A/N- okay, so it's starting to sound a little corny, but…I'm trying here.
Still not getting very far, but I have a plan. Kinda. Please keep the
reviews coming. Luv ya.
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So, I told them all. It wasn't as hard as I'd anticipated. I really have been spending too much time with Wesley, haven't I? Oh well. I bet that's gonna change now. Everything's gonna change.
I watched Angel when I got to the '…And Lindsey and I are gonna see whether *we* work…" part. It was obvious that he didn't see it coming. He went blank almost immediately. I wanted to apologise, but then I thought 'No. I'm not going to apologise for discovering unexpectedly that I love someone. Even if that person is the last person in the world I would have ever thought of this way, which Lindsey kinda is.'
I bet Angel wouldn't apologise if it happened to him. Actually, I don't think he'd even realise that he was in love until it was too late…which is soo typical of him. He always seems to lose out when it comes to love. Poor guy. I hope he finds it soon.
Actually, now that I think about it, the last person I'd ever think of falling for would be Angel. I should tell him someday. Might cheer him up. 'Angel and I' as a couple. That's a funny thought, hey? But then again, so is 'Me and Lindsey'. So unconventional, but it works. I hope.
Well, I've got a good 7 months to decide whether it's the best choice or not. I mean, I want Lindsey to be the active father of my child, but I don't want to screw the kid's life around with an 'on again/off again' relationship between parents. At least not in the first few years. They're the most influential…or something like that.
Lorne's looking at Angel strangely. I think he's reading him, or something to that effect. (There I go sounding like Wes again…) I bet Angel's finding this hard to understand. Maybe he's even angry that I'm dealing with it like this. With Lindsey, I mean. Angel hates the guy and now I'm doing the whole 'happy family' thing with him.
I want to talk to Angel…*really* talk to him…in private. There is so much I need to say. I love him so much and I still feel sooooo guilty for what I did. I wonder if he knows. I'm really gonna need him to trust me again. Hell, I'm just really gonna need him. Lindsey's changed and I know he loves me, but Angel's Angel, y'know.
He's been there for me for the past few years, maybe even when we were in Sunnydale (but he was all wrapped up in Buffy back then) and I've grown to see him as my family. I've lost touch with my real family (we were never that close to begin with)…so my relationship with Angel is special. He's the one person that I can always rely on. Sure, I've got Wes and Gunn…even Fred and Lorne, but Angel's my real family as far as I'm concerned. He'll always be there for me. Well, at least I thought he would. But, I don't know whether he'd want to now that I've gone and done this to him.
Lorne's taken him outside now. I wonder if he's trying to convince him not to hate me. Or if he's telling him that killing Lindsey won't help. Or if he's doing both. They're gone for about 5 minutes, in which nobody moves or speaks.
When they come back in Angel won't look at me. (We're back to this again are we?) There's more silence and then Connor starts screaming. I'm by his side in a second, Angel right on my tail. (I was closer than Angel was, otherwise he sooo would have been here first. He always is.) We both fuss over the baby and debate who gets to hold him. I usually win. Actually, I *always* win. The awkwardness between us eases while we do this today. And Angel gives up, playfully making a point of it.
I take Connor over to the couch where Fred joins me to play with him. He loves the attention. I love it when he giggles. Its soo cute. My maternal instincts have really kicked in with Connor. Fred smiles and says, "You're gonna make a great mother."
"I hope so." I reply. I can feel 5 pairs of eyes watching me. There's Lindsey, probably taking in the scene to get ready for when its us…oh boy, this *is* really serious. I've just realised. I hope he doesn't flip and leave when he works it out. If there's one thing I've learned it's that guys don't like a commitment. (What have I gotten myself into?)
Angel, Gunn, Lorne and Wesley are also watching me. I wonder what they're thinking right now. The look on Gunn's face when I explained everything was almost priceless. And Wes, well…he looked somewhere between happy for me and disgusted with me. (Which I guess is better than just plain disgusted…)
"Lindsey." I hear Angel call. "We need to talk."
I look over to see the guys follow Lindsey into Angel's office and close the door. I have a vague idea of what's going on in there and I don't like it. But then, I guess Lindsey deserves it. I mean, he is kinda responsible for all of this. Plus, it proves that the guys still care about me and they don't hate me after all. Yay! Go me! (Now I'm starting to sound less like Wes and more like myself…)
They emerge a few minutes later, Lindsey looking slightly ruffled. The other guys all look proud of themselves for some reason. I want to laugh. It's the cutest scene. I smile at them all and they walk over to join Fred, Connor and I. It almost feels like nothing's changed. Almost.
"So…" I say cautiously, "Where do we go from here?"
"Well, I say we grill Lindsey with questions about his intentions and whatnot." Wesley responds.
"I'm for that." Angel adds.
