Where am I going with this? Fuck if I know! I just write what my fingers
tell me to, and they've always been rather short on brains. sorry if this
is boring. I really did want to have Tsukushi and Soujiro hook up but,
goddamnit, how out of character can you get? So that's not happening. At
least not yet.
"Wha?" Tsukushi fell down in shock. What did Soujiro just say?. . .He couldn't seriously be asking her this question. could he? Wasn't this the world's most successful playboy? Surely he must have loved at least one of the women he'd known? Right?
Soujiro felt himself begin to flush in a most un-Soujiro like manner. Wincing, he ground the heel of his hand into his forehead. He could see the disbelief shining in Tsukushi's eyes. He wanted to hit rewind on the vcr of his life, pretend he'd not just made an utter fool of himself by asking such a stupid question. Too bad he'd really meant it. And, it was, after all, too late to take it back now..
"I said," Soujiro ground his teeth as he tried to force the words out through his increasingly tense jaw, "What does it feel like to be in love?" He felt old insecurities rising to the surface, and squeezed his eyes shut, as if to hide from the intensity of Tsukushi's gaze. "Don't look at me like that! Is it really so unbelievable that I wouldn't know? What do you know about me anyway!" Soujiro realized that he'd started yelling, and forced himself to calm down. Turning back to the desk, he slumped down with his head resting between his elbows, and began to speak in a low voice.
Tsukushi overcame her shock enough to pick herself off the floor and settle back into her seat next to the boy, And even then, she had to lean in close to actually hear the dark tones of his voice.
"I've never really understood love," Soujiro began, "I always believed that my mother loved my father-but what did she ever get from it but pain? My father cheated on her from before I was even born. I grew up with the memory of her tears falling every night. Is that what love is? Is it a soul- destroying ache that leaves you with nothing but an empty shell of a life? I swore that I would never hurt like that. If that's what love does, I thought it must be an evil thing. I never wanted to feel like that.
"I think I may have loved my eldest brother, for who doesn't love their siblings? But he left before I ever really knew him, and I learned to hate him for his betrayal of the family. Of me... Those you love will turn form you and betray you. It echoed the lesson my father taught us daily as he left us for his mistresses.
"And then, I met Sarah. We were both so young. She was my friend. I told myself I could not love her. Love would hurt too much. Which one of us, it would hurt -- that I did not know. And besides, I'd already learned by then how to seduce women. Do you know how easy it is to capture a woman's eye-to stir up an irresistible lust? A simple smile, a subtle glance, and they belong to you. It's so simple really. I thought I'd found the solution. Who needs love when sex can substitute-they don't call it 'making love' for nothing, right? At night, when you're wrapped in your lover's arms, passionate lips and sparkling eyes can make you forget that you know them not at all, and in the morning. when you wake, and leave, you'll miss them not at all.
"I thought my heart could remain free, unhurt. And that I could do no harm to others that way. I wanted Sarah to be there for me; not to be one of the girls that came and went in my bed with no second thought. But I couldn't face the fact that she might think differently."
Soujiro laughed harshly, "I was so stupid. I thought if I could ignore the problem it would go away. Sarah fell in love with me.. I saw it coming, and I denied it. Was I in love with her? I don't think so. I don't think I was capable of such emotions. She was a friend. A Friend! You don't love your friends, you can't hurt your friends with your love! I was so stupid.
"You know the rest of that story. You've met Sarah. She says she loves me still, years after I threw her off. I care for her, I don't want her hurt. But is that love?
"And now there's Yuki. D you know what your friend wants from me? I don't think I could bear it if she were in love with me. I don't want to be responsible for hurting someone else. For letting them think I'm capable of feeling something I'm not. I don't know what love feels like! Is it more than pain? Is it something worth having?
"All I've ever felt is empty. Alone. Angry. Until Sarah came and helped me forget.. But I hurt her badly. And I was alone again. And then I met Yuki, and she refused to let well enough alone. I care enough about her not to want to break her too-is that love? She makes me want to do nice things for her. But.. I.. I don't miss her when she's gone.. And, somehow.. I still feel alone.
