That's it. Cordy told everyone. Although, she lost me at "Lindsey and I are
gonna see whether *we* work…"
Gunn and Wes are stunned into silence. Fred doesn't know who Lindsey is…or was…or whatever, but she's shocked too. I guess the fact that Cordy's pregnant has something to do with it. Or maybe even the fact that she's capable of betraying our trust to begin with…I don't know. Either way, everyone's speechless. Even Lorne. (And it takes a lot to get him to shut up. He kept talking even when he was decapitated. Seriously.)
I can't say I'm happy that they're together. What part of 'Lindsey tried to destroy us' did Cordy *not* get? Then again, I tried to destroy us as well, so I'm not really one to speak, but that's different. Or, at least, I hope it is…. It is! 'cos I tried to destroy us because *Lindsey* brought Darla back to make me go insane. Hah! I'm better than him.
Why did I just make that comparison? I sound like a 5 year old. Plus, its not like I'm jealous, or anything. And Cordy doesn't have to compare us…our relationship isn't like that. We're just friends. More like family, actually. Who am I trying to convince here, anyhow? Myself? No. No way. I already know all of this; I don't need convincing…I love Cordelia as my friend and sister. Not like a lover. If she knew I'd just thought that, she'd laugh. She's soo cute when she laughs. Her nose does this little wrinkle thing and…
Crap. This can't be happening. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I'm supposed to be *upset* with Cordy. She violated my trust…but she's soo sorry for that. I can feel it. (No. Bad Angel. Grrr. You are not supposed to fall for Cordy.)
Too late.
When did this happen? I've never *ever* thought about her as anything other than friend or family. Why has it taken me this long to realise? Why *now*? Now that she has a man (and her own baby) in her life? Or is this just jealousy? Is this just my fear of losing her?
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Lorne looks at me. I know he's reading my soul…or thoughts…or whatever. "Angelcakes. Can I have a word with you?" He asks, dragging me away from the scene. Cordelia watches me go. I bet she thinks he's trying to get me less angry at her. Thing is, I'm not angry at her. I never was. I was angry that she betrayed my trust and I was angry that she wasn't planning on ever telling me, but I was never angry at *her*.
Once we're safely outside, away from prying ears, he speaks. "What was that…?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." I've resorted to lying now? Oh, this is good. Not.
"I think you do, SweetCheeks."
(Would he not call me that? Angelcakes is bad enough. I swear he's worse than Xander ever was.) "Look, I'm going crazy here." I admit. "And no. I don't want to talk about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give Connor his bottle and-" I try to walk back inside, but he blocks my path.
"Angelcakes, you're not going crazy. And you *are* going to talk about it. Remember the last time you tried to hide all of your pain?"
"Yes, I do. And now I have a beautiful baby boy to look after, so if you don't mind-" I try to move past him, but he puts his green hand on my chest and pushes me back.
"I do mind actually. Why are you fighting this? Leaving it unspoken is only going to make it hurt more."
(I don't know) "Maybe I can handle it this time." He gives me a look that screams 'oh, please', so I give in with a sigh. "What do you *want* me to say, Lorne?"
"How's about 'I think that I'm in love with Cordelia and I'm planning on attacking Lindsey when he's not looking' ?"
"I never…I'm *not* planning on attacking Lindsey. I'd like to, but…" I stop and look at him again. "Fine. You win. I think I'm in love with Cordy. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"
"And…?"
Here goes. Remember, he asked for it. "I *could* be happy for her. I *could* sit back and let her enjoy her life. I *could*, but she's not with someone I like. Hell, she's not even with someone I trust. He's no good for her. He's gonna hurt her. I know he won't beat her physically, but he'll break her heart. I can't let him do that." I blurt it all out and wait for his advice.
"There, now doesn't that feel better?"
"Not really. I'm still pissed off."
He laughs. "It happens, Angelpie." (Not another pet name…) "But if it helps, I think Lindsey *really* loves her and he's being genuine. He's not as evil as you make him out to be."
"No. That doesn't help." I snap back.
"Somehow, I didn't think it would."
We laugh and he pats me on the back. This talking thing (as much as I hate to admit it) does actually help. Who would have thought? We walk back into the Hyperion. Nobody's moved. There's still an awkward silence and the tension is so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it.
Connor's screaming pierces the air so suddenly we all jump. Cordy and I are fussing over him in an instant. She treats him as if he's her own. These last few months have made me realise that she's definitely a woman now. One who's going to be an excellent mother. Hell, she already is. She's all Connor knows. Sure, Fred's here too, but he's grown as attached to Cordy as I have.
"I've got him." I tell her.
"Its okay, I got him." She replies.
