him to come back under her wing, so to speak.

"Thanks, feel a lot better," Jay spoke through a mouth full of melting slurpee. Trudy reached over, trying to pry under the beanie and see what was going on. She was like a mother peeling back a long sleeved shirt after accusing her child of getting a tattoo, or forcing them to open their mouth to reveal the tongue ring that had recently been pierced. Her fingers made it to the beanie and had peeled a little corner off around the ear before Jay just took the whole thing off. There was no point in hiding things. There wasn't anyone around and plus, she was the ticket to him getting back to some version of normal life. She needed to see the improvement in an effort to try and convince her that he was ready. Or, at least ready to start the process of coming back.

"Oh, it's gotten a lot better," she remarked as she turned her head to get a better look at things, nodding as she took it all in, brushing a hand on the back of his head to feel where the most evident new growth was taking place.

"It's slowly coming back all over, but for some reason right there is the most prominent," Jay spoke, Trudy nodding as she kept peering into the healing process that was his whole head.

"Well, just keep that on for a little bit. We don't want to scare people with all of…that," she teased as she pointed to the big main scar and all the smaller stuff around it. Jay smirked as he put the slurpee cup down, reapplying the beanie before he spoke.

"That makes me feel so much better," he joked.

"Hey, I'm not saying it scares me. But if you show up to work looking like a cat attacked your head people are gunna talk…and point." Jay could only roll his eyes.

"A cat?!"

"Hey, you ever come across an enraged cat?! You end up looking like that. Missing hair and all." Jay chuckled, the almost child-like giggle coming out of him sending relief waves into Trudy's system. They both had to admit, this felt quite good just sitting here, being two people living life.

"So, you sent out the signal. What's going on with you?" Jay's laughter and happy disposition vanished about as quick as it came, her question making him shift in his spot on the bench a little. The slurpee was pushed to the side, Jay's shifting included turning to face his desk sergeant before gathering his thoughts.

"Uh oh, the body shift. This can't be good." Jay smirked a little as he cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to lightly land all this on her so she didn't immediately shut him down.

"What has Hailey told you," he began. Trudy immediately shook her head, also placing the slurpee down next to her so Jay had her full attention.

"She and I haven't had a discussion about any of this. She did try coming to me about a week or so ago but I told her that wasn't a talk for us to have." Jay was immensely thankful for Trudy right then. Because as much as he didn't mind having Hailey update everyone or begin to ask questions about when he could return to Intelligence, the conversation about it all really did fall between the two of them. He was appreciate for Platt right then, not allowing others to fight for Jay when the role was only for him to play. Jay nodded, clearing his throat once more before speaking up once more.

"Well, I'm still on the chemo pills. I just started those Monday and will be on them for a couple more weeks."

"Okay…"

"And then after that I have a round of radiation for three weeks."

"Okay…"

"But after that I should hopefully be done with treatment. There's a really small percentage of the tumor left. Surgery and the chemo disks did a lot of the hard work in this whole thing."

"Okay, I'm still waiting to hear the real reason for this meeting, Jay. Sounds like you're still weeks away from even being able to start working. I cannot and will not make you work while you still have a tumor in your head," Trudy spoke, eyes glaring but lovingly looking right into Jay for the truth of all this. Because she was spot on, he wasn't to a point where they could talk about him coming back. So there had to be a reason he called this secret meeting now. Jay knew this, Trudy knew this, so Jay needed to stop layering on all the fluff and just get to the point of it all.

"But there is a long term issue we have to deal with, epilepsy. The seizure I had back in December? The one that caused us to find the tumor to begin with?"

"Yes," Trudy answered.

"Everyone thought that was the tumor and when that went away, the seizure episodes would go away as well. However, I had another one. A really bad one during my follow up appointment and through that, we learned that the tumor caused permanent damage. Thus the reason for the epilepsy. The tumor wasn't the cause for the seizure episode way back when. But instead, the damage had been done months before." Trudy nodded, looking past Jay as she thought for a few seconds. Jay didn't speak, allowing the two of them to sit with the news. Jay was rather proud of himself for allowing that to just spill out. This was the first time he spoke of the diagnosis outside of the apartment, let alone tell it to someone not living with him. Trudy meanwhile was trying to think of a scenario where Jay could come back full-time with no limitations.

