Hello again! It's nice to see that someone is interested in this
story. If you have anything that you want to ask/tell me, you can contact
me, Ryoga, at tripleplay97@yahoo.com . This is now Part Four. In the last
episode Ranma met a version of himself and Ryoga from ten years hence.
However, he was the lost one and Ryoga was married to Akane. When Ranma
revealed himself to Ryoga, the two inevitably fought. It ended with the
room being engulfed in the light of the mirror. What will happen next? When
will I stop asking questions? Nobody knows.
Warning: Vigorous comma use! I.E. may crash due to overload.
Editor's Note: Absurd and extreme use of '-ey' and '-y'.
Warning: LONG!
-Ryoga
P.S. (".") = translated speech for your, not the characters, convenience.
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER FOUR: Anti-Newtonian Logs
This instalment brought to you by those £5 PC games that no one ever buy; without their sacrifice store shelves would be empty and have nothing for us pretend to look at. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
"My gut tells me maybe."- Leader of the Neutral Homeworld (Futurama)
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This time, not existing didn't catch anyone by surprise. It seemed that since they were created by something that, technically, was as likely as the world becoming a bowl of banana yogurt, they were unaffected by the move. Most of their minds wandered off onto tangents; Ranma to revenge, Ryoga to Akane, Akane to her kitchen, Happosaii (present) to that lovely curve his arms had been forced to form earlier, Happosaii (future) to a long drawn sigh, Genma (future) to what tortures the children would endure alone, and Genma (present) to what other innovations the future would make in the area of kitchen utensils.
It was very misty, but not actually wet, only foggy enough so that you couldn't see an angry mob charging from two feet away, which for Ranma was usually a good thing. Ranma first became rather worried that he was dead, but then was calmed by the fact that the freak would be dead as well. When Ranma realized that he would be spending all of eternity with the freak he began to despair. This caused him not to notice the group standing around him.
Ryoga had never used the mirror before but had heard of it whilst training. He had been quite surprised when he opened his eyes again to see what, to him, was a very familiar sight. Akane had no memory of this location what so ever. This was for the good reason that she had never actually been here. Both Happosaii and Genma remembered the buildings in front of them perfectly, but for different reasons, though both involved pain.
The houses were perfectly normal for the area, that area being deep emptiness. They all sat in neat rows, lining up perfectly. The entire town was reasonably clean and tidy. There was no graffiti on the walls and no broken windows on the houses. There wasn't even a kicked in phone booth!
The entire town lay on flat ground, except the high street, which was slightly higher. This was the town was that town planners had nightmares about. There weren't even any roads around to sign post incorrectly. There were only two problems that stopped people from visiting this quaint little town on a regular basis. The first was that it's in the middle of nowhere.
Everyone who had been through the mirror could tell this immediately. The mountains rising above the mist in the distance and the wide trail leading down towards the town indicated that this was not near a shopping precinct or bus line. The whole area had an open feel. It would be a very nice place to go on a relaxing holiday but no one sane was currently considering this. No one insane was either. This was partially due to the fact the no one knew it was there.
The second reason why no one visited the town was that you typically didn't leave it alive, or in the same marital status. The tribe of Amazon women living there hated outsiders and would challenge anyone that entered to a duel (except delivery people). If the person won they would either be married and never leave or would be chased across the Earth and then die so basically they would never leave or at least never get around to telling a holiday company where it is. There was one instance where a travel agents was told about the location of this village, but it was such an unpopular travel agent that this information lies deeply buried inside a locked safe marked 'Liquidation' in a French woman's basement. If they lost the battle they would die and therefore never leave anyway.
All of this combined created a generally unknown town to anyone beyond the government (tax collectors are stopped by nothing and no one would marry one anyway), delivery persons, and those of us who own maps of strange and unknown regions of the world. Ryoga fits under none of these categories, but knew about it anyway.
"So where are we anyway?" asked Akane.
"I'm, I'm, I'm, back again," muttered Ryoga to himself.
"Not again," moped Ranma to the ground.
"Now you can live again!" said our Happosaii.
"You will help me? The old ways are lost to me," said the other Happosaii.
"Old ways!" said an outraged current Happosaii. "It is a hobby. And you can't forget it."
"You can't forget that sort of perversion for sure. I thought you would have learned by now. You've been here enough," said Ranma, now a tad happier with the ceremony of putting down the freak. "Third times a charm as they say."
"What are you trying to say?" responded Happosaii vengefully.
"That you should be more careful," said the older Genma.
"Oh never mind," said Happosaii. Happosaii began to scout out the area, knowing prey was near. Happosaii also tried to take a nap, but Happosaii would not allow himself to do this, even if it was the right time of day.
In a slight daze, Ryoga continued from some distant memory, "Should a tear happen to fall onto the mirror a gateway is opened to the holder's heart and a passage is made to where ever they most want to be." He returned to a sceptical face and turned to Genma. "What do you want to do here?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"You have come back to stop me haven't you?" said Ryoga doubtfully.
"I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't even know who set off the mirror," said Genma plainly. He agreed with himself with some vigorous nodding.
"You know that you did it and you know that you want to stop me!" said an outraged Ryoga.
"I don't even know what you are talking about."
"Is someone going to tell me where we are?" asked Akane.
"You have to know why we are here. It's your damn wish that put us here!" said a now very annoyed Ryoga.
"I do not yet know what wish this trip is intended to fulfil."
"You want to stop me! I know you now know what I have done because you've been talking to yourself about the past and have found out about me from you!"
"Oh, that," said Genma flatly.
"Is someone going to tell me what is going on here?" said Akane, looking around attempting to gain curious recognition. 'Why can't déja vu be a conscious thing?'
"For your information I have no intention of stopping you right now. You do know that I disapprove of this match but it was not my decision to, it was his and he has been appropriately punished."
"Hey! It's not my fault!" said Genma (future).
"It's definitely your fault since you made the decision."
"I did what was best."
Akane joined in again here by saying, "Yeah, you helped a lot. You ran for the hills for three months while everyone else sorted out what was going on. I still haven't seen Dad in the house since you came back."
"Well, it was the best thing to do." Genma (future) fiddled with his glasses as if they were chalk and he had been asked to answer a question that he hadn't listened to.
Akane continued impatiently, "And where are we? Is this Disneyland, Himalayas?"
Ryoga almost exploded in a burst of arms, much to the despair of nearby geological features. Then he joined them, "I don't care! You must have come here to stop me."
Calmly Genma responded, "I couldn't of because you didn't arrive for another two weeks. I was told that you arrived two weeks after the festival."
"Yes."
"And if you look into the town what do you notice?"
"A lot of people."
"And what does that mean?"
"It's a special day?"
"Not quite."
"Market day?"
"Where are you going double trouble?" asked Ranma to the hole in the ground.
"No," said Genma with increasing resilience.
"Someone's birthday?" said Akane quickly.
"No," responded Genma with much patience.
"The vernal equinox?"
"What?" said Akane. "Oh, that. Never mind."
"Its festival day," said a tired Genma.
"Ohhhh," in unison.
"Hey! Come back here!" and Ranma ran off after a quickly growing trench.
The other Genma then surmised, "Therefore I, eh you, have not come here to stop Ryoga but to do, um, what?"
Genma (present) had just realized and was running off towards the town. Ryoga followed him swinging his arms, digging a drainage system for the fields, and shouting something about disbelief and the meaning of the word 'before'. Genma (future) also realized what was going on and ran after them, though he had a plan in mind to accompany the mad dash.
Akane was very angry now. "Where are you going! (foot stamps) You haven't told me where I am! Come back here!!" Akane ran as fast as she could after them all, forgetting her previously happy life for a while. Anger was, and always had been, more natural for her.
****
"I don't think this is the right place again."
"I am inclined to agree young one."
The two of them were looking, awestruck, at a large sign advertising a television programme about a boy and his dad and their adventures after visiting China.
"I had no idea that the mirror could move us that far away from our own timeline." "Nether did I," said a small figure in green Chinese clothing.
****
"Hurry! Into that hut!" said Happosaii to himself. He ran up to a derelict one-room hut, which stood above the grass, but not by much. From a distance it made one wonder if they had wandered onto a nuclear testing site and that was the building that they always showed being blown away like a matchstick in a tornado. To contradict this the grass around the house resembled palm trees in both height and thickness.
"Come back here!" yelled an ever-nearing Ranma, whose impression of a kangaroo on steroids was particularly effective at seeing over the grass.
Happosaii touched the lock of the door and said a few words. The lock glowed orange for a moment and the bolt slid open. The two ran in and the lock glowed again, clicking shut.
After a few more hops over the grass Ranma managed to make out the house and leapt onto the door. Since it was locked, he was thrown back. The grass though, which had been cross breeding with redwoods, rebounded him into the door again. This process continued for some time.
