Home is Not a Place
Rachel and Julien stumbled together into his beautiful penthouse apartment locked in a passionate kiss after another excellent afternoon date. The food was simply divine, as was the wine which left her slightly buzzed and extremely turned on. Julien always treated her to the best culinary experiences in the best spots in the city - and she had to admit the sex that usually followed was pretty great too.
They undressed each other on their way to his bedroom and fell together onto his bed, Rachel sandwiched between his amazing body and the lushest sheets her bare skin had ever touched. It didn't take very long either for his skillful moves to push her over the edge for the first time that day, and she loudly made that fact known to him.
His home was pretty much a haven for her like that, where she could let loose and not worry about the rest of the world for a few hours, responsibilities and troubles be damned. Ever since her arrival in Paris, she had mostly only been able to foster the mom version of herself – or the professional, during business hours. Now, she was finally getting the chance to reconnect with the woman Rachel, and it was a kind of freedom she hadn't realized she missed that badly.
Julien repositioned himself above her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear, in French nonetheless, which aroused Rachel even more. Soon enough she was writhingbeneath him again, another powerful wave of pleasure crashing over her. After he found his own release, he collapsed next to her and mumbled a few words she couldn't quite understand but didn't bother to ask.
Both took their time to regain their breaths while staring at the ceiling. A few silent minutes later, Julien turned his stubbled face to look at her and she did the same.
"You are so beautiful." He whispered and she smiled. "I'll be right back."
He placed a quick kiss on her temple and left the bedroom.
Rachel watched him go and after he disappeared in the corridor, she let her eyes wander around the rest of the room. White walls, white linen, antique furniture, and few but carefully curated décor pieces. Exactly the type of thing she knew she could never have – or at least not anytime soon – because Emma's little sticky hands were always dropping things and leaving stains everywhere.
She involuntarily chuckled at the thought. This didn't make her crave what she couldn't really have, no. It just made her miss her little girl, so she looked around the room for her cellphone to see if there were any messages from Morgan about her.
"Emma is asking if she can have hummus for dinner – you're all out. All good here, just woke up from her nap." Said a message from fifteen minutes ago.
Rachel smiled and began to dress herself. By the time Julien came back, still au naturel and holding two glasses of port, she was already fully dressed and ready to leave.
"You're not staying for dessert?" He asked and she didn't catch any hint of true disappointment in his tone. It was really just a question.
"I want to spend the rest of the day with Emma." She explained simply.
"Oh, OK."
He didn't press her, he never did. Both always seemed pretty content with this arrangement – great meal over some uncomplicated conversation followed by fantastic sex, then parting ways so each could do their thing and spend the night in their own beds. For the past month or so, however, as the novelty of it all began to fade, Rachel started waiting for that longing sensation to come, the day she would not want to leave. When she would want to come over and see him even if just to talk, or simply be around each other in perfect silence.
But this day never came.
Yes, this was all a lot of fun. And on her 30th birthday, Rachel had decided she wouldn't settle for just that anymore.
She bit her lip.
"Julien, we need to talk."
"Rachel, I don't understand. What was wrong with him?" Nina asked during their next girls' night "out" – which had to be sort of "in" this time because little Stella was sick. Nina's husband Antoine was watching the sleeping kids inside while the girls enjoyed a bottled of wine and a nice cheese board out on their beautiful terrace.
"There was nothing wrong with him. It just wasn't going anywhere. He didn't seem surprised either, so that's very telling too."
Nina still looked confused but decided not to press her anymore.
"Alright. But now you're asking me to set you up with someone new? How would I even know what to look for if you're telling me there was nothing wrong with Julien?"
"OK, I guess what she's saying is that we just need to look for different qualities." Lisa stepped in, trying to have Rachel's back. She too had recently began dipping her toes on the dating pool again and knew exactly just how tricky it could get when you had kids in the mix. Contrary to Rachel, however, she was still very much just focused on fun, at least for the time being. "Maybe we shouldn't be looking for bachelors anymore, let's leave those for me." She smirked and Rachel chuckled. "Maybe we should find her someone who's been committed before, bonus if he also has kids or at least has some experience with them."
Rachel and Nina pondered about it.
