It will take a few good days to get acclimated to the medication, so to help me Ken relies on other things to keep me from wigging out further. While everything out in the open makes it easier for me to deal with, still I am dealing with the feeling of being unbalanced, or teetering so close to the edge of something. Tonight after a day of work, after Owen is tucked away in bed he turns on the stereo low and just pulls me into his arms.
It takes a moment to react, not realizing he's meaning to dance. Though by dance it's more of us swaying to the music, as I relax I find myself laughing, kissing, just feeling the music flow through both of us, it's a variety of music some of it I don't always know but it's always danceable. Anything is danceable to me, still he holds my hands making me smile as he does cheesy moves that you see done in movies and t.v shows. Though in these moments, it only makes me happy.
We hold tight to each other, moving as it felt right and natural for us. Occasionally catching each other's feet but it never stopped or deterred us.
The song changes into something slower, and I melt into him more than I thought possible. The melody of the guitar lulls me into a long moment of peace.
We took a gamble with this love
Like sailing to the storm
With the waves rushing over to take us
So don't cry for your love
Cry tears of joy
'Cause you're alive
Cradled in love
I kept the love you gave me alive
And now I carry it with me
Cradled in love, it felt like that indeed, wrapped up in his arms. The song itself was soothing and beautiful as the clock on the blu-ray player tells me it's now midnight.
My 20th birthday came without little fanfare.
I snuggle deep within his arms, breathing deep in his scent as I wore an old tee shirt of his and nothing else. He kisses my nose, whispering the first of the happy birthdays. I smile in my half-sleep state, and we let sleep take over us.
I woke up to kisses down the back of my neck was one of the best presents so far. It was early, but one does not complain about such things. Not when a warm hand is running over the curves of your body in such a romantic way. I roll over to face him in my half-asleep state. It was gentle worship on his part, nuzzling my forehead and nose with his own. Quiet as mice, quiet as we can be in the morning sunlight that filters through the windows. My hands splay against the muscles of his stomach, maybe Olivia was wrong that birthday sex didn't have to be playful and fun. It can be simple and romantic and loving.
"You're beautiful, so beautiful," Ken murmurs. Kissing the hollow of my throat,
Neither of us want to waste time, but at the same time, we didn't want to rush it either. The bed creaks and my hand sneaks down to the waistband of his underwear he had slept in. From there it is all touch and want. Lazy circles from his fingers brought quiet moans from me. Throat kisses and my nails dig into the skin of his shoulders. My legs hold his hips, long sighs at his gentleness. Hands cradling my face, whispering romantic nothingness between kisses and in sync movements of our hips.
"Happy Birthday," he says in my ear when we're both relishing our afterglow.
"I think you already did that," I tell him still feeling my heart race. We lay there for another few minutes, as I watch the sunlight dance on his body, creating shadows and highlights as he lays in his underwear.
I don't know what time it is, but I doze back off for another few minutes in his arms, I only wake up to the flush of a toilet and Ken not beside me and I hear the little footsteps and doors opening and closing and before she can even react she bounded up on the bed.
She dives under the covers, and Ken who is in pyjama pants nudges over more for his own space.
"Excuse me?" I say looking down at her and grins cheekily at me.
"Appy Bifday," She recites kissing me and my heart melts. "That right Daddy?" She looks at him
"Yes, it is your mommy's birthday," Ken tells her looking over at her he smiles at me. "All right breakfast soon?"
I nod to him, but not wanting to get up just yet I cuddle Owen into me while she's agreeable to it because at some point she will be over it. By ten minutes she's beginning to fidget and dig around the covers. Crawling around my legs she throws the blankets off of us.
I don't think much of it until I feel her poke my pubic area.
"Mommy no panties," she says as pokes me again, and honestly I hadn't been in any mood to do anything more than trim lately, so I feel her run her finger over my short course hair.
"Owen don't," I say reaching for her. "We don't touch people in those areas remember?" I tell her. I also didn't want to poke around there as Ken and I hadn't thought to use anything this morning. The last thing I needed was her thinking or asking if I peed myself to something if she got too curious with her poking around.
"Come on," Ken says to Owen. "I think birthdays mean pancakes and you can help me stir?" He says to her as he grabs his pyjama pants and pulls them up and goes to find a tee shirt to wear from the basket of clean clothes that neither of us put away yet.