"Open this door!" commanded Ranma in exactly the way that a monk doesn't. He finally stopped his oscillations and pulled hard on the handle. Next he pulled up one of the nearby stalks and attempted to jam it in the door. This gave a similar effect to the jumping. Realising the futility, he slowly walked around the side of the hut, thinking. He stopped. Anger sparked between him and the new brass handle.
"I think he'll be at that a while now," said our Happosaii reassuringly towards the bungee jump demonstration outside. "Now, to business. You have to remember the ways." His hands were already hot with friction.
"Why?" said the other Happosaii weakly. "It never did us anything."
"Why!" said an outraged Happosaii. "Because it is what I do! Because it is what I want to do!"
"Why not buy some?"
"That's beyond the point! Without the thrill of the chase you can never fully appreciate the merchandise."
"But it's illegal."
"And? It gave me all of the training that I could ever need!"
"I know how far that's gotten you; a spot on 'When Children Attack.'"
"But my collection! Why stop now? It's just reaching its full size and summer is just around the corner! A whole new range of items will suddenly be available for harvesting."
"Do you ever actually use your collection?" Happosaii (future) already knew the answer. He was only rubbing it in.
Happosaii (present) couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was being beaten by himself in a battle of wits! And, he had a point. Happosaii couldn't remember one time when he had used one piece of his collection that was more than one week old. Unsurely he responded, "Well, not exactly."
"Do you know how happy the town was when they got their underwear back? Well, except for the lingerie shops. I don't think that they ever managed to recuperate from the sudden influx on the market."
"Oh I can't believe this. Come." Happosaii could stand the blasphemy no more. Even if he had to summon the Spanish Inquisition, he would return himself to himself. Happosaii walked to a different door in the back and opened it only to be jumped by a being of similar anger to a battling Viking. The other Happosaii had seen but had chosen not to do anything. His point had been proven. Happosaii (future) was perfectly happy to wait until the Scandinavian had finished and set his eyes in his direction, but a small hand had pulled him away before he had been granted the gift of unconscious.
"You are not going into that village so long as I can help it!" informed Ranma the Viking to the ground. "Where'd you go you little worm?" His head darted around, but only found a hole. "Come back here!" His fist shook the air, vibrating the extremely thick wood.
He heard, and followed, another voice quickly moving away under the ground arguing, "Stop! I don't want to! I'm happy like I am! Oblivion must be better than this!!" Ranma ran after the voice into the village. The sight of destruction to the wood in such a haphazard path could have brought a lumberjack to tears. Well, at least until he realised how much the wood was worth.
****
"Alright. I think you have proven that you don't want to stop me by now. Can I please put down the clothes?" said a now very bored Ryoga/coat rack.
Both Genma's responded simultaneously, "If she didn't insist on-"
"I'm only trying to help. If you're going to go in disguise you might as well be in a good disguise," said Akane imitating (not intentionally) Kasumi's voice.
"All that we need is something that hides us from plain sight. We aren't going to a wedding!"
"Well, you say that this is a town of Amazons. Amazons are women and women have a dress sense, unlike you," said Akane matter-of-factly.
Ryoga dropped the wide assortment of battle garments with a loud clatter and leaned down to whisper, unsuccessfully, into Genma's ear, "She isn't normally like this. I don't know what has turned her to the girly side. It might be-" Ryoga was cut off by a flying chair.
"Well, maybe she isn't entirely lost to us," said Genma who had caught his ballistic chair.
"If you don't want my help, I'll leave," said Akane, not controlling her anger.
"No, I don't need you," said Genma as he walked into the closet.
"It's alright honey. You just need to put on something or go and hide," said Ryoga, completely failing to speak comfortingly.
Akane grunted and walked off, five outfits in tow.
"So, how's this?" Genma had just walked out of the closet in a dark blue blouse (laced with titanium), black trousers (with sword scabbard), and wig (with darts). "Not exactly my style, but these women do dress practically!"
'I hate you Ranma,' thought Ryoga as he walked into the toilet. 'Now that hasn't happened in a while' though Ryoga again. 'Might as well make use of my time in here.' He filled two small flasks with some water from the tap and then hurled a bucket that had been on the window into the room he had just been in. He walked into the room smiling and said, "Well, this should make life easier. Pandas live around here somewhere." When Ryoga opened his eyes from his smug expression he was shocked to see Genma sitting here holding a full bucket of water.
"But, I, threw, you," stuttered Ryoga in the way that those who are not used to being confused do.
"I thought you would do something like that. I didn't used to know much about you but now see you as another untrained student. You need to be taught," said Genma. The "Oink" of the pig that came afterwards could be interpreted as many things. One is anger. Another is worry. The "Oink" also showed that it knew what Genma was capable of.
****
"Oh, I'm sorry."
In itself not a comment that you would typically consider able to start something horrible, but misplaced or insincere words can do much damage. Wars can be started with statements like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop that bomb on your embassy," or the even more popular, "I'm sorry, but that's my land." Overall, loose words cost lives and these words were very loose.
("What did you say?")
"Sorry, I didn't understand you."
("Are we speaking the same language?")
"You look familiar."
"Why you no speak Chinese?" At this point Akane ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction from the Chinese girl with purple who she had just recognised.
'How did I get here? I couldn't have gotten all of the way to China in 10 minutes. Where did the ocean go?' thought Akane worriedly.
****
("So, where have you been? The competition has been going for ages.")
"What?"
"Oh, it's you Hobolinta. Stop practicing your Japanese on me. You know I'm much better." Genma was starting to get worried. Everywhere he went, he was being mistaken for someone else and Genma didn't know a word of Chinese.
"Alright," said Ryoga. Genma stopped and turned to face Ryoga. Akane had already stopped three stalls back and was eating an apple. They had been walking down the high street lined with mostly abandoned shops. It seemed everyone was in the centre of town, and that is where Genma was heading. Akane had been following her angry husband and, for once, thoughtful Genma.
"What is it?" asked Genma.
"Isn't it obvious!?!" said Ryoga in a way that one could not call calm. "We have no plan and-"
"We have a plan."
"These apples are good," pronounced Akane.
"Your plan sucks!"
"But it is a plan."
"Well, we blend in like a bit of metal across a road."
("You like my apples?") asked a worn old man, emerging from the back of the fruit stall.
"You don't blend right."
"How can I blend if I'm wearing clothes for a gorilla?" Ryoga was getting enraged about this point.
"You must learn to observe your surroundings and then you can match them."
("Yes, I would like to buy some apples.")
"Alright then, but we don't have a plan for if someone talks to us. People are already beginning to stare when we argue." Genma had noticed this. One or two people on the edge of the crowd were beginning to look inquisitively their direction.
("Your friends don't get along very well. Anyway, the apples are 200 yen each.")
"We will not talk."
"We won't but they will. None of us speak Chinese!"
("Yes, I'll take four, but why do you use yen?")
"A minor drawback." Genma remained calm, arms crossed conclusively.
"What do you mean minor!" Ryoga started to walk away. "This is pointless."
"No it is not." Ryoga spun around. A mild aurora glowed around him.
"What are we trying to do anyway? You have yet to say."
("Yen is a stronger currency than ours. It is also more mobile. I prefer it. Here are your apples.")
("Thank you.") Akane ran up to join the others.
"We are going to save my son from an evil influence," finished Genma.
"Oh, Shampoo. I remember now. It's over here," said Akane as she ran up to them, her apples in a small bag. She ran off into the crowd, saying Chinese 'Excuse me's' the whole way. Genma followed, very impressed with himself.
"When did you learn Chinese," said a confused Ryoga. He shrugged and ran into a crowd.
****
"Here we come to village-" said a recently appointed Jusenkyo travel guide. He didn't like his new post, but he accepted it. At least he got to get out some, and it paid better than the enforcement department. Eventually he would dump the two losers and run for Europe with his secret knowledge and money.
"What kind of food is that?" said Ranma. He, well at the moment he pretending to be she, was exhausted. Walking over a mountain is one thing. Doing it with a guard that doesn't actually know the neighbourhood is another.
"It no food! It village of Amazon womans." They walked into the village slowly.
****
"Where'd you go you slimy freak?" asked Ranma of a pole. The pole did not answer him. A basket of fruit did.
"I'm over here," said the older Happosaii. A blur appeared and snatched the older Happosaii away from Ranma's grasp and disappeared into the crowd. The crowd was gathered around a large tree, suspended from two equally large trees by ropes that looked like they were made from jute, but obviously were made from high-tension steel. (Author's Note: For those who don't know, jute is what ropes have been made out of for years, at least until nylon came into being).
Ranma ran into the crowd and began searching for the runts. Ryoga was doing almost the exact same, but sadly he had entered a crowd surrounding a fruit stand, in which Akane and Genma were not present.
