"Where are you going?" Of all people him. But I shouldn't be surprised. He
doesn't sleep. Rarely eats. Talks when he has to and laughs less. "What are
you doing?"
"Leaving."
"And you don't invite me?"
"Look you have something here. But ever since I came out everyone just looks around me. I can't take it anymore. I'm going back to Venice. Have to find something there- something I should have found a while ago." I sound desperate. I am. He shrugs; walks closer with those eyes of his that pierce skin in the dark. Eyes that stand in your mind after you think you've rubbed and glad-handed them away.
"Maybe I'd come for the ride. Revisit the old memories." I shake my head. He shouldn't be dragged down with me. This is my pit. "How are you planning on getting to the train station?" I motion to the car. No idea whose it is but thank god one of the idiots I had hung around constantly bragged. If a dumb ass like him could hot wire... Rowan held up car keys. "Take Dwayne's. I'll drive- you get caught and you're more screwed. But I've done the auto theft thing so it should come easily."
"How you get the keys?"
"I got an extra set made a long time ago. Sometimes if I can't sleep I'll go out for a bit. Buy beer or cigarettes, drive, listen to the radio, CDs. I'm not a magician- I go through a carton a week- where does everyone think I get them? Mid air?" I breathe out- almost laughing. Of course. The dry humor always gets me. "He knows. I think. He never asks about the absence of gas. I guess he thinks it's better than self destruction or mutilation."
"Right, ok, whatever. You drive." He gave a gasp of mock surprise. "But of course." In the car he drums his fingers on the wheel. Long and thin. "Is it what the bastard said?" Guess he heard what happened.
"No, not really. Just-just how everyone now pretends not to see me. Maybe they didn't really before but now. This is why..."
"You didn't come out before?" I nod. Why could he always finish my sentences? "Think they'll tell your parents?" I shrug. I really don't care. Not really. No.
"They'll probably just forget me like they did with Kyle. I catch Mom crying every now and then, like on major holidays, but mostly he's taboo. Like what I'm gonna become."
"You really think they'll forget about you?"
"I dunno."
"You gonna ever write to them, call them? Tell them where you are, who you are?"
"Where I am maybe. But I don't know who I am."
"You leaving to find that out." I nodded. Yup, that's right. Someone's been watching their Lifetime movies. Rah for the Hallmark channel. "You got money enough for hotel and stuff?"
"Way to rain on my parade. I applaud. Now wait, you're backing me up here?"
"You need money?"
I don't take handouts. Not even yours. "No."
"K. When you get to Venice-"
"Wait! How do you know that?"
"Where else where you planning on going? I mean if you start anywhere in your life and all that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer stuff you start where you were born."
"Yeah. I wanna head to New York."
"You'd like it there."
"Where haven't you been?"
"I haven't been back to Ireland in over 9 years. That's more than half my life." I thought for a moment. Long time to be away from home. And I thought I was worse off. No wait- this is crap. This is supposed to be my moment, not his. My turn to wallow in self-pity before going out into the cruel world. "I miss it, but y' know. I'll get back." Another long silence at the red light. I glance at the clock- 20 minutes left. "Are you gonna miss anything? I mean, yeah for narcissism but like, for me, Horizon's become a surrogate home."
"Maybe it comes with the everyone liking you thing."
"They liked you, they just weren't used to you."
"Thanks. I feel reassured."
"Any day."
"What about nights?" Crap. Innuendo. That was the wrong thing to say. More small talk about the radio on the way to the station. I want to scream "This is what we've come to!" but instead I agree that radio had indeed gone corporate. Good job tying up lose ends. We arrive and I grab my bag full of everything important. I have money for my medication. Maybe I'll try to go straight. Hey- an ironic AND bad pun.
He stares at me and for once, I can look him back, someone back, in the eye. I can't do that to a mirror. "Is it what I said?" I think back to the fight in the dirt. Not really a fight. It had stung, but not as much as other things had burned.
"No. I've been thinking about it for a while." He didn't look relieved. I watch, intoxicated, as the grainy lights play across his face. Drag my eyes up and down the long, winding scar on the left side of his face. Another scar I won't hear the story to. Memorize what I do know.
