A/N- They're still not getting very far, but I'm writing more each time. I
promise the second I get a chance to speed this along, I will. In the mean
time please enjoy what I have done…or at least post a review. Ta. :)
*********************************
I swallow hard waiting for Cordelia's reply. I just asked her (in a round-a- bout way) if there was a future for *us*. As in, as a couple. She hasn't answered in what seems like hours, and I'm worried that she doesn't want me around at all. I'm also worried that she'll say no and that she really *does* hate me for what I'm putting her through.
*I'm worried?* That's sooo not like me. No. It is like me. Just not the *old* me. Not the lawyer from 'Wolfram & Hart'.
Now, I'm *definitely* thinking that I've changed. I used to be callous, emotionless and (because there's no better word for it) evil. Where's all that now? Instead, I'm feeling all these things…emotions, I guess… for Cordelia. For Cordelia Chase, of all people! But, its not just physical attraction either. She is gorgeous, there's no denying it, but it's not like that. I think that it's deeper. Much deeper. I mean, she has this air of compassion, and love and sincerity surrounding her. (Things that I thought I'd forgotten long ago.) And I find that sooo alluring. (Whereas the Lindsey McDonald of W&H would see it as weaknesses and use them against her and the people she loves and that love her in return… But that's not me anymore…I hope.)
It's funny though. I never imagined Cordelia to be like this. At 'Wolfram & Hart' we looked her up…checked her background and what have you. She was a cheerleader and one of the most popular girls at Sunnydale High. She even had a following called the Cordettes. And, from what our sources told us, she was cruel, vain, naïve…the list goes on. But the woman sitting in front of me proves otherwise.
Looks like I'm not the only one who's changed.
She smiles at me. It's a warm and inviting smile. "I'd like that." She finally replies.
And that's all she needs to say. I breathe again. I had been holding my breath for so long…buts its okay now. I doubt that this is what Angel was expecting when I said that I wanted to be involved but, for once, he's gonna have to realise that this isn't about him. It's about me and Cordy and our baby. Oh, god. We're gonna have a baby. I almost forgot. Well, not *forgot* forgot, but…you know what I mean.
I was too wrapped up in realising that I'm falling in love…did I just think that? Christ… I did. I think I love Cordelia. Oh no. I *can't* love. I'm evil….no…I'n not evil. Not Anymore. I think I'm going insane. Yep. That's my excuse. I had sex with a good guy and now I'm insane. After all, that's what happened to Angel when he was with the slayer, right?
(Lindsey, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! You're not going insane. And Angel didn't go insane when he slept with the slayer, he lost his soul and turned evil. Besides, you're not like him. You're just letting everything sink in. Everything is hitting you now. You were in denial before. It happens. Now, are you gonna calm down and get on with your life or not?)
I guess I am just letting reality set in. I mean, 2 hours ago my life was normal...well, as normal as an ex-lawyer from an evil law firm's life can be. I didn't love anyone and I was only responsible for myself. I wasn't going to be a father and I wasn't afraid of how Cordelia felt about me. In fact, all that night was to me was a good time.
Sure, I did wish I could have seen Cordy after. Maybe I even thought about calling and asking her to go out for dinner or coffee or something (There *was* chemistry between us.) But, I didn't have anything…or anyone…to worry about, except me.
But that's all changed. Now, as it turns out, I'm helping to bring a child into the world and I have to worry about the way I act and everything else that could affect their life. It's a scary thought. And I guess I kinda' flipped before, because I'm unsure of a lot of things.
I don't want to screw things up for Cordy any more than I already have, so what do I do? I tell her that I have feelings for her and I tell her that I want to play a major role in my kid's life. Noooo… that's not complicating things further for her. Bullshit it's not. I feel so guilty 'cos somewhere deep down inside I know that we'll never work. But I'm still going through with it. I can only hope that I don't screw up (or at least not badly). If not for my sake, for Cordy and her-no-our baby's.
I smile back at her (hoping against hope that my expression didn't change during my inner ranting session) and lean forward instinctively. She leans towards me and our lips meet. (Obviously it didn't.) This feels so natural. We don't have to speak. We've made a silent decision. I don't need to tell her that I love her and she doesn't need to tell me. It's all in the kiss. When we part I stand up and offer her my hand. She takes it and I pull her up. I look back into her eyes. She's crying again. "Cordy…" I whisper and pull her into my arms. "Its okay. Its going to be okay."
She pulls away and looks at me. "Wow…Dejavu." She sniffles.
I smile again, raising an eyebrow. She sort of grins sheepishly and says, "This is just like when I told Angel and I was crying and he held me and said the same thing." She's stopped sobbing, but her voice is shaky. "The exact same thing."
"Angel, huh?" I can't help sounding jealous. There's something there…between Cordy and him, I mean…that gets to me.
