Hesitantly, Tsukushi placed her hand on Soujiro's slumped shoulder. She
hated seeing anyone in pain. She had always been the one people came to
when they were hurt or had a problem. So, she supposed that she shouldn't
be quite as shocked as she now felt at Soujiro's confession. It was just
that. It all seemed so unreal. Sure, she knew there had to be demons
lurking behind his confident exterior... but she'd never thought of herself
as being the one he'd turn to. Still, no mattered how surprised she now
felt, it didn't matter. The fact was that the boy Had come to her, and she
had to answer.
Tsukushi racked her brains for adequate words, but came up short. What was love after all? You'd think it was such a simple question-after all, people had been falling in love for thousands of years. How could it be that so many still grappled with its definitions and implications? Tsukushi couldn't answer that one; she'd wrestled with it often enough already as she fought her indecisiveness over whether it was Tsukasa or Rui whom she loved.
And still she had not answered Soujiro.
It didn't seem to matter though. For he was still slumped over next to her, lost in his own inner visions. It was doubtful he'd be able to hear her even if she did speak.
Suddenly Tsukushi was seized by the desire to tell him what she really thought of love; how it was a indeed a cruel, cruel thing that had the capability to destroy her world. How Tsukasa's love for her had brought her torment after torment; how love inspired other's hatred, and insured that each day in school became a living hell. How her love (or crush if you will) for Rui had caused Tsukasa so much pain-and the retaliation-but Soujiro knew about that all already. Or how much it had hurt her that she could not return Kin-san's love. Or how terrible it had felt when Tsukasa had lost his memory and no longer returned her own love. Or even, how just last week, when she and Tsukasa had fought, how love's claws had seemed to shred her soul. And she didn't even want to think right now about the confusion and upset in her life that was currently being inflicted by Rui's love for her. Yes, Love could be a cruel bitch. And oh, yes, Soujiro was right. It did hurt. It hurt so much sometimes she thought she might curl up and die.
But that was not really what she thought Soujiro needed to hear. Not when he looked so fragile and so unsure of himself.
So instead Tsukushi leaned in closer as if her presence could warm Soujiro's frozen heart, and murmured to him of the flip side of love's coin; The way the world seemed more alive when you were in love. How every moment spent in the company of the one you loved could seem like a heavenly eternity. How the sight of their smiling face turning towards you was an ecstasy comparable only to the feel of their lips on yours.
Still, even as Tsukushi poured forth her calming stream of words, she was inwardly cringing. None of this really answered Soujiro's question. It didn't even begin to touch the surface of what was bothering him. In fact, it felt more like he'd stirred up doubts deep with herself, and now by reciting shining platitudes at him, she was trying to reassure herself that all she'd been through really was worth it.
Especially now. Tsukushi found herself once more returning to the subject that had been irritating her all week. Tsukasa couldn't ever seem to stop acting like an impulsive, impatient, idiot. She loved him, but always she was angry with him. Perhaps Soujiro was right. What good is it to love someone who is eternally upsetting you? Someone who by their unthinking carelessness can wound so deeply-just as Tsukasa had done last week. Sure, he tried to make amends for his harsh words, and knowing that he didn't mean his insults helped, but still. Was love really worth it in the end? And what about Rui? He'd been pursuing her with more insistence now, as if sensing a chink in her armor; a flaw in her love for Tsukasa.
But really, Tsukushi wanted to scream, sometimes. I'm just so fed up with the whole damned thing. I'd really like a moment's peace; a normal relationship, without al the volatility and unpredictability of life with Tsukasa or the inscrutable force that is Rui.
While these conflicting emotions tore at Tsukushi's mind, her speech ground to a halt.
"Feh." She muttered, moving back from Soujiro slightly, "I hope you didn't listen to any of what I just said. Right now, I'm really not the best person to be asking about that. . I doubt I ever really was.
"I don't know what to tell you about your family life. I wish I could tell you it will get better. But you and I both know that's probably not true. All families have their problems, and it sounds like yours is worse than most. But really, If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that running away and hiding from your feelings solves nothing. If your family hurts you, you need to face that. Face them. But even if you can't do that, walling off your heart saves nothing. In the end, I think, running away hurts more than anything else possibly could."
Tsukushi looked down at her hands, "I should know. I ran away from Tsukasa often enough. Back then, though, I was lucky that he always chased me down, and brought me back. But Soujiro, who will chase your heart down where you've hidden it away? Who even knows to look?"