"I'm sorry." I jerk my head back up to his, guilty for a minute that I had been memorizing every part of his body, down and up. It was going to be a long trip- a day at least. "I have this really shitty habit of pushing away everyone and everything I care about. And I guess I really screwed everything up with you. So, I'm sorry." This time, it was he who jerks his eyes away, down the tracks. He who had, dare I say it? Just admitted he gave a fuck about me? "I'm sorry I couldn't be there the way you wanted. I'm just-"
"No. It's ok. I would've left anyway. This is something I have to do." He brings his eyes back up, looking through red streaked bangs that weren't spiked 2 inches high for once. Mussed up. Beautiful. He looks at me for a moment, and I wish I could see whatever he was seeing, just for a moment. He leans forward, first, and then I help to close the meager distance left. Our lips drew together and slowly we kiss, my tongue stud playing games within the flesh of his mouth. This was the moment I had wanted and it comes now? Now when I'm leaving? When I can't turn back? Now when there is no deal to keep silent? I hear the loudspeaker breaking us apart, his hand from my face and hair tracing a scar that wasn't there, my hand from his shirt and the skin and ravines beneath it, my lips, tongue, rejoicing over the taste he left. Minty fresh. 2 minutes. Now.
"What are going to do for money?" He looks at me like he wants to make sure I won't give myself to anyone again. This is like a dime store romance or maybe a penny dreadful.
"I like to take pictures or look at things like I'd take a picture. Maybe I'd try that. I won't." Strange I don't feel unsure telling someone my dreams. Wow. Group had a purpose.
"Good." He pauses, looked down at his feet. "Maybe Jim Morrison has paid off. When you talk, it just sounds like you see things different. That's got to be an indicator of having the eye for picture." You've got the ability to be my Muse. You've got the tongue for my inspiration, the soul for my depression, you, you.
"I'll write." He nods, mouth closed. "Call." He licks his lips, saying nothing. Terse. "Maybe see you again sometimes." The corner of his mouth lifts up just a little. Smile- eclipse the sun. He leans forward again and kisses my cheek. Slides his lips so they graze my mouth and I turn a peck into something a tad more passionate. Wow Jaime, daring aren't we? He breaks off after a minute and reaches to his neck and removed a necklace, dog tags on a silver chain that was gray in the light.
"Now you have to." He clips a chain around my neck and they fall to my skin, warm from his heat, binding. "They were given to me by my sister." The threat, the taboo that whispers around the chain tightens.
"They're gold."
"I didn't think you'd misread them. Luck and Slán. Bye Jaime." He turns, walks to the car. I heard the train and I turn too, face whatever was coming. Ready or not.
"Leaving."
"And you don't invite me?"
"Look you have something here. But ever since I came out everyone just looks around me. I can't take it anymore. I'm going back to Venice. Have to find something there- something I should have found a while ago." I sound desperate. I am. He shrugs; walks closer with those eyes of his that pierce skin in the dark. Eyes that stand in your mind after you think you've rubbed and glad-handed them away.
"Maybe I'd come for the ride. Revisit the old memories." I shake my head. He shouldn't be dragged down with me. This is my pit. "How are you planning on getting to the train station?" I motion to the car. No idea whose it is but thank god one of the idiots I had hung around constantly bragged. If a dumb ass like him could hot wire... Rowan held up car keys. "Take Dwayne's. I'll drive- you get caught and you're more screwed. But I've done the auto theft thing so it should come easily."
"How you get the keys?"
"I got an extra set made a long time ago. Sometimes if I can't sleep I'll go out for a bit. Buy beer or cigarettes, drive, listen to the radio, CDs. I'm not a magician- I go through a carton a week- where does everyone think I get them? Mid air?" I breathe out- almost laughing. Of course. The dry humor always gets me. "He knows. I think. He never asks about the absence of gas. I guess he thinks it's better than self destruction or mutilation."
"Right, ok, whatever. You drive." He gave a gasp of mock surprise. "But of course." In the car he drums his fingers on the wheel. Long and thin. "Is it what the bastard said?" Guess he heard what happened.
"No, not really. Just-just how everyone now pretends not to see me. Maybe they didn't really before but now. This is why..."
"You didn't come out before?" I nod. Why could he always finish my sentences? "Think they'll tell your parents?" I shrug. I really don't care. Not really. No.
"They'll probably just forget me like they did with Kyle. I catch Mom crying every now and then, like on major holidays, but mostly he's taboo. Like what I'm gonna become."
"You really think they'll forget about you?"
"I dunno."
"You gonna ever write to them, call them? Tell them where you are, who you are?"
"Where I am maybe. But I don't know who I am."
"You leaving to find that out." I nodded. Yup, that's right. Someone's been watching their Lifetime movies. Rah for the Hallmark channel. "You got money enough for hotel and stuff?"