"You're jealous?" She asks. Her tone is somewhere between pleased and disbelieving.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know. I guess you're entitled to be…now. But, not before 'cos he's a friend and I went to him 'cos I didn't have you…I didn't have anyone… and he's always been a friend and always will be…so you don't really have to be jealous. But I kinda like it…you being jealous, I mean." She laughs quietly. "Man, I'm making less sense than you were before, huh?"
I shake my head. "No. I understood." She smiles weakly and leans back onto me, her head resting on my shoulder. And then she's crying again. I hold her close and rub her back, trying to comfort her. It feels so right, like this is where I'm supposed to be forever. "Cordy," I coo, "What's wrong."
It takes her a while to answer, because she bursts into a new round of tears and muffled sobs. "I…I'm still confused and scared… I know its s..stupid, but-"
"Its not stupid. I'm scared too." (Well, I am. I hate to admit it, but I am.)
"Y…you are?" She stutters.
(If you only knew.) "Of course. I'm afraid I'll do somethin' stupid to muck everything between us up. I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough dad. And I'm afraid Angel's gonna kick my sorry ass 'cos I know he isn't gonna like this." I feel her chuckle slightly, between sobs. "But mostly, I'm afraid I'll lose you when you realise I'm no good for you." (There I said it. And there's no taking it back.) "And while I'm being honest…I'm a lawyer, so it doesn't happen often…" She chuckles again. "…I'm afraid you won't love me like I love you." And there it is. My biggest fear as of the second I fell in love with her (and I'm still trying to pinpoint that exact moment…). Out in the open.
She doesn't reply, so I continue. "I *know* its hard to believe Cordy, but I've changed. Or, at least, I'm trying to." She nods, smearing make-up all over the shoulder of my shirt. I don't care about that. I care only about her.
Wow. Another revelation. I'm back to being a normal human being. Almost. I know I've still got work to do, but I will make up for how bad I've been. Its strange, but I can almost identify with Angel. Actually, I *can* identify with Angel. We were both very evil demons (or, I was close enough to it) given a second or third chance to make things right. We both have to earn humanity (yes, I do know about the shanshu thing) and we both have had one-night stands, which have changed our lives (and un-lives).
But that doesn't mean I like the guy. Not yet. I guess there are still parts of the old Lindsey in me that I won't let go of. Like the fact I'm not (or I wasn't) the most forgiving guy on the planet. And, as far as I know, Angel still hates me. He just kept me alive to be fair to his friend. Plus, I don't think it'll make him any happier to find out me and Cordy are together.
Almost as if she can read my thoughts, Cordelia speaks. "Angel will deal. Don't worry. Sure, he'll brood and be a little cranky…I mean, he hates you." She stops and looks up at me. I'm not much taller than her (But she's wearing heels at the moment) so its not like I have to look down at her. "Sorry." She says.
"Its okay. He's not my favourite person either."
She smiles again, brightening the room instantly. "Well, he's gonna have to get used to *us* anyhow."
I smile back at her. "Definitely." Before I can say anything else, I find her lips locking to mine. I run my fingers through her hair. Like I said before, this is strangely natural.
We're both so consumed in the kiss that we don't notice the doors to the Hyperion swing open.
"Hey! What the hell?! What' s the evil white dude doin' back in L.A and why's he kissing Cordelia?!" The young black man (I think his name's Charles Gunn…) yells out. He's standing in the middle of the lobby facing us. That Wyndham-Pryce is next to him, looking just as shocked.
We separate immediately. Angel bounds down the stairs at a hundred miles per hour to see what's going on. A brunette that I've never seen before follows him. (*That's* Fred? I was expecting a guy.) She's clutching a small bundle of blankets to her chest. (No, wait. That's a not just blanket. It's a baby. Oh…*that* must be Angel's kid.)
"Is ANYONE gonna answer my question?!" That Gunn guy calls again.
I glance at Cordelia. I offer her I 'you want me to answer this?' look. She shakes her head, stepping forward to her friends. The two men pull away and Fred (who had walked to their side) looks from them to Cordy then back to them, looking lost. She's already handed the baby to Angel and, while he cradles it protectively, he stays well away from the confrontation. He won't for long, though.
"Guys…" Cordy begins. "Guys, listen. I can explain this."
"What's all the ruckus about?" Another voice asks. I turn to see the host from Caritas (I've played my guitar there before) make his way towards the rest of the group. He looks over to Cordy and I. She opens her mouth to explain, but his eyes bulge before she can speak. "Oh boy." He says. "This *is* interesting."
Again, nobody speaks. We all stand in the middle of the lobby waiting for a response from Cordelia. I would speak, but she's made it clear that it's *her* position to do something, not mine.
