A/N- okay…so maybe I got carried away in the last chapter…but I got my
point across, right? Hang on…I *did* warn you that it was seriously AU,
didn't I? Please stick with me here…I know the coupling isn't what u all
want…and the characterization in the last chapter left a bit (okay, okay…A
*lot*) to be desired, but the story itself isn't *that* bad is it?
Well…this 1's Angel POV…so, what am I gonna do? Read and find out. Also, I
*really* need the feedback. I'm having review withdrawal symptoms…^_^
PS- "*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*" Is just to show a past event…like when Angel's remembering…say…his conversation with Cordy. It has already happened, you're just seeing it the way he did.
PPS- "*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*" is still used when a scene in the present is changed…or we've gone ahead in time a bit…you guys know what I mean.
********************************
And then there was brooding. Ranting and raving on the inside, while on the outside looking…well… broody.
I just *had* to go and tell Cordy everything. I just *had* to tell her I loved her when I subconsciously *knew* she'd turn me down. I just *had* to go screw our friendship up completely. And then, to make matters worse, I just *had* to go and *kiss* her.
Why couldn't I have just let it be? Why couldn't I have done what I do all the other times and keep my feelings to myself? Why couldn't I have just waited for things between her and Lindsey to cool off?
I'll tell you why. Because I'm a sucker for punishment, that's *why*. Its almost as if I thrive on having my lifeless heart broken into a million pieces. But…Newsflash! I *don't*! But those damn feelings for Cordy just wouldn't go away…so I told her. Got it off my chest like she keeps insisting I should each time I brood.
So, I *tried* to share my feelings with her instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Did it help, like she told me it would? No. In fact, it made everything seem a billion times worse. What the hell have I done? The scene keeps replaying in my head, getting worse each time over.
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
"We need to talk." I tell her, gluing my eyes to hers.
"Okay…" She responds slowly, getting up from her seat. We walk into my office. She leans on the corner of my desk. "Shoot."
I close the door behind me, turn to face her and start to pace nervously. I *never* pace. See what she's got me resorting to? "Cordy…I…I think…You're with Lindsey and I know that you've got a lot of stuff going on at the moment but…I…" I take a breath that I know I don't need. "I love you." I spit it out quickly and quietly. Maybe she didn't hear me. Maybe all I needed to do is get it out in the open, regardless of whether she heard me or not.
"I love you too Angel." She replies. "And, your point is…?"
I shake my head sadly. "No Cordy…I'm *in* love with you."
She looks at me blankly. "Angel…all joking aside-"
"*Not* joking, Cordelia. I have been in love with you for soo long, but… by the time that I realised it…you were planning a long and happy life with Lindsey. God, if I hadn't given you that night off…Somewhere deep down inside I know that you're really happy with him. I do. But I can't help wanting you to be with *me*. He was *evil*, Cordy. And he *had* a soul at the time. Sure, he can offer you a lot of the things I can't but-"
"Angel…" She says, cutting me short. I don't know how to read her tone at the moment. She's somewhere between shocked, slightly sad, sympathetic, disgusted and angry. "…You're my family. I love you as my brother-"
I know this spiel. I'm 247 years old. I'm not some idiotic 12-year-old prepubescent child… "Cordelia. Save it. I know where this is going."
She snaps at me. "What the *hell* do you expect? I'm finally getting a chance to have the life I've always dreamed of…okay, so in my dreams I never got painful visions and I didn't work for a vampire with a soul, fighting demons… but I'm with a human man that I love and that loves me back. One that can commit himself to me *both* emotionally *and* physically…" Ouch. I didn't deserve that. "…One that I'm having a baby with. And you just drop the fact that you finally came around and fell in love with me in my lap? I'm sorry Angel but you and I…we're family. Nothing more and nothing less."
"I know…" I whisper. A single tear rolls down my cheek "I…I just had to tell you. If I left it…I had to take a chance…" I advance on her and gently cup her head in my hands. I take my lips to hers and kiss her softly. I'm letting go of her and she knows it. She knows that I'm saying goodbye. She knows that I'm giving her away to my enemy. She knows that this is a kiss to tell her I'm always going to love her one way or another, but I know we'll never be together. And she knows that I accept that.