"Makes sense." Rachel agreed. "I never felt like Julien was interested in being a part of Emma's life, which I guess he somewhat needed to be if we were actually going somewhere, right? I mean, I'm not looking for a father for her, she has one. But you know what I mean."
Nina tapped her own lips, giving this some thought.
"Yeah, OK. I see what you're saying. I'll think about it and talk to Antoine."
About a month later, Denis came into the picture. He was Antoine's friend from university and had been divorced for a year, with two daughters a little older than Emma. They hit it off pretty well too, and from day one it was clear this was not going to be just fun. She could tell from the start he was ready to commit, which was kind of scary to be honest, but she tried to remain cool since this was exactly what she'd sort of asked for, after all. He was way more down to Earth than Julien and their dates, though less lavish or steamy, were somehow even more intimate, given that their conversations went a lot deeper.
But that didn't last either. Sure, Denis was sweet, emotionally available, and attractive. And still Rachel feelings didn't develop the way she expected them to.
A real relationship could be more than that, she knew it could.
"Hey Mon."
"Hey. Is this a good time?"
"Sure. Everything OK?"
"Yeah. The twins are down and we're trying to figure out what to watch tonight, Chandler's going to pop by the video store in a sec."
Rachel chuckled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Here she was, make up almost done, beautiful dress on, heels… almost ready to hit the town on a date she hoped would go well. Their lives couldn't be more different if they tried.
"Oh fun." Rachel said and really hoped she didn't sound condescending. That was truly not the intention.
Monica chuckled back, no offence taken.
"I was trying to remember that movie you told me about the other day, with that annoying guy we still love somehow?"
"Oh, right."
They chatted until they could figure out what movie Monica was referring to, which Rachel had raved about during their last call not long ago. Nothing deep, just a silly comedy for some easy laughs.
"Hey, so when do you think you can come over for a visit?" Rachel asked, as she often did without much success getting an actual answer. "The list of restaurants I wanna take you to just keeps growing and growing."
"I know." Monica sighed. "Ross is always telling us about how you know all the best spots in the city."
Rachel smiled.
"Yeah, he's been benefiting from my acquired knowledge of all the good restaurants now."
"It's nice to see you guys handling this co-parenting thing so well, Rach. Especially under these unique circumstances."
She smiled again. Sure, it was challenging raising a child together juggling their time between two different countries, but they were somehow making it work.
"Yeah, I guess we are."
"Hey, so what's up with you?" Monica asked, dodging yet again an actual answer about visiting them. "Big plans for today?"
"Yeah, I'm almost on my way out actually, I have a date. I wanna be home tonight to tuck Emma in though, so we're just having lunch."
"Ohh. What are you wearing?"
Rachel laughed.
"Monica, you sound like a creep."
"It's Saturday night here and I'm in old sweats and a messy bun, not the cute kind. Let me live vicariously through you, please?"
Rachel chuckled.
"Fine. A black dress and Jimmy Choos."
"Nice. Who are you meeting up with? Gabriel?"
"Oh, no, that didn't last long. No, it's Georges now. Second date, let's see how it goes."
"Look at you, man eater!" Monica joked and Rachel didn't feel any judgement in her tone either, quite the opposite, so she laughed again.
"Yeah, it's been, let's say, busy. Thought it would be easier to find true love in the most romantic city in the world, but oh well."
"Well, at least you're getting good meals out of it."
"Can't say that I haven't." She agreed and heard Monica sigh wistfully on the other side. "Hey, why don't you guys get a sitter one day and enjoy a night out in the city?"
"I wish. It feels like forever since we've last been able to do something like that. Work's been so busy and on the weekends we've been trying to spend time with mom and dad and-" She stopped talking and Rachel's heart broke a little. She knew things haven't been great for the past month or so.
"I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to-"
"I know. It's OK."
They talked some more until Monica had to go, saying something about warming up some food in the microwave and curling up on their cozy couch with her husband. On her side of the ocean, Rachel applied a second coat of mascara and texted Georges to confirm the name of the trendy restaurant where they were supposed to meet.
Rachel arrived late for her playdate with Lisa and Kingston, without Emma but with one cup of coffee on each of her hands. Her friend furrowed her brows and opened her arms questioningly.
"Bloody hell, Rachel! How do you show up to a playdate without the kid? Nice touch on the coffee though."