We both have our hands on him. Neither of us is intending to budge. "No, really Cordy. I got him."
"Angel, I got here first. *I* got him."
It's always like this. We argue and she usually wins. Even if she gives in, she pouts and makes me feel really guilty until I hand him to her. This time I sigh dramatically and move away. She squeals in delight and picks him up. His cries soften and before long he's giggling in her arms, content to watch her pull faces and allow her to tickle him.
I watch her play with my son and sadly admit that it won't always be like this. Even if she wasn't with Lindsey, or anyone else for that matter, it would never work between us. Not even if that night 2 months ago never happened.
Wesley and Gunn are back in motion, but they're still in shock. You'd think that after finding out vampires and demons are real and visiting different dimensions/worlds and learning about different realities, *this* would be a walk in the park for them. But it's not. In fact, I think they're finding it a little hard to understand. They join Lorne and I. We all stand in silence watching as Cordy…*our* Cordy…grows up in front of us.
She's sitting with Fred now. They're playing with Connor on the couch. Lindsey is standing a few feet away, taking the scene in as well. But he's assessing it in a different way. He's obviously taking in the fact that soon that will be his baby in Cordy's arms. (Not mine.) He'll be the proud father. (Not me.) And he's falling in love with her. (The same way I am.)
(Angel, don't do this to yourself. Please. Plus, if you're right, you'll be the one to pick up the pieces when their relationship falls apart. Don't be all broody now, when she needs you the most. You have to be strong, for her. She came to you first. You're supposed to be her rock. You can't do that if you let yourself get all depressed and broody…er)
Lorne pats me on the back. " 'At a boy." Well at least he didn't add… "Angelcakes?"
Damn it. "Hmmm?"
"We need to give him 'THE TALK'."
"Don't you think Connor's a bit young for-"
"Not that 'THE TALK' and not Connor, numbskull. The talk with Lindsey where you say you'll torture him until he *wants* to die if he hurts our princess." Lorne interrupts.
"Oh. I knew that."
"Man, you have a one-track mind, don't ya?" Gunn chuckles. "But, I agree with greeny here. He needs to know what's coming."
"Here, here." Wesley seconds (…or is that thirds now?)
I look from Lorne on my left, to Gunn and Wes on my right, then back at Lindsey. "Lets do this." I see them nod. "Lindsey." I call, motioning for him to come over to us. "We need to talk."
Gunn and Wes are stunned into silence. Fred doesn't know who Lindsey is…or was…or whatever, but she's shocked too. I guess the fact that Cordy's pregnant has something to do with it. Or maybe even the fact that she's capable of betraying our trust to begin with…I don't know. Either way, everyone's speechless. Even Lorne. (And it takes a lot to get him to shut up. He kept talking even when he was decapitated. Seriously.)
I can't say I'm happy that they're together. What part of 'Lindsey tried to destroy us' did Cordy *not* get? Then again, I tried to destroy us as well, so I'm not really one to speak, but that's different. Or, at least, I hope it is…. It is! 'cos I tried to destroy us because *Lindsey* brought Darla back to make me go insane. Hah! I'm better than him.
Why did I just make that comparison? I sound like a 5 year old. Plus, its not like I'm jealous, or anything. And Cordy doesn't have to compare us…our relationship isn't like that. We're just friends. More like family, actually. Who am I trying to convince here, anyhow? Myself? No. No way. I already know all of this; I don't need convincing…I love Cordelia as my friend and sister. Not like a lover. If she knew I'd just thought that, she'd laugh. She's soo cute when she laughs. Her nose does this little wrinkle thing and…
Crap. This can't be happening. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I'm supposed to be *upset* with Cordy. She violated my trust…but she's soo sorry for that. I can feel it. (No. Bad Angel. Grrr. You are not supposed to fall for Cordy.)
Too late.
When did this happen? I've never *ever* thought about her as anything other than friend or family. Why has it taken me this long to realise? Why *now*? Now that she has a man (and her own baby) in her life? Or is this just jealousy? Is this just my fear of losing her?
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Lorne looks at me. I know he's reading my soul…or thoughts…or whatever. "Angelcakes. Can I have a word with you?" He asks, dragging me away from the scene. Cordelia watches me go. I bet she thinks he's trying to get me less angry at her. Thing is, I'm not angry at her. I never was. I was angry that she betrayed my trust and I was angry that she wasn't planning on ever telling me, but I was never angry at *her*.
Once we're safely outside, away from prying ears, he speaks. "What was that…?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." I've resorted to lying now? Oh, this is good. Not.
"I think you do, SweetCheeks."
