Chapter 27

It was cold. It was damp. It was foggy. December in Derbyshire. It used to be one of his favourite times of the year. When he was home from school at this time, he loved getting a well-read book from the library, going up in the attic room with the big oval window, and reading on an old couch under several blankets. The mind of a young man was always ready for adventure, if nothing else, on the pages of a worn book. How many times they had to search the house for him until the household learnt about his favourite hiding place. He chuckled as he looked up at the window from his walk.

Darcy was at a crossroads. He felt it in his bones. The decision he was about to make would profoundly affect his life. Another week had almost past, and yet again he was treading the paths of home. He did not care that he could see his breath. He welcomed the pain of the cold air around him as it got under his garment. He understood this pain. The one in his heart was more difficult.

He had long learnt to deal with his problems on his own. His mother died in another lifetime, and his father left him just after he reached maturity, at the age of not yet two and twenty. Since then, he learnt to be his own counsel. His uncle from his mother's side, Lord Matlock, was a man who still lived in the 18th century and was very much under the influence of his own greatness as a peer of the realm. He did not like to turn to him. He was the last of the Darcys; there was no one on his father's side, not counting some distant relatives he himself did not really know. From an overheard conversation of a peer at his club some years ago, he heard of his way of solving his problems. The earl said he made a list of positives and negatives. Often, he said only making the list itself helped him. He started to adopt this method in his life as he found it useful. Now, there was a piece of paper with two columns written on it on his desk. Only it did not offer the hoped-for-ready solution. He abandoned it and ended up on the path in the cold. This was not a situation he could use his method for. This was about his life. How does one balance money with feelings?

'What I want to know is how it happened that Mr. Collins proposed to Miss Lucas and was accepted. Is she not your friend?' Bingley turned the conversation. They were still at the table, Jane, Elizabeth, and Bingley. The sisters looked at each other and stole a look at their mother.

'Just go ahead. I am over that. Their machinations cannot touch me. We are safe. Just wait, I am still to tell Mrs. Lucas about your dowries.' The girls giggled. Even Mary. Elizabeth stood and went to her mother. She squatted next to her and leant her head in her lap. 'My beautiful daughters,' she said as she lovingly stroked her daughter's face.

'Are you not going to add that I am nothing to Jane's beauty?' Elizabeth immediately regretted her comment. It was out before she realized how it sounded. Her mother froze and then her eyes filled with tears. 'Oh, Mother, it was just a joke.' She sat up next to her.

'No. Lizzy, Lizzy, you are right. Oh, no. What kind of a mother am I? How could I have said such a thing? And I have said it many times…have I not? It is true, Jane is a beauty, but you, you, my dear, are a different kind of beauty… I am so sorry. I never considered… Oh, Lizzy, forgive your silly mother.' She hugged Elizabeth fiercely.

'Mama, all is forgiven, all is forgiven.' Mrs. Bennet patted her face when she recalled that they were not alone. With chagrin, she spoke quickly.

'Oh, apologies, Mr. Bingley. My nerves got the better of me. Do not pay attention to me; I am a silly old woman. My dears, I am going to lie down a bit. Excuse me.'

'Of course.' He stood and bowed. When she left his face showed questions.

'Mama often used to say that nobody is as beautiful as me. Often Lizzy was her target. I do not think she realized how hurtful that comment was. I think she did today.' Jane explained.

'I do not know what came over me,' Elizabeth went back to the table still in shock and sat in her chair heavily. 'I did not mean to say it. I thought I only thought it… I hurt her, Jane.'

'Well, maybe it was a good pain. Mother, hopefully, will pay more attention to her words in the future.'

'I apologize, Mr. Bingley, that you had to witness such an intimate scene.' Elizabeth turned to Bingley.

'No, do not apologize. It… moved me… So, back to Mr. Collins and Miss Lucas. What happened there?' They all laughed freely.

'How do you know about that?' Jane asked.

'Sir Lucas told me at the church on Sunday.'

'We think that Mr. Collins was manipulated into proposing to Miss Lucas.' Mary sat at the table as she spoke.

'How… how?' The girls told him all they knew and thought. Bingley listened with amazement.

'As I see this is that Mr. Collins went about this business a rather crooked way. Did any of you want to marry him?'

'Well, we did not know that he was looking for one. Jane said that maybe I would have been a good choice, and probably would have accepted it to keep Longbourn in the family.'

'That is a very admirable sentiment, Miss Mary.'

'The crux of the matter is that my friend did not think of that and used her arts and allurements to draw him in. Being as he is, it was not a big feat.' Elizabeth complained. 'She came to see us, me afterwards. I did not know what to say to her. She played our family and now she will be the next mistress of this place. I think our relationship has broken.'

'May I ask what you said to her?'