The other Genma, though he left the 'landing spot' after the original Genma, had already made a good position right at the entrance to town. Genma (present) and Akane were working their way towards the first prize table. Happosaii was not really doing anything, except going up every skirt in the crowd. Sadly for him (and the sake of plot complications) there were precisely none.
"So when shall we begin this training you mentioned? It sounded exciting," said the older Happosaii, unbeknownst of what he had in store for himself.
"It isn't training! Its, eh, something else!" Happosaii's enthusiasm was not tapped by this minor problem. He continued through the crowd, determined to find a skirt, somewhere. "Come on." He reached behind him to pull Happosaii nearer, but found no Happosaii. He saw Ranma retreating into the sea of trousers. He followed.
****
"Excuse me; have you seen a woman pass this way? She's about this high."
("Go away you stuck up show off.")
"Thank you for helping."
Ryoga had been doing this for about ten minutes. He had not yet realised that he was in the wrong crowd. He had also not realised that he had talked to the same person four times and each time he had no idea what they said.
****
("This table is for winner only,") said a large burly guard who made the nearby mountain look small and pitiful.
("I need to check the prize,") said Akane. She was very determined to get there, and the guard believed her. The guard stepped aside, much to the mystery of local seismologists, and Akane and Genma passed. They took up refuge under the table and waited.
****
("You must be ready for this. They will not be so easy on you.")
("I know. I will work hard. I shall not fail.")
("You had better not Shampoo,") said the figure blankly. She walked out the door into the crowd, although no one noticed.
("Good luck Shampoo!") called a boy from the door.
("Thanks Ryoga!") said Shampoo back and she walked out of the door and walked determinedly towards the hanging tree.
Ranma was distracted enough from seeing Shampoo to drop the now asleep Happosaii (future) into a fruit basket and forget about him entirely.
****
'Very good,' thought the older Genma. He turned slowly and followed himself and his son into the crowd. To anyone who was paying attention, his poor attempt to look inconspicuous was about as convincing as the time the time that American agent had entered the town in typical clothing (for this village) with a T-Shirt and shorts underneath. A large black coat does not blend well into a crowd, especially when you walked crouched and covering your face with a gloved hand. This approach to espionage is even less effective in the middle of summer. Luckily for him, the people he was following were not awake enough to notice, or just didn't care.
****
("Welcome back everyone!") said a far too excited announcer. ("We have seen fantastic combat between these women throughout this festival, but not everyone can win!") The crowd cheered. ("Now we have made it down to the final competition!") Not as much cheering this time. 'Shouldn't have put a pause there,' thought the announcer. He continued with more forced enthusiasm, ("Here today on the log we have Shampoo and Soap! It's almost like being at a public baths!") Now he was becoming unpopular with the crowd. He probably wouldn't be found the next day. The announcer began to inch to the side of the arena/empty bit of the square and indicated to his partner to prepare the running shoes. After hosting this tournament for eight years running, he had learned a thing or two, but he was the only person around stupid enough to do it. 'But,' he thought, 'better well paid and stupid than poor and stupid.'
Two women entered the arena. One could easily have been mistaken for a truck. The other could easily have been mistaken for a raging bull. This similarity stopped as soon as the crowd cheered again. Shampoo was very happy to be there, as was Soap, and they both showed it. The two were in no way related, so the battle would, sadly, not be as good as last years three- way brawl between a group of triplets.
The two jumped into the air. Gravity turned its attention to some rocks on the top of a nearby mountain. By the time it had returned, the two were already on the log, 20ft. up. This attracted the Ranma not previously mentioned (past)'s attention. The Genma with him had just noticed a table of food and was walking towards it.
****
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: The character list gets a bit complicated now, so bear with me here. Just remember that there are about three of most of the people here. Ah, temporal anomaly.)
****
"This'll be good," said Ranma (past). He turned and followed his father towards the table containing a feast that most would consider sufficient to feed the world's population of royals and imperials, including the 2nd cousins of family assistants. At least, that's how it looked to Ranma.
'Entertainment while you eat!' said a sign that the panda was holding. Ranma knew there was no point stopping his father now, just like there is no point in stopping an avalanche coming towards you with only a shovel.
'Anyway, I'm hungry!' thought Ranma.
****
The guard of the table had left sometime ago for an inexplicable reason. Akane (future) and Genma (present) were waiting under the heavily laden table with a net and bat for Ranma and Genma (panda) (both past). Genma (future) was following the two in Kimonos to the table, intending to grab and run. Happosaii (future) was taking a nap in a basket. Happosaii (present) was searching the crowd for something that we currently do not now about. Happosaii (past) was currently in a cave in the ground, though the local council was doing demolition work outside. Luckily an old man stopped them before they did any real damage. Ranma (present) was searching the crowd for Happosaii for the usual reasons. The Tendo's (past (Well, actually present for the current context)) were going about their normal business, living and generally not knowing that Ranma existed. In fact, Akane was sitting through an awards ceremony for a certain speech contest at this moment in time. She, though, did not notice the battle plans being made by all of the males in the room. Now that's a lot ain't it?
****
Anyway.
****
What happened next occurred quickly and was very confused. Ranma and Genma (past) made it to the table of food. Everyone in the crowd was watching the battle on the log. From under the table Genma (present) and Akane (past) leaped onto Ranma, who was working his way through some corn and commenting on that good swing of the cement-like balloon, and Genma, who was currently working on some pork buns, was asking where he could find a kettle. The guide from Juesenkyo was going on about how lucky they were to see this contest, as it didn't happen very often. He turned towards them to describe the history of the town, but didn't see them. He was a bit worried since he wasn't intending to dump the two suckers until he had secured some money of them. Had he looked around he would have seen a large ball of coat and net walking swiftly for the front gate. ('Eh. They'll live,') he thought and continued to watch the battle.
****
Soap had just thrust her mace like stick at Shampoo again, but Shampoo trapped it between her balloons and hurled the stick off into the crowd. Genma (future) had just made it to the table in time to see the others jumping himself. He gathered them all up and walked into the crowd, towards the gate. Ryoga had finally made it into the correct crowd, but not by his doing. A pig does not have much hope in a crowd moving at high speed, so neither did he. Happosaii (future) was still quite happy in a basket, but the basket was currently travelling over the town at about 200 feet. (It had been kicked off a nearby hill by an official 'hill kicker' (an ancient religion)). Ranma had Happosaii (present) under his arm and was following the wrecking ball working its way through the crowd. Happosaii (present) had a large mace like stick stuck in his head. He hadn't had a power recharge recently, so he had been knocked out by the blast. Shampoo had just hurled Soap off the log and bowed, victorious.
("We have a winner!") said a new announcer. Shampoo jumped down to accept her enemy's weapon as a sign of victory. However, since Ranma had been nearby recently, a problem quickly developed.
("Where is the other one?") demanded Cologne, hopping madly towards the centre of the square. ("It's ancient tradition that the victor acquires the loser's weapon! Find the weapon or we suffer disgrace!") In the crowd, most people were pointing to a large path that had been carved to the back gate of town. Cologne and Shampoo ran/hopped down the path. Shampoo currently was taking her role as a raging bull very well.
****
"What are you doing?" inquired Ranma (past) to add emphasis to his barrage of failed punches. It is difficult to punch something when you are huddled in a ball, but this did not stop Ranma's punches hitting something, that something being his Genma.
Genma (future) dumped the lot of them about half a mile out of town. He believed that behind this rocky outcrop he would be safe and out of sight long enough for Shampoo to finish her battle and leave Ranma alone forever. Sadly Shampoo had already left, just not in the direction planned.
Akane was the first to pull herself from the premature, above ground, mass burial. She stood, painfully, and took a deep breath of the thin mountain air. She quickly decided that this was a bad idea since the air was more mist than oxygen and she fell to the ground coughing. When she came to, Genma (present) had emerged from the pile and was shaking hands with himself. Akane couldn't stand this self-admiration and decided to study their position.
She was standing about half a mile out of the village. The main path was visible off to one side, but it quickly hid behind a large ledge of rock. They were currently perched on top of a small ledge, giving them an excellent view of the path coming up, but since they were looking through a gap in the rocks, she was protected from prying eyes. There was little plant life around, though there was a large flock of black birds approaching, on what looked like a bombing run.
A sudden unmuffled cry blew her way, and Akane turned to see that Ranma and Genma (past) had managed to escape from the net/coat ball.
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Ranma as he fell to the ground. His high-pitched voice obviously couldn't handle the tones that Ranma was intending and it came out sounding like he was ordering lunch, but his point got across none-the-less.
Genma grunted. He reached for a sign but found that he had run out of wood. He bowed his head in defeat.
Akane and Genma (present) grasped Ranma firmly, but Ranma stopped struggling when he was slapped by himself.