I pull out of the kiss just as softly and slowly as I drifted into it, taking my hands from her face. Silent tears slide down her beautiful face as she looks into my eyes. "You shouldn't have done that…" I nod and pull away from her completely, making my way back towards the door. "…But I'm glad you did."
With my back to her, I smile sadly. "Cordelia…are we okay…as friends…and as family?"
I hear her sigh lightly. "We've got a few things to work on…But we'll be okay…"
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
We'll *be* okay. Which means we're not at the moment. And it's my fault. If I had just kept it all to myself everything would be normal.
"You know it wouldn't." A familiar voice startles me.
"Lorne…Haven't I told you to stay *out* of my thoughts when I'm brooding." I growl, slightly embarrassed at being caught off guard like that.
He places his hand on my shoulder supportively. "Angelpie…I *had* to. You weren't exactly going to *tell* me what happened in there before, so I decided to find out for myself. Useful little talent I have isn't it?"
"There are some inner ramblings which are supposed to stay private. *That* was one of them."
"Sweetcheeks," There we go again with the nicknames. "I'm a soul/mind reader. The words 'private' and 'thoughts' barely come into contact with each other when I'm around. Now…you gonna let me give you some advice or not?" He takes one look at the expression on my face and smiles. "Don't answer that 'cos I'll give it anyway." Oh brother…here we go… "You *know* you did the right thing. And I'm almost certain that you know that the current status of your relationship with Cordelia has almost nothing to do with how you handled that situation."
"But-"
He holds up his hand. "Let me finish. Now, as I was saying, your relationship with Cordy was deteriorating long before you made your little outburst. From the second she told you she was having the lawyer's baby you've been drifting apart. Its not your fault…and its not hers either. Life is taking you in different directions, without moving you anywhere. Get what I'm saying?"
"Kinda…but I-"
"Hey…still not finished here…"
Long-winded demon.
"I read that." He protests.
I can't help smirking. "Sorry."
"Where was I? That's right…You were taking separate paths without walking away from each other. Emotionally you started to lose that bond between you. It only got worse as Lawyer boy got closer and you fell even deeper in love with her. That last conversation you guys had alone was a turn around point…*Not* a descent into an even harder relationship. You learnt to let go and finally accept the fact that she's with another man. And you were both *completely* honest with each other. You actually *spoke* about everything eating you up inside and started picking up the pieces…You reconnected with her again…and, now that the hard part is almost over, you'll find that your friendship and family-like relationships will be strengthened. I know it hurts, Angelcakes, but sometimes there is no gain without the pain….See?"
I nod. He actually made sense. And, if what he's saying is true…which it usually is, things will soon get better. Oh God, I hope that things start improving soon. "Thanks…" I manage to tell him, before Buffy walks over to us. I almost smile when I remember a time when I thought that she was my soulmate. That was a pipedream. Don't get me wrong, I loved her with all my heart and soul…and I still love her dearly…I always will, but soulmates we weren't.
"Hey." She says cautiously.
"Hey." I respond.
Lorne excuses himself, saying that he still needs to get all his stuff ready before we get started. Buffy smiles as she watches him go. "Your friends are…interesting. And they're all so nice." She tells me.
"Thanks. I really wish I could say the same about yours…but you've got Xander and Spike…" I answer, the ghost of a smile on my lips as I do. "Its great to see everyone getting along so well, though. Wes and Fred really seemed to hit it off with Will and Tara. Lorne's liking Xander's fiancé and Gunn looks like he's having fun with Xander and Spike…" At that I shake my head, as if to say 'I have no idea *why*'.
She laughs. "Gunn's a real character. He's so sweet…very funny too…And he likes his weapons and his fighting…He kept asking me to retell all my 'Slayer Stories'…he particularly liked the one about the rocket launcher…"
Yeah…didn't happen to tell him that Angelus was with the receiving end on that one, did you? Not that I blame you. "That's our Gunn."
"And Cordy's lawyer is a nice guy too…I almost can't believe that he was as bad as you all say he was."
Before I can stop myself, I've already snapped, "He was."