Lisa reached out to grab the extra disposable cup, but Rachel pulled her hand back.
"This isn't for you. And geez, hi!"
"Hi." Lisa's tone was still confused. "Where's Emma?"
Rachel smiled and took a deep breath.
"Well, I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't want you to make a huge deal out of it, but Ross will be joining us today. He's got Emma, he took her to a little exposition at the Pompidou while I enjoyed a bit extra sleep this morning. They're on their way though, he just called."
Lisa's expression changed and she grinned. She's always had this huge curiosity to meet her friend's ex, but for one reason or another it had never worked out before. Honestly, Rachel preferred it that way.
"Ohhhhh. Interesting."
"Please behave." Rachel warned and Lisa chuckled.
"What do you think I'm gonna do, Rachel?"
"Talk too much? Say something inappropriate and make him uncomfortable?"
Lisa hit her across the arm.
"It was a rhetorical question!"
They were settled down on a picnic blanket a few minutes later when a familiar voice reached their ears.
"Maman!"
Both turned around to find Emma running towards them at full speed with Ross following closely behind, also carrying two cups of coffee.
"Oh, mon bébé." Rachel picked her up and gave her a kiss. "How was the museum?"
Emma rambled on and on about the sculptures and paintings with so much detail that Rachel could very clearly picture Ross saying those exact same words to their child, who listed to him so attentively.
"Yeah? Oh, honey, that sounds like so much fun."
Ross finally caught up to them and they all smiled at one another. Lisa couldn't help but notice all the cups between them and covered her smile.
"Hey." Ross finally said.
"Hey. Looks like you guys had a lot of fun." Rachel commented.
"Yeah, Emma learned a lot about Surrealism today, right Em?"
"Oui!" She replied excitedly, and then she finally noticed Kingston on a blanket next to theirs, entertained by several toys around him. "Kingston!"
Rachel put her down so the little girl could join her friend - or, as she still like to call him, boyfriend.
"Ohh, so that's the famous Kingston." Ross said with amusement as they all watched the kids say their hellos with a sweet hug.
"Yep. That's my boy." Lisa said proudly.
"And you must be Lisa. Hi."
Ross extended his hand, and she shook it. Rachel tried to read the look on her friend's face, but failed.
"Hi. Pleasure to meet you, Ross." She said.
"You too."
Ross looked back at Rachel, obviously noting the fact Lisa too could offer his name so readily like that. Rachel ignored it and instead changed the subject.
"I guess we both had the same idea with the coffee, huh?"
Ross looked down at all the cups and chuckled.
"I guess we did. I suppose coffee is still meaningful to us somehow."
Rachel nodded. Even though that thought hadn't occurred to her when she decided to grab them, it made perfect sense.
"Can I get the extra cup now, Rachel?" Lisa asked in a teasing tone.
"Sure."
The three adults sat back down on their blankets by the kids, Rachel even added an extra one she pulled from her bag along with some snacks. They talked for quite some time while the kids kept going back and forth between their toys and the adults, very quickly deciding to focus most of their attention on Ross, who Kingston easily warmed up to.
Rachel could feel her friend's eyes piercing her as she watched Ross help their daughter with her sippy cup while he told Kinston all about the dinosaur on the boy's socks, but she just couldn't help it. It only became unbearable when the trio left them alone after Kingston unexpectedly tagged Ross and ran away, taking their game to a nearby playground.
"What?"
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
"OK, then what am I saying, Rachel Green?" Lisa defied her, but Rachel just looked away and shook her head. "Hey." Rachel looked back at her, and Lisa's kind eyes disarmed her a little. "I've just never seen you smile like this before. It's nice."
Rachel couldn't deny that of course this was different. This would always be different.
She bit her lips when she felt tears coming, but Emma's sudden cry hijacked her attention. Both turned around quickly to see Ross picking Emma up while she wailed. Rachel figured she had fallen and scrapped her knees because they looked red but thankfully without any blood. She fought the urge to rush to them, letting Ross have this moment himself. After having to deal with so many of their daughter's adventures by herself by now, her heart was a little more trained at taking it – which is not so say it didn't still ache for her child.
