A/N- Okay, well, this is what I've come up with so far. Sorry the story's
going so slowly. I'm finding it hard to speed it along. There's too many
feelings and thoughts to consider. Looks like we'll be in it for the long
haul (there are a *lot* more chapters to come). By the way, I'm open to
ideas, so make sure you r&r or email me at: evil_angel@ihavepms.com thanks
a bunch. I'm trying hard to make you all happy…we'll see what
happens…there's a few twists and stuff to come, I guess… :)
**************************
I look up from my seat on the couch as they walk in. I must look horrible. I haven't stopped crying since Angel left. I've had time to think this over, and I'm not upset about having a baby. I mean, one look at Connor and I want one of my very own. (Guess I'm getting my wish, huh?) But there's still so much for me to think about. I look back at Angel, hoping he's forgiven me a little. (I know that regaining his trust is gonna take some time, but I really need him right now.) He's smiling but I know deep down he's still angry, I would be too. What I did was wrong. I can feel tears fill my eyes again and I turn from his view to wipe them away.
I'm glad the rest of the gang isn't back yet.(They're off following up on a few contacts and stuff for some of our cases.) This is hard enough for me already without having to tell them tonight as well.
Lorne's still living upstairs, but I've avoided him all day. He'd know *everything* at once and I can't handle that whole reading-of-the-soul thing right now. It just occurred to me. *Has* he read me in the past 2 months? If he has, he'd know about that night, among other things. He can't have because there is *no* way he wouldn't confront me. (C'mon…this *is* Lorne we're talkin' about.) Plus, the first thing he'd want to do is be a loyal friend and tell Angel…unless, of course, he knows how horrible I felt- no-feel about it. Oh, God…this is all just too hard to think about right now.
*It's all just too hard*. Last month everything was normal, sure my period was late, but it happens sometimes. (The damn visions muck all sorts of things in my body up.) So I wasn't worried. A week or so went by and I started to realise that this time was different, so I went to the doctor.(I didn't even think that I could be pregnant) He took all sorts of tests and told me he'd call when they got the results. He called the other day to tell me that the results were finally in (there'd been some sort of delay or whatever…which is pretty bad for a doctor, because if it were something *really* serious/life threatening, he could have been too late…) so I made an appointment for this morning 'cos it was the earliest he could see me.
Truthfully, I wasn't expecting any of this at all. Yet, here I sit. Fighting back tears while Angel and Lindsey (who've had some sort of heart to Hart…Hey! I punned! Badly, I know, but…oh, where was I?…) stroll back into the lobby of the Hyperion to talk to me about having this baby.
The two of them are standing in front of me now. Lindsey says my name, to greet me, but his voice says so much more. He really cares and I know that by Angel actually bringing him here without any signs of a fight it means he wants to seriously talk it over with me.
I'm starting to think that it would have been easier if he didn't. It would have been easier if Angel let out all of his anger at me onto him (Lindsey). That way, he probably wouldn't exist anymore and all of this would be a lot less complicated. But…that's just not happening.
I open my mouth to speak, but all I can do is croak his name in return. There's a long and awkward pause until Angel hesitates for a second, before saying that he should go check on Fred and Connor. Then he walks off, leaving me and Lindsey alone. I don't want to be alone with him, but I know we have to talk. In private.
He takes a step towards me, slowly. Its almost as if he thinks he's gonna scare me away, like some timid bunny rabbit. I uncurl myself and sit up properly. "Lindsey," I begin. My voice is so quiet that *I* can barely hear it. "Lindsey I…" For what is probably the first time in my life, I'm lost for words. "…I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you. You already know the basics…and that's about all I know too." I tell him shakily.
He sits down on the coffee table in front of me, leans forward and looks into my eyes. I can't pull away from his gaze, even though I desperately want to. "Cordelia…I'm so sorry. I should have thought-"
I cut him off. "I'm not angry at you. Hell, I'm not even upset with you. I'm just confused…and a little scared right now. My life is taking a major change, but it's not your fault."(Or not completely, anyway.)
"But I shouldn't have-" He starts again. And, once again, I interrupt.
"We both made choices that night, Lindsey. And now I'm…we're…I'm…" I don't know which word to use. I don't even know if he wants to be involved anymore. "Well, there are always implications resulting from those choices. This is just one of them." Did I actually say 'implications' ? I think I've been hangin' with Wesley a *little* too much.