Soujiro finally turned his face up to look at Tsukushi.
"You do. Now."
His eyes pled with her, as if to say, "I told you; it took all my strength to say-do you really think I can sum up the courage to tell another?"
Tsukushi wanted to sigh. She really was hoping that Yuki's name would spring to his lips. After all, shouldn't he realize that the only ones likely to succeed at dragging his heart out of the icy pit it was frozen into would be the people who loved him best; which certainly implied Yuki, in Tsukushi's opinion.
Soujiro did not share that belief, however. Sure, he liked Yuki-as a friend. As he'd told Tsukushi, Yuki was fun to do stuff with, and he liked doing nice things for her, but she didn't really make him feel less lonely,. He didn't feel the inexplicable urge to open up to her-not like he had to Tsukushi. Sure, he'd told Yuki about Sarah before, but only because she'd forced him to, in his attempt to make her understand why he couldn't love her. She hadn't really understood, he knew, But that was because he'd not spoken to her about his fractured family, the true cause of the numbness in his soul.
However, it seemed everyone opened up to Tsukushi. Everyone with any decency trusted her, liked her, relied on her to help them when they were down. And Soujiro had found himself following in their footsteps. He didn't think he could explain it if he tried. Even though he felt stupid, and angry at himself for showing weakness, it still felt right.
Being around Tsukushi felt Right.
The thought hit Soujiro's already weakened brain like a sledgehammer.
"I did Not just think That." Soujiro shook his head in denial. He refused to believe he could ever think such a thing. Even if She weren't Tsukasa's girlfriend, or Rui's (whichever she currently was), Tsukushi was poor, violent, plain. and caring, dependable, strong." Soujiro's thoughts trailed off as he realized that Tsukushi was staring at him.
"What didn't you just think?" She inquired, peering at his bemused expression.
"Oh shit, did I say that aloud?" Soujiro flushed pink. Right now, he really wanted to change the subject before he lost his mind on any more deviant tangents. "Gah, forget it. please?"
Tsukushi nodded mutely. Somewhere, somehow, she seemed to once again have lost the thread of what was happening around her. Still, she heard the appeal in Soujiro's voice, and did not look away, as the boy blinked once, twice, again-as he forced his mind to blank out.
Tsukushi watched in fascination as Soujiro applied years of discipline to rein in his troubled emotions. First, his strained features relaxed, softening the angularity of his cheekbones, then his mouth eased out of the tight line it had been drawn into; reforming into its normally ironic arch. Lastly, Tsukushi could almost see the hurt and pain in his eyes being sucked back into the depths of his skull, until the composed features of the handsome playboy had been completely resurrected from the shattered features of the sad teen who'd sat before her moments before.
"Whoa..." breathed Tsukushi, "Don't do that... It's scary!"
Soujiro barked an ugly laugh, more suitable to the face he'd just hidden. "This is who I am, Tsukushi. Just ask anyone." He was desperately trying to retreat from the images of Tsukushi that had just passed through his mind. And the only way he knew how to do that, was to retreat entirely into his adopted persona..
"You're hiding again! Stop it!" Tsukushi glared angrily. Not only was he ignoring the advice she'd just given him.. but the glint in his eyes right now was really unnerving. She had no idea what he was thinking, but whatever it was, couldn't be good, if it had made him feel vulnerable enough to need to hide behind his mask now, after all he'd just revealed.
Tsukushi stood up and backed away from Soujiro. If he was going back into playboy mode, then she didn't want to be sitting so near him anymore.
Soujiro seemed to realize what thoughts were winding through Tsukushi's brain, and once more his features softened, as he stood to confront her. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her back, "but it's true. This Is what I am. I don't know any other way to be." For reasons he didn't fully understand, or wouldn't admit to himself, he felt the need to have Tsukushi's understanding and support, even if he couldn't have her approval.
He sounded so lost again-- so forlorn-- that Tsukushi could not help herself. It must have been the overwhelming maternal instincts in her; the same empathy that made her want to comfort every unhappy soul that crossed her path. Whatever you want to call it, she did the only thing one can do when you've run out of comforting words; she went back to the boy and hugged him.
Soujiro responded by giving in to the impulse eating at him. He clutched the small girl tightly, and sobbed into her hair.
Tsukushi was reminded of how, once, Rui had clung to her in very similar fashion, and she gave an undetectable shiver; This could never turn out like that had. Never!