He carries her out of the room, letting her pretend she's an airplane and I laugh and shake my head.
I get up carefully and hurry across to the washroom. I could already feel gravity taking over and didn't want it going down my leg.
I shower quickly with my hair up in a bun, rinsing off my body and cleaning myself off. I throw on my pyjamas afterwards before I find Ken and Owen cooking up pancakes for breakfast.
Beside my cup of coffee that is waiting for me is the one pill I take in the morning. I shake my head but swallow it as Ken looks over at me. I know he's just trying to help me, and it is not a thing of not remembering, and not even that he doesn't trust me. He just hates that he didn't notice himself what was going on with me until I was at my breaking point. I do know that Rye called a few times, as he had experienced a few similar moments with Walter over the years. Finding that balance between being a helpful partner, but also not acting like a parent to the other person is a delicate process for them I gather.
"Present Daddy!" Owen exclaims as I sit down at the table when Ken brings over a plate of pancakes. Blueberry ones at that, which I did like, but there is also a cut-up mango and some yogurt for me as well.
I look at him expectedly and Ken laughs and shakes his head.
"I thought presents were for after dinner?" Ken teases me.
"Please?" I pout.
"All right," Ken says going over to his desk drawer. "I will preface this as Owen picked this out, I tried to steer her to something else, but you know how stubborn she can be," Ken says nervously.
I look at him oddly, as he brings his hands from behind his back and hands me a small little silver box.
"Open Mommy!" Owen says bouncing in her chair.
I take the box from him and pull off the bow around and open it carefully. Inside is a silver ring, or was it white gold? It looks like a tree branch with tiny little diamonds on leaves here and there as accents. I can understand his nervousness, it was a very strange gift. I pick it up and twirl it to see the other side of it, before I put it on my index finger on my left hand, and then my middle finger, where it fits perfectly.
"It's beautiful, truly it is," I tell him getting up to kiss him, and then kissing Owen's head as well as a hug. "Don't look so nervous, it's fine it's a lovely gift."
"I mean if you ever did want another sort of ring, we can always talk about that, you know that right?" Ken tells sitting down beside me to eat. "I mean back then it made no sense as our parents agreed, but these days it's different?"
"I wouldn't be opposed to such talks at some point?" I tell him coyly. "I mean if we ever did want to have another one? It would be nice to be a real family on paper. That way we can change Owen's last name to yours as well?" I tell him quietly.
Ken smiles brightly over his coffee and nods his head. I know it never bothered him Owen having my last night, but the thought still makes him smile either way.
The rest of the morning is mostly snuggles and phone calls from my family and friends. Dad was working, so we had brunch planned together still for a later date. We end up at the beach together, because summer birthdays meant a trip to the beach most of the time. Complete with a supportive swim top and shorts for me and floaty's for Owen, and Jack on a long leash with us. It's more a local beach, rather than a tourist one that usually doesn't allow dogs.
We set up the umbrella and the towels and Owens sand toys. Sunscreen was already on her exposed skin. She looks adorable in her little short sleeve swim shirt and matching shorts that has a little skirt attached to them. I give scratches to Jack who is sniffing around and digging in the sand before barking and I turn around to see Shirley and Wynnie in their beachwear with chairs and a cooler.
"Is this a surprise or a coincidence?" I ask as I hug my brother and sister-in-law and give Tank a scratch.
"A surprise, Ken told us what you were planning for the day. I know mom and dad are working and you have plans on the weekend, but we had the day free…so here we are." Shirley explains.
"From us," Wynnie says handing over a present.
"You really shouldn't have," I tell him shaking my head.
"Just open it," Shirley says gruffly. So I do it carefully, inside is a mug that had a giant R on it and a box of my favourite coffee.
"Thank you, I just ran out, and the mug is perfect," I say hugging them both once more. I stash the gift off to the side, meaning to get Ken to race it to the car at some point.
"Anytime, and happy birthday," Shirley says with a touch of gruffness. "Now where is this munchkin I used to know?" Shirley says going into uncle mode and I shake my head.
Wynnie laughed shaking her head.
"I heard you got officially accepted into the vet program?" I say to her.
"I did! It was a nerve-wracking wait, but another four years but Shirley going to be working next year and we hope to get a place of our own with that happening?" Wynnie says as we both sit down on the low beach chairs.