"Me too." Gunn says.
"I already know what his intentions are…so I'm in on it for the fun." Lorne informs us.
Fred nods enthusiastically. "I think it's a good idea too."
I can't help laughing. I haven't done it in a long time, and it feels good. "Okay, Let him have it." I look at Lindsey, who is obviously thrown by the new plan. "Well, its only fair."
"For who?" He asks.
"Me…and them. We're a family. You have to understand that. And when we don't trust someone… especially someone new to our family... we grill them with questions. And if they refuse to cooperate, well…Angel gets a little violent and very non trusting. So, when you look at it that way, its fair for me 'cos I'm the one who'll suffer if you don't." I pause to take a breath. "See?"
"Fine. Let me have it."
And that's what we do for the next couple of hours. There's laughs and stuff shared and pretty soon it feels like Lindsey's one of the gang (much to Angel's obvious disappointment). And then Fred asks a very simple, yet very challenging question.
"Are ya gonna marry her?"
And then there's silence. To be honest, I never thought about it. And I don't think Lindsey did either.
"I…I don't know…I mean, I love her, but…I don't know…" He stutters.
I jump in with a rescue plan. "Don't you think he's had enough to deal with in one night without talk of marriage. Don't you think *I've* had enough to deal with in one day without thinking about it? I mean, what if I don't want to marry him. I love him, which is something that's shocked me…but I don't think…I mean, not yet…I mean…" And then I've lost my plan. It's gone. I'm up the creek without a paddle now.
Then my Angel comes to the rescue, sort of. He's not letting either of us off the hook that easily. "Well, if not marriage, what *are* you planning on doing? You've got a baby to think of too."
"To tell the truth, we hadn't really thought that far ahead. It was more like 'Can we discuss this over dinner sometime and work it out then?' " I reply. I look at Lindsey apologetically, 'cos what I'm gonna suggest is probably going throw him. "I was thinking we move in together somewhere down the track. See how that goes."
And now the attention is focussed on Lindsey again. Strangely he doesn't look phased. "So was I. The question is who moves where?"
Everyone looks back at me. Its almost like they're watching a tennis match. Switching from me to him, then back to me. "Well, my place is bigger…and I've got Dennis there. I don't want to leave."
Now back to Lindsey. "Fair enough…wait…who's Dennis?" (And *there's* the jealousy.)
"My ghost. He guards the place and protects me and cleans and…"
"I get it." The jealousy's replaced with relief. " Well, I guess I'm moving in with you."
I don't think that Angel's too happy with that decision, but its gotta be better than marriage. "Okay. So, we've progressed a fair bit tonight." I say, trying to wrap everything up before it gets any more out of hand. "I'll take Lindsey home."
I stand up and Lindsey does as well. Angel says I can take his car. He tosses me the keys and we walk out. Lindsey puts his arm around me. It feels natural. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him.
"For what?"
"Rushing everything onto you tonight."
We've reached the car and I hop into the driver's seat. Lindsey gets in the passenger's seat. "If anyone should be sorry it's me." He replies. Before I can object he adds, "But, I'm not. Tonight its like I've become a normal person and I've got the chance to lead an almost normal life." He pauses and thinks for a second before saying " I'm being selfish, though…so I guess I should be sorry for that."
I turn the key in the ignition and smile back at him. "No you don't, because you don't know what you're getting yourself into."
"Try me."
We get to his place about 15 minutes later and I escort him up to his apartment. "Look," I start when we reach his door. He stops to face me. I stop to look up at him and continue. "I'll be blunt. I don't want you to do this if you don't want to. I know Angel's not gonna be easy to put up with for a while and I don't think I will be either. And…"
"Look, I already got a similar talk from all the men in your, uh, *family* and they made very…VERY…clear that if I hurt you or screw this up…" He trails off and looks me in the eye, as if trying to prove his sincerity. "Anyway, I was given this choice before and I made it clear that I chose to stand by you…if you want me. If you don't, then I'll understand. But I promise that I *honestly* want to be this baby's dad. I want to play catch and…and go to school functions and…I just want to be everything my dad wasn't."
"Okay. Just so you got it clear. That's soo sweet by the way. It's hard to believe you ever worked at 'Wolfram & Hart'. But you've made your choice…a commitment now," I look at him and he doesn't flinch when I say the 'c' word, so I keep going. "So you don't get to get out of it now."
"Good." He says and then pulls me into his arms and kisses me.
I find myself not wanting to leave. He opens the door and I follow him in. He closes the door behind me. We kiss again. I'm really enjoying this, but I'm sure Angel wants his car back. "I…I should go." I manage.
"I don't want you to." He looks at me and tries to explain himself. "We…still need to talk."
"Talk, huh?" I look back at him, I know that he doesn't want to talk. Neither do I. In fact, I want to…uh…clear up some unfinished business. (I'm getting the feeling he does too.) You know what? Angel can wait.