"What is your trigger," she eventually spoke up, finally going away from the snow lined edge of the water and back to Jay.

"So far it's sound. Loud noises at that. Light seems to be okay, but I haven't really been out in a real life scenario yet to test that. But the noise of the MRI machine was what set this most recent seizure episode off." Trudy nodded, thumbing through the police manual in her mind as she continued to question things.

"When you say seizures you are talking about what exactly? Foaming at the mouth? Swallowing your tongue?" Jay smiled as he rolled his eyes, she never missed an opportunity to tease.

"When it's really bad they're called clonic-tonic seizures. It's a full unconsciousness and jerk movements and typically has to be stopped with strong medication. But apparently I've been having partial seizures since I got home and those are more like daydreaming."

"Are you on medication right now?" Jay nodded.

"Yeah, we're still trying to tweak things but so far no seizures since being on them. I'm beyond tired and numb all the time while on them. But that could also be just recovery or the chemo drugs," Jay was quick to reassure. He wasn't trying to bury his own work grave too much here. Trudy thought in quiet for another minute or so, Jay's huge desire to know his fate being what finally brought her back.

"So, what am I looking at? Am I cooked as a cop? Do I need to start looking for another career here?" Trudy sighed, running her gloved hands along her legs and she shrugged.

"Honestly Jay, I don't know. In all my years on the job I can confidently say I've never had to handle a situation that involved epilepsy."

"Oh great," Jay spoke under his breath. In Jay's half filled worldview at the moment, this was the gentle blow to his whole future.

"I wasn't done yet," she cut off, allowing Jay to lift his head and look at her.

"However, I have never heard of someone on medication and having things under control not been able to work in some kind of capacity." Jay nodded, it wasn't the answer he was looking for, but part of him was happy there was at least a chance. At the moment it felt like a fraction of a sliver of a chance, but at this point he was willing to take anything.

"But Jay, you also need to take a step back and see how far you've come and all that you've gone through. It's been two months since this all started, right?!"

"Two months, three weeks, and a day," Jay corrected.

"But who's counting, right?!"

"Actually I totally made that up." Trudy balked, let out a rather loud HA in response to Jay's quick thinking of a joke. Her noise made Jay jump and a bird fly out of the water in front of them, her continued laughter Jay make join her in time.

"And see? You didn't fall into a seizure episode," she spoke when her breath was gathered.

"Wait, that was all a test," Jay asked? Trudy beaming with pride in winning the whole round, nodding as she watched him sit in stunned silence. Because she was spot on, the noise did scare him but he was still alert, sitting on the bench, not on his way to Med. Perhaps those drowsy pills were starting to work after all.

"But seriously Jay, you don't need to push yourself. To be here today, even talking about the chance of getting back to work…that's incredible. Don't sell yourself short. Most people don't even make it through surgery let alone get out of the hospital as soon as you did. Or, have a long term side effect like what you have now. All you've got right now is a nice scar on your head and a handful of pills to swallow each morning."

"Oh, don't forget the cute medical bracelet I have to wear for the rest of time," Jay chimed in, pulling his jacket sleeve back to reveal the thin metal badge and chain wrapped around his wrist. Trudy shook her head as she watched him shake it a couple times to allow her to hear the clanging of the chains against his skin.