"Congratulations and I can only imagine you must be excited to finally have some space to yourself." I smile at her.
"It will be I think," Wynnie nods her head. "It will be good I think, you and Ken are doing alright? It's not always an easy adjustment living together?" Wynnie asks next.
"We're doing all right, though you should come over later tonight, it's been such a whirlwind, given how it happened and how fast it happened, not many people really have come over yet?" I say inviting her over hopefully.
"That would be very nice," Wynnie says nodding her head.
"Castle!" Owen comes up running to us and I look at Wynnie who laughs and nods her head. We grab the buckets and shovels from the bag and go out closer to the shore line sit in the cool sand.
We end up watching and helping Owen build sandcastles in the sand and which sand to use to make them last longer.
"Teetee!" I hear Owen squeal as I am trying to make up a tower. I thought she was making things up until I look up and see that Olivia is there in her swimsuit and Robert of course behind her. Owen jumps into her arms for a hug before Olivia puts her down.
"Liv!" I say jumping up and hugging her. "I thought?"
"You think I would miss your birthday? Seriously?" She says shaking her head.
"I missed yours," I remind her.
"Yeah but mine is in the middle of the week on a school day in March usually. "Your's in the summer and it's not like you didn't call and or mail me a present," Olivia tells me.
"I've missed you," I tell her.
"Of course, you have," Olivia clucks her tongue grinning.
Over the next half hour, more of my friends show up, Lillie and Dahlia and Chelsea who I haven't seen in a long while as well with her little boy as well. Owen grabs Leo's hand and shows him where all the toys are and I hug Chelsea.
"Happy Birthday," She tells me. "Ken messaged a few weeks ago." She explains.
"Sorry I've just been busy with work and everything," I say apologizing to her.
Some of Ken's friends come as well, and I feel slightly embarrassed when I see Xavier and Steve, who are also with Meg and Sasha who hug me like the past three years were nothing to them. They also don't bring up the other night, which I am thankful for, even though I don't think they would have anyway.
It's odd in a way as it feels like my 17th birthday in a way. Everyone here, except Owen, was older and running around and not afraid of the ocean, and I had more friends around. The only person missing was Miranda but she was on vacation with her father.
"That's a pretty shiny thing?" Olivia commented on the ring that I was still wearing.
"Shit, I mean to leave that at home," I say sighing. "It was a birthday present, and god forbid I lose it in the sand on the first day."
"So it is new?" Olivia grins. "Come on, I need details."
"There are no details, Owen picked it out, and Ken bought it and told me that before he allowed me to open the box. So you know to not scare the shit out me?" I tell her shaking my head.
"And if it had been?" Olivia presses further and I just shrug, and I look out to Ken who was running around with Owen.
"I'm 20, Liv, but we spoke briefly that it could be a nice thing in the future. For Owen to have his name as well," I tell her as I take a drink from my water bottle. "But right now, no, definitely not. If Robert proposed what would you do or say?"
"Hey I wasn't telling you to go get married, I think we're both a little too young for that I think," Olivia tells me. "You are doing all right though?" She asks quietly.
"I'm not crying in the shower anymore," I say making a small joke. "I'll survive?"
"You'll survive, or you'll live happily?" Olivia says with a raised eyebrow.
"I just need to get back on track, Ken has been lovely about it all, and Dad is diligent as ever," I say sighing. "Honestly the most confusing thing about this all is my mother's reaction."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because, I did the thing she was afraid of me doing, and she hasn't said a word about it to me," I tell Olivia. "It's a fucking mind twist, but things are getting better between us slowly," I tell her.
"I'm glad for that," Olivia says wrapping her arm around me.
"Apparently her mother used to dance, not ballet or anything but just in general. Always moving to the music," I tell her next. "I remind her of her sometimes I guess? Which I guess it's fate that I got her name as a middle name after all. My grandfather was a music teacher and played piano, much like Shirley does and is going to be."
"Well, at least you both come by it honestly," Olivia tells me and I nod my head.
We let Jack off the leash for a little bit, as he races in the shallow water jumping over waves with us later that afternoon, Tank as well with Shirley and Wynnie, thundering around on his short legs.
"Come on Jack-Jack," Ken whistles as he throws the ball out towards the sandy shore. Jack runs after it. The sunlight on his body in a glorious fashion, highlighting the angles of his shirtless body.