'I told her how ironic it was that we not long ago had spoken about this topic, and she proved her words. She had said that a woman should show more feeling than she feels in order to encourage a suitor. We thought it was a disingenuous sentiment. I said to her I was not interested in any justification she had prepared. I wished her a happy marriage and turned away. I wanted to scream.'

'The only redeeming thing in this is that we know how desperate her situation was. She was basically on the shelf. She did not want to be a burden to her family. An opportunity came up, she used it to her advantage.' Jane tried to soothe things.

'Well, if you do not count friendship for anything, we could forgive her. But, as Miss Elizabeth said, she took an opportunity from you all. It would have been different if she had spoken to any of you first. I think it was bad form.

'I did not think of that.'

'So, I take it you did not take her advice of showing more feeling than you feel…' He chuckled at the reactions.

The evening before, after a long ride around the estate with his sister, they changed and sat in the comfortable armchairs in the library to soothe their aching muscles. The fire in the ornate fireplace quietly warmed the pair of siblings. Georgiana put a soft blanket around herself. Mrs. Reynolds ordered them hot chocolate drinks. The smell was heavenly. She brought up the name of the lady his brother had written about.

'Miss Elizabeth.' Darcy answered. Saying her name out loud had a profound effect on him. Although she was home with her family in Hertfordshire, it was like he had brought her to Pemberley. He put his hand on his heart.

'Tell me more about her. I had a feeling that I would like her.'

'You would adore her.'

'Did you like her?'

'Yes, I liked her. I liked her very much.' He stared into the fire.

'And?' He looked at his sister in question.

'You mentioned that she had several sisters.'

'Yes, four. She has a big family. I met her elder sister as well and had the opportunity to get to know her a little as well. They seem to be very close. She is a beautiful woman, Miss Bennet, but not arrogant at all about it. She is rather demure but protective of her sister. That can be said about Miss Elizabeth as well. When Miss Bennet fell ill at Netherfield, she was there the next day and she took care of her until she improved… Bingley is most probably there now calling on Miss Bennet.'

'Really? Oh, how lovely. Do you approve?'

'She would be the making of him, I think.' She nodded in understanding.

'And you? Why are you not there?'

'What do you mean? Are you not happy that I have come?' He was taken aback.

'Brother. Of course. I am very happy that you are here, but you arrived much earlier than expected. Since you have come, often you are not here in spirit. It is like you would like to be somewhere else.'

'You surprise me, Georgiana. I thought I was quite successful in hiding this… I have a decision to make.' He put down his cup.

'I see. Do you want to talk about it? I do not want to pry.'

'It is difficult to talk about it…'

'Try.'

'If I follow my heart, I go against every expectation of my station. If I choose duty, I risk losing something very precious.'

'What, Brother?'

'Love.'

On his walk, he recalled what Georgiana said. She, the young girl that she was, voted for love without much analysis. She wanted him to be happy she said. Strange as it was, he never really considered happiness. He lived his life as a service, he realized. He worked for the people of his estate and attached properties. Much of it had brought him satisfaction even enjoyment.

For the first time in his life, it was not enough. He stopped in his tracks. Bingley told him to live. What did he say to him? He told him he was thinking too much. Yes, that was his way. He told him to allow himself to just feel. He heard him then, but he was holding on to his education and his expectations. During his journey home though, he had time to think. Think. Maybe Bingley had the right of it.

He closed his eyes and called Elizabeth's face into his mind. The calming effect only thinking of her meant to him made him understand what Bingley meant. He did not really know Miss Elizabeth, but he felt in his guts that they would be great together. Opposite in some things would make them come out of their own routines. He could offer her the world; she would enjoy the opportunities his station would bring; she could learn from him, and she would be loved. He thought of what he saw in her. He wanted to see the world through her eyes. He ached to feel life that she, he thought, lived, with energy. He ached to be part of her world, and he ached to be the target of her most intimate feelings.

She would love Pemberley; he was sure of it. If she really liked the countryside, then his estate and other properties would offer her places to roam free. Would she like the busy life of being mistress of his houses? Would she enjoy organizing the life within? He thought so. She was clever. It would be a great outlet for her abilities. Could she face the ton? They would not see her barbs coming. He would protect her, in any case.

If he chose duty, all this would just become unfulfilled wishes. Maybe he could choose a lady and be lucky in that they would have a comfortable life together. The way he felt now made him shy away from choosing any other lady. How could he swear in the church to love them when he was thinking of another?

And then the crux of the matter: he was his own man. He was rich beyond most in England. Did it really matter that much what the ton would say? He was never totally comfortable with them. He did not approve of their lifestyles. They married for money and connection and then kept mistresses. Was that what he should follow?

He stopped again. Looked around. He looked around as if seeing his land with new eyes. He was tasting his decision. The feeling of relief was bubbling in him. The feeling of elation was slowly swirling around his heart. The feeling of being right dawned on him.

Life. He chose life.

He opened his arms and just felt.