"Tell me Tsukushi! What does it feel like to be in love? Would I know it if it hit me? Is it something to be sought after? Have I been wrong to avoid it for so many years? Am I even capable of love? I don't know.. Do you?"
Even as he the words poured forth, unbidden, from his throat, Soujiro could not quite believe what he was telling Tsukushi. He'd never really opened up to anyone before-not Sarah, not even Yuki, though he'd told her more than anyone else previously. He didn't understand what unstoppable impulse fueled his speech now-only that there was a vast sense of relief replacing the emptiness within him as he drained himself of words.
Soujiro felt tears welling up and spilling forth even as the flood of his speech poured unabated. He could no more stop them, then he could stop his speech. It no longer seemed to matter to whom he was speaking, or even why. All that mattered to him was that, for once in his life, he was trying to make someone understand. And he no longer felt so alone.
Tsukushi had never heard Soujiro utter so many words at once. He'd always kept himself bottled up; hiding the loneliness in his soul behind a suavely ironic exterior. Except for a few brief moments before, where a flash of anger would seep through, or a hint of vulnerability. Why was he letting it all spill over now? And why was he telling her of all people? What had she ever done to earn his trust? She thought she had the answer- She was a safe person to talk to. Somehow, she'd gained his trust, either by dint of being admired by two of his friends, or even by something that had passed between them the other night. Or maybe he was just tired of having to pretend all the time, tired of acting like everything was fine.
None of which, of course, made her position any easier now.
What answer could she give to his question? What reply would not seem inane, or meaningless after his bitter words. and how could she explain feelings which had taken her so long to understand in herself?
It didn't matter. For the sake of the downcast boy sitting slumped over beside her, she had to try.
And if she couldn't answer his questions, perhaps at least she could offer some comfort.
To be continued.
Ai. It's one long monologue almost. Is it too weird? I'm sorry I ignore plot so much. I'm really not much of a plot person. Give me the human condition anyday.. bah. Next time.. Tsukushi answers
"Wha?" Tsukushi fell down in shock. What did Soujiro just say?. . .He couldn't seriously be asking her this question. could he? Wasn't this the world's most successful playboy? Surely he must have loved at least one of the women he'd known? Right?
Soujiro felt himself begin to flush in a most un-Soujiro like manner. Wincing, he ground the heel of his hand into his forehead. He could see the disbelief shining in Tsukushi's eyes. He wanted to hit rewind on the vcr of his life, pretend he'd not just made an utter fool of himself by asking such a stupid question. Too bad he'd really meant it. And, it was, after all, too late to take it back now..
"I said," Soujiro ground his teeth as he tried to force the words out through his increasingly tense jaw, "What does it feel like to be in love?" He felt old insecurities rising to the surface, and squeezed his eyes shut, as if to hide from the intensity of Tsukushi's gaze. "Don't look at me like that! Is it really so unbelievable that I wouldn't know? What do you know about me anyway!" Soujiro realized that he'd started yelling, and forced himself to calm down. Turning back to the desk, he slumped down with his head resting between his elbows, and began to speak in a low voice.
Tsukushi overcame her shock enough to pick herself off the floor and settle back into her seat next to the boy, And even then, she had to lean in close to actually hear the dark tones of his voice.
"I've never really understood love," Soujiro began, "I always believed that my mother loved my father-but what did she ever get from it but pain? My father cheated on her from before I was even born. I grew up with the memory of her tears falling every night. Is that what love is? Is it a soul- destroying ache that leaves you with nothing but an empty shell of a life? I swore that I would never hurt like that. If that's what love does, I thought it must be an evil thing. I never wanted to feel like that.
"I think I may have loved my eldest brother, for who doesn't love their siblings? But he left before I ever really knew him, and I learned to hate him for his betrayal of the family. Of me... Those you love will turn form you and betray you. It echoed the lesson my father taught us daily as he left us for his mistresses.