"Who the hell are you?" said a bewildered Ranma fully well knowing the answer.
"Eh." Akane, and Genma dropped Ranma and panic spread across their face like plague through a rat farm. Ranma (present) joined them as they darted around the ledge, out of sight. Genma kept going up the hill a bit further, but Ranma and Akane emerged in a new costume, which had materialized from a large sack that Ranma was carrying.
Genma had always thought it best to be ready for any opportunity, and considering that he rarely bothered to secure visas for his journeys, having a few disguises handy was a good move.
'Where's he off to know?' thought Ranma. Akane, for once, seemed to know what Ranma was thinking and actually leapt out from behind the rock first. They both quickly adopted authoritative postures that could have made generals weep.
Akane then said in a rather poor accent, "We Chinese Custom Official. You show we passporty nowy."
"Yesy," added Ranma, but the force behind it was a tad excessive.
Ranma and Genma (past) just stared at each other in disbelief. "We have papers, somewhere," said Ranma (past) as he rummaged through Genma's pack. Genma was pointing in general directions and grunting what sounded like instructions. "You aren't helping!" Ranma punched the panda firmly in the stomach, but it only seemed to make the panda more frantic in its pointing. Genma (future) winced behind his rock about twenty feet up the path from the rest of the group. Genma (present) had disappeared to somewhere or another that neither Ranma nor Akane had noticed.
Akane continued, "You havey no passporty? Bady Bady!"
"Yesy."
'To much force again.'
"We musty take you to-ey airporty." Genma (past) looked up ecstatically. Free passage, no matter where it was going, was a good thing.
"No, we are still looking for a cure," announced Ranma (past). Genma (past) looked at him as if he were giving up on a million pound prize. Ranma returned a look that could stun rats from five miles.
"We have to find a cure!" insisted the same Ranma. Genma still looked angry and not at all stunned.
"How are we going to get them to leave?" asked Ranma (present) to Akane under his breath.
("I don't know. Maybe if we say we have a truck. Also, would you stop that Yes-y stuff! It makes you sound like Russian bouncer,") responded Akane. Ranma stared, bewildered.
"You don't know Chinese?" asked a startled Akane. Ranma nodded rigorously. Akane looked worried. Genma (future) answered their plea, or at least what he thought was a plea.
"What is the trouble here?" said what appeared to be a large robotic mirror but was in fact Genma in a large sheet with various badges attached. Ranma (present) noted that he had put on his voice reserved for only annoying salesman and the tax collector that appeared at strategic locations along all of their journeys.
"Thesey people no have passport," summarised Akane, playing along. Ranma stared at Genma angrily.
'Why are you in charge?' thought Ranma. Genma wasn't looking in his direction.
Genma slowly turned towards the panda/punching bag and girl/five piston engine and attempted to look with authoritative displeasure, but ended up looking like a monkey that just saw a five-foot long banana. This was due to the fact that a panda that had just been thrown into him.
"This is not good behaviour. You must leave now!" demanded Genma, taking advantage of the predicament.
Ranma (past) had finished with the panda and was dusting himself off. "Could you start again?" Akane hung her head, but Ranma (present) stepped forward.
"We are Chinese Customs Officials. -Ey." Ranma lost a little heart at the end, but Akane backed him up.
"We musty seey your passporty. Immediately-ey."
Ranma remembered why he had been angry with Genma in the first place and began to rummage through the bag. "They're here somewhere. He (indicating the ball of fur currently shining a mad mirror) looses everything, even his common sense. Training journey my butt. I can't believe." Ranma continued on about how much he disliked his life currently. The normal human would have given up and let Ranma die telling his story, but these three were particularly determined. Eventually, Ranma removed the browed papers from the bag and handed them to Akane with a slight smile. "Just ignore the stains. We had to use them for tea strainers one day." Another stare shot its way towards the panda, who was now attempting to bow bellow the water line as a sign of gratitude to himself. However, himself was not impressed.
"You know," started Ranma (past) to Akane, "you're quite good looking." He quickly realised his mistake. Akane blushed. Ranma (present) looked worried, then added, "I know exactly where you are coming from, but not why." Genma (future)'s eyes quickly widened to the size of Volkswagens.
'How could he be so careless!'
"Do I know you?" said Ranma (past) inquisitively, "And why has your Japanese improved?"
"Me speaky good?" being suddenly overwhelmed by surprise.
("Would anyone like to buy some sweets?") asked a salesman who was walking by. It had been a bad day for him. Some kid in a yellow shirt had told him that a large city was only a couple miles up that path and he had ended up taking a four-day hike over a mountain range.
"No." A pause, slightly larger than it wanted to be, ensued. "Well, are the papers in order?" asked Ranma anxiously. Akane was having a bit of trouble, not in reading the papers, but in finding something wrong about them. They were in Japanese and Chinese, so Ranma (past) could read them. Eventually Ranma (present) leaned over, taking a clue from Akane's strained expression, pointed to a line and said some blibber and Akane nodded. She then turned and handed the papers to Genma, who was staring blankly into the sky.
"What?" said Genma in what he quickly realised was a far too casual tone.
("I want to give you this pamphlet,") said Akane in Chinese; desperately hopping that Genma would understand. Genma didn't. ("I want to buy a cheese sandwich.") She was pointing at the papers and shaking her head. Genma then got a clue and took the papers.
("Sorry, I don't have any cheese sandwiches at the moment. Ate the last one yesterday.") responded the salesman, who was still standing on the path, shouting over to them.
Genma (future) recognised the photos. He had never quite worked out why his hand had adopted that position of loosing the middle and ring fingers. It might have had something to do with how you could see Ranma's foot leaving off the side of the photo. He flipped through the pages and eventually found a piece that he could comment on, the Chinese entry permit.
"If you speaky Japanese, I can. Do you want to buy something?"
Though they had swam across the Sea of Japan, customs officials still managed to spot the two swimmers coming from two odd miles away and swarmed upon the two like locusts swarm upon a fresh field a wheat to which seasoning has already been added. However, the officials had been greatly disappointed when they discovered that the two swimmers were simply visiting and carried with them less material positions than a dead hermit, therefore preventing them from extracting any money from the already non- existent wallet. Genma nodded authoritatively again and indicated a section of text to the two travellers before him. Genma, standing up for the fifth time, and the other looked over curiously.
"This is not good. You must get another," said Genma, desperately trying to disguise his voice. Both Ranma's looked worried. Akane was anxious. Genma was pointing. The panda was angry. The salesman wasn't selling. Ryoga was going the wrong way out of the crowd.
'But the officials at the border said that all was in order,' read a sign held by the panda. This threw the salesman, but he simply responded by holding a sign reading, 'I got a map to some bamboo buddy.' Sadly, the panda took no notice of him.
'Hard sale today.'
"The officials were correct. It was in order, but it isn't in order now."
Ranma then asked a rather obvious question, "Why can you speak Japanese so well but they can't? And why do you two look so familiar. I know that I've seen you somewhere before. You haven't been following us have you?"
Genma (future) attempted to be disgusted with himself, but didn't find it that difficult. "You should teach your son more respect. I have travelled in Japan and studied it's language. I am very proud of that."
"You want buy food?"
"NO! I DON'T!" responded Akane in a nice, friendly tone, adding a minor accent by using Soun's head technique.
"Oh. Bye bye then!" The salesman walked on down the hill, reassured by the fact that he had found those with no money already. More people had to be nearer and had to be easier sales than that. As he trotted down the hill, he looked into the village and grinned broadly at the crowds. He also noticed that two lines were weaving their way through the crowd. One small one was going around in circles to everywhere but here. Another was aiming straight for him. The salesman, though, didn't care since he only saw a crowd of customers.
Ranma (past) was now very confused. "How do you know?"
"Oh, sorry miss. I must have had a slip of the tongue. Now, if you would please come with me and my associates." Genma did not manage to do this, though, since a raging bull and a ball of wood approached them in exactly the way that rocks normally don't.
Well, now isn't that exciting? To be confusing, our current cast of characters includes: Ranma (present), Genma (present), Happosaii (present), Ryoga (future), Akane (future), Happosaii (future), Genma (future), Shampoo (past), Cologne (past), Ranma (past), Genma (past), and Constipated Bird Flock (real).
If you understand the plot as of now, you are a good person and should work for a major University for the English department.
To be slightly more confusing, who are these people that I had popping up in the last two instalments.
Well, the next chapter should be shorter than this one. It isn't as a pivotal point in the plot, mainly a lead up to Chapter 6. Remember to send all slag, slander, and extra cash to tripleplay97@yahoo.com
-Ryoga
Mirror Rule #4: When used the mirror creates parallel time lines. One is the original line left by the travellers in which the travellers leave and never return. Secondly is the one in which the travellers exist, so that they are not effected by any changes until they return to what they believe is their original time line. Finally separate time lines are formed based on the actions that they perform upon time. They travel into these time lines during long journeys (ah, temporal anomaly).