"I can't help but feel at least partly responsible…did you just say 'implications'?"
I smile for the first time in hours. He knows me better than I thought. (Is that good or bad?) "Yup. Been spending too much time with the ex-watcher, huh?" The awkwardness is starting to disappear. He smiles back. I always thought he was good looking, but now that he's not completely evil (he's still a lawyer as far as I know) there's something even more appealing (and there I go again with the Wesley-words).
"You should do that more often." He informs me.
"Spend time with Wesley?"
He chuckles. "No. Smile. It really brings out your beauty."
I'm taken by surprise. This is definitely not the same evil lawyer that I used to despise. Nope. He's been taken hostage by this intruder. And I'm ashamed to say that I like it. "You know, if you go around saying stuff like that all the time you could end up getting a girl pregnant." I tell him, half joking and forgetting the seriousness of the situation that I'm in. Suddenly, the awkwardness is back. (Damn it.)
"I didn't mean to sound like that…unless you're interested …to give *us* a chance, I mean… I *think* that I have feelings for you…its been a while since I've let myself acknowledge these types of feelings, but…if you're okay with having me in our kid's life… I'd like it if we thought about *us*…" He says, speaking fast and sounding nervous (and not making a lot of sense). Its hard to believe he *is* a lawyer at the moment. He stops to gather his thoughts. "To get to the point… Did you want to pick up where we left off the other night? Maybe go out to dinner and talk like a normal couple? It's not like we *don't* have anything to discuss." He glances down at my still-flat tummy, which we both know is gonna get nice and fat.
Wait a second…he's hitting on me…but I guess he has a valid reason. I mean, we *did* click that night. Not that I can remember that much of it, except the drinking…and the kissing…and the sex. (Which *was* good. I'll admit. Anyhow, moving on…) And he *seems* to be genuine about his feelings. Plus, there's the whole, *me*-gonna-have-*his*-baby issue.
I don't know what to say. A *huge* part of me is screaming to say no, but the other part is screaming to say yes. And I'm getting this funky feeling…
Oh, crap. I think I'm falling for Lindsey McDonald. And I thought Angel was angry at me *before*. Oh, boy. Wait 'til here hears this one…
I smile back at him. Against almost all of my instincts, I reply ; "I'd like that."
**************************
I look up from my seat on the couch as they walk in. I must look horrible. I haven't stopped crying since Angel left. I've had time to think this over, and I'm not upset about having a baby. I mean, one look at Connor and I want one of my very own. (Guess I'm getting my wish, huh?) But there's still so much for me to think about. I look back at Angel, hoping he's forgiven me a little. (I know that regaining his trust is gonna take some time, but I really need him right now.) He's smiling but I know deep down he's still angry, I would be too. What I did was wrong. I can feel tears fill my eyes again and I turn from his view to wipe them away.
I'm glad the rest of the gang isn't back yet.(They're off following up on a few contacts and stuff for some of our cases.) This is hard enough for me already without having to tell them tonight as well.
Lorne's still living upstairs, but I've avoided him all day. He'd know *everything* at once and I can't handle that whole reading-of-the-soul thing right now. It just occurred to me. *Has* he read me in the past 2 months? If he has, he'd know about that night, among other things. He can't have because there is *no* way he wouldn't confront me. (C'mon…this *is* Lorne we're talkin' about.) Plus, the first thing he'd want to do is be a loyal friend and tell Angel…unless, of course, he knows how horrible I felt- no-feel about it. Oh, God…this is all just too hard to think about right now.
*It's all just too hard*. Last month everything was normal, sure my period was late, but it happens sometimes. (The damn visions muck all sorts of things in my body up.) So I wasn't worried. A week or so went by and I started to realise that this time was different, so I went to the doctor.(I didn't even think that I could be pregnant) He took all sorts of tests and told me he'd call when they got the results. He called the other day to tell me that the results were finally in (there'd been some sort of delay or whatever…which is pretty bad for a doctor, because if it were something *really* serious/life threatening, he could have been too late…) so I made an appointment for this morning 'cos it was the earliest he could see me.