"And then, I met Sarah. We were both so young. She was my friend. I told myself I could not love her. Love would hurt too much. Which one of us, it would hurt -- that I did not know. And besides, I'd already learned by then how to seduce women. Do you know how easy it is to capture a woman's eye-to stir up an irresistible lust? A simple smile, a subtle glance, and they belong to you. It's so simple really. I thought I'd found the solution. Who needs love when sex can substitute-they don't call it 'making love' for nothing, right? At night, when you're wrapped in your lover's arms, passionate lips and sparkling eyes can make you forget that you know them not at all, and in the morning. when you wake, and leave, you'll miss them not at all.
"I thought my heart could remain free, unhurt. And that I could do no harm to others that way. I wanted Sarah to be there for me; not to be one of the girls that came and went in my bed with no second thought. But I couldn't face the fact that she might think differently."
Soujiro laughed harshly, "I was so stupid. I thought if I could ignore the problem it would go away. Sarah fell in love with me.. I saw it coming, and I denied it. Was I in love with her? I don't think so. I don't think I was capable of such emotions. She was a friend. A Friend! You don't love your friends, you can't hurt your friends with your love! I was so stupid.
"You know the rest of that story. You've met Sarah. She says she loves me still, years after I threw her off. I care for her, I don't want her hurt. But is that love?
"And now there's Yuki. D you know what your friend wants from me? I don't think I could bear it if she were in love with me. I don't want to be responsible for hurting someone else. For letting them think I'm capable of feeling something I'm not. I don't know what love feels like! Is it more than pain? Is it something worth having?
"All I've ever felt is empty. Alone. Angry. Until Sarah came and helped me forget.. But I hurt her badly. And I was alone again. And then I met Yuki, and she refused to let well enough alone. I care enough about her not to want to break her too-is that love? She makes me want to do nice things for her. But.. I.. I don't miss her when she's gone.. And, somehow.. I still feel alone.
"Tell me Tsukushi! What does it feel like to be in love? Would I know it if it hit me? Is it something to be sought after? Have I been wrong to avoid it for so many years? Am I even capable of love? I don't know.. Do you?"
Even as he the words poured forth, unbidden, from his throat, Soujiro could not quite believe what he was telling Tsukushi. He'd never really opened up to anyone before-not Sarah, not even Yuki, though he'd told her more than anyone else previously. He didn't understand what unstoppable impulse fueled his speech now-only that there was a vast sense of relief replacing the emptiness within him as he drained himself of words.
Soujiro felt tears welling up and spilling forth even as the flood of his speech poured unabated. He could no more stop them, then he could stop his speech. It no longer seemed to matter to whom he was speaking, or even why. All that mattered to him was that, for once in his life, he was trying to make someone understand. And he no longer felt so alone.
Tsukushi had never heard Soujiro utter so many words at once. He'd always kept himself bottled up; hiding the loneliness in his soul behind a suavely ironic exterior. Except for a few brief moments before, where a flash of anger would seep through, or a hint of vulnerability. Why was he letting it all spill over now? And why was he telling her of all people? What had she ever done to earn his trust? She thought she had the answer- She was a safe person to talk to. Somehow, she'd gained his trust, either by dint of being admired by two of his friends, or even by something that had passed between them the other night. Or maybe he was just tired of having to pretend all the time, tired of acting like everything was fine.
None of which, of course, made her position any easier now.
What answer could she give to his question? What reply would not seem inane, or meaningless after his bitter words. and how could she explain feelings which had taken her so long to understand in herself?
It didn't matter. For the sake of the downcast boy sitting slumped over beside her, she had to try.
And if she couldn't answer his questions, perhaps at least she could offer some comfort.
To be continued.
Ai. It's one long monologue almost. Is it too weird? I'm sorry I ignore plot so much. I'm really not much of a plot person. Give me the human condition anyday.. bah. Next time.. Tsukushi answers