"Jay, there was a guy in my old neighborhood. One of the very first I patrolled as a foot beat cop. He was young too, maybe a couple years younger than you, but he started with the bad headaches. Before they started he was the most gracious, loving, outgoing guy you'd ever met. Always had a warm drink for the nights I'd walk around the block in the winter. Every birthday, Christmas, any random time he had a gift for me, my partner. Just salt of the earth great guy. But his headaches too turned out to be a tumor. I don't recall the name of his but it also required surgery. Anyway, long story short he's now bed ridden, in some assisted living place down by Joliet. He can't speak, can't care for himself, doesn't remember anyone. Jay, that could've been you. I get that medicine has come a long way since then and you had an amazing surgeon and team behind you, but that could've been you. Or some version of that could've been you." Jay was quiet for awhile after that one, they both were honestly. The two of them spending time looking out at the water in front of them to care to continue the conversation. Trudy was absolutely right, Jay being at this point already and still being able to lead a relatively normal life was a miracle and one that he should forever cherish. Not to negate what he'd been through or downplay what had happened in his life, but her story put things into a great perspective. That story was awful and there was no reason why that couldn't or shouldn't have happened to him. But the fact it hadn't spoke volumes and truly made Jay thankful for being where he was right then. He was definitely still trying to figure out life in this new world of his, but at least he got the chance to. In this brief moment of silence and calm and reflection on the journey path, Jay was going to be happy with whatever came next.

"Thanks Trudy," Jay finally spoke up, getting up so he could trash his cup, offering to take hers and she obliged.

"Jay, I'm not trying to make you feel small or that your story isn't important, but I'm just very grateful we're having this conversation." Jay nodded as he walked back over, putting his hands in his jacket pockets before sitting back down.

"Me too. Thanks." Trudy smiled, nodding as she patted his leg before moving things along.

"I will start to ask around. I'm going to assume you want me to keep your name out of things for the time being."

"That would be great," he answered.

"And also…"

"Keep this between us. I know Jay." Jay sighed, nodding his thanks.

"I will say this. It's never been proven, but there's been talk for years about a certain sergeant at the 21st that has some kind of epilepsy. Or, some mental limitation of sorts." "What?!" Jay just about fell out of his seat over that one. There were only two sergeants at the 21st and he was speaking to one of them. Trudy shrugged.

"He doesn't do any of the big chases like his unit does and he tends to stick around the district or walks around crime scenes. But again, no one has ever asked and it's never been an issue so no one's investigated." Jay nodded, his mind scrolling through ten years of working with Voight trying to see where it would make sense.

"So Jay, don't lose heart on this. We're still weeks away from setting down any kind of concrete plan. But just use that as a token of hope. It's not out of the question for you to come back." Jay nodded.

"Honestly, I could really use that right now. None of this had made sense since getting home. So, having that chance would literally be everything." Trudy stood from her seat, Jay following suit. She did a final scan of her detective, taking note of the smaller sized person in front of her. He was different in many ways, but that heart was still beating the same. He was different, but he'd come back to the world, come back to all of them, and himself, before long.

"I've got to head back. I've stayed long enough to where they're going to start asking questions. Like why my lips are blue."

"They're not, I'd tell you if they were," Jay spoke, stretching his arms as he stifled an incoming yawn.

"I'll drive you home."

"No! I'm fine taking the L," he tried to persuade her with, but she wasn't having any of it.

"Jay, you're battling a brain tumor and epilepsy. Let me help you in the smallest way." Jay had to admit, the walk to the platform was looming large in his mind and he didn't have another option. She was either going to take him home as a willing or throw him in the back of the car with lights flashing and all. He really didn't have another choice.

"Fine…fine," he caved, trudging behind her as they walked in the direction of the parking lot.

"In the meantime, you should focus on getting some of that weight and muscle back. You're looking a little wimpy," she teased. Jay snorted, nodding in quick agreement. Trudy Platt was the kindest, smartest, most enduring ball buster he'd ever worked for in his life. For the first time since he woke up on the other side of surgery, life was beginning to feel more like it's old self.