"Way to rain on my parade. I applaud. Now wait, you're backing me up here?"
"You need money?"
I don't take handouts. Not even yours. "No."
"K. When you get to Venice-"
"Wait! How do you know that?"
"Where else where you planning on going? I mean if you start anywhere in your life and all that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer stuff you start where you were born."
"Yeah. I wanna head to New York."
"You'd like it there."
"Where haven't you been?"
"I haven't been back to Ireland in over 9 years. That's more than half my life." I thought for a moment. Long time to be away from home. And I thought I was worse off. No wait- this is crap. This is supposed to be my moment, not his. My turn to wallow in self-pity before going out into the cruel world. "I miss it, but y' know. I'll get back." Another long silence at the red light. I glance at the clock- 20 minutes left. "Are you gonna miss anything? I mean, yeah for narcissism but like, for me, Horizon's become a surrogate home."
"Maybe it comes with the everyone liking you thing."
"They liked you, they just weren't used to you."
"Thanks. I feel reassured."
"Any day."
"What about nights?" Crap. Innuendo. That was the wrong thing to say. More small talk about the radio on the way to the station. I want to scream "This is what we've come to!" but instead I agree that radio had indeed gone corporate. Good job tying up lose ends. We arrive and I grab my bag full of everything important. I have money for my medication. Maybe I'll try to go straight. Hey- an ironic AND bad pun.
He stares at me and for once, I can look him back, someone back, in the eye. I can't do that to a mirror. "Is it what I said?" I think back to the fight in the dirt. Not really a fight. It had stung, but not as much as other things had burned.
"No. I've been thinking about it for a while." He didn't look relieved. I watch, intoxicated, as the grainy lights play across his face. Drag my eyes up and down the long, winding scar on the left side of his face. Another scar I won't hear the story to. Memorize what I do know.
"I'm sorry." I jerk my head back up to his, guilty for a minute that I had been memorizing every part of his body, down and up. It was going to be a long trip- a day at least. "I have this really shitty habit of pushing away everyone and everything I care about. And I guess I really screwed everything up with you. So, I'm sorry." This time, it was he who jerks his eyes away, down the tracks. He who had, dare I say it? Just admitted he gave a fuck about me? "I'm sorry I couldn't be there the way you wanted. I'm just-"
"No. It's ok. I would've left anyway. This is something I have to do." He brings his eyes back up, looking through red streaked bangs that weren't spiked 2 inches high for once. Mussed up. Beautiful. He looks at me for a moment, and I wish I could see whatever he was seeing, just for a moment. He leans forward, first, and then I help to close the meager distance left. Our lips drew together and slowly we kiss, my tongue stud playing games within the flesh of his mouth. This was the moment I had wanted and it comes now? Now when I'm leaving? When I can't turn back? Now when there is no deal to keep silent? I hear the loudspeaker breaking us apart, his hand from my face and hair tracing a scar that wasn't there, my hand from his shirt and the skin and ravines beneath it, my lips, tongue, rejoicing over the taste he left. Minty fresh. 2 minutes. Now.
"What are going to do for money?" He looks at me like he wants to make sure I won't give myself to anyone again. This is like a dime store romance or maybe a penny dreadful.
"I like to take pictures or look at things like I'd take a picture. Maybe I'd try that. I won't." Strange I don't feel unsure telling someone my dreams. Wow. Group had a purpose.
"Good." He pauses, looked down at his feet. "Maybe Jim Morrison has paid off. When you talk, it just sounds like you see things different. That's got to be an indicator of having the eye for picture." You've got the ability to be my Muse. You've got the tongue for my inspiration, the soul for my depression, you, you.
"I'll write." He nods, mouth closed. "Call." He licks his lips, saying nothing. Terse. "Maybe see you again sometimes." The corner of his mouth lifts up just a little. Smile- eclipse the sun. He leans forward again and kisses my cheek. Slides his lips so they graze my mouth and I turn a peck into something a tad more passionate. Wow Jaime, daring aren't we? He breaks off after a minute and reaches to his neck and removed a necklace, dog tags on a silver chain that was gray in the light.
"Now you have to." He clips a chain around my neck and they fall to my skin, warm from his heat, binding. "They were given to me by my sister." The threat, the taboo that whispers around the chain tightens.
"They're gold."
"I didn't think you'd misread them. Luck and Slán. Bye Jaime." He turns, walks to the car. I heard the train and I turn too, face whatever was coming. Ready or not.