A/N 1:
It's been a while since we have heard from Chuck, so here is what is on his mind. And yes, a lot of it is Sarah.
A/N 2:
Still don't own Chuck, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda
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As Chuck's world and world view were undergoing twists and turns, they did have routine and missions to distract them. Chuck and the analysts were always busy; their inboxes of intel were always full.
Chuck had been tasked with reviewing secondary and tertiary ports around the Mediterranean, looking for possible smuggling routes that had yet to be identified. He was to then help develop strategies for the best use of resources, for monitoring criminal activity.
A port name triggered a flash. But this wasn't the old flash of a data dump, he now had flashes of insight and connections, The port name triggered an insight about a ship name and registry, which led to a connection about its owners being disreputable businessmen, which led to a connection about communications offering minimally monitored, low cost docking permits, which led to a connection about an up and coming Columbian drug cartel, looking to expand distribution.
So, Carina and Casey took a field team to explore a warehouse district, near a small port, in France.
The success of the recon mission, with all of the other intel, led to the capture of the major players, and the shutdown of a cartel, in its infancy. If it had been left to grow, it would have led to the typical turf wars, which turned neighborhoods into warzones and got innocents killed.
Chuck was saving lives before they were even put into danger. He was saving the world, without having to be Charles Carmichael, in anything other than name.
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Team Carmichael was back at work, but things are different. Chuck is the titular boss, but he is spending all of his time in meetings, calls to Washington, and strategy sessions.
Chuck sat at his desk, reviewing Ioana's file one more time, before including it with his recommendation. He was recommending her to replace him as Head of the Analysts. He had been mentoring Ioana Baciu since he first met her, seeing the intelligence in her eyes. She has a sharp mind and is also good with people. She should do a fine job.
He signs the recommendation as Charles Carmichael, and repeats it to himself in his bad Sean Connery impression "Carmichael, Charles Carmichael" and reflects, am I out dated? Iron Man isn't using a secret identity anymore. Neither is Captain America. Heck they had the whole Civil War series about whether secret identities are appropriate.
He closes the file and leans back. Who are you Charles Carmichael? And, do I need you anymore? With my actions as the Intersect, limited to the top Agency Heads, who am I hiding from? And, if I am going to have any kind of real life Charles Bartowski has to appear, with some kind of accounting for the past years.
I guess the fake name is handy if there was a security breach. If some word of the Intersect got out, I guess it is better for the bad guys to chase someone imaginary, but that means I need to stop running around and representing myself as Charles Carmichael, or it defeats the purpose of hiding me.
He shakes his head, and with a wry smile ponders, Oh Charles, Charles, Charles, what a mess you are. I never could figure out who you could be, while still being me. Everybody said you have to be emotionless and uncaring, but I couldn't go full Constantine, and embrace being an inconsiderate prick. And, I am glad I didn't go full psycho like Rorschach. Bryce Bond was bad enough. But they can't be right. If we are serving the public good, we can't disregard the impacts of our actions on ourselves and others, and how our emotions are involved.
He frowns, recognizing, In my meetings, it's crazy how many times I have to be the one to ask about collateral damage. Maybe I should start calling it killing innocents, and see if that can re-prioritize it in the grand scheme of things.
Chuck brings his hands to his face and rubs it with both palms. How do we, how do I, make sure I stay the good guy? Miller had Daredevil try to work all of this out 20 plus years ago. When do you go too far and become the Punisher?
Where is the balance? Before I got caught up in all of this, it was so easy to glamorize the world of heroes, while overlooking the implied harsh realities underlying things. Hell, Han was a smuggler who shot first.
Where do I set my bar? What is a moral code that I can live with, while living in the real world?
I hope I did the right thing, on all those field missions. I think the deaths I caused were justifiable at the moment. Talking to my Dad and Casey really helped me put it in perspective, because it was really wearing on me.
Chuck sits up straight, I just feel like I need to be even more vigilant, now that I am planning strategies. I thought it was bad worrying if a bad shot was going to hurt an innocent person. Now I need to make sure we don't blow up or assault a whole building full of innocents.
But, I think I can do it. No, I am doing it. I am creating a new normal that I, Chuck Bartowski, can handle. Instead of that new abnormal that I was trying to adjust to as Charles Carmichael.
His demeanor softens, his eyes focusing beyond his surroundings. It's amazing that my life is anywhere close to normal, but Mom and Dad returning really reset things. I am overdue in checking in with them, back in D.C.. How amazingly normal that sounds, "I need to call Mom and Dad." He tears up a little, a lump suddenly in his throat. God, how Ellie and I ached for that normality.
He wipes his eyes and smiles. I feel like I am finally living up to my potential, and with a purpose. In my own way, I am helping save the world from bad guys. Stuck at the Nerd herd desk, this wasn't even conceivable. My highest aspiration was keeping grandma's email working and mitigating the disaster that was Jeff and Lester.