"He knows it Angel." She says softly. "I got to have a real heart-to-heart with him before…and he's a nice guy. He knows he's done wrong in the past but-"
"Cordelia has already been through this with me." I cut her off, dropping into the couch in the lobby, *away* from the sunlight. "I've spoken to him myself and I know that his intentions are all good here…but I still don't like him. Kinda the same way Xander feels about me…"
She sits down next to me. "But when Xander developed that theory against you he had the hots for me…and then it was because we had grown really close as friends…almost family."
"What do you think Cordy is for me?" I shoot back. Great one Angel. That was really smooth. How many friendships can you attempt to ruin in one day? Softening my tone I start to explain. "What I mean is…she's my family here in LA. She's almost everything I have. She's Connor's mother figure…And Lindsey's…well…he's not the person I'd like to see her end up with. Just as, for one reason or another, Xander didn't want you with me." She opens her mouth to protest, but I continue. This is probably the most I've ever spoken to Buffy face to face for a long, long time. I'm having a sharing day today, I guess. "Tell me, when you were with Far…I mean, *Riley*…did Xander hate him?"
"No…but that's because Riley…he was…" She trails off. "Oh…I can see where you're coming from."
I nod. I don't think I need to talk anymore. After a while, she whispers my name. I turn to look at her, arching my eyebrows. "Hmm?"
Her green eyes are glued to the floor. She shuffles her feet nervously. Shakily, she asks. "You and I… we're over, right?"
I'm taken by surprise on that one. "Uh…yeah…"
"Good. I mean… We're both moving on…aren't we?" She looks into my eyes.
I can't read her expression, but her voice is filled with hope and anxiety. "I…Well…Yeah." I answer. "Not that I've found anyone in my unlife…not that I can be with anyhow…but we're going in two different directions now. I mean, I have AI and the gang here… and a son. I'm pretty sure that I've moved on in some way…" I stop for a second and enquire, "Why do you ask?"
She expels the breath that she had been holding. "I…I've found someone. Someone that you *won't* approve of, but he loves me and he's been there for me. He looked after Dawn while I was dea…*away* and he was there to help me when I came back. Not in a real conventional sense…but he knew what I wanted and what I needed and he gave it to me." She pauses, debating whether she should divulge any more information with me or not. After a little while, she decides to tell me the rest, although, diverting her gaze. Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what she has to say? "He knows that I'm the slayer and that our relationship is going to be rocky at the best of times…and that it probably won't work, but he wanted to give it a shot. I was so confused. You're the first person I've told any of this to. The other Scoobies don't even have a clue what's going on. Dawn picked up on it, though…But I got so confused. I didn't love him…but he loved me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him or use him and he said that he didn't care 'cos any time spent with me is better than none. And, no. It wasn't as corny as it sounded. So, after a long talk with him, I decided that I'd give it a chance. I'm even starting to feel things for him. More than lust or like…And that scares me. I almost always get hurt in love…But, somehow…deep down inside…I know that Spike is diff-"
She doesn't get to finish 'cos I'm already in motion. I jump up and glare down at her. "Spike?" I ask, somewhere between betrayed and confused. "Spike? As in 'William the Bloody' Spike? As in my grandchilde Spike? As in vampire without a soul Spike?" She nods and I flop back down into the seat beside her again, completely drained of any emotion. I can't be angry with her. Love comes to anyone at anytime and you can't help who you fall for. "Wow…Spike…Well…It *is* a step *up* from Finn." I smile weakly.
She hugs me, wrapping her arms around my neck and heaving sobs of relief. This is new. She slowly pulls herself off me, grinning sheepishly and wiping the tears from her face. "Sorry…but I'm soo glad you're not hurt…I mean…I thought you might feel betrayed or something. But you weren't…aren't…whatever. You actually cracked a joke. Oh, Angel…That means soo much to me…you have no idea."
"Look at it this way, Buff. I'll always love you…but…we've both moved on. I'd like to think that we're still friends…and, from what I've been told time and time again, friends support each other. Plus, if you were able to deal with me having a son…then I should *definitely* support this Spike thing. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I say." She smiles and I almost find myself telling her that I fell for Cordelia. Luckily, I stop myself. She's got enough to deal with at the moment. Instead I say, "You said that the other Scoobies don't know about you and Spike."
"I…I thought I had to talk to you first. I mean, I felt like I almost owed you-"
"You didn't owe me anything."