Warning: Vigorous comma use! I.E. may crash due to overload.
Editor's Note: Absurd and extreme use of '-ey' and '-y'.
Warning: LONG!
-Ryoga
P.S. (".") = translated speech for your, not the characters, convenience.
How Not to Use Your Amazonian Artifact: CHAPTER FOUR: Anti-Newtonian Logs
This instalment brought to you by those £5 PC games that no one ever buy; without their sacrifice store shelves would be empty and have nothing for us pretend to look at. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
"My gut tells me maybe."- Leader of the Neutral Homeworld (Futurama)
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This time, not existing didn't catch anyone by surprise. It seemed that since they were created by something that, technically, was as likely as the world becoming a bowl of banana yogurt, they were unaffected by the move. Most of their minds wandered off onto tangents; Ranma to revenge, Ryoga to Akane, Akane to her kitchen, Happosaii (present) to that lovely curve his arms had been forced to form earlier, Happosaii (future) to a long drawn sigh, Genma (future) to what tortures the children would endure alone, and Genma (present) to what other innovations the future would make in the area of kitchen utensils.
It was very misty, but not actually wet, only foggy enough so that you couldn't see an angry mob charging from two feet away, which for Ranma was usually a good thing. Ranma first became rather worried that he was dead, but then was calmed by the fact that the freak would be dead as well. When Ranma realized that he would be spending all of eternity with the freak he began to despair. This caused him not to notice the group standing around him.
Ryoga had never used the mirror before but had heard of it whilst training. He had been quite surprised when he opened his eyes again to see what, to him, was a very familiar sight. Akane had no memory of this location what so ever. This was for the good reason that she had never actually been here. Both Happosaii and Genma remembered the buildings in front of them perfectly, but for different reasons, though both involved pain.
The houses were perfectly normal for the area, that area being deep emptiness. They all sat in neat rows, lining up perfectly. The entire town was reasonably clean and tidy. There was no graffiti on the walls and no broken windows on the houses. There wasn't even a kicked in phone booth!
The entire town lay on flat ground, except the high street, which was slightly higher. This was the town was that town planners had nightmares about. There weren't even any roads around to sign post incorrectly. There were only two problems that stopped people from visiting this quaint little town on a regular basis. The first was that it's in the middle of nowhere.
Everyone who had been through the mirror could tell this immediately. The mountains rising above the mist in the distance and the wide trail leading down towards the town indicated that this was not near a shopping precinct or bus line. The whole area had an open feel. It would be a very nice place to go on a relaxing holiday but no one sane was currently considering this. No one insane was either. This was partially due to the fact the no one knew it was there.
The second reason why no one visited the town was that you typically didn't leave it alive, or in the same marital status. The tribe of Amazon women living there hated outsiders and would challenge anyone that entered to a duel (except delivery people). If the person won they would either be married and never leave or would be chased across the Earth and then die so basically they would never leave or at least never get around to telling a holiday company where it is. There was one instance where a travel agents was told about the location of this village, but it was such an unpopular travel agent that this information lies deeply buried inside a locked safe marked 'Liquidation' in a French woman's basement. If they lost the battle they would die and therefore never leave anyway.
All of this combined created a generally unknown town to anyone beyond the government (tax collectors are stopped by nothing and no one would marry one anyway), delivery persons, and those of us who own maps of strange and unknown regions of the world. Ryoga fits under none of these categories, but knew about it anyway.
"So where are we anyway?" asked Akane.
"I'm, I'm, I'm, back again," muttered Ryoga to himself.
"Not again," moped Ranma to the ground.
"Now you can live again!" said our Happosaii.
"You will help me? The old ways are lost to me," said the other Happosaii.
"Old ways!" said an outraged current Happosaii. "It is a hobby. And you can't forget it."
"You can't forget that sort of perversion for sure. I thought you would have learned by now. You've been here enough," said Ranma, now a tad happier with the ceremony of putting down the freak. "Third times a charm as they say."
"What are you trying to say?" responded Happosaii vengefully.
"That you should be more careful," said the older Genma.
"Oh never mind," said Happosaii. Happosaii began to scout out the area, knowing prey was near. Happosaii also tried to take a nap, but Happosaii would not allow himself to do this, even if it was the right time of day.
In a slight daze, Ryoga continued from some distant memory, "Should a tear happen to fall onto the mirror a gateway is opened to the holder's heart and a passage is made to where ever they most want to be." He returned to a sceptical face and turned to Genma. "What do you want to do here?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"You have come back to stop me haven't you?" said Ryoga doubtfully.
"I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't even know who set off the mirror," said Genma plainly. He agreed with himself with some vigorous nodding.
"You know that you did it and you know that you want to stop me!" said an outraged Ryoga.
"I don't even know what you are talking about."
"Is someone going to tell me where we are?" asked Akane.
"You have to know why we are here. It's your damn wish that put us here!" said a now very annoyed Ryoga.
"I do not yet know what wish this trip is intended to fulfil."
"You want to stop me! I know you now know what I have done because you've been talking to yourself about the past and have found out about me from you!"
"Oh, that," said Genma flatly.
"Is someone going to tell me what is going on here?" said Akane, looking around attempting to gain curious recognition. 'Why can't déja vu be a conscious thing?'
"For your information I have no intention of stopping you right now. You do know that I disapprove of this match but it was not my decision to, it was his and he has been appropriately punished."
"Hey! It's not my fault!" said Genma (future).
"It's definitely your fault since you made the decision."
"I did what was best."
Akane joined in again here by saying, "Yeah, you helped a lot. You ran for the hills for three months while everyone else sorted out what was going on. I still haven't seen Dad in the house since you came back."
"Well, it was the best thing to do." Genma (future) fiddled with his glasses as if they were chalk and he had been asked to answer a question that he hadn't listened to.
Akane continued impatiently, "And where are we? Is this Disneyland, Himalayas?"
Ryoga almost exploded in a burst of arms, much to the despair of nearby geological features. Then he joined them, "I don't care! You must have come here to stop me."
Calmly Genma responded, "I couldn't of because you didn't arrive for another two weeks. I was told that you arrived two weeks after the festival."
"Yes."
"And if you look into the town what do you notice?"
"A lot of people."
"And what does that mean?"
"It's a special day?"
"Not quite."
"Market day?"
"Where are you going double trouble?" asked Ranma to the hole in the ground.
"No," said Genma with increasing resilience.
"Someone's birthday?" said Akane quickly.
"No," responded Genma with much patience.
"The vernal equinox?"
"What?" said Akane. "Oh, that. Never mind."
"Its festival day," said a tired Genma.
"Ohhhh," in unison.
"Hey! Come back here!" and Ranma ran off after a quickly growing trench.
The other Genma then surmised, "Therefore I, eh you, have not come here to stop Ryoga but to do, um, what?"
Genma (present) had just realized and was running off towards the town. Ryoga followed him swinging his arms, digging a drainage system for the fields, and shouting something about disbelief and the meaning of the word 'before'. Genma (future) also realized what was going on and ran after them, though he had a plan in mind to accompany the mad dash.
Akane was very angry now. "Where are you going! (foot stamps) You haven't told me where I am! Come back here!!" Akane ran as fast as she could after them all, forgetting her previously happy life for a while. Anger was, and always had been, more natural for her.
****
"I don't think this is the right place again."
"I am inclined to agree young one."
The two of them were looking, awestruck, at a large sign advertising a television programme about a boy and his dad and their adventures after visiting China.
"I had no idea that the mirror could move us that far away from our own timeline." "Nether did I," said a small figure in green Chinese clothing.
****
"Hurry! Into that hut!" said Happosaii to himself. He ran up to a derelict one-room hut, which stood above the grass, but not by much. From a distance it made one wonder if they had wandered onto a nuclear testing site and that was the building that they always showed being blown away like a matchstick in a tornado. To contradict this the grass around the house resembled palm trees in both height and thickness.
"Come back here!" yelled an ever-nearing Ranma, whose impression of a kangaroo on steroids was particularly effective at seeing over the grass.
Happosaii touched the lock of the door and said a few words. The lock glowed orange for a moment and the bolt slid open. The two ran in and the lock glowed again, clicking shut.
After a few more hops over the grass Ranma managed to make out the house and leapt onto the door. Since it was locked, he was thrown back. The grass though, which had been cross breeding with redwoods, rebounded him into the door again. This process continued for some time.
"Open this door!" commanded Ranma in exactly the way that a monk doesn't. He finally stopped his oscillations and pulled hard on the handle. Next he pulled up one of the nearby stalks and attempted to jam it in the door. This gave a similar effect to the jumping. Realising the futility, he slowly walked around the side of the hut, thinking. He stopped. Anger sparked between him and the new brass handle.