To be continued.
la la la. Should Tsukushi fall for Soujiro? What a terrible idea? ! Wondering where the hell are Rui/Tsukasa right now? Feel free to harass me at curdled_milk@attbi.com and if you ask real nice I'll even give you my icq/ aim id and you can pester me in person. Won't that be fun? Yeah, I'm just bored and attention-starved. This is a pathetic plea for help. Or something
Tsukushi racked her brains for adequate words, but came up short. What was love after all? You'd think it was such a simple question-after all, people had been falling in love for thousands of years. How could it be that so many still grappled with its definitions and implications? Tsukushi couldn't answer that one; she'd wrestled with it often enough already as she fought her indecisiveness over whether it was Tsukasa or Rui whom she loved.
And still she had not answered Soujiro.
It didn't seem to matter though. For he was still slumped over next to her, lost in his own inner visions. It was doubtful he'd be able to hear her even if she did speak.
Suddenly Tsukushi was seized by the desire to tell him what she really thought of love; how it was a indeed a cruel, cruel thing that had the capability to destroy her world. How Tsukasa's love for her had brought her torment after torment; how love inspired other's hatred, and insured that each day in school became a living hell. How her love (or crush if you will) for Rui had caused Tsukasa so much pain-and the retaliation-but Soujiro knew about that all already. Or how much it had hurt her that she could not return Kin-san's love. Or how terrible it had felt when Tsukasa had lost his memory and no longer returned her own love. Or even, how just last week, when she and Tsukasa had fought, how love's claws had seemed to shred her soul. And she didn't even want to think right now about the confusion and upset in her life that was currently being inflicted by Rui's love for her. Yes, Love could be a cruel bitch. And oh, yes, Soujiro was right. It did hurt. It hurt so much sometimes she thought she might curl up and die.
But that was not really what she thought Soujiro needed to hear. Not when he looked so fragile and so unsure of himself.
So instead Tsukushi leaned in closer as if her presence could warm Soujiro's frozen heart, and murmured to him of the flip side of love's coin; The way the world seemed more alive when you were in love. How every moment spent in the company of the one you loved could seem like a heavenly eternity. How the sight of their smiling face turning towards you was an ecstasy comparable only to the feel of their lips on yours.
Still, even as Tsukushi poured forth her calming stream of words, she was inwardly cringing. None of this really answered Soujiro's question. It didn't even begin to touch the surface of what was bothering him. In fact, it felt more like he'd stirred up doubts deep with herself, and now by reciting shining platitudes at him, she was trying to reassure herself that all she'd been through really was worth it.
Especially now. Tsukushi found herself once more returning to the subject that had been irritating her all week. Tsukasa couldn't ever seem to stop acting like an impulsive, impatient, idiot. She loved him, but always she was angry with him. Perhaps Soujiro was right. What good is it to love someone who is eternally upsetting you? Someone who by their unthinking carelessness can wound so deeply-just as Tsukasa had done last week. Sure, he tried to make amends for his harsh words, and knowing that he didn't mean his insults helped, but still. Was love really worth it in the end? And what about Rui? He'd been pursuing her with more insistence now, as if sensing a chink in her armor; a flaw in her love for Tsukasa.
But really, Tsukushi wanted to scream, sometimes. I'm just so fed up with the whole damned thing. I'd really like a moment's peace; a normal relationship, without al the volatility and unpredictability of life with Tsukasa or the inscrutable force that is Rui.
While these conflicting emotions tore at Tsukushi's mind, her speech ground to a halt.
"Feh." She muttered, moving back from Soujiro slightly, "I hope you didn't listen to any of what I just said. Right now, I'm really not the best person to be asking about that. . I doubt I ever really was.
"I don't know what to tell you about your family life. I wish I could tell you it will get better. But you and I both know that's probably not true. All families have their problems, and it sounds like yours is worse than most. But really, If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that running away and hiding from your feelings solves nothing. If your family hurts you, you need to face that. Face them. But even if you can't do that, walling off your heart saves nothing. In the end, I think, running away hurts more than anything else possibly could."
Tsukushi looked down at her hands, "I should know. I ran away from Tsukasa often enough. Back then, though, I was lucky that he always chased me down, and brought me back. But Soujiro, who will chase your heart down where you've hidden it away? Who even knows to look?"
Soujiro finally turned his face up to look at Tsukushi.
"You do. Now."
His eyes pled with her, as if to say, "I told you; it took all my strength to say-do you really think I can sum up the courage to tell another?"