"But, if anyone was going to take it really…I don't want to say 'badly'…uh, *hard*, it was gonna be you. The others can deal…but, I don't know…I guess, *you* were the person that I felt I needed to talk to about it." She confesses.
I find myself smiling at her again. She starting to seem so much more at ease, almost the same old Buffy that I once knew in Sunnydale, back when her biggest worry was what to wear to The Bronze. At least she's had the chance to get one small part of her life sorted out now, and it's made so much difference. In these past 15 minutes or so, I've watched as a chunk of her burdens have been lifted. I'm glad I could help someone today, even if it *wasn't* myself.
"There you are, Slayer." Spike says, walking back into the lobby. "Been lookin' everywhere for you." He glances at me and then adds, "For, uh, Slayer type stuff."
"Spike," Buffy begins, "Angel knows about us."
A huge grin spreads across his face and settles there. "Well that's a relief. Then no more tip-toein' 'round-"
"Well…not around Angel, anyway."
"What? You mean, you told Peaches but not your best friends?" He asks her in disbelief, the grin slowly disappearing.
"Uh…okay, well…I'm gonna go check on Connor. I think it's about time for his bottle anyway." I cut in. I've had enough relationship talk for one day. I get up and make my way to the landing and head towards the nursery.
So…Buffy's with Spike and Cordy's with Lindsey. The two women that I have ever really loved are both with two men that I have really hated. That seems so…wrong. But it's happening. As long as Spike and Lindsey don't hurt them, I guess I'm content seeing them happy with someone else.
Okay, so maybe I'm not content. And maybe I'm not happy. But, I can cope. Maybe even get on with my unlife.
Which reminds me (don't ask how)…I have to plan a trip to The Oracles. Cordy has to come as well. She's got to ask about the visions and I've got to ask about what's going to happen with the whole' lack of a seer' situation I'm gonna be left with. This just keeps getting more and more complicated…
*********************************
A/N- Reviews please. I know…I can't write Buffy too well…hence the fact she's only in a couple of scenes…and her own pov….Argh! That's the next chapter! I gotta get my act together. Well…your thoughts are gladly appreciated right about now. Oh…yeah. I worked out who the anonymous "cryptic" review was from…Lol. There's a silly little personal joke/story in it I shoulda gotten ages ago. Lol. And to everyone else that has reviewed I *LOVE* you guys. (Yes, even those of you who told me I was wrong, or sent in constructive criticism… ^_^ ) Keep it up. PLEASE!!!!
PS- "*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*" Is just to show a past event…like when Angel's remembering…say…his conversation with Cordy. It has already happened, you're just seeing it the way he did.
PPS- "*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*" is still used when a scene in the present is changed…or we've gone ahead in time a bit…you guys know what I mean.
********************************
And then there was brooding. Ranting and raving on the inside, while on the outside looking…well… broody.
I just *had* to go and tell Cordy everything. I just *had* to tell her I loved her when I subconsciously *knew* she'd turn me down. I just *had* to go screw our friendship up completely. And then, to make matters worse, I just *had* to go and *kiss* her.
Why couldn't I have just let it be? Why couldn't I have done what I do all the other times and keep my feelings to myself? Why couldn't I have just waited for things between her and Lindsey to cool off?
I'll tell you why. Because I'm a sucker for punishment, that's *why*. Its almost as if I thrive on having my lifeless heart broken into a million pieces. But…Newsflash! I *don't*! But those damn feelings for Cordy just wouldn't go away…so I told her. Got it off my chest like she keeps insisting I should each time I brood.
So, I *tried* to share my feelings with her instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Did it help, like she told me it would? No. In fact, it made everything seem a billion times worse. What the hell have I done? The scene keeps replaying in my head, getting worse each time over.
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
"We need to talk." I tell her, gluing my eyes to hers.
"Okay…" She responds slowly, getting up from her seat. We walk into my office. She leans on the corner of my desk. "Shoot."
I close the door behind me, turn to face her and start to pace nervously. I *never* pace. See what she's got me resorting to? "Cordy…I…I think…You're with Lindsey and I know that you've got a lot of stuff going on at the moment but…I…" I take a breath that I know I don't need. "I love you." I spit it out quickly and quietly. Maybe she didn't hear me. Maybe all I needed to do is get it out in the open, regardless of whether she heard me or not.