…

"Jay?!" Hailey quietly walked through the front door, standing in the doorway for a moment or two as she surveyed the apartment in front of her. She felt like she'd just done this routine: opening the front door to a rather dark and quiet place. Except this time the TV wasn't on and Jay was not standing on the patio outside, that was her first check-in spot from her place in the doorway. She took a step in when she failed to detect that sense of doom or danger, allowing the door to gingerly land in it's frame, kicking off her boots as she heard the automatic lock roll back into it's place. She noted Jay's boots on the floor, the caking of dried snow along the heels and the now dry puddles of water outlined around the shoe resting spot, confirming that at some point Jay had decided to leave the apartment. Calling his name again she ventured into the kitchen, surprised to find it tidy this time. Dishes weren't in the sink and food was nowhere on the counter. Opening the fridge she found it rather stocked, including what looked like meal prep stuff sitting right in front. She couldn't help but sigh in surprised joy. It appeared he'd thought ahead and wanted to attempt making food for the two of them. That was such a huge step in the right direction, night and day from the last time she left him alone. On that single act alone, it appeared Jay was trying to get better, find his way, retain a life he could live with. Turns out their late night chat did stick. But alas, the fact the meal prep was in here and not cooked and on plates ready for them was a little disheartening. Sleep, tiredness won out, it was going to win out for a few more weeks and months as he both recovered and fought the tumor while trying to get rid of it. Still though, the thoughtfulness more than counted and she was beyond touched by his generous gesture. Grabbing a bottle of water she closed the fridge door, turning back to the rest of the apartment in search of the budding grocery shopper.

"Jay," she quietly called out once more, sighing in relief as she found the person in question sprawled out on the couch. He was resting on his left side, left arm tucked under a pillow that was propped up while his right arm was hanging off the couch. His feet were just kissing the end of the couch, quiet breathing noises trickling out of his relaxed yet scrunched lips. His face was very calm, looking like he was in a very, very peaceful sleep mode. Hailey hated the thought of waking him up, disturbing the very thing his brain, whole body needed right now. She crouched down so that they were basically eye level, brushing a very gentle hand on his head, starting at the very top and sweeping down to where her fingers danced under his chin. As she quietly breathed his eyelids started dancing, soon revealing very bleary, exhausted eyes. It took a couple blinks but soon he was alert enough to here her greeting.

"Hey there. Sorry to wake you up," she softly spoke, leaning over to kiss just next to his ear. Jay moaned a little, lifting his right arm away from the draped nature next to the couch and landing on her wrist.

"What time is it," he groggily asked?

"A little after 8," she spoke, smiling as she pulled away from his face. Jay's eyes went large for a second, turning to look around the room as he took in the fact that he slept most of the afternoon and early evening away.

"I think it was 4:30 when I last looked at the clock. How did I sleep for that long," he roughly spoke, now trying to sit up but being met with the stiffest, sorest muscles in the world. How did he manage to sleep so peacefully for so long only to be woken up like he'd slept on concrete for a year? Getting old, recovering from something major truly sucked.

"That's a really good nap then. Good for you," Hailey praised, helping Jay in sitting up against the back of the couch. She invited herself to sit next to him, the two of them locked at the shoulder, Hailey resting her head on his shoulder while he kissed the top of her head.

"How was work," he whispered?

"Good! This case has been so stalled for a few days now but I think we finally turned a corner. We're moving in the right direction of motive." Jay nodded, looking out at the dark room, the blank TV screen, finding sadness in the stillness of it all. He truly felt like a house husband. Some schmuck that sat at home all day while the wife went out and conquered the world. He wanted to be there with her, wanting the two of them taking on the daunting task of police detective together. Things felt so out of whack right now. He wanted it more than anything, yet here he was sleeping the day away on a couch.

"I'm glad to hear it," was all he could come up with. It was so half assed and lacking any kind of genuineness that Hailey accepted it for half a second.

"Jay, it'll happen." She felt Jay tense up, sighing as he twitched in his seat.

"Hailey, what if I never get out of here? What if I never get the strength back? What if this is it? I'm just the guy that runs errands and is exhausted after a quick stop at a grocery store while you're out there doing everything?" Hailey sighed, reaching to place and hand on his arm as the two of them allowed the wallowing to settle in for a moment or two.

