"You got popcorn?" Jane asked.
Maura shook her head.
"That store by the station still open?"
Maura checked the time. It was a little after 9. "It will be, but you don't have to-"
"I want to. Did you like the wine? I can get another bottle."
Maura bit her lip. She had liked the wine. But it was a weekday, they both had work in the morning, and if she let Jane do much more for her they'd be right back where they were eight years ago.
Would that really be so bad? Maura asked herself. Anyway, they wouldn't be right back where they were. They weren't sleeping together. And we're not going to, Maura told herself firmly.
"I loved it," she said, heedless of her own advice.
Jane put on her boots and jacket. "Get comfy and set up the movie. I'll be back in 5. You want more M&Ms?"
She checked the bag. "I'll get more," she decided. "And yes, I'll get something healthy as well," she added as Maura opened her mouth.
Maura handed her a reusable grocery bag. "Here. Thank you."
Jane grinned. "My pleasure."
She left, and Maura went upstairs to change into pyjamas. In her closet, she looked for something Jane could borrow, and realised she actually had something of Jane's.
BREAK
Jane's apartment was smaller than Maura's, but it was closer to the precinct, and it was for this reason that Maura found herself tucked up in Jane's bed instead of her own, sipping herbal tea brought round by Jane's mother.
She sneezed so loudly that Jane came running from the other room.
"I'm fine," Maura said, but realised she had spilled tea all over herself.
"You're so not fine," Jane said, pulling the comforter out of the way. "Go get cleaned up, I'll find you some PJs."
As Maura passed her, Jane checked her temperature.
"You're burning up. Do you feel lightheaded?"
"I'm fine, I'm a year from being an MD, I can manage a shower on my own," Maura said, but secretly, she wasn't sure.
When she returned from the bathroom, Jane handed her an oversized Eagles t-shirt and navy BPD sweats. Maura put them on. They were soft and warm. Jane pulled her in a hug.
"No, you'll get sick too," Maura protested.
"I don't care," Jane said, holding her tighter, then guiding her into the fresh sheets she'd put on the bed. "I'm going to take the day off."
"No, you're trying to get on the homicide squad, you said last week you can't afford to miss anything."
"Okay, well at least let me call my mother. I know she's annoying, but she's great at taking care of sick people."
"Jane. I am 25 years old. I don't need anyone to take care of me."
"Normally, I'd agree. But you're really not well."
"Please don't call your mother."
Jane sighed. "Fine. But you have to promise to call me if you need anything, and if I don't pick up, honestly, Ma would love it if you called her."
"Okay," Maura accepted.
"And I'm coming back on my lunch break."
"I can't stop you," Maura said, leaning back against the pillows and closing her eyes.
"And I'm bringing the TV in here."
"Evidence suggests that having a TV in the bedroom is damaging to couples' sex lives."
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Are you seriously suggesting we have any deficiencies in that regard?"
Maura opened one eye. "No. But we don't have a TV in either of the bedrooms that we use."
"There's a TV in your living room. And my living room. And your break room, and there was one in that hotel-"
"I see your point. But there is no need to bring the TV in here for the few days it takes me to recover."
"I'll take it out when you're better."
"I won't watch it."
"Fine. The exercise will be good for me anyway."
Maura was too exhausted to argue any more. And although she strongly disapproved, it might not be so terrible to watch TV in bed.
BREAK
Maura meant to leave the faded t-shirt and sweatpants out for Jane, but was tempted to wear them herself, and when she decided against that, ended up putting them back in the drawer. It wasn't rational, but Maura couldn't bear the idea that Jane might want them back.
She put on her usual silk pyjamas, found some sweats without sentimental value for Jane to borrow, grabbed an extra blanket, then went back downstairs to set up the movie.
Meanwhile, Jane was staring into the freezer in Tesco Express, wondering what the hell she was doing. She should be home, putting in her earplugs to block out her roommate, and going to bed alone.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
It had been Maura who taught her that Einstein probably never said that, and probably didn't even believe it, since quantum mechanics relies upon the range of results achieved by particle collision.
Jane shook her head, confused.
"You were with her for five years," she muttered. "If it was going to work out, it would have."
The thing was, it had. For five years, it had worked perfectly. Well, nothing was perfect, but no one had come close before or since, and Jane still thought of those five years as the best time of her life.
And then Maura had left, and everything had fallen apart, Jane reminded herself. Everything. It had been easier to recover after getting shot. She'd spent weeks on her couch, she'd almost lost her job… And then, after a phenomenal pep-talk from Detective Korsak, she'd put all her feelings for Maura into a box, locked it tight, and thrown herself into work. She'd aced the detective exam, soared through the ranks of the homicide team, and she'd barely thought about Maura until she tapped her on the shoulder two days ago.
And now here they were, having drinks, eating dinner, solving mysteries, and the box, which had been locked so tightly, was about to burst open and Jane didn't know whether to let it, or run for the hills.
Before she could mix in another metaphor, she grabbed an all-natural frozen yoghurt and went to pay.
Maura pulled on her jacket over her pyjamas, slipped on her Ugg boots, and shoved her keys into her pocket. Jane had been gone for almost 20 minutes, and Maura knew she was being ridiculous, but she was going to look for her. It was totally irrational, but she had just got Jane back in her life. She was not prepared to lose her to a nighttime grocery run.