"I think he'll be at that a while now," said our Happosaii reassuringly towards the bungee jump demonstration outside. "Now, to business. You have to remember the ways." His hands were already hot with friction.
"Why?" said the other Happosaii weakly. "It never did us anything."
"Why!" said an outraged Happosaii. "Because it is what I do! Because it is what I want to do!"
"Why not buy some?"
"That's beyond the point! Without the thrill of the chase you can never fully appreciate the merchandise."
"But it's illegal."
"And? It gave me all of the training that I could ever need!"
"I know how far that's gotten you; a spot on 'When Children Attack.'"
"But my collection! Why stop now? It's just reaching its full size and summer is just around the corner! A whole new range of items will suddenly be available for harvesting."
"Do you ever actually use your collection?" Happosaii (future) already knew the answer. He was only rubbing it in.
Happosaii (present) couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was being beaten by himself in a battle of wits! And, he had a point. Happosaii couldn't remember one time when he had used one piece of his collection that was more than one week old. Unsurely he responded, "Well, not exactly."
"Do you know how happy the town was when they got their underwear back? Well, except for the lingerie shops. I don't think that they ever managed to recuperate from the sudden influx on the market."
"Oh I can't believe this. Come." Happosaii could stand the blasphemy no more. Even if he had to summon the Spanish Inquisition, he would return himself to himself. Happosaii walked to a different door in the back and opened it only to be jumped by a being of similar anger to a battling Viking. The other Happosaii had seen but had chosen not to do anything. His point had been proven. Happosaii (future) was perfectly happy to wait until the Scandinavian had finished and set his eyes in his direction, but a small hand had pulled him away before he had been granted the gift of unconscious.
"You are not going into that village so long as I can help it!" informed Ranma the Viking to the ground. "Where'd you go you little worm?" His head darted around, but only found a hole. "Come back here!" His fist shook the air, vibrating the extremely thick wood.
He heard, and followed, another voice quickly moving away under the ground arguing, "Stop! I don't want to! I'm happy like I am! Oblivion must be better than this!!" Ranma ran after the voice into the village. The sight of destruction to the wood in such a haphazard path could have brought a lumberjack to tears. Well, at least until he realised how much the wood was worth.
****
"Alright. I think you have proven that you don't want to stop me by now. Can I please put down the clothes?" said a now very bored Ryoga/coat rack.
Both Genma's responded simultaneously, "If she didn't insist on-"
"I'm only trying to help. If you're going to go in disguise you might as well be in a good disguise," said Akane imitating (not intentionally) Kasumi's voice.
"All that we need is something that hides us from plain sight. We aren't going to a wedding!"
"Well, you say that this is a town of Amazons. Amazons are women and women have a dress sense, unlike you," said Akane matter-of-factly.
Ryoga dropped the wide assortment of battle garments with a loud clatter and leaned down to whisper, unsuccessfully, into Genma's ear, "She isn't normally like this. I don't know what has turned her to the girly side. It might be-" Ryoga was cut off by a flying chair.
"Well, maybe she isn't entirely lost to us," said Genma who had caught his ballistic chair.
"If you don't want my help, I'll leave," said Akane, not controlling her anger.
"No, I don't need you," said Genma as he walked into the closet.
"It's alright honey. You just need to put on something or go and hide," said Ryoga, completely failing to speak comfortingly.
Akane grunted and walked off, five outfits in tow.
"So, how's this?" Genma had just walked out of the closet in a dark blue blouse (laced with titanium), black trousers (with sword scabbard), and wig (with darts). "Not exactly my style, but these women do dress practically!"
'I hate you Ranma,' thought Ryoga as he walked into the toilet. 'Now that hasn't happened in a while' though Ryoga again. 'Might as well make use of my time in here.' He filled two small flasks with some water from the tap and then hurled a bucket that had been on the window into the room he had just been in. He walked into the room smiling and said, "Well, this should make life easier. Pandas live around here somewhere." When Ryoga opened his eyes from his smug expression he was shocked to see Genma sitting here holding a full bucket of water.
"But, I, threw, you," stuttered Ryoga in the way that those who are not used to being confused do.
"I thought you would do something like that. I didn't used to know much about you but now see you as another untrained student. You need to be taught," said Genma. The "Oink" of the pig that came afterwards could be interpreted as many things. One is anger. Another is worry. The "Oink" also showed that it knew what Genma was capable of.
****
"Oh, I'm sorry."
In itself not a comment that you would typically consider able to start something horrible, but misplaced or insincere words can do much damage. Wars can be started with statements like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop that bomb on your embassy," or the even more popular, "I'm sorry, but that's my land." Overall, loose words cost lives and these words were very loose.
("What did you say?")
"Sorry, I didn't understand you."
("Are we speaking the same language?")
"You look familiar."
"Why you no speak Chinese?" At this point Akane ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction from the Chinese girl with purple who she had just recognised.
'How did I get here? I couldn't have gotten all of the way to China in 10 minutes. Where did the ocean go?' thought Akane worriedly.
****
("So, where have you been? The competition has been going for ages.")
"What?"
"Oh, it's you Hobolinta. Stop practicing your Japanese on me. You know I'm much better." Genma was starting to get worried. Everywhere he went, he was being mistaken for someone else and Genma didn't know a word of Chinese.
"Alright," said Ryoga. Genma stopped and turned to face Ryoga. Akane had already stopped three stalls back and was eating an apple. They had been walking down the high street lined with mostly abandoned shops. It seemed everyone was in the centre of town, and that is where Genma was heading. Akane had been following her angry husband and, for once, thoughtful Genma.
"What is it?" asked Genma.
"Isn't it obvious!?!" said Ryoga in a way that one could not call calm. "We have no plan and-"
"We have a plan."
"These apples are good," pronounced Akane.
"Your plan sucks!"
"But it is a plan."
"Well, we blend in like a bit of metal across a road."
("You like my apples?") asked a worn old man, emerging from the back of the fruit stall.
"You don't blend right."
"How can I blend if I'm wearing clothes for a gorilla?" Ryoga was getting enraged about this point.
"You must learn to observe your surroundings and then you can match them."
("Yes, I would like to buy some apples.")
"Alright then, but we don't have a plan for if someone talks to us. People are already beginning to stare when we argue." Genma had noticed this. One or two people on the edge of the crowd were beginning to look inquisitively their direction.
("Your friends don't get along very well. Anyway, the apples are 200 yen each.")
"We will not talk."
"We won't but they will. None of us speak Chinese!"
("Yes, I'll take four, but why do you use yen?")
"A minor drawback." Genma remained calm, arms crossed conclusively.
"What do you mean minor!" Ryoga started to walk away. "This is pointless."
"No it is not." Ryoga spun around. A mild aurora glowed around him.
"What are we trying to do anyway? You have yet to say."
("Yen is a stronger currency than ours. It is also more mobile. I prefer it. Here are your apples.")
("Thank you.") Akane ran up to join the others.
"We are going to save my son from an evil influence," finished Genma.
"Oh, Shampoo. I remember now. It's over here," said Akane as she ran up to them, her apples in a small bag. She ran off into the crowd, saying Chinese 'Excuse me's' the whole way. Genma followed, very impressed with himself.
"When did you learn Chinese," said a confused Ryoga. He shrugged and ran into a crowd.
****
"Here we come to village-" said a recently appointed Jusenkyo travel guide. He didn't like his new post, but he accepted it. At least he got to get out some, and it paid better than the enforcement department. Eventually he would dump the two losers and run for Europe with his secret knowledge and money.
"What kind of food is that?" said Ranma. He, well at the moment he pretending to be she, was exhausted. Walking over a mountain is one thing. Doing it with a guard that doesn't actually know the neighbourhood is another.
"It no food! It village of Amazon womans." They walked into the village slowly.
****
"Where'd you go you slimy freak?" asked Ranma of a pole. The pole did not answer him. A basket of fruit did.
"I'm over here," said the older Happosaii. A blur appeared and snatched the older Happosaii away from Ranma's grasp and disappeared into the crowd. The crowd was gathered around a large tree, suspended from two equally large trees by ropes that looked like they were made from jute, but obviously were made from high-tension steel. (Author's Note: For those who don't know, jute is what ropes have been made out of for years, at least until nylon came into being).
Ranma ran into the crowd and began searching for the runts. Ryoga was doing almost the exact same, but sadly he had entered a crowd surrounding a fruit stand, in which Akane and Genma were not present.
The other Genma, though he left the 'landing spot' after the original Genma, had already made a good position right at the entrance to town. Genma (present) and Akane were working their way towards the first prize table. Happosaii was not really doing anything, except going up every skirt in the crowd. Sadly for him (and the sake of plot complications) there were precisely none.
