This is my first YnM story and not exactly the best fanfic I ever wrote... It is kind of stupid, but it kind of describes my own feelings at the moment... I wished I would have been better, but somehow the words were always getting in my way... By the way, English isn't my first language and I'm not too good at it. So please forgive me if anything sounds strange...
*sigh* Mirri, I'm sorry for writing this.
Disclaimer: Yami's far too good to be mine...
The day they call "Tomorrow"
By Kia
The rain was still falling onto the grass and the earth and the trees. It was falling onto the street and the flowers, and onto the sole figure standing all alone on the deserted meadow, between the trees. It did not care what it fell onto.
Tsuzuki felt the water run down his face, and some of the drops he saw falling toward the dark earth were salty. But that was so hard to tell with all the rain and he didn't care. He didn't even notice.
After a while he lifted his head to gaze at the sky that was endless and grey above him and after a few more seconds he closed his eyes.
The water continued to rain down on him.
Deep inside he was screaming. But he had covered his ears a long time ago so he didn't hear it. And he knew that if only he tried hard enough he could make the pain go away like it always did, so it could hide in the darkness of his heart again, waiting for another day like this. But he was too tired, too exhausted to even try. And he was alone so no-one would see him cry.
It was okay, wasn't it? To embrace the pain for a few short moments when there was nothing else to hold on to. He didn't have enough strength left to lie to himself and since he was all alone here there was no need wearing his usual mask of smiles and happiness. The rain didn't care if he did.
It felt good, the rain. When it fell softly and cool onto his face and his hair. In the rain he could be himself, because it hid his tears and covered his pain. It didn't judge him for it and it didn't ask. It was simply there, falling down from above, reminding him of the simple fact that there were still things in the world that wouldn't change.
And he had thought...
He should have known better. And still he had let himself hope. Again.
It was just the same as always. Tsuzuki had had so many partners in the last eighty years, so many different faces, but he remembered every one of them. And every time he got a new one he knew that it wouldn't last. And every time he found himself believing after a while that maybe this time it would be different. And every time they left him.
Some of them stayed with him for quite some time, long enough for his heart to ace so much when they were gone, some of them left right after they arrived. Some didn't even say goodbye. And none of them ever gave him an explanation. A reason.
He never asked. He knew that it was his fault.
But what exactly was it? Was he too carefree? Too nasty? Was it, because he was an idiot, like Tatsumi said?
Tatsumi...
He didn't blame them, none of them. He never showed how much it really hurt, because the pain was his alone. He managed to smile when Hisoka left and wished him good luck wherever he was going. Hisoka said he was sorry. For what, he wondered.
He wondered what he did wrong this time.
And he had thought that with this partner it was different. There was a bond they shared he hadn't felt with any of the others. Yes, he was stupid enough to let himself believe that Hisoka wouldn't leave him. Or at least give him a reason when he left. A reason that didn't sound like a lie...
But he didn't and now Tsuzuki was alone once again. He should have been used to it but once again he realised that there were some things he could never get used to.
Maybe this was some kind of punishment for his sins. Another tear left his eye and was swallowed by the rain. If only he'd understood. If only.
But he didn't.
Only once before it had hurt this much to be left behind. Because he was an idiot. Wasn't that the reason Tatsumi gave him? Well, it was the truth, he was. So he could hardly blame him for not liking him. No-one did, anyway.
And still he there was something behind the way Tatsumi treated him that had made their partnership special, somehow. It wasn't the same as with Hisoka, but he could never actually name the difference. It didn't matter. They had both abandoned him. Only that Tatsumi was still there and all around him to remind him of the pain he had felt when he told him that day that he could not stay his partner any longer. And still there was this something about him. Somehow it made being around him a bit easier. Sometimes. Sometimes it only hurt.
When he thought about it now, it did. Slowly Tsuzuki opened his eyes to look at the sky and it was still grey and endless. He wondered, shortly, why he couldn't just be a part of that sky. He wondered why Hisoka had kept him from leaving this world when he had tried it so long ago. Why did he force him so keep existing, only to leave him alone afterwards.
What use did the day they called 'Tomorrow' have when there was nothing to fill it? Nothing to wait for, nothing hope for, not even something to fear or regret because all those feelings he kept deep in his heart where they couldn't bother anyone. Even the pain would be gone once the rain stopped and he wasn't alone anymore. It wouldn't go away, but it would hide again to come back once it got the chance. Like this, tomorrow was just another day when it didn't matter if he existed or not. It wasn't even one day less to life because he was already dead for so long. It was just another second of eternity, like the day after and the day before. What meaning did the word 'tomorrow' have fore someone like him? For someone who was cursed to life forever...
None.
Sometimes he wished he could just die for good. No tomorrows anymore, and no yesterdays. And, most of all, no todays.
This was one of those times. But would pass, he knew it, and when he heard the soft footsteps behind the trees and turned around to see Tatsumi walk over to him, he remembered the look on his face when he apologised for saving him that day and knew that he could never do that to him again. Maybe the other man didn't like him, but for Tsuzuki he was a reason to stay.
Being out here in the rain, without an umbrella even. How unlike Tatsumi. Tsuzuki tried to smile for him but it didn't work yet and Tatsumi didn't seem to expect it. For a few minutes they stood in silence, both gazing up to the sky, until Tatsumi suddenly took off his coat and warped it around Tsuzuki's shoulders.
"You're going to catch a cold," he simply said as he softly laid his arms around him from behind. It felt good.
"I won't," Tsuzuki whispered but Tatsumi only tightened his embrace and shook his head.