Tsukushi wanted to sigh. She really was hoping that Yuki's name would spring to his lips. After all, shouldn't he realize that the only ones likely to succeed at dragging his heart out of the icy pit it was frozen into would be the people who loved him best; which certainly implied Yuki, in Tsukushi's opinion.
Soujiro did not share that belief, however. Sure, he liked Yuki-as a friend. As he'd told Tsukushi, Yuki was fun to do stuff with, and he liked doing nice things for her, but she didn't really make him feel less lonely,. He didn't feel the inexplicable urge to open up to her-not like he had to Tsukushi. Sure, he'd told Yuki about Sarah before, but only because she'd forced him to, in his attempt to make her understand why he couldn't love her. She hadn't really understood, he knew, But that was because he'd not spoken to her about his fractured family, the true cause of the numbness in his soul.
However, it seemed everyone opened up to Tsukushi. Everyone with any decency trusted her, liked her, relied on her to help them when they were down. And Soujiro had found himself following in their footsteps. He didn't think he could explain it if he tried. Even though he felt stupid, and angry at himself for showing weakness, it still felt right.
Being around Tsukushi felt Right.
The thought hit Soujiro's already weakened brain like a sledgehammer.
"I did Not just think That." Soujiro shook his head in denial. He refused to believe he could ever think such a thing. Even if She weren't Tsukasa's girlfriend, or Rui's (whichever she currently was), Tsukushi was poor, violent, plain. and caring, dependable, strong." Soujiro's thoughts trailed off as he realized that Tsukushi was staring at him.
"What didn't you just think?" She inquired, peering at his bemused expression.
"Oh shit, did I say that aloud?" Soujiro flushed pink. Right now, he really wanted to change the subject before he lost his mind on any more deviant tangents. "Gah, forget it. please?"
Tsukushi nodded mutely. Somewhere, somehow, she seemed to once again have lost the thread of what was happening around her. Still, she heard the appeal in Soujiro's voice, and did not look away, as the boy blinked once, twice, again-as he forced his mind to blank out.
Tsukushi watched in fascination as Soujiro applied years of discipline to rein in his troubled emotions. First, his strained features relaxed, softening the angularity of his cheekbones, then his mouth eased out of the tight line it had been drawn into; reforming into its normally ironic arch. Lastly, Tsukushi could almost see the hurt and pain in his eyes being sucked back into the depths of his skull, until the composed features of the handsome playboy had been completely resurrected from the shattered features of the sad teen who'd sat before her moments before.
"Whoa..." breathed Tsukushi, "Don't do that... It's scary!"
Soujiro barked an ugly laugh, more suitable to the face he'd just hidden. "This is who I am, Tsukushi. Just ask anyone." He was desperately trying to retreat from the images of Tsukushi that had just passed through his mind. And the only way he knew how to do that, was to retreat entirely into his adopted persona..
"You're hiding again! Stop it!" Tsukushi glared angrily. Not only was he ignoring the advice she'd just given him.. but the glint in his eyes right now was really unnerving. She had no idea what he was thinking, but whatever it was, couldn't be good, if it had made him feel vulnerable enough to need to hide behind his mask now, after all he'd just revealed.
Tsukushi stood up and backed away from Soujiro. If he was going back into playboy mode, then she didn't want to be sitting so near him anymore.
Soujiro seemed to realize what thoughts were winding through Tsukushi's brain, and once more his features softened, as he stood to confront her. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her back, "but it's true. This Is what I am. I don't know any other way to be." For reasons he didn't fully understand, or wouldn't admit to himself, he felt the need to have Tsukushi's understanding and support, even if he couldn't have her approval.
He sounded so lost again-- so forlorn-- that Tsukushi could not help herself. It must have been the overwhelming maternal instincts in her; the same empathy that made her want to comfort every unhappy soul that crossed her path. Whatever you want to call it, she did the only thing one can do when you've run out of comforting words; she went back to the boy and hugged him.
Soujiro responded by giving in to the impulse eating at him. He clutched the small girl tightly, and sobbed into her hair.
Tsukushi was reminded of how, once, Rui had clung to her in very similar fashion, and she gave an undetectable shiver; This could never turn out like that had. Never!
To be continued.
la la la. Should Tsukushi fall for Soujiro? What a terrible idea? ! Wondering where the hell are Rui/Tsukasa right now? Feel free to harass me at curdled_milk@attbi.com and if you ask real nice I'll even give you my icq/ aim id and you can pester me in person. Won't that be fun? Yeah, I'm just bored and attention-starved. This is a pathetic plea for help. Or something