Gunn breaks the silence again. "Would SOMEONE please tell me what the hell is going on?!"
*********************************
I swallow hard waiting for Cordelia's reply. I just asked her (in a round-a- bout way) if there was a future for *us*. As in, as a couple. She hasn't answered in what seems like hours, and I'm worried that she doesn't want me around at all. I'm also worried that she'll say no and that she really *does* hate me for what I'm putting her through.
*I'm worried?* That's sooo not like me. No. It is like me. Just not the *old* me. Not the lawyer from 'Wolfram & Hart'.
Now, I'm *definitely* thinking that I've changed. I used to be callous, emotionless and (because there's no better word for it) evil. Where's all that now? Instead, I'm feeling all these things…emotions, I guess… for Cordelia. For Cordelia Chase, of all people! But, its not just physical attraction either. She is gorgeous, there's no denying it, but it's not like that. I think that it's deeper. Much deeper. I mean, she has this air of compassion, and love and sincerity surrounding her. (Things that I thought I'd forgotten long ago.) And I find that sooo alluring. (Whereas the Lindsey McDonald of W&H would see it as weaknesses and use them against her and the people she loves and that love her in return… But that's not me anymore…I hope.)
It's funny though. I never imagined Cordelia to be like this. At 'Wolfram & Hart' we looked her up…checked her background and what have you. She was a cheerleader and one of the most popular girls at Sunnydale High. She even had a following called the Cordettes. And, from what our sources told us, she was cruel, vain, naïve…the list goes on. But the woman sitting in front of me proves otherwise.
Looks like I'm not the only one who's changed.
She smiles at me. It's a warm and inviting smile. "I'd like that." She finally replies.
And that's all she needs to say. I breathe again. I had been holding my breath for so long…buts its okay now. I doubt that this is what Angel was expecting when I said that I wanted to be involved but, for once, he's gonna have to realise that this isn't about him. It's about me and Cordy and our baby. Oh, god. We're gonna have a baby. I almost forgot. Well, not *forgot* forgot, but…you know what I mean.
I was too wrapped up in realising that I'm falling in love…did I just think that? Christ… I did. I think I love Cordelia. Oh no. I *can't* love. I'm evil….no…I'n not evil. Not Anymore. I think I'm going insane. Yep. That's my excuse. I had sex with a good guy and now I'm insane. After all, that's what happened to Angel when he was with the slayer, right?
(Lindsey, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! You're not going insane. And Angel didn't go insane when he slept with the slayer, he lost his soul and turned evil. Besides, you're not like him. You're just letting everything sink in. Everything is hitting you now. You were in denial before. It happens. Now, are you gonna calm down and get on with your life or not?)
I guess I am just letting reality set in. I mean, 2 hours ago my life was normal...well, as normal as an ex-lawyer from an evil law firm's life can be. I didn't love anyone and I was only responsible for myself. I wasn't going to be a father and I wasn't afraid of how Cordelia felt about me. In fact, all that night was to me was a good time.
Sure, I did wish I could have seen Cordy after. Maybe I even thought about calling and asking her to go out for dinner or coffee or something (There *was* chemistry between us.) But, I didn't have anything…or anyone…to worry about, except me.
But that's all changed. Now, as it turns out, I'm helping to bring a child into the world and I have to worry about the way I act and everything else that could affect their life. It's a scary thought. And I guess I kinda' flipped before, because I'm unsure of a lot of things.
I don't want to screw things up for Cordy any more than I already have, so what do I do? I tell her that I have feelings for her and I tell her that I want to play a major role in my kid's life. Noooo… that's not complicating things further for her. Bullshit it's not. I feel so guilty 'cos somewhere deep down inside I know that we'll never work. But I'm still going through with it. I can only hope that I don't screw up (or at least not badly). If not for my sake, for Cordy and her-no-our baby's.
I smile back at her (hoping against hope that my expression didn't change during my inner ranting session) and lean forward instinctively. She leans towards me and our lips meet. (Obviously it didn't.) This feels so natural. We don't have to speak. We've made a silent decision. I don't need to tell her that I love her and she doesn't need to tell me. It's all in the kiss. When we part I stand up and offer her my hand. She takes it and I pull her up. I look back into her eyes. She's crying again. "Cordy…" I whisper and pull her into my arms. "Its okay. Its going to be okay."
She pulls away and looks at me. "Wow…Dejavu." She sniffles.
I smile again, raising an eyebrow. She sort of grins sheepishly and says, "This is just like when I told Angel and I was crying and he held me and said the same thing." She's stopped sobbing, but her voice is shaky. "The exact same thing."
"Angel, huh?" I can't help sounding jealous. There's something there…between Cordy and him, I mean…that gets to me.