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So, I told them all. It wasn't as hard as I'd anticipated. I really have been spending too much time with Wesley, haven't I? Oh well. I bet that's gonna change now. Everything's gonna change.
I watched Angel when I got to the '…And Lindsey and I are gonna see whether *we* work…" part. It was obvious that he didn't see it coming. He went blank almost immediately. I wanted to apologise, but then I thought 'No. I'm not going to apologise for discovering unexpectedly that I love someone. Even if that person is the last person in the world I would have ever thought of this way, which Lindsey kinda is.'
I bet Angel wouldn't apologise if it happened to him. Actually, I don't think he'd even realise that he was in love until it was too late…which is soo typical of him. He always seems to lose out when it comes to love. Poor guy. I hope he finds it soon.
Actually, now that I think about it, the last person I'd ever think of falling for would be Angel. I should tell him someday. Might cheer him up. 'Angel and I' as a couple. That's a funny thought, hey? But then again, so is 'Me and Lindsey'. So unconventional, but it works. I hope.
Well, I've got a good 7 months to decide whether it's the best choice or not. I mean, I want Lindsey to be the active father of my child, but I don't want to screw the kid's life around with an 'on again/off again' relationship between parents. At least not in the first few years. They're the most influential…or something like that.
Lorne's looking at Angel strangely. I think he's reading him, or something to that effect. (There I go sounding like Wes again…) I bet Angel's finding this hard to understand. Maybe he's even angry that I'm dealing with it like this. With Lindsey, I mean. Angel hates the guy and now I'm doing the whole 'happy family' thing with him.
I want to talk to Angel…*really* talk to him…in private. There is so much I need to say. I love him so much and I still feel sooooo guilty for what I did. I wonder if he knows. I'm really gonna need him to trust me again. Hell, I'm just really gonna need him. Lindsey's changed and I know he loves me, but Angel's Angel, y'know.
He's been there for me for the past few years, maybe even when we were in Sunnydale (but he was all wrapped up in Buffy back then) and I've grown to see him as my family. I've lost touch with my real family (we were never that close to begin with)…so my relationship with Angel is special. He's the one person that I can always rely on. Sure, I've got Wes and Gunn…even Fred and Lorne, but Angel's my real family as far as I'm concerned. He'll always be there for me. Well, at least I thought he would. But, I don't know whether he'd want to now that I've gone and done this to him.
Lorne's taken him outside now. I wonder if he's trying to convince him not to hate me. Or if he's telling him that killing Lindsey won't help. Or if he's doing both. They're gone for about 5 minutes, in which nobody moves or speaks.
When they come back in Angel won't look at me. (We're back to this again are we?) There's more silence and then Connor starts screaming. I'm by his side in a second, Angel right on my tail. (I was closer than Angel was, otherwise he sooo would have been here first. He always is.) We both fuss over the baby and debate who gets to hold him. I usually win. Actually, I *always* win. The awkwardness between us eases while we do this today. And Angel gives up, playfully making a point of it.
I take Connor over to the couch where Fred joins me to play with him. He loves the attention. I love it when he giggles. Its soo cute. My maternal instincts have really kicked in with Connor. Fred smiles and says, "You're gonna make a great mother."
"I hope so." I reply. I can feel 5 pairs of eyes watching me. There's Lindsey, probably taking in the scene to get ready for when its us…oh boy, this *is* really serious. I've just realised. I hope he doesn't flip and leave when he works it out. If there's one thing I've learned it's that guys don't like a commitment. (What have I gotten myself into?)
Angel, Gunn, Lorne and Wesley are also watching me. I wonder what they're thinking right now. The look on Gunn's face when I explained everything was almost priceless. And Wes, well…he looked somewhere between happy for me and disgusted with me. (Which I guess is better than just plain disgusted…)
"Lindsey." I hear Angel call. "We need to talk."
I look over to see the guys follow Lindsey into Angel's office and close the door. I have a vague idea of what's going on in there and I don't like it. But then, I guess Lindsey deserves it. I mean, he is kinda responsible for all of this. Plus, it proves that the guys still care about me and they don't hate me after all. Yay! Go me! (Now I'm starting to sound less like Wes and more like myself…)
They emerge a few minutes later, Lindsey looking slightly ruffled. The other guys all look proud of themselves for some reason. I want to laugh. It's the cutest scene. I smile at them all and they walk over to join Fred, Connor and I. It almost feels like nothing's changed. Almost.
"So…" I say cautiously, "Where do we go from here?"
"Well, I say we grill Lindsey with questions about his intentions and whatnot." Wesley responds.
"I'm for that." Angel adds.
"Me too." Gunn says.
"I already know what his intentions are…so I'm in on it for the fun." Lorne informs us.