"I love you too Angel." She replies. "And, your point is…?"
I shake my head sadly. "No Cordy…I'm *in* love with you."
She looks at me blankly. "Angel…all joking aside-"
"*Not* joking, Cordelia. I have been in love with you for soo long, but… by the time that I realised it…you were planning a long and happy life with Lindsey. God, if I hadn't given you that night off…Somewhere deep down inside I know that you're really happy with him. I do. But I can't help wanting you to be with *me*. He was *evil*, Cordy. And he *had* a soul at the time. Sure, he can offer you a lot of the things I can't but-"
"Angel…" She says, cutting me short. I don't know how to read her tone at the moment. She's somewhere between shocked, slightly sad, sympathetic, disgusted and angry. "…You're my family. I love you as my brother-"
I know this spiel. I'm 247 years old. I'm not some idiotic 12-year-old prepubescent child… "Cordelia. Save it. I know where this is going."
She snaps at me. "What the *hell* do you expect? I'm finally getting a chance to have the life I've always dreamed of…okay, so in my dreams I never got painful visions and I didn't work for a vampire with a soul, fighting demons… but I'm with a human man that I love and that loves me back. One that can commit himself to me *both* emotionally *and* physically…" Ouch. I didn't deserve that. "…One that I'm having a baby with. And you just drop the fact that you finally came around and fell in love with me in my lap? I'm sorry Angel but you and I…we're family. Nothing more and nothing less."
"I know…" I whisper. A single tear rolls down my cheek "I…I just had to tell you. If I left it…I had to take a chance…" I advance on her and gently cup her head in my hands. I take my lips to hers and kiss her softly. I'm letting go of her and she knows it. She knows that I'm saying goodbye. She knows that I'm giving her away to my enemy. She knows that this is a kiss to tell her I'm always going to love her one way or another, but I know we'll never be together. And she knows that I accept that.
I pull out of the kiss just as softly and slowly as I drifted into it, taking my hands from her face. Silent tears slide down her beautiful face as she looks into my eyes. "You shouldn't have done that…" I nod and pull away from her completely, making my way back towards the door. "…But I'm glad you did."
With my back to her, I smile sadly. "Cordelia…are we okay…as friends…and as family?"
I hear her sigh lightly. "We've got a few things to work on…But we'll be okay…"
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
We'll *be* okay. Which means we're not at the moment. And it's my fault. If I had just kept it all to myself everything would be normal.
"You know it wouldn't." A familiar voice startles me.
"Lorne…Haven't I told you to stay *out* of my thoughts when I'm brooding." I growl, slightly embarrassed at being caught off guard like that.
He places his hand on my shoulder supportively. "Angelpie…I *had* to. You weren't exactly going to *tell* me what happened in there before, so I decided to find out for myself. Useful little talent I have isn't it?"
"There are some inner ramblings which are supposed to stay private. *That* was one of them."
"Sweetcheeks," There we go again with the nicknames. "I'm a soul/mind reader. The words 'private' and 'thoughts' barely come into contact with each other when I'm around. Now…you gonna let me give you some advice or not?" He takes one look at the expression on my face and smiles. "Don't answer that 'cos I'll give it anyway." Oh brother…here we go… "You *know* you did the right thing. And I'm almost certain that you know that the current status of your relationship with Cordelia has almost nothing to do with how you handled that situation."
"But-"
He holds up his hand. "Let me finish. Now, as I was saying, your relationship with Cordy was deteriorating long before you made your little outburst. From the second she told you she was having the lawyer's baby you've been drifting apart. Its not your fault…and its not hers either. Life is taking you in different directions, without moving you anywhere. Get what I'm saying?"
"Kinda…but I-"
"Hey…still not finished here…"
Long-winded demon.
"I read that." He protests.
I can't help smirking. "Sorry."
"Where was I? That's right…You were taking separate paths without walking away from each other. Emotionally you started to lose that bond between you. It only got worse as Lawyer boy got closer and you fell even deeper in love with her. That last conversation you guys had alone was a turn around point…*Not* a descent into an even harder relationship. You learnt to let go and finally accept the fact that she's with another man. And you were both *completely* honest with each other. You actually *spoke* about everything eating you up inside and started picking up the pieces…You reconnected with her again…and, now that the hard part is almost over, you'll find that your friendship and family-like relationships will be strengthened. I know it hurts, Angelcakes, but sometimes there is no gain without the pain….See?"