"So when shall we begin this training you mentioned? It sounded exciting," said the older Happosaii, unbeknownst of what he had in store for himself.
"It isn't training! Its, eh, something else!" Happosaii's enthusiasm was not tapped by this minor problem. He continued through the crowd, determined to find a skirt, somewhere. "Come on." He reached behind him to pull Happosaii nearer, but found no Happosaii. He saw Ranma retreating into the sea of trousers. He followed.
****
"Excuse me; have you seen a woman pass this way? She's about this high."
("Go away you stuck up show off.")
"Thank you for helping."
Ryoga had been doing this for about ten minutes. He had not yet realised that he was in the wrong crowd. He had also not realised that he had talked to the same person four times and each time he had no idea what they said.
****
("This table is for winner only,") said a large burly guard who made the nearby mountain look small and pitiful.
("I need to check the prize,") said Akane. She was very determined to get there, and the guard believed her. The guard stepped aside, much to the mystery of local seismologists, and Akane and Genma passed. They took up refuge under the table and waited.
****
("You must be ready for this. They will not be so easy on you.")
("I know. I will work hard. I shall not fail.")
("You had better not Shampoo,") said the figure blankly. She walked out the door into the crowd, although no one noticed.
("Good luck Shampoo!") called a boy from the door.
("Thanks Ryoga!") said Shampoo back and she walked out of the door and walked determinedly towards the hanging tree.
Ranma was distracted enough from seeing Shampoo to drop the now asleep Happosaii (future) into a fruit basket and forget about him entirely.
****
'Very good,' thought the older Genma. He turned slowly and followed himself and his son into the crowd. To anyone who was paying attention, his poor attempt to look inconspicuous was about as convincing as the time the time that American agent had entered the town in typical clothing (for this village) with a T-Shirt and shorts underneath. A large black coat does not blend well into a crowd, especially when you walked crouched and covering your face with a gloved hand. This approach to espionage is even less effective in the middle of summer. Luckily for him, the people he was following were not awake enough to notice, or just didn't care.
****
("Welcome back everyone!") said a far too excited announcer. ("We have seen fantastic combat between these women throughout this festival, but not everyone can win!") The crowd cheered. ("Now we have made it down to the final competition!") Not as much cheering this time. 'Shouldn't have put a pause there,' thought the announcer. He continued with more forced enthusiasm, ("Here today on the log we have Shampoo and Soap! It's almost like being at a public baths!") Now he was becoming unpopular with the crowd. He probably wouldn't be found the next day. The announcer began to inch to the side of the arena/empty bit of the square and indicated to his partner to prepare the running shoes. After hosting this tournament for eight years running, he had learned a thing or two, but he was the only person around stupid enough to do it. 'But,' he thought, 'better well paid and stupid than poor and stupid.'
Two women entered the arena. One could easily have been mistaken for a truck. The other could easily have been mistaken for a raging bull. This similarity stopped as soon as the crowd cheered again. Shampoo was very happy to be there, as was Soap, and they both showed it. The two were in no way related, so the battle would, sadly, not be as good as last years three- way brawl between a group of triplets.
The two jumped into the air. Gravity turned its attention to some rocks on the top of a nearby mountain. By the time it had returned, the two were already on the log, 20ft. up. This attracted the Ranma not previously mentioned (past)'s attention. The Genma with him had just noticed a table of food and was walking towards it.
****
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: The character list gets a bit complicated now, so bear with me here. Just remember that there are about three of most of the people here. Ah, temporal anomaly.)
****
"This'll be good," said Ranma (past). He turned and followed his father towards the table containing a feast that most would consider sufficient to feed the world's population of royals and imperials, including the 2nd cousins of family assistants. At least, that's how it looked to Ranma.
'Entertainment while you eat!' said a sign that the panda was holding. Ranma knew there was no point stopping his father now, just like there is no point in stopping an avalanche coming towards you with only a shovel.
'Anyway, I'm hungry!' thought Ranma.
****
The guard of the table had left sometime ago for an inexplicable reason. Akane (future) and Genma (present) were waiting under the heavily laden table with a net and bat for Ranma and Genma (panda) (both past). Genma (future) was following the two in Kimonos to the table, intending to grab and run. Happosaii (future) was taking a nap in a basket. Happosaii (present) was searching the crowd for something that we currently do not now about. Happosaii (past) was currently in a cave in the ground, though the local council was doing demolition work outside. Luckily an old man stopped them before they did any real damage. Ranma (present) was searching the crowd for Happosaii for the usual reasons. The Tendo's (past (Well, actually present for the current context)) were going about their normal business, living and generally not knowing that Ranma existed. In fact, Akane was sitting through an awards ceremony for a certain speech contest at this moment in time. She, though, did not notice the battle plans being made by all of the males in the room. Now that's a lot ain't it?
****
Anyway.
****
What happened next occurred quickly and was very confused. Ranma and Genma (past) made it to the table of food. Everyone in the crowd was watching the battle on the log. From under the table Genma (present) and Akane (past) leaped onto Ranma, who was working his way through some corn and commenting on that good swing of the cement-like balloon, and Genma, who was currently working on some pork buns, was asking where he could find a kettle. The guide from Juesenkyo was going on about how lucky they were to see this contest, as it didn't happen very often. He turned towards them to describe the history of the town, but didn't see them. He was a bit worried since he wasn't intending to dump the two suckers until he had secured some money of them. Had he looked around he would have seen a large ball of coat and net walking swiftly for the front gate. ('Eh. They'll live,') he thought and continued to watch the battle.
****
Soap had just thrust her mace like stick at Shampoo again, but Shampoo trapped it between her balloons and hurled the stick off into the crowd. Genma (future) had just made it to the table in time to see the others jumping himself. He gathered them all up and walked into the crowd, towards the gate. Ryoga had finally made it into the correct crowd, but not by his doing. A pig does not have much hope in a crowd moving at high speed, so neither did he. Happosaii (future) was still quite happy in a basket, but the basket was currently travelling over the town at about 200 feet. (It had been kicked off a nearby hill by an official 'hill kicker' (an ancient religion)). Ranma had Happosaii (present) under his arm and was following the wrecking ball working its way through the crowd. Happosaii (present) had a large mace like stick stuck in his head. He hadn't had a power recharge recently, so he had been knocked out by the blast. Shampoo had just hurled Soap off the log and bowed, victorious.
("We have a winner!") said a new announcer. Shampoo jumped down to accept her enemy's weapon as a sign of victory. However, since Ranma had been nearby recently, a problem quickly developed.
("Where is the other one?") demanded Cologne, hopping madly towards the centre of the square. ("It's ancient tradition that the victor acquires the loser's weapon! Find the weapon or we suffer disgrace!") In the crowd, most people were pointing to a large path that had been carved to the back gate of town. Cologne and Shampoo ran/hopped down the path. Shampoo currently was taking her role as a raging bull very well.
****
"What are you doing?" inquired Ranma (past) to add emphasis to his barrage of failed punches. It is difficult to punch something when you are huddled in a ball, but this did not stop Ranma's punches hitting something, that something being his Genma.
Genma (future) dumped the lot of them about half a mile out of town. He believed that behind this rocky outcrop he would be safe and out of sight long enough for Shampoo to finish her battle and leave Ranma alone forever. Sadly Shampoo had already left, just not in the direction planned.
Akane was the first to pull herself from the premature, above ground, mass burial. She stood, painfully, and took a deep breath of the thin mountain air. She quickly decided that this was a bad idea since the air was more mist than oxygen and she fell to the ground coughing. When she came to, Genma (present) had emerged from the pile and was shaking hands with himself. Akane couldn't stand this self-admiration and decided to study their position.
She was standing about half a mile out of the village. The main path was visible off to one side, but it quickly hid behind a large ledge of rock. They were currently perched on top of a small ledge, giving them an excellent view of the path coming up, but since they were looking through a gap in the rocks, she was protected from prying eyes. There was little plant life around, though there was a large flock of black birds approaching, on what looked like a bombing run.
A sudden unmuffled cry blew her way, and Akane turned to see that Ranma and Genma (past) had managed to escape from the net/coat ball.
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Ranma as he fell to the ground. His high-pitched voice obviously couldn't handle the tones that Ranma was intending and it came out sounding like he was ordering lunch, but his point got across none-the-less.
Genma grunted. He reached for a sign but found that he had run out of wood. He bowed his head in defeat.
Akane and Genma (present) grasped Ranma firmly, but Ranma stopped struggling when he was slapped by himself.
"Who the hell are you?" said a bewildered Ranma fully well knowing the answer.