"Hey, are you OK, sweetie?" Ross asked Emma with so much tenderness that Rachel couldn't help but smile again despite the inevitable pang.
Emma answered unintelligibly while clinging to him tightly. Ross stroked her back soothingly and looked at Rachel, who affirmed her smile and nodded to assure him that all was OK.
"She's getting tired. We should go home and put her down for a nap if that's OK."
"Of course."
That night Ross and Rachel tucked Emma in together. Because she'd slept quite a lot in the afternoon, it took longer than usual for the little girl to finally give in to slumber. Rachel suspected though that there was also another reason behind it. It was just so rare for her to get moments like this, both of her parents at the same time, only them, reading books, stroking her hair, answering her endless random questions so patiently.
Why did people have to sleep?
Did fish sleep too?
Where were Aunt Phoebe and her baby now?
After she finally surrendered, they kissed her forehead lovingly and exited the room together. Rachel looked down at her watch and then up at Ross, who was watching her.
"I bet you can still make the movie if you rush."
She'd shared with him earlier Georges' plans of maybe going to the movies and grabbing dinner afterwards, enjoy the fact Ross would be here to watch Emma through the night. But urgh... Yeah, it was still early and yeah, it was Saturday night. Yeah, Georges was gorgeous and totally into her. Still, there were a few a different ways she would rather spend the rest of her evening.
"I think I'm actually gonna pass. Just the whole dressing up and going out and having to make small talk and, urgh, it's so cold outside right now. I have a nice bottle of wine my boss gave me and some pizza leftovers in the fridge. Wanna just hang out and watch something bad on TV instead?"
Ross chuckled and nodded.
"That sounds great."
Rachel texted Georges a brief excuse and apology and took a long hot shower while Ross got everything ready. She loved how at home he seemed in her apartment after so many visits now. When she first started dating here, he'd suggested maybe staying at a hotel going forward but, once again, Rachel would have none of it. She assured him that as long as Dana was OK with it, he shouldn't worry about the guys she was seeing because she would always make sure they knew from the get-go that this was non-negotiable.
When she was done, she changed into a Knicks sweatshirt not unlike one she had stolen from him when they were dating, and a pair of shorts that had shrunk so much in the washing machine that she mostly only wore them at home now. She watched her bare face on the mirror and smiled to herself, knowing she never really had to worry about covering her tired eyes and skin imperfections around the man who'd seen more of her - both at her best and her worst - than anyone else in this world, quite literally.
By the time she joined him, Ross was already settled on the couch, which was already pulled out and all set to accommodate him overnight. She smiled at the sight and couldn't help but recall the conversation she'd had with Monica some weeks before, about comfy clothes, warmed up old food and questionable entertainment. Not to mention the company.
"So, what are we watching?" She asked and he turned around. "May I?" She gestured toward the space next to him.
"Oh. Of course."
She settled down beside him, while he fumbled with the remote.
"Anything good on TV?"
"Nope."
"Perfect." She joked and he chuckled.
"But I did find more than just pizza in your fridge. You also had some Chinese which looked suspiciously old, but I tried it and I think it's alright."
"Oh, yum. I forgot that was in there."
He laughed again while Rachel fussed over the plates and all the food he'd set on the coffee table that had been pushed to the side, closer to where she was siting on the pulled out sofa.
"Bon appétit!"
"Not exactly Michelin star worthy, I know." Rachel commented, taking a bite of the old warmed up food on her plate. "Mmmm, but it's not bad either, is it?"
Ross smiled at her, and she could see true affection in his eyes. It made her smile even harder.
"It's not bad at all."
"You have to try this chicken." She said as she put some on his plate.
"Thanks. OK, I think our choices are narrowed down to uh… Back to the Future, Rain Man and uh, the news, I guess? All in French, of course."
Rachel giggled.
"You know, I might actually have some DVDs I brought from the States for Emma."
She hopped off the couch to look through the drawers on the TV rack.
"Oh yeah, I think I brought some last time I came over too."
"OK, we got uh… Finding Nemo… Lilo & Stitch… Toy Story…" And then she paused, a smile lighting up her face again.
"What?"
She picked up a DVD case and showed it to him: Jurassic Park.
"Has she seen it yet?" He asked with excitement and Rachel scoffed.
"No!"