I nod. He actually made sense. And, if what he's saying is true…which it usually is, things will soon get better. Oh God, I hope that things start improving soon. "Thanks…" I manage to tell him, before Buffy walks over to us. I almost smile when I remember a time when I thought that she was my soulmate. That was a pipedream. Don't get me wrong, I loved her with all my heart and soul…and I still love her dearly…I always will, but soulmates we weren't.
"Hey." She says cautiously.
"Hey." I respond.
Lorne excuses himself, saying that he still needs to get all his stuff ready before we get started. Buffy smiles as she watches him go. "Your friends are…interesting. And they're all so nice." She tells me.
"Thanks. I really wish I could say the same about yours…but you've got Xander and Spike…" I answer, the ghost of a smile on my lips as I do. "Its great to see everyone getting along so well, though. Wes and Fred really seemed to hit it off with Will and Tara. Lorne's liking Xander's fiancé and Gunn looks like he's having fun with Xander and Spike…" At that I shake my head, as if to say 'I have no idea *why*'.
She laughs. "Gunn's a real character. He's so sweet…very funny too…And he likes his weapons and his fighting…He kept asking me to retell all my 'Slayer Stories'…he particularly liked the one about the rocket launcher…"
Yeah…didn't happen to tell him that Angelus was with the receiving end on that one, did you? Not that I blame you. "That's our Gunn."
"And Cordy's lawyer is a nice guy too…I almost can't believe that he was as bad as you all say he was."
Before I can stop myself, I've already snapped, "He was."
"He knows it Angel." She says softly. "I got to have a real heart-to-heart with him before…and he's a nice guy. He knows he's done wrong in the past but-"
"Cordelia has already been through this with me." I cut her off, dropping into the couch in the lobby, *away* from the sunlight. "I've spoken to him myself and I know that his intentions are all good here…but I still don't like him. Kinda the same way Xander feels about me…"
She sits down next to me. "But when Xander developed that theory against you he had the hots for me…and then it was because we had grown really close as friends…almost family."
"What do you think Cordy is for me?" I shoot back. Great one Angel. That was really smooth. How many friendships can you attempt to ruin in one day? Softening my tone I start to explain. "What I mean is…she's my family here in LA. She's almost everything I have. She's Connor's mother figure…And Lindsey's…well…he's not the person I'd like to see her end up with. Just as, for one reason or another, Xander didn't want you with me." She opens her mouth to protest, but I continue. This is probably the most I've ever spoken to Buffy face to face for a long, long time. I'm having a sharing day today, I guess. "Tell me, when you were with Far…I mean, *Riley*…did Xander hate him?"
"No…but that's because Riley…he was…" She trails off. "Oh…I can see where you're coming from."
I nod. I don't think I need to talk anymore. After a while, she whispers my name. I turn to look at her, arching my eyebrows. "Hmm?"
Her green eyes are glued to the floor. She shuffles her feet nervously. Shakily, she asks. "You and I… we're over, right?"
I'm taken by surprise on that one. "Uh…yeah…"
"Good. I mean… We're both moving on…aren't we?" She looks into my eyes.
I can't read her expression, but her voice is filled with hope and anxiety. "I…Well…Yeah." I answer. "Not that I've found anyone in my unlife…not that I can be with anyhow…but we're going in two different directions now. I mean, I have AI and the gang here… and a son. I'm pretty sure that I've moved on in some way…" I stop for a second and enquire, "Why do you ask?"