Fred nods enthusiastically. "I think it's a good idea too."
I can't help laughing. I haven't done it in a long time, and it feels good. "Okay, Let him have it." I look at Lindsey, who is obviously thrown by the new plan. "Well, its only fair."
"For who?" He asks.
"Me…and them. We're a family. You have to understand that. And when we don't trust someone… especially someone new to our family... we grill them with questions. And if they refuse to cooperate, well…Angel gets a little violent and very non trusting. So, when you look at it that way, its fair for me 'cos I'm the one who'll suffer if you don't." I pause to take a breath. "See?"
"Fine. Let me have it."
And that's what we do for the next couple of hours. There's laughs and stuff shared and pretty soon it feels like Lindsey's one of the gang (much to Angel's obvious disappointment). And then Fred asks a very simple, yet very challenging question.
"Are ya gonna marry her?"
And then there's silence. To be honest, I never thought about it. And I don't think Lindsey did either.
"I…I don't know…I mean, I love her, but…I don't know…" He stutters.
I jump in with a rescue plan. "Don't you think he's had enough to deal with in one night without talk of marriage. Don't you think *I've* had enough to deal with in one day without thinking about it? I mean, what if I don't want to marry him. I love him, which is something that's shocked me…but I don't think…I mean, not yet…I mean…" And then I've lost my plan. It's gone. I'm up the creek without a paddle now.
Then my Angel comes to the rescue, sort of. He's not letting either of us off the hook that easily. "Well, if not marriage, what *are* you planning on doing? You've got a baby to think of too."
"To tell the truth, we hadn't really thought that far ahead. It was more like 'Can we discuss this over dinner sometime and work it out then?' " I reply. I look at Lindsey apologetically, 'cos what I'm gonna suggest is probably going throw him. "I was thinking we move in together somewhere down the track. See how that goes."
And now the attention is focussed on Lindsey again. Strangely he doesn't look phased. "So was I. The question is who moves where?"
Everyone looks back at me. Its almost like they're watching a tennis match. Switching from me to him, then back to me. "Well, my place is bigger…and I've got Dennis there. I don't want to leave."
Now back to Lindsey. "Fair enough…wait…who's Dennis?" (And *there's* the jealousy.)
"My ghost. He guards the place and protects me and cleans and…"
"I get it." The jealousy's replaced with relief. " Well, I guess I'm moving in with you."
I don't think that Angel's too happy with that decision, but its gotta be better than marriage. "Okay. So, we've progressed a fair bit tonight." I say, trying to wrap everything up before it gets any more out of hand. "I'll take Lindsey home."
I stand up and Lindsey does as well. Angel says I can take his car. He tosses me the keys and we walk out. Lindsey puts his arm around me. It feels natural. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him.
"For what?"
"Rushing everything onto you tonight."
We've reached the car and I hop into the driver's seat. Lindsey gets in the passenger's seat. "If anyone should be sorry it's me." He replies. Before I can object he adds, "But, I'm not. Tonight its like I've become a normal person and I've got the chance to lead an almost normal life." He pauses and thinks for a second before saying " I'm being selfish, though…so I guess I should be sorry for that."
I turn the key in the ignition and smile back at him. "No you don't, because you don't know what you're getting yourself into."
"Try me."
We get to his place about 15 minutes later and I escort him up to his apartment. "Look," I start when we reach his door. He stops to face me. I stop to look up at him and continue. "I'll be blunt. I don't want you to do this if you don't want to. I know Angel's not gonna be easy to put up with for a while and I don't think I will be either. And…"
"Look, I already got a similar talk from all the men in your, uh, *family* and they made very…VERY…clear that if I hurt you or screw this up…" He trails off and looks me in the eye, as if trying to prove his sincerity. "Anyway, I was given this choice before and I made it clear that I chose to stand by you…if you want me. If you don't, then I'll understand. But I promise that I *honestly* want to be this baby's dad. I want to play catch and…and go to school functions and…I just want to be everything my dad wasn't."
"Okay. Just so you got it clear. That's soo sweet by the way. It's hard to believe you ever worked at 'Wolfram & Hart'. But you've made your choice…a commitment now," I look at him and he doesn't flinch when I say the 'c' word, so I keep going. "So you don't get to get out of it now."
"Good." He says and then pulls me into his arms and kisses me.
I find myself not wanting to leave. He opens the door and I follow him in. He closes the door behind me. We kiss again. I'm really enjoying this, but I'm sure Angel wants his car back. "I…I should go." I manage.
"I don't want you to." He looks at me and tries to explain himself. "We…still need to talk."
"Talk, huh?" I look back at him, I know that he doesn't want to talk. Neither do I. In fact, I want to…uh…clear up some unfinished business. (I'm getting the feeling he does too.) You know what? Angel can wait.