And now I am doing this. It is amazing. Then his smile grows to fill his face and his eyes light up. But the most amazing thing in my life is Sarah. A movie writer couldn't have come up with more twists and turns than we ran into. And somehow she is back in my life. God, I hope it is to stay.
I wouldn't trade her for anyone else in the world, but I will be so happy when she finally finds herself. His eyes well up again this time for her pain. The stories she told me about her childhood, combined with all of her CIA nightmares, tear me up, just hearing about them. And she had to live them. I can't blame her for being dysfunctional. And, I am so proud of her for facing her demons head on, and boldly working through them.
It kills me that I contributed to some of her pain, my foolishness over the past year really caused her grief. But we are talking through it, and she accepts her own failings. And really, for the most part, did we do anything in our personal lives that is worse than most young adults?
We do stupid crap and then learn from it.
I think we are going to be OK. I'll give her time, but I am so ready now. I just need her to commit, to agree that she will be with me for the long haul, in spite of the expected bad times, not running when it gets bad. I think she is close, but just can't come to terms with whatever it is.
He grins. And she is being a good sport about the celibacy. Heck, somehow it isn't driving me crazy. But I can't do it. I can't experience that level of intimacy with her and then lose it.
My heart ached, missing her presence and the friendship we shared. I don't know how I could stand the pain of experiencing her love, and then losing it.
If she can just commit, if she can just say yes, He smiled broadly, it will be glorious.
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Chuck opens the car door for Sarah, and asks "How are you feeling? Good?"
"More than good." She replies getting in the car. When Chuck made it to the driver's seat, she adds, "That was not anything I was expecting, when we started out today. How did you find it?"
"One of the analysts, Lars Jensen, is involved, and told me about the Euro Food Bank, and this group here in Rome. So I started coming about a year ago and helping out however they needed me. It filled a need for me to do something at a personal level, a tangible expression of the Greater Good."
"Well they seem to appreciate you." Sarah comments, recalling the warm welcome he received.
Everybody seemed to know and like "Carlo B." From the Team leader, to the other workers, to the drivers of the trucks he helped to unload. And he was respected enough, that their welcome was warmly extended to Sarah, and they accepted his request that Sarah be assigned to distribution, so she could meet the people.
"It was an amazing experience. I got to meet so many amazing people. And I've never had such an intense experience of compassion. Joining with them, and directly interacting with them and the people we were helping, was an amazing bonding experience. I not only got to meet the greater good, I felt like I was part of the greater good. I met families, I got hugs from kids and the elderly. I got to be a friend to the shut ins, who only come out for this weekly trip."
Chuck stretches out his arm, inviting her to lean into him, and kisses the top of Sarah's head when she does.
"That's why I wanted you to come. We've gone undercover at many charitable events, but didn't have time to think about the underlying cause. This allows us to be involved up to our elbows." he explained.
"And I wanted you to experience being immersed in compassion and caring. Your Dad, and to some extent Langston, tried to convince you that everyone is bad, everyone is greedy, everyone is selfish, so they could excuse the damage and abuse that they chose to inflict on anyone."
He hugs her tight, offering support to go along with the bad memories he dredged up.
"Those people aren't selfish, they aren't greedy, and they aren't so rich that they can give without sacrifice. Those are just normal, everyday people, who choose to give their limited time and limited resources, to help others. Those are the people your Dad said didn't exist."
Sarah was quiet, lost in the swirling thoughts and emotions that the day, and his words, elicited.
Chuck continues, "There is a lot out of our control, and Langston and your Dad took even more control away from you. Now is your time to reclaim it. From what I can gather, there are only two things we have total control of; our actions and our reactions to others actions."
"At any moment I do have control and choice over the kind of person I want to be. Regardless of circumstances, baggage, and others, I can choose to be an Asshole, or I can choose to be compassionate and caring. And that is a choice a can, and need to make, every moment of every day."
"Today I helped you choose to be compassionate. But, I want you to remember that you have this power, you have this choice. From this moment on, you can leave your past behind, and start choosing to be a different person. You can't choose your future, but you can choose how you are going to experience it."
Sarah was stunned into stillness. Chuck words, heavy with meaning, also seemed to lighten her spirit. This could be her path to the future. This could be how she gets over her past. This is something she could grab hold of, a Micro task that changes the Macro game.
She snuggled deeper into Chuck's arm, as he navigated the streets back home. A home that wasn't dependent on location, but was built on choices and relationships that were nurturing, not damaging. Each day another step away from her past tormentors.
I have always worried that I wasn't good enough for Chuck. If he is right, I can simply start being someone worthy of his love and a true, equally giving partner in our relationship.
Years of abuse cannot be swept away in a moment, and while her brain understood everything that they discussed, it would take a little time for her heart and soul to accept this path to redemption.
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A/N 3:
It's late, don't got much to say. Chuck Fanfiction on Facebook, you go. Zettle just dropped a new chapter of "The Missionary". I need to go read that. You should too.
Shoutout to Awesome Casey for his insights.