She expels the breath that she had been holding. "I…I've found someone. Someone that you *won't* approve of, but he loves me and he's been there for me. He looked after Dawn while I was dea…*away* and he was there to help me when I came back. Not in a real conventional sense…but he knew what I wanted and what I needed and he gave it to me." She pauses, debating whether she should divulge any more information with me or not. After a little while, she decides to tell me the rest, although, diverting her gaze. Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what she has to say? "He knows that I'm the slayer and that our relationship is going to be rocky at the best of times…and that it probably won't work, but he wanted to give it a shot. I was so confused. You're the first person I've told any of this to. The other Scoobies don't even have a clue what's going on. Dawn picked up on it, though…But I got so confused. I didn't love him…but he loved me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him or use him and he said that he didn't care 'cos any time spent with me is better than none. And, no. It wasn't as corny as it sounded. So, after a long talk with him, I decided that I'd give it a chance. I'm even starting to feel things for him. More than lust or like…And that scares me. I almost always get hurt in love…But, somehow…deep down inside…I know that Spike is diff-"
She doesn't get to finish 'cos I'm already in motion. I jump up and glare down at her. "Spike?" I ask, somewhere between betrayed and confused. "Spike? As in 'William the Bloody' Spike? As in my grandchilde Spike? As in vampire without a soul Spike?" She nods and I flop back down into the seat beside her again, completely drained of any emotion. I can't be angry with her. Love comes to anyone at anytime and you can't help who you fall for. "Wow…Spike…Well…It *is* a step *up* from Finn." I smile weakly.
She hugs me, wrapping her arms around my neck and heaving sobs of relief. This is new. She slowly pulls herself off me, grinning sheepishly and wiping the tears from her face. "Sorry…but I'm soo glad you're not hurt…I mean…I thought you might feel betrayed or something. But you weren't…aren't…whatever. You actually cracked a joke. Oh, Angel…That means soo much to me…you have no idea."
"Look at it this way, Buff. I'll always love you…but…we've both moved on. I'd like to think that we're still friends…and, from what I've been told time and time again, friends support each other. Plus, if you were able to deal with me having a son…then I should *definitely* support this Spike thing. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I say." She smiles and I almost find myself telling her that I fell for Cordelia. Luckily, I stop myself. She's got enough to deal with at the moment. Instead I say, "You said that the other Scoobies don't know about you and Spike."
"I…I thought I had to talk to you first. I mean, I felt like I almost owed you-"
"You didn't owe me anything."
"But, if anyone was going to take it really…I don't want to say 'badly'…uh, *hard*, it was gonna be you. The others can deal…but, I don't know…I guess, *you* were the person that I felt I needed to talk to about it." She confesses.
I find myself smiling at her again. She starting to seem so much more at ease, almost the same old Buffy that I once knew in Sunnydale, back when her biggest worry was what to wear to The Bronze. At least she's had the chance to get one small part of her life sorted out now, and it's made so much difference. In these past 15 minutes or so, I've watched as a chunk of her burdens have been lifted. I'm glad I could help someone today, even if it *wasn't* myself.
"There you are, Slayer." Spike says, walking back into the lobby. "Been lookin' everywhere for you." He glances at me and then adds, "For, uh, Slayer type stuff."
"Spike," Buffy begins, "Angel knows about us."
A huge grin spreads across his face and settles there. "Well that's a relief. Then no more tip-toein' 'round-"
"Well…not around Angel, anyway."
"What? You mean, you told Peaches but not your best friends?" He asks her in disbelief, the grin slowly disappearing.
"Uh…okay, well…I'm gonna go check on Connor. I think it's about time for his bottle anyway." I cut in. I've had enough relationship talk for one day. I get up and make my way to the landing and head towards the nursery.
So…Buffy's with Spike and Cordy's with Lindsey. The two women that I have ever really loved are both with two men that I have really hated. That seems so…wrong. But it's happening. As long as Spike and Lindsey don't hurt them, I guess I'm content seeing them happy with someone else.
Okay, so maybe I'm not content. And maybe I'm not happy. But, I can cope. Maybe even get on with my unlife.
Which reminds me (don't ask how)…I have to plan a trip to The Oracles. Cordy has to come as well. She's got to ask about the visions and I've got to ask about what's going to happen with the whole' lack of a seer' situation I'm gonna be left with. This just keeps getting more and more complicated…
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A/N- Reviews please. I know…I can't write Buffy too well…hence the fact she's only in a couple of scenes…and her own pov….Argh! That's the next chapter! I gotta get my act together. Well…your thoughts are gladly appreciated right about now. Oh…yeah. I worked out who the anonymous "cryptic" review was from…Lol. There's a silly little personal joke/story in it I shoulda gotten ages ago. Lol. And to everyone else that has reviewed I *LOVE* you guys. (Yes, even those of you who told me I was wrong, or sent in constructive criticism… ^_^ ) Keep it up. PLEASE!!!!