(Would he not call me that? Angelcakes is bad enough. I swear he's worse than Xander ever was.) "Look, I'm going crazy here." I admit. "And no. I don't want to talk about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give Connor his bottle and-" I try to walk back inside, but he blocks my path.
"Angelcakes, you're not going crazy. And you *are* going to talk about it. Remember the last time you tried to hide all of your pain?"
"Yes, I do. And now I have a beautiful baby boy to look after, so if you don't mind-" I try to move past him, but he puts his green hand on my chest and pushes me back.
"I do mind actually. Why are you fighting this? Leaving it unspoken is only going to make it hurt more."
(I don't know) "Maybe I can handle it this time." He gives me a look that screams 'oh, please', so I give in with a sigh. "What do you *want* me to say, Lorne?"
"How's about 'I think that I'm in love with Cordelia and I'm planning on attacking Lindsey when he's not looking' ?"
"I never…I'm *not* planning on attacking Lindsey. I'd like to, but…" I stop and look at him again. "Fine. You win. I think I'm in love with Cordy. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"
"And…?"
Here goes. Remember, he asked for it. "I *could* be happy for her. I *could* sit back and let her enjoy her life. I *could*, but she's not with someone I like. Hell, she's not even with someone I trust. He's no good for her. He's gonna hurt her. I know he won't beat her physically, but he'll break her heart. I can't let him do that." I blurt it all out and wait for his advice.
"There, now doesn't that feel better?"
"Not really. I'm still pissed off."
He laughs. "It happens, Angelpie." (Not another pet name…) "But if it helps, I think Lindsey *really* loves her and he's being genuine. He's not as evil as you make him out to be."
"No. That doesn't help." I snap back.
"Somehow, I didn't think it would."
We laugh and he pats me on the back. This talking thing (as much as I hate to admit it) does actually help. Who would have thought? We walk back into the Hyperion. Nobody's moved. There's still an awkward silence and the tension is so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it.
Connor's screaming pierces the air so suddenly we all jump. Cordy and I are fussing over him in an instant. She treats him as if he's her own. These last few months have made me realise that she's definitely a woman now. One who's going to be an excellent mother. Hell, she already is. She's all Connor knows. Sure, Fred's here too, but he's grown as attached to Cordy as I have.
"I've got him." I tell her.
"Its okay, I got him." She replies.
We both have our hands on him. Neither of us is intending to budge. "No, really Cordy. I got him."
"Angel, I got here first. *I* got him."
It's always like this. We argue and she usually wins. Even if she gives in, she pouts and makes me feel really guilty until I hand him to her. This time I sigh dramatically and move away. She squeals in delight and picks him up. His cries soften and before long he's giggling in her arms, content to watch her pull faces and allow her to tickle him.
I watch her play with my son and sadly admit that it won't always be like this. Even if she wasn't with Lindsey, or anyone else for that matter, it would never work between us. Not even if that night 2 months ago never happened.
Wesley and Gunn are back in motion, but they're still in shock. You'd think that after finding out vampires and demons are real and visiting different dimensions/worlds and learning about different realities, *this* would be a walk in the park for them. But it's not. In fact, I think they're finding it a little hard to understand. They join Lorne and I. We all stand in silence watching as Cordy…*our* Cordy…grows up in front of us.
She's sitting with Fred now. They're playing with Connor on the couch. Lindsey is standing a few feet away, taking the scene in as well. But he's assessing it in a different way. He's obviously taking in the fact that soon that will be his baby in Cordy's arms. (Not mine.) He'll be the proud father. (Not me.) And he's falling in love with her. (The same way I am.)
(Angel, don't do this to yourself. Please. Plus, if you're right, you'll be the one to pick up the pieces when their relationship falls apart. Don't be all broody now, when she needs you the most. You have to be strong, for her. She came to you first. You're supposed to be her rock. You can't do that if you let yourself get all depressed and broody…er)
Lorne pats me on the back. " 'At a boy." Well at least he didn't add… "Angelcakes?"
Damn it. "Hmmm?"
"We need to give him 'THE TALK'."
"Don't you think Connor's a bit young for-"
"Not that 'THE TALK' and not Connor, numbskull. The talk with Lindsey where you say you'll torture him until he *wants* to die if he hurts our princess." Lorne interrupts.
"Oh. I knew that."
"Man, you have a one-track mind, don't ya?" Gunn chuckles. "But, I agree with greeny here. He needs to know what's coming."
"Here, here." Wesley seconds (…or is that thirds now?)
I look from Lorne on my left, to Gunn and Wes on my right, then back at Lindsey. "Lets do this." I see them nod. "Lindsey." I call, motioning for him to come over to us. "We need to talk."