Truthfully, I wasn't expecting any of this at all. Yet, here I sit. Fighting back tears while Angel and Lindsey (who've had some sort of heart to Hart…Hey! I punned! Badly, I know, but…oh, where was I?…) stroll back into the lobby of the Hyperion to talk to me about having this baby.
The two of them are standing in front of me now. Lindsey says my name, to greet me, but his voice says so much more. He really cares and I know that by Angel actually bringing him here without any signs of a fight it means he wants to seriously talk it over with me.
I'm starting to think that it would have been easier if he didn't. It would have been easier if Angel let out all of his anger at me onto him (Lindsey). That way, he probably wouldn't exist anymore and all of this would be a lot less complicated. But…that's just not happening.
I open my mouth to speak, but all I can do is croak his name in return. There's a long and awkward pause until Angel hesitates for a second, before saying that he should go check on Fred and Connor. Then he walks off, leaving me and Lindsey alone. I don't want to be alone with him, but I know we have to talk. In private.
He takes a step towards me, slowly. Its almost as if he thinks he's gonna scare me away, like some timid bunny rabbit. I uncurl myself and sit up properly. "Lindsey," I begin. My voice is so quiet that *I* can barely hear it. "Lindsey I…" For what is probably the first time in my life, I'm lost for words. "…I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you. You already know the basics…and that's about all I know too." I tell him shakily.
He sits down on the coffee table in front of me, leans forward and looks into my eyes. I can't pull away from his gaze, even though I desperately want to. "Cordelia…I'm so sorry. I should have thought-"
I cut him off. "I'm not angry at you. Hell, I'm not even upset with you. I'm just confused…and a little scared right now. My life is taking a major change, but it's not your fault."(Or not completely, anyway.)
"But I shouldn't have-" He starts again. And, once again, I interrupt.
"We both made choices that night, Lindsey. And now I'm…we're…I'm…" I don't know which word to use. I don't even know if he wants to be involved anymore. "Well, there are always implications resulting from those choices. This is just one of them." Did I actually say 'implications' ? I think I've been hangin' with Wesley a *little* too much.
"I can't help but feel at least partly responsible…did you just say 'implications'?"
I smile for the first time in hours. He knows me better than I thought. (Is that good or bad?) "Yup. Been spending too much time with the ex-watcher, huh?" The awkwardness is starting to disappear. He smiles back. I always thought he was good looking, but now that he's not completely evil (he's still a lawyer as far as I know) there's something even more appealing (and there I go again with the Wesley-words).
"You should do that more often." He informs me.
"Spend time with Wesley?"
He chuckles. "No. Smile. It really brings out your beauty."
I'm taken by surprise. This is definitely not the same evil lawyer that I used to despise. Nope. He's been taken hostage by this intruder. And I'm ashamed to say that I like it. "You know, if you go around saying stuff like that all the time you could end up getting a girl pregnant." I tell him, half joking and forgetting the seriousness of the situation that I'm in. Suddenly, the awkwardness is back. (Damn it.)
"I didn't mean to sound like that…unless you're interested …to give *us* a chance, I mean… I *think* that I have feelings for you…its been a while since I've let myself acknowledge these types of feelings, but…if you're okay with having me in our kid's life… I'd like it if we thought about *us*…" He says, speaking fast and sounding nervous (and not making a lot of sense). Its hard to believe he *is* a lawyer at the moment. He stops to gather his thoughts. "To get to the point… Did you want to pick up where we left off the other night? Maybe go out to dinner and talk like a normal couple? It's not like we *don't* have anything to discuss." He glances down at my still-flat tummy, which we both know is gonna get nice and fat.
Wait a second…he's hitting on me…but I guess he has a valid reason. I mean, we *did* click that night. Not that I can remember that much of it, except the drinking…and the kissing…and the sex. (Which *was* good. I'll admit. Anyhow, moving on…) And he *seems* to be genuine about his feelings. Plus, there's the whole, *me*-gonna-have-*his*-baby issue.
I don't know what to say. A *huge* part of me is screaming to say no, but the other part is screaming to say yes. And I'm getting this funky feeling…
Oh, crap. I think I'm falling for Lindsey McDonald. And I thought Angel was angry at me *before*. Oh, boy. Wait 'til here hears this one…
I smile back at him. Against almost all of my instincts, I reply ; "I'd like that."