"You're jealous?" She asks. Her tone is somewhere between pleased and disbelieving.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know. I guess you're entitled to be…now. But, not before 'cos he's a friend and I went to him 'cos I didn't have you…I didn't have anyone… and he's always been a friend and always will be…so you don't really have to be jealous. But I kinda like it…you being jealous, I mean." She laughs quietly. "Man, I'm making less sense than you were before, huh?"
I shake my head. "No. I understood." She smiles weakly and leans back onto me, her head resting on my shoulder. And then she's crying again. I hold her close and rub her back, trying to comfort her. It feels so right, like this is where I'm supposed to be forever. "Cordy," I coo, "What's wrong."
It takes her a while to answer, because she bursts into a new round of tears and muffled sobs. "I…I'm still confused and scared… I know its s..stupid, but-"
"Its not stupid. I'm scared too." (Well, I am. I hate to admit it, but I am.)
"Y…you are?" She stutters.
(If you only knew.) "Of course. I'm afraid I'll do somethin' stupid to muck everything between us up. I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough dad. And I'm afraid Angel's gonna kick my sorry ass 'cos I know he isn't gonna like this." I feel her chuckle slightly, between sobs. "But mostly, I'm afraid I'll lose you when you realise I'm no good for you." (There I said it. And there's no taking it back.) "And while I'm being honest…I'm a lawyer, so it doesn't happen often…" She chuckles again. "…I'm afraid you won't love me like I love you." And there it is. My biggest fear as of the second I fell in love with her (and I'm still trying to pinpoint that exact moment…). Out in the open.
She doesn't reply, so I continue. "I *know* its hard to believe Cordy, but I've changed. Or, at least, I'm trying to." She nods, smearing make-up all over the shoulder of my shirt. I don't care about that. I care only about her.
Wow. Another revelation. I'm back to being a normal human being. Almost. I know I've still got work to do, but I will make up for how bad I've been. Its strange, but I can almost identify with Angel. Actually, I *can* identify with Angel. We were both very evil demons (or, I was close enough to it) given a second or third chance to make things right. We both have to earn humanity (yes, I do know about the shanshu thing) and we both have had one-night stands, which have changed our lives (and un-lives).
But that doesn't mean I like the guy. Not yet. I guess there are still parts of the old Lindsey in me that I won't let go of. Like the fact I'm not (or I wasn't) the most forgiving guy on the planet. And, as far as I know, Angel still hates me. He just kept me alive to be fair to his friend. Plus, I don't think it'll make him any happier to find out me and Cordy are together.
Almost as if she can read my thoughts, Cordelia speaks. "Angel will deal. Don't worry. Sure, he'll brood and be a little cranky…I mean, he hates you." She stops and looks up at me. I'm not much taller than her (But she's wearing heels at the moment) so its not like I have to look down at her. "Sorry." She says.
"Its okay. He's not my favourite person either."
She smiles again, brightening the room instantly. "Well, he's gonna have to get used to *us* anyhow."
I smile back at her. "Definitely." Before I can say anything else, I find her lips locking to mine. I run my fingers through her hair. Like I said before, this is strangely natural.
We're both so consumed in the kiss that we don't notice the doors to the Hyperion swing open.
"Hey! What the hell?! What' s the evil white dude doin' back in L.A and why's he kissing Cordelia?!" The young black man (I think his name's Charles Gunn…) yells out. He's standing in the middle of the lobby facing us. That Wyndham-Pryce is next to him, looking just as shocked.
We separate immediately. Angel bounds down the stairs at a hundred miles per hour to see what's going on. A brunette that I've never seen before follows him. (*That's* Fred? I was expecting a guy.) She's clutching a small bundle of blankets to her chest. (No, wait. That's a not just blanket. It's a baby. Oh…*that* must be Angel's kid.)
"Is ANYONE gonna answer my question?!" That Gunn guy calls again.
I glance at Cordelia. I offer her I 'you want me to answer this?' look. She shakes her head, stepping forward to her friends. The two men pull away and Fred (who had walked to their side) looks from them to Cordy then back to them, looking lost. She's already handed the baby to Angel and, while he cradles it protectively, he stays well away from the confrontation. He won't for long, though.
"Guys…" Cordy begins. "Guys, listen. I can explain this."
"What's all the ruckus about?" Another voice asks. I turn to see the host from Caritas (I've played my guitar there before) make his way towards the rest of the group. He looks over to Cordy and I. She opens her mouth to explain, but his eyes bulge before she can speak. "Oh boy." He says. "This *is* interesting."
Again, nobody speaks. We all stand in the middle of the lobby waiting for a response from Cordelia. I would speak, but she's made it clear that it's *her* position to do something, not mine.
Gunn breaks the silence again. "Would SOMEONE please tell me what the hell is going on?!"