"I know you will," he said quietly, and when he spoke his breath brushed softly against Tsuzuki's ear, making him smile.
-owari-
January 16, 2003
*sigh* Mirri, I'm sorry for writing this.
Disclaimer: Yami's far too good to be mine...
The day they call "Tomorrow"
By Kia
The rain was still falling onto the grass and the earth and the trees. It was falling onto the street and the flowers, and onto the sole figure standing all alone on the deserted meadow, between the trees. It did not care what it fell onto.
Tsuzuki felt the water run down his face, and some of the drops he saw falling toward the dark earth were salty. But that was so hard to tell with all the rain and he didn't care. He didn't even notice.
After a while he lifted his head to gaze at the sky that was endless and grey above him and after a few more seconds he closed his eyes.
The water continued to rain down on him.
Deep inside he was screaming. But he had covered his ears a long time ago so he didn't hear it. And he knew that if only he tried hard enough he could make the pain go away like it always did, so it could hide in the darkness of his heart again, waiting for another day like this. But he was too tired, too exhausted to even try. And he was alone so no-one would see him cry.
It was okay, wasn't it? To embrace the pain for a few short moments when there was nothing else to hold on to. He didn't have enough strength left to lie to himself and since he was all alone here there was no need wearing his usual mask of smiles and happiness. The rain didn't care if he did.
It felt good, the rain. When it fell softly and cool onto his face and his hair. In the rain he could be himself, because it hid his tears and covered his pain. It didn't judge him for it and it didn't ask. It was simply there, falling down from above, reminding him of the simple fact that there were still things in the world that wouldn't change.
And he had thought...
He should have known better. And still he had let himself hope. Again.
It was just the same as always. Tsuzuki had had so many partners in the last eighty years, so many different faces, but he remembered every one of them. And every time he got a new one he knew that it wouldn't last. And every time he found himself believing after a while that maybe this time it would be different. And every time they left him.
Some of them stayed with him for quite some time, long enough for his heart to ace so much when they were gone, some of them left right after they arrived. Some didn't even say goodbye. And none of them ever gave him an explanation. A reason.
He never asked. He knew that it was his fault.
But what exactly was it? Was he too carefree? Too nasty? Was it, because he was an idiot, like Tatsumi said?
Tatsumi...
He didn't blame them, none of them. He never showed how much it really hurt, because the pain was his alone. He managed to smile when Hisoka left and wished him good luck wherever he was going. Hisoka said he was sorry. For what, he wondered.
He wondered what he did wrong this time.
And he had thought that with this partner it was different. There was a bond they shared he hadn't felt with any of the others. Yes, he was stupid enough to let himself believe that Hisoka wouldn't leave him. Or at least give him a reason when he left. A reason that didn't sound like a lie...
But he didn't and now Tsuzuki was alone once again. He should have been used to it but once again he realised that there were some things he could never get used to.
Maybe this was some kind of punishment for his sins. Another tear left his eye and was swallowed by the rain. If only he'd understood. If only.
But he didn't.
Only once before it had hurt this much to be left behind. Because he was an idiot. Wasn't that the reason Tatsumi gave him? Well, it was the truth, he was. So he could hardly blame him for not liking him. No-one did, anyway.
And still he there was something behind the way Tatsumi treated him that had made their partnership special, somehow. It wasn't the same as with Hisoka, but he could never actually name the difference. It didn't matter. They had both abandoned him. Only that Tatsumi was still there and all around him to remind him of the pain he had felt when he told him that day that he could not stay his partner any longer. And still there was this something about him. Somehow it made being around him a bit easier. Sometimes. Sometimes it only hurt.
When he thought about it now, it did. Slowly Tsuzuki opened his eyes to look at the sky and it was still grey and endless. He wondered, shortly, why he couldn't just be a part of that sky. He wondered why Hisoka had kept him from leaving this world when he had tried it so long ago. Why did he force him so keep existing, only to leave him alone afterwards.
What use did the day they called 'Tomorrow' have when there was nothing to fill it? Nothing to wait for, nothing hope for, not even something to fear or regret because all those feelings he kept deep in his heart where they couldn't bother anyone. Even the pain would be gone once the rain stopped and he wasn't alone anymore. It wouldn't go away, but it would hide again to come back once it got the chance. Like this, tomorrow was just another day when it didn't matter if he existed or not. It wasn't even one day less to life because he was already dead for so long. It was just another second of eternity, like the day after and the day before. What meaning did the word 'tomorrow' have fore someone like him? For someone who was cursed to life forever...
None.
Sometimes he wished he could just die for good. No tomorrows anymore, and no yesterdays. And, most of all, no todays.
This was one of those times. But would pass, he knew it, and when he heard the soft footsteps behind the trees and turned around to see Tatsumi walk over to him, he remembered the look on his face when he apologised for saving him that day and knew that he could never do that to him again. Maybe the other man didn't like him, but for Tsuzuki he was a reason to stay.
Being out here in the rain, without an umbrella even. How unlike Tatsumi. Tsuzuki tried to smile for him but it didn't work yet and Tatsumi didn't seem to expect it. For a few minutes they stood in silence, both gazing up to the sky, until Tatsumi suddenly took off his coat and warped it around Tsuzuki's shoulders.
"You're going to catch a cold," he simply said as he softly laid his arms around him from behind. It felt good.
"I won't," Tsuzuki whispered but Tatsumi only tightened his embrace and shook his head.
"I know you will," he said quietly, and when he spoke his breath brushed softly against Tsuzuki's ear, making him smile.
-owari-
January 16, 2003