Maura realised, as she walked to Tesco, that the most likely explanation was that Jane had changed her mind and gone home. The more she thought about it, the more she was sure this must have happened.
By the time she went into the brightly lit store, she felt utterly dejected.
"You bastard, I put it right there!"
Maura peered around to the self checkout machines.
"It can't hear you," she told Jane, so relieved she was close to tears.
Jane turned, surprised. "You remember something else?"
Maura shook her head. "You were a long time. I came to look for you. I thought perhaps you changed your mind."
The machine beeped.
"No, I don't need assistance, I need you to register that I put the damn yoghurt in the bagging area already!"
The assistant came over, fixed the machine, and Jane paid. Once they were outside, she took Maura's hand.
"I'm not gonna lie, Maur, I was thinking about it. But I would never leave without talking to you first."
Maura shivered. Jane put an arm around her.
"What did you decide?" Maura asked as they walked. "When you were thinking about it?"
Jane took a deep breath. "I decided that I think… I'd really love for us to be friends."
Maura bit her lip. "So you'll stay for the movie?"
"Just you try and stop me," Jane said warmly.
They reached Maura's house. It took a few minutes to get ready, preparing the popcorn, finding spoons for the yoghurt, pouring the wine, and they did this without conversation, both deep in thought.
Maura was thinking about what she'd done to Jane when she'd left Boston. It hadn't been the same, she hadn't just disappeared, but they had planned a very different life.
Jane was thinking about whether saying she'd love for them to be friends counted as lying by omission. She would love to be friends. But she would prefer much more than that. She went into the bathroom to change into the pyjamas Maura had found for her. Behind the locked door, she inhaled a long breath of Maura's scent from the sweater, then gave herself a glare in the mirror for being so pathetic.
They settled on either end of the couch, and Maura started the movie. She felt strangely self-conscious, and held back her usual comments. Jane picked up the bowl of popcorn. Maura leaned over to take some, and Jane was relieved she had an excuse to move a bit closer. She shuffled over so the popcorn was easier for Maura to reach, and tried to ignore the tension between them. It was impossible.
With a grunt, Jane leaned forward, put the popcorn down, and reached to put an arm around Maura's shoulders. Maura was sitting bolt upright, her back painfully straight. Jane took her arm back, and paused the movie.
"Maura, do you need me to leave?"
"What? No, please stay," Maura said.
"You're doing that thing you do," Jane told her.
"What thing?"
"When you're anxious. You go all stiff and frozen. What's going on?"
"I… I'm thinking," Maura admitted. "I'm thinking about when I left Boston."
"Don't," Jane advised.
Maura rolled her eyes. "Thank you, excellent advice."
"Okay, well, don't agonise about it. It happened, it was years ago, and plot twist, here we are."
Maura took a shaky breath. "How can you be so relaxed about it?"
"I had my meltdown an hour ago, remember?"
"I want to be friends, too," Maura said carefully.
"I know," Jane said. "Want me to read your mind?"
"I hate when you do that. And it's not reading my mind, it's conjecture based on context and assessment of my body language."
Jane grinned. "You only hate it because I'm so good at it."
"Fine."
"Okay. You really do want to be friends. But you're worried I'm mad at you, or that it won't work out, or that we'll hurt each other again. You think we're different now, and you're scared that if we go back to how we used to be, or even parts of how we used to be, it might mess things up somehow. And you feel guilty. But you need to let that go."
Maura clenched her teeth, trying not to cry.
"I never wanted to hurt you," she said.
"I know," Jane replied, holding her again, and this time Maura relaxed, leaning against her. "Now," she took the remote and played the movie, "tell me the exact line of the Shakespeare play that this scene relates to."
BREAK
Maura felt herself being lifted, but she was too tired to open her eyes. She leaned against Jane, humming contentedly.
"You're gonna have to wake up to tell me where your bedroom is," Jane whispered.
"First door on the left," Maura mumbled.
Jane guided her onto the bed. "You're very strong," Maura told her sleepily.
"Thank you. Do you want to brush your teeth?"
"No. Yes. Maybe."
"Good answer. Hold on."
Maura heard Jane move away, then she returned, scooped Maura up to sitting, and handed her a toothbrush.
The minty smell woke Maura up enough to properly register what was happening. and she blinked. She was sitting on her bed, Jane sitting next to her, grinning.
"I forgot how cute you are when you're sleepy," Jane said.
"What time is it?" Maura said through a mouthful of toothpaste.
"Around midnight. You fell asleep right after the scene on the bleachers."
"You should have woken me."
"Nah. You needed to relax."
Maura had to admit this was probably true. She got up and finished brushing her teeth in the bathroom. Jane was still sitting on the edge of her bed when she returned.
"Do you want to stay?" Maura asked. "I have a guest room."
"Nah, I'll call a cab. But I was thinking, can I meet you for lunch tomorrow? I'll be back to interview Smith again after I go to the gallery, so I'll be around anyway."
"It may have to be lunch in the hospital cafeteria, but yes, I'd like that," Maura said.
"Great. I'll call you when I get to the hospital. Go to sleep, I'll let myself out when the cab arrives," she said.
Maura was too tired to object, and slept better than she had done in months.