"Keep it in the pants why don't you?" Olivia nudges me with a splash.
"Oh, like you're one to talk," I say sticking out my tongue.
"I love Robbie, but I don't look at him like a piece of meat you wish to play with," Olivia reminds me. "In public anyway," she adds on.
I shake my head as I watch Shirley with Owen.
"Jack, that is not your—"Ken says loudly. "Give me that, seriously crabs are not your friends!" He fights our dog for the shellfish.
I laugh shaking my head and moving toward them.
"Seriously, Jack I don't have enough money for another 800$ vet bill because you want to be friends with everything," Ken says groaning.
"That's with the friends and family discount," Wynnie chips in.
"God, don't tell me that," Ken groans once more. "
"Well, I don't work for free, unless you plan on tutoring my future children's history one day," Wynnie teases him.
"Add some dance lessons to that," Shirley adds to Wynnie's list grinning comically at me.
"Oh very funny, that will depend on talent alone from me," I say splashing him. "Come on Owen, you don't want to play with Uncle Ogre do you?"
"Yes, me do!" She says shaking her head and Shirley grins further at me.
We goof around on the beach for most of the afternoon, taking turns swimming with Owen in the ocean and splashing around in the shallow parts as she searches for seashells. Teaching her that she can pee in the ocean when she exclaimed she needed to go potty. There are coolers of food and drinks for everyone when we take a break in the old picnic pavilion that has a few old charcoal grills. The men grill up some burgers and hot dogs, there are chips and because it's me. There is salad and vegetables, but also pasta salad and fruit salad as well. Ken's friends pass me a card when I exclaim that it was necessary that shook their heads. It was a birthday party after all.
I look around me, in some sort of bizarre amazement as I feel myself tear up. I try to shove it down, but I end up crying which shocks a few people.
"Happy tears, I promise," I say waving my hands to tell them not to worry. "Just a little overwhelmed but they are happy tears," I exclaim when my friends notice.
We eat in a loud chatter, Ken's hand warm on my thigh beside me as Olivia has Owen beside her who was eating bun-less hotdogs with a vengeance and had ketchup all over her face. When someone burps loudly by accident, she looks at me and I raise my eyebrow at her.
"Say Cuse me!" She says sternly and everyone snickers.
"Excuse me," Steve says. "That was rude of me."
"Uh-huh," she says nodding her head and everyone laughs.
"Cake?" She looks at Ken.
"Finish your dinner first," Ken shakes his head with a knowing look.
When we are all finished Ken brings out one last cooler from their spot and there are two small cakes. Both were my favourite, strawberry shortcakes from the bakery that we both know and trust when Owen was eating something.
There are no candles thankfully, but Olivia helps me cut the cake and Ken holds Owen back from the knives.
In the end, Ken must have told them when they ask that a gift card to a dance store was best for me. While Lillie and Dahlia had gone in together and got me some bath stuff, Olivia being Olivia got me a gift to the sex shop. With a note that said for your own preferences, but here's something to start with." I look inside the bag and quickly shut it and glare at her.
Fuzzy leopard patterned handcuffs indeed.
"Mommy show!" Owen tells me trying to peak into the bag, her hand always going inside.
"Owen no!" and I see Olivia howling with laughter when Owen does get a hold of the fuzzy rings. "Police rings!"
Owen falls asleep in the car on the ride home which makes me sigh as she needs a bath before bedtime. Shirley helps Ken bring in some of the things as I am carrying Owen in my arms, while Wynnie has the dogs.
I asked them if they wanted to come over, I invited Olivia and Robert as well, but they had plans was her mother and stepfather Kwan.
"So are you tasked with making sure that I have food in my fridge and how I am doing?" I ask Shirley as he looks around Ken's apartment for the first time since I've officially moved in. This time I wasn't hiding the pillows and smirked when he noticed them. "Do they know you are here?"
"They know I'm here," Shirley tells me simply. "I mean the place is already as clean as your old room generally was, and had more of your things around now. You even have your old barre in the corner set up. I'm sure I can snoop around the kitchen later to tell them that you're eating how you've usually eaten in the past eight years."
I roll my eyes at him. "I have to give her a bath now, otherwise her hair will be a nightmare."
"Don't worry about us," Wynnie tells me. "We can relax and help Ken with dinner if needed."