"Eh." Akane, and Genma dropped Ranma and panic spread across their face like plague through a rat farm. Ranma (present) joined them as they darted around the ledge, out of sight. Genma kept going up the hill a bit further, but Ranma and Akane emerged in a new costume, which had materialized from a large sack that Ranma was carrying.
Genma had always thought it best to be ready for any opportunity, and considering that he rarely bothered to secure visas for his journeys, having a few disguises handy was a good move.
'Where's he off to know?' thought Ranma. Akane, for once, seemed to know what Ranma was thinking and actually leapt out from behind the rock first. They both quickly adopted authoritative postures that could have made generals weep.
Akane then said in a rather poor accent, "We Chinese Custom Official. You show we passporty nowy."
"Yesy," added Ranma, but the force behind it was a tad excessive.
Ranma and Genma (past) just stared at each other in disbelief. "We have papers, somewhere," said Ranma (past) as he rummaged through Genma's pack. Genma was pointing in general directions and grunting what sounded like instructions. "You aren't helping!" Ranma punched the panda firmly in the stomach, but it only seemed to make the panda more frantic in its pointing. Genma (future) winced behind his rock about twenty feet up the path from the rest of the group. Genma (present) had disappeared to somewhere or another that neither Ranma nor Akane had noticed.
Akane continued, "You havey no passporty? Bady Bady!"
"Yesy."
'To much force again.'
"We musty take you to-ey airporty." Genma (past) looked up ecstatically. Free passage, no matter where it was going, was a good thing.
"No, we are still looking for a cure," announced Ranma (past). Genma (past) looked at him as if he were giving up on a million pound prize. Ranma returned a look that could stun rats from five miles.
"We have to find a cure!" insisted the same Ranma. Genma still looked angry and not at all stunned.
"How are we going to get them to leave?" asked Ranma (present) to Akane under his breath.
("I don't know. Maybe if we say we have a truck. Also, would you stop that Yes-y stuff! It makes you sound like Russian bouncer,") responded Akane. Ranma stared, bewildered.
"You don't know Chinese?" asked a startled Akane. Ranma nodded rigorously. Akane looked worried. Genma (future) answered their plea, or at least what he thought was a plea.
"What is the trouble here?" said what appeared to be a large robotic mirror but was in fact Genma in a large sheet with various badges attached. Ranma (present) noted that he had put on his voice reserved for only annoying salesman and the tax collector that appeared at strategic locations along all of their journeys.
"Thesey people no have passport," summarised Akane, playing along. Ranma stared at Genma angrily.
'Why are you in charge?' thought Ranma. Genma wasn't looking in his direction.
Genma slowly turned towards the panda/punching bag and girl/five piston engine and attempted to look with authoritative displeasure, but ended up looking like a monkey that just saw a five-foot long banana. This was due to the fact that a panda that had just been thrown into him.
"This is not good behaviour. You must leave now!" demanded Genma, taking advantage of the predicament.
Ranma (past) had finished with the panda and was dusting himself off. "Could you start again?" Akane hung her head, but Ranma (present) stepped forward.
"We are Chinese Customs Officials. -Ey." Ranma lost a little heart at the end, but Akane backed him up.
"We musty seey your passporty. Immediately-ey."
Ranma remembered why he had been angry with Genma in the first place and began to rummage through the bag. "They're here somewhere. He (indicating the ball of fur currently shining a mad mirror) looses everything, even his common sense. Training journey my butt. I can't believe." Ranma continued on about how much he disliked his life currently. The normal human would have given up and let Ranma die telling his story, but these three were particularly determined. Eventually, Ranma removed the browed papers from the bag and handed them to Akane with a slight smile. "Just ignore the stains. We had to use them for tea strainers one day." Another stare shot its way towards the panda, who was now attempting to bow bellow the water line as a sign of gratitude to himself. However, himself was not impressed.
"You know," started Ranma (past) to Akane, "you're quite good looking." He quickly realised his mistake. Akane blushed. Ranma (present) looked worried, then added, "I know exactly where you are coming from, but not why." Genma (future)'s eyes quickly widened to the size of Volkswagens.
'How could he be so careless!'
"Do I know you?" said Ranma (past) inquisitively, "And why has your Japanese improved?"
"Me speaky good?" being suddenly overwhelmed by surprise.
("Would anyone like to buy some sweets?") asked a salesman who was walking by. It had been a bad day for him. Some kid in a yellow shirt had told him that a large city was only a couple miles up that path and he had ended up taking a four-day hike over a mountain range.
"No." A pause, slightly larger than it wanted to be, ensued. "Well, are the papers in order?" asked Ranma anxiously. Akane was having a bit of trouble, not in reading the papers, but in finding something wrong about them. They were in Japanese and Chinese, so Ranma (past) could read them. Eventually Ranma (present) leaned over, taking a clue from Akane's strained expression, pointed to a line and said some blibber and Akane nodded. She then turned and handed the papers to Genma, who was staring blankly into the sky.
"What?" said Genma in what he quickly realised was a far too casual tone.
("I want to give you this pamphlet,") said Akane in Chinese; desperately hopping that Genma would understand. Genma didn't. ("I want to buy a cheese sandwich.") She was pointing at the papers and shaking her head. Genma then got a clue and took the papers.
("Sorry, I don't have any cheese sandwiches at the moment. Ate the last one yesterday.") responded the salesman, who was still standing on the path, shouting over to them.
Genma (future) recognised the photos. He had never quite worked out why his hand had adopted that position of loosing the middle and ring fingers. It might have had something to do with how you could see Ranma's foot leaving off the side of the photo. He flipped through the pages and eventually found a piece that he could comment on, the Chinese entry permit.
"If you speaky Japanese, I can. Do you want to buy something?"
Though they had swam across the Sea of Japan, customs officials still managed to spot the two swimmers coming from two odd miles away and swarmed upon the two like locusts swarm upon a fresh field a wheat to which seasoning has already been added. However, the officials had been greatly disappointed when they discovered that the two swimmers were simply visiting and carried with them less material positions than a dead hermit, therefore preventing them from extracting any money from the already non- existent wallet. Genma nodded authoritatively again and indicated a section of text to the two travellers before him. Genma, standing up for the fifth time, and the other looked over curiously.
"This is not good. You must get another," said Genma, desperately trying to disguise his voice. Both Ranma's looked worried. Akane was anxious. Genma was pointing. The panda was angry. The salesman wasn't selling. Ryoga was going the wrong way out of the crowd.
'But the officials at the border said that all was in order,' read a sign held by the panda. This threw the salesman, but he simply responded by holding a sign reading, 'I got a map to some bamboo buddy.' Sadly, the panda took no notice of him.
'Hard sale today.'
"The officials were correct. It was in order, but it isn't in order now."
Ranma then asked a rather obvious question, "Why can you speak Japanese so well but they can't? And why do you two look so familiar. I know that I've seen you somewhere before. You haven't been following us have you?"
Genma (future) attempted to be disgusted with himself, but didn't find it that difficult. "You should teach your son more respect. I have travelled in Japan and studied it's language. I am very proud of that."
"You want buy food?"
"NO! I DON'T!" responded Akane in a nice, friendly tone, adding a minor accent by using Soun's head technique.
"Oh. Bye bye then!" The salesman walked on down the hill, reassured by the fact that he had found those with no money already. More people had to be nearer and had to be easier sales than that. As he trotted down the hill, he looked into the village and grinned broadly at the crowds. He also noticed that two lines were weaving their way through the crowd. One small one was going around in circles to everywhere but here. Another was aiming straight for him. The salesman, though, didn't care since he only saw a crowd of customers.
Ranma (past) was now very confused. "How do you know?"
"Oh, sorry miss. I must have had a slip of the tongue. Now, if you would please come with me and my associates." Genma did not manage to do this, though, since a raging bull and a ball of wood approached them in exactly the way that rocks normally don't.
Well, now isn't that exciting? To be confusing, our current cast of characters includes: Ranma (present), Genma (present), Happosaii (present), Ryoga (future), Akane (future), Happosaii (future), Genma (future), Shampoo (past), Cologne (past), Ranma (past), Genma (past), and Constipated Bird Flock (real).
If you understand the plot as of now, you are a good person and should work for a major University for the English department.
To be slightly more confusing, who are these people that I had popping up in the last two instalments.
Well, the next chapter should be shorter than this one. It isn't as a pivotal point in the plot, mainly a lead up to Chapter 6. Remember to send all slag, slander, and extra cash to tripleplay97@yahoo.com
-Ryoga
Mirror Rule #4: When used the mirror creates parallel time lines. One is the original line left by the travellers in which the travellers leave and never return. Secondly is the one in which the travellers exist, so that they are not effected by any changes until they return to what they believe is their original time line. Finally separate time lines are formed based on the actions that they perform upon time. They travel into these time lines during long journeys (ah, temporal anomaly).