"Alright, alright. I suppose it is a bit too soon for that. You should know though that Ben loooves it." He bragged and Rachel shook her head, the smile however never leaving her face.
"Shall we?"
"You know I'm always up for it."
"Alright. I wouldn't mind it, I guess. Haven't seen this in a while."
She thought back to when exactly that was and figured it must have been when they were still together. Rewatching it after the breakup usually resurfaced too strong memories, so she always ended up switching the channel when it was on. Well, time to reframe that, she thought to herself as she popped the disc into her DVD player and hit play.
"You better not fall asleep within the first 10 minutes like you used to." He teased her.
"I did not!"
"Do you even know how it ends?"
She scoffed again.
"Hey, it's not my fault someone would, hm, distract me before the movie ended." She teased right back. "If I was still awake." She added for good measure because, yeah, there were all those times when she fell asleep, she couldn't deny it.
"I'm sorry, I would distract you?! While watching Jurassic Park?"
Yeah, that didn't sound right either, she concluded. It really was the other way around. But rather than answer him, she hit him with a pillow.
"Shut up, I'm trying to watch the movie."
He laughed and she smiled at him. She loved these little banters between them so much. They were playful and fun and… flirty, yeah. Their eyes locked and she couldn't ignore this fluttering feeling that began to grow inside of her, along with this magnetic force that pulled her towards him. This was exactly what she'd been searching for in every man in town for the past several months, wasn't it?
Back in New York, Rachel used to think that the main reason she could never meet someone and finally move on was because he was always there. A daily reminder of the love they had shared and lost – a very physical, tangible, so very real reminder. It seemed impossible to get over him completely when she actually had to see him every single day – with his flaws, sure, but so many more virtues and this gift he possessed to stir these incredible emotions inside her.
But it wasn't just his presence, was it? Rachel was now realizing it didn't really matter where she was, the memories of what they had lived together would follow her anywhere and everywhere she went. That was her daily reminder of what a relationship should and could be, and why it was so hard for her to fall in love again. In New York, in Paris, or wherever else she eventually landed.
She was the first to look away, however, eyes moving down to her plate where she poked a mushroom with her fork. It would be so easy (and so wonderful!) to learn in and kiss him, but it wouldn't be right. He was still seeing someone, after all. They'd didn't talk about it much, but Ross and Dana had been together for quite some time now and, given Ross' record, Rachel was surprised they weren't married yet.
She figured the whole Geller drama got in their way – them of course being yet another reason for her to thread this situation very carefully.
Snap out of it Rachel, she told herself.
"Well, I promise this time I won't fall asleep." She said.
"Famous last words of the night." He teased her again.
She couldn't help but chuckle but continued to focus her attention on the food and the screen, finally admitting to herself – and herself only – that it was actually a pretty good movie.
Still, somewhere between a T-Rex on the loose and dinosaur phlegm, her promise must have been broken because next thing she became aware of was the sound of quiet breathing and the weight of Emma's small body climbing over her. Rachel instinctively helped her settle down beside her, between the two adults. In a half-asleep state, her eyes found Ross sleeping soundly on the other side of the couch and her smile grew even wider when Emma mumbled something about a sleepover.
She kissed her daughter's forehead and fell back to dreamland.
The next morning Rachel woke up alone on the sofa to the sound of Emma's giggles coming from the kitchen. It took her only a second to remember last night and fill in the missing pieces, but the warmth in her heart soon turned to dread when she noticed Ross' suitcase on the corner of the room and remembered he was leaving tonight.
She reached for her phone and read some of the messages she didn't get a chance to see last night. Most of them were from Georges, sad about missing their date, but understanding and attempting a reschedule. Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was time to stop forcing her heart to accept someone new when it was simply not available.
She would face this head on and have an honest conversation with Georges, he deserved that much, but not today. Today, she was going to enjoy the last few hours with her unconventional family before they had to part ways once again. So, she put the phone down and went to join them in the kitchen.
Phew, sorry this took so long guys. This story has been a struggle, but it's moving! I feel like I wrote and rewrote every single sentence in this chapter at least five times and they still don't read right. But if this is the best I can do at the moment, then I just have to make peace with it. Next chapter shouldn't take so long, but maybe by now you've already learned that my promises here don't mean much. Ooops!