"I was just going to order pizza?" Ken says.
"Sounds to me," Shirley says. "Let me know how much I'll pay for half?"
"You don't have to," Ken says shaking his head. "You're usual love?" Ken asks me and I nod my head.
Shirley's eyes turn to me at Ken's pet name. I excuse myself and shake Owen awake and into the bathtub.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie?" I hum as I brush back her wet locks from her face.
"Fish?'
"What about fish?" I ask her.
"In sweater," she says innocently. "Bath so swim?"
I look at her.
"Ken!" I call out "Now please,"
"What's wrong?" He asks opening the door.
"Fish Daddy!" Owen exclaims.
"She brought a fish home in her sweater," I tell him. "Honey, Fish need water to stay alive. I don't think a fish could survive in your sweater." I try and tell her.
"Well that explains why the dogs keep hanging about the coat," Ken says sighing. "I will deal with it."
"Fish!" Owen splashes the water, completely overtired at this point. I sigh and grab the shampoo hoping to get her washed and dried before a full-blown tantrum. "Fish!"
"We can look at fish at a pet store," I try to reason with her and she splashes me. "No, you don't splash mommy like that," I say gently grabbing her hand before she could hit the water once more. "No," I warn her sternly.
She looks at me with such defiance, and I wait a moment before I release her hand.
"No!" She shrieks and splashes me again.
"Okay, that is time out," I say grabbing a towel and hauling my kicking and screaming child from the tub. At least in the towel, she wasn't as slippery.
"You know, I sort of missed her tantrums," Shirley says as I come out of the bathroom.
"Shut it, Shirley," I snap at him as I go into Owen's room. I plunk Owen down on her bed and wrestle her into her nightgown over clammy skin. It doesn't take though, because she essentially takes off the moment I let go of her arms.
"Do I need to get daddy?" I threaten her with a stare and her little nose scrunches up.
"Elowen Amalia Rose," I hear Ken from the doorway. "If you don't listen to us, you will go to bed straight after dinner and no park tomorrow," Ken tells her as she huffs and kicks her legs.
"Elowen," he warns once more, crouching down in front of her and grabbing her nightgown from my lap. A silent I'll handle this if you go see to your brother look.
"Well at least I know she's keeping you on your toes," Shirley smirks learning the kitchen counter when I enter the kitchen.
"Very funny," I say opening the fridge and going straight for the bottle of wine. "Wynnie?"
"Oh yes please," She nods her head.
I pour us both a glass and take a long drink out of mine sighing.
"We have one more thing for you actually, from Di," Shirley says going for one of their bags and bringing out a wrapped present.
"Di?" I say confused as I open the box, inside is a book on the top and I realize what it is exactly. My photos from two weeks ago, I can't believe she managed them this fast. I can't believe she printed them in this book for me.
"So you know about her shop then?" Shirley asks and I nod my head.
"What do you think mom and dad will say?" I ask him looking at the ethereal photos of the bridal gown and pink dress she had put me in. Near the end was what took me by surprise, all the boudoir-inspired photos. All the peonies, roses and lace that were highlighting and decorating my body.
"My god that is gorgeous," Wynnie says taking a drink of wine. "Don't look it will burn your eyes," She tells Shirley who scrunchies up his face because he didn't heed her warning soon enough.
"I think Mom and Dad will have more of a cow if she hangs any of that on her wall," Shirley says shaking his head.
"It's beautiful," Wynnie tuts him.
I put the book down, picking up the silver frame. It's one that doesn't show my face, slightly off-focus, it looks more magazine editorial ad for the lace robe, than an everyday photo, but it's serene and romantic. The only giveaway that it was me, was the fact that you could see my hair colour in it, tangled in the floral garland.
"What is that?" Ken says coming into the kitchen with calmed down Owen, though she was still sulking on his shoulder. I hand him the frame and his face softens he's seen the photo's from my phone. I know he wants one of them…one that is not obviously sensual for his office.
"Mommy?" Owen says looking at it. "Pretty."
"Yes, mommy is very pretty isn't sure," Ken says quietly, still enchanted by the photo.
Rilla is twenty!
The song is by Poets of the Fall, Cradled in Love.
Hope everyone has had a good week. If you have any moments to spare I always thrive on any comments you may send my way!
Tina.