"Jay, you're on the chemo pill which you've been told dozens of times is gunna knock you out. You are a little shy of two months post surgery and Amelia said it would be at least three, four months before you started feeling yourself again. This all takes time. I get that that sucks but you're still recovering. Just give it time."

"Yeah but…" he began, but Hailey ended it right then.

"Jay, I won't let you think that way. You're doing incredible. Just take comfort in that. I noticed that you went out today?!" For a split second Jay was convinced he was had, that he was somehow tracked, or Trudy told where she was, and that his whole great plan of getting back to work was up. Concluding that this was Hailey easing into a deep talk about how him even thinking about work was way too soon and that he needed to let it go. Jay sat up a little more, thinking fast of an answer for her.

"Maybe?!" It was the best his healing mind could come up with.

"I saw the water marks on the floor and your boots by the door. And you're wearing jeans finally," she excitedly finished with. Jay nodded, quietly sighing that it appeared his plan was still intact and in secret.

"If you call a quick walk around the block going out, then sure."

"Hey, that's great Jay! I'm proud of you." Jay nodded, wanting to move things away from the half lies and to anything else. He wasn't trying to lie to Hailey, hide things from her. He just wanted to do things his own way, get the ball rolling on the possibility of coming back without the fuss of Will and Hailey worrying over him. In time, when things were better and a path more clear, they'd all find out.

"Is it still snowing?"

"I think it's stopped for now. It's just snow on top of snow…on top of more snow. You know how February goes." Jay nodded, doing his best to stand up from the couch as he spoke.

"Yeah, but not having been in it that much this season it was really nice."

"Well see, that's why you're tired. You did something you haven't done in awhile. You'll get your strength back, Jay. Just give it time." He could only nod, watching her get up from the couch, brushing her long ponytail back behind her as she stood.

"So the other big plan for today was to make us dinner. I got the food delivered and everything but then just kind of lost it on the couch," Jay embarrassingly spoke. Hailey smiled, nodding as she waited for him to finish.

"That's how all those groceries got in here. I was going to be absolutely shocked if you managed to not only go to the store but also carry all that back and put it away."

"Yeah, not there just yet."

"Hey! That's totally fine. It's the thought that counts, right?!"

"Sure," Jay joked, pulling her in for a hug. This was so not like Jay since surgery. She was very taken off guard by his sudden desire to show affection but was very glad it had finally arrived.

"What's up with you," she joked as he leaned in to kiss her neck, planting one long kiss on one side before going to the other trigger spot further down.

"Making up for lost time," he whispered between kisses.

"Okay, okay!" She laughed as he pulled away the second time, reaching to grab his face in an effort to stop him.

"I love you too, but this isn't like you. Don't make me say the T word." Now Jay rolled his eyes, ending all lovey dovey acts of anything.

"God, that stupid thing gets in the way of everything."

"Not for much longer, though," she reminded.

"Now, how about we go make that dinner together?!" Jay thought quietly for a moment, looking towards the kitchen for a second before nodding that her idea was a great one.

"Sure. You start the water and I'll pour the drinks."

"Um, water for you and wine for me. You heard Amelia. No alcohol for at least six months and that was before the whole epilepsy episode. You're off anything strong for awhile." Jay rolled his eyes as exaggerated as he could, groaning as he pulled away from her and headed towards the kitchen.

"Don't remind me," he teased. Hailey laughed, following her fiancé into the kitchen. For the next half hour it was about boring water for spaghetti while meatballs roasted in the oven, not a care about how that would impact Jay's healing brain or what potential seizure episode would come of throwing spaghetti against the wall for doneness. While they weren't aware of it at the time, or perhaps they were but chose to ignore the significance of it all, they were finding their way back to normalcy. Or rather, a new kind of normalcy. They were finding their way within the confined space of the guardrails in their life. Jay still had a brain tumor, he was still undergoing the restraints of medication, and things were definitely not fully fixed, but despite it all they were finding joy in the middle of it all. Tumor be damned. Epilepsy being there to stay forever. Jay Halstead was finally, at last, in his true